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Why, yes, we do have douchecanoes in Minnesota

It’s not just Michele Bachmann! We have a whole fleet of Rethuglican douchecanoes paddling away in our state legislature. Allow me to introduce you to Senator Paul Gazelka, who introduced a bill that would require a doctor to hover over women who use RU-486 (this bill, another example of Republican meddling in women’s lives, was fortunately vetoed by our Democratic Governor Mark Dayton). Gazelka was asked whether he also favored similar intrusions into men’s sexual lives, for instance in requiring that Viagra only be administered under a doctor’s supervision. Ho ho, you say, you already know how quickly he’ll back away from that one.

comparing Viagra to RU-486 was comparing apples and oranges or more like comparing life and death. Viagra is a wonderful medical advancement in that can help couples with sexual disfunction issues…it can even help in producing life. RU486 always destroys life by taking the life of the unborn child.

So that’s why Republicans like drugs that combat erectile dysfunction — it’s so they can create life. How sweet…so they never use the combination of Viagra + contraception, I presume?

Robin Marty asked a somewhat different question.

I also asked Sen. Gazelka if, in light of its "wonderful" qualities, he himself used the medication, or would consider sponsoring legislation that would create a database of information such as name, address, medical history, familial history, phone number, age and sexual history for those who are prescribed Viagra, to be handed over to the state department of health, such as databases created in various other states to gather information on women who obtain abortions.

He told me no comment to both questions.

But I think that’s perfectly fair! I say, let them have full access to Viagra, but as long as we’re snooping on women’s sexual histories, it’s entirely reasonable to apply the rules equally and have comparable databases of men’s sexual purchases.

They have nothing to be ashamed of. I’m sure they’re only purchasing Viagra in association with conjugal and procreative relations, and they’ll be ably to proudly point to each and every child that they spawn with every bottle of Viagra. They could even make the receipt or prescription for their erectile aids the first entry in the kid’s baby book.

Comments

  1. A. R says

    And everyone who is prescribed Viagra must first have a trans-penile ultrasound to determine if their penises are healthy.

  2. says

    From the link:

    “Once again, Gov. Dayton has come to the defense of the abortion industry at the expense of women’s safety,” said MCCL Executive Director Scott Fischbach to LifeNews. “This is the seventh pro-life initiative that would protect women and unborn children that has been vetoed. The Dayton record is now clear: he is no friend of women or their babies.”

    Protect women. Of course! We need to be protected from ourselves and our fuzzy pink lady brainz that might get confused and think that we are intelligent humans who are capable of making our own decisions! Thanks, Big Brother, for disabusing me of that notion!

  3. WhiteHatLurker says

    Okay, Robin Marty sounds like a country singer whose songs detail cowboys starting dead and coming back to life as bullets shoot out of them, but I like his reportage.

  4. robro says

    Since the righteous ring-wing Rethuglicans are so concerned about sexuality, I propose that those among them who use Viagra should be required to have an audience present at the time of conjugal joining to make sure the medication is put to proper use. Perhaps we even need TV crews there to film the event for the 11 o’clock news. We don’t want these old White guys getting a little stiffy and then have it just get blown away. Do we? That would be a waste of the procreative powers of this wonderful medication and, I’m sure, a sin in the eyes of The Lord. A…men!

  5. says

    Is “douchecanoes” pronounced ending like canoe like the small narrow boat, or ending like in volcanoes? Either would suffice to convey the meaning I think, but maybe the volcano pronounciation more.

  6. says

    I propose that those among them who use Viagra should be required to have an audience present at the time of conjugal joining to make sure the medication is put to proper use.

    And then I’d like to see Rush Limbaugh get up and testify before congress about all those times he was impotent and required chemical assistance.
    Wait–no. No I wouldn’t.

  7. says

    Robro, I don’t want to see that. Nope. I say, pass bills, amendments, make it law that if a man wants a scrip for viagra, it must be used for procreation only. If there’s no verified pregnancy within a certain amount of months, no more viagra for you!

  8. says

    Patricia,
    Just for you, I Googled “Viagra” and “medicare” (with safe search off!) and according to the first link that I hastily clicked, yes Viagra is covered, since ’05.

    Medicare’s new prescription benefit will cover sexual performance drugs, like Viagra, in addition to medications for such ailments as high blood pressure and heart disease, program officials confirmed Monday.

    The move into what some consider “lifestyle” — rather than life-saving — pharmaceuticals is being criticized by conservatives, who see it as an unnecessary frill for a program that already is projected to cost at least $400 billion over its first decade.

    And oh ho ho! Conservatives did not like this idea at all. Color me shocked.
    If anyone knows anything more current, have at it, there’s only so far down that rabbit hole that I’d like to go.

  9. WhiteHatLurker says

    @Caine, Fleur du mal, OM
    Correct in one. I just imagine one of Robin Marty’s songs ending “… As I walked in from the streets of Laredo.”

    @Dr. Audley Z. Darkheart, liar and scoundrel
    Ooops. My bad. Rewrite:
    … but I like her reportage.

  10. Victor says

    Since the senator is certain that Viagra is being used to produce life, isn’t the failure of a user to produce offspring prima facie evidence of “fetal murder”?

  11. Patricia, OM says

    Audley – Oh sweet, sexual performance drugs are covered, but I had to BEG for pain medication for a cervical biopsy. Well done America.

  12. captainahags says

    Wait, so is douchecanoe pronounced like tippecanoe, or more like. . . fooshcanoe? Inquiring minds want to know.

  13. says

    No no. We legislate vasectomies. Can’t claim there’s any way they help reproduction to make more good Christian children. Totally for fun. I’d know.

    I actually did have my (general practitioner) doctor ask me questions that seemed intrusive and tell me, well, you know, you might want kids and would regret gettin your junk snipped when I mentioned I wanted a vasectomy. Then he reluctenly referred me to a urologist to do it.

    When I went to the urologist that would do the operation, he asked me how old I am and if I had kids. I told him fearing he would say, “But you could bring so many children into the world for Jesus to love!” No, he just asked for the data then said, “Huh, a lot of young guys without kids are doing this. So! When do you want to make the appointment?” Also, his name was Dr. Love. I’m not making this up.

  14. chigau (副) says

    I want to vote for pronouncing “douchecanoes” to rhyme with “volcanoes”.
    It’s so much more … graphic.
    (for giggles, put douchecanoes into google translate and hit the “listen” button)

  15. captainahags says

    Douchecanoe and Romney too! Only works if you pronounce the e though.

  16. Lycanthrope says

    chigau:

    Couldn’t get the Listen button to work, but I did chuckle when Google Translate asked, “Did you mean ‘douche canoes’?”.

  17. chigau (副) says

    Lycanthrope
    fyi googlespeak
    .
    douchecanoes
    dow check a noos
    .
    douche canoes
    dow check? a noos

  18. Uncle Glenny says

    I propose that those among them who use Viagra should be required to have an audience present at the time of conjugal joining to make sure the medication is put to proper use.

    If God had intended these douchecanoes to have sex He would have given them boners.

  19. DLC says

    I would propose the opposite treatment for boys and man-children.
    At the age of 13, each boy must be given a state-mandated valve-installation vasectomy. As they are incapable of using their sperm wisely, this will prevent them from spilling their seed upon the ground, which is an abomination in God’s Eye.
    Particularly if you spill your seed in god’s eye. he just hasn’t any sense of humor about that. The mandated vasectomy cannot be reversed except if the man’s wife petitions a judge for a permit to get pregnant, and then may only be used until there is a verified pregnancy, after which time the vasectomy shall be restored. After all, you man-childs out there clearly can’t keep control of yourselves to the point where a proper woman has to cover herself from head to toe and exile herself during her menstruation, so it’s only proper that proper controls be in place for the protection of poor hapless men who can’t control themselves.

  20. says

    “Once again, Gov. Dayton has come to the defense of the abortion industry at the expense of women’s safety,”

    Well, I’m fully in favour of women only being allowed to take RU486 while in medical care if they can produce valid data that it poses a health risk to her that needs medical supervision
    But you know what can have such dangerous health risks? Viagra! Can lead to heart attacks! Therefore I think that is would be seriously irresponsible to let men walk out of the doctor’s office with a prescription and allow them to use viagra at their own disclosure.
    So, viagra should be administered within the doctor’s office and the men have to stay there as long as the effect lasts.
    Doctor’s will be happy to rent you a small bedroom where your wife (certificate of marriage required) can visit you.

  21. raven says

    Well, I’m fully in favour of women only being allowed to take RU486 while in medical care if they can produce valid data that it poses a health risk to her that needs medical supervision.

    Well it should be really. And usually is.

    The reason the issue is coming up is because there is now an underground movement and market for RU 486. This is because many states have put so many obstacles in the way of abortion and made it so expensive that desperate, mostly poor, women are getting RU486 over the internet and doing it themselves and hoping nothing goes wrong.

    Not an ideal situation but better than a coat hanger I guess.

    IIRC, both South Dakota and Mississippi have one abortion clinic open for the whole state, part time. If you live there, you have to travel elsewhere. If you can’t travel due to job, children, or not having a car, too bad. Suffer.

    Many studies over many decades shows one thing clearly. Making abortion illegal doesn’t stop abortion. The rate stays the same. It just makes it much more risky for women who end up getting illegal abortions or doing it themselves with RU 486.

  22. raven says

    I’ll add here that bills like this are part of a fundie xian movement to criminalize women who get abortions.

    In other words, get an abortion, go to jail.

    Given that the USA has one of the largest prisoner popuations in the world, both in absolute numbers and as a percentage, this will do wonders for our society. Prisoners are expensive, running around $50-100,000 dollars/year to house. It’s actually cheaper to send them to college.

    I guess they will pay for a few million new women prisoners by cutting taxes. That always works well, just like how Bush the idiot financed two wars by…cuting taxes.

    There is an underground market for RU 486 right now and desperate women are getting the drug and doing their own abortions. Imagine what it would be if abortion was illegal?

  23. raven says

    Idaho Woman Arrested For Abortion Is Uneasy Case For Both … – NPR
    ww.npr.org › News › Health

    9 Apr 2012 – POCATELLO, Idaho – An Idaho woman arrested for inducing her own abortion is taking her case to federal court. Jennie Linn McCormack was …

    Here is our glorious fundie xian future.

    DIY abortion is already illegal in some states.

    This woman IIRC, has three children already. She got pregnant, got RU 486 over the internet, and did a DIY abortion because she was too broke to get a medical one, the nearest abortion clinic being hundreds of miles away in Utah.

    Even the fundie xians sometimes get a little disturbed by stuff like this. In their hell on earth ideal society, millions of women would be locked up in prison for abortions and related crimes like possessing birth control while being fertile.

    Those women are going to be people’s mothers, sisters, wives, and daughters. Oh well, I suppose you can see them if you want to travel hundreds of miles to their concentration camps during visiting hours.

  24. unbound says

    How about a law requiring that Viagra can only be prescribed for 2 to 3 pills at a time, and that prescription can only be filled when a doctor has certified that the woman is fertile? So no refills since fertility would have to be certified each month and a new prescription written each month. Of course if the woman becomes pregnant, there will be no further prescriptions written until they decide to try having a child again. And, of course, if the woman is infertile, then there will be no need for the male to get the prescription.

    I would think that should meet all the criteria that senator douchecanoe could think of since Viagra is to be used for procreation.

  25. says

    Perhaps erectile disfunction drugs should only be prescribed for those who are using their penises for procreative purposes.

  26. ema says

    Associated deaths:

    Tylenol 150/year
    Pregnancy related 13/100,000 live births
    Viagra 5/100,000 prescriptions
    Mifepristone (RU-486) 1/100,000 prescriptions

    Viagra is a wonderful medical advancement in that can help couples with sexual disfunction issues…it can even help in producing life. RU486 always destroys life by taking the life of the unborn child.

    If only the uterine containers were alive, we (and by “we” I mean piece of garbage politicians like Senator Paul Gazelka) could make factual statements that RU-486 is a wonderful medical advancement in that it significantly reduces a pregnant woman’s mortality risk.

    But they aren’t, so, in a statement about a drug used by pregnant women, we don’t even acknowledge that the uterine containers exist.

  27. sanban says

    In fact, recent studies show that countries with restrictive abortion laws have MORE abortions and, of course, more deaths of women and children.
    Check it out:
    hthttp://thinkprogress.org/health/2012/01/19/407155/no-link-between-restrictive-abortion-laws-abortin-rates/

  28. dianne says

    Viagra is a wonderful medical advancement in that can help couples with sexual disfunction issues…it can even help in producing life.

    Hmm…The risk of having a healthy baby decreases when the father is older. And if the father was taking viagra to make the baby, no matter what his age, then he was clearly not entirely fit and healthy. I vote that any children born as a result of men taking viagra can sue their fathers for any problems they have in life, including not getting into MIT.

  29. dianne says

    And everyone who is prescribed Viagra must first have a trans-penile ultrasound to determine if their penises are healthy.

    It’s a thought, but I have a few amendments: Any man requesting a viagra* prescription must first have a full cardiac workup to ensure that he is fit and not likely to experience…untoward effects…from the exertion involved with sexual activity. In fact, if he can’t run a 10K, it’s probably best to not prescribe, just to be safe.

    Then too there should be workup for other causes of impotence before starting a drug that only works for idiopathic impotence. A transrectal ultrasound of the prostate with biopsies is therefore necessary. Maybe a series, to make sure there’s no change over time. Say, monthly for a year. Of course, some impotence is psychiatric, so an extensive psychiatric workup including a detailed sexual history would be necessary. Results should be distributed to pharmacists. Strictly to make sure no man goes about trying to get viagra with a faked prescription.

    Sexual intercourse has certain risks and we can’t ever be sure that the med will be used only for good. Therefore, a detailed exam for STDs including random penile and anal biopsies to rule out HPV colonization are needed. Again, results should be distributed to pharmacists. Maybe published-without the names of the men involved, of course, but with details such as zip code where they live, number of children they have, age, and so on included. And, of course, the name of the doctor who prescribed it. Just to, um, make record keeping simple.

    I feel dirty having written this, even as a satire. I can’t imagine how a legislator could possibly feel happy and justified making restrictions like the ones I sarcastically proposed here for real.

    BTW: There are real risks to viagra. Men with heart problems should not take it, especially if they’re on any nitrates. There are alternatives, some of them safer. Some workup may, in fact, be necessary before taking any drug to treat impotence, including some determination of etiology. But if you suspect your doctor is just harassing you with the tests s/he demands, go elsewhere.

    *Of course, by “Viagra” I mean any drug for the treatment of impotence. Including herbals. Herbal meds for impotence are evil any way: Kids, don’t take the rhino horn: It doesn’t work and contributes to extinction of the rhino.

  30. David Marjanović says

    Prisoners are expensive, running around $50-100,000 dollars/year to house. It’s actually cheaper to send them to college.

    !!!

    If that’s not a great argument for free access to university for everyone, I don’t know what is.

    Kids, don’t take the rhino horn: It doesn’t work and contributes to extinction of the rhino.

    Of all of the at least six species of rhino, you mean.

  31. Brother Ogvorbis: Advanced Accolyte of Tpyos says

    If that’s not a great argument for free access to university for everyone, I don’t know what is.

    But well-educated people are less likely to be religious. Do you really think conservative Christians are that stupid? How can they control the women with an educated populace?

  32. says

    Patricia,

    Oh sweet, sexual performance drugs are covered, but I had to BEG for pain medication for a cervical biopsy.

    Well, if you had the common decency to sport a penis instead of those oogie lady bits, you wouldn’t have had a problem. So, really, who’s to blame here?

    /snark

  33. michaelb says

    When you use the term “douchecanoe” to refer to Republican misogyny I feel sorry for feminine hygeine products and recreational watercraft.

  34. interrobang says

    That’s also not to mention that Viagra and any of its workalikes should never be taken by guys prone to migraines, as it’s basically an instant migraine in pill form. But other than all that, it’s a wonderful drug.

  35. Naked Bunny with a Whip says

    The problem I have with using “douchecanoe” as a pejorative is that it’s too fun to say, and I get distracted by my enjoyment.

    So I’ll just call Gazelka a festering pustule instead.

    Fuck you, Senator.

  36. Naked Bunny with a Whip says

    A douche isn’t very hygienic.

    And they probably don’t get used much in canoes, anyway.

    Though now I’m tempted to ask Google….

  37. raven says

    ww.npr.org › News › Health: (edited for length)
    Idaho Woman Arrested For Abortion Is Uneasy Case For Both Sides
    by Jessica Robinson

    Jennie McCormack tries to calm her three-year-old son, the youngest of her three kids. Photo by Jessica Robinson

    Jennie McCormack of Pocatello, Idaho, was arrested last year for inducing an abortion with RU-486 she got online. Photo by Jessica Robinson

    POCATELLO, Idaho – An Idaho woman arrested for inducing her own abortion is taking her case to federal court. Jennie Linn McCormack was charged last year under an obscure Idaho law for ending her pregnancy with RU-486.
    She joins an increasing number of women who get the so-called abortion pill off the internet.

    McCormack is a small, quiet woman in her early-30s and a single mom of three. McCormack was raised devoutly Mormon in Pocatello, Idaho, where she’s lived all her life — and until last year, she was used to going unnoticed.

    “I kind of always kept to myself. But I’ve never had enemies or anything thing,” McCormack says. “It’s different now.

    “The stares I get. I had to quit my job because people didn’t want me to help them.”

    Here is what Minnesota is trying to do. Some states already outlaw DIY abortion, Idaho is one of them.

    This woman lives in Pocatello Idaho which seems to have a large Mormon population. She is now an outcast in that town and had to quit her job.

    I’m sure that really helps those three little kids. And if mom goes to jail, it will help them even more.

    I’m guessing that if abortion is illegal, RU 486 will become like LSD, ecstasy, or marijuana. Illegal and widely available.

  38. johncryan says

    “Viagra to RU-486 was comparing apples and oranges”

    In other words, it’s comparing fruit to fruit–where’s the problem?

  39. raven says

    FYI:

    California Criminal Justice FAQ: How much does it cost to …
    ww.lao.ca.gov/laoapp/laomenus/sections/…/6_cj_inmatecost.aspx?…

    California’s Annual Costs to Incarcerate an … Per Inmate Costs …

    It costs an average of about $47000 per year to incarcerate an inmate in prison in California

    It really is cheaper to send them to college.

    California has a huge prisoner population and this contributes significantly to their chronic budget problems.

  40. rtmillic says

    This senator is full of shit.

    Viagra does not make you fertile, it makes you erect. Why do you think those commercials show older men with presumably post-menopausal wifes? It’s a drug designed for men with erectile disfuntion to enjoy sex, not to make babies. If he cared about making babies but couldn’t impregnate his wife due to ED, he would would donate his sperm to his wife via a bank. Viagra is about enjoying sex, not making babies.

    If he really wanted eliminated this sexist double standard he would enact laws allowing doctors to meddle in the lives of men who have vasectomies. Shooting blanks is “destroying life” and “messing with God’s domain” isn’t it? We’re waiting.

  41. Matt Penfold says

    Here in the UK the morning after pill is available without prescription from pharmacists to any women (including minors) who feels she needs it. The pharmacist must ask some questions, mostly regarding if the woman has a history of heart disease or problems with blood clotting(*).

    It is currently planned to allow access to the regular pill without prescription as well.

    *. A history of severe heart disease or blood clotting problems means the women must be referred to either her GP or a specialist consultant. In practice most women who would not be allowed the morning-after pill from the pharmacist will already know this, and will go direct to her doctor.

  42. Circe says

    How sweet…so they never use the combination of Viagra + contraception, I presume?

    At this stage, I probably would not be surprised if they made the argument that the combination was fine because the “life creating” points of one annihilated the “life destroying” points of the other.

    Although I do wonder what they think of using antibiotics. After all, those things do have the potential of killing some of those cells in their bodies that might potentially be used for “creating life” through the process of cloning. Wait, what do they think of cloning? Isn’t that “life creating” too?

  43. ema says

    Here in the UK the morning after pill is available without prescription from pharmacists….

    Just for clarity, RU-486 (mifepristone) is a different drug than the “morning after” ECP pill [Plan B One-Step/i-Pill/Next Choice/Nextchoice/Levonelle (levonorgestrel)] that’s available OTC in some countries, and even online (hehehe). It’s also different from the ella (ulipristal acetate) ECP.

    In any case, it’s not the RU-486’s safety profile (as compared to the ECP) that’s the problem when it comes to DIY abortions. It’s the fact that the two underlying conditions have very different risk profiles. Terminating a pregnancy has a higher risk vs. preventing one.

  44. fastlane says

    Ho ho, you say, you already know how quickly he’ll back away from that one.

    If we could harness it, we could make FTL drive.