OK, OK…so that cracker really was Jesus

According to Michael Nugent, today is the “Day of Agreement” and we’re supposed to be really really nice and go along with all the nonsense people tell us we’re suppose to respect. Just for today — we can go back to being normal tomorrow.

So I’ll go along with that and agree with the Catholics that the cracker I abused really was of one substance with The Lord Jesus Christ, Ruler of the Cosmos, Grand Judge of All Humanity, Vengeful Enemy of Fig Trees.

I’ll also admit that I really enjoyed stabbing Him, and would gleefully do it again if I had a magic cracker handy.

Comments

  1. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Yes, you are right. With my choice of life style, I have personally spit into the face of god.

    I need a drink. My mouth is dry and I still want to spit.

  2. Aratina Cage says

    I grow increasingly sick of the slimepitters, but just for today, in the spirit of violent agreement, I will say that I agree with them about everything!

  3. says

    I refuse to agree with nonsense, on this day or any other. In fact I’m planting a fig tree this fall, in the hopes that if Jeezus ever comes back he’ll stay the fuck away from my house.

  4. Tony •Prom King of Sunnydale High• says

    Ooooh, I found one I can agree with (Nugent’s #25):

    I agree with anyone who believes that the earth is balanced on the back of a sea turtle, that homeopathy is more useful than a heart transplant, that Rapunzel wove her hair into a ladder or Rumpelstiltskin wove straw into gold, that stepping on a pavement crack will break my mother’s back, that a deposed Nigerian prince wants to email me several million dollars, that Uri Geller can bend spoons with his mind, that I am in danger from vampires or zombies or broken mirrors, or that I am protected by angels or leprechauns or horseshoes.

    I agree :)
    This is fun!

  5. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    If you are unlucky, irisvanderpluym, tough guy Jesus might make the tree shrivel up and die because it is not producing figs out of season.

    Unreasonable tree was asking to be smite.

  6. janiceintoronto says

    OK. I agree the Catholic church needs to be brought to justice.

    I agree evangelicals of all stripes need to just chill.

    I agree I couldn’t agree with religions without the FSM.

    I agree I could use a refill, the bong is getting low.

    There, is that good enough?

  7. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Yes, Orly Tatz, some people knew that a biracial Kenyan baby had a damned good chance to become President of the US as long as fake birth notices were planted in Honolulu newspapers.

  8. starskeptic says

    Surely someone out there can keep you supplied with “Jeez-its” – so they’re always on hand for moment like this…

  9. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    And, yes, it was damned improbable that a jet hitting a skyscraper, thus spewing burning jet fuel within the building, could weaken the structural integrity enough to make the building collapse.

    It was all bombs all the way down.

    And bunnies.

  10. says

    In fact I’m planting a fig tree this fall, in the hopes that if Jeezus ever comes back he’ll stay the fuck away from my house.

    No, no. Actually, that just means he comes by your house every year to swear at it for not bearing fruit…

    … generally in late January.

    We keep trying to explain this whole ‘growing season’ concept to him, but he’s not the brightest ranting desert ascetic there ever was, let’s face it.

  11. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    AJ, what is the concept of a “growing season” to an immortal being that can create life?

    It is not that he is stupid. It is more like it is beneath his notice.

    There is also a rage issue in his family. His father did drown the world in a temper tantrum. And kept having his people massacre others in war, when he was not allowing his people to become enslaved.

    Shit, it seems that Jesus is not as spiteful as dear old dad. He just destroyed one tree, not tribes, nations or the world.

  12. says

    I really hate people who want easy agreement, easy trust, or easy respect beyond basic civility. It kind of reminds me of this one brief local Happiness Patrol thing in a town I used to live in, giving drive-by smilings to us dour curmudgeons. Life isn’t all sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows in a cup. Being an adult means dealing with disagreement, conflict, and disappointment. Dealing with it does not mean covering it up with a facade of smiles and harmony. The first step in resolving a problem or a conflict is acknowledging its existence, not hiding it.

    Crap like this can only serve to reinforce the status quo, which means giving the finger to people who are suffering from that status quo. If someone’s suffering, they should have the right to complain about it, and people shouldn’t be given additional excuses to brow beat them into silence for the sake of appearances.

  13. says

    @Janine, and AJ:

    Actually, that just means he comes by your house every year to swear at it for not bearing fruit…

    …if he takes the bait, it presents a golden opportunity to trap him, no?

  14. says

    Shit, it seems that Jesus is not as spiteful as dear old dad. He just destroyed one tree, not tribes, nations or the world.

    But Janine, that could be my fucking tree. Or yours. I mean, where does the fucker get off with that? If he really needed figs and asked us nicely, I’m sure we’d all do the decent thing and check the pantry. But no.

  15. says

    It is not that he is stupid. It is more like it is beneath his notice…

    Yeah, come to think of it…

    It’s kinda like deity == spoiled rock star. I’m famous, that means I get what I want, and I damned well want figs, and I want them now! Don’t tell me we’re on the damned tundra; I don’t care. Not my problem. Figs! (points to mouth) Here! Now!

    (/… and if there’s none around, there’s gonna be temperamental blighting, you betcha! I figure if you run an orchard, and this guy’s around, you probably need special Asshole Jesus crop insurance.)

  16. chigau (悲しい) says

    Asshole Jesus crop insurance

    jeeez
    Don’t give the insurance industry ideas.
    or would this be more Mafia-style ‘protection’?

  17. yoav says

    I would agree with Mittens rMoney’s positions on anything, as soon as I figure out what the fuck they are.

  18. slowdjinn says

    Bronze Dog –

    Yeah. Well, what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it’s the meek who are the problem.

  19. Tony •Prom King of Sunnydale High• says

    The bunnies are offended at being linked to the atrocities performed in the name of any of the gods humanity has created.
    They have filed a petition with the Obama administration to call for an end to anti-bunny sentiment. For years they’ve been linked to conspiracies ranging from JFK’s assassination to mysterious lights in the sky to Stonehenge and more. They have grown tired of being blamed for everything.

    All because they were responsible for one teensy tiny outbreak of Song n Dance in Sunnydale.

  20. slowdjinn says

    Chigua –

    “Don’t give the insurance industry ideas.
    or would this be more Mafia-style ‘protection’?”

    Doesn’t the RCC already do that?

  21. says

    Day of agreement, huh?
    Okay.
    I agree that circumcision for any reason other than evidence-based medical necessity is absolutely fine and dandy, at any age of the child, and performed by anyone who can tell a story about how he actually met a doctor once.
    I also agree that it’s a wonderful idea to convert to ancient Aztec faith and begin cutting open random strangers, with or without consent, to make sure the next harvest will be good. I’m a fair person, so I’ll settle for cutting them open symbolically. I’ll remove only one nipple and that should be respected as an essential tradition of my faith. I’ll even administer a light, local anesthesia. No law shall infringe, and no person shall be allowed to denigrate my religion.
    I know you’ll all agree.

  22. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Tim The Enchanter knows all about bunnies.

    Follow. But. Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

  23. UnknownEric says

    I believe my throat hurts.

    Example is the checker to the key(?).*

    *I never really knew what Stipe was singing there…

  24. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    UnknownEric, that is correct. But damn if I understand what it means.

    That is the REM I loved best, that one that could not be understood.

  25. Sastra says

    Bronze Dog #16 wrote:

    Being an adult means dealing with disagreement, conflict, and disappointment. Dealing with it does not mean covering it up with a facade of smiles and harmony.

    QFT.

    When people with weak positions harp on and on about peace, harmony, and agreement, they usually don’t mean that they want everyone to agree with them, or agree about things in general or one thing in particular.

    What they want people to agree about is the vital importance of avoiding conflict. Agree to disagree — and then move on! Change the subject! Stop caring about the difference and focus on the similarities! If the issue must come up, don’t say “I disagree.” Instead, say “here is where I think differently.”

    And then we will all stand back and admire the differences and agree together that the most harmful, hurtful, hateful act of force and violence we can think of is anybody then trying to change anyone’s mind. Difference is good, it is to be celebrated as diversity. Our opinions are worn as badges signalling who we are — special snowflakes with our own identities. We can disagree only by keeping the reasons why to ourselves — because we mustn’t be …. judgmental. Judgment is intolerance; open expression of this judgment is bigotry in action.

    Like I said, this is the sign of a weak position; it’s also usually the sign of a weak position in the majority. The powerful side wants to quash dissent, stop analysis, and avoid accountability. No kidding.

  26. says

    Worst song ever?

    “I believe for every drop of rain that falls
    A flower grows
    I believe that somewhere in the darkest night
    A candle glows
    I believe for everyone who goes astray, someone will come
    To show the way
    I believe, I believe

    I believe above a storm the smallest prayer
    Can still be heard
    I believe that someone in the great somewhere
    Hears every word

    Everytime I hear a new born baby cry,
    Or touch a leaf or see the sky
    Then I know why, I believe”

  27. ogremeister says

    So…we’re supposed to agree with those whom we otherwise disagree?

    OK…I agree that the Earth is only 10,000 years old. I am now in accordance with YECists.

    But wait…there are OECists who think the Earth is billions of years old, so I must now switch sides and agree with them.

    But wait…there are still the original group that thinks it’s young, so I must now switch sides and agree with them, again.

    But wait…I am getting so confuzzled! I think I will just drop all the beliefs and go with what I know.

  28. says

    I agree that Abu Bakr was Mohammed’s rightful successor, and also that Ali was. Also that Jesus was the son of God and not also a god in his own right and that he was and that he was just a human being though a prophet with a divinely-revealed message and that he didn’t really exist. Also that he was a false Messiah and the real one. Also that Joseph Smith really talked to an angel called, oddly enough, Moroni, and that he was a fast-talking con artist who made the whole thing up. Ditto Mohammed with Gabriel, also both ways, of course. Also that a Hindu temple was destroyed to construct the Babri Mosque and that there was no such temple. Temple Mount belongs exclusively to the Palestinian Authority and equally exclusively to Israel. And L. Ron Hubbard was really onto something and that was a serial liar who got rich suckering the gullible into his ugly little manipulative cult.

    I believe that there was a literal Adam and Eve and also that they are somehow ‘metaphors’ for, honestly, I don’t even know the fuck what. I believe that the bible is the literal word of some god called Yaheweh and also that it is also a half-baked crock of nonsense cooked up from a tangled mishmash of middle-Eastern legendary traditions, that the Koran is divinely inspired and is also a comically tendentious mangle of a screed against polytheism written by a fraud and repurposed as the nucleus around which a state religion could be built, and that Ganesh really exists and is just a pagan idol and an affront to all true believers…

    … also, I’m on Brad’s side and I’m on Jenn’s.

    (/Ecumenism. I haz it.)

  29. sumdum says

    I’m not agreeing to anything. Nietzsche claimed we killed god, but I never saw the body, as as in all monster movies, no body, no kill. Get your gun, we got some deicide to perform.

  30. sumdum says

    Btw, how’s this for a Halloween costume: dress up like Nietzsche, get a baseball bat, paint the word ‘reason’ on it, hammer some nails through the end and add some fake blood. Sacrilicious!

  31. Tony •Prom King of Sunnydale High• says

    ogremeister:

    But wait…there are OECists who think the Earth is billions of years old, so I must now switch sides and agree with them.

    But wait…there are still the original group that thinks it’s young, so I must now switch sides and agree with them, again.

    But wait…I am getting so confuzzled! I think I will just drop all the beliefs and go with what I know.

    Has the Romney flip flop effect taken hold of you?

  32. Brownian says

    Nah, I still disagree.

    If you did not, we’d all be wondering what you did with the real ChasCPeterson to get his login credentials.

  33. consciousness razor says

    OK, OK…so that cracker really was Jesus

    Sure. I do agree that this is the day of agreement. This clearly means Jesus really is crackers. I think we can all agree that, even though very little of what he said made any sense, the miracle is that what is deep-down really just crackers was ever able to think or talk at all, much less eat itself, walk on water, etc. How else could inanimate crackers truly become a living (or even mythical) and then dead and then undead person, if it wasn’t done by a powerful, loving and undetectable wizard made of the very same crackers, whenever a priest asks him to do so with some magic words? To answer a question like that, you need faith, not science. Also, you need to answer a question like that, not because it has anything to do with reality but because it gnaws away unrelentingly at our poor, helpless brains until there is nothing left except the cracker/wizard, which is all there ever really was to begin with, even before there was a beginning. If that makes sense, or if it doesn’t — I’m sure you probably agree with one or the other, either of which is fine.

    Of course, according to some traditions, Jesus is consubstantial with the gingerbread man; and while they may be heretical, we all obviously agree with them too, heretics that we are. Thus, religions do produce knowledge and even make significant progress in light of disagreements (which we are not having today): for example, that crackers and gingerbread are the same thing, something the sciences could never have told us, then insist on telling us again and again based on no evidence, even though we could never make any sense of it in the first place. At the end of the day, that’s what real understanding — and meaning and purpose and skepticism, and indeed, life itself, and death and anything else there may be — is all about for everyone, even atheists. Crackers. And an almost fanatical devotion to the pope. And irreducible complexity. Irreducibly complex crackers, possibly, if the pope says so. It’s really just one extremely simple cracker. And three crackers. But mostly just one. How you count them, or whether you do at all, isn’t so important in the big scheme of things, because we’re talking about the most important thing(s) ever, whatever that is or they are. We can be absolutely certain about that.

  34. ogremeister says

    Has the Romney flip flop effect taken hold of you?

    I neither agree nor disagree that it either may or may not have taken hold or let go of me or you.

  35. dpearson says

    As someone who works in the crop insurance business I can assure you there is no Asshole Jesus crop insurance because it requires evidence that Asshole Jesus caused damages. We all know how much evidence he leaves around.

    Wait…on second thought we could sell the insurance and never have to pay a claim. Woot. $$

  36. Lofty says

    I agree that Pope Ratzi Nazi is both evil and just, crackers and wise, nasty and nice, ridiculous and amazing, all at the same time.

  37. Sastra says

    @ consciousnessrazor #49:

    I agree.

    Look, some people say that God exists; some people say that it doesn’t. My own agreeable stance is that the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

    Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can’t we all be brothers? –Jack Handey

  38. consciousness razor says

    My own agreeable stance is that the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

    Yep. If the middle were false, the truth would have to be on both sides, separated by it (as can easily be shown with a geometric proof!); but that is impossible because there can only be one truth, which is that everything is true and false at the same time.

  39. Randomfactor says

    But wait…I am getting so confuzzled!

    The earth was created a little over 6000 years ago at the apparent age of over four billion years.

    Now for my next trick, I’m going to prove that black is white as soon as I cross this str—

  40. No Light says

    for an end to anti-bunny sentiment.

    Ohhh they’ve got to you. Haven’t they? What about the pro-bunny stuff, eh. Disney, Warner Bros., Beatrix Potter, Margery Williams, AA Milne…

    If you could see what they’re capable of, see through the lovey, fluffy, gentle fuzzywuzzybunnykin propaganda of the CabaLagomorphs, you’d know in your heart that rabbits were the only group that could have done 9/11.

    What makes planes work? Wires. What are modern buildings’ infrastructures run on? Wires. What do rabbits have an almost supernatural ability to detect and destroy?

    *nods* Exactly.

    Why do you think WiFi was invented? To save us from lagomorph-induced disaster. The ‘b’ in 802.11b? Bunnyproof.

    Spread the word, brothers and sisters. Save the world from the furry dev…

    I mean, bunnies are awesome and clever, and fabulous! Buy one, buy twenty, welcome them into your homes and lives!

    (Help me. Mine have rumbled me. I fear I may not have any chargers left by morning…)

  41. cm's changeable moniker says

    It’s quantum superposition.

    It’s all true (and all false) all of the time.

    Nietzsche

    Easy costume. It’s all about the moostosh.

  42. Yellow Thursday says

    Just for today, I agree with my coworker who told me, “it wouldn’t hurt you to get some church in you.”

    But I won’t promise not to take notes and critique the preacher’s statements afterwards.

  43. Ichthyic says

    My own agreeable stance is that the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

    That must mean there’s gold in them thar hills!

  44. Ichthyic says

    “it wouldn’t hurt you to get some church in you.”

    well, not so long as you use the right lube, anyway.

  45. Owlmirror says

    I agree that God is as weak and vulnerable and broken and cuddly as Tiny Tim, and as powerful and alien and merciless and indifferent as Cthulhu. Simultaneously.

  46. Tony •Prom King of Sunnydale High• says

    If one seeks to get some church in them, please use blunt, sacred objects. The pointy ones tend to hurt.
    ****
    No Light @56:
    More like “buy two, get twenty free”
    (How many babies can momma rabbit produce at one time?)

  47. jose says

    PZ Myers is secretly a Muslim. That’s why he desecrated the Holy Eucharist. Just another step in the war against Christianity Muslims are waging that will eventually take over America.

  48. jupiter says

    The only way I can truly and fully participate in the Day of Agreement is to drink myself into a stupor and then pass out. I’m off to the liquor store. The brain cells that are killed in this endeavor will continue to fully participate for eternity.

  49. ogremeister says

    you’d know in your heart that rabbits were the only group that could have done 9/11.

    El-ahrairah up to his old tricks again, eh?

  50. carlie says

    El-ahrairah up to his old tricks again, eh?

    Silflay hraka, you embleer rah!

    That was my friends’ favorite curse in high school. Because we were all nerds.

  51. Gregory Greenwood says

    Bronze Dog @ 16;

    Being an adult means dealing with disagreement, conflict, and disappointment. Dealing with it does not mean covering it up with a facade of smiles and harmony. The first step in resolving a problem or a conflict is acknowledging its existence, not hiding it.

    Agreed. I can’t stand the creepy ‘Stepford Wives’ mentality of people who deal with everything with the same fixed, rictus grin. Who think that the most important thing in the world is to mouth insincere platitudes rather than actually addressing the issues, and for whom the only unforgiveable transgression is *gasp* rudeness.

    Such an attitude creates immense social inertia – a stodgy environment calibrated to maintain the status quo – however unjust and bigoted it may be – all in the name of avoiding dealing with the ‘unpleasantness’ of confronting just how much their privileged existences depend upon the disefranchisement and ostracision of others.

  52. jose says

    Bronze Dog and Sastra,
    this was supposed to be like a first hand experience of what it is like to live in a regime where disagreement is outlawed and can get you in prison or dead. We suffered a regime like that from the 30s to the 70s here and many countries have it right now.

    Its purpose is to emphasize how important the ability to be critical of things is over superficially reasonable comments about valid criticism being offensive (or “islamophobic”), etc

  53. Ichthyic says

    PZ Myers is secretly a Muslim. That’s why he desecrated the Holy Eucharist. Just another step in the war against Christianity Muslims are waging that will eventually take over America.

    I agree. What’s more, he’s secretly a Christian, that’s why he at the same time desecrated a copy of the Koran.

    He’s also a creationist, which is why he included a page from one of Dawkins’ books.

    Yup, I agree PZ is a radical Islamic Christian Creationist!

    …but, he’s NOT a litterbug, that much is clear from the fact that he dumped it all correctly into a litterbin.

    Iron Eyes Cody would be proud.

  54. No Light says

    Ogremeister – It was all masterminded by the Black Rabbit of Inle. He got too big for his paws. Bad bunny. Nevar furget.

    Tony – a lot. Fortunately doe-on-doe action, no matter how frenzied, produces nothing more than the odd bite on the nose and some torn out fur.

    I’d be terrified to even have spayed or neutered does and bucks together. Two bunnies are bad enough. I still have nightmares (after almost six years) that one day we’ll come home from a day out, and find a litter of kits destroying all we hold dear.

  55. Ichthyic says

    find a litter of kits destroying all we hold dear.

    true story:

    When I was about 18, give or take, I did a lot of hiking and camping in Joshua Tree (Mojave desert). I was always amused by the ever friendly grasshopper mice that would drop by the campfire for handouts. Quite tame little things (about half an ounce) with long tails with a little tuft at the end.

    Finally decided to try bringing one home as a pet…

    I put it in a 2 inch thick large styrofoam cooler, with lots of desert sand, rocks, and other things to enliven the “habitat”. Mouse seemed to adjust quickly, was feeding fine, etc.

    About 2 weeks after this, I went on a trip to Catalina for the weekend, and left plenty of food and water in the enclosure for the tiny mouse.

    Monday… I open my bedroom door to a complete disaster scene! It looked like someone broke into the room! The window blinds (one of those levelor numbers) had been chewed on diagonally opposite sides, so it looked like someone had trying to make switchbacks out of them. The bed had obvious holes chewed on the top and sides. EVERY single electrical cord in the room had been chewed through. There was a hole in one of the stereo speakers.

    This tiny little mouse had easily chewed through the 2 inches of styrofoam of the enclosure, and proceeded to wreak vengeance on my entire room, doing about 500.00 worth of damage to it in the day and half I was gone! I found it had burrowed into the underside of my mattress and was now nesting there.

    I got the message. We took the mouse back to Joshua Tree the next day and let it go exactly where I found it.

  56. robster says

    Such deserved disrespect for the saviour on a stick. Bit like a kebab really, with a wine chaser. I know there’s a vitamin C, is there a vitamin J?

  57. Tony •Prom King of Sunnydale High• says

    Naked Bunny:

    What were we talking about?

    Your so vain. I bet you think this thread is about you…
    (I can’t sing worth a damn, but in my head it was catchy :)

    I believe we were talking about Bugs, Babs and Buster.

  58. shuckstuck says

    I had crackers for my supper last night before I went to bed (along with some mature cheddar and a nice Rioja). I only read your post this morning. Can I agree retrospectively or do I have to wait til next year?

  59. DLC says

    @Chigau #85 : well I think it was actually a Leica RF camera body.(they made such an item? I’m no expert. ) But hey, as long as we’re being Agreeable, let’s just agree to whichever one Kook wants.

  60. Tony •Prom King of Sunnydale High• says

    chigau:
    Yup. It’s over.
    No more need to be agreeable.
    Today is the day to be gay!

  61. No Light says

    Shit, that’s today? Was I supposed to wait, or are preemptive expressions of gaiety ok?

  62. cham826 says

    Until the religious acknowledge and participate in blasphemy day, I have no interest in the day of agreement.

  63. says

    carlie and ogremeister:

    Silflay hraka, you embleer rah!

    That was my friends’ favorite curse in high school. Because we were all nerds.

    Sweet goodness, I’ve finally found my people. Where were you when I was in high school and why weren’t you around for me to hang out with?
    In related news, I also learned Elvish in high school. I tried to teach my friends, but then they all went off to play xbox instead. Story of my life, really.

  64. anteprepro says

    I simultaneously agree with everything and its opposite! Now I know how fundies feel! What a wonderful horrible thing!

  65. ChasCPeterson says

    grasshopper mice that would drop by the campfire for handouts. Quite tame little things (about half an ounce) with long tails with a little tuft at the end.

    That’s a pocket mouse. Grasshopper mice have pitifully short tails.