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Sep 17 2013

I get email

Aww, I don’t get as much furious Catholic email as I used to, so this is just a sentimental blast from the past.

www.vaticancatholic.com I hereby declare- you to be – - an unlawful obstructionist. I order all those assembled to immediately disperse. I repeat- to immediately disperse. I order all your activity to immediately cease. I repeat-to immediately cease. It is not in accord with the ordinances of Canon Law. Due to your catalytic tendency of disseminating objectives adverse to Christendom – you are therefore ordered to discontinue your illegal profession. Failure to do so will result in proactive, responsive, and co-active measures. I judge, adjudge, adjudicate, deem, determine and declare your thoughts, words, actions, public or secret, and omissions, biological and spiritual property, subject to the Jurisdiction of the Unfathomable, Infinite, and Ineffable Excellence of OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST. Further, your humanist anachronism, obscurantism, absurdum, intent, mission, and schemes, are henceforth proscribed and condemned. You may be arrested and or subject to other police action. It has so been declared: It is declared that all non-Catholic government exists in a state of inauthenticity. It is thenceforth declared that all modern constitutional states lack canonical legitimacy. It has therefore been thenceforth declared that their existence is an offense to the Divine Majesty and a crime against humanity. The aforesaid Freemasonic corporations are hereby declared anachronical to true human progress. It is decided in order for modern constitutional states to gain authenticity they must recognize the Supreme Jurisdiction of the Papacy and all Papal Dogmas. As a failure to do so will only inflame the Catholic against such blasphemous tyrannical backwards regimes. Lord God is due to make Visitation to such blighted and noxious governments and tyrannies. He will Visit the iniquities upon the infidels and the Anti-Church bigots. Terror will overtake the faces of the unwashed masses. These exquisite bigots against the Papacy will know that the Lord God Himself has done it. The infidel are richly fattened for such Visitation. It is hereby determined. ‘Fiat voluntas tua, sicut in caelo, et in terra’. Thy will be done on earth, as it is in Heaven. Libertarianism (and the constitution) are simply tyrannical failures and instruments that lead to false flag attacks and government-run pedophilia through their Manual (and Visual) Body-Cavity Searches of Juvenile Hall youth. A Catholic Monarchy simply is the answer to today’s varied and many problems. There is Absolutely No Salvation Outside the Catholic Church see www.vaticancatholic.com

So when did the Catholics declare paragraph breaks to be heretical?

88 comments

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  1. 1
    RobertL

    OK- that’s the greatest word salad of all time. The uber-salad.

  2. 2
    Suido

    Having knowledge but not wisdom is like owning a thesaurus but not a dictionary.

  3. 3
    Lofty

    There is rally only one way to answer that.
    “Fuck off.”

  4. 4
    zenlike

    Sharia envy.

    One look at their side, and it becomes apparent that they don’t even believe in the current catholic church and pope. No, these are the True Catholics, you know, the ones who want to go back straight to the middle ages, and want to do away with even the extremely modest progression the church has made in the last half of the twentieth century.

    Funny (for certain values of funny) thing is, in the middle ages, it would be these guys who would be prosecuted by the church as being heretics…

  5. 5
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    Terror will overtake the faces of the unwashed masses.

    Awwww how cute. A little wanna be Tomás de Torquemada.

  6. 6
    LykeX

    It reads almost like an exorcism or some of the language from the old demon grimoires; the constant assertions of authority, the appeals to some strange notion of legal principles, the not-so-veiled threats, the overly flamboyant and technical language.

    I wonder if this guy really views you as a kind of demon that he can invoke god’s power against. He might seriously think that this is magically going to force you to shut up. I guess he’s about to be sorely disappointed.

  7. 7
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    Libertarianism (and the constitution) are simply tyrannical failures and instruments that lead to false flag attacks and government-run pedophilia through their Manual (and Visual) Body-Cavity Searches of Juvenile Hall youth.

    wait

    what?

  8. 8
    shouldbeworking

    There’s about 10 news cycles worth of sound bites there. Brevity is truly the soul of wit.

  9. 9
    Alex

    What I find more even more perplexing, surprising, startling, flabbergasting than the pompous, ostentatious, pretentious, orotund, heavily thesaurus based but vacuous, ineffectual, vapid message… is that these loons hold the domain vaticancatholic.com :)

  10. 10
    Moggie

    Oh yes, the Dimond brothers. Check “Most Holy Family Monastery” on wikipedia. Not nice people.

  11. 11
    Daz: Experiencing A Slight Gravitas Shortfall

    On a related note, I recently found out that part of the preparation for beatification is an investigation to make sure that no “heretical cult” is currently worshipping the person in question. Cult of Ratzinger, anyone…?

  12. 12
    atheistchaplain

    Someone swallowed a thesaurus I see.

  13. 13
    tuibguy

    Heh, heh, heh, he wrote “humanistic anachronism,” heh, heh, heh,

  14. 14
    doubter

    I can’t help imagining the writer as the priest in “The Exorcist”:

    VATICANCATHOLIC: “Give up your evolutionist ways, Myers! The Power of Christ compels you!”

    P.Z.: “Your mother does taxonomy IN HELL!” (vomits pea soup while rotating head)

  15. 15
    Howard Bannister

    Failure to do so will result in proactive, responsive, and co-active measures

    …co-active?

  16. 16
    steve oberski

    exquisite bigots against the Papacy

    That would look great on a t-shirt.

  17. 17
    hyperdeath

    …Yours truly, Sara Mayhew.

  18. 18
    Philip

    There is rally only one way to answer that.
    “Fuck off.”

    Ed Brayton thought along the same lines when he an email from the same guy back in March.

  19. 19
    bbgunn

    What? No “Yours in a Loving Christ”closing?

  20. 20
    steve oberski

    …co-active?

    Working in concert with other like minded theocratic bigots.

  21. 21
    senor

    Well he does have a point about libertarianism

  22. 22
    leftwingfox

    Phillip: I thought that looked familiar! Looks like he skipped the preamble and went straight for the punch line this time.

  23. 23
    Linda Jo Park

    You get all the fun mail sir. (I think I’ve lost some grey matter trying to read that.)

  24. 24
    LykeX

    I guess we all laughed too soon. The prayers of the faithful are clearly interfering with the site.

    Maybe it’s time to rethink your approach PZ. This is the Lord’s warning shot. Repent or perish!

  25. 25
    Ibis3, Let's burn some bridges

    Maybe someone ought to inform him that condemnations, declarations, adjudications against the infidel only work if they’re written entirely in Latin.

  26. 26
    carlie

    We are already pretty dispersed, don’t know what that’s on about.

  27. 27
    John Small Berries

    Having knowledge but not wisdom is like owning a thesaurus but not a dictionary.

    Judging from his characterization of bigots as “exquisite”, I suspect that if he even owns a thesaurus, he doesn’t know how to use it properly.

  28. 28
    Nick Gotts

    Pilty? Is that you?

  29. 29
    unclefrogy

    this summer I had the privileged of working with a production of Shakespeare’s “King John”
    in the play the Louis Dauphin of france says to the Legit of Rome
    “Am I Rome’s slave?”
    there was no answer but the truth was of course “yes of course why do you even have to ask?”

    the religious and the priests that control religion have always claimed ultimate control and authority
    it is so nice when you can get them to openly say it in what for them constitutes plain language.
    That little missive reads just like a formal curse
    so much for the admonition to not judge “as you judge so shall you be judged”
    I guess that only applies to if we try to judge them?

    uncle frogy

  30. 30
    coffeehound

    I declare,pronounce,pontificate,proclaim,enunciate,beseech,announce myself to be Grand Emperor of this galaxy, and therefore, nullify,expunge,forbid,negate,and otherwise prevent you from ordering PZ and squidlings to disperse. I further command, order,entreat your illegal church to cease any and all claims to any further jurisdiction over any animals, plants, rocks, water and gases, on this, my planet.( I love this game!)

  31. 31
    Rumtopf

    Well, at least it’s good for a laugh. Adorable how this person thinks they have the power to command anything, too. I repeat – adorable.

  32. 32
    David Marjanović

    What I find more even more [...] is that these loons hold the domain vaticancatholic.com :)

    Well, vatican.va was occupied… so…

    in the play the Louis Dauphin of france says to the Leg[a]t[e] of Rome
    “Am I Rome’s slave?”
    there was no answer but the truth was of course “yes of course why do you even have to ask?”

    Actually, that might be a reference to Gallicanism.

    Grand Emperor

    Why not Grand Wizard With Nine Dragons?

    Adorable how this person thinks they have the power to command anything, too. I repeat – adorable.

    That’s what happens to people when they believe they speak for God.

  33. 33
    anuran

    Day-um. That is some cask-strength five-star vintage rant there. It’s always awe-inspiring to see a Master ply his Art.

    I want him to deliver his missive to the Union of Islamic Courts in Somalia or at a BJP rally in India or even a Kahanist settlement near Hebron and have the results on youTube.

  34. 34
    David Marjanović

    I sorta kinda don’t. I’m not all that much into splatter.

  35. 35
    anuran

    I further abjure, incant, evoke, command and bind him that he not bend, fold, spindle or mutilate his IBM cards.

  36. 36
    Larry

    You know, if you sing these words to the tune Stairway to Heaven, it scans pretty well.

  37. 37
    otrame

    Sounds like he watched too much Michael Voris, who has won the Worst Rug on Youtube Award 3 years in a row. My favorite is one he took down later. The one that said “only virtuous people should be allowed to vote”. He defined “virtuous as “faithful Catholics”. He also wanted to reestablish Catholic monarchies. Like in the good old days.

    As I said, he took it down, but Steve Shives put it back up. It is a genuine hoot. Enjoy.

  38. 38
    David Pearce

    I can see why he would be upset about “government-run pedophilia through their Manual (and Visual) Body-Cavity Searches of Juvenile Hall youth”. Such activity is clearly the sole prerogative of the Catholic hierarchy.

  39. 39
    Sandy Small

    Have you heard my new band, Co-Active Anachronical?

  40. 40
    sc_cf7ce699e1e5259b3aba87c6aeb083b6

    You have nothing to fear he left out “double dare you” to continue what ever he thinks you are doing

  41. 41
    Marcus Ranum

    Due to your catalytic tendency of disseminating objectives adverse to Christendom – you are therefore ordered to discontinue your illegal profession.

    That’s what a stupid person writes like when they’re trying to sound smart.

  42. 42
    janiceclanfield

    The only defense against such military-grade blathering is to put your index fingers into your ears and begin the la-la-la song.

  43. 43
    LykeX

    Have you heard my new band, Co-Active Anachronical?

    Your band is named that too? Aw, shucks!

  44. 44
    Rolan le Gargéac

    @Orig : I get email

    I hereby declare- you to be – – an unlawful obstructionist. I order all those assembled to immediately disperse. I repeat- to immediately disperse. I order all your activity to immediately cease. I repeat-to immediately cease.

    Gleetings Ilk ! I’ve had a bit of an accident and have only two fingers o type with; tis an improvement , for a month I only had one. Luvkily just enough to still play CIV 5. Er, er, that there quote is your future little ones except for twhatever bollards they need to invent to get you. Your poh-leese ae already the greatest threats to your freedom(s) you’ve ever seen. Get moving, stop being so easily distracted or you’re toast.

    Be seeing you.

  45. 45
    johnmarley

    Wow. I had no idea that Mojo Jojo is catholic.

  46. 46
    Charlie Foxtrot

    Heh, I was going to have a chuckle and a pretend whinge about the Australian government existing “in a state of inauthenticity” … but then I remembered that the Mad Monk is being sworn in today as our new PM, so we probably now qualify in their opinion.
    and now I’m not chuckling anymore, dammit.

  47. 47
    Al Dente

    An interesting thing is that Dimond is a sedevacantist. That’s one who believes the papacy has been vacant since the death of Pius XII in 1958 and all the popes from John XXIII to Frankie are actually anti-popes. So while he’s claiming the Catholic Church is the supreme authority on Earth, he doesn’t mean the Catholic Church as we know it, with Pope Frankie running a cult with about a billion followers. Dimond thinks he and his half-dozen followers are the true church.

  48. 48
    WMDKitty -- Survivor

    johnmarley

    I went back and re-read it in Mojo’s voice, and holy crap, you’re right! All it’s lacking is something about “I, MojoJojo, being me, blahblahblahdeblah.”

  49. 49
    Randomfactor

    …co-active?

    It’s from Aristophanes. “The Frogs.”

  50. 50
    Ichthyic

    ^^ was just thinking the exact same thing.

  51. 51
    Ichthyic

    why doesn’t it surprise me this person does not like Pope Francis….

  52. 52
    Kagato

    You may be arrested and or subject to other police action. It has so been declared: It is declared that all non-Catholic government exists in a state of inauthenticity. It is thenceforth declared that all modern constitutional states lack canonical legitimacy.

    But the police force is provided by the state… so if the constitutional state lacks legitimacy, you don’t have any police with which to arrest me!

  53. 53
    throwaway

    No ‘yea verily’? How the hell can you have a biblical diatribe without a few ‘yea, verily’? It’s hard to take them seriously or respect their authority without at least a baker’s dozen of those.

  54. 54
    carlie

    I cannot express how much I love that this got compared to a Mojo Jojo monologue.

  55. 55
    F [is for failure to emerge]

    Yar, knock it off PZ, you Libertarian Freemason.

    And the rest of you: Your pedophilia is not the sort sanctioned by the Church. Become a proper Church functionary if you want to rape children and adolescents.

    Or some magical Catholic Cops will be by to arrest you. Some guy said so!

  56. 56
    robster

    Uh? Sooo the baby jesus drives a Fiat right?

  57. 57
    psanity

    Larry @36:

    You know, if you sing these words to the tune Stairway to Heaven, it scans pretty well.

    No, no it doesn’t. (Don’t look at me that way — because that’s the way my silly brain works, that’s why.) The first few sentences are pretty good, but then it all falls apart. You can get a little further with “Brain Damage”, with a nice rhythm to the redundant verbiage, but it’s hopeless, really. His sentences are just too fucking long. I’m forced to concede that “Brain Damage” is too good for him.

  58. 58
    Stardrake

    But he forgot to complain about the dead bishop on the landing!

  59. 59
    F [is for failure to emerge]

    Also, the flay rod has gone out of skew on the treadle.

  60. 60
    phere

    I’m with #7. Wut????? I mean, not that the prior “sentences” were comprehensible, but that one was a doozy.

  61. 61
    themadkansan

    Oy vey. The Derp is strong with this one…

  62. 62
    Brain Hertz

    There is rally only one way to answer that.
    “Fuck off.”

    Too short. Needs to be something more, you know, sophisticated. Like:

    “You are hereby judged, adjudged, adjudicated, deemed, determined and declared to be full of shit, poo, crap, feces and excrement and are thereforeto hereby whenceforth commanded, instructed, cajoled, entreatied and directed to fuck, fornicate, copulate and procreate off”.

    How’s that?

  63. 63
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    Due to your catalytic tendency of disseminating objectives adverse to Christendom – you are therefore ordered to discontinue your illegal profession.

    That’s what a stupid person writes like when they’re trying to sound smart.

    Could be worse. At least it’s not “inseminating objectivists.” O.o

  64. 64
    scott

    There’s a letter from Pope Innocent IV to the Mongol Khan in 1245, supposedly to explain Christianity to him. I think your correspondent took it as a model; it has the same combination of incomprehensibility and absolute conviction. It starts like this and gets more obscure from there:

    The immense benevolence of God the father, considering with ineffable piety the fall of mankind, which came to ruin by the sin of the first man, and wishing with great love to mercifully revive him whom diabolic envy has made prostrate by deceitful suggestion, has sent his only-begotten son, sharing the same nature with him, from the highest throne of heaven to the lowest dirt of the world, he who, conceived in the womb of the pre-elected virgin by the grace of the Holy Spirit and endowed there with the clothing of human flesh, thenceforth appeared to all, having exited from the enclosed gate of his mother’s virginity.

    (I wish I could remember how to derp-quote.)
    http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Dei_Patris_Immensa

  65. 65
    Lyn M: ADM MinTruthiness

    In the olden days, when my job got me mail of this type, it used to come on crumpled, extra-cheap paper, with tiny type jammed across the page and barely advanced on the spindle enough to separate the lines. Almost as if it were required by a style manual, it ran up-hill reading left to right. This is similar, barring the typeface. We used to call it crazy type. All you had to do was open the envelope and you knew it was going to be a long morning. I used to have to answer some of those.
    Yes, politely!
    This one is was ultra-high grade though. Most impressive long-sequence addled typing.

  66. 66
    weatherwax

    #45, I hadn’t thought of Mojo-Jojo. Brilliant.

    #53: And ‘fornicators’. Can’t be a good diatribe without using fornicators.

    #58: http://io9.com/the-10-most-memorable-dungeons-dragons-monsters-1326074030

  67. 67
    weatherwax

    Damm, #3 should have been http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UO0ZjJm-FPk

    Something’s up with my comments page, and I can’t see what I’m typing.

  68. 68
    phere

    Pretend this is ‘A magician named Job’ (Arrested Development) rehearsing his strongly worded letter. It’s actually quite hilarious.

  69. 69
    Dave Henking

    I wish *I* got hate mail like that. All mine is debate about the illuminati and ridiculous shit like that.

  70. 70
    MJP

    This word salad lacks potatoes.

  71. 71
    lorn

    There are few things quite so pathetic as someone claiming authority without the power to enforce that authority. Given the phrasing I suspect this idiot thinks the wording, references, perhaps even the word order itself, has some magical power. Sort of like the invocation of “the power of Christ” in an exorcism. It is a sort of by-the-numbers, shake-and-bake, formulaic, summoning of imagined supernatural powers by an essentially powerless person.

    Always good for a laugh.

    Of course, this guy is free to claim authority over imaginary places and beings. Like heaven, hell, demons, angels. etcetera … Imaginary beings evidently lack all sense of irony and don’t laugh when a powerless fop rattles on about their authority.

  72. 72
    unclefrogy

    I was reminded while reading this
    (by the way was there some problems with the web site earlier?)

    Just for the inventiveness of it something could be written up as a form reply to be used at your discretion for special asses like this.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reply_of_the_Zaporozhian_Cossacks

    uncle frogy

  73. 73
    Giliell, professional cynic -Ilk-

    I expect that you’re trembling with fear, PZ

  74. 74
    dexitroboper

    If this guy was any good, his screed would be in Latin.

  75. 75
    Lyn M: ADM MinTruthiness

    uncle frogy # 72

    Well worth the read, thank you. That was some serious slagging.

  76. 76
    Lofty

    Brain Hertz @62

    How’s that?

    Much better, thank you.

  77. 77
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    This person seems to have some sort of fetish for redundant verbs and repetition.

  78. 78
    saganite

    That HAS to be a Poe. It’s too absurd even for an extremist theocrat. Or at least that’s what I hope. This can’t be genuine… can it…?

  79. 79
    Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls

    That HAS to be a Poe. It’s too absurd even for an extremist theocrat. Or at least that’s what I hope. This can’t be genuine… can it…?

    I suspect it’s real. We had a theocrat with similar thinking post here for a while under the ‘nym of Piltdownman.

  80. 80
    anuran

    His site wouldn’t have that many long videos if it were satire

  81. 81
    Turtles

    Wow, Vogon poetry.

  82. 82
    myeck waters

    …is mild by comparison.

  83. 83
    anuran

    Read it aloud. It has that fundamental characteristic of poetry – a sound and rhythm that set it apart from normal prose speech. It’s poetry run through The Book of the Subgenius after three bowls of hashish and a hit of bad blotter acid but poetry nonetheless

  84. 84
    Azuma Hazuki

    Someone tell this dipshit the Roman church bears about as much resemblance to Jesus’ beliefs as packing peanuts do to actual peanuts, huh? Jesus didn’t speak Latin. Didn’t implement sacraments. Certainly wasn’t trying to start a new religion, but purify an older one, his religion, Judaism.

    Sometimes I wonder if these people know even a tiny little bit about Jesus. Like the fact that he spoke Aramaic, and that the earliest NT books would have been in Syrian and Koine Greek. If I ever get my hands on this idiot I’ll give him an aionion kolasin, to properly quote Matthew 25:46…

    Latin is a shitty language for theology compared to Greek.

  85. 85
    Tony! The Fucking Queer Shoop!

    Wait…if this guy is channeling Mojo Jojo, which Powerpuff Girl is PZ?

  86. 86
    gardengnome

    The library called… They want their legal thesauras back!

  87. 87
    gardengnome

    Damn…did I misspell thesaurus?

  88. 88
    chigau (違う)

    yes

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