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Oct 04 2013

Oh, god, you suck

Another crank is haranguing me on twitter. This one’s conceit is that he’s writing emails from God. They’re bizarre: they’re anti-clerical and pro-god, and from them we learn that God has lousy grammar and spelling, and despite being anti-religion, is still pushing the same old tiresome patriarchal beliefs that religion does. Take, for instance, GOD eMails.info: eMail III, Subject: Women.

My dear women, I made you with pre-existing matters. I created you to honor, nature, share, and preserve life. I made each one of you with your own unique beauty. Nothing that walks on earth is more admirable than you women. Men of wisdom and science would respect you and protect you. And there is nothing men can do to stop him from falling in love with you women.

You noticed that your bodies will experience a change when you become pregnant, and your vagina would go through a painful trauma at the time of giving birth. The pain caused is something you women would never forget after you had experienced it. Its serves as a reminder not to choose as the father of your child any man insisting on you to fallow any organized religion.

Sincerely;

God. Your God.

It’s condescending bullshit that trivializes women by putting them on a pedestal and acting as if their great virtue is being beautiful for “men of wisdom and science.” And then leaps immediately into pregnancy, because after all, that’s what women are for and find most important in their lives.

What? The Genesis crapola about pain in childbirth twisted to be a reminder that you shouldn’t join a church? I’m going to have to have a talk with my wife; she sure put on a good act with all the sweating and straining and grunting and crying, but she couldn’t have felt any pain during labor, since the father of her children was consistently steering the family away from organized religion.

Religious kooks, please note: I despise you. God is now blocked.

36 comments

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  1. 1
    chigau (違う)

    Dear God. Your God.
    You are a blaspheming heretic.
    Amen.

  2. 2
    colnago80

    It should be recalled that the Raping Children Church opposed the use of anesthesia for childbirth in the 19th century on the grounds that birth was supposed to be painful.

  3. 3
    Anthony K

    to fallow any organized religion

    Pace your sender of eTestaments, it’s good to remember that a season of alfalfa or clover will help restore your organized religion’s fertility after its fallow year.

  4. 4
    Rutee Katreya

    And there is nothing men can do to stop him from falling in love with you women.

    Technically true, as sexuality is not a choice.

  5. 5
    Lofty

    “Your God” is a sad little wanker.

  6. 6
    SallyStrange

    Hah! That guy is a total fraud. I know because God already HAS a Twitter account.

    Unfortunately, it seems like we’re all annoying him a lot–this was his penultimate tweet:

    You are all very silly people and I’m not going to God you anymore.

    Maybe it’s because of all the imposter accounts.

  7. 7
    PDX_Greg

    Apparently, God has once again proven to be a passive-aggressive misogynist with an elementary student sense of language. That is, of course, when God is taking time out of his busy non-passive-aggressive misogyny schedule.

  8. 8
    Daz: Experiencing A Slight Gravitas Shortfall

    Anthony K

    Pace your sender of eTestaments, it’s good to remember that a season of alfalfa or clover will help restore your organized religion’s fertility after its fallow year.

    And let us not forget that ploughing in a large amount of bovine excrement is also recommended

  9. 9
    Ogvorbis: Still failing at being human.

    I created you to honor, nature, share, and preserve life.

    Sure. Honour nature. I thought it was dominate nature? And that was Man’s job?

    [reads again]

    Oh. That’s supposed to be nurture, not nature.

    What is it about certian cranks that makes spell check (or grammar check) an anathema unto Nuggan?

  10. 10
    anchor

    “Nothing that walks on earth is more admirable than you women.”

    signed,

    The Almighty Misogynist.

  11. 11
    Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls

    Looks like god is added to the list of ‘nyms that when used, mean the opposite of what is intended. As you all know, those who use rational, skeptic, question, inquirer, etc. in their ‘nyms.

  12. 12
    Ogvorbis: Still failing at being human.

    Daz @ 8:

    And let us not forget that ploughing in a large amount of bovine excrement is also recommended

    Would shredded and fermented bible work as well? And there would be a plus — no chance of exotic seeds.

  13. 13
    rachelriley

    *facepalm*

  14. 14
    Daz: Experiencing A Slight Gravitas Shortfall

    Ogvorbis, it really depends on how cruel you want to be to earthworms.

  15. 15
    Anthony K

    Daz, it’s organized religion. Even fallow, it’s chock-full of bovine excrement.

  16. 16
    Doug Little

    God is now blocked.

    Chariots of iron be damned, I’ll bet it never saw that coming!

  17. 17
    twas brillig (stevem)

    What? The Genesis crapola about pain in childbirth twisted to be a reminder that you shouldn’t join a church?

    Umm, yeah but, “God’s email” said:

    Its serves as a reminder not to choose as the father of your child any man insisting on you to fallow any organized religion.[emphasis added]

    Doesn’t “fallow” mean “empty”? I.E. isn’t he saying, “This serves as a reminder to not marry (nor have sex with) anyone who insists you become an atheist.”
    Am I wrong to interpret it this way?

    I don’t know; nonsense like this is totally incomprehensible to me to begin with. How could anyone really believe that what they type is “God” using their fingers to ‘send an e-mail’???

  18. 18
    Ogvorbis: Still failing at being human.

    Daz, and I jsut reread what I wrote — The Homage to Tpyos in my #12 was pure serendipity.

  19. 19
    Ogvorbis: Still failing at being human.

    Er, the Tpyos was in number 9.

  20. 20
    thecalmone

    Why does God use American spelling?

  21. 21
    chigau (違う)

    thecalmone #20

    Why does God use American spelling?

    obviously…

  22. 22
    moarscienceplz

    Would shredded and fermented bible work as well?

    Nah, I’m pretty sure that adding bits of bible, even fermented, to a field would sterilize it worse than what the Romans did to Carthage. Now, if you passed it through a blast furnace first…

  23. 23
    David Eriksen

    @thecalmone #20

    Why does God use American spelling?

    I thought David Bowie had made it perfectly clear that God is an American.

  24. 24
    Holms

    A surprisingly specific interpretation of birth pain, and a surprisingly obtuse method of reminding women not to follow religion.

  25. 25
    Eamon Knight

    Apparently, the infallible deity’s spell checker is very fallible in its suggestions. And said deity is too stupid or lazy to scroll down to the right choice.

  26. 26
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    Why does God use American spelling?

    Because only Satan could think of pronouncing “tre” as “ter” after creating the rest of English phonetics?

  27. 27
    chigau (違う)

    “tre” is actually pronounced more like the “tər” as opposed to “tuuuuur”.
    I agree that Satan is involved in all spelling, everywhere.

  28. 28
    anuran

    If this twerp really is a Christian he should be trembling in fear. Claiming to be god is the worst sort of heresy. Just sayin’

  29. 29
    anchor

    Nerd @ #11:

    “Looks like god is added to the list of ‘nyms that when used, mean the opposite of what is intended. As you all know, those who use rational, skeptic, question, inquirer, etc. in their ‘nyms.”

    I don’t understand. What do you mean?

  30. 30
    Tony! The Fucking Queer Shoop!

    Dear god,
    I am uncertain if you created women to ‘nature’ life or ‘nurture’ it.

  31. 31
    weatherwax

    #20
    [Why does God use American spelling?]

    Sam the Eagle: Please, sir! You are not speaking The Queens English!

    Spike Milligan: Why should I? She never speaks any of mine?

  32. 32
    twas brillig (stevem)

    Further down His website; I see He is fully in support of marijuana. That explains it! He’s a pothead. And it isn’t just His support for marijuana that I call Him that. That would also explain his strange grammar and syntax and spelling; He’s just too high to notice and it makes him ramble incoherently. Confession: there were times in the past, I would be “under the influence” of “mary-jane” that my conversation would ramble in similar ways. Another website I will never “visit” again.

  33. 33
    Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls

    I don’t understand. What do you mean?

    For example, if a newbie uses skeptical in their ‘nym, the odds are they aren’t skeptical of anything other than our skepticism. If they claim to be intelligent, they tend to show a lack of intelligence, etc. If someone claims to talk for god, they aren’t.

  34. 34
    F [is for failure to emerge]

    Are we sure it wasn’t Bill O’Reilly?

  35. 35
    anchor

    Ah, yes, I see now – and quite true. Thanks Nerd!

  36. 36
    David Marjanović

    God is now blocked.

    So it is true: you know He exists, you just refuse to listen to Him!!!1!

    Doesn’t “fallow” mean “empty”? I.E. isn’t he saying, “This serves as a reminder to not marry (nor have sex with) anyone who insists you become an atheist.”
    Am I wrong to interpret it this way?

    Yes, because fallow isn’t a verb.

    Clearly, the Lord uses American pronunciation as well as American spelling; that means he pronounces follow as FAH-low – and is therefore tempted (hah!) to spell it with an A.

    what the Romans did to Carthage

    (For the record, they ploughed it, salted the furrows, and their highest priests cursed the place for a hundred years.

    When that century was over, they immediately started building a new city on that spot. The spot was just too good not to use.)

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