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Apr 02 2013

You’re letting me down, atheists

I’ve never been surprised at a conference by anything like this: Ken Ham got a certificate for fighting the “principalities and powers of darkness.”

He [the creationist with the award] told the conference audience gathered at Quentin Road Bible Baptist Church that his creation group, Midwest Creation Fellowship, had passed a resolution—which they called a “spiritual bouquet.” In the resolution, it stated that because the “principalities and powers of darkness have captured the minds of many in our society, and whereas Ken Ham left his homeland of Australia to confront the forces arrayed against God and His Word,” I was being acknowledged by the MCF.

OK, gang, in order to keep up, I’m expecting an award from you guys for combat against fictitious beings. Maybe a “wrestling with mermaids” framed certificate, or a shiny medallion that praises my competence at squishing angels. We have a spiritual award gap here, people!

41 comments

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  1. 1
    badgersdaughter

    If you want a spiritual award, Professor, you are asking the wrong bunch of heathens. :)

  2. 2
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    I Googled “Atheist-in-Chief Certificate”, for something to give to PZ, and got a page full of images of Obama’s “faked” Birth certificate.

    FFS…

  3. 3
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    Leprechaun thumping

  4. 4
    Worldtraveller

    Have you won a Friend of Darwin Award yet?

  5. 5
    hexidecima

    how much you want to bet that those given the award have no idea what “principalities” really are in their bible?

    I think a nice shiny certificate of thinkology and perhaps a medal for chubacapbara wrangling.

  6. 6
    Snoof

    If you want your Ghost Buster certification, you’ll need to pass the following courses:

    * Proton Pack Handling (The mandatory essay is Why Crossing The Streams Is A Bad Idea.)
    * Nuclear Accelerator Maintenance for Dummies (The final exam is a practical. Wear lead underwear.)
    * Psychokinetic Energy Meter Reading (A pretty easy subject, now we’ve converted to metric units. Remember, if you get past milliCarries, you need to look for cover quickly.)
    * Correct Ghost Trap Use (If you look into the trap, you fail the course. And possibly end up institutionalized.)
    * The Uses of Zener Cards (Tip: They’re mostly good for picking up impressionable young undergrads.)
    * Tobin’s Spirit Guide: An Analysis (Absolutely vital. Make sure you do all the assigned readings.)
    * Hearse Driving (Take the defensive driving option. You’ll need it.)

    Once you’ve completed the courses, send in a copy of your academic transcript and your certificate should arrive in six to eight weeks!

  7. 7
    robro

    First it was samwiches. Now it’s shiny medals and accolades. What’s next? Cathedrals and manses? White albs and red slippers? Cars? Minnesota state funding your Anti-Creationist museum?

    So, Ken Ham had to come to the US from Australia to battle the forces “arrayed against God and his word?” Is that because those forces aren’t in Australia? Perhaps they left when the Ham-ster moved here. (Suggested amendment for the Immigration Reform Act: No more preachers. We’re loaded up on them around here and they are useless.)

  8. 8
    hexidecima

    oh and being curious I wondered what the heck a “spiritual bouquet” was. “a card notifying the recipient of a number of devotional acts performed by a Roman Catholic on behalf of a person on special occasions (as name days or anniversaries) or for the soul of someone recently deceased especially as an expression of sympathy”

    Hmmm, and it seems that Baptists are claiming somethign that those papists do as their own!

  9. 9
    clayhale

    The Right Reverend BigDumbChimp beat me to my first idea which was for valiantly driving the leprechauns from Ireland. So:

    Whereas PZ Myers left his home to confront the darkness blighting the hearts of the nations, and whereas he has tamed the Unicorn, conquered the Jackalope, smited the Chupacabra and tweaked the nose of the Sasquatch, you are awarded a spiritual coat of arms consisting of Atheist Rampant quartered with Caller of Bullshit with the motto temere biologicum eiaculationes

  10. 10
    Gregory in Seattle

    @clayhale #9 – Smote, not smited.

    How about a certificate for your work in preserving the habitat of the Pacific Northwest tree octopus and keeping the endangered animal from going extinct?

  11. 11
    Ron Sullivan

    Hexidecima beat me to it up there in #8. In My Day, a spiritual bouquet was just what that source said, and Oh My God* am I having grade-school flashbacks right now. Catholic grade-school flashbacks. I haven’t even thought of that expression in yearsandyears.

    Or, as we used to say, in saecula saeculorum, which was somewhat less than secular.

    PZ, how about a nice T-shirt?

    Babtists? Babtists are doing spiritual bouquets now? WTH are they going to grab next, rosaries?

    *except for the God part

  12. 12
    grumpyoldfart

    Ken Ham left his homeland of Australia to confront the forces arrayed against God and His Word

    That’s one theory.

    Another theory says that the limited number of Creationists in Australia meant that Ham’s income was limited to hundreds of thousands of dollars, so he went to America where the large pool of gullible suckers practically guaranteed an income measured in the millions.

  13. 13
    rnilsson

    But never forget, PZ, that you have already won the eternal spiritual award as a qwack soldier for wrestling teh qwacker, b-nana peel, coffee grinds and some random paper stuff &c into oblivion once and for all.

    Oh wait. Oblivion means forgetness? Sorry, it must have slipped my mind somehow. Well then, carri on. You’ll likely nail it again.

  14. 14
    cartomancer

    The only one worth the candle is Chief Phoenix Exterminator. Those things take some serious exterminatin’.

  15. 15
    Inaji

    The first tentacle bouquet I see is yours, PZ! Not for doing battle though, but for patiently hosting a place for those of us who need a place to plant our sniny fangs.

  16. 16
    nathanieltagg

    Surely you should be fighting FOR the principalities and powers of darkness.

    Perhaps even for the states and countries of darkness!

  17. 17
    Lynna, OM

    Dear Poopyhead in Chief. We offer you our respect … most of the time. Some of us offer you our love … but they are the stalkers, so run like hell.

    I believe the military hands out Certificates of Worthiness, as do mormons (in the way of Temple Recommends). We could perhaps get you the military version, you having done battle and all.

    Your dungeon might be worthy of an award or two: Excellence in Dungeon Maintenance.

  18. 18
    rowanvt

    How’s this for a fight?

    Many years ago, when I was active in the online otherkin community, I managed to badly piss someone off. This was because I dared to dispute that he created his own orange-colored pocket-dimension in the astral that was named 64, and could heal you from fights with demons! And he had 40 astral dragons as his mates and they let him do things like psychics do, such as remote viewing. So I set him a challenge for his astral mates and he consistently dodged it and declared that his mates were in contact with my dragon-self without me knowing and that my dragon-self was very disappointed in me.

    I laughed at him, and so he sent an entire army of astral dragons to kill me! The astral army never arrived, though. I think they might have gotten lost. :/

    I’ve also dodged death-spells, and the threats from an incarnated godling!

    I do NOT miss the level of crazy that surrounded me from that time, and most of those people hated me because I was still rather into using logic and emphasizing we couldn’t prove any of what we believed so we should tread cautiously before making ridiculous claims.

  19. 19
    andrewscott

    Perhaps there’s an award for releasing the Kraken?

  20. 20
    okstop

    Well, tell you what, PZ: you come sit in on a run-through of “Against the Giants” (G1-3) and I’ll have little certificates printed up for Best Damage-to-Swing Ratio, Most Giants Killed, Most Giants Killed without the Use of Area-Effect Spells… the whole she-bang. Earning them will be up to you, though, sir! We do not coddle players at my table!

  21. 21
    cyberCMDR

    How about :
    Principalities and powers of ignorance and superstition have captured the minds of many in our society, and whereas PZ left his campus in Minnesota both in virtual form and to many conferences to confront the forces arrayed against science and logic, PZ is awarded this (virtual) token of recognition by his Horde.

  22. 22
    cyberCMDR

    Oh, and the squid bouquet is in the mail…

  23. 23
    Freodin

    How could an award for fighting against fictuous beings compete with that? The “powers” that Ken Ham is said to “battle” are very real.

    When they talk about “principalities and powers of darkness have captured the minds of many in our society”… they mean YOU, PZ.

    If you deserve any award, it is one for doing a good job!

  24. 24
    UnknownEric the Apostate

    PZ Myers is the lone reason we’re not currently being overrun by a mob of rampaging griffins.

  25. 25
    Ichthyic

    Ken Ham left his homeland of Australia to confront the forces arrayed against God

    yeah, sure he did.

    I wonder if any of these suckers even know Ken Ham successfully sued his old cronies at ICR for branding money?

  26. 26
    Irène Delse, on dry land among seabirds

    Wait, this blog is not already part of the curriculum for the Defense Against Dark Arts certificate of Arkham’s Miskatonic University?

  27. 27
    Ichthyic

    Oblivion means forgetness? Sorry, it must have slipped my mind somehow.

    your mind definitely seems to have slipped.

  28. 28
    d.f.manno

    @hexidecima (#8):

    oh and being curious I wondered what the heck a “spiritual bouquet” was. “a card notifying the recipient of a number of devotional acts performed by a Roman Catholic on behalf of a person on special occasions (as name days or anniversaries) or for the soul of someone recently deceased especially as an expression of sympathy”

    IOW, a Mass card. Catholics buy these cards on behalf of the recently deceased. The card pledges that a certain number of Masses will be said for the deceased (the more you paid for the card, the more Masses would be said). If the deceased person were in Purgatory, each Mass said for her would move her that much closer to Heaven. (I’m not sure what happened if she were in Heaven or Hell.)

  29. 29
    cyberCMDR

    Hmmm. If we got together to criticize Christianity, would it be a critical Mass?

  30. 30
    tigtog

    The card pledges that a certain number of Masses will be said for the deceased (the more you paid for the card, the more Masses would be said). If the deceased person were in Purgatory, each Mass said for her would move her that much closer to Heaven. (I’m not sure what happened if she were in Heaven or Hell.)

    If she’s in Heaven, she gets to allocate these Masses as bonus points to the souls of her choice who are still in Purgatory?
    If she’s in Hell, the Masses go into the general Excursion and Picnic Day Fund for all the souls in Heaven who are waiting for their turn to smugly view the souls in torment in the depths of Hell?

  31. 31
    abbeycadabra

    Here you go, Professor. One award. http://i.imgur.com/jTzNYQ6.jpg

  32. 32
    brazenlucidity

    Well, obviously the award should be The Golden Cracker. If I still had access to my metal casting equipment I’d whip you up one, complete with embedded nail. Not real gold of course, but you get the idea. Maybe another artist here can hook you up. I’m thinking pendant.

  33. 33
    robster

    There must have been a failure somewhere along the line of Australian homosapien evolution. Look what popped out some time back, Ken (the) Ham. Is this man not proof that while breathtaking and mostly successful, sometimes abnormalities emerge through natural selection that make one sit up and think that perhaps nature made the wrong selection in the case of Mr. Ham. Suppose expecting perfection is way too much.

  34. 34
    Rey Fox

    which they called a “spiritual bouquet.”

    Ha ha ha! Spirits on dowels!

    (please somebody get that)

  35. 35
    Akira MacKenzie

    Rey Fox @ 34

    Ha Haaaa! Dangly parts!

  36. 36
    mikecline

    PZ, The test for the award, have you not done the thing you haven’t done more than the other guy hasn’t done the thing he hasn’t done?

  37. 37
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    @mikecline

    Thanks Mike, I’ve gone cross eyed trying to work that out…

  38. 38
    blf

    I believe poopyhead has his very own step on the Path of Good Intentions, direction Hades. Look for step labeled “Meyers”. It has an engraved squid with binocular vision and thousands of tentacles.

  39. 39
    DLC

    uh, P. Easy Mayers wants an award. . . lemme check the footlocker.

    Prize MRA cookie ? Nah. stale and leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
    Prize Booby of Evolution ? Now that’s something. Darwin created the first one.
    Poopyhead of the Year Plaque ? Could do, but he got that one last year.
    False Idol of the Golden Squid ? Jeebus knows there’s been plenty of Idolatry around here.
    Empty Johnny Walker Black Bottle of Distinction ? There’s a hitch in that.
    Well let me know if any of these interest you, and I’ll send them out your USB port as soon as possible.

  40. 40
    Cynickal

    What Greg in Seattle @10 said.

    Personally, I just received my “I survived Elevatorgate and all I got was this lousy t-shirt”

  41. 41
    konradzielinski

    Just a quick note from an Australian,

    we don’t want Ken back, please keep him.

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