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There is hope for my great-great-great-grandchildren yet

Yes! I knew it! I, for one, welcome our proud molluscan future.

In a breakthrough study that researchers say adds important insight into the evolution of Homo sapiens, scientists at the University of Michigan confirmed Thursday that human beings are slowly evolving into mollusks. “Evidence shows that modern humans emerged on the evolutionary timeline about 200,000 years ago, developed into the highly evolved hominids of today, and are now transforming into soft-bodied invertebrates,” said the study’s lead author Dr. Mitch Keneally, adding humans have already started turning into snails, slugs, and octopi, evidenced by their increasingly amorphous figures. “Over the next 1,000 years, we’re going to see people developing gills, a hard protective shell around their torsos, and a large, muscular foot in their dorsal region that will help with locomotion and mucus secretion. The world is changing rapidly, and those who can’t filter seawater aren’t going to be able to survive.”

Once we have a large muscular foot, the next step is subdividing it into tentacles … I know you all laughed mockingly at my fascination with the fierce many-armed denizens of the deep, but your laughter will cease when my descendants drag you down in their embrace, their beaks gnashing, their hooked suckers rending your flesh.

By the way, that global warming stuff? All part of the plan. All we have to do is raise the sea level about 400 meters, and Morris, Minnesota will once again be under a delightful shallow sea.

Comments

  1. ajb47 says

    My line is heading for scallop, I think.

    It’s true, however, that some homo sapiens have been shown to be lacking a spine already. {cough}Politicians{cough}

  2. AussieMike says

    But people will find a large mucus secreting muscular foot disgusting and gross. On the other hand (or foot) can I start practising now by covering myself in Vaseline, laying on the floor and pretending I’m a slug?

  3. OptimalCynic says

    By the way, that global warming stuff? All part of the plan. All we have to do is raise the sea level about 400 meters, and Morris, Minnesota will once again be under a delightful shallow sea.

    You realise that Andrew Bolt will quote (most of) that as evidence that “glowball warmenists predict stupidly* high sea level rises” and therefore conclude that the whole idea is crap?

    * if the time period is restricted to six months from now

  4. The Mellow Monkey says

    On the other hand (or foot) can I start practising now by covering myself in Vaseline, laying on the floor and pretending I’m a slug?

    Yes, but remember that Saturday is still reserved for carefully rolling yourself up in a blanket and pretending to be a butterfly pupa.

  5. Banecroft says

    This has to be the silliest shit I have read today… Sadly, that is saying a lot.

  6. Banecroft says

    I like how wrong these people are. OBVIOUSLY, we’re evolving into Kevin Costner from Water World. It also won’t take 1000 years. Though, as we all know, that is the amount of time it takes for drastic changes in a species to occur. It will, instead, happen within 30 days. How do I know this? Because The Book of Revelation probably said something about it if I bothered to read it. Plus, Jesus. Also, my medium said my dead uncle told me that shit was “a changin’ fast” and I should “become comfortable in water.”

    Now, you can all laugh if you want, but my psychic medium knows a lot because he runs a 1-900-number-psychic hotline. I know you are all scared of the truth, but trust me when I say that we are all heading into a spineless and squishy future and only JESUS can give us our spines back. YOU have been WARNED…

  7. HappyHead says

    Speaking of rising sea levels, here’s a cool toy I found that simulates the coastline when you input various sea level increases/decreases from the present level:

    http://merkel.zoneo.net/Topo/Applet/

    It’s a Java applet, so if you don’t have that set up and installed, you won’t be able to run it, but if you do, it’s a lot of fun seeing just how much water is needed to drown your own particular home. There’s a “Global” map, and a few zoomed in locations as well.

  8. fmitchell says

    Davros was right!

    Once our mollusc descendents develops heavily armed and armored travel machines, they will be the SUPREME BEINGS IN THE UNIVERSE!

  9. sqlrob says

    If humans are going to evolve into octopi, why are there still octopi?

    Checkmate athiests!

  10. terrencekaye says

    None of this so-called “science” disproves The Flying Spaghetti Monster, whose eternal plan is unfolding toward the new millenium of linguini and clam sauce.

  11. omnicrom says

    Cool. I figure having an extra arm will be a real evolutionary advantage when it comes to using the computer, I could type and use the mouse at the same time!

  12. says

    Can we just skip to the tentacles? I’m all cool with the Doc Oct look but having good a large muscular ooze secreting foot on your back has to be the worst super power since Jubilee.

  13. cicely says

    This, even as it is becoming obvious that octopuses are accustoming themselves to ‘podding on dry land, suggests a that there will soon come a day when we and our sea-born kindred will ooze, tentacle-in-tentacle, into a Brave New Amphibious Future.
    -

  14. David Marjanović says

    Some people here seem not to have moused over the link.

    The article is from The Onion!

  15. Rich Woods says

    Raising the sea level by 400 metres may be good enough to give you the shallow sea you yearn for, PZ, but for me that would be a thousand feet of brain-crushing pressure. And my flush toilet would no longer work.

  16. Sili says

    I thinking I’m heading more in the direction of sea anemone. I even have symbiots.