You know what would have made Jurassic World even better? » « [Lounge #502]

Creepiest item on Amazon

I don’t want one. It’s an Infant Circumcision Trainer, and what it is is a plastic baby torso, with a collection of little disposable rubber baby penises that you can plug into it and practice snipping bits off.

No, don’t click the link. It will haunt you, and the FBI will put you on a list, and Satan will appear in your living room and make an offer on your soul. As another curse, every time you visit Amazon you’ll get offered the strangest stuff. Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed Nicolas Cage Pillowcase Covers, Sperm in Testis of a Rat Peel and Stick Wall Decal, and Look And Feel Canadian Breath Spray.

But hey, if you’re in the market for the kind of tchotchke that will scare all the neighbors away and make them whisper warnings to their children about you, it’s only $192.

You know what would have made Jurassic World even better? » « [Lounge #502]

Comments

  1. rietpluim says

    Clicked the link. Didn’t see Satan appear. I’m a little disappointed. That is some creepy toy though. “Wanna play doctor?” “Nah, let’s play mohel instead.”

  2. rietpluim says

    Oh wait, I was not in my living room. My wife and children will be scared now.

  4. otranreg says

    Gain insight into deep issues through a Breath Spray

    What the hell do they put in it?!

  5. opposablethumbs says

    I’ll admit to not having clicked on the link. I suppose this is meant to be a sort of D.I.Y. training aid. But … I wonder … how about this crazy alternative: restricting the performance of surgical procedures to – wild idea, I know – yer actual medically trained and qualified personnel? Or even – wilder still – have surgical procedures performed only when medically necessary or at the requeset of – and with the informed consent of – the person undergoing them??!?!?!?

    Eh, I know. It goes without saying and I went and said it anyway. Sorry.

  6. Saganite, a haunter of demons says

    So, I guess I should dismember the baby before I mutilate his penis? Good to know!

    The reviews/comments are a calming influence and good for a laugh or two, though.

  8. prae says

    Satan? FBI? No, this is a GOOD, CHRISTIAN thing! If anything, YAHWE appears and tries to get you to eat a cracker made of fresh jesus meat. Or something. Or it will be the ghost of old Kelloggt.

  9. prae says

    Damn, can’t I edit previous posts? I meant Kellogg like in Will Keith Kellogg, without any “t”

  10. marcus says

    Oh yes, I would just love to see my colleagues expressions when the pop-up ads started infesting the google at the front counter. They’re still looking at me funny about the OP on FGM that I accidentally left up from one of your earlier postings.

  12. sambarge says

    I presume the Canadian breath spray gives you Tim Horton’s coffee breath.

  13. Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened says

    …a plastic baby torso, with a collection of little disposable rubber baby penises that you can plug into it and practice snipping bits off.

    Jesus… fucking… Christ.

  14. says

    rietplum @1:

    Clicked the link. Didn’t see Satan appear. I’m a little disappointed.

    You have to click it three times. The Satan appears like Candyman.

    ****

    otranreg @4:

    Gain insight into deep issues through a Breath Spray
    What the hell do they put in it?!

    That wacky weed. What else?

  15. yazikus says

    I presume the Canadian breath spray gives you Tim Horton’s coffee breath.

    I was thinking more a blend of maple syrup, poutine and hockey BO.

  17. Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened says

    @ prae #8

    No, this is a GOOD, CHRISTIAN thing! If anything, YAHWE appears and tries to get you to eat a cracker made of fresh jesus meat.

    This honestly has me in tears. I think you just won the thread.

  18. says

    Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed Nicolas Cage Pillowcase Covers, Sperm in Testis of a Rat Peel and Stick Wall Decal, and Look And Feel Canadian Breath Spray.

    Yeah, that’s another layer of creepiness to this whole thing: if you even look at it, Amazon’s AI (not sure if it’s Wintermute, Neuromancer, or Samaritan) will take that as a strong indicator of your character and interests, and judge you accordingly. (I wonder if such judgment-by-AI could be considered defamation if it affects anyone’s actions toward you.)

  19. Artor says

    It’s not any kind of medical device. It’s a sex toy for the ultra-orthodox mohels who get their jollies by sucking on infant dicks.

  20. says

    Maybe Amazon could sell Beheading Trainers to those folks in Syria and northern Iraq. They could also use some Stoning Trainers when they need to wipe out all those gay people.

  21. illdoittomorrow says

    otranreg at 4:

    Gain insight into deep issues through a Breath Spray
    What the hell do they put in it?!

    Aerosolized maple syrup, bacon fat, and THC from BC bud. It instantly makes you finish every sentence with “eh?” and turns you into a rabid hockey fan.

  22. canonicalkoi says

    I can see the late-night, cable TV ads now: “Buy now, in time for Chanukah! The gift that keeps on giving! That’s right! The little boy in your life could grow up to have a career as a mohel–all because of you!”

    Alternative ad: “Buy now, in time for Christmas! Think of the hours of fun your little one can have recreating scenes from the Bible, like David’s Dowry or The Revenge of Dinah’s Brothers! Hours of fun and faith for the whole family!”

  23. dccarbene says

    I see from the Amazon listing that they have 2 “new” ones for sale.

    Good grief! Does that mean there are **used** ones availabe? For a price?

    Ugh. All for a medically-contraindicated abuse. Religion poisons everything.

  25. sempercogitans says

    Ugh, why did I click on that? Why?

    By the way, everyone, you can edit your browsing history on Amazon. Down at the bottom of your screen there’s a line of items you’ve viewed, and to the right of that is “view or edit your browsing history.” In case you get tired of Amazon’s horrifying recommendations.

  26. llyris says

    @ #5 opposablethumbs

    have surgical procedures performed only when medically necessary or at the requeset of – and with the informed consent of – the person undergoing them??!?!?!?

    My baby boy was born with a cleft lip and palate. He’s just had his first surgery (lip reconstruction) at 5 months old. We did not wait until he was old enough that he could choose for himself. I don’t feel guilty about that, though I do feel guilty about the confusion and pain in his eyes. See, cleft reconstruction is not technically 100% medically necessary but since it effects his eating, speech, hearing, social outlook and how people react to him it is usually started very early. Because I live in a civilised country the work is free (Our bill for a paediatric plastic surgeon, anesthetist, a host of nurses and other staff and 6 days in hospital was $18.30). Anyway, back to the point. Having just been through the experience of having a more useful procedure done on our baby, who is definitely too young to give informed consent, I cannot imagine why anyone in their right mind would choose to cut off part of their son’s penis shortly after birth. Why would someone choose to deliberately hurt their baby for something that has no effect on his learning, development or health?

  27. ck, the Irate Lump says

    A 0.25 fluid ounce peppermint flavoured “flavored” spray is going to make someone Canadian? Where’s the maple syrup? Where’s the brown, flavoured water called Tim Hortons’ coffee? Where’s the toque? Why isn’t it measured in milliliters? This is poseur Canadiana.

  31. opposablethumbs says

    Ilyris, that must have been a pretty harrowing experience – I hope it all went absolutely perfectly. I’d have thought that the surgery you mention would definitely be considered medically necessary! (I remember once having to take my younger Spawn for minor surgery as a baby. Even in a well-equipped NHS hospital with great staff it was a horrible experience, just because you know that no procedure under anaesthetic etc. is ever 100.0000000% risk-free even if it’s really routine, and even at best the patient inevitably has to endure some discomfort at the very least …)

    Why would someone choose to deliberately hurt their baby for something that has no effect on his learning, development or health?

    Exactly – QFT!

  32. says

    By the way, everyone, you can edit your browsing history on Amazon…

    Does that remove Amazon’s record of your browsing — which they can store along with your PC’s fixed IP address — or does it just erase the information on your own PC? If it’s only the latter, then it’s not much help.