Quantcast

«

»

Mar 31 2013

‘Dude, trust me; you do NOT want to go in there.’

Caption this photo.

902448_10152689856580313_534551497_o

246 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. 1
    Blake Stacey

    “Mine eyes have seen the glory hole becoming of the Lord … He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword…”

  2. 2
    Argle Bargle

    My robes become dazzling white with new Miracle® detergent.

  3. 3
  4. 4
    ChasCPeterson

    When you ain’t got nothing, you’ve got nothing to lose
    You’re invisible now, you’ve got no secrets to conceal.
    How does it feel (x2)
    To be without a home
    Like a complete unknown
    By a rolling stone?

  5. 5
    Anri

    “Jesus? Do I look like someone from around here to you?

  6. 6
    WMDKitty -- Survivor

    Still not a ginger. Oh well, at least the chameleon circuit is working this time.

  7. 7
    chigau (違う)

    Oh my head.
    I’m never drinking Judas’s wine again.
    Why am I wearing a kimono?

  8. 8
    PZ Myers

    “Clear! No ragheads hiding in this cave! But bring in the flamethrower to be sure.”

  9. 9
    JamesY2

    John, I told you not to let me sleep until noon again…

  10. 10
    autumn

    I remember partying with the gang, made a bad joke about the wine being blood. . . And now where the hell am I?

    Peter was right, Jerusalem is a fucking awesome city!

  11. 11
    Reptile Dysfunction

    “Call for Mr. Indiana Jones?
    Mr. Jones?”

  12. 12
    Pierce R. Butler

    This artist hasn’t read the story: Zombie Jesus rolled that rock away – and stalked out (of the hole where they’d dumped his carcass about 36 hours before) upon the unsuspecting city of Jerusalem – before the sun came up.

    I’ve drawn an exquisitely detailed, biblically-correct miniature of the scene here: •

  13. 13
    Rob Grigjanis

    Don’t let the stone hit your arse on the way out.

  14. 14
    carlie

    Bio-Dome: the prequel.

  15. 15
    Inaji

    “See? I told you that con would be easy to pull off. Just have to hide for a day or two before heading home.”

  16. 16
    Rip Steakface

    “Finally managed to crawl out of that dungeon. Let’s check what new gear I’ve picked up…”

  17. 17
    moarscienceplz

    “THREE DAYS and still no paramedics!”

  18. 18
    Goodbye Enemy Janine

    Smells like something crawled up my ass and died.

  19. 19
    moarscienceplz

    “I’m sorry sir, we are out of the ’25 Lambrusco, but we do have an excellent Chianti.”

  20. 20
    moarscienceplz

    “Is it stalagmites or stalactites that hang from the ceiling?”

  21. 21
    robro

    “Excuse me, guys, but I’m going to the loo. I’ll be out in a few millennia.”

  22. 22
    timothya1956

    Three days I’ve been gone and you clowns can’t invent an axle?

  23. 23
    Susannah

    “What a dump! They even stole my sandals!”

  24. 24
    Chris Clarke

    “Dopey dopey doh… aw, fuck: my shadow. Six more millennia of patriarchy, everybody.”

  25. 25
    Jonathan Hartley

    “WTF? I went in as a Palestinian Jew and came out as a white European Christian”.

  26. 26
    Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought

    “I’m the champion of hide and go seek, LOSERS! “

  27. 27
    PZ Myers

    Breaks into song:

    The sun on the meadow is summery warm
    The stag in the forest runs free
    But gathered together to greet the storm
    Tomorrow belongs to me

    The branch on the linden is leafy and green
    The Rhine gives its gold to the sea (Gold to the sea)
    But somewhere a glory awaits unseen
    Tomorrow belongs to me

    Now Fatherland, Fatherland, show us the sign
    Your children have waited to see
    The morning will come
    When the world is mine
    Tomorrow belongs to me
    Tomorrow belongs to me
    Tomorrow belongs to me
    Tomorrow belongs to me

  28. 28
    Hammer of dog

    [voice of god]“Um.. son.. this is kind of embarrassing… but could you do that whole passion thing again? I forgot to put film in the camera.”

  29. 29
    Inaji

    Jonathan Hartley:

    “WTF? I went in as a Palestinian Jew and came out as a white European Christian”.

    Hahahahahahahaha.

  30. 30
    chigau (違う)

    PZ
    tsk
    Really early in the thread for a Godwin.

  31. 31
    Inaji

    “The hills are aliiiiiiiiiive with sound of…”

    *runs away*

  32. 32
    R Johnston

    I will use my mighty power of time travel to make a fortune selling bleach and razor blades to ancient two-bit hustlers! What could go wrong with that plan?

  33. 33
    Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought

    “The hills are aliiiiiiiiiive with sound of…”

    *shudder*

  34. 34
    Inaji

    Beatrice:

    *shudder*

    :points finger: PZ started it!

  35. 35
    Carlos Cabanita

    Today, I overheard a comment from a Portuguese woman while seeing the TV series ‘The Bible’: Oh this Jesus is so handsome! And he is even a Portuguese boy!

  36. 36
    dobby

    “OK, you are supposed to yell ‘April fool’ now.”

  37. 37
    Chris Clarke

    “Bloody hell. That obnoxious white dove is hogging the feeder again.”

  38. 38
    Inaji

    Carlos:

    Today, I overheard a comment from a Portuguese woman while seeing the TV series ‘The Bible’: Oh this Jesus is so handsome! And he is even a Portuguese boy!

    :laughs: Priceless.

  39. 39
    No One

    “Ha ha, very funny… *fucking apostles*”

  40. 40
    Abu Iksander

    “Not many people know what their life’s worth is. I do. Seventy grand. That’s what they took from me. And that’s what I was going to get back.”

  41. 41
    Inaji

    No One:

    “Ha ha, very funny… *fucking apostles*”

    Hahahahaha. Have a cookie.

  42. 42
    Abu Iksander

    “You’d think after three days of lying on my back, I would have given up any idea of getting even, just be a nice guy and call it a day. Nice guys are fine: you have to have somebody to take advantage of… but they always finish last.”

  43. 43
    pacal

    Jesus: “That was some weekend!!”

  44. 44
    Alex the Pretty Good

    Got hammered two days ago, only wakes up now.
    Truly a Great Friday.

  45. 45
    Inaji

    Abu Iksander, either you have some rather serious issues or you’re just really bad at this captioning stuff.

  46. 46
    broboxley OT

    Okay boss, I hid the golden plates now what?

  47. 47
    DonDueed

    “What brain-dead hobbit designed a ROUND door for a rectangular doorway?”

  48. 48
    Larry Poppins

    Kenny Loggins ruins Easter

  49. 49
    carlie

    All at once I’ve had enough
    As if I’m made of sterner stuff
    I take a breath and open up the door
    Dawn breaks hard and falls on me
    For just one moment I can see
    The pale blue sky
    I close my eyes because
    The world’s so bright and beautiful I have to look away
    Braced against the beauty of another perfect day
    As I go to pieces and the breeze blows me away
    One more blue sunny day…

  50. 50
    cag

    Billy Jesus here for Michael Jackson Miracle Whitener. You too can look like me, just send $19.95 for the Miracle Whitener, but wait, if you call within the next 10 minutes we will double your offer. Be twice as white, just pay extra shipping and handling. Don’t miss out, call now, 666 666 6666.

  51. 51
    Inaji

    “Wait — I can explain
    On the day I went away
    Goodbye
    Was all I had to say
    Now I
    Want to come again and stay
    Oh my
    Smile and that will mean I may

    I’ve seen blue skies
    Through the tears in my eyes
    And I realise I’m going home
    I’m going home

    Everywhere it’s been the same
    Feeling
    Like I’m outside in the rain
    Wheeling
    Free to try and find a game
    Dealing
    Cards for sorrow cards for pain

    I’ve seen blue skies
    through the tears in my eyes
    And I realise — I’m going home
    I’m going home
    I’m going home.”

  52. 52
  53. 53
    zb24601

    YOU KIDS GET OFF OF MY LAWN!

  54. 54
    Chris Clarke

    Caine:

    Abu Iksander, either you have some rather serious issues or you’re just really bad at this captioning stuff.

    I think Abu was just trying for hard-boiled Easter noir.

  55. 55
    athyco

    Abu Iksander’s pulling in Mel Gibson lines from Payback (and I’m kinda shamed to know that). I guess Passion of the Christ reminded him of that Gibson masterpiece.

    My caption:

    Just as long as we’re clear. You’ve got the cleaning bill since I have to keep the holes in my hands and side for that asshole Thomas Didymus.

  56. 56
  57. 57
    Inaji

    athyco:

    Abu Iksander’s pulling in Mel Gibson lines from Payback (and I’m kinda shamed to know that). I guess Passion of the Christ reminded him of that Gibson masterpiece.

    Oh. Never saw that. Chris, thank you too.

  58. 58
    Lofty

    Use new “Smugly” washing powder, makes everything come out whiter than whitey.

  59. 59
    Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought

    “Is “blindingly white” a bit too much? It is, isn’t it?”

  60. 60
    athyco

    I so ♥ the bunny noir!

  61. 61
    Inaji

    Athyco:

    I so ♥ the bunny noir!

    Agreed. That was fabulous.

  62. 62
    Félix Desrochers-Guérin

    “WTF? I went in as a Palestinian Jew and came out as a white European Christian”.

    Palestinian goes in, European comes out. You can’t explain that.

  63. 63
    Ichthyic

    “Dudes! Come check out my new crib!”

  64. 64
    cubist

    “Everyone agreed that the Reverend Boltzmann’s remake of the famous “big stone ball” scene from INDIANA JONES was not entirely well thought-out.”

  65. 65
    firstcircleofhell

    “Can’t wait to see how the Unitarians explain this shit.”

  66. 66
    2-D Man

    “Now which way to Whiterun?”

  67. 67
    cartboy

    Well, That wasn’t so bad!

  68. 68
    anuran

    All I can say is
    He has Risen!

  69. 69
    Maureen Brian

    “Either this artist can’t do perspective or that stone never sealed the tomb. I could have been out 2 days ago.”

  70. 70
    davehooke

    Mister Trouble never hangs around
    When he hears this Mighty sound…

  71. 71
    Marcus Ranum

    “OK, who left the seat up?”

  72. 72
    robro

    My FB page is full of Easter cheer this morning from some Southern relatives: various images of Jesus plus a wealth of threatening pro-gun posters. Interesting isn’t it?

  73. 73
    anuran

    #72 robro – Mine has some of the Easter cheer, lots of joyfully blasphemous images and a lot of stuff about candy. We obviously have rather different friends

  74. 74
    Inaji

    anuran:

    We obviously have rather different friends

    No, you obviously have rather different relatives.

  75. 75
    carlie

    Get your coat and grab your hat
    Leave your troubles on this doorstep
    And just direct your feet
    to the sunny side of the street…

  76. 76
    carlie

    I have to say, one of the benefits of having left fb is that I don’t get that deluge of Christianity every holiday. It’s quite nice.

  77. 77
    starskeptic

    Easier than dancing with the Balrog…

  78. 78
    Chris Clarke

    You are at the entrance to a deep dark tomb, its round stone door rolled to one side.

    shut door

    The tomb's round stone door is locked in the open position.

    inventory

    You have: stale bread, dried fish, wine cork, key, olive oil, crown of thorns, three nails

    use key

    You pull the key out of the folds in your robe. It falls through the hole in your hand and rolls out of sight.

  79. 79
    Red-Green in Blue

    “Braaaaaaiiiiinnnns!”

  80. 80
    chigau (違う)

    *snorfle*

  81. 81
    yazikus

    @chris
    Your comment just made my day! -Scurries off to play hitchhikers guide to the galaxy-

  82. 82
    niftyatheist, perpetually threadrupt

    Jonathan Hartley

    “WTF? I went in as a Palestinian Jew and came out as a white European Christian”.

    +1 ! :-D

    Felix #62

    Palestinian goes in, European comes out. You can’t explain that.

    (shinyinternet!) :-D

  83. 83
    Acolyte of Sagan

    Jesus was clearly impressed by his tour of the Indiana Jones film set….

  84. 84
    niftyatheist, perpetually threadrupt

    Is this open thread the place to admit that I found it pretty depressing when I looked at my facebook feed this morning and saw otherwise sensible people posting explicitly religious statuses. People who you know must battle cognitive dissonance every single day to continue to hold these ridiculous beliefs in their minds alongside their other more rational thoughts. I kid you not, I have a friend who is a biologist working in DNA/evolutionary research at a prestigious university who posted this morning, “Christ is risen! He is truly risen!” It just leaves me baffled and wondering do I even know these people? AHHH…anyone else?

  85. 85
    Acolyte of Sagan

    …or;
    For a qualified carpenter, Jesus always had a problem making doors fit…

  86. 86
    Matt G

    I was just mostly dead.

  87. 87
    Avo, also nigelTheBold

    Let’s see. We can go for the old tried-and-true:

    “By this time, my lungs were aching for air.”

    We could go for the obvious:

    “Counterweights, people! These stones are fucking heavy.”

    Or the historical:

    “I’m not sure you needed a millstone to seal a door. Also, why am I European? I have yet to invent Champaign!”

    Or the geeky:

    “Really, Dad? A fucking Grue?”

    So many choices.

  88. 88
    kemist, Dark Lord of the Sith

    “Dude, where’s my car?”

  89. 89
    jimnorman

    Will you guys knock it off up there? Some of us have to work tomorrow. And turn that damned light off.

  90. 90
    Acolyte of Sagan

    “Saddle up the T-Rex, Ken, I’m going Judas hunting”

  91. 91
    Inaji

    Acolyte of Sagan:

    For a qualified carpenter, Jesus always had a problem making doors fit…

    “Dammit, Jim, I’m a carpenter, not a stone mason!”

  92. 92
    carlie

    Dammit, Chris wins again!

  93. 93
    Avo, also nigelTheBold

    I’m thinking we need more “Caption this photo” entries.

    Everybody loves capping.

  94. 94
    Asher Kay

    @WMDKitty

    Nicely done.

  95. 95
    Acolyte of Sagan

    Caine, Wonder-wench
    31 March 2013 at 5:35 pm

    Acolyte of Sagan:

    For a qualified carpenter, Jesus always had a problem making doors fit…

    “Dammit, Jim, I’m a carpenter, not a stone mason!”

    Heh heh :-)

    How about “OI, BEARDIE, GET OFF THE FUCKING TRACK BFORE THAT TRAIN HITS YOU!”

  96. 96
    Asher Kay

    “Uh, Mary? I think you’re going to want to go out the *back* door.”

  97. 97
    Inaji

    “What’s with the millstone? Dudes, bros…you totes got that part wrong, that’s not what I was saying.”

  98. 98
    Acolyte of Sagan

    Is he singing “Anything Blaine can do, I can do better”?

  99. 99
    cicely

    “By Me, that was one helluva shit! I’ve never felt so clean inside!”
    -

  100. 100
    John Morales

    “Which way to the catwalk?”

  101. 101
    Inaji

    “It’s the millstone miracle door! Comes complete with a track kit, easy to assemble! This door can withstand anything! Order yours now, 500 easy payments of 100 shekels, and shipping costs! Don’t delay!”

  102. 102
    chigau (違う)

    niftyatheist
    You know, there are two open threads…

  103. 103
    SteveV

    Abu Iksander’s pulling in Mel Gibson Lee Marvin lines from Payback Point Blank.

    Sigh: I’m getting old.

  104. 104
    athyco

    MattG @….oh my fsm…86:

    I was just mostly dead.

    “And unlike Westly, I actually did say, ‘To blaaaaaaaaave.’”

  105. 105
    chigau (違う)

    huh
    He does look a bit like Kenny Loggins.

  106. 106
    ChasCPeterson

    “Barkeep! Another Rolling Rock!
    Put it on my Dad’s tab.”

  107. 107
    cicely

    I so ♥ the bunny noir!

    +1
    -

  108. 108
    DonDueed

    “Jesus? Yes… that’s what they called me. I was Jesus the Grey. I am now… Jesus the White!”

  109. 109
    chigau (違う)

    DonDueed
    +1

  110. 110
    Lofty

    Excuse me, but the lightbulb’s blown in here.

  111. 111
    patchmonkey

    The Big Labowski watches the very luminous UFO ascend, wonders why they left the big flywheel.

  112. 112
    tsig

    I’m back, I’m mad, gonna kick some Roman ass.

  113. 113
    tsig

    You saw the first movie “The Passion of the Christ”

    Now see the sequel The Revenge of the Christ”

  114. 114
    Inaji

    tsig:

    I’m back, I’m mad, gonna kick some Roman ass.

    A little more “Daaaamn, I look good. Totally wrong outfit for ass kicking, though.”

  115. 115
    Avo, also nigelTheBold

    “Hey, guys! Check it out. It’s my Ted Neeley pose. Get it? Get… Oh, never mind.”

  116. 116
    Gregory Greenwood

    “Me? A grave robber? No, no – you have it all wrong – this is my tomb. I used to be dead, but I got better…

    Honest.”

  117. 117
    travisrm89

    Five more weeks of winter.

  118. 118
    LykeX

    This artist hasn’t read the story: Zombie Jesus rolled that rock away…

    Well, that depends on which version of the story you go by. Mark, Luke and John tell it as you say (about the only thing they agree on in their accounts), but Matthew says an angel rolled the stone away after the women arrived. What’s really neat is that the tomb was already empty, so either Jesus ghosted out, or he replaced the stone after crawling out.
    No explanation of why the roman guards (if they were there, accounts differ again) didn’t notice that the very corpse they were guarding got up and walked away.

    Completely unrelated: really handy tool for comparison between gospels.

    “Is it stalagmites or stalactites that hang from the ceiling?”

    Stalagmites might hang from the ceiling, but they don’t.

  119. 119
    chigau (違う)

    Stalagmites might hang from the ceiling, but they don’t.

    I hate mnemonics.

  120. 120
    Col Bat Guano

    Is…that my right foot over there?

  121. 121
    kreativekaos

    ‘Shit, just my luck– I come outta da votin’ booth, and dey run outta da, ‘I voted for Romney stickers’!

  122. 122
  123. 123
    Inaji

    LykeX:

    Stalagmites might hang from the ceiling, but they don’t.

    No, no, it’s “Stalagmites might reach the ceiling.

  124. 124
    Holms

    “OK guys just FYI, there ain’t a toilet in there. Went anyway, LOL!”

  125. 125
    Argle Bargle

    Hey Mom, the next time you go to the store, we need more asswi…er, I mean, toilet paper.

  126. 126
    chigau (違う)

    No, no, it’s “Stalagmites might reach the ceiling.

    See? Mnemonics suck.

  127. 127
    Uncle Ebeneezer

    I’ve been up partying for three days straight. Cocaine is a hell of a drug!

  128. 128
    robro

    @ anuran #73 —One of us isn’t so lucky, but then I have relatives who think that Jesus and guns just go together like butter and grits.

  129. 129
    jimnorman

    I told you the Monty Hall paradox was bullshit.

  130. 130
    carpenterman

    “Remember now, boys: what happens in the Garden of Gethsemane, *stays* in the Garden of Gethsemane.”

  131. 131
    chigau (違う)

    jimnorman
    Monty Hall
    oh, bravo
    +1

  132. 132
    mattand

    Oh, hai! I can has rezerection now?

  133. 133
    brazenlucidity

    “It’ll have to go,” the men of Krikkit said as they headed back for home.

  134. 134
    Inaji

    “There’s a cat in here. Tag says ‘Schrödinger’.”

  135. 135
    cyberCMDR

    That Plato dude was right! The real world is outside of the cave!

  136. 136
    sparks

    “Next stop: Disneyland!”

  137. 137
    cyberCMDR

    What an uncomfortable bed. Last time I stay at the Hard Rock Hotel!

  138. 138
    cyberCMDR

    I’m the Doctor and I just regenerated. Has anyone seen my TARDIS?

  139. 139
    redwood

    “Hey, Pops! Where’s the skytaxi you promised me? And don’t give me that flying horse crap, that’s for that other guy.”

  140. 140
    grumpyoldfart

    I feel pretty, oh so pretty

  141. 141
    blacksteel

    Worst Weekend. Ever.

  142. 142
    Inaji

    “Man, I don’t want to apparate home, last time I splinched myself.”

  143. 143
    UnknownEric the Apostate

    “Man, I can’t wait till the 1970s. Everybody’s gonna want to look like this.”

  144. 144
    procyon

    Stalactites hold tight to the cieling

  145. 145
    procyon

    ceiling

  146. 146
    Nichodeemous

    Pictured: Jesus “Harold” Christ, Cleric of Yahveh, strikes a confident pose before entering the demilich Acererak’s fabled Tomb of Horrors. He was never seen again.

  147. 147
    Mike

    Dan Fogelberg’s Greatest Hits

  148. 148
  149. 149
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    …if Jesus was a carpenter, why is having wood sinful?

  150. 150
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    Also, people keep calling Jesus a zombie, but we know he was a vampire – he rose from the dead after being buried and drinking his blood makes you more like him!

  151. 151
    bad Jim

    I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

  152. 152
    andrewbrown not the one from the grauniad

    Walter, he peed on my rug!

  153. 153
    Danny

    “And I, Jesus, shall take up the mantle of White Ranger and swear to defend the Earth from the vile forces of Rita Repulsa!”

  154. 154
    Inaji

    “For I am every dead thing…I am re-begot of absence, darknesse, death; things which are not.”

  155. 155
    ednaz

    Abu Iksander @ 40

    I told her I’d stop killing if she quit hooking.

    I think we were aiming high.

  156. 156
    Crudely Wrott

    Awake to the Zest of New Life!

    Erzatz Brothers Sleep Products introduces the Solid Stone Mattress!

    “You’ll sleep as Peacefully as the Dead and wake up to New Life!

    Guaranteed,* accept no substitutes.

    *see fine print for multiple disclaimers

  157. 157
    ottotellick

    Okay, the trap door, the lever, the food and water, the sh*t hole — everything checks out. Let’s go ahead with the arrest and “crucifixion”. (You better be sure the guards are going to have the right “nails”!) And let’s not have nobody else get “buried” in here before I do – that would be awkward. Now, who did you say is fronting the money this gig, and when do I get my cut?

  158. 158
    Charly

    “Has anybody got any aspirin, please? Got the worst hangover, ever.”

  159. 159
    Alex the Pretty Good

    “I’m not dead yet!”

    OS: “Oh quit whining. You’ll be stone dead in a moment.”

    —-
    Meta – though it isn’t my first language, I always liked the French mnenomic:
    stalacMites Montent
    stalacTites Tombent

  160. 160
    rq

    I can never find the Big Dipper…

  161. 161
    Didaktylos

    I told you I wouldn’t be seen dead in this neighbourhood …

  162. 162
    shelldigger

    Whadaya mean I have to “earn” a black belt? Im frickin Jesus!!

  163. 163
    Gregory Greenwood

    “Well, that is the final practice run for my escapology act done. I will have to get around to writing up my notes about how I do it; having a bespoke tomb with hidden counterweights to roll back that stone built, faking a crucifiction and paying off the local officials to claim I was dead – it was a master stroke, if I do say so myself.

    Nah, I’ll get round to it later. Even if I forget, what’s the worst that could happen? I mean, you would have to be a total fool to actually think this resurrection business is real…”

  164. 164
    Ogvorbis: Still failing at being human.

    “Jesus Christ! Get your grubby hand off the wall. I spent all day yesterday washing the walls and now you put your grubby mitts on it. grumble, grumble, grumble

    “Sorry, Mom.”

  165. 165
    Col Bat Guano

    Stalactites – c for ceiling

    Stalagmites – g for ground

  166. 166
    clayhale

    “So the last thing I remember is walking into that Roman hotel with some nails and asking them to put me up for the night.”

  167. 167
    Ogvorbis: Still failing at being human.

    Damnit. I’m not going to law school. I got nailed on my boards!

  168. 168
    AlanMac

    Jesus ? Yes that’s what they used to call me, Jesus the Grey. I am Jesus the White!

  169. 169
    randay

    This isn’t what I expected when I booked my vacation in Norway.

    Blake Stacey, try Mark Twain’s version. The beginning: “Mine eyes have seen the orgy of the launching of the Sword;
    He is searching out the hoardings where the stranger’s wealth is stored;

    He hath loosed his fateful lightnings, and with woe and death has
    scored;
    His lust is marching on.

  170. 170
    DLC

    :singing:: “Always look on the bright side of Death ”

    or

    New and Improved Jesus, now with Whitening!
    or
    “Man, I’ve been Punked! “

  171. 171
    Eurasian magpie

    “All’alba vincerò! Vincerò! Vincerò!”

  172. 172
    Great American Satan

    “You moved the headstones, but you didn’t move the bodies!”

    “Back up in yo ass with tha Resurrection!”

    Can I make a joke that isn’t a pop culture reference? Hm…

    Not tonight apparently.

  173. 173
    Don Quijote

    Dad, somebody has stolen my Cadburys cream egg!

  174. 174
    DanDare

    Its not my fault, you’re the one that made a fucking round door for a square hole!

  175. 175
    DanDare

    Gandalf the Grey? Yes, that’s what they used to call me. I’m Gandalf the White now.

  176. 176
    Inaji

    Fuck, people – read the other comments first!

  177. 177
    sundiver

    With apologies to Gary Larson: “I feel like I’ve been dead for three days”. Stolen from a panel he did that his editors thought maybe wouldn’t go over too well; he only published it in “A Prehistory of the Far Side”.

  178. 178
    FossilFishy (NOBODY, and proud of it!)

    “Fucking cops! Calm dude, just keep calm. They can’t see shit from up there. Gotta remember to score Judas a couple of bags, putting the op back there was fucking genius.”

  179. 179
    dcg1

    Reply to 8) by PZ Myers

    Forgive him father, for calling people who dwell in desert countries “ragheads”.

    Even the Athiests are embarrassed by his presence in their ranks. They want to get rid of the mysogenists first however, before they start on racist bigotry and language.

  180. 180
    mikecline

    crazy ass falsetto… “well you can tell by the way I use my walk I’m a woman’s man no time to talk”

  181. 181
    Gregory Greenwood

    dcg1 @ 179;

    Forgive him father

    Sorry, we don’t recognise undetectable phantasms as paternal relatives ’round these parts.

    …for calling people who dwell in desert countries “ragheads”.

    I think you need to consider the context of this comment. While I can see why you find the use of that term offensive, I am pretty sure PZ was referencing the brutal and unjustified (and clearly at least partially religiously motivated) violence of the illegal wars faught in the Middle East. Wars with a very toxic racist undertone initiated by former President Bush – a man who literally saw himself as the red right hand of his god – and fought in part by an American military infamously riddled with christian religious extremism – hence jesus calling in the flamethrowers.

    Even the Athiests are embarrassed by his presence in their ranks.

    Citation needed. You do realise that ‘atheists’ aren’t some single, unitary movement, right? We come in all manner of political affiliations and social philosophies. PZ most certainly has opponenets within atheism, but most of them are reactionary misogynist bigots who despise PZ for his progressive attitudes and the stand he has taken against sexism, or hardcore libertarians who hate anyone who doesn’t worship at the altar of the invisible hand of the free market.

    They want to get rid of the mysogenists first however, before they start on racist bigotry and language.

    The ‘atheist movement’ (in so far as there is such a thing) certainly has a deep rooted problem with misogyny that requires (and is beginning to receive) urgent attention, and it is equally true that a movement that is still predominantly made up of White middle class men also has problems with discrimination along other axes, including racism. However, racist bigotry is not tolerated on Pharyngula – PZ was mocking the attitude of religiously motivated racism, not endorsing it.

  182. 182
    ChasCPeterson

    so…looks like we’ll all be keeping the day jobs, then.

  183. 183
    myeck waters

    Broad shoulders: check
    Muscular body: check
    Lantern jaw: check
     
    I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jesse Ventura so overdressed before.
     
    I’d love to see JV portray JC as he recites the story of the good Samaritan.

  184. 184
    Nick Gotts

    Laundry was a more advanced craft than indoor plumbing in first-century Palestine.

  185. 185
    cmaximus

    “I sure hope no one noticed that me, Jesus H. Christ, the almighty creator of everything, had to open a door in order to escape from a cave…”

    or

    “Jesus Christ that thing was heavy!”

  186. 186
    Cas

    “Man what a weekend. Managed to lose 3 days and Judas… Ah well, YOLO.”

    (And never let me use that awful work ever again. This is what Jesus makes me do *shudders*)

  187. 187
    chigau (違う)

    ” I prefer Dos Equis.”

  188. 188
    UnknownEric the Apostate

    “Why yes, I use Clorox bleach to make my whites whiter.”

  189. 189
    Ogvorbis: Still failing at being human.

    He once died for three days. Just to find out what it was like.

  190. 190
    UnknownEric the Apostate

    L’oreal. Because you’re worth it.

  191. 191
    dianne

    “Don’t even bother. I’ve already found all the eggs the Easter bunny left in there.”

  192. 192
    twas brillig (stevem)

    re everyone:

    great captions all around, applause, bravo.

    I apologize for this brief interruption but I must throw out my long standing nitpicky objection to this “holy day”. 3 days? 3 days? when did we count nights as days? He “died” on Friday(evening) and “rose” on Sunday(morning). So how is Saturday 3 days. oh, 1)Friday night, 2)Saturday, 3)Saturnight. bah humbug, is their counting of years equally aberrant? Is that why they say Noah lived 600 years when they counted each month as a year? (or somesuch)

    er, just wondering…

  193. 193
    Mike

    Dude, you’re trying to get logic out of the Bugs Bunny-Road Runner Hour. Don’t do that, some religidiot will mistake your confusion for a genuine need to know. If that happens you’ll never get the bastards off your doorstep.

  194. 194
    Cosmic Teapot, not the Antichrist.

    OK Cephas, that’s stocked for a weekend party, now I’m ready for my crucifixion. What, what do you mean they crucified Brian?

    3 days? when did we count nights as days?

    They counted the start of the day from sun set, so that is :
    Day 1 – Thursday evening -> Friday (Death)
    Day 2 – Friday evening -> Saturday
    Day 3 – Saturday evening -> Sunday (He rose on the third day)

  195. 195
    chigau (違う)

    stevem
    Jesus was dead for portions of three days.
    and the myth doesn’t say “72 hours later”, it says “on the third day”.

  196. 196
    Subtract Hominem, a product of Nauseam

    “Nope. I can still lift it. Hey dad! Bigger rock!”

  197. 197
    chigau (違う)

    Thursday is not involved.
    he died on Friday before sunset – Friday
    dead all day – Saturday
    still dead Saturday sunset – Sunday

  198. 198
    moarscienceplz

    stevem,
    Apparently, you’ve never read a brochure for a vacation resort.

  199. 199
    Tom J

    “Silly rabbis, death is for kids! Yeah, Passover sure is a hoot. Hey Magdalene, cue up that Freddie Mercury song from Highlander. What? Oh, never mind.
    ♫♪ I am immortal, I have inside me blood of Kings. No man can be my equal! ♪♫
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

  200. 200
    cicely

    “It’ll have to go,” the men of Krikkit said as they headed back for home.

    :) :) :)
    -

  201. 201
    jackjesberger

    Where the hell did he get the clothes?

  202. 202
    Gregory Greenwood

    Tom J @ 199;

    “Silly rabbis, death is for kids! Yeah, Passover sure is a hoot. Hey Magdalene, cue up that Freddie Mercury song from Highlander. What? Oh, never mind.
    ♫♪ I am immortal, I have inside me blood of Kings. No man can be my equal! ♪♫

    So that is how jebus survived crucifiction and being stabbed with a spear…

    There can be only one!

    ;-P

  203. 203
    carlie

    Where the hell did he get the clothes?

    That was in one of the translations of Matthew 28: “He has linen, just as he said.”

    Tom J – There can be only one!!!

  204. 204
    carlie

    That’s it, Gregory! Draw your sword!

  205. 205
    macallan

    “I got better”

  206. 206
    Michael

    “Hey guys, I just had a great idea for a sci-fi show. It’s set in a space station which will be the last best hope for peace…since I kinda sucked at it.”

  207. 207
    Owlmirror

    Damn, but the geometry of that tomb is definitely non-Euclidian. And he looks like he’s dressed as a cultist. He’s clearly been resurrected by ancient arcane science.

    I bet 5 bucks pieces of silver that inside is a shrine to Dogon with runes scribed in Old Enochian, and that an eldritch breeze blows from inside the cave system carrying the faint batrachian sound of voices of a lost elder race chanting in an unspeakable ritual to an ancient cyclopean god.

    (Call of Cthulhu: Ancient Judea)

    NB for DMs: Actual paleoarchaeological site of Gesher Bnot Ya’akov

  208. 208
    macallan

    “I’ve slept too long!”

  209. 209
    dcg1

    181 Gregory Greenwood.

    …for calling people who dwell in desert countries “ragheads”.

    “I think you need to consider the context of this comment. While I can see why you find the use of that term offensive.”

    That was the whole point of my post!! .

    As for citations: you make a lot of assumptions about motive with no evidence. I’m an atheist and find the casual use of racist language by privledged white middle class males both offensive and embarrassing!.

    It should not be used!!!!

  210. 210
    Acolyte of Sagan

    “Yes, I have bleached my skin. You don’t think the ‘merkins are gonna accept a brown saviour, do you?”

  211. 211
    Howlin' Wolf

    Jesus leaves the safe house so that now he could go into the witness protection program after testifying against the Roman Mafia.

  212. 212
    Rich Woods

    “You want to use the cave next? Sure. But I’d give it a minute, if I were you.”

  213. 213
    macallan

    “I’ve had it with these motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking tomb!”

  214. 214
    weldonribeye

    “No, I’m not wearing underwear, and, yes, I did just wake up. Is it that obvious?”

  215. 215
    shelldigger

    “Oh….the quarter goes in the slot” “I feel stupid”

  216. 216
    Howlin' Wolf

    Lance: You are not bringing this fucked-up bitch into my cave!
    Vincent: This fucked-up bitch is Marsellus Wallace’s wife! Do you know who Marsellus Wallace is? Do you? If she croaks on me, I’m a fuckin’ greasespot!

  217. 217
    tim rowledge, Ersatz Haderach

    I have a friend who is a biologist working in DNA/evolutionary research at a prestigious university who posted this morning, “Christ is risen! He is truly risen!”

    D’ough!

  218. 218
    Worldtraveller

    What day is it? Oh, I guess that was a good friday then.

    If it were a Great Friday, I woulda been out at least two more days. Now, someone get me a bloody Mary. (No offense mum.)

  219. 219
    ChasCPeterson

    “You want to use the cave next? Sure. But I’d give it a minute, if I were you.”

    ffs, read the OP’s title, if not the comments.

    And the restaya: day jobs.

  220. 220
    myeck waters

    If I wanted a day job I wouldn’t have broadband, Chas.

  221. 221
    nikki630

    Look … up in the sky …
    It’s a bird
    a plane !!!!
    it’s SUPERMAN!!!!!!

  222. 222
    chigau (違う)

    If I wanted a day job I learn how to say, “Anything to drink?”.

  223. 223
    kevs

    But you said it was a tomb with a view!

  224. 224
    erikthebassist

    Jesus emerged from the tomb with a bit of a chip on his shoulder.

  225. 225
    azpaul3

    HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT THE HELL I JUST WENT THROUGH?!

    YOU INSENSITIVE MOTHERFUCKIN ….

    DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT FUCKIN HURTS?!

    god damn prick

  226. 226
    Shane Street

    The sun on the meadow is summery warm
    The stag in the forest runs free

    Jesus Christ! It’s only Saturday!
    No go the fuck to sleep!

  227. 227
    Acolyte of Sagan

    “And I, Jesus Son of God, declare unto you that everything I say will be true for all eternity……or until the Gnu Atheists turn up, whichever comes first”.

  228. 228
    natashatasha

    “Screw this, two days to respawn?!”

  229. 229
    mickll

    Today’s Sunday School lesson, Jesus emerges from the closet…

  230. 230
    raj

    [voice of God] “I said, ’30 days’, not ’3 days’! Go back in and die again!”

  231. 231
    phillipbrown

    “I am just going outside and may be some time”

    “Put that bloody light out!”

    “Did someone say ‘toga party’?”

  232. 232
    gakxz1

    So you’re sure a portrait will convince them? Christ, I should’ve asked dad for a camera phone.

  233. 233
    gakxz1

    “You can tell the good messiahs from the bad by their pose. I call this my number 7.”

  234. 234
    joanimal

    when did we count nights as days?

    Ever since the hotel industry marketed 3 day weekends as starting at 2pm friday and ending at 11am sunday, which if I have done the math correctly is less than 48 hours.

    Wait a second… the hotel industry didn’t exist… the means Jesus invented the 3 days is less than 48 hours hotel standard. That bastard!

  235. 235
    Gregory Greenwood

    carlie @ 204;

    That’s it, Gregory! Draw your sword!

    No swords for me – I am strictly a Watcher

  236. 236
    koncorde

    “I am just going outside and may be some time”

  237. 237
    Gregory Greenwood

    dcg1 @ 209;

    That was the whole point of my post!!

    And I was trying to point out that PZ was deliberately mocking the attitude of religiously motivated racism. Accusing him of the very form of bigotry he is so clearly lampooning seems a tad unreasonable.

    As for citations: you make a lot of assumptions about motive with no evidence.

    Do I indeed – care to provide some examples? Remember; I have been commenting here for some time, and am already aware of PZ’s stance on the issue of racism. I characterise his outlook the way I do for good reason – can you say the same?

    I’m an atheist and find the casual use of racist language by privledged white middle class males both offensive and embarrassing!

    It should not be used!!!!

    Not even with the obvious intent to mock that prejudiced attitude and those who hold it? Context cannot simply be ignored to bolster your point here, however much animus you hold for PZ.

    I also find it curious that as a self declared atheist, you open your post @ 179 with the words;

    Forgive him father

    That wouldn’t be a freudian slip, now would it…?

    I would also point out that in your original post @ 179 you wrote;

    Even the Athiests are embarrassed by his presence in their ranks.

    (Emphasis added)

    This clearly suggests that atheists as a notional group – or at least such a substantial portion of atheists that their opinion can be taken as indicative of the view of the broad sweep of atheism – find PZ ‘embarrassing’. This is hardly the same thing as simply stating your own personal opinion.

    Also, the use of the term ‘the atheists’ clearly positions atheism as a group with which you do not identify, else you would have written ‘we atheists’, ‘other atheists’, the ‘broader atheist movement’ or some such, and yet in your very next post you claim to be an atheist. What are we to make of this?

    If you are an artheist as you claim, do not presume to speak for the rest of us. If you are not, then I would suggest that your time and effort may be better spent elsewhere.

  238. 238
    Brian
    No, no, it’s “Stalagmites might reach the ceiling.

    See? Mnemonics suck.

    Only if you pick sucky mnemonics! The mnemonic I was taught was:

    Stalagmites grow on the ground.
    Stalactites grow on the ceiling.

  239. 239
    Chris Clarke

    On Old Olympus’ Towering Tops, Stalagmites Can Flirt And Other Queer Stalactites Just Brought Us Nine Pickles.

  240. 240
    chigau (違う)

    Chris #239
    notes on a clavichord?
    cranial nerves?
    Egyptian dynasties?
    the ingredients in the ultimate pizza sauce?
    Mnemonics suck.

  241. 241
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    “Psst! Judas! Are… are they gone? Did they buy it? PfffftBWAhahahaha! Oh… Oh, dude, give Longinus a bell; let’s hit a bar, see how long it takes these morons to work it out…”

  242. 242
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    “…It got better.”

    (a shiny interent for anyone who can tell me what film I’m referencing)

  243. 243
    Lofty

    SORRY DAD, CENTRAL CASTING CALLED.

  244. 244
    la tricoteuse

    thumper1990 @#242 isn’t it “I got better”? (She turned me into a newt!)

  245. 245
    Cosmic Teapot, not the Antichrist.

    chigau (not my real name)

    Thursday is not involved.
    he died on Friday before sunset – Friday

    If that was in response to me, you appear to be disagreeing with me by agreeing with me. Thursday sun set to Friday sun set, day 1.

  246. 246
    diotima

    Those Vera Wang knock-offs get everywhere.

Comments have been disabled.