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Jun 11 2013

Moms as an agent of change

I like this story. Stupid dude named Trevor sends unsolicited crotch shots to a woman he just met on the internet; she responds by forwarding the photo and his abusive comments to his mother. Do you think she grabbed him by the ear and wagged her finger in his face?

I’m all for more mothers shaming these naughty little boys!

34 comments

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  1. 1
    quidam

    What makes you think his mom wouldn’t be supportive of him and against the slut that didn’t understand her baby who was only trying to be friendly?

    Being a mom doesn’t automatically make you smarter or more socially aware than anyone else. Phyllis Schafly is a mom and Anne Coulter has the necessary parts to be one

  2. 2
    Inaji

    Good for her. Let’s hope Trevor’s mom has a good deal to say about this appalling behaviour. It’s beyond creepy for a man to send an unsolicited crotch shot. While Trevor is obviously terribly impressed with his penis, he needs to figure out it’s not all that to anyone else. He might also take the time to figure out that sending unsolicited crotch shots is a massive red flag – that’s an aggressive act which shows absolutely no thoughtfulness towards boundaries whatsoever. If a man is aggressive enough to do that, what else might he do?

  3. 3
    Tony! The Queer Shoop

    I often wonder how the Pitter mothers would react to knowing what their children send.

  4. 4
    Inaji

    quidam:

    and Anne Coulter has the necessary parts to be one

    Most of us are aware that there are some fucked up parents out there. That said, this ^ shit was completely unnecessary. Why yes, women have the necessary parts, imagine that! It has nothing at all to do with actual parents.

  5. 5
    sigurd jorsalfar

    She should probably stay off Chatroullette.

  6. 6
    G Pierce (Was ~G~)

    This story made me laugh at first, but then I questioned sending the mom an unsolicited cock shot as well. The women in his life aren’t responsible for making him treat women with respect, HE is.

  7. 7
    Tony! The Queer Shoop

    @1:

    There is no guarantee, however for a great many men, the idea of their mother seeing the messages they send can be sufficient to make them think twice.
    Also, its contextual. If the ass had sent that pic to a woman he was dating, or if she ASKED for the pic, that would be a different story.
    Moreover, the very threat of speaking to his mother elicited a response that shows shame on his part.

  8. 8
    The Vicar (via Freethoughtblogs)

    That was my initial reaction to the story, too, but I can see plenty of objections to it:

    1. The guy’s mother may be as screwed up as he is, as other people have pointed out, in which case this won’t help.

    2. If the guy’s mother is not as screwed up as he is, this may make him feel bad, but it also will make another woman suffer because of the guy’s asshattery.

    3. Sadly, this isn’t something everyone could do, anyway, even if you reject 1 and 2 above. It’s not always possible to find a jerk’s mother’s e-mail address.

    (It would be interesting to see how people reacted if instead she had passed the picture to the guy’s boss…)

  9. 9
    carlie

    I get it, I really do, but it’s still tiring that the go-to narrative is that he’s judged to need a woman to keep him in line. That’s us, keepers of morality and acting responsible, even when our kids are old enough to have kids of their own, fulfilling our role of big old meanie rule enforcer against those happy go lucky guys who just want to have fun. (see: every Adam Sandler movie ever made, etc)

  10. 10
    Tony! The Queer Shoop

    @6:
    It’s not about his mother being responsible for him.
    It’s about making this entitled ass think about the consequences of his actions. If it means thinking “how would my mom or sister react to this text/pic?” before he sends something offensive, then I’d say that’s a good thing.

  11. 11
    Mattir, Another One With Boltcutters

    I’m skeptical about the use of moms, aunts, sisters, etc. as social enforcers – sure, the guy might be temporarily shamed by his mom finding about about his sex life, but the women he sends his dick picture to are for sure nothing at all like his own mom or sister. Why, his mom and sister are HIS, and those other women aren’t. The invocation of the moms and sisters is made all the damn time and hasn’t worked to diminish sexual harassment or assault at all – all it does is create a sense of “these are mine and those women over there aren’t, so if they don’t have men to act on their behalf, I’m free to send dick pictures.” This is perhaps not the argument we should be wanting to spread.

    On the other hand, having just come back from a Boy Scout meeting, I think there is a role for moms and other women in teaching healthier values – when I work with boys (and especially because I generally behave in a fairly male-gendered manner even though I’m a cis woman), I get to hear the rape jokes or whatever, and then to talk to the kids about them. It’s a lot less imposition-of-authority and a lot more mentorship, but I think it works a lot better.

  12. 12
    Tony! The Queer Shoop

    carlie:
    I didn’t think about it that way. I see what you mean.

  13. 13
    Martin Wagner

    But but but but FREEZE PEACH!

  14. 14
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    Yeah, what Carlie said. Also the idea that moms specifically are responsible.

  15. 15
    Ibis3, Let's burn some bridges

    Oh good. I wasn’t the only one who had a problem with this.

  16. 16
    danielross

    Yeah… I appreciate the thought behind this. Ha ha, you told on him like the little bratty school boy his behavior resembles. Burn.

    But on further analysis, um, YUCK. Holding mother is responsible for their adult sons’ behavior is an ancient sexist trope that ought to be long gone. Plus– just generally– you can keep an incident private, take it to authorities, or go generally public. Sending targeted messages to friends and loved ones, though, is a dark place we don’t want to be going– at the very least it provides social camoflage for when the “bad guys” go to do that in a far more sinister way.

  17. 17
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    *swallows, looks around nervously*

  18. 18
    changerofbits

    Well, he made it clear in their chat that he didn’t want his mom to find out (which makes it seem like it would have the potential to curb at least some of his bad behavior, not to mention if the publicity of this is seen by other offenders that haven’t considered this possibility) Overall, I like seeing bullies getting their crap handed back to them (the article brought a big smile to my face), but how can social pressure be brought on them to stop their crap without involving the people they respect or depend on?

  19. 19
    Kristof

    Reminds me a joke made by Dara O’Briain that the best way to scare off burglar in Ireland is to shout “I know your mother!” or “I’ll tell your mother!”. :)

  20. 20
    =8)-DX

    I dunno, but I think I’m a bit more progressive than my mother on these issues =/. For me it would be just one more odd lingering feeling of guilt at the Sunday lunch table. But getting shamed would I think make me have to rethink and try to mitigate my behaviour.

  21. 21
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    BWAhahahaha :D That’s genunely cheered me up. Good for her :)

  22. 22
    unclefrogy

    some times you just feel like maximum reaction and maybe just this once to just blow them, him or her away. It maybe it ain’t right, not the best thing to do, but maybe this time you’re just to tired and disgusted and this time it’s both barrels point blank and you will deal with the fallout later.
    your just a simple human being and you can make a mistake you don’t re-load and you continue to keep on trying to do the right thing
    uncle frogy

  23. 23
    Alethea Kuiper-Belt

    I like it for the comedy value, even though I agree that woman as moral police is an irritating trope. It’s the patriarchy hoist on it’s own petard. HA-HA we turned a patriarchal trope against you!! Even though the trope still sucks, it’s funny.

  24. 24
    hyperdeath

    Perhaps this would make a good dividing line between “reasonable criticism” and harassment? The former is the stuff that you wouldn’t care about being forwarded to relatives and employers (it’s reasonable after all), and the latter is the stuff that you would.

  25. 25
    quidam

    Caine, Fleur du mal

    11 June 2013 at 9:37 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
    quidam:

    and Anne Coulter has the necessary parts to be one

    Most of us are aware that there are some fucked up parents out there. That said, this ^ shit was completely unnecessary. Why yes, women have the necessary parts, imagine that! It has nothing at all to do with actual parents.

    “Shit?” You miss the point. Moms and motherhood are raised on a pedestal of beatific virtue as if when an unpleasant and anti-femenist woman (such as Coulter) becomes inseminated that somehow she would lose her support for rape culture

    “According to the FBI, a higher percentage of rape claims are false than any other criminal complaint, 8 percent compared to 2 percent for other crimes.”
    A study of all rape allegations in a Midwestern city over nine years found 41 percent were false and a study of more than a thousand rape allegations on air force bases over the course of four years concluded that 46 percent were false. In 27 percent of the cases, the accuser recanted.

    From Mugged: Racial Demagoguery from the Seventies to Obama by Ann Coulter

    Do you really think that if Ms “All pretty girls are right-wingers” Coulter were to become an ‘actual parent ‘ she would not raise boys to become just like her?

  26. 26
    otranreg

    Pfft, wait till you have outlived her, and send dick pics to whomever you like.

    Anyway, the story is funny, but forwarding the messages to his mother only reminds her on her (and the other parent’s, if available) failure to educate her son on these matters. The dude will just be more careful next time.

  27. 27
    ismenia

    It often makes men consider their attitudes towards women when asked to consider whether they would want their mothers/sisters/daughters etc. to be treated in the same way. It helps to humanise women who are being objectified. Obviously there’s still a problem that women have to be seen in family terms in order to be respected as people.

    A relative of mine worked in a school. One (male) teacher saw a boy making the “blow-job” mime (the one that combines hand motions with pressing the tongue into the cheek) at a girl in class. He took the boy to an office, picked up the phone and told the boy that he had to call his mother and explain what he had done. The boy begged not to and was eventually told he had to tell his mother at home and bring a letter that made it clear he had done so. A teacher friend of mine thought this was harsh but I can see the value of bringing home the message that sexual harrassment absolutely is not ok.

  28. 28
    jennifred

    ” …but forwarding the messages to his mother only reminds her on her (and the other parent’s, if available) failure to educate her son on these matters.”

    Do we need to spread this trope as well, the trope of a never ending mother’s guilt for not raising a perfect child? When an adult lies, is it the mother’s failure that she never taught her child not to lie? When you (anyone) are a jerk, is it because of the mother’s failure to teach her child to never be a jerk? Sometimes people just suck, no matter their upbringing.

  29. 29
    Gen, Uppity Ingrate and Ilk

    Do we need to spread this trope as well, the trope of a never ending mother’s guilt for not raising a perfect child? When an adult lies, is it the mother’s failure that she never taught her child not to lie? When you (anyone) are a jerk, is it because of the mother’s failure to teach her child to never be a jerk? Sometimes people just suck, no matter their upbringing.

    This. And also what Carlie said. I can understand that yes, it’s funny and it’s a way to add consequences to what’s often a consequenceless act, but really, do women ALWAYS have to be the ones to take responsibility for men’s inability not to be douchebags? For “fixing” and “taming” men? I hope it’s clear how problematic these tropes are.

    Is that really necessary?

  30. 30
    barbarienne

    It’s not about making his mother responsible for his behavior. It’s about invoking some consequence that will land.

    What the fuck else can a woman do? If she’s near enough proximity–same town, say–should she drive over to his house and confront him? Gee, that sounds safe! And legal! [/sarcasm]

    Should she report him to the police on the teensy-tiny chance that they will do anything substantive, rather than merely have a “talk” with the guy, thereby teaching him that he can totally and utterly get away with this behavior, and thereby encourage it?

    And what if he is a world away? He’s essentially untouchable. Nothing can be done to him directly.

    So the only leverage anyone has is to bring in potential allies who do have leverage on him. The least harmful of these is his mother, who is at best going to leverage her emotional hold over him and shame him.

    The only other option I can come up with is leveraging someone else with authority: his school or his employer.

  31. 31
    Cynickal

    And no one yet has considered the feelings of the poor NSA agent monitoring this exchange.
    :-(

  32. 32
    HappiestSadist, Repellent Little Martyr

    I hate the “but what about your mother/sister/wife/whatever?” thing. Not only do plenty of men compartmentalize “their” women as different and their property (Oh hey, “honour” killing, nice to see you here!), but a terrifying number of women and girls are raped and abused by their male relatives and partners. For plenty of these guys, they likely are already thinking of their sister/partner/mother when they are assaulting women.

  33. 33
    Rolan le Gargéac

    carlie @ 9

    I get it, I really do, but it’s still tiring that the go-to narrative is that he’s judged to need a woman to keep him in line. That’s us, keepers of morality and acting responsible, even when our kids are old enough to have kids of their own, fulfilling our role of big old meanie rule enforcer against those happy go lucky guys who just want to have fun. (see: every Adam Sandler movie ever made, etc)

    I see that all the time. In the workplace, schools and even, the library (run by five wonderful wimmin who even laugh at my (often) terrible jokes). Now I live in France and the Law is strict about certain forms of behaviour but Mother as GoTo for moral disciplinarian is standard.
    I did have something more pithy and mordant to say but by the time I found my password it hath escapèd…Bordel de merde!

  34. 34
    Rolan le Gargéac

    Cynickal @ 31

    And no one yet has considered the feelings of the poor NSA agent monitoring this exchange.
    :-(

    Now, colour me silly but isn’t assaulting a federal officer a crime ? Is not this what PRISM is for ?

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