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Apr 08 2013

For the gentlemen in the audience only

Ladies, this is a delicate subject, and I’ll have to ask you to step out of the room for a bit while the men talk among themselves.

Gentlemen, I am sure you are aware of this common problem: the ungratified libido. It’s quite common in younger, unattached men who find themselves distracted by lustful thoughts, but it also springs up (heh) in surprising places: Muslim men of all ages are apparently terribly afflicted to the point of frustration, while even older and reliably partnered fellows like myself are occasionally isolated (for instance, by a goddamned snowstorm blowing into the upper Midwest in April and making travel hazardous for the next few days, so my wife is effectively stranded an hour away).

You know the usual solutions: cold showers, long walks, masturbation, alcohol. Or all four!

But haven’t you ever wanted a temporary anaphrodisiac? Something that would just make your testes shrivel into dessicated little raisins for a day or two, just so you could concentrate on other things?

Well, your prayers have been answered. We have the cure. We have discovered a post containing MRA erotica. I read it an hour ago, felt a strange swirling sensation in my nethers, and next thing I knew, I had the morphology of a Ken doll. Seriously, no interest left at all. Hormones…evaporated.

And as an extra bonus, my IQ shot up 20 points!

In case you’re reading this, Mary, stay safe, don’t risk the roads, I’m good for a while.

99 comments

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  1. 1
    Martin Wagner

    Nope. Won’t work. You just aren’t going to trick me into clicking that link.

  2. 2
    Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

    I read it already: ManBoobz post. It’s pretty out there.

  3. 3
    Xaivius (Formerly Robpowell, Acolyte of His Majesty Lord Niel DeGrasse Tyson I)

    And now all I can see in my head is PZ running about like a naked Matryoshka doll going “WOOOOOOOOO NO GENITALIA!” I’m not sure how I feel about this. Other than my sides hurt from laughing. So, PZ, would you say this is better than the other Minnesota-Cabin-Fever cure of attempting to copulate with a snowbank? Definitely less frostbite, I would assume. But possibly more self-loathing. [muse, muse]

  4. 4
    Feminace, formerly Qurikythrope

    ManBoobz: for when I want to laugh and cry at the same time.

    Also, fuck you winter. Fuck you forever. *waves cast*

  5. 5
    WMDKitty -- Survivor

    I’m not big on the violence, but I’d make an exception for this Paul Elam guy.

  6. 6
    Rob

    Undercarriage fully retracted. He really is an angry unpleasant arsehole isn’t he?

  7. 7
    beardymcviking

    Err, No. Not going to do that to myself (the clicking and the reading, that is).

    Some things I can do without.

  8. 8
    Tony! The Queer Shoop

    No way.
    I am not reading that.
    Not touching that with a 10 inch…

  9. 9
    Moggie

    See, he’s not a misogynist: he likes almost all the parts of a woman! Except the brain, but that’s only around 1.5kg, so it hardly matters.

  10. 10
    Cornell

    Hey I’m still praying for second rate Scientists such as PZ Myers (who will bevirtually forgotten in 30 years) to buy introductory books in philosophy so they can stop looking like abject ignoramuses whilst criticizing prominent philosophers.

    This unwarranted emotional bad-mouthing is coming from a guy who committed to just hand-waving whilst being in the process of insulting one of the top epistemologists of our time that is Alvin Plantinga, (http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2009/05/29/alvin-plantinga-gives-philosop/)

    According to PZ who magically just became a great authority on the subjects of Epistemology and the Philosophy of Religion, we see that PZ Myers has ripped on Plantinga whilst forgetting that Alvin is highly respected by MANY philosophers in academia, but now Plantinga supposedly giving philosophy a bad name. Keep in mind that this criticism is coming from a LAYMAN philosopher in PZ Myers who really should stick to his own line of work.

    First off, this is an education for PZ Myers, as I will now show everyone how PZ doesn’t have a clue on what he is talking about, and why PZ ultimately argues with EMOTION which is the typical behavioir that one would see from the ‘naturedidit therefore Ima free-thinker now crowd’.

    As you can see Plantinga was ranked #7 for his field back in 2007 Hirsch survey:

    http://certaindoubts.com/?p=761

    Whilst being ranked #1 in the field that is the Philosophy of Religion, a branch of philosophy that PZ lives his life criticizing with village atheist sophomoric arguments that are easily dismissed in freshmen philosophy courses.

    http://prosblogion.ektopos.com/archives/2007/12/top-philosopher.html

    I know you are absolutely clueless when it comes to philosophical topics and rewards, but here we see Alvin Plantinga winning the Rescher Prize

    You will notice in the blog how it speaks of Plantinga’s massive success in his field such as:

    * he has served as President of the American Philosophical Association (Western Division)

    * he has delivered the Gifford Lectures in Scotland three times.

    * (left off another excellent feat, as it’s obvious PZ is has absolutely no respect for Theists or for people who disagree him on anything for that matter. I mean he can say he does all he wants, but actions speak louder than words, just ask Thunderf00t. (who destroyed your arguments by the way) Ahh I’ll post it anyways

    * President aof the Society of Christian Philosophers

    http://blog.independent.org/2013/02/02/alvin-planinga-receives-prestigious-rescher-prize/

    I take that having Over 100 Peer-reviewed articles in philosophy = a philosopher who gives a bad name to philosophy…right….

    (type in his name here on this link below) I’m even you village atheists can figure out how to do this

    http://philpapers.org/advanced.html

    Go ahead PZ, now it’s your chance!!! please diss Christian Philosophers and tell me how being president of something that is relevant to these academic philosophers are meaningless, please take shots at Richard Swinburne, Alex Pruss, Greg Ganssle, Timothy Mcgrew, Nicholas Wolterstorff, Peter VAn Inwagen, Eleanore Stump, C Stephen Layman, Micheal Rea, William Wainwright, Brain Davies, JP Moreland, John Hare, Brain Leftow, William Lane Craig, Dallas Willard, Keith Ward, Paul Moser, Edward Feser, William Alston, Linda Zagzebski, Charles Taliaferro, John Lennox, Mark Murphy, Robert Maydole and Robert Koons are all a bunch of scrubs. This would great for me to show others, please give me this satisifaction as I know it is possible that you are irrational enough and emotional enough to do it!

    I’d absolutely love it if PZ stepped into the ring with a rationalist and debated epistemology via a FORMAL setting, but it appears that PZ is all talk and no game. He likes to hide behind his blog, because of the FEAR of getting his hands dirty. Just a little mouse who is afraid to take on a Non-fundy Bible-Belt theist philosopher in an academic setting. I mean you attempt philosophy and theology all the time, I’m sure you and your excellent empiricist epistemology will do just fine!

    Honestly, you Village atheists truly crack me up, hopefully I’ll get to meet you one day in person at one of your organized non-stamp collecting conventions!

    In conclusion PZ Myers = Abject Ignoramus who argues with emotion, and I just showed how Alvin Plantinga > PZ Myers in virtually everything regarding academia.

    ty

  11. 11
    Xaivius (Formerly Robpowell, Acolyte of His Majesty Lord Niel DeGrasse Tyson I)

    Cornell@10

    Soooo, anti-anaphrodesiac then?

    I jest.

    So, you namedrop a bunch of prominent christian philosophers in a blatant appeal to authority, and conclude with a flounce. Please stop making philosophy look bad kthxbai.

  12. 12
    Jacob Schmidt

    …organized non-stamp collecting conventions!

    I think you’ve missed the point of the phrase “non stamp collecting”. Still, fun read.

  13. 13
    consciousness razor

    I’m just going to stick with drunkenly masturbating in the shower while walking in circles. It’s better than listening to Plantinga drone on about nonsense, usually less painful.

    By the way, Cornell, if you’re serious and when you get done with whatever it is you think you’re doing, would you tell me one good reason why I should believe in a god?

  14. 14
    leanmeansurvivalmachine

    I’d absolutely love it if PZ stepped into the ring wearing a squid costume and handed out ice cream and insults as deserved, but we can’t always get what we want, Cornell.

  15. 15
    Alex

    Cornell, Cornell, didn’t your sunday school teacher teach you that it is impolite to pull out other peoples’ whangs in public for purposes of comparison? Especially in a shrivelled member thread.

  16. 16
    Xaivius (Formerly Robpowell, Acolyte of His Majesty Lord Niel DeGrasse Tyson I)

    consciousness razor@13

    I’m just going to stick with drunkenly masturbating in the shower while walking in circles.

    Actually, I’m pretty sure this is what Cornell is doing…

  17. 17
    bargearse

    This is why I hate this place, I take a few seconds to sign in and refresh and I’m already beaten to the Cornell masturbation jokes. Shuffles off to sulk…

  18. 18
    Xaivius (Formerly Robpowell, Acolyte of His Majesty Lord Niel DeGrasse Tyson I)

    bargearse@17

    aww. :( there’s still probably something to be said about prominent placement of phalli on tables/counters/working surfaces, though!

  19. 19
    Asher Kay

    @Cornell

    Alvin Plantinga? Alvin Ooh-look-at-me-I-won-the-Rescher-Prize Plantinga?!?

    Shit, man. You’re aiming way too low. Let me intoduce you to a little guy I like to call… Thomas Aquinas.

    Thomas Aquinas “is considered the Church’s greatest theologian and philosopher.”

    BAM!

    Rescher Prize? Fucking Craker Jack Box junk. Here we see…

    Fucking CANONIZED!

    POW! You been SAINTED!!!

    Dude fucking proved god’s existence five totally separate ways! How many times did little Plantinga-monkey prove god’s existence?

    Oh, that’s right…. none times.

  20. 20
    Lofty

    Cornell, what a masterful wank-from-authority you did there, swoon.

  21. 21
    anuran

    Great. You’ve managed to partially reverse embryology. My testes are now up around my diaphragm, and my penis has turned inside out.

  22. 22
    glodson

    You know the usual solutions: cold showers, long walks, masturbation, alcohol. Or all four!

    At the same time?!

  23. 23
    michaelbusch

    I recently encountered something more scary than that.
    _
    Over at Love, Joy, Feminism, Libby Anne took apart a particularly offensive compilation of nonsense called ““The Atheist Case for Patriarchy”. In the comment thread, someone has shown up and stated – apparently without irony – that “you can’t get more feminist than Paul Elam”. I paraphrase, but you can read the whole thread yourselves: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2013/04/why-im-a-feminist-first.html

  24. 24
    WMDKitty -- Survivor

    Dammit, Tyrant al-Kalam, you owe me a five-nug (and almost owed me a new keyboard due to snotting all over when I choked on my hit.)

  25. 25
    Moggie

    A derail on an MRA thread? How unusual!

  26. 26
    Inaji

    Or better yet, as they join in with their “men can stop rape” bedfellows to twist and distort the natural inclinations of young men

    I have learned in life that my dick has a healthy agenda for humanity,

    Between his natural inclinations and his penis having an agenda, I think he’s pretty effective at turning off everyone on the planet.

  27. 27
    Inaji

    Cornell:

    I’m even you village atheists can figure out how to do this

    Well, at least we aren’t the collective village idiot who can’t even manage a proper sentence. I’m sure a hip, with it, philosophizin’, high thinking dude such as yourself would see the value in rules, so I am absolutely sure you wouldn’t want to break them by derailing a thread, right? See, what the intelligent philosopher would do would be to take this nonsense high falutin’ talk to Thunderdome.

  28. 28
    AshPlant

    Moggie @25: I’m pretty sure Cornell doesn’t have the foggiest idea what thread they’re in. Doesn’t really endear me to this Plantinga fellow. But at least it’s not an attempt at a derail. It’s just a mindless blurt (and I’m willing to bet it’s on this site more than once).

    On the other hand, if we’re going to judge people by the quality of their supporters, I note at least two ladies in here who can’t or won’t read PZ’s simple instructions in the OP. We don’t want them learning our secrets! D:

  29. 29
    mikeh

    Did the morphology of the Ken doll include the waistline, the shoulders, the limb proportions and the hair? If so, don’t think it’s such a bad deal, and I believe that there’s some money to be made here.

  30. 30
    theophontes (恶六六六缓步动物)

    @ Cornell

    TLDR; argumentum ad verecundiam

    We have a dedicated philosophy thread right here: Link to Thunderdome.

    If there is anything else you feel you need to get off your chest, feel free to comment there.

  31. 31
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    I feel like I should read the link (know your enemy and that) but… well, frankly I am terrified of what I’m going to find at the other end. “MRA erotica” makes me assume it’s some sort of ultra-violent pornography, but from the other comments on here it appears to be writing of some description.

    So, I guess what I’m asking is… is it safe for work?

  32. 32
    AshPlant

    thumper1990: it’s a manboobz article about the MRA spewings of one Paul Elam; the article frames it as Paul’s masturbatory fantasies, but really it’s just more wittering about what women…well, “fuckmuffins”…should be like. It’s NSFMinds more than anything. NSFBloodpressure. NSFHope. But SFW, assuming nobody’s reading real close.

  33. 33
    haitied

    Is Cornell trying to filibuster this thread? I’m not sure that’s how it works. . . . Anyhow I really didn’t know philosophy was a peer-reviewed science. . . . Especially when we are talking about philosophy used to try to prove god is real and is my superbuddybff. I hate to shit on much of a field of study but philosophic debates usually leave me wishing I hadn’t clicked the link. Call me whatever you want but so much of what I’ve seen is terrible excuses for logic and exercise in backwards science (Having a conclusion and doing mental gymnastics to try to prove it, with no evidence outside ones own brain) sorry no patience for that.

  34. 34
    carlie

    So he only likes women who are hot “fuckmuffins”.
    But he doesn’t really like them, because he wants women with a nice brain more.
    But he doesn’t really like them either, because no matter how conservative they are, they think that rape is bad.
    Therefore, all women are awful.

    And, as manboobz pointed out, he wrote that and signed his name to it and put it out there for everyone to see.

    Yeah.

  35. 35
    Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls

    This unwarranted emotional bad-mouthing is coming from a guy who committed to just hand-waving whilst being in the process of insulting one of the top epistemologists of our time that is Alvin Plantinga,

    Ah, the asshole who gets science (facts) wrong pretending he is proving god? Your hero is a fraud.

  36. 36
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    @Ashplant

    Thanks :)

    Well, that was… odd. He basically says “I like conventionally attractive women”, but in a drooling, perverted, waaaaay overly-detailed way, and then goes on a rant about how all women are shit and men oggling women is fine.

    I started out disgusted, then got angry, and now I actually feel a bit sorry for him. *puts on armchair psychologist’s hat* He’s angry because his perfect woman (which he drooled over at the start) won’t sleep with him, which makes him angry at women, which makes him less attractive to most women, which makes him more angry… it’s a vicious circle of anger and a deteriorating sex life. *removes armchair psychologist’s hat*.

    What a pathetic little man.

  37. 37
    Sam N

    For those who don’t seem to quite be getting it, Cornell is not derailing the thread, just engaging in some mental masturbation, quite relevant to the topic at hand.

  38. 38
    Illuminata, Genie in the Beer Bottle

    . . . Paul Elam, the Rapists’ Favorite Juror? I can imagine what his sexual fantasies would be like, being the big big fan of rape and misogyny that he is, so I really REALLY am not clicking that link.

  39. 39
    Anri

    In re Cornell:

    Just so you know, we’ve been asked by the host not to Poe.

    (We’ve also been asked by the host not to be fantastically stupid, which seems to be the only other reasonable explanation, so..)

  40. 40
    DLC

    From what I have heard, Alvin Plantinga is rountinely outdone in Theology by his cousins, Simon and Theodore.

  41. 41
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    please diss Christian Philosophers

    You just did.

  42. 42
    rotbib rotbib

    Ths wbst’s nt cncr prtcl s th rslt f 2 yr srch fr (ntrl) sbstnc tht wrks gnst cncr. Srchng fr ” hly grl” ( cncr cr), I cm p wth ths thry tht xplns hw ths cmpnds wrk gnst cncr:

    Qrctn s n ntxdnt. It ntrlzs fr rdcls. Whl dng s ths qrctn chngs t rdcl mlcl. Fr xmpl t ntrlzs 4 rdcl mlcls nd bcms rdcl mlcl wth 4 rdcls.
    Thn t stcks t DNA (cvlnt bndng). Bcs thr s n wtr prsnt thr, t stys rdcl mlcl.
    Whn cll dvds, wtr nrs ths mlcl s t rcts wth wtr csng OH rdcls kllng th cll.
    Nrml clls lwys rpr thr ntr DNA bfr cll dvsn, s th rdcl flvnd mlcl s rmvd. S nrml clls sty nhrmd.
    Cncr clls dvd bfr thy hv rprd thr ntr DNA, s thy d.
    S t’s ctlly bmb.
    A flvnd mlcl s lk bmb tht xplds f t’s nt rmvd bfr cll trs t dvd. Cncr clls tht dvd bfr rprtn d, bcs th bmb sn’t rmvd, s t xplds whn th cll trs t dvd. Nrml clls tht dvd ftr rprtn rmv th bmb s thy lv.
    Cncr clls tht d cmpltly rpr thr DNA bfr cll dvsn rn’t cncr clls nymr (thy r nrml clls) bcs thy hv t wt lng tm bfr cll dvsn.
    Nrml clls tht dd nt cmpltly rpr thr DNA bfr cll dvsn cn pss mttn dwn t dghtr clls.
    S flvnds kll nly cncr clls bt n nrml clls.
    It’s lk ths:
    Nrml cll -> cmpltly rprd -> flvnd bmb rmvd -> cll dvds nrml
    Cncr cll -> nt cmpltly rprd -> flvnd bmb dtnts -> cll klld whl t ws dvdng.
    Cncr cll tht cmpltly rprs = nrml cll.

    http://www.cncr.nf/

    [Peddle your cancer quackery elsewhere, please. On second thought, don't. --pzm]

  43. 43
    loopyj

    I am reminded of Bill Maher complaining on his show that he’s not benefiting from the supposed ‘sexual liberation’ of women (Yes, Bill, women are having more casual, NSA sex, they’re just not having it with you). Simply put, Paul Elam is pissed off that feminism has told ‘fuckmuffins’ that they are actually full human beings and not just sexual playthings for men. He hates feminist sexual liberation because he thinks it’s supposed to mean that he should be getting all the NSA blowjobs he feels entitled to, and it’s not turned out that way. He hates prudishness, but he hates promiscuity more (doesn’t like women who say no, doesn’t like women who say yes to men who aren’t him). He hates it when women are narcissistic and self-absorbed, because that’s his job. He claims that he likes “those fuckmuffins [who] are sexually liberated and adventurous; when they like to please and be pleased,” but notice here that he’s not talking about pleasing women, he’s talking about ‘fuckmuffins’, the same fuckmuffins who he’s happy to ‘kick to the curb’ if they show signs of being more than just fuckmuffins. He hates ‘sex-positive feminism’ because his needs aren’t being strictly focused on. How dare feminism encourage female sexuality and tell women that their own needs matter too! Mostly he just hates women and you can see this in the way he ties himself into knots because he hates them so much but he wants them so much.

  44. 44
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    So flavonoids kill only cancer cells but no normal cells.

    Ummmmmm flavonoids.

    They go well with beer.

  45. 45
    No One

    Cornhole is at it again I see, trying to windbag a god into existence.

  46. 46
    PZ Myers

    This is not a derail. Cornell is perfectly on topic. He saw a thread about an ignorant doucheturd, and he immediately thought, “Aha! This is where I can finally post my ranty defense of my favorite fuckmuffin, Alvin Plantinga!” And lo, he was correct.

  47. 47
    Gretchen

    Asher Kay @19, you made me guffaw at work. Well done.

    Plantinga was discussed, and ripped apart, in my junior year philosophy of religion class in college. Now, we were not a bunch of geniuses or anything– I’m sure we were far from the only philosophy of religion class to do so. For all I know, every philosophy of religion class has done this. I sure hope so, actually.

    However, one thing I also know for a fact is that no amount of shredding will ever stop someone like Plantinga. The only thing that will stop him is if people stop listening, and people who are aware enough to understand that faith is no reason to believe in God but not canny enough to understand that logic doesn’t support it either will always listen. They’re like a built-in audience for theodicy.

    They just don’t understand that non-believers don’t give a damn, because that bullshit can be refuted by a junior year phil of rel student.

  48. 48
    erikthebassist

    Wow the kooks are out in force in this thread.

  49. 49
    Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    For those who don’t have time to read the link, I summarize it thus:

    WANT BUT HATE BUT WANT BUT HATE BUT WANT BUT HATE

  50. 50
    No One

    @49

    I think it’s called a Madonna Whore Complex.

  51. 51
    ChasCPeterson

    I’m sorely tempted to chime in with a three-screener about, like, why I don’t like celery or something.

  52. 52
    David Marjanović

    According to PZ who magically just became a great authority on the subjects of Epistemology and the Philosophy of Religion, we see that PZ Myers has ripped on Plantinga whilst forgetting that Alvin is highly respected by MANY philosophers in academia, but now Plantinga supposedly giving philosophy a bad name. Keep in mind that this criticism is coming from a LAYMAN philosopher in PZ Myers who really should stick to his own line of work.

    Wow. This is probably the purest example of an argument from authority I’ve ever seen. Might as well be the Platonic ideal.

    As you can see Plantinga was ranked #7 for his field back in 2007 Hirsch survey:

    Ranked?

    Fucking ranked?!?

    :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

    Pray, tell me the objective criteria by which this *giggle* ranking was done.

    For comparison, nobody has ranked scientists since Linnaeus ranked his fellow botanists (with himself at the top, as “prince”) in the early 18th century. *chortle*

    Thomas Aquinas “is considered the Church’s greatest theologian and philosopher.”

    And “the angelic teacher” (doctor angelicus).

    Oh, that’s right…. none times.

    (Just like Thomas Aquinas.)

    Cornhole is at it again I see, trying to windbag a god into existence.

    Heh. :-)

    This is not a derail. Cornell is perfectly on topic. He saw a thread about an ignorant doucheturd, and he immediately thought, “Aha! This is where I can finally post my ranty defense of my favorite fuckmuffin, Alvin Plantinga!” And lo, he was correct.

    PZ, winning threads on your own blog is not fair!

    Ummmmmm flavonoids.

    They go well with beer.

    They’re already contained, however, in red wine.

    And in chocolate.

  53. 53
    David Marjanović

    I think it’s called a Madonna Whore Complex.

    Exactly.

  54. 54
    leftwingfox

    “my favorite fuckmuffin, Alvin Plantinga!”

    …fuckmuffin is going to be the next “cupcake”, isn’t it?

  55. 55
    zhuge, le homme blanc qui ne sait rien mais voudrait

    I did not expect it from the original post, but lothis is fast becoming my favourite thread ever. I love you Horde folk so much.

  56. 56
    PZ Myers

    I hate celery, too, so please do. I need the arguments for when my wife finally does get home.

    I’m growing very fond of “fuckmuffin”, too, but in an ironic sense. It’s nicely complementary to “studmuffin”. It does have me wondering if Paul Elam gets aroused in bakeries, though.

  57. 57
    ChasCPeterson

    Cornell:

    Keep in mind that this criticism is coming from a LAYMAN philosopher in PZ Myers who really should stick to his own line of work.

    please take shots at Richard Swinburne, Alex Pruss, Greg Ganssle, Timothy Mcgrew, Nicholas Wolterstorff, Peter VAn Inwagen, Eleanore Stump, C Stephen Layman, Micheal Rea, William Wainwright, Brain Davies, JP Moreland, John Hare, Brain Leftow, William Lane Craig, Dallas Willard, Keith Ward, Paul Moser, Edward Feser, William Alston, Linda Zagzebski, Charles Taliaferro, John Lennox, Mark Murphy, Robert Maydole and Robert Koons are all a bunch of scrubs.

    (my emphasis)

    The possibility occurs to me that Cornell and the cancerquack guy chose this particular thread to post in because it was explicitly directed to “the gentlemen in the audience only”.

  58. 58
    Rawnaeris, Lulu Cthulhu

    Bwhahaha, a “Christan Philosopher” wank and a disemvoweled post?

    Please let this thread continue to be amusing, I need it today.

  59. 59
    frog

    Glodson @22: Of course you can do all 4 at the same time! It helps if you have a shower that’s more than just a stall (a shower-in-the-bathtub arrangement is large enough to pace in), and I recommend you put the alcohol in a squeeze bottle so it doesn’t get water in it. Beer in a can or bottle might work if you have a towel rack at the far end of the tub to prop it on.

    ——–

    I can’t go on at length about the evils of celery, because I’m not a philosopher and therefore never learned how to natter incomprehensibly for hours at a time. I can sum up my dislike in 4 words: “Threads between my teeth.”

  60. 60
    freemage

    “Laugh and cry at the same time” is a pretty good description of what we do at Manboobz (author’s subtitle is: Misogyny, I mock it). We get some interesting trolls, too. We had one recently who insisted he wasn’t a misogynist, he just hated women. Yes, he said it exactly like that. The regulars like to bat a troll around like a pinata until they melt down in rage, and get themselves banned.

  61. 61
    Asher Kay

    @Gretchen

    you made me guffaw at work. Well done.

    I’m glad I amused someone other than myself ;).

    @David Marjanović

    (Just like Thomas Aquinas.)

    You know someone who’s never read Thomas Aquinas?

    Chuck Norris

    You know why?

    Afraid.

  62. 62
    PZ Myers

    The possibility occurs to me that Cornell and the cancerquack guy chose this particular thread to post in because it was explicitly directed to “the gentlemen in the audience only”.

    Oh. I hadn’t thought of that, but it certainly makes sense.

    They thought they’d be safe from the critical faculties of those damned uppity women…but I notice that despite my warning, the ladies went ahead and crashed my manly thread and are poisoning it with feminine derision and contempt.

  63. 63
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    The possibility occurs to me that Cornell and the cancerquack guy chose this particular thread to post in because it was explicitly directed to “the gentlemen in the audience only”.

    I guess we should be expecting some “enhancement” spam.

  64. 64
    Gretchen

    Feminine Derision is my Violent Femmes cover band.

  65. 65
    Rawnaeris, Lulu Cthulhu

    They thought they’d be safe from the critical faculties of those damned uppity women…but I notice that despite my warning, the ladies went ahead and crashed my manly thread and are poisoning it with feminine derision and contempt.

    Of course we are. “Don’t read this” equals “I’ve posted something that will either make you laugh or cry.”

    Had to find out which one, didn’t I?

  66. 66
    PZ Myers

    OK, then, which one is it?

  67. 67
    Rawnaeris, Lulu Cthulhu

    Both. Cry from the OP. and cackling from the thread.

    Quite difficult to do both, by the way.

  68. 68
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    *wipes tears from eyes*

    I’m fucking loving this thread :D

  69. 69
    opposablethumbs

    The regulars like to bat a troll around like a piñata until they melt down in rage, and get themselves banned.

    Now where have I been on a site that works kind of like this … yup, sounds good! :-D

  70. 70
    Numenaster

    PZ groused:

    crashed my manly thread and are poisoning it with feminine derision and contempt.

    The Uppity Ladies of Pharyngula(TM) are not responsible for the thread’s lack of poison resistance or crash-proofitude. We will gleefully take advantage of these facts, but we didn’t create them.

  71. 71
    PZ Myers

    Crying and cackling at the same time is easy. Just call it “crackling”.

    You do realize that Paul Elam would definitely find fuckmuffins who crackle deeply unattractive, right? It might be a good defense.

  72. 72
    Argle Bargle

    Isn’t Plantinga the guy who used his ignorance of evolution to argue against naturalism?

  73. 73
    UnknownEric the Apostate

    Okay, okay, let me try to get this straight… so Alvin Plantinga gave Paul Elam a boner when he talked about cancer and celery from a layman’s perspective? And then Thomas Aquinas and Chuck Norris hit a pinata filled with rankings of philosophers?

    I’m dazed and confuzzled.

    /sarcasm

  74. 74
    PZ Myers

    The law of unintended consequences strikes again. Creating a website that attracts Uppity Ladies and Manginas both means we poor menz are going to be constantly browbeaten and oppressed. Especially when our testicles have ascended into our abdomens and our testosterone has been magically converted into estrogen by the power of AVoiceForMen.

  75. 75
    chigau (違う)

    There are no women on Pharyngula.
    Guess what clip?

  76. 76
    Moggie

    Cornell was best known for his glass-fronted boxes, in which he arranged simple found objects. I’ve seen some of these, and found them surprisingly moving and covetable. He had a real talent for turning bric-a-brac into a kind of condensed nostalgia. What he didn’t have a talent for was teh ladeez: he loved women, but was intensely shy, too much so for successful romantic intimacy, and it’s likely he died a virgin. I can see why his shade might be attracted to a gentlemen-only thread.

  77. 77
    David Marjanović

    Celery, as opposed to celeriac: not food. In small quantities in soup, it’s edible, but I don’t quite see the point.

    please take shots at Richard Swinburne

    …Isn’t that the bafflingly stupid one? I can’t look him up right now.

    You know someone who’s never read Thomas Aquinas?

    Chuck Norris

    You know why?

    Afraid.

    *backs away slowly*

    …bbbbbut Chuck Norris doesn’t read books anyway. He just stares at them till they give him the information they want.

    Isn’t Plantinga the guy who used his ignorance of evolution to argue against naturalism?

    Yes.

  78. 78
    Rawnaeris, Lulu Cthulhu

    Dammit PZ, it’s a good thing I’m working from home today, or I’d be causing one hell of a crackling disruption…..nope crackling doesn’t work for me. To much Starcraft weight behind the term. I keep picturing zergling shaped tears.

    My sides hurt. Too much condensed laughter.

  79. 79
    Rich Woods

    @PZ #62:

    They thought they’d be safe from the critical faculties of those damned uppity women…but I notice that despite my warning, the ladies went ahead and crashed my manly thread and are poisoning it with feminine derision and contempt.

    Well of course the ladies had to look. They were curious and decided to ignore your warning. It’s apples all over again.

  80. 80
    Woo_Monster, Sniffer of Starfarts

    Yes, funny thread. Good job, horde, but you don’t get all the credit. By far the most humorous post was Cornell’s shameless sank. This,

    According to PZ who magically just became a great authority on the subjects of Epistemology and the Philosophy of Religion, we see that PZ Myers has ripped on Plantinga whilst forgetting that Alvin is highly respected by MANY philosophers in academia, but now Plantinga supposedly giving philosophy a bad name.

    is comedy gold.

    Also, where the hell did this (below) come from?

    I mean he can say he does all he wants, but actions speak louder than words, just ask Thunderf00t. (who destroyed your arguments by the way)

    ***

    Also, forget celery. It is too bland to even dislike intensely. Cucumbers taste awful though. A blueberry fuckmuffin sounds tasty right now.

  81. 81
    AshPlant

    Closest thing I’ve ever had to a fuckmuffin is a custard doughnut. I wonder where our backwards male finds his?
    Although Krispy Kreme finally made it to my city…do they stock fuckmuffins?

  82. 82
    Jadehawk

    the top epistemologists of our time that is Alvin Planting

    ROTFLMAO

    “The Atheist Case for Patriarchy”

    0.o

    “you can’t get more feminist than Paul Elam”

    *barf*

    The Uppity Ladies of Pharyngula(TM) are not responsible for the thread’s lack of poison resistance

    QFT. Serves PZ right for forgetting to re-stock on poison-resistance buffs and/or potions

  83. 83
    michaelbusch

    @Jadehawk @82:

    That was approximately my reaction to that one.

  84. 84
    PZ Myers

    Serves PZ right for forgetting to re-stock on poison-resistance buffs and/or potions

    HEY! I’m DPS. I expect the healers to dispel and heal. Not my job.

    And don’t nag me to stop standing in the fire.

  85. 85
    michaelbusch

    @PZ:

    Hang on. If you’re DPS, who’s tanking?

  86. 86
    rr

    …one of the top epistemologists of our time that is Alvin Plantinga,

    I bet Plantinga’s imaginary friend is way more learned and sophisticated than Cornell’s imaginary friend.

  87. 87
    NightShadeQueen, resident nutcase

    @michaelbusch

    Don’t need tanks when there’s so many trolls showing up.

    Hey, those can be used as cannon fodder, right?

  88. 88
    Woo_Monster, Sniffer of Starfarts

    Don’t need tanks when there’s so many trolls showing up.

    I thought ents were the counter-troll.*

    *Yes, I know trolls were created in mockery of the more powerful ends.

  89. 89
    Xaivius (Formerly Robpowell, Acolyte of His Majesty Lord Niel DeGrasse Tyson I)

    michaelbusch

    Hang on. If you’re DPS, who’s tanking?

    PZ is hybrid tank DPS, with a dash of Leeroy Jenkins. Hermant is heals, Ophelia is other DPS. Dawkins is Main tank, with Rebecca Watson occasionally kite tanking.

  90. 90
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    *Yes, I know trolls were created in mockery of the more powerful ends.

    No wonder all the ones we get are pathetic asses.

  91. 91
    Thomathy, Such A 'Mo

    Wait.

    I have a very important question.

    Does this work on gay men?

  92. 92
    ChasCPeterson

    fuckmuffin

    Updating the pastry-based metaphor of ‘jelly roll’?

  93. 93
    Moggie

    Top epistemologists? Why am I thinking of the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark?

  94. 94
    myeck waters

    AshPlant

    Closest thing I’ve ever had to a fuckmuffin is a custard doughnut.

    If you’ve ever seen how they get the custard in, you’d know how accurate that is.

  95. 95
    Stacy

    @PZ

    I hate celery, too, so please do. I need the arguments for when my wife finally does get home.

    You might employ some of the points contained in Mallory Ortberg’s diatribe:

    http://gawker.com/5979229/

  96. 96
    carlie

    Stacy, that was brilliant.

  97. 97
    Stacy

    Heh, carlie, I agree. I harbor no particular animus for celery myself, but that little piece is mighty entertaining.

  98. 98
    ChasCPeterson

    not often I can say it honestly, but LOL.
    In fact, my gut is now busted.
    That was pretty funny. I’ve always hated celery.

    Also: mushrooms, mayonnaise, olives. NO THANK YOU.

  99. 99
    caseyboucher

    Wow. After following the links to the original post, I’m vacillating between laughing uncontrollably and wanting to sincerely apologize to every person I’ve ever slept with.

    Paul Elam is an embarrassment to the Y chromosome. He brings delightfully-amusing shame onto us all.

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