In case you need to look me up in Oxford »« I haven’t forgotten you!

Need to fly home immediately!

I have just learned that while I am thousands of miles away and unable to assert my authority in the home, the feminists are undermining my power. Radical feminists are sharing tips on how to open jars without a man. We have to nip this in the bud. I’m afraid I’ll get home now to discover the locks changed, and my wife laughing triumphantly inside while opening jar after jar with her feminine little hands.

What possible purpose do I have in this relationship if she’s no longer dependent on my massive masculine mitts? Feminism, you’ve gone too far!

Comments

  1. Moggie says

    The really scary thought is that she could replace you with an octopus. They have mad jar-opening skillz.

  2. says

    First of all who the hell can’t open a jar, my mom was a pro. Hot water and tap the lid with the side of a spoon or fork and presto you got an open jar.

  3. RobertL says

    Just use a Jarkey. They’re only a few dollars. We have a couple in the house and they are very simple to use and very effective.

  4. spacejunkie says

    The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice! Squid and octopus living together!

  5. ledasmom says

    I usually use a bottle opener to pop the lid, though I can open most jars without it – husband has arthritis, so I’m the usual jar-opener. The jarkey looks similar to a bottle opener in operation.
    I admit to having been temporarily defeated by a bottle of olive oil with one of those metal caps where the bit on the bottom breaks away when you twist it. The cap loosened without the bit breaking away, and I had to stab the cap and pour off the oil into another bottle.

  6. karmacat says

    It seems some of these women think that if you are a feminist, you can’t have a man. If I were a man, I would rather have someone who wants to be with me rather than need me. And I can say the same for me as a woman. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Although, I have found that I can’t rid of big dead rats from my yard. (I was rather amazed that I couldn’t get myself to do this. Maybe if I had an octopus)

  7. Rich Woods says

    Don’t worry, PZ. Women still need us to get things down from the top shelf. Although once they figure out how to use a stepladder, we’re stuffed.

  8. laurentweppe says

    Men, we’re screwed! Before you know it women are catching mice!

    And making cats irrelevant? Now That would be a great victory against the perfidious felines.

  9. says

    And Rich (as one Rich to another, though I like to keep my “ard” on), my little woman (don’t take that wrong it’s an accurate description) has also already got several of those too.
    The only thing I’ve got going for me is she does seem to need me to do computery things (though that’s probably just because I get so excited whenever the opportunity is presented…)

  10. Thomas Hobbes says

    What my woman needs from me is my love and support.
    And I’m pretty damn proud to say that it’s mutual.

  11. swampfoot says

    @ #11 richardelguru

    Georgia has this ribbed rubber thing that can open jars when I can’t.

    So that’s what she told you it was for, eh? ;-)

  12. says

    Swampy
    And I thought I was being too subtle for folks to get that joke! (Though she does actually have a textured neoprene sheet that is remarkably good for opening jars).

  13. Tigger_the_Wing, asking "Where's the rain?" in a weird Irish summer says

    Catch mice?

    Waaay back in the early eighties, I was hanging out the washing and watching our cat pouncing, apparently at random, on the lawn. When I finished the task, I ambled over to see what she was doing – and spotted a mouse.

    Which I caught.

    I walked down the garden and threw the mouse into the field behind the house.

    When I wandered back, the cat was still randomly pouncing…

    In my experience, men are for much more fun things than jar-opening. =^_^=

  14. Tigger_the_Wing, asking "Where's the rain?" in a weird Irish summer says

    (Like helping women to invent jar-openers)

  15. neverjaunty says

    @richardelguru: this is why the technical term for a rubber-jar-opening-thing is “the rubber husband”.

    @Wes Aaron: people with arthritis or with repetitive stress injuries often can’t.

  16. says

    Ibis
    Those are wonderful (and many of them are beautiful too)
    I particularly like the ‘Multi opener': if my multi ever needs opening, I know where I’m going to look!!

  17. reddiaperbaby1942 says

    You don’t need a special contraption: just stick the tip of a butter knife under the lid and wiggle it around a bit to release the airlock. The jar will then open easily. It’s typical of a consumer society that people think they need to go out and buy a special gadget for a simple job like this.
    But men are good for lots of other purposes. I’ve had one around for almost half a century (I’m 72), and he’s not bad for his age!

  18. opposablethumbs says

    I might as well admit that when either of us can’t open something on our own we routinely open as a double-act (as it were). One of us holds the base/the jar while the other of us twists the top/the lid.

    But an octopus would be cool.

  19. Moggie says

    Ibis:

    I have a contraption that’s basically a rubber band attached to a plastic handle that acts as a lever (thank you, Science!), which you can see in use here (the eighth one down the page).

    That’ll get a bit dirty when someone borrows it to help change the oil filter on their car.
    Not that I would do such a thing. Twice.

  20. =8)-DX says

    No no no, that’s all wrong. What’s needed to open a jar is a woman to loosen it first. I don’t know where I’d be without them.

  21. barbarienne says

    Ladies, when you’re done opening all the jars, be sure to get yourself some power tools. If you can drill your own holes in the ceiling and put up the smoke detector yourself, the men will magically disappear from within a one-mile radius!

  22. Crimson Clupeidae says

    I think it’s clear that all of us manly men of manliness need to take our jars and go stay together on the Isle of Lesbos!

    …or something like that.

  23. otranreg says

    @22 reddiaperbaby1942

    You don’t need a special contraption: just stick the tip of a butter knife under the lid and wiggle it around a bit to release the airlock.

    I always use a small flat screwdriver to release the airlock. The blade of the screwdriver is narrower and easier to fit under the lid, plus it’s not as brittle as the tips of knives sometimes are.

  24. Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought says

    opposablethumbs,

    One of us holds the base/the jar while the other of us twists the top/the lid.

    That’s the jar opening method in our family too! I’m sure there’s a lesson about cooperation somewhere in there.

  25. Anoia says

    I have rheumatism, so I usually need some device to help me open jars:

    – JarKey, love this one, way better than fumbling around with a knife
    – a rubber-sheet-thingy, which is a good alternative, also helps to open bottles

    Because my dad is starting to have some problems too, I got him a JarKey and an Eddingtons EasyTwist Opener, he loves them.

  26. says

    As far as my wife is concerned, this is one of the very few reasons for my continued existence. I gotta change the beneficiary on my life insurance.

  27. Ichthyic says

    Georgia has this ribbed rubber thing that can open jars when I can’t.

    people always told me there were secondary practical uses for condoms.

  28. spamamander, internet amphibian says

    I could still use a man around the house for killing spiders. And yes, I’m looking for volunteers.

  29. barbarienne says

    Moggie:

    Those are special models guaranteed to never break your fingernails, right? ;)

  30. lindsay says

    Moggie @31:

    I like pink-handled tools. My male co-workers are less likely to steal borrow them and forget to give them back.

  31. knowknot says

    Carefully place various pretty, sparkly things next to where the jars are. And oil them. This will render the wiminz helpless. Thus is this bastion of the manperitive saved. Except maybe until you get the coffee in your lap.

  32. ck says

    I’ve long known that I open tough-to-open jars wrong. Instead of just using my brute man force to open them, I grab a quick release bar clamp and secure it around the cap and use it like a lever to open the jar. As a side benefit, the bar clamp is useful for more things than just opening jars.