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I can’t imagine living in an abusive relationship

But this video might help. This woman took one photo a day in the worst year of her life, as she was living through a relationship that got progressively uglier. It starts off easily enough, and when the first blush of a bruise appears one day, you think it doesn’t look so bad — she still smiles frequently. But holy crap, by the end she looks like she’s been in a war. This is not something to watch if you’re easily triggered.

I’m mainly wondering what has happened to the disgusting piece of shit who was doing this to her.


It has now been revealed that the injuries were done with stage makeup, as part of an advertising campaign to highlight the problem of domestic abuse.

Comments

  1. Rasmus says

    Yes, it’s an ad for a Serbian web site (www.sigurnakuca.net) where victims and others can find information about domestic violence.

  2. WharGarbl says

    Can’t help myself with a little ribbing…

    I’m mainly wondering what has happened to the disgusting piece of shit who was doing this to her.

    Probably doing the same thing to another woman, maybe even another man ;-)

    P.S. Please read the link I posted in #2 if you don’t get it.

  3. bpcross says

    It goes rather fast but the injury/healing sequence doesn’t appear consistent to me (fake).

  4. WharGarbl says

    @bpcross

    It goes rather fast but the injury/healing sequence doesn’t appear consistent to me (fake).

    It’s an ads, those are makeups. See #2.

  5. says

    In my experience, a physical abuser is careful to cause hurt where it will not be easily visible. And emotional abuse is far more common than physical abuse; that rarely leaves physical marks of any kind.

  6. Thomathy, Gay Where it Counts says

    That is a pretty powerful PSA. I hope it serves its purpose.

    I’m wondering (and I will have to go check to find out) if this isn’t part of a larger awareness campaign that also depicts other types of domestic abuse. If it is, then it’s certainly a well thought out and inclusive PSA.

  7. WharGarbl says

    @Thomathy
    #10

    I’m wondering (and I will have to go check to find out) if this isn’t part of a larger awareness campaign that also depicts other types of domestic abuse.

    It appears to be.
    http://www.saatchi.com/en/news/archive/one_photo_a_day_in_the_worst_year_of_my_life_saatchi_B92
    From the article “The first phase of the campaign against domestic violence was launched on March 18 with a time-lapse viral video that shows a female victim of domestic violence calling for help.”
    So I guess there’re more coming.

  8. moarscienceplz says

    I have to say that I was a little suspicious that the woman would have the foresight to start recording several weeks before she had visible injuries, also, like Gregory said, that her abuser would be unconcerned about leaving her damage so visible. But even so, it’s still a very visceral piece of work. Good for them to do it.

    If this had been done in the USA and aired on TV, I wonder how many “concerned parents” would complain that this was harmful for their kids to see?

  9. Mark Smith says

    I can’t help being amused when liberals suddenly go all Dirty Harry when the crime is against an ‘oppressd class.’ These are the same people who are horrified by stop and frisk policies that save the lives of minorities.

  10. says

    Mark Smith:

    These are the same people who are horrified by stop and frisk policies that save the lives of minorities.

    You are equating an actual crime (domestic abuse) with the infringement of the rights of others (stop and frisk policies).

    Good try, though.

  11. The Mellow Monkey says

    What does Dirty Harry have to do with anything in the OP or this thread?

  12. glodson says

    @Mark Smith

    Yeah, I can’t help be amused by people who get upset by domestic violence and spousal abuse, who want to see more done to help the victims of the crimes, who are in fact oppressed by the abuser and even the system at time, not to mention the systemic problems that arise through ignorance of the issue. It is also not connected to the stop and frisk policies which forgo due process and are used to justify random stops of minorities based on the fact they are minorities. How denying them of the rights saves their lives is a mystery.

    Thanks Mark, for your insightful and inspiring take on how the minimize domestic abuse, justify the systemic racism of a police policy, and demonization of liberals. I would say way to troll, but you have so much room for improvement.

  13. Thomathy, Gay Where it Counts says

    WharGarbl, yeah it seems to be. That’s promising. I love a good PSA. So few are ever well-implemented and actually helpful. This one is provocative and illustrates a real harm; the visceral nature is what is compelling about the message.

  14. says

    I’m glad this abuse is being highlighted and the message of help is getting out. It’s a pity other types of abuse don’t leave visible marks. Not quite as easy to highlight.

  15. says

    MM:

    What does Dirty Harry have to do with anything in the OP or this thread?

    Some people will do anything to avoid talking about toxic sexism and its effect on people, especially the bitchez.

  16. Pteryxx says

    I have to say that I was a little suspicious that the woman would have the foresight to start recording several weeks before she had visible injuries, also, like Gregory said, that her abuser would be unconcerned about leaving her damage so visible.

    True, but not as improbable as one might expect; see rq’s #11 above. That photoessay happened because the abuser didn’t think much of hitting his wife in front of a photojournalist on duty in their home.

  17. says

    In my experience, a physical abuser is careful to cause hurt where it will not be easily visible. And emotional abuse is far more common than physical abuse; that rarely leaves physical marks of any kind.

    That was my experience. That’s not to say that the kind of physical abuse that is portrayed in this ad doesn’t happen. But abuse is a bigger problem than most imagine because the bruises and marks are well hidden.

  18. glodson says

    Some people will do anything to avoid talking about toxic sexism and its effect on people, especially the bitchez.

    And fuck all the people effected by this! We must make some ancillary point, ignore the women and men who are abused, the children effected, and the fallout of abuse! Let’s just ignore the problem! It isn’t like we could actually improve people’s lives. It isn’t like we could even help abusers realize that they need help as well, and maybe improve the lives of everyone involved, in some cases!

    Funny how I’ve not seen a person defend the blow job ban yet, but it didn’t take long for a brave dissenter in the domestic abuse thread.

  19. says

    Glodson:

    Funny how I’ve not seen a person defend the blow job ban yet, but it didn’t take long for a brave dissenter in the domestic abuse thread.

    That’s because blow jobs make the almighty penis happy, and hey, ya know, slapping a bitch around might make a penis happy too, so let’s talk about cops and Dirty Harry and stuff.

  20. CaitieCat says

    PZ:

    This is not something to watch if you’re easily triggered.

    Thank you for this. I would definitely have watched if you hadn’t, and your thoughtfulness means i get to go on with my working day, instead of taking a couple of hours off (self-employed – no work, no pay) to get myself back on the ground again.

    I know you get plenty of shit from various paleofantasist types for supporting feminist behaviour, so I wanted to make sure that when it happens that it makes my life a little easier, I let you know the positive too. Not cookies, a statement of fact, and how much it saved me moneywise: at my billing-rate, that 10-word sentence saved me somewhere between USD50 and USD80. Thank you.

  21. says

    glodson:

    Funny how I’ve not seen a person defend the blow job ban yet, but it didn’t take long for a brave dissenter in the domestic abuse thread.

    It was more a weird combination of ad hominem incoherent strawman attempt at taking a swipe at liberals than an actual defense. But yeah. It seems almost like he posted that because he realized any true attempt at a defense would make him come off as a complete and utter asshole.

    I’m just amused that Mark Smith admits to being amused by the stupid shit he makes up in his head.

  22. roro80 says

    Thanks for the trigger warning, definitely. That was wrenching, and powerful.

    I am a little dismayed by the fact that so many people’s first reaction was suspicion…toward the woman in the pictures. Missing the point…

  23. Stacy says

    What does Dirty Harry have to do with anything in the OP or this thread?

    Lazy thinkers never bother with inconvenient questions like that.

  24. glodson says

    It seems almost like he posted that because he realized any true attempt at a defense would make him come off as a complete and utter asshole.

    Oh, it was all sorts of bad, and I’m sure he’ll deny that he was trying to defend domestic abuse with his strange post, which I would add has a strange non sequitur connecting this issue to stop and frisk, and then to say that saves lives for some reason.

    Whatever he thinks his intent is, or point was, it cannot be stated enough that a derailing tactic like, the attempt to silence people on the issue with the oddly put attempt to shame us for something, speaks volumes about his priority.

    And I would say it has some use. It shows that even talking about the effects of domestic abuse will get people to try and change the subject. But I noted the juxtaposition between the two threads because both threads contain the indefensible. One thread is about legislating sexual practices which, in practice, will likely be aimed at the gay population. And this thread, about abuse. One is framed about being about a blow job ban, the other is just a video showing the effects a woman(or even man) can suffer at the hands of an abuser. One thread gets the asshat troll.

    It is sad.

  25. David Marjanović says

    :-O

    I think the text at the end means: “Help me. I don’t know if I [can] wait till tomorrow.”

  26. Beatrice (looking for a happy thought) says

    David,

    The last sentence is more in the sense of “I don’t know if I will live to see tomorrow.”
    —-

    Yeah, it’s a powerful awareness campaign. I read about it in the papers, but haven’t watched the video until now.

  27. jefrir says

    So I guess there’re more coming.

    The person who posted the video in the OP has another that’s part of the same campaign – mostly text, this time, giving some information about abuse and the website where people can get help or donate. So, the shock ad gets people to pay attention and want to do something, and then the follow up tells them what they can do – seems pretty good to me.

  28. optimalcynic says

    Funny how I’ve not seen a person defend the blow job ban yet, but it didn’t take long for a brave dissenter in the domestic abuse thread.

    Obviously a framing problem. He should have made it clear that it referred only to oral sex on women, then nobody would have cared. Personally I think he should just go the whole hog and outlaw the female orgasm. (obvious sarcasm alert seeing as somebody completely misunderstood me last time).

  29. glodson says

    Personally I think he should just go the whole hog and outlaw the female orgasm.

    Unlike his dear and precious god, I’m sure he won’t bother with outlawing that myth.

    (Sarcasm here too)

  30. says

    Well it’s not like her orgasm is important for pregnancy (actually, it is). The really important thing to notice here is how silly it is to waste time talking about domestic violence when we should be talking about ANYTHING else.

    Especially things that make the penis happy or can be used as a gotcha. Those things are really important.

    /Do I really have to tag this as sarcasm…… fucking world.

  31. glodson says

    I thought my sarcasm would be apparent, but then I’ve just read a few astoundingly stupid posts elsewhere, and I could easily see how people might miss my sarcasm given the amount of stupid out there.

  32. WharGarbl says

    @glodson
    #37
    I think there should be a term for that.
    Maybe something like “Bitten by Poe”

  33. moarscienceplz says

    #27

    I am a little dismayed by the fact that so many people’s first reaction was suspicion…toward the woman in the pictures. Missing the point…

    First, I said nothing about it until I was SURE it was manufactured.
    Second, News Flash for ya: NOT EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET IS REAL!
    Third, if you bothered to read my whole post, perhaps you noticed I applauded it.

    Rush Limbaugh has millions of people who believe everything he says without question. Do you really think that is the best way to process all the media content we receive everyday?

  34. David Marjanović says

    The last sentence is more in the sense of “I don’t know if I will live to see tomorrow.”

    I suspected that, but I wasn’t sure, so I went to Google Translate to check… let Google and me both sink in shame.

  35. says

    moarscienceplz @ 39, I don’t think that degree of yelling is necessary or warranted. As rq showed, at least one real version of this awareness campaign exists, and I have no doubt there are many more. It is dismaying, to say the least, to see suspicion pop up right away, along with the use of words such as manufactured. You see, we live every day in a world where our every word is doubted for the crime of being female. Those of us who have dealt with and reported incidences of abuse, stalking, assault or rape know all about that. So, yes – dismaying.

  36. JAL: Snark, Sarcasm & Bitterness says

    #42 Caine, Wonder-wench

    moarscienceplz @ 39, I don’t think that degree of yelling is necessary or warranted. As rq showed, at least one real version of this awareness campaign exists, and I have no doubt there are many more. It is dismaying, to say the least, to see suspicion pop up right away, along with the use of words such as manufactured. You see, we live every day in a world where our every word is doubted for the crime of being female. Those of us who have dealt with and reported incidences of abuse, stalking, assault or rape know all about that. So, yes – dismaying.

    Ditto here. Dismaying is absolutely right.

    I’ve been beating in the street on more than one occasion by my abuser with him focusing on bashing my face in and choking me. Nobody did a damn thing to help. No one even call the cops. I know because afterwards we sat at the near by bus stop for over a half an hour. (I was beaten because my ‘dawdling fat ass made us late’.) I could have easily kept a photo journal like this (if I had the money for a camera) because he didn’t care if he was caught on tape doing anything. It never mattered. Even the times when I called the cops and the police took photos – he was release over and over usually the next day on a plea deal. Not to mention the bolster he got from cops with their talk of ‘sorry guy it’s the law one of you has to go to jail and she’s the woman. People with believe her over you no matter what.’ All that counseling, classes and restraining orders didn’t do a damn thing. He always came right back to me and I had no way out.

    So yes, just like we here believe every rape victim, I say we should believe those subjected to abuse. Everywhere else is set up to disbelieve as the starting position and it costs little to extend our support. For someone like me who literally could have been that woman in the ad that would mean far more than the skepticism that oh so conveniently rears it’s head only when women’s issues come up. I had to turn away from this thread at first, not because of the video but because of the ‘hyper skeptic’ comments. It hurts. It immediately brings to mind every. single. time. I’ve been accused of lying about my abuse and makes me wonder will they believe me or call my story manufactured too?

  37. says

    Disclaimer: Personal Bias Present
    Further Disclaimer: Given the topic, it doesn’t f***ing matter!

    OK, this is the one instance in which it does not matter to me whether this video was manufactured. It brings to light a prevalent and heinous problem with Western (I’m sticking with Western because it is in this society in which I have lived for all of my life; therefore I cannot and will not competently comment on Eastern) society, and it is not going to stop until this society stops perpetuating the ideal that women [and some men] are “objects”, not people, and men [and some women] are free to do said “objects” as they choose.

    It is SCARY as hell to open up about abuse to those in your inner circle and it is even scarier to report it to the authorities. As a woman, the second that you report any type of abuse, YOU immediately become the person on trial by society. It’s YOU who gets asked offensive questions like “Well, what did you do to provoke him?” or “What did you do to try to prevent it?” It’s YOU who is labeled with the horrible pejoratives. It’s YOU who has to fight for your personhood just to be able to seek justice.

    So, if a safe house decides to place an ad portraying a simulated “year-in-the-life” of an abuse victim, then I say praise be to the FSM because they’re reminding us that abuse is NOT OK.

    [Incidentally, I am not trying to discount any men who have been victims of abuse, but I am cis-gendered woman and can only speak from my personal experience. If there are any men, cis or trans, who have been victims of abuse, my heart goes out to you!]

  38. roro80 says

    moarscienceplz @ 39

    My my my. “So many people” evidently means “MOARSCIENCEPLZ I’M CALLING YOU OUT FUCKER”, despite a lack of call out of any sort. If your first impression of a PSA about domestic abuse is not suspicion of the woman involved, then my post was clearly not about you. If it is, maybe think about that. Please note that those women who do go public about our abuse are immediately doubted, called into question as being bitch liars trying to ruin the lives of good men.

    Shockingly (ahem)….still missing the point.

  39. says

    JAL:

    So yes, just like we here believe every rape victim, I say we should believe those subjected to abuse. Everywhere else is set up to disbelieve as the starting position and it costs little to extend our support. For someone like me who literally could have been that woman in the ad that would mean far more than the skepticism that oh so conveniently rears it’s head only when women’s issues come up. I had to turn away from this thread at first, not because of the video but because of the ‘hyper skeptic’ comments. It hurts. It immediately brings to mind every. single. time. I’ve been accused of lying about my abuse and makes me wonder will they believe me or call my story manufactured too?

    Thank you very much for sharing your story, it’s important because it starkly illustrates not only the splash damage done, but how much it contributes to the status quo of bitches be lying.

  40. WharGarbl says

    @Caine
    #46

    Thank you very much for sharing your story, it’s important because it starkly illustrates not only the splash damage done, but how much it contributes to the status quo of bitches be lying.

    I don’t think its going to get better any time soon.
    This is from last week:Brian Banks
    The gist of it, a false accusation of rape landed someone in jail for 5 years and have to be registered as a sex offender.
    My first thought was to feel sorry for the wrongly accused.
    My second thought was “THANK YOU (the accuser) for making it THAT MUCH HARDER FOR ACTUAL RAPE VICTIM TO GET JUSTICE!”

  41. says

    WharGarbl, actually, with more advocates, more awareness and feminists refusing to shut up, the situation is getting better, albeit very slowly. The situation is not helped by idiots yelling about a false accusation. False accusations make up an extremely small percentage of reported cases of abuse, stalking, assault and rape. By focusing on such a thing, rather than the underlying foundation of toxic sexism and bigotry, you help to shore up and enable rape culture and the “ethics” of MRAs everywhere.

  42. Pteryxx says

    Seriously? The reaction to a video depicting an abused woman is to… interrogate the video’s validity? That’s so meta I threw up in my mouth a little. Does anyone really care if, say, anti-bullying PSAs show actual instances of bullying rather than being portrayed by actors and a script? No, because the depiction is accurate and believable. So an accurate, believable portrayal of a beaten woman ought to stand on its merits, too… riiiiight?

    And to back up Caine and JAL and spastic6particle above: No, violent abusers often don’t give a damn about whether the bruises are visible or not. Half the time it’s just an additional burden on the victim to explain away the injuries or use makeup to cover the marks so SHE doesn’t get shunned as a troublemaker. Again, see rq’s #11, the stories above, and also the Refuge ‘Don’t cover it up’ campaign from last year.)

    Heck, after my abuser tried to strangle me, I told everyone who asked exactly where the rows of obvious finger marks on my throat came from. Nobody offered me support or even said a word to him that I saw… not even the doctor that treated me.

  43. roro80 says

    It’s so brave to share your stories in a space like this. A sincere thank you to those who did — I just don’t have the spoons.

  44. WharGarbl says

    @Caine
    #49

    The situation is not helped by idiots yelling about a false accusation.

    You’re right. It’s just that the moment I saw that story, my first thought was “And here comes douchebags claiming all women lie about rape.”
    Quick search about seconds later…
    “Yep!”

    False accusations make up an extremely small percentage of reported cases of abuse, stalking, assault and rape.

    I’m not sure what constitute as extremely small percentage. Trying to find statistics on that is fairly difficult(what with a lot of biased methodologies). The closest one I can find is this.
    Dr. David Lisak on Rape Accusation
    I can’t read much into it since it’s behind a paywall, but the methodology posted on Wikipedia is about as unbiased as I can find (accusation is only deemed as false if there’s a preponderence of evidence saying that it is). The result from that sample is 5.9% of false accusation rate.
    Some of that could be sexual assaults that’s not legally classified as rape (consent obtained through impairment by alcohol, for example, may be considered rape but not one by legal standard and marked as false).
    In additional to unreported rape that occurred.

    With those in mind, I would guess that actual rate of false rape accusation is likely about as common or as uncommon as just about false accusation of other crimes.

    I guess a good statement to say would be. “Rape accusation is as likely to be true as every other crime accusation, treat it as such.”

    From what I read from other places, calling false accusation being an “extremely small percentage” sort of make people think the victims of false accusation are being marginalized.

    Then again, some people probably can’t be reasoned with. But perhaps a more reasoned statement can get at those on the fence by simply stating:
    1. Yes, false rape accusation exists.
    2. Statistics said that false rape accusation is about as common/uncommon as accusations of every crime.
    3. Therefore, treat rape accusation as one will treat accusation of every other crime.

  45. mildlymagnificent says

    It’s a pity other types of abuse don’t leave visible marks. Not quite as easy to highlight.

    My own feeling is that until people talk openly and sensibly about physical violence, the other forms of partner abuse will remain just as hidden and remote as they currently are. Though I have noticed that when it comes to murder of a woman by an abusive man, there’s nowadays a lot more reporting and discussion of that particular man’s other behaviours – controlling, jealous, suspicious and all the other ugly bits of the one toxic package. Getting people to see that there’s a possible link to other abuse when they see or hear of someone withholding money or disallowing contact with relatives and friends might make more people more likely to call this out.

    Then we might eventually get to dealing responsibly as a society with abuse of men by their partners, and in other relationships.

  46. says

    mildlymagnificent:

    Though I have noticed that when it comes to murder of a woman by an abusive man, there’s nowadays a lot more reporting and discussion of that particular man’s other behaviours – controlling, jealous, suspicious and all the other ugly bits of the one toxic package.

    Yes. The problem there is, a dead person is in the middle of all the chat. I’ve noticed, in one case after another, that family and friends do notice the isolation of the person by the abuser, but there’s never any intervention until a person is dead. It’s a societal failing and a failure of laws and the legal system.

  47. WharGarbl says

    @mildlymagnificent
    #53

    controlling, jealous, suspicious and all the other ugly bits of the one toxic package.

    Reminded me of my friend’s relative.
    He only hit her once, which finally triggered her to divorce him. Before that, it was a non-stop parade of emotional abuses (all because she’s more accomplished, academically and professionally, than he was), plus cheating on her (didn’t even bother to hide it).
    He’s a mean, little man.
    Unfortunately, there’s no law against being an absolute dick.

  48. WharGarbl says

    Extension from #55 in response to #53

    Getting people to see that there’s a possible link to other abuse when they see or hear of someone withholding money or disallowing contact with relatives and friends might make more people more likely to call this out.

    That’s… very disturbingly similar to what was happening to my friend’s relative.
    Good news thou, she got out of that marriage thanks to support from relatives.
    Plus a very, very nice lawyer (seriously, her lawyer is about the most ethical lawyer I’ve ever seen if my friend was to be believed).

    Her husband tried to lock her out of their joint bank checking account once she started the divorce proceeding. According to my friend, he did it based on his mother suggestion (who, btw, also verbally abused her whenever possible because she DARED to divorce her son).

    I’m not sure which is worse. The fact that he was such an ass, or the fact that his mother helped him to be an even BIGGER ASS!

  49. Xaivius says

    If your first reaction to this video is “Must be fake:” CONGRATULATIONS!: You have PRIVILEGE! Also known as Bayesian Priors, i.e. your prior experiences up to this point have not provided adequate context to relate to the subject at hand and make a judgement that can adequately encapsulate the positions, experiences, and pain of the subject at hand. Please step back, take a deep breath, and fucking listen for a few hours. Repeat as necessary.

    [/snark]

    This video is…. powerful. That is a word I would use to describe it. To be honest, it felt like getting punched in the (soul? feels? frontal cortex? oh, wait, I know…) humanity. I don’t want to use other words, because this is something that needs to get out there, and make people aware. Sometimes the only way to wake someone up is with a bucket of ice water.

  50. thumper1990 says

    Since no one else seems to have done it yet:

    @spastic6particle

    Please change your ‘nym. “Spastic”? Not cool.

  51. John Morales says

    [meta + totally OT]

    Psst, thumper1990… how do you know the nym isn’t self-referential?

    (You’re making an unwarranted assumption)

  52. says

    thumper:

    Please change your ‘nym. “Spastic”? Not cool.

    Seriously, telling someone to change their nym, especially when it takes about 5 seconds to visit the hyperlink in their nym to see what they are all about? Not cool. It’s obvious her nym is referential to herself. Leave her be.

  53. thumper1990 says

    @Caine and John Morales

    Ah, that’ll be my internet illiteracy coming out.

    @Spastic6particle

    Sorry! :) Ignore me.

  54. says

    I sure can’t be the only one who realised this was ‘staged’ from the very first moment? I can’t imagine anyone going through an abusive relationship that would do this kind of ‘a photo a day’ thing. Makes no sense.