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Sep 16 2013

Delusionally competent

You know that Chibuihem Amalaha is a scientist because at the top of the article, his photo shows him wearing a lab coat and holding a flask of colored water. That’s enough for me! And he goes on to demonstrate his competence by citing his great discoveries.

He continued: “Ever since then I have been doing a lot of researches in the country. There are many discoveries and inventions I have made in science and technology. I have also been able to prove that the mathematical symbol pi which people thought of as 22 over 7 is not actually 22 over , but rather a transcendental number while 22 over 7 is a rational number. I also proved that watching television in the dark impacts negatively on one’s eyes and by God’s grace, I was the first person to use scientific instruments to prove it in the whole world. The Nigerian Television Authority (NTA) featured me on this in one of their programmes on January 12, 2013, where I demonstrated to millions of their viewers that watching television in the dark damages the eyes. Usually when it’s around 10pm, many families in Nigeria will switch off their surrounding lights to use the light from television or the light from computer alone thinking that they will see images brighter. But from experiments I found that it’s not true and experts both at the University of Lagos and elsewhere have found my work to be true. The reason for this is because there is a lot of difference in illuminants (brightness) between the television screen and the dark background in the room known as the periphery,” Amalaha said.

Okay. Well. We’re off to an interesting start, but that’s not the point of the article: Chibuihem Amalaha has proven that gay marriage is wrong, using Science. He is a true polymath who has used multiple disciplines to make his case.

Physics:

“To start with, physics is one of the most fundamentals of all the sciences and I used two bar magnets in my research. A bar magnet is a horizontal magnet that has the North Pole and the South Pole and when you bring two bar magnets and you bring the North Pole together you find that the two North Poles will not attract. They will repel, that is, they will push away themselves showing that a man should not attract a man. If you bring two South Poles together you find that the two South Poles will not attract indicating that same sex marriage should not hold. A female should not attract a female as South Pole of a magnet does not attract the South Pole of a magnet. But, when you bring a North Pole of a magnet and a South Pole of a magnet they will attract because they are not the same, indicating that a man will attract a woman because of the way nature has made a female. Even in physics when you study what is called electrostatics, you found that when you rub particles together they don’t attract each other but when you rub particle in another medium they will attract each other. For example, if you use your biro and rub it on your hair, after rubbing, try to bring small pieces of paper they will attract because one is charged while the other one is not charged. But if both of them are charged they don’t attract, which means that man cannot attract another man because they are the same, and a woman should not attract a woman because they are the same. That is how I used physics to prove gay marriage wrong.

Even more significantly, he has now proven that people are magnetic.

Chemistry:

“In chemistry, I used chemical reactions and we have different types of chemical reactions. We have double decomposition reaction, decomposition reaction, neutralisation reaction and reduction oxidation reaction. But in chemistry I used a simple one known as neutralisation reaction which is a reaction where an acid reacts with a base to give you salt and water. For example, when you bring surphuric acid and you reacts it with sodium hydroxide which is a base you are going to have salt and water. That tells you that the acid is a different body, the base is a different body and they will react. But if you bring an acid and you pour it on top of an acid chemistry there will be no reaction. If you bring water and pour it on top it shows that there will be no reaction. If you bring a base either sodium hydroxide and you pour it on top of a sodium hydroxide you find out that there will be reaction showing that a man on top of a man will have no reaction. A woman on top of a woman will have no reaction, that is what chemistry is showing. Even in chemistry when you also use a process called electrolysis, which is if you use electrolysis of acidilated water, that is water you drop some droplets of acid on it, you found that the negative ions will be attracted to the positive ones while the positive ions will be attracted to the negative ones. So the negative ones are not attracted to their peers, they are all attracted to the positive electrode and the positive ones are not attracted to the positive electrode. Instead, the negative ion is attracted to positive electrodes and why is it that the negative is attracted to the positive? It is because they are not the same. Likewise a man cannot be attracted to a man as negative ion is not attracted to the negative electrode instead negative ion is attracted to the positive electrode. That is what electrolysis is showing us that gay marriage is wrong in the area of chemistry.

I’ve noticed when I hug my wife that there is a tremendous exothermic reaction that produces big buckets of salt water. Oh, wait, no…I haven’t noticed that. I must have done the experiment wrong.

Biology:

“In biology, I used simple experiments and I came down to a lay man. We have seen that the female of a fowl is called hen and the male of a fowl is called a cock. We have never seen where a cock is having sex with a cock and we have never seen where a hen is having sex with another. Even among lions when you go to the zoo you find out that lion does not mate with a lion instead a lion will mate with a lioness showing that a lion being a male will mate with lioness being a female. Now if animals that are of even lower creature understand so much, how come human being made in the higher image of God that is even of higher creature will be thinking of a man having sex with another and woman having sex with another woman? That shows that it’s a misnomer and when you come to real biological standard, when you see a lady you love there is what is called the follicle stimulating hormone. The follicle stimulating hormone in a man triggers what is called spermatogenesis through your brain which is called hypothalamus. It will send message to your brain when you see a lady you love and through the hypothalamus you will go after the lady. And it will trigger your spermatogenesis and the lady’s host follicles stimulating hormone will be triggered by the hypothalamus and it will stimulate her ovarian follicle. So in the man is the spermatogenesis, in female it’s the ovarian follicle. You find out that the sperm alone does not produce a child and the ovary alone in the female does not produce a child. They need each other for reproduction to occur and the follicle stimulating hormone in the man and that of the female promote different things. The sperm in the man alone doesn’t produce a child and ovary in the female alone does not produce a child, they need each other for reproduction to occur. So that shows how biology proves that gay marriage is wrong.

Gay penguins don’t count?

Math:

In mathematics which is another core area of science, I used what is called the principle of commutativity and idepotency. Commutativity in mathematics is simply the arrangement of numbers or arrangement of letters in which the way you arrange them don’t matter. For example, if you say A + B in mathematics you are going to have B + A. For example, if I say two plus three it will give five. If I start from three, I say three plus two it also give you five showing that two plus three and three plus two are commutative because they gave the same results. That shows that A + B will give you B + A, you see that there is a change. In A + B, A started the journey while in B + A, B started the journey. If we use A as a man and use B as a woman we are going to have B + A that is woman and man showing that there is a reaction. A + B reacted, they interchanged and gave us B + A showing that commutativity obeys that a man should not marry a man and a woman should not marry a woman. If you use idempotency, it’s a reaction in mathematics where A + A = A. Actually in abstract algebra, A + A =2A but we are less concerned with the numerical value two. We are more less concerned with the symbols A, you find out that A + A will give you A showing that the whole thing goes unchanged. It didn’t change unlike commutativity A + B give B + A there is a change. A started the journey in commutativity and A + B gave us B + A and B started the journey after the equality sign. But in the case of idempotency A + A will give you A showing that it goes unreacted. You started with A and you meet A ,the final result is A. Showing that a man meeting a man A + A will produce a man there is no reaction, it goes unreacted and in chemical engineering you have to send the material back to the reactor for the action to be carried out again showing that it goes unreacted. That is how mathematics has shown that gay marriage is wrong because commutativity proves that gay marriage is wrong. Idempotency also proves that gay marriage is wrong. So these are the principles I have used to prove gay marriage wrong in physics, chemistry, biology, mathematics and by the grace of God I am the only one that has proved this in the whole world.

Gosh. Math is hard.

And his work is unique! Google it; no one else is making these arguments, therefore he must be right.

“If you go on the Internet to check whether there is anybody who has used physics to prove gay marriage wrong, you find out there is none. You go to Google or youtube check whether there is anybody that has used chemistry to find same sex marriage wrong, you find out there is none and the same applies to biology and mathematics.

“In general, same sex marriage is evil. It should be stopped by those practicing it. Now they are saying that they will go and adopt a child, the question is that if everybody shows interest in same sex marriage where would the child they are adopting come from?”

So now he dreams of winning a Nobel prize. For what? I don’t know. He doesn’t say, either.

And now his works have earned him the respect in the world of science. He said: “At the University of Lagos where I currently study as a student you will find my publication on the notice board there. When you go to the Senate Building of the university you will see the same notice there and even recently my lecturer at the Department of Chemical Engineering, Profesor D.S.Aribuike pointedly told me that I will win Nobel prize one day, because he found that my works are real and nobody has done it in any part of the world. You know Nobel Prize is the highest award anyone could ever win and no African has won Nobel Prize in science. So I am aspiring to win Nobel Prize for Africa. Other universities have seen my work and sent me commendations. I have a professor friend who has seen the work I did and he sent me congratulatory message because of the originality of the work.”

Oh, so “originality” is now a synonym for “bug-eating frothing mad” now?

I have reached other echelons in the science and technology world like Professor V.O. Ife Olunyolo a well-known engineer in Nigeria. He brought the first system engineering known in Sub-Sahara Africa at the University of Lagos. I have given him a copy of my work and he didn’t find it wrong. I have never seen anybody who condemned my work.”

Oh, we can fix that. I’m a biologist. I condemn your work. Worse, it’s the dumbest pile of barely literate shit I’ve seen in ages; the argument from analogy has no force at all, and relying on comparing people to magnets, solutions of different pH, or algebraic rules is simply idiotic. The biology used is selective examples backed by a childishly avid adoption of the naturalistic fallacy and the crudest mechanical view of how the brain works. Shame on your professors for praising a pathetic collection of superficial and often wrong observations; shame on the media for pretending an ignorant fool is a respectable scientist.

119 comments

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  1. 1
    leftwingfox

    I’ve noticed when I hug my wife that there is a tremendous exothermic reaction that produces big buckets of salt water.

    Not even a few tablespoons of salty liquid?

    That said, I think even homosexuals couples of any gender can produce that…

  2. 2
    kimbeaux

    @Chibuihem Amalaha

    Animal magnetism is not what you think it is.

  3. 3
    Pierce R. Butler

    Fuckin’ humans, how do they work?

  4. 4
    Inaji

    In general, same sex marriage is evil. It should be stopped by those practicing it.

    I don’t suppose it has occurred to him that he’s only condemning gay marriage, so gay livin’ in sin is perfectly okay, right? Right?

    What a load of tosh.

  5. 5
    Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls

    Way to start the day, with a double facepalm-jaw-drop.

  6. 6
    leftwingfox

    Come to think of it, if he were correct in his magnetism comparison, then homosexuality would be physically impossible. Two people of the same gender attempting physical contact would be repelled from each other, possibly at high speeds.

  7. 7
    birgerjohansson

    What about gay people having *virtual* sex? that sounds vaguely science-y.

  8. 8
    carlie

    You know that Chibuihem Amalaha is a scientist because at the top of the article, his photo shows him wearing a lab coat and holding a flask of colored water.

    With his jacket sleeves sticking out past the end of the lab coat, and with the top of it turned back and open with his jacket lapels over the lab coat. Dude. If you’re going to pretend to be a scientist, at least get the look right!

  9. 9
    doublereed

    That is hilarious. I really want more though. He only used Algebra. What about Calculus, Trigonometry, Geometry, Linear Algebra, Number Theory, etc. etc.? There’s so much more he could say here. He must be some sort of genius that no one else is making these arguments.

    People are magnets. Who knew?

  10. 10
    Rip Steakface

    I can’t even get through the first few sentences before going “what.”

    I have also been able to prove that the mathematical symbol pi which people thought of as 22 over 7 is not actually 22 over , but rather a transcendental number while 22 over 7 is a rational number.

    Okay. What.

    First, pi has been known to transcendental since the 19th century. If he means he can work through the math proving its transcendence… good for him? I can’t, but I’m not a math student, I’m a friggin’ musician. Second, who the fuck thinks that pi is actually 22/7? That breaks down at the *third* digit after the decimal point. That’s why it’s called an approximation, Mr. Amalaha.

  11. 11
    barry21

    Welp, I’m convinced. It’s one thing for me to believe that every person deserves equal rights; it’s another thing entirely for this leading light of our age to find that all branches of science converge on this flawless proof.

  12. 12
    barry21

    @6 – Not if they’re doing it right, LWF

  13. 13
    Crys T

    In Spanish we have an expression, “vergüenza ajena,” which means the vicarious shame you feel when someone is embarrassing themselves.

    This what I feel reading Chibuihem Amalaha’s words.

  14. 14
    Augustus Carp

    Now then…. I used to teach chemistry to 11-13 year olds and most of them would have spotted the inaccuracy in “For example, when you bring surphuric [sic] acid and you reacts it with sodium hydroxide which is a base you are going to have salt and water.”

    You are going to have (actually “produce”) A salt and water and NOT just any old salt either, In this reaction you would get sodium sulphate. For Sodium chloride, Hydrochloric acid would be needed.

    This argument from analogy is total bunkum of course… but if he is even attempting to make something of it… he ought to have got the model he is comparing against to be accurate

  15. 15
    Nepenthe

    Soooo does this magnetism thingy mean that homosex creates a lot of energy? ‘Cause my Beloved and I volunteer to make out in a generator. For the good of humanity, of course.

  16. 16
    Naked Bunny with a Whip

    In chemistry, I used chemical reactions and we have different types of chemical reactions.

    Thanks, Criswell.

  17. 17
    barbara4

    Since Chibuihem Amalaha thinks non-human mammals don’t have sex (or at least try hard to have sex) with individuals of the same sex, I think we can safely predict that he grew up as a city kid. Either that, or his observational skills are as bad as his reasoning.

  18. 18
    Larry

    Dear Dr. Amalaha:

    I find your ideas intriguing and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

    By-the-way, you aren’t a Nigerian prince looking to get your stolen inheritence out of your country are you? I have some money I think might help you. Email me.

  19. 19
    Inaji

    barbara4:

    I think we can safely predict that he grew up as a city kid.

    He did mention zoo animals, so I think studying animals in their natural habitats is off the table.

  20. 20
    grumpyoldfart

    I’ll give this story another fifteen hours before it disappears without a trace. Not even an American gay-basher will fall for this hoax.

  21. 21
    Inaji

    grumpyoldfart:

    Not even an American gay-basher will fall for this hoax.

    Don’t get around on the ‘net much, eh?

  22. 22
  23. 23
    Sili

    “To start with, physics is one of the most fundamentals of all the sciences and I used two bar magnets in my research.

    Someone should tell him about bosons with even spin.

  24. 24
    Arthur,King of the Britons

    This new learning amazes me, Mr. Amalaha. Explain again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

  25. 25
    gussnarp

    He proved Pi != 22/7? So he had a third grader’s flawed understanding of Pi because no one explained to him that 22/7 was an approximation and he had no idea what Pi really is and then he managed to figure out what we’ve known for centuries? Somebody give that man a Nobel Prize. I couldn’t get any further.

  26. 26
    vytautasjanaauskas

    I have also been able to prove that the mathematical symbol pi which people thought of as 22 over 7 is not actually 22 over , but rather a transcendental number while 22 over 7 is a rational number.

    This has to be fake. It can’t be real. Not even in Africa.

  27. 27
    LykeX

    Let me give that a try:
    Oil mixes with oil and water mixes with water, but if you combine oil and water, they won’t mix. This proves that men should marry men and women should marry women. Some substances, like soaps, can allow for water and oil to mix, proving that polyamorous bisexuality is also allowed.

    Really, the only thing that doesn’t work is a heterosexual monogamous relationship. Science has spoken. We must obey the laws of chemistry.

  28. 28
    george gonzalez

    Well then, does that mean a bisexual can be modelled as an electromagnet fed with alternating current?

    But an electromagnet has inductance, and inductance is measured in Henrys, a boy name, and Ohm, and Farad(ay), and Ampere were boys, proving ….. something sexual, by your line of reasoning. But Madame Curie was a girl, married to a guy, but Alpha particles are neutral and Betas are negative, meaning that that one of them was asexual. See how easy it is to do science?

  29. 29
    Inaji

    George Gonzalez:

    But Madame Curie was a girl

    Madame Curie was a woman.

  30. 30
    Rey Fox

    that a man on top of a man will have no reaction. A woman on top of a woman will have no reaction

    Oh you silly sheltered fellow.

    This whole spiel reads like a somewhat bright Christian middle school student.

  31. 31
    a_ray_in_dilbert_space

    Rey Fox: “This whole spiel reads like a somewhat bright Christian middle school student.”

    I don’t see where you get “bright”. I mean, seriously, I used to teach bright, African middle school students, and this guy would make them want to hide their face in shame.

  32. 32
    Trebuchet

    This whole spiel reads like a somewhat bright Christian middle school student.

    More likely Muslim, I’d guess, although either one works.

    I was anxious to read the comments to see how far it would be before the “fuckin’ magnets, how do they work?” meme would show up. I was kind of surprised it was as late as #3!

    Also, oil may not mix with water but if you mix it with vinegar and some herbs you can have a tasty salad dressing.

  33. 33
    jackcowie

    It’s pretty sad, really.

    But I have to say one thing: there is such a thing as a noncommutative algebra…

  34. 34
    Doug Hudson

    The whole thing would be hilarious, if the subject (homophobia, misogyny) weren’t so scary. Easy to overlook the nasty philosophy hidden behind all those misused words.

    Naked Bunny with Whip@16, What up, Criz? Have you seen the Rifftrax of Plan 9?

  35. 35
    moarscienceplz

    You know that Chibuihem Amalaha is a scientist because at the top of the article, his photo shows him wearing a lab coat and holding a flask of colored water.

    Everybody knows you don’t become a real scientist until you reanimate dead tissue. Preferably an entire organism, but at least a heart in a jar.

  36. 36
    Inaji

    moarscienceplz:

    Everybody knows you don’t become a real scientist until you reanimate dead tissue. Preferably an entire organism, but at least a heart in a jar.

    Nah, there’s no cred in that. Now, a brain in a jar, that’s a different matter.

  37. 37
    jnorris

    If this is an accurate example of Nigerian higher education I can understand why all those mufti-millionaire Nigerians what me to help them get their money out of that country.

  38. 38
    Randomfactor

    A woman on top of a woman will have no reaction

    Anecdotally they can catalyze male reactions, though.

    I’m with those who say the 22/7 thing is a tell.

  39. 39
    Howard Bannister

    when you bring two bar magnets and you bring the North Pole together you find that the two North Poles will not attract. They will repel, that is, they will push away themselves showing that a man should not attract a man.

    It turns out we’ve all been magnets all this time.

    Fucking magnets. How do they even work?

    Also, when a man actually is attracted to another man, despite magnets never ever being attracted ‘that way,’ this means that physics have become broken.

    Congratulations, all you fabulous, fabulous gaiz. You broke physics.

  40. 40
    dianne

    Everybody knows you don’t become a real scientist until you reanimate dead tissue. Preferably an entire organism, but at least a heart in a jar.

    I reanimated a dead heart in a person once. Does that count?

  41. 41
    cag

    I got a 419 at the link.

  42. 42
    mmLilje

    So, basically, heterosexuality destroys hard drives?

  43. 43
    John Horstman

    I have also been able to prove that the mathematical symbol pi which people thought of as 22 over 7 is not actually 22 over , but rather a transcendental number while 22 over 7 is a rational number.

    WTF? Who thinks Pi is a rational number? I learned the polynomial series for calculating Pi to an arbitrary degree of precision as an exercise in calculus class a decade ago; color me entirely unimpressed. Somehow it gets worse from there. Dunning-Kruger to the max.

  44. 44
    Inaji

    Dianne:

    I reanimated a dead heart in a person once. Does that count?

    Oh yes, that counts. Serious business, that.

  45. 45
    chigau (違う)

    dianne

    I reanimated a dead heart in a person once. Does that count?

    Only if you used magnets.

  46. 46
    chigau (違う)

    π sucks

    http://tauday.com/tau-manifesto

  47. 47
    F [i'm not here, i'm gone]

    But if you bring an acid and you pour it on top of an acid chemistry there will be no reaction.

    Maybe, if it is the same acid at the same concentration.

    If you bring water and pour it on top it shows that there will be no reaction.

    1. Bullshit.
    2. You know nothing of the simplest chemistry. You do not pour water on to acid. Bad plan. But do go right ahead and demonstrate your “no reaction”. I’ll watch from over here.

    In biology…

    lolwut? All sort of animals have teh gay secks. I’ve also seen dogs hump human legs, which really goes nowhere in terms of reproduction, but certainly seems to satisfy an urge. Legs and dogs will probably never marry, but that shouldn’t stop humans of the same gender from hooking up. (And doesn’t.)

    Actually in abstract algebra, A + A =2A but we are less concerned with the numerical value two. We are more less concerned with the symbols A

    Because I said so. My math, my rules. I’m just making this shit up, but I figured there would be questions because i caught on to the same problem with this metaphor myself. So I’m going to hand wave it away and don’t you worry about it any further. Look at these shiny keys!

  48. 48
    steffp

    In defense of the Nigeria Media Merit Award I want to point out that Mr. Chibuihem Amalaha is not, as he claims, on the official list of the winners of the 2011 Nigeria Media Merit Award.

  49. 49
    The Mellow Monkey: Non-Hypothetical

    vytautasjanaauskas @26

    This has to be fake. It can’t be real. Not even in Africa.

    There is plenty from Chibuihem Amalaha to respond to. Please don’t smear an entire continent full of people instead.

  50. 50
    Randomfactor

    This ignores the fact that magnets have both poles simultaneously. All he’s proven is that for magnets of the same orientation to get close together, one has to be behind the other one.

    He might have a point if he’s isolated magnetic monopoles. But if he’s done THAT, he truly IS in line for a Nobel.

  51. 51
    Louis

    Strong acids do not react with weaker acids? Disproportionation is something that doesn’t exist therefore no Gheyrriage??

    Nobel. Minimum.

    Louis

  52. 52
    Cerberus is working overtime at the outrage factory

    Physics:

    So… if I’m between my girlfriends, and am rotating between them, does that make me an electric generator?

    And wouldn’t this, by the argument presented, mean that polyamorous queer relationships are crucial for the electrical grid of this great society?

    Chemistry:

    The big fails have already been grabbed by others, so I’ll just note the inclusion of water being added producing no reaction not for its inaccuracy, but as a nod that it is nice when bigots remember to include us asexuals in their ascientific hate-jaculations.

    Biology:

    I love love love that this is where his argument completely falls apart. Oh, take that queers, you can’t possibly be sexually attracted to each other because positive ions, negative ions and that’s why we don’t see your kind in biol…oh. Uh, if I put my fingers in my ears and pretend away gay animals, then I can totally pretend its a Satanist invention by commies.

    Also, not only are their gay chickens, but there are even transgender chickens. And asexual sheep. Turns out all the shit we see in humans tends to crop up in animals as well. You know, as if they were naturally occurring phenomena that were based in in-born traits.

    Math:

    I gotta love that. Well, see, if you take a man and a man and add them together, you get two men in a homosexual relationship… uh, wasn’t I arguing that that was an impossibility earlier? Fuck! Um, take away all numbers and you’re just left with man, whereas a woman and a man are two different variables that can’t be added together, whereas the two men or two women can easily combine, proving that heterosexual relationships are impossible and… er… God says you need a man and a woman, so there!

    Also, by that logic, shouldn’t every “straight” relationship include a genderqueer secondary. I mean, if A+B is somehow more morally superior to 2A or 2B, then A+B+C is even more… variably, which totes means something, because reasons. Also, the dropping of numbers means that polyamory tribes are totes the same and should be given the same legal regard as straight relationships as long as there’s a man and a woman somewhere in the pile.

    If you go on the Internet to check whether there is anybody who has used physics to prove gay marriage wrong, you find out there is none. You go to Google or youtube check whether there is anybody that has used chemistry to find same sex marriage wrong, you find out there is none and the same applies to biology and mathematics.

    He may want to prepare for being disappointed. Also, what is with privileged bigots of all stripes thinking their half-thought conjectures are some new unseen thing rather than a tired reiteration of the same old bullshit?

    In general, same sex marriage is evil. It should be stopped by those practicing it. Now they are saying that they will go and adopt a child, the question is that if everybody shows interest in same sex marriage where would the child they are adopting come from?

    Wait… adoption is theft now?

  53. 53
    wondering

    We have never seen where a cock is having sex with a cock and we have never seen where a hen is having sex with another.

    Hmmm I think he will be shocked to know that my hens are constantly coming on to me (ie: squatting in front of me as though I were the sexiest, most dominant rooster alive), a human woman! Not just same sex but different species! Those hens are truly naughty birds.

  54. 54
    Inaji

    Cerberus:

    Also, what is with privileged bigots of all stripes thinking their half-thought conjectures are some new unseen thing rather than a tired reiteration of the same old bullshit?

    They are all geniuses! Yes, unique snowflake geniuses, because on a planet of billions of people, no one else could have the same genius thoughts! Nope. Not ever.

    Wondering:

    Those hens are truly naughty birds.

    They are. When I read that nonsense, my only thought was “dude has never been around chickens.”

  55. 55
    baroncognito

    Because I said so. My math, my rules.

    Well, to be fair, he did say “with Idempotency.” It’s pretty easy to define a group with an operation such that

    The operation is commutative, so A operand B is equivalent to B operand A.
    A operand B is equivalent to C, A operand A is equivalent to A, and B operand B is equivalent to B.

    C operand C would then be equivalent to C ( A operand B operand A operand by commutativity is equivalent to A operand A operand B operand B is equivalent to A operand B is equivalent to C)

    A operand C would then be equivalent to C ( A operand A operand B is equivalent to A operand B is equivalent to C)

    B operand C would be equivalent to C

    This means that since everything operand C is equivalent to C, C is the identity. We can clearly see that there are only three elements in this group. I have no idea how we’d assume that this group had anything to show about human behaviour. I mean, this is math, not *shudder* applied math.

  56. 56
    baroncognito

    Damn. Replace every instance of “Operand” with “operator” please. I really should have just picked a symbol.

  57. 57
    Paul S

    @15
    A fine idea, but they already tried in Italy. Love and Energy: Pasquale Festa Campanile, 1975. Oh, the early days of cable TV.

    PZ, penguins don’t count, they don’t have fingers.

  58. 58
    maddmatt

    I’d bet Chibuihem Amalaha on top of a woman would have no reaction.

  59. 59
    Forbidden Snowflake

    SCIENTIST SOLVES IS-OUGHT PROBLEM
    PHILOSOPHERS OUTRAGED

  60. 60
    Forbidden Snowflake

    Hmmm… Wikipedia claims lions do have the ghey secks.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animal_sexual_behaviour#Lions

  61. 61
    Charly

    The farce is strong in this one.

    I have never, ever seen such strong instance of Dunning-Kruger effect in my life. And I do, on occasion, work with corporate managers.

    He does fail even elementary-school grade chemistry. Same does not react with same? WTF? And polymers are made how? And what about chemicals that react like acids in some ocasions and like bases in other (like alcohols). Do those mean that geyz are eeeevil, but trans- and/or bi-sexuals are okidoki?

    I really cannot bring myself to believe this is real. I fear it is, but I cannot believe it. Even if I met him in person and he insisted on every single word despite the evidence, some small part of me would still think “this is not real, he must be joking”.

  62. 62
    Big Boppa

    I’ve noticed when I hug my wife that there is a tremendous exothermic reaction that produces big buckets of salt water. Oh, wait, no…I haven’t noticed that.

    Silly. Everyone knows that the production of copious levels of salt water requires vigorous excersize. Now, if only there were a way to combine that with the hugging……

  63. 63
    blbt5

    Proto-Dr. Amalaha must explain why the dipole moment between identical xenon atoms is greater than that between oppositely charged (e.g., sic, “opposite-sex”) hydrogen and chloride ions. Or why solvents of all kinds segregate themselves into like-minded companions (hydrophobic/hydrophilic).

  64. 64
    pianoman, Heathen & Torontophile

    Everyone seems to be forgetting that this guy’s research has been featured on the…Nigerian…Television…Authority.

    Given what I’ve read in Yemmy’s posts, the NTA is probably like Fox News Africa.

  65. 65
    John Kruger

    If you take two identical magnets and flip one over they will attract to each other. Clearly, physics proves the only acceptable sexual position is 69, and only with members of identical sex at that.

  66. 66
    Sastra

    … the argument from analogy has no force at all, and relying on comparing people to magnets, solutions of different pH, or algebraic rules is simply idiotic. The biology used is selective examples backed by a childishly avid adoption of the naturalistic fallacy and the crudest mechanical view of how the brain works.

    Well, you do science your way and let Amalaha and the vast majority of the world do science in their own way. He meant nobody in his in-group has condemned his work: wasn’t talking to you.

    Of course, since he is fantasizing about winning the Nobel his understanding of the peer review process and academic community is apparently as bad as his understanding of science — and almost as bad as his ethics. Magnets on his moral compass don’t work either.

  67. 67
    leskimopie

    Just kinda reminded me of the start of the tube scene from the MST3K movie.

    The handrails are magnetized
    Crow: “And if your hands were metal, that would mean something”

  68. 68
    Rich Woods

    @Nepenthe #15:

    Soooo does this magnetism thingy mean that homosex creates a lot of energy? ‘Cause my Beloved and I volunteer to make out in a generator. For the good of humanity, of course.

    That’s it! We have a solution to peak oil and carbon emissions and renewable energy. All we have to do is shift a sufficient part of the world’s economy over to the production of chocolate and champagne to keep all the, um, generators fuelled!

  69. 69
    OlliP

    A+A=A -> A=0
    Oh noes… Did I just continue on his work?

  70. 70
    Rich Woods

    @dianne #40:

    I reanimated a dead heart in a person once. Does that count?

    Yes. I think the answer has to be yes. It counts a lot.

  71. 71
    Rich Woods

    @OlliP #69:

    Oh noes… Did I just continue on his work?

    Only if you then subtract multiple A’s from each side. Otherwise it wouldn’t support his ignorant preconception.

  72. 72
    Rich Woods

    and even recently my lecturer at the Department of Chemical Engineering, Profesor D.S.Aribuike pointedly told me that I will win Nobel prize one day

    I think Professor Aribuike has an enviable grasp of sarcasm.

  73. 73
    alkisvonidas

    In mathematics he was greater
    Than Tycho Brahe, or Erra Pater:
    For he, by geometric scale,
    Could take the size of pots of ale;
    Resolve, by sines and tangents straight,
    If bread and butter wanted weight;
    And wisely tell that people gay
    Shall never wed, by alchemy.

    (Sorry, Samuel Butler…)

  74. 74
    Inaji

    alkisvonidas:

    In mathematics he was greater
    Than Tycho Brahe, or Erra Pater:
    For he, by geometric scale,
    Could take the size of pots of ale;
    Resolve, by sines and tangents straight,
    If bread and butter wanted weight;
    And wisely tell that people gay
    Shall never wed, by alchemy.

    +7 with a tentacle on top.

  75. 75
    LykeX

    Hmmm… Wikipedia claims lions do have the ghey secks.

    Well, he didn’t see it, so it doesn’t count. That’s called science.

  76. 76
    Thorne

    a man on top of a man will have no reaction.

    Sorry, but no. If a man jumps on top of THIS man there WILL be a reaction! Someone’s getting kicked in the balls!

    A woman on top of a woman will have no reaction

    Wrong again! I will DEFINITELY have a reaction when I see this!

  77. 77
    Howard Bannister

    Thorne @ 76:

    I know exactly what you mean. When women even TOUCH me I get all upset.

    Oh, wait, somehow when recast that along different lines it sounds a little funny. It’s almost like your comment is kind of homophobic in that first half.

    And the second half.

  78. 78
    LykeX

    @Thorne
    This thread isn’t about you, yet you’ve managed to phrase the subject entirely in terms of your own sexuality. That’s neither helpful, funny or interesting.

  79. 79
    Inaji

    Howard Bannister:

    Oh, wait, somehow when recast that along different lines it sounds a little funny. It’s almost like your comment is kind of homophobic in that first half.

    And the second half.

    Yes, I agree.

  80. 80
    Daz: Experiencing A Slight Gravitas Shortfall

    Sorry, but no. If a man jumps on top of THIS man there WILL be a reaction! Someone’s getting kicked in the balls!

    Rape jokes are not cool. Really. Not. Cool.

    Wrong again! I will DEFINITELY have a reaction when I see this!

    Yes, because lesbians only exist so that you can fantasize about them…

  81. 81
    NitricAcid

    Two acids don’t react? Like nitric acid and citric acid, or chloric acid and oxalic acid? Suuuurree….

  82. 82
    timgueguen

    So, how long before he gets a contract to write books for the Ugandan education ministry? Or one of those outfits that produces books for Christian home schoolers in the States?

  83. 83
    Loqi

    This just raises more questions! What’s the pH of, say, a trans woman? Are asexual people neutral? Would injecting myself with a strong acid have an aphrodesiac effect? Would coating my penis in lye cause a mind-blowing orgasm?

  84. 84
    baroncognito

    A+A=A -> A=0
    Well, that depends on how + is defined and how 0 is defined.

    All we really know so far is that A + B = B + A and A + A = 2A = A. That’s really not enough to define a group.

    Except, apparently A + B is not B + A because there’s a ‘change’. Look, if it’s commutative, then there’s no difference between A + B and B + A. You can’t have it both ways guy.

  85. 85
    Richard Smith

    Two arguments against “sexual magnetism”:

    1) Paperclips do not stick to my genitals.
    2) One word to discredit similar “poles” repelling: “docking”…

    Also, I have three cubes of BuckyBalls, and there haven’t been any babies yet.

  86. 86
    blf

    [S]o “originality” is now a synonym for “bug-eating frothing mad” now?

    Dear Mr Dr “bug-eating frothing mad” (with tentacles!) Poopyhead Zed Meyers,

    Yes.

    Sincerely,
       Teh Internets.

  87. 87
    damiki

    You know, I can’t help but notice how widespread his process is — start with a thought (gay=bad) and then selectively find (or make up) evidence that supports that thought.

    The human brain is so good at it that it’s amazing to me that that same brain has come up with this other thought: Thoughts might be wrong, and a method must be devised to protect against that.

    That, to me, is pretty awesome…

  88. 88
    congenital cynic

    Ha! He says that “a bar magnet is a horizontal magnet”. But he clearly hasn’t investigated this deeply enough. Why, only this very afternoon I was in the lab and noted that the bar magnet quickly becomes a vertical magnet when rotated. Bazinga! Nobel to me. But wait, I wasn’t wearing a lab coat at the time, so maybe it doesn’t count?

    But really, magnets are like snails. Total hermaphrodites.

  89. 89
    Duth Olec

    Nobel prize? More like “no Bel Prize, or any prize for that matter”.

  90. 90
    Markita Lynda—threadrupt

    He’s wrong, anyway. Male lions do attempt to mate, which biologists out of embarrassment record as a Big Greeting. See Biological Exuberance:

    An overview of biologists’ discomfort with their own observations of animal homosexuality over 200 years would be truly hilarious if it didn’t reflect a tendency of humans (and only humans) to respond with aggression and hostility to same-sex behavior in our own species. In fact, Bagemihl reports, scientists have sometimes been afraid to report their observations for fear of recrimination from a hidebound (and homophobic) academia. Scientists’ use of anthropomorphizing vocabulary such as insulting, unfortunate, and inappropriate to describe same-sex matings shows a decided lack of objectivity on the part of naturalists.

    There’s a nice review here:

    A female ape wraps her legs around another female, “rubbing her own clitoris against her partner’s while emitting screams of enjoyment.” The researcher explains: It’s a form of greeting behavior. Or reconciliation. Possibly food-exchange behavior. It’s certainly not sex. Not lesbian sex. Not hot lesbian sex.

    Six bighorn rams cluster, rubbing, nuzzling and mounting each other. “Aggressosexual behavior ,” the biologist explains. A way of establishing dominance.

    The book describes homosexual behavior in 450 different species of animals.

  91. 91
    Markita Lynda—threadrupt

    Same-sex mating between birds that look alike is sometimes explained away as a case of mistaken gender, but male ostriches actually have different mating rituals when courting a male vs. courting a female.

  92. 92
    seleukos

    His work on mathematics is incomplete because he didn’t assign values.

    Let the value of man be 4, because it is a square and sturdy number, as are men by immutable nature.
    Let the value of woman be 2, since it is well established by several authoritative religions that a woman is worth half a man.

    Then 4+2=2+4=6

    But wait! A gay man or woman would, by necessity, have an intermediate value, the mean, which is 3.

    So gay marriage is 3+3=6, the same result.

    Hoist with his own petard! :P

  93. 93
    Lyn M: ADM MinTruthiness

    This is so unfair. Now I’m coughing from laughing so hard. I have to get to work, you know!

  94. 94
    sojourner

    Gays are magnetic? With polarity!! Who knew. Now if I could just make everything that is bad for me the same polarity as I am, life would be good. (But I would miss bacon.)

  95. 95
    tigtog

    Rich Woods #72

    and even recently my lecturer at the Department of Chemical Engineering, Profesor D.S.Aribuike pointedly told me that I will win Nobel prize one day

    I think Professor Aribuike has an enviable grasp of sarcasm.

    Indeed. I think he’s not the only professor who just nods soothingly at Chibuihem Amalaha while backing slowly away, which he then interprets as support rather than prudently-polite avoidance. Just look at the “support” he lists:

    At the University of Lagos where I currently study as a student you will find my publication on the notice board there. When you go to the Senate Building of the university you will see the same notice there

    Could the person who put his publications on those notice boards possibly have a name that rhymes with Fibuihem Famalaha? And does that person keep on putting copies of his publication back on those noticeboards every time a University of Lagos official takes it down? That would not at all surprise me.

    I have a professor friend who has seen the work I did and he sent me congratulatory message because of the originality of the work.

    It seems there is more than one professor at the University of Lagos with a fine grasp of sarcasm.

    I have reached other echelons in the science and technology world like Professor V.O. Ife Olunyolo a well-known engineer in Nigeria. He brought the first system engineering known in Sub-Sahara Africa at the University of Lagos. I have given him a copy of my work and he didn’t find it wrong.

    Translation: Professor Olunyolo didn’t reply at all.

    I have never seen anybody who condemned my work.

    Translation: Everybody is kind enough to wait until I’ve left the room before they chuck my work into the bin.

  96. 96
    ck

    Wouldn’t being upset that A+A=2A mean that you shouldn’t have sex with your identical twin or with yourself? I mean, this might be a problem for the Lutece “twins”, but is anyone else going to run into it? It would be foolish to assert that Anne is identical to Anita, or that Allan is completely substitutible for Albert, so that equation would have to be A + A′ = A′ + A

    Oops. Did I accidentally disprove this ludicrous math with itself?

  97. 97
    narciblog

    This story has now made io9.

    People keep talking as if the faculty he works with and/or under view him as some sort of kook and the things they say about him are only said to be sarcastic or not to be mean. That doesn’t appear to be the case. From the io9 article:

    …Dr. Henry Boyo, Department of Physics at UNILAG approved of him. He said: “I have known him (Stanley) for the past five years. He is a very sound guy. He is genuine in terms of his scientific discoveries. He has appeared on NTA and SilverBird televisions where he demonstrated his knowledge of science. When you talk to him, you will know that he understands what he is talking about. He is convincing.

    “He conceptualised the idea of using sciences and mathematics to prove gay marriage wrong and we have worked it here. Some people make claims to religion but he went a step further to use science and mathematics to prove gay marriage wrong. He used my laboratory here (UNILAG) to carry out his researches. He is the originator of the idea, he deserves commendation and we support the idea. You can quote me anywhere, the guy’s concept is germane and it has been scientifically proven to be true.”

  98. 98
    Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls

    He is genuine in terms of his scientific discoveries.

    *snicker* No way Jose….Nothing but bullshit, start to finish….

  99. 99
    narciblog

    *snicker* No way Jose….Nothing but bullshit, start to finish….

    Why do you assume they are not genuine in their praise of him?

  100. 100
    Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls

    Why do you assume they are not genuine in their praise of him?

    That is irrelevant. His science is bullshit from start to finish. What other people think of the fool I don’t care. That is their problem, not science’s.

  101. 101
    What a Maroon, el papa ateo

    I’m not a polymath scientist like him, just a lowly linguist, but I think I can apply his logic. So, just to take an example, in Indo-European languages where there’s still a gender system in place, if you modify a noun with an adjective or article, you have to use, hmm, which gender is it now? The same or different? Regardless of whether it’s feminine, masculine, or (in some languages) neuter? So this proves…. Wait, what is it I was trying to prove?

    Oh, I know, speakers of languages like English and Farsi never have sex.

    Can I have my Nobel now?

  102. 102
    WhiteHatLurker

    Well, there is a Sr. Lecturer Boyo in Physics at Lagos. So something in the stories is correct.

  103. 103
    latsot

    If I looked up these things on Wikipedia would they appear in the same order and almost the same wording as this polymath genius uses? I’m willing to bet quire a lot of money that of course it fucking would.

  104. 104
    Stacy

    @lindsay #22 — Thanks, love The Big Gay Animal Sex Post! Informative and highly entertaining.

  105. 105
    Ichthyic

    the entire screed documented in the OP was just a wordy request by Chibuihem Amalaha.

    He just wants to be a juggalo.

    bar magnets….

    meh, not even worth saying it.

  106. 106
    Ichthyic

    2. You know nothing of the simplest chemistry. You do not pour water on to acid. Bad plan. But do go right ahead and demonstrate your “no reaction”. I’ll watch from over here.

    I’ll go get my Darwin Awards notebook ready.

    seriously, they taught us this on the FIRST DAY of high school chemistry.

  107. 107
    Nick Gotts

    An overview of biologists’ discomfort with their own observations of animal homosexuality over 200 years would be truly hilarious if it didn’t reflect a tendency of humans (and only humans) to respond with aggression and hostility to same-sex behavior in our own species. – Markita Lynda@90, quoting a review.

    See! I always said homophobia is unnatural! And do you see hydrogen atoms acting shocked and disapproving when their fellows link up with each other rather than with chlorine? I think not!

  108. 108
    Ichthyic

    And do you see hydrogen atoms acting shocked and disapproving when their fellows link up with each other rather than with chlorine?

    hey, it takes 2 hydrogen atoms to satisfy one oxygen atom.

    obviously the oxygen atom is female, and the hydrogen atoms are male and…

    *inhales nitrous from balloon*

    …and it takes 2 nitrogen atoms to satisfy an oxygen atom too…. unless

    *inhales again*

    uh… forgot where I was going with that, but I’m sure it was significant enough for a Nobel!

  109. 109
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    Physics: “Penises are magnets, therefore gay bad”

    Chemistry: “Men are acids (from Venus), women are bases (from Mars)… therefore gay bad.”

    Biology: “I’ve never seen a male lion fuck a male lion. Have you? Also, hair follicles stimulate the hypothalamus and cause spermatogenesis. Or something. Therefore gay bad.”

    Maths: “A + B = B + A. However, A + A = A + A. Therefore, gay bad.”

    Have I about got that?

  110. 110
  111. 111
    bortedwards

    While I sympathise Nerd (#100) the problem IS science’s, or at least what must be getting passed of for science at the University of Lagos, and elsewhere. If this schemozle is any indication, what hope do young students trying to learn scientific principals have there? And this is only a nasty extreme of the sort of mis-science, hells it’s not even that, NONscience that is passed off/accepted/substituted to lesser degrees all over the place.
    It’s bad for the consumer, it’s bad for the brand.

    Sorry. Australian here feeling particularly bitter about the state of science in general right now.
    PZ, I hope youre on that (Australia<anti-intelectual PM<no science minister) for an upcoming post.
    I'm literally leaving the country. Before my books get burned..

  112. 112
    Thorne

    Howard Bannister @ #77

    It’s almost like your comment is kind of homophobic in that first half.

    And the second half.

    That was not my intention at all. Not homophobic, but definitely not homosexual, either.

    LykeX @ #78

    That’s neither helpful, funny or interesting.

    I wasn’t trying to be helpful, and I don’t care if it was interesting. I WAS trying to be funny, I thought. Apparently I wasn’t.

    Daz @ #80

    Rape jokes are not cool. Really. Not. Cool.

    It wasn’t intended as a rape joke. In retrostpect, though, I can see how some might interpret it that way. For that I am sorry.

    Yes, because lesbians only exist so that you can fantasize about them…

    And fuck you, too. Nowhere did I say that, or even imply it. Just because something may (or may not) make it into one of my fantasies does NOT mean that I believe they only exist for that reason. And just where in that comment did I say anything about lesbians? Or that I was fantasizing about them? I only said that such a scene would cause a reaction. Please don’t foist your inferences off on me.

    If an attractive woman (so sue me, I’m flagrantly heterosexual) walks down the street I will feel no guilt about admiring her. That does not mean I’m sexualizing her, nor does it mean that I believe her sole purpose in life is to feed my demented mind, nor does it mean that I find her fair game. It simply means that I find her attractive. She is walking in public. I’m allowed to look. And yes, if I so desire, I’m allowed to fantasize. As long as it remains a fantasy, as long as I don’t intrude upon her privacy, there’s no harm.

  113. 113
    Daz: Experiencing A Slight Gravitas Shortfall

    Thorne

    It wasn’t intended as a rape joke. In retrostpect, though, I can see how some might interpret it that way. For that I am sorry.

    Thank you for apologising. Please be aware though, that it was, implicitly, a rape joke. There is no “interpretation” needed.

    Yes, because lesbians only exist so that you can fantasize about them…

    And fuck you, too. Nowhere did I say that, or even imply it.

    No, but your instant and only response was to tell the rest of the world about your fantasy, thus turning it into being all about you.

  114. 114
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    That was not my intention at all. Not homophobic, but definitely not homosexual, either.

    definitely.

    I’m flagrantly heterosexual

    Just look at how manly I am.

  115. 115
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    Let everyone be aware, Thorne is DEFINITELY no homo.

    Because that would be an awful and horrible thing to be.

    And plus, look how manly he is with his flagrant manliness.

  116. 116
    Thorne

    Daz @ #113

    There is no “interpretation” needed.

    Yeah, there is. Nothing I said in either half of that comment mentioned sexuality. Yes, the OP was about virulent homophobia, but I didn’t say anything explicitly sexual in either part of that comment. If a man (or a woman for that matter) jumped on me in the street trying to steal my wallet, there would be a reaction! If I saw two women in a mud wrestling performance, there would be a reaction. If I saw two women, or two men, wrestling in the street, a different reaction. You interpreted my comments as being sexual in nature, a perfectly reasonable interpretation, but an interpretation nonetheless.

    Rev. BigDumbChimp @ #114

    I’m flagrantly heterosexual

    Just look at how manly I am.

    Again, not my intention at all.
    I think I need to work on my material.

  117. 117
    Thorne

    Rev. BigDumbChimp @ #115

    Let everyone be aware, Thorne is DEFINITELY no homo.

    Perfectly true. I am not a homosexual. Is there something wrong with that?

    Because that would be an awful and horrible thing to be.

    I’m sorry you feel that way! There’s truly nothing awful or horrible about being either homosexual or heterosexual. They are both perfectly natural.

    And plus, look how manly he is with his flagrant manliness.

    LOL! Yeah, you really have me pegged there, Rev. If only!

  118. 118
    Kevin, 友好火猫 (Friendly Fire Cat)

    @Thorne:

    I think I need to work on my material.

    I think you do.

    Take a few minutes to read your posts a little bit and see where the fault lies.

    And just a note, interpretation lies in the listener. It takes a lot of understanding to know where one means something different from how it’s said. The best you can do is apologize, clarify, and learn.

  119. 119
    Daz: Experiencing A Slight Gravitas Shortfall

    Yeah, there is. Nothing I said in either half of that comment mentioned sexuality.

    This responding to me pointing out that your “joke” about a person attempting to rape you was, in fact, a rape joke. Where did I say that it was about sexuality? I said it was about rape: and it was.

    Monitor note: Rape jokes are not welcome on this forum.

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