Quantcast

«

»

Jul 11 2013

Atheist agenda exposed at last

It’s always a boost to the self-esteem to hear how super-powerful-scary-awesome atheists are becoming. We have, apparently, been taking over the government, despite it being almost impossible to get an atheist elected to office.

Yet another theory that has been gaining traction and deserves serious consideration is that America’s massive science-industrial complex is attempting a most dangerous experiment. Since Lyndon Johnson’s presidency, we have seen a grave movement towards science-based strategic thinking in all forms of national policy. Whole swathes of government have been taken over by academic PhDs with an intense obsession with scientism. From the National Science Board to the Department of Education, from NASA to the National Institute of Standards, a powerful cadre of elite intellectuals is seizing control. A common thread amongst these activist bureaucrats is a love of science over God.

Fuck yeah, man, we have the National Institute of Standards!

You may be asking yourself what we’re doing with this immense power. It was a secret, but this site has seen through to the awful truth and exposed us all. You know about the usual agenda:

President George W. Bush famously fought against the scientists entrenched in his administration. At many points they promoted evolution “theory” and “global warming” over good old-fashioned common sense. They tried to uproot Christianity in our schools through activist judges. And while President Bush fought the good fight, he ultimately did not win the battle. The long line of anti-theists ruling the inner halls of power since Lyndon Johnson remained in control.

Evolution and global warming are just the obvious distractions. Red herrings. Devious ploys to keep your eyes off the real assault by atheists on the American way of life.

That top secret mission, now revealed, is…chemtrails. We atheists are sending planes into the sky to spray a slimy haze all around the planet.

The American public has never quite grasped the purpose of all this spraying. Officials in the Obama administration have long refused to even talk about these efforts, though some have suggested that super spy Edward Snowden may leak details of this widespread project if forced against the wall by the international community. As we have seen with other government programs, the ultimate result here is not likely to be a beneficial one.

In various online communities there has been vigorous debate about what chemtrails actually mean. Some believe they spread barium as a highly-sensitive electromagnetic missile defense system. Others postulate they contain compounds that attack our blood cells and ultimately reduce populations, much like the fluoridation of our water supplies. The rise in disease and other unexplained medical phenomena does strangely coincide with the popularization of chemtrails.

Now you are asking, why would atheists be interested in hosing chemicals into the sky? You’re probably an atheist yourself, so you may find this difficult to grasp, but the goal is to poison all the angels.

Get the t-shirt!

Get the t-shirt!

So what is at the heart of this secret society of globalist atheism? One of their most significant concerns is the power of Faith. They despise the Glory of Jesus and the hope that He brings to countless Americans. The atheists are so insanely dedicated to their obscene cult they will try just about anything to destroy every remnant of Christian Love on this earth. As this sickening obsession was wed to advances in aerial spraying technology in the last century, one can surmise the evil compound that resulted. In this formula, it seems quite logical that the atheist’s next step would be to attempt the widespread murder of Jesus’s very Heavenly Agents of Love.

Angels. They are much more than a Christian bedtime story. They are much more than the sweet flutterings in the ears of believers. Angels are quite literally the factory workers of faith. They are tireless and everywhere. They accomplish innumerable feats, from minor pangs of guilt to the throbbing passions of love. The angels are there to guide us, to inspire us and, ultimately, to remind us of our obligation to Jesus. The fly through the air at His beckoning. They are gentle and ever willing. We would be far less human and humane were it not for the angels. And that is exactly why atheists fear the power of angels.

Atheists shake with contempt at the thought of love and decency. Their whole lives are dedicated to nothingness, to the gaping void of pain that nihilism defines. Indeed, atheists love pain. They love pain in their sexual rituals, in their drug addictions and in their secret globalist power schemes. Why do we have war? It’s the atheists who spread contempt of God and invite such reckless notions of communism and Islam.

Will Atheistic Science Annihilate Love and Prayer?

As secret atheist scientists in government pursue their goals of undermining Jesus in America, it only stands to reason that they would take their battle to the skies. The aerial dogfight is likely a vicious one. Who knows what advances they have made since the days of DDT and Agent Orange. Yet fight on they do, every single day! Our heavens are coated in a thick aerosol haze of spiritual hate and this nation’s faith is sinking.

I know some of you are going to browse that site and suggest that it’s a poe — that Hard Dawn is satirizing the far right wing. But think about it: that’s exactly what they want you to believe. And doesn’t that explanation make a heck of a lot of sense?

77 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. 1
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    WOOHOOO Chemtrails!!

    One of may favorite batshit conspiracy theories.

    Wait…. hold on

    Chemtrails poisoning Angels?

  2. 2
    David Marjanović

    I know some of you are going to browse that site and suggest that it’s a poe — that Hard Dawn is satirizing the far right wing. But think about it: that’s exactly what they want you to believe. And doesn’t that explanation make a heck of a lot of sense?

    …That’s so funny, I can’t even laugh anymore.

    Off to my secret underground lab under the University of Bielefeld.

  3. 3
    Glen Davidson

    I thought we were spreading angel germs. Seems much safer, since they’re a different life form.

    Does look like a parody, in fact.

    Glen Davidson

  4. 4
    paulrinzler

    I know this comment is obvious, but of all the messed up stuff I have ever heard, that stuff is seriously, deeply, profoundly messed up.

  5. 5
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    Other interesting titles at Harddawn

    How Should I Punish My Son for Masturbating?

    Does My Cat Really Love Me?

    “Fapping,” The Newest Internet Fad That Could Be Putting Your Teens at Risk

    How Much Masturbation?

    Is Sex Without a Condom Free Speech?

  6. 6
    unbound

    The author of that is supposedly an award winning journalist as well as a “Motivational Children’s Party Entertainer”. With credentials like that, I don’t know how you can really argue with him…

  7. 7
    paulrinzler

    OK, another article at that web site, “Lesbian Wing of the Illuminati Seizes Control of the NFL,” moves it over to parody. Which sounds a lot like my favorite tabloid headline, “Elvis Reveals Secret UFO Diet.”

  8. 8
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    Yeah it’s parody, but there is some good shit in there.

    I can’t wait to find out the answer to

    Can My Baby Get Pregnant if I Have Sex When I’m Pregnant?

  9. 9
    sbuh

    If you’re trying to poison angels, wouldn’t it be cheaper to dip the head of a pin in bleach?

  10. 10
    john

    It took me so long to figure out how to log in I forgot what I was going to say. WordPress doesn’t work for me, and the error message is not helpful. “You need to share your email address when prompted. Try again” or something. I had to use my old facebook account. Ick.

    Anyway, Hard Dawn seems to be improving. I used to rate it a “meh.” But today I fond this gem:

    Historians have concluded that the theory’s author, Charles Darwin, was a cocaine-addicted fraud who sought to pay off his gambling debts by selling fantasy tales. Darwin was also a European elitist who often abandoned his family to spend time on exotic islands around the world where native women went topless and consumed intoxicating spirits. Yet despite the mountains of evidence, radical atheists have adopted this queer idea as their very own.

  11. 11
    unbound

    Digging around a bit, I’m pretty sure this is a parody site. Apparently the author has been involved in other parody sites (like Christwire).

  12. 12
    Sili

    Why would we bother to poison angels? Haven’t NASA already taken out God himself?

  13. 13
    Jackie

    “Atheists shake with contempt at the thought of love and decency.”

    New meme suggestion: The Atheist Shake.
    *Puts a kitten on her head*
    Con los terroristas!

  14. 14
  15. 15
    evilDoug

    Somehow an site named hard-on, with several articles on wanking, does rather suggest parody.

  16. 16
    David Marjanović

    “Fapping,” The Newest Internet Fad That Could Be Putting Your Teens at Risk

    Now I’m laughing!

  17. 17
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    Can My Baby Get Pregnant if I Have Sex When I’m Pregnant?

    Oh shit, son!

    I should have thought of that when I was pregnant!*

    *Pretty sure that was directly lifted from Yahoo! Answers. Oh wait, it was.

  18. 18
    richardelguru

    From the article:

    “…the throbbing passions of love…”

    I say, Sir, there are ladies present!

  19. 19
    Marcus Ranum

    poison all the angels.

    Of course. Illegal immigrant angels must die.

  20. 20
    Daz: Experiencing A Slight Gravitas Shortfall

    Until you have been informed that our chemical-erosion plan has succeeded, please remember this simple but important advice:

    DON’T BLINK

  21. 21
    otranreg

    They accomplish innumerable feats, from minor pangs of guilt to the throbbing passions of love.

    Could they expand on the angel technique of maintaining erections? It’s not about constantly banging tallywackers with euphemisms and double entendres, is it? Throbbing passions my arse.

  22. 22
    drksky

    I haven’t read it yet, but “Dorito Danger: How Mexican-Style Snack Chips Are Threatening America’s Borders” has some serious lulz possibilities.

  23. 23
    scooterskutre

    I’m all for a faith based space exploration branch of NASA. I have a list of brave Christian astronauts to suggest as well.

  24. 24
    scooterskutre

    OH shit, I just got the Hard Dawn pun!!
    I’m getting senile.

  25. 25
    John Kruger

    I burst into laughter as soon as I read “America’s massive science-industrial complex”.

    I know I always shake with rage and try to poison entities that I do not think exist. Doesn’t everyone?

    It is amazing parody. I wonder how I am now going to extract myself from the black hole of crazy ignorance this tightly packed super dense article has manifested.

  26. 26
    drksky

    Ok, “Dorito Danger” puts it over the top as a parody site. So disappointing, too. I always love me a good, legitimate, chemtrail conspiracy.

  27. 27
    Scr... Archivist

    Have none of you said aloud the name of the website? Try it faster.

    Then try it faster while looking at the shiny, ripped guy with the strategically-placed machine-gun, just above the link to the “Homosexual Agenda”.

    Checking out their “Crucial Mission” post, I see a familiar icon. In the right-hand column of “Recent Comments”, and in other places where comments accrue, the commenter’s avatar is almost always that headless suit used by Anonymous.

    Edgar’s been at the keyboard again.

  28. 28
    Tony! The Queer Shoop

    Wait, so we don’t hate god anymore, just angels?

  29. 29
    Cal

    Definitely parody, but also, awesome! Reading the articles under the “homosexual agenda” tab had me laughing hysterically!

  30. 30
    David Marjanović

    We hate everyone!

  31. 31
    A Hermit

    Scientists running NASA!!1!!! What is the world coming to!

  32. 32
    Chie Satonaka

    And at the bottom of the page, they give a vague date for the end of the world:

    © HARD DAWN MINISTRIES AND THE MORNING IN AMERICA PROJECT, 2013-202?

    This website is awesome.

  33. 33
    sc_9e6bce425f684122970c5c20714582da

    Check the author Dr. Stephenson Billings, also writes for ChristWire..
    He or they or it, Tripped up Rachel Maddow.

    http://www.theatlanticwire.com/entertainment/2011/02/rachel-maddow-and-nbc-struggle-with-satire/21285/

    Way too awesome not to be a fake.

  34. 34
    James

    @paulrinzler #7, Best tabloid headlines here in the UK were undoubtedly
    1) “World war two bomber fond on moon”
    followed the next week by
    2) “World war two bomber found on moon disappears”

  35. 35
    stwriley

    Forget the seizing public agencies stuff, we took care of that long ago.

    “Sexual rituals”? We have sexual rituals?!?

    I thought you were supposed to be in charge of this movement PZ, yet I seem never to have gotten my invitations. And you could have had one of the spray planes drop it off by parachute when they do their fly-over.

    Now let’s get on the ball and make sure those rituals come off as planned. Seriously…how are we supposed to keep those angels properly poisoned if everybody’s not taking part in the painful sexual rituals?

  36. 36
    Sili

    OH shit, I just got the Hard Dawn pun!!
    I’m getting senile.

    Not all of us have the COT/CAUGHT merger.

  37. 37
    george gonzalez

    Forget the chemtrails, if I were an angel, I’d be scared of all those jet engines that could suck me up, bat me around, and fricassee my angel self in a sec.

    Even those older prop planes could really do a number on us angels.

    So it goes all the way back to Orville and Wilbur! They must have been atheistic democrats!

  38. 38
    Freodin

    Poe or not… I just couldn’t stop laughing.

    This was awesome!

    Fear the power of atheistic chemtrails keeping the angels from spreading love!

  39. 39
    haitied

    You know. . . Real or not, I’m all for spraying airborne anti-angel agents into the atmosphere. So long as they’re proven to be effective :p

  40. 40
    peggin

    @ 20 – Daz

    Until you have been informed that our chemical-erosion plan has succeeded, please remember this simple but important advice:

    DON’T BLINK

    I think poisoning the angels is a great idea. If those suckers get their hands on us, they’ll send us back in time and steal our lives!

  41. 41
    Rip Steakface

    It seems, according to this lovely satire, that the True Christian ™ believes that atheists are actually worshipers of Slaanesh from Warhammer 40,000. Obsession with pain, chemicals and pleasure? Yep, sounds like it. Hail the Dark Prince of Pleasure!

  42. 42
    Chie Satonaka

    OH shit, I just got the Hard Dawn pun!!
    I’m getting senile.

    And also check out the banner image with “gun as an erect penis.”

  43. 43
    changerofbits

    Does this mean I get my own iron chariot to fight the minions of heaven? I could pee off the side of it to create my own chemtrail.

  44. 44
    Ogvorbis: Still failing at being human.

    Obsession with pain, chemicals and pleasure?

    I am an atheist. I am frequently in pain (knee). When I am in pain, I become obsessed with that pain. I treat the pain with chemicals. Which makes me happy.

    It works.

  45. 45
    David Marjanović

    Not all of us have the COT/CAUGHT merger.

    I say we take awf and nuke the entire site frahm orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

    (Within “5. The Midland”, there’s a line that separates “‘on’ rhymes with ‘Don’” in the north from “‘on’ rhymes with ‘Dawn’” in the south. Keep in mind that Florida is upside-down, it gets more northern the farther south you go.)

  46. 46
    blf

    The mildly deranged penguin thought this was an implementation of her idea: Cheesetrails. Problem is getting cheese up to the Orbiting Cheese Vault (sometimes called the moon) can be difficult. So spray the cheese into the air, she reasoned, and Orbiting Cheese Vault could scoop it up and keep it safe.

    Main problem with the prototype was the bloody angels are too stoopid to get out of the way of a sixty megazillion ton cheese scoop, and kept gumming up the intakes.

  47. 47
    astro

    Others postulate they contain compounds that attack our blood cells and ultimately reduce populations, much like the fluoridation of our water supplies.

    it always comes down to our precious bodily fluids, doesn’t it?

  48. 48
    Sili

    Speaking of Midland until very, very recently I thought a Midatlantic dialect was supposed to refer to a sorta standardised English mixing AmE and BrE – the sorta thing one would speak midway between the two countries.

  49. 49
    frankb

    I just remembered that sperm counts are decreasing in our society. AAHH, Chemtrails!

  50. 50
    Naked Bunny with a Whip

    I was all in favor of the angel poison until my car started getting dents from the falling corpses.

  51. 51
    Thomathy, Such A 'Mo

    From the Harddawn article on “Fapping”:

    “Fapping” is a phrase that was coined on the illegal Chinese website 4-chan (meant to sound phonetically like an Asian pronouncing “Fortune”).

    Oh goodness. I could write an essay on why that bit of parody of ignorant bigoted thinking is so spot on. In the meantime, I’ll need new pants and a new monitor.

    Not incidentally, that article is hilarious.

  52. 52
    DLC

    Somehow I can hear the voice of The Brain saying “Yes! Yes! Pinky! my Plan’s working!”

    /Narf

  53. 53
    twas brillig (stevem)

    re OP:

    At many points they promoted evolution “theory” and “global warming” over good old-fashioned common sense.

    Who was it, who told us, “‘common sense’ is neither”?
    I accept the blockquote is from a parody site. My question is just a reminder.

  54. 54
    Gregory Greenwood

    That was hilarious – a spot on parody of the completely irrational and disjointed way that the more ranty brand of fundie thinks.

    ———————————————————————————————————————-

    stwriley @ 35

    “Sexual rituals”? We have sexual rituals?!?

    I thought you were supposed to be in charge of this movement PZ, yet I seem never to have gotten my invitations. And you could have had one of the spray planes drop it off by parachute when they do their fly-over.

    I hear you – this is completely unacceptable!

    Darn it, why do I always have to hear about this stuff from the fundies? How can I call myself an atheist without any properly depraved bachanallian orgies? You’ll be telling me you have regular baby barbecues next, and my invitation just got lost in the post… *grumble*

    ;-P

    ———————————————————————————————————————

    Rip Steakface @ 41;

    It seems, according to this lovely satire, that the True Christian ™ believes that atheists are actually worshipers of Slaanesh from Warhammer 40,000. Obsession with pain, chemicals and pleasure? Yep, sounds like it. Hail the Dark Prince of Pleasure!

    Yup, we are apparently pretty much either outright Slannesh Cultists or at the very least pre-Fall Eldar so far as many xians are concerned. On the subject of 40K, it always tickles me to imagine how disturbing most xians would find the whole idea of a hemaphroditic god that can (and frequently does) appear as male, female, or with attributes of both, at will. Anything outside a strict, simplistic and limiting gender binary, even in fiction, makes them go rather green about the gills very quickly indeed.

  55. 55
    Randomfactor

    Chemtrails are the CAUSE of Global Warming. That’s why they must continue…

  56. 56
    tomfrog

    (john, #10)

    On the same article about Darwin, there’s also this, which is awesome:

    As [link to their own website]one report[/link] recently noted, leftwing activists have even perverted the basic logic of math to support their agenda!

  57. 57
    shawnthesheep

    As an atheist and a member of the gay mafia, there is no end to my power. Bow before me puny christians.

  58. 58
    David Accipiter

    I wish someone had told me I was a member of an all powerful cabel that could be a threat to gods & angels.
    Since I seem to be a member of one: Why the hell can’t I get Google fibre to the house? Or better yet my own private, multihomed OC-3 line for $50/month?

  59. 59
    smhll

    Despise the glory of Jesus? I don’t even notice it!

  60. 60
    Rutee Katreya

    Oh, so that’s what a Chemtrail is supposed ot be. It’d been bugging me as a vague conspiracy, but not one I’d seen expounded on.

  61. 61
    psanity

    We seem to have broken their website (exceeded resources). I haz disappoint.

    Satire is the French Resistance of American culture. It’s the best weapon we have.

  62. 62
    Jackie

    Shawnthesheep,

    I tremble before the might of the Mauve Hand.

    Also, I love your handle. Shawn the sheep is one of my favorite cartoons.

  63. 63
    Marcus Ranum

    Satire is the French Resistance of American culture.

    We are so fucked.

  64. 64
    mikel

    Don’t poison angels, it ruins the flavor of the meat.

  65. 65
    Ichthyic

    original article is now password protected?

    damn scientists, keep the truth from us yet again!

    oh wait, it’s just me, I wasn’t invited to the mad scientist meet again, was I?

  66. 66
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    They love pain in their sexual rituals, in their drug addictions and in their secret globalist power schemes.

    As a fully paid-up member of the Evil Atheist New World Order, I am highly insulted that I have never been invited to one of these sexual rituals. Do you only get to join in once you reach level thirty, or something?

  67. 67
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    Original article is now passworded :( Now I haz a sad.

  68. 68
    rq

    This country’s Minister of Defence was recently asked a serious question in a serious interview about chemtrails and what they’re doing to us, and why they even appear in the sky, and is it some plot to weaken us all…
    His reply was to avoid the ridiculous and brushing the question off with a “that’s not my area of expertise and people will always find something to be scared of on the internet” kind of reply.
    Still… I didn’t know it was a bigger thing than that. :/

  69. 69
    Russell Glasser

    The entire site is passworded.

  70. 70
    Ray, rude-ass yankee (now in HD-3D!)

    haitied@39

    You know. . . Real or not, I’m all for spraying airborne anti-angel agents into the atmosphere. So long as they’re proven to be effective :p

    Of course it’s effective, have you seen any angels around lately?

  71. 71
    azpaul3

    The whole site is now under password.

    Hail the SquidMaster’s awesome power! His tentacled reach knows no bounds!

  72. 72
    blf

    Dear NSA,

    What is the password, please ?

  73. 73
    playonwords

    Will f’n wordpress get their password system sorted. I can log on here to reply but nowhere else

  74. 74
    David Marjanović

    Speaking of Midland until very, very recently I thought a Midatlantic dialect was supposed to refer to a sorta standardised English mixing AmE and BrE – the sorta thing one would speak midway between the two countries.

    That’s a “transatlantic accent”, found in early/mid-20th-century films.

  75. 75
    blf

    Midatlantic dialect [is] the sorta thing one would speak midway between the two countries.

    Glugh glugh glurrgle GLUGH!

    Translations vary, although it seems to have something to due with hovercrafts and eels.

  76. 76
    Monsanto

    Thanks for the great information. I recently wrote about a different aspect of chemtrails on my blog, but didn’t realize that they could be used against angels. This is a real eye-opener! It’s made me rethink the New World Order and Illuminati. The only reasonable explanation must be that they are run by atheistic scientists.

  77. 77
    margieredmon

    But what about all of MY gods? Why are the theists leaving MY gods out? So unfair!

Comments have been disabled.