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Apr 18 2013

Why does Jesus get the biggest batarang?

It took me a minute to figure out what this diagram was trying to say.

household

Then I figured it out. Ewww, yuck. Fundie Christians.

(via Spa_yediMonster)

47 comments

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  1. 1
    mythbri

    Why the fuck doesn’t Christ have any responsibilities?

    Lazy-ass fuck.

  2. 2
    vaiyt

    They forgot the “Bible-worshipping rapacious monsters” umbrella above the Christ one.

  3. 3
    eddarrell

    Trickle down religion.

    You know, trickle down doesn’t work in economics. It doesn’t work in religion, either.

    Trickle down is only useful for peeing on someone, or for leaky roofs. Both of those are bad. Don’t these guys ever learn from real life and science?

  4. 4
    davidnangle

    Actually, suggests men don’t really have anything to do, and women, even less. That’s the analogy, right? Unless Christ’s umbrella is REALLY sub-standard, men, women, and children will be dry all the time, anyway!

  5. 5
    hyperdeath

    I thought Bruce Wayne was Batman, not Christ.

  6. 6
    mythbri

    Step 1: Wife = children managers of home
    Step 2: Husband = protect family provide for family
    Step 3: Christ = ?
    Step 4: Profit!

  7. 7
    Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought

    I don’t know what is trickling from men and women’s umbrellas, but it shouldn’t be rain.

  8. 8
    SallyStrange

    Because Christ has the biggest penis. Christ has the biggest everything. That’s how religion works, right? The god with the biggest stuff wins.

  9. 9
    UnknownEric the Apostate

    I thought Bruce Wayne was Batman, not Christ.

    Which of course, immediately brought this song winging its way into my brain.

  10. 10
    mythbri

    Could Christ make a Batarang so big that even He could not throw it?

    O.O

  11. 11
    Chengis Khan, The Cryofly

    Because… those who are cloaked can f*** with everyone below the their umbrella!

  12. 12
    John Small Berries

    If the wife still needs her own little umbrella even under two other ones, it suggests that Christ’s and the husband’s umbrellas aren’t very effective at all.

  13. 13
    UnknownEric the Apostate

    And this raises the question: Could Batman beat Christ with enough prep time?

  14. 14
    mythbri

    @UnknownEric

    If Batman can stop his own goddamn heart in order to win a fight with Superman, Christ should be no trouble at all.

  15. 15
    haitied

    Of course Eric, Jesus was sent here to fail.

  16. 16
    Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    So it’s saying Christ is as useful as an umbrella on an umbrella on an umbrella?

  17. 17
    feralboy12

    I can’t help but notice that this entire umbrella assembly has exactly one handle, way down there where the kids are. I assume they’re the ones who actually have to hold on to the thing.
    And having Jesus up there at the top, with a massive canopy with lots of surface area, is going to make the thing prone to taking off in high winds. Not good.
    Forget the umbrellas–get some Gore-Tex. And forget Jesus, unless you want to launch your entire family halfway across the county.

  18. 18
    timgueguen

    Christ’s Umbrella, another potential band name.

  19. 19
    Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

    Bruce Wayne was Batman, not Christ

    I use a pseudonym more because folk on the internet have this weird idea that just because you can click through on a link from a blog to a facebook page to a school friend’s FB to the school, that somehow you intended to be representing the school, or your work, or your government, or whatever. Also, while I can take the harassment that comes with some of the things I say, I don’t like it when it gets traced back to people I love. But I’m going to risk all that to say this very, very important thing that an anal searcher could use to find out a lot more about me:

    Bruce Wayne is one of my law professors. Seriously. You have no idea how much the comic geek in me is amused by picturing this man in tights and a cape. Not least b/c he’s queer. And his hubby is hunkier than Adam West – with better politics, too!

    I think his batarang is the one just above Chris T.’s – you just can’t see it.

  20. 20
    jaybee

    Who would look at this and be swayed in to believing?

    I college a couple of sincere guys, strangers to me, knocked on my dorm room door and asked if I had a minute. They wanted to share a message with me. I expected where it was going, but I let them in since I was bored.

    They asked for a blank sheet of paper so they could draw something which had changed their lives, and they just knew that it could change mine because it was so powerful. I could feel their anticipation of the “checkmate atheist!” moment.

    On the left and right they drew a ground plane, with a big, cartoony chasm between. On the left they drew a stick figure of me. On the right they wrote the words: your salvation. What could possible bridge that gap? Then they whipped it out: a cross, which perfectly fit that chasm, violating the laws of physics as there was no point of support for the cross. How could anyone not be convinced?

    It crossed my mind, but I was too polite back then, to duplicate the drawing, then draw a dollar bill as the bridge to show them just how empty their metaphor was.

  21. 21
    mikeyb

    Guess they’ll be ready for the next worldwide flood.

  22. 22
    ptfe

    Think of the implications for the Christ Child: he’s both bigger than and smaller than his parental umbrellas.* Now *that’s* God Power. Jesus h-bar Christ.

    * But he still has no responsibilities.

  23. 23
    Randomfactor

    Um…makes me wonder who’s up above, pissing on Christ’s umbrella. Maybe SHE is the one we should be worshipping.

    Or is it umbrellas all the way UP, too?

  24. 24
    Weed(less) Monkey

    mythbri @ 1

    Why the fuck doesn’t Christ have any responsibilities?

    Lazy-ass fuck.

    Obligatory XKCD: Hyphen

  25. 25
    Randomfactor

    Those guys do like their Comfort, though.

  26. 26
    jnorris

    Why is the guy who never married and never had kids on top?

  27. 27
    Stacy

    @feralboy12

    And forget Jesus, unless you want to launch your entire family halfway across the county

    That sounds fun, actually. You’re saying that if I have a big enough Jesus I can go parasailing?

  28. 28
    janiceintoronto

    #18
    timgueguen “Christ’s Umbrella, another potential band name.”

    Sounds like slang for a foreskin.

    You read it here first.

  29. 29
    frog

    If we cut a couple of hand-grips at the top of those shapes, they become something like bat’leths, and the wife can theoretically kill her way to the top.

  30. 30
    Naked Bunny with a Whip

    And Jesus is shielding us from God, I guess?

  31. 31
    ck

    Beatrice (looking for a happy thought) (#7) wrote:

    I don’t know what is trickling from men and women’s umbrellas, but it shouldn’t be rain.

    SallyStrange (#8) wrote:

    Because Christ has the biggest penis. Christ has the biggest everything. That’s how religion works, right? The god with the biggest stuff wins.

    I don’t know why, but these two combined in my head and suddenly brought forth a mental image of Jesus pissing on the husband who, in turn, pisses on the wife, and each shielding themselves from the urine onslaught with umbrellas.

  32. 32
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    Jesus was sent here to fail.

    *snortle*

    I just choked on my candy bar. Thanks.

  33. 33
    irisvanderpluym

    I feel terrible for the kids. They don’t even get an umbrella to protect Fido.

    jaybee @ 20:

    Who would look at this and be swayed into believing?

    The d00d, of course. He gets total dominion over women and children, and answers only to a silent, invisible being who *coincidentally* agrees with him about everything.

    Christian fundies embrace the term “covering” with respect to male authority – IIRC, it’s the explicit language of those skeevy father-daughter virginity pledge things. So as a metaphor, umbrellas almost work.

    Social conservatives cannot think beyond hierarchies. Also: they totally suck at metaphor.

  34. 34
    anteprepro

    You know, at first I was like “well, in order to actually keep the rain trickling down the sides, and to make it so that the Christ Umbrella doesn’t completely make the people umbrellas irrelevant, the umbrellas should be INCREASING in size, with the Christ Umbrella being smallest and the Wife Umbrella being largest.” Then I laughed at how fundies would react to having the Christ Umbrella being a rinky-dink thing on top and then having the woman’s umbrella being the largest, despite it being totally proportional to the sexist responsibilities they’ve thrust upon them. And then I laughed further because I realized that this ran into the opposite problem: the Christ and Husband weren’t doing jack shit and it was just the Wife doing the bulk of umbrella-ing. The Christ and Husband just increased the run-off that the Wife Umbrella had to ultimately deal with. And that is when I realized that I had accidentally perfected the metaphor, beyond my wildest dreams.

  35. 35
    kemist, Dark Lord of the Sith

    I think I get it.

    Zombie Jeebus is a Umbrella Corporation product.

    Explains lots of things.

  36. 36
    Galactic Fork

    Unless Christ’s umbrella is REALLY sub-standard, men, women, and children will be dry all the time, anyway!

    Well… It is a holy umbrella.

  37. 37
    DLC

    And God did sacrifice his son, to himself, so that you could worship him more, for eternity.
    oh, and . . . the diagram is proof positive that Religion rains on everyone’s parade.

  38. 38
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    Why is the guy who never married and never had kids on top?

    Actually, if you think about it, that isn’t terribly inconsistent with him being on top of the guy who’s on top of his wife, though society is changing..

  39. 39
    cplcam

    I’ve been having my wife shield my children from streams of my urine for days now but I don’t think they’re “getting” it. I’m kinda new at this whole christianity thing are there any parables in the Bible that will help impart the Christian values from this lesson?

  40. 40
    anthonioroszaeirio

    That just means that every Christian couple is in a ménage à trois with Christ.

  41. 41
  42. 42
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    Assuming that such a three-tiered umbrella contraption exists… does the bottom umbrella not render the top two somewhat redundant?

    Just sayin’…

  43. 43
    badgersdaughter

    It strikes me that the top umbrella is, or should theoretically be, plenty big enough to shelter the wife even if she is not under the husband’s umbrella, or to shelter more than two people, or to shelter more than one “male” umbrella, or more than one “female” umbrella, or however you want to stack them…

    I was actually going somewhere with this but I can’t remember where. Oh well, going to drink my morning tea now :)

  44. 44
    call me mark

    Mythbri at #6:

    Step 4: Profit! Prophet
    FTFY

  45. 45
    birgerjohansson

    Kemist:
    “Zombie Jeebus is a Umbrella Corporation product.”

    Goddamit, Kemist, I am soo going to post this on every forum I can find!

  46. 46
    David Marjanović

    Heh. Just a few minutes ago, while supposed to be working, I read about how the late medieval Swiss believed they were a chosen people because God had granted them “the inversion of the natural order” – a whole bunch of victories against aristocratic overlords.

    That just means that every Christian couple is in a ménage à trois with Christ.

    There’s a wonderful Simpsons scene about this. :-)

  47. 47
    WMDKitty -- Survivor

    Kemist

    Zombie Jeebus is a Umbrella Corporation product.

    *big evil grin*

    I see the opportunity for a lovely crossover fic, there!

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