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Mar 17 2014

O Lord, ooh, you are so big, so absolutely huge

I learned all this stuff about our cosmic address from the premier episode of Cosmos last week…but strangely, Neil deGrasse Tyson omitted any mention of the last panel of the series. Censorship!

yourcosmicaddress

(via Dr SkySkull)

65 comments

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  1. 1
    chigau (違う)

    Is He talkin’ to me?

  2. 2
    Gregory in Seattle

    Brilliant.

  3. 3
    Marcus Ranum

    There goes my tea!

  4. 4
    Akira MacKenzie

    “Je n’avais pas besoin de cette hypothèse-là.” (“I had no need of that hypothesis.”)

    –Pierre-Simon Laplace, supposedly to Napoleon Bonaparte

  5. 5
    cswella

    *continues masterbating after a brief pause*

  6. 6
    shouldbeworking

    It got edited out by the AFA as obscene?

  7. 7
    Inaji

    Hah! That will send me off into town in a good mood.

  8. 8
    atheistblog

    Jesus fucking christ, why the fuck he is watching at me doing masturbate ?

  9. 9
    Moggie

    I’ve always liked that cosy term “Local Group”. When astronomers describe a region ten million light years across as “local”, that’s thinking big.

  10. 10
    Gregory Greenwood

    A supposedly omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent super-being weirdly obsessed with the sexual habits of one insignificant species of semi-sapient ape that live on one tiny speck of a planet in one largely unremarkable galaxy amongst hundreds of billions of its peers?

    Yup, that sounds like christianity alright.

    Unless he isn’t talking to us at all. Maybe there is some species out there whose masturbatory habits lead to mass extinctions or cause stars to spontaneously go supernova or something…

    What? You have to admit that it makes more sense the bible-basher’s explanation.

  11. 11
    Rob Grigjanis

    Maybe wanking is allowed in the Hydra-Centaurus Supercluster.

  12. 12
    Louis

    DON’T masturbate? Oh shit! Did I get THAT message wrong.

    Louis

  13. 13
    consciousness razor

    I’m just going to assume he’s talking to that nebula over there.

  14. 14
    ivyshoots

    It’s weird how Christianity focuses so intently on things the gospels don’t report Jesus ever saying.

  15. 15
    UnknownEric the Apostate

    They always say Jesus comes first.

  16. 16
    irisvanderpluym

    ivyshoots 14:

    Matthew 5:29-30: Jesus recommends that to avoid sin we cut off our hands and pluck out our eyes. This helpful advice is given immediately after he says that anyone who looks with lust at any women commits the sin of adultery.

    Matthew 5:29-30, 18:8-9; Mark 9:43-48: “There be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.” Dangerous words from a guy who recommends cutting of body parts if they cause you to sin. It might make someone castrate himself so that he could be one of the 144,000 male virgins, who alone will make it to heaven (Rev 14:3-4, Matthew 19:12).

    Via SAB.

  17. 17
    Pierce R. Butler

    Jesus is talking to the “Solar Interstellar Neighborhood” – aka the locus of SIN!

  18. 18
    Sastra

    Oh, how shallow this gnu atheist cartoon is! They think God is an Old Man in the Sky with a Beard, when nothing could be further from the truth!

    To bring the image up to code, then, the picture of Jesus should be replaced by an ineffable and numinous Transcendent Ground of Being … and the “don’t masturbate!” would be coming from the teeny tiny group of sophisticates who have looked at the scales of the cosmos and correctly recognized that without God there’s no good explanation for why we are nevertheless so vitally important in the scheme of things.

  19. 19
    Randomfactor

    They always say Jesus comes first

    Rev. 22:12.

  20. 20
    Peggy

    Ah, Sastra knows my liberal Christian friends/relatives so well.

  21. 21
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    Well, there go my plans for this afternoon.
    Thanks, Jesus.

  22. 22
    robro

    Perhaps Jesus is merely explaining the consequences of inflationary theory.

  23. 23
    Marcus Ranum

    How is jesus represented as being outside the universe, yet still able to see into it? That’s quite a trick space-time warping jesus is doing just so he can watch me pull my pud.

  24. 24
    chigau (違う)

    Why is Big Jesus wearing clothing and where does he shop?

  25. 25
    Daz: Experiencing A Slight Gravitas Shortfall

    He stalks me everywhere I go,
    At work, at play, at the movie-show.
    He watches me when I’m in bed,
    He’s spied on every word I’ve said.
    He always has me in his eye,
    Both when I’m clothed, and clad in sky.
    The creator of the whole damn universe
    Worries that I wank; ’cause I’m perverse?

  26. 26
    Desert Son, OM

    Unknown Eric the Apostate at #15:

    They always say Jesus comes first

    Thread won.

    Also, if Jesus is so big, so absolutely huge, why is there still stuff—space, stars, gasses—around Jesus? Shouldn’t Jesus be the limit?

    Still learning,

    Robert

  27. 27
    Desert Son, OM

    Damn. Apologies to Marcus Ranum at #23. I missed your post when composing my “also” segment.

    “Composing my ‘also’ segment.” Hmmm. New masturbation euphemism . . . engage!

    Still learning,

    Robert

  28. 28
    mikeyb

    Most essential point, Jesus is white, blonde and blue eyed, just ask Megyn Kelly, Fox News.

  29. 29
    Naked Bunny with a Whip

    What if I use the buddy system?

  30. 30
    Bronze Dog

    Nice. Endless amusement to be had in how big they say their gods are, but somehow manage to be petty on minutia.

  31. 31
    rq

    How does he see that small? He must have CSI vision or something.

  32. 32
    marcus

    rq @ 31 I feel sorry for you. Not to brag or anything but mine is visible HD10647. Of course that is just the “neighborhood”.

  33. 33
    Paul

    Why is the Observable Universe depicted as drum-shaped” Should it not be spherical?

  34. 34
    Paul

    ” = ?

  35. 35
    Akira MacKenzie

    irisvanderplyum @ 16

    Let’s see: blind, unthinking obedience to a leader; encouraged detachment from non-believing family and friends while portraying themselves as a surrogate; abolition of personal property; contempt for civil authority, strange restrictions on sexuality…

    I suppose it would be factually appropriate to compare Jesus to Charles Manson, L. Ron Hubbard, and Marshall Applewhite?

  36. 36
    Akira MacKenzie

    Sastra @ 18

    If God is not an “Ols Man Who Lives In The Sky With A Beard” then what.is xe?

    Furthermore, how do they know this? The decidedly male being who “made us n his image” was acceptable to the ancient Hebrews who first posited him and for the followers of the Abrhamic faithsfor many centuries afterward. When did they get the memo that their deity was some noncoporeal, genderless, being?

    Could it be when the older description of their god started to make them look silly?

  37. 37
    kreativekaos

    Too funny!

  38. 38
    anteprepro

    It’s no wonder God has such infamously bad aim: imagine just how much power and accuracy it requires just for God to correctly set his target on Earth.

    Sure, God just had a shark attack a good Christian man in a town where the mayor happened to condone eating shrimp. Do you know how hard it was to even get the shark to the right galaxy? With the massive expanse of the universe and all, we all are just lucky that God wasn’t sending sharks into a Red Giant in the Andromeda Galaxy. That’s pretty impressive aim still! Praise Marksman Jeebus!

  39. 39
    Akira MacKenzie

    While I certainly like the new Cosmos, I do have one major complaint. Since the original series was on PBS, an hour-long TV WAS an hour long. Since we’re now dealing with commercial TV, we have to break every few minutes to allow some capitalist pig sponsor time to hawk their tawdry wares. An ‘hour-long” TV show is really 40-45 minutes long, that’s around a quarter hour that could be used on more material to educate, inspire, and enlighten.

    Seriously Neil, Ann, Seth, you guys couldn’t get this on public television where it belongs?

  40. 40
    azhael

    You´ll need something more impressive than a cosmic SupaJesus to convince me that i should stop wanking.

  41. 41
    kreativekaos

    Moggie@9:

    Yes,…sort of a strange juxtaposition that at such unfathomable depths of distance and time one could refer to our relatively close galactic neighbors as the ‘Local Group’; it does have a cozy ring to it.

    Then to even begin to get one’s head around those even greater distances in space and time, truly leads an open and thinking, but sensitive person to that Einsteinian/Sagan/Kraussian/Dawkinsian sense of the spiritual–no need for religion or the supernatural, but merely to stand in absolute awe of the power and immensity of nature and the cosmos. I’ve been there and been doing that since I was child.

  42. 42
    Rey Fox

    Well I, for one, am not impressed down here, I can tell you.

  43. 43
    kreativekaos

    Akira @ 39:

    Seriously Neil, Ann, Seth, you guys couldn’t get this on public television where it belongs?

    I could not agree with you more! Additionally, without the commercials, it might have added 10-15 minutes more content per episode.
    If it was on PBS the first time, and over time gained so much positive feedback, I think they would have had a great audience for it. I’m not so sure that their thoughts about it reaching a wider audience by putting it on FOX (particularly given the typical FOX audience) was necessarily accurate (though the ratings may prove me wrong). I think that those who know about its broadcast and are essentially interested will watch it, and those that aren’t will tune out.

  44. 44
    Nick Gotts

    Crossposted from the Lounge, because it seems relevant to the scale theme here!

    The discovery of gravitational waves (or “fossils” of them in the patterns of polarisation of the cosmic microwave background) looks fairly solid, and I’d guess the biggest thing in cosmology at least since the discovery of accelerating cosmic expansion in 1998! What but science can give us moments like this?

  45. 45
    irisvanderpluym

    Nick Gotts 44:

    What but science can give us moments like this?

    Masturbation.

  46. 46
    sabazinus

    He knows when you are sleeping.
    He knows when you’re awake.
    He knows when you’ve been touching yourself
    He’s Jesus Christ for goodness sake…

    Soooo…
    You better watch out.
    You better not cry.
    You better not touch
    The snake with one eye.

    Jesus knows you’re touching…Your-self!!!!

  47. 47
    tsig

    At first glance if looks like Jesus is prohibiting wanking but if we apply sophisticated theological analysis we sill see that he means do not let others see you wank, so it’s OK to yank your junk as long as you do it in private.

  48. 48
    unclefrogy

    just a guess here on my part but I would think thaat the reason the program was produce by NatGeo and Fox has something to do with upfront cost. This kind of production is more expensive than it was 20 years ago and PBS doses not have the budget it did in the past. It may have been a mistake on their part. Although being on Fox may get it more viewers who would not think of watching PBS.
    I watch on-lone to avoid the adds myself .
    uncle frogy

  49. 49
    Moggie

    Does masturbation cause gravity waves?

  50. 50
    Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

    O Lord …

    Oooh, you are so big…

    So absolutely huge…

    Ah, aahhh, AAAAHHHHHHH.

    Now, what were you saying?

  51. 51
    Crimson Clupeidae

    Re: Cosmos, and commercials. This was asked and answered (with links, I think) in one of the other Cosmos related threads. Airing it on commercial TV allowed for a bigger budget for better effects. It’s clearly a trade off they thought was worth making. I can’t really fault them for the decision, and it seems like it make have more impact in the long run, as more people will probably watch it on Fox and NatGeo than would have on PBS.

  52. 52
    Lofty

    Pfah, this is just Sophisticated Astronomy. Everyone knows god presences are measured in steradians and form a little cloud of smugness enveloping every godbotherer’s body. A bit like high potency body odour, invisible but with neasureable effect on the environment. Radians are the 2D projection of a god onto a page in a book of fables.

  53. 53
    jeanettegarcia

    You would think he (god) has better things to do.

  54. 54
    Nick Gotts

    irisvandeplum@45,

    Good point. A rigorously researched paper comparing the two is surely called for!

  55. 55
    patterson

    Tyson seems to have screwed up on the first panel too, shouldn’t Whoville and the clover precede earth? Or has he forgotten, “a person’s a person no matter how small.

  56. 56
    tacitus

    But… but… according to the kids, masturbation is only for old people these days.

    They’re all into this new thing called fapping…

  57. 57
    irisvanderpluym

    Moggie 49:

    Does masturbation cause gravity waves?

    It does if you do it right.

    Nick Gotts 54 – Best. Kickstarter. EVAR.

  58. 58
    anuran

    This calls for one of my favorite limericks:

    Said I Am That I Am That I Am
    For the Virgin I don’t give a damn
    But what I like most
    Is to bugger the Ghost
    And then get sucked off by the Lamb.

  59. 59
    ivyshoots

    #16 iris, kind of playing devil’s advocate here, but I don’t see any admonition against masturbation in any verse you cited.

    I’m pretty sure the plucking out your eye thing is a metaphor, as most of Jesus’s stories are taken to be. And Revelations sure as shit ain’t the Gospels, nor is Paul. The eunuch stuff refers to the Essenes I think. Jesus is being pretty progressively inclusive with that.

    No anti-masturbation, no anti-gay, no anti-fluid gender, no anti-abortion, no it’s okay to sexually objectify women, no putting women second, none of that shit coming from Jesus, according to the Gospels. That’s all I’m saying.

  60. 60
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    Naked Bunny:

    What if I use the buddy system?

    Jesus is already watching. How many more buddies do you need?

  61. 61
    nich

    Jesus is already watching. How many more buddies do you need?

    I only need one buddy.

  62. 62
    knowknot

    #10 Gregory Greenwood

    Unless he isn’t talking to us at all. Maybe there is some species out there whose masturbatory habits lead to mass extinctions or cause stars to spontaneously go supernova or something…

    And here we thought it was such a big thing when “the earth moved.”

  63. 63
    boygenius

    kreativekaos #41

    I’ve been there and been doing that since I was child.

    Same here.

    Wait… we’re still talking about masturbation, right?

  64. 64
    irisvanderpluym

    ivyshoots 59:

    It’s pretty hard not to interpret the cut-off-your-hand-if-it-causes-you-to-sin passage in Matthew as anything other than anti-masturbation, but even if so:

    Matthew 5:17-18: “Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
    For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.”

    That is unambiguously the Mosaic law to which Jeezus is referring, i.e. the Old Testament, in all of its genocidal, misogynist, anti-gay, anti-masturbation glory.

  65. 65
    Halcyon Dayz, FCD

    UncleFroggy

    Although being on Fox may get it more viewers who would not think of watching PBS.

    It airs in 35 countries, it might very well become the most watched science show ever.

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