Yes! I knew it! I, for one, welcome our proud molluscan future.
In a breakthrough study that researchers say adds important insight into the evolution of Homo sapiens, scientists at the University of Michigan confirmed Thursday that human beings are slowly evolving into mollusks. “Evidence shows that modern humans emerged on the evolutionary timeline about 200,000 years ago, developed into the highly evolved hominids of today, and are now transforming into soft-bodied invertebrates,” said the study’s lead author Dr. Mitch Keneally, adding humans have already started turning into snails, slugs, and octopi, evidenced by their increasingly amorphous figures. “Over the next 1,000 years, we’re going to see people developing gills, a hard protective shell around their torsos, and a large, muscular foot in their dorsal region that will help with locomotion and mucus secretion. The world is changing rapidly, and those who can’t filter seawater aren’t going to be able to survive.”
Once we have a large muscular foot, the next step is subdividing it into tentacles … I know you all laughed mockingly at my fascination with the fierce many-armed denizens of the deep, but your laughter will cease when my descendants drag you down in their embrace, their beaks gnashing, their hooked suckers rending your flesh.
By the way, that global warming stuff? All part of the plan. All we have to do is raise the sea level about 400 meters, and Morris, Minnesota will once again be under a delightful shallow sea.