Debating tips from Ben Shapiro »« Crazy, obsessed, weird, perverse

Who’s the real winner here?

The cows. Thousands of years of sneaky deviousness — do not fear Skynet, it’s the time when the cows achieve full sentience (if they haven’t already) and rise up against us that you should be dreading.

Comments

  1. says

    Look. I tried to warn everybody. The splash screen for Land of Milk and Money says, “Drama. Scheming. Cows.” You just can’t trust Bossy! Got milk?

    /gratuitous plug

  2. Larry says

    Gary Larson strikes!!!!!

    No doubt! His cow cartoons were among my favorites. My favorite is the one where, in the first panel, a herd of cows are standing on two legs, talking, holding martini glasses. The second panel shows them grazing on all fours while a car with people passes by. The third panel shows them standing again now that the car is gone. Udder genius.

  3. iknklast says

    You should check out Cows with Guns, if you aren’t already familiar with it. Cows not just with sentience, but heavy weaponry!

  4. Louis says

    And this is why vegetarianism and veganism are wrong and evil. How else are we going to get rid of all those cows and pigs if we don’t eat steak and bacon? Huh? Huh? CHECKMATE SMELLY VEGGIES!!!!eleventy!!!

    Louis

    P.S. Dear fuck I hope it’s blatantly obvious I am joking.

  5. says

    The next Hollywood blockbuster: Planet of the Kine.

    “Somewhere in the universe there must be something better than man. In a matter of time, an astronaut will wing through the centuries and find the answer. He may find the most terrifying one of all on the planet where cattle are the rulers and man the livestock.”

  6. anuran says

    Reminds me of a great line Michael Pollan uttered in an interview:

    The smartest thing grasses ever did was to enlist us in their war against the trees

  7. anuran says

    @9 – Myostatin deficiency can be a scary thing
    Image: Myostatin-deficient Italian greyhound with “Are you sure? Is this the body I was supposed to have?” expression

  8. Johnny Vector says

    The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
    He maketh me down to lie.
    Through pastures green he leadeth me, the silent waters by.
    For lo, he hath great power, and great hunger.
    Whence cometh the day we lowly ones
    Through quiet reflection, and great dedication
    Master the art of karate,
    Lo, we shall rise up,
    And then we’ll make the buggers’ eyes water.

    Er… Waters

    (From memory; hope I got it right.)

  9. says

    Damn, I had no idea that the mass of us and our domesticated animals so outweighed everything else. If you’d asked me, I’d’ve guessed at maybe 50:50.

  10. Trebuchet says

    @13: And of the domestic animals, only cows outweigh us. Of course, in this graph, size matters. We probably outnumber them, but they weigh 5-10 times as much.

    I wish he’d labeled a few more of the groups!

  11. Thumper: Token Breeder says

    I was about to make the same point as Trebuchet. 1 cow = 3-4 humans by weight, right? And we have guns. We can take ‘em, PZ, stop worrying.

  12. Thumper: Token Breeder says

    Unless of course the bovine in question is that Belgian Blue bull CompulsoryAccount7746 posted at #9… that’s gotta be like 10 humans. At least.

  13. ChasCPeterson says

    Agreed with trebuchet: I sure would like to see a more fully annotated version. And the cited source(s) are not even online!
    grrrr

  14. Amphiox says

    And of the domestic animals, only cows outweigh us. Of course, in this graph, size matters. We probably outnumber them, but they weigh 5-10 times as much.

    From another source I recall it being stated that there are around 1.4 billion cows on the planet, one for each human family.

    So yeah, we do outnumber them…

  15. Trebuchet says

    I found myself compelled to look up “cattle” on Wikipedia and found this:

    However, according to some sources, the average weight of all cattle is 753 kg (1,660 lb). Finishing steers in the feedlot average about 640 kg (1,410 lb); cows about 725 kg (1,598 lb), and bulls about 1,090 kg (2,400 lb).

    I’d guess the average weight of humans (your mileage may vary!) is somewhere under 75 kg, so it’s a 10:1 ratio or greater.

  16. Callinectes says

    So are we outnumbered by the cows, or simply out-massed?

    And which chunk represents poultry?

  17. says

    average weight of humans (your mileage may vary!) is somewhere under 75 kg

    Shhh. We don’t want the rest of the world to catch on to the American plan to out-mass everyone else.

  18. Trebuchet says

    So are we outnumbered by the cows, or simply out-massed?

    Just outmassed. I’d guess we outnumber them by around 5:1.

    And which chunk represents poultry?

    Would that be four-legged, live-bearing, milk-giving, furry poultry?

    @PZ: Yeah, I’d like to get back down to just 100kg.

  19. Amphiox says

    I am somewhat surprised that dogs get so little space (they’re not labeled, but they have to be one of the small sections, since all the big swaths are labeled).

  20. edmond says

    Just watch a couple of episodes of The Incredible Dr. Pol, he will put your minds at ease. These animals would all die from having half-birthed calves lodged in their back sides, if it weren’t for human intervention. It’s almost a wonder that they can manage to stand there and successfully breathe.

  21. chigau (違う) says

    edmond
    The reason for half-birthed calves lodging in their back sides is human intervention.
    Same with their lack of ‘intelligence’.

  22. ChasCPeterson says

    which chunk represents poultry?

    the one on the the other graphic that’s not clearly labeled “mammals”, is my guess.

  23. says

    I just saw a paramedic documentary in which one of the patients was crushed against a wall by a cow. Quoted weight was 650kg, call it 2/3rds of a US ton. Got both his legs broken, pelvis survived intact, but he had an obscure bleed in his liver where it was pushed against his spine. Cows is dangerous animals, if you’re not careful with them.

  24. Trebuchet says

    @Me, 23:

    I’d guess we outnumber them by around 5:1.

    According (again) to Wikipedia, about 1.3 billion cattle and 7.1 billion people on earth. (Not counting the six humans who are currently NOT on earth.) So a little greater than 5:1.

  25. ChasCPeterson says

    Cows is dangerous animals, if you’re not careful with them.

    I blame the wall.

  26. latsot says

    What cows lack in self-awareness, they gain in bloody-mindedness and mass. Every so often a cow will take it into its head to walk slowly through an electric fence and a real fence and a hedge only so it can be the first thing you see when you open the curtains, standing in the middle of your garden as though it has every right to be there.

    It’s all the more galling that a good natured slap on the arse will send it trotting home, not necessarily via the original hole it created.

    This happened to me twice. And goats did more or less the same thing every other day for eight years.

  27. Callinectes says

    Would that be four-legged, live-bearing, milk-giving, furry poultry?

    Well yeah. Haven’t we got those yet? Dang. Continue the research.

  28. rorschach says

    I seem to remember reading in some Jared Diamond book that there are 22 million people in Australia, and 160 million sheep.

    As to the graphic, what about zebras and antelopes?

  29. David Marjanović says

    As to the graphic, what about zebras and antelopes?

    Probably the green block above the goats.

  30. A momentary lapse... says

    Replace cattle with Lystrosaurus and we have yet another way that humanity is re-engineering the conditions of the Permian-Triassic extinction.