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Jul 15 2013

Where can I get Kaiju chow?

This new, deeply silly movie Pacific Rim actually prompts a good question: How may people does a Kaiju need to eat every day? This is important to know, just in case I ever want to keep a 2500 ton sea monster as a pet.

It turns out to be on the order of a dozen a day, which is disappointing. I don’t flunk that many students — not even close — so I’m going to have to find another source of expendable meaty biomass.

Republicans, maybe? I suppose it depends on whether Kaiju have taste or not.

54 comments

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  1. 1
    Randomfactor

    Are there no religious colleges in your area?

  2. 2
    PZ Myers

    No. There is a community college an hour and a half away, but otherwise I’d have to go 2½ hours to Fargo, or three to Minneapolis.

    We’re also lacking in Pacific Ocean, which is going to make it a challenge to lure one here.

  3. 3
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    Twilight movie showings?

  4. 4
    Dalillama, Schmott Guy

    I think I’d quibble with the author’s calculations. He used a Komodo Dragon as his base for calculating their metabolism, but if they’re related to carnosaurs then he probably should have gone with an ostrich or something.

  5. 5
    davidjanes

    Well considering that the size of the Kaiju might be limited by the body of water in which it lives, perhaps a small one living in Superior would require a lower daily intake?

  6. 6
    unbound

    And here I would have thought you’d bring up the alternative. 1 average human weights about as much a 17 to 18 average cats.

  7. 7
    SallyStrange

    Fraternity houses!

  8. 8
    anuran

    I’m pretty sure the Mazuri and Purina coporations have a nutritionally complete, tasty 20 tonne bags of Kaiju Chow designed by veterinary dieticians

  9. 9
    PZ Myers

    No, I immediately thought of our large feral cat population, but then I decided that if it was doubtful that Kaiju would be able to stomach Republicans, there’s no way that they’d stoop to consuming cats, which are like small furry Tea Party members already.

  10. 10
    keithb

    Ahh, now we know the real reason for all the fisthtank work!

  11. 11
    David Marjanović

    Um. Get Godzilla. He doesn’t eat, he’s powered by radioactivity!

  12. 12
    Kevin Anthoney

    We’re also lacking in Pacific Ocean, which is going to make it a challenge to lure one here.

    Use a sharknado type thing.

  13. 13
    Alverant

    Go to the nearest Apple store! You’ll find enough people there. Whether or not they’re edible is up for debate. But Mac users make nice chew-toys!

  14. 14
    Dalillama, Schmott Guy

    unbound
    The metabolic costs of something that size chasing a cat are greater than the calories contained in one.

  15. 15
    jnorris

    I will not buy a ticket to see Pacific Rim (I will wait for it on TV). But I do recommend the original: Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1993).

  16. 16
    kieran

    how is pacific rim not a rip off of evangelion?

  17. 17
    Dauphni

    I’ve only seen the trailers so far, but somehow, the idea of giant sea aliens and equally huge giant robots beating the crap out of each other is more reminiscent of Neon Genesis Evangelion than Godzilla to me. Especially considering that there’s a multitude of the creatures out there. Several other elements in this film seem similar to NGE as well…

  18. 18
    Dalillama, Schmott Guy

    Kiearan
    because it’s not animated and the robot pilots are grownups?

  19. 19
    Dauphni

    And kieran beat me to it while I was still typing. Sneaky fellow!

  20. 20
    RFW

    Important notice:

    The terms “Republican”, “Rethuglican”, and similar are hereby invalidated, outlawed, and declared terminally unfashionable. The new and improved term to use is Goober, following the lead of the Washington Post.

    “The Goobers in the Senate blocked another presidential appointment today.”

  21. 21
    Alverant

    Well kieran
    1) The pilots aren’t depressed teenagers
    2) There’s no metaplot involving existential questions
    3) It’s self contained
    4) They fight monsters, not abstract “angels”
    5) IT’S FUN and when you leave the theater you’ll feel like you had a good time instead of wanting to kill yourself like NGE does.

  22. 22
    Reginald Selkirk

    The movie has everything I want in a flick—big-ass sea monsters, big-ass robots, and big-ass robots fighting big-ass sea monsters. Pacific Rim is undoubtedly the no-holds-bar-over-the-top-action-flick-who-gives-damn-about-plot-or-character-development-o-yeah-it-has-Ron-Motherf’n-Perlman kind of movie we all need.

    He summed it up pretty well.

  23. 23
    Kevin, 友好火猫 (Friendly Fire Cat)

    My girlfriend wants to see Pacific Rim. I kind of want to see it too for the sheer anime of it…

  24. 24
    sparks

    Referring to Rethuglicunts as Goobers is an insult to Goober.

    As for the cheeseball movie: Enjoy your distractions while ye may.

  25. 25
    Mike

    Republicans would definitely cause food born illness of some sort from all the rot at their core so maybe we can feed it Nickleback and Avril Lavigne fans, they won’t be hard to catch being brain dead and all.

  26. 26
    tso

    it’s an entertaining film. Definitely go see it. Gets right into the thick of things. And the scientists sound like they’re practicing for At the Mountains of Madness. Silly boards covered in numbers and everything.

  27. 27
    Morgan

    @kieran: Because “giant robots vs giant monsters” was around long before Evangelion. Actually, I’d say it much more strongly resembles Getter Robo Go.

    Also, because things are allowed to be inspired by and pay homage to earlier works without being “ripoffs”.

  28. 28
    Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought

    KevinKat,
    And for Idris Elba, of course :)
    I tried to convince my friend to go see the movie with me, but she saw the trailer and didn’t find it interesting. Might go by myself, since I haven’t been to the movies in a while.

    The movie has everything I want in a flick—big-ass sea monsters, big-ass robots, and big-ass robots fighting big-ass sea monsters. Pacific Rim is undoubtedly the no-holds-bar-over-the-top-action-flick-who-gives-damn-about-plot-or-character-development-o-yeah-it-has-Ron-Motherf’n-Perlman kind of movie we all need.

    Sounds good, actually.

  29. 29
    kieran

    It was my first reaction to it when I saw a trailer in the cinema, I initially thought it was a live action version and then went looking to discover it was not. Just curious what others thought.

  30. 30
    Jerry

    If Kaiju are anything like sharks, then their dietary selection is heavily biased towards fat content (caloric density), not flavor or health. I think the GOP/TP base will be in demand by the monster set. Just tell them it’s their patriotic duty to defend against an alien incursion. Excuse me, wrong dialect, “It’s an invashun by them dam furriners, bring yer weppins”… Though if history is any guide, most of them will immediately file for deferments and call for government assistance.

  31. 31
    myeck waters

    Torchwood fans may get a kick out of seeing Burn Gorman in a featured role.
     
    I enjoyed the heck out of Pacific Rim. It’s definitely an homage, not a ripoff, of the huge-monsters-attacking and the huge-robots-fighting-huge-monsters genres. Some of the the kaiju in particular were clearly influenced by monsters from the old Gamera films.
     
    Del Toro really loves those movies. Rather than insulting them and not taking them seriously, he tried to take the things he loved about them when he was a kid and make a movie an adult could enjoy, with a quality of effects not available in the 1960s.
     
    Mind you, I’ve got bootleg DVDs of the old Space Giants TV show…

  32. 32
    Sili

    so I’m going to have to find another source of expendable meaty biomass.

    Haven’t you just told us how many churches are in your neighbourhood?

  33. 33
    The Vicar (via Freethoughtblogs)

    Re: Minnesota not being on the Pacific coast:

    Cheer up, PZ — not all kaiju are necessarily from the sea. Maybe the supervolcano under Yellowstone will cough up a monster or two, and that would cut the distance down. Or there could be one of the comparatively rare midwest earthquakes to open up a fissure. And who knows what lives in the Great Lakes?

    As for the Apple Store: frankly, I’d think corporate IT departments would be ideal kaiju chow, and they’re all Windows users. I’d recommend Linux devs, but everyone knows they never bathe.

  34. 34
    Moggie

    Hey, I’ve worked in universities: there are always people who you don’t need. Usually they’re the ones with the nicer offices.

  35. 35
    aziraphale

    “2500 tons = 2,267,961,850 grams”

    That’s pathetic. When will you start using metric tons like reasonable people?

  36. 36
    Muz

    I guess PZ is hoping the somewhat scaled down knock off by Asylum films will be Great Lake Shore or some such.
    I want to see bit players from Fargo lengthily describe how rude the kaiju are, inbetween commenting on the weather.

  37. 37
    Denverly

    You had me at Ron Perlman.

  38. 38
    kyoseki

    I saw it last night.

    As long as you go in expecting a movie about giant robots fighting giant monsters, it’s good fun.

    … just don’t think about it too much, or, in fact, at all, if I’m perfectly honest.

  39. 39
    Kagato

    I guess PZ is hoping the somewhat scaled down knock off by Asylum films will be Great Lake Shore or some such.

    Sounds good, but unfortunately they’ve already got one: Atlantic Rim, of course. (Though it’s since been renamed to the less infringey but also totally forgettable “Attack from Beneath”.)

  40. 40
    chigau (違う)

    I read the Pffft article.
    I can’t wait to see this movie!

  41. 41
    rowanvt

    I saw it last night and spent most of the movie trying to stifle squeals of glee. It makes absolutely no sense biologically, physically, or scientifically, but it doesn’t need to and it doesn’t try to explain it. It just “is” and so it’s easier to accept.

    Besides… Giant robots punching giant monsters to death with excellent special effects. It’s perfect.

  42. 42
    Nick Gotts

    Well, last night I saw Wikileaks, which has a much more impressive clash of monsters: the US governmental machine versus an antipodean ego of gargantuan proportions!

  43. 43
    Amy Cocks

    If it goes anything like Leatherback Turtles, then those gigantic, great things probably only really eat a f**k-ton of Jellyfish. Their normal eating habits have been disrupted, possibly by overfishing, more likely, after an invasive species, first discovered in the Cayman Trough, were taught empathy by Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio and Ed Harris and decided not to invade Earth after all.

  44. 44
    Kevin, 友好火猫 (Friendly Fire Cat)

    @Kyoseki and RowanVT:

    Okay yes I’m totally seeing this.

    Giant robots fighting giant monsters… what could go wrong?

  45. 45
    killyosaur

    I’m definitely going to go see this when I get the chance. I am a huge Guillermo del Toro fan, and this flick looks pretty damn awesome.

  46. 46
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    Honestly, I will see anything that Guillermo del Toro is involved in. Hell, I read the entire Strain trilogy*, even though it wasn’t very good (and the ending was a WTF of epic proportions. I’m talking about Indiana Jones ducks into a refrigerator level of whatthefuckness).

    Part of the reason why I love del Toro is because at a time when everyone in Hollywood was green screening the shit out of their special effects, he was using puppets and prosthetics and minitures. Say what you will about the Hellboy movies (and I have considerable beef with them), they are some of the most visually appealing movies that have been made in recent memory.

    *I ♥ Chuck Hogan, too.

  47. 47
    Rich Woods

    Pacific Rim? Atlantic Rim? I worry about what they’re going to call the porno version.

  48. 48
    Stardrake

    Those who haven’t seen it yet–

    Stay through at least the first part of the credits. You will be rewarded.

  49. 49
    Craig McClain

    I assumed when the American stated 2,500 tons in the movie they were not using metric tons. Of course the difference between here in grams between the two would significantly change the output, i.e. maybe it would had a half of human.

    Thanks PZ for linking to the article.

  50. 50
    Craig McClain

    I see I messed up the blockquotes on my prior comment

  51. 51
    David Marjanović

    the old Gamera films

    “The concept of Giant Monster Gamera, the first Gamera movie, is that Gamera is a giant monster.”

    “Being a giant monster, Gamera is instinctively drawn to Tokyo, Japan.”

    – from the review

  52. 52
    myeck waters

    Dammit, David! I was taking a break from work and now you’ve handed me a whole website full of articles about old giant monster movies! *sigh* There goes the whole day…

  53. 53
    Stardrake

    “Gamera is really neat!
    He is full of turtle meat,
    We’re all eating Ga-mer-aaaaa!”

  54. 54
    David Marjanović

    That’s Ga-me-raaaaa of course.

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