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Apr 13 2012

The mystery of the disappearing laptop

That priest who flashed gay porn at his audience is being investigated, and something strange has happened: the laptop that he used has vanished completely and somewhat mysteriously. It’s also the only thing stolen from the priest’s home.

Makes you go “hmmm”, doesn’t it.

I’ve got two possible explanations: 1) them evil gays broke into his house to steal his legendary Gay Porn stash, or 2) Jesus teleported the computer to his party room in Heaven. I can’t imagine any other way this could happen.

Oh, OK, a priest could have intentionally destroyed evidence that he had a computer full of dowloaded porn, but that’s so ridiculous and ludicrous that it beggars belief. Priests have vows and a special connection to a beneficent god and know for sure that lying and masturbating to gay porn and using a condom or other such sinful apparatus would send them straight to hell, so they’d never ever do that. Ever.

53 comments

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  1. 1
    Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    It’s a miracle!

    Welp, I’m converted.

  2. 2
    Anthony K

    Where’s your cherished fucking conscience now, you fucking hypocrites?

  3. 3
    otrame

    Pathetic.

  4. 4
    Pierce R. Butler

    A similar miracle, involving water, played an amazingly similar role in the Freshwater case.

    How many instances does it take before we can declare this a replicable phenomenon?

  5. 5
    Cuttlefish

    Or some militant atheist stole it, in order to plant gay porn on it and deliver it to a news outlet.

    Remember, you read it here first.

  6. 6
    Dick the Damned

    Couldn’t he just say that the devil did it? (Plant the porn.)

    That would be the most consistent magic.

  7. 7
    Anthony K

    Or some militant atheist stole it, in order to plant gay porn on it and deliver it to a news outlet.

    Remember, you read it here first.

    If that’s the case, then I expect we’ll hear the Catholic Church lauding said atheist for the kindness: Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

  8. 8
    Moggie

    It’s not the end of the world: since he was using the laptop for work, he has backups, right? Right?

  9. 9
    Worldtraveller

    Priests have vows and a special connection to a beneficent god and know for sure that lying and masturbating to gay porn and using a condom or other such sinful apparatus would send them straight to hell, so they’d never ever do that. Ever.

    You’ve got something in your beard, PZ…right there…little to the left…oh..that’s sarcasm. Here’s a napkin. =)

  10. 10
    Usernames are smart

    Maybe instead of trying to foist their craptastulic “rules” on everyone else, they could start with themselves.

    I’ll bet the priest wouldn’t have strayed from the flock if the 10 commandments had been posted in his house.</sarcasm>

  11. 11
    Naked Bunny with a Whip

    I sure hope the kids chip in their first communion money to get him a replacement laptop.

  12. 12
    Sili

    Well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

    Considering how incompetent he’d already showed himself to be around computers, I suppose it was indeed too much to expect him to just – yanno – delete the fucking files (or fucking-files, rather). Better get rid of the computer paid for with parishioners money completely. That’s gonna arouse much less suspicion than an empty recycle bin, I’m sure.

    Ye gods!

  13. 13
    barbyau

    I’d say it’s insulting to the intelligence of human beings to try to pull this stunt. Do we look like idiots? But then I remembered he mostly works with and associates with people who are still active with the Catholic Church. So believing the highly improbably over the statistically likely is right up their alley.

  14. 14
    barbyau

    *improbable

  15. 15
    barbyau

    Sili – I’m guessing he was smart enough to realize he didn’t know how to delete it off his laptop in a way that data recovery experts can’t get it.

  16. 16
    Ray, rude-ass yankee

    (snark)I completely understand. I too, keep all my gay porn on my work computer. Ur, Uh, I mean, it must have been planted by those damned atheists! (/snark)

  17. 17
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    1) them evil gays broke into his house to steal his legendary Gay Porn stash

    Wut?

    If 16 pictures of nekkid men is legendary, then my porn habits are astronomical.

  18. 18
    Moggie

    I’m assuming the 16 pictures were merely the tip of a vast gay iceberg.

  19. 19
    Crudely Wrott

    Lessee . . . the pix were on a dongle plugged into a laptop. The dongle is rushed offstage and then later the laptop, just the laptop, mind you, was stolen.

    The mistake that the good father made was not knowing which device actually contained the fucking-files (thanks, Sili). Perhaps the files in question, or others of similar content, were resident on both devices?

    In any event, this not only has the stink of what we have come to associate with the Big Church, but also the background funk of computer illiteracy. Blanket fail.

  20. 20
    Sili

    barbyau

    Sili – I’m guessing he was smart enough to realize he didn’t know how to delete it off his laptop in a way that data recovery experts can’t get it.

    Because the RCC is really gonna bring out the big guns to clear up this case?

  21. 21
    sabaideenattily

    That priest must be pretty bummed…

  22. 22
    jemimacole

    So, has that laptop been shuffled off to another diocese, do you think?

    What I don’t understand about this case: yeah, it was embarrassing, but it was a PTA meeting, it was adults in the room, and the police said no crime had been committed.

    You’d think that the Catholic Church would be shouting from the rooftops that a priest had managed to go to a primary school without committing a crime.

  23. 23
    DLC

    Gawd Transsubstantiated the laptop into a tea cozy.

  24. 24
    feralboy12

    I’m guessing he was smart enough to realize he didn’t know how to delete it off his laptop in a way that data recovery experts can’t get it.

    And I’m guessing he tried shaking it like an Etch-a-Sketch, only to find the images stubbornly remaining on the screen.

  25. 25
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    Moggie:

    I’m assuming the 16 pictures were merely the tip of a vast gay iceberg.

    Oh, right. The 16 pics that started this mess were on a flash drive, weren’t they?

    My bad, yo. I should never have assumed that I have a worse porn habit than a priest.

  26. 26
    AlanMac

    Priest can most certainly lie, remember that whole “Mental Reservations” deal. And if priests can lie, what about the Pope.

  27. 27
    wcorvi

    GOD must have taken it. That is the only logical explanation.

  28. 28
    robro

    Sili — Perhaps they…i.e. the priest and his bosses…were concerned that the PSNI would get involved again. They might have the technical people to scan the drive.

    Has the flash-drive disappeared too?

  29. 29
    noastronomer

    Don’t worry, just wait three daya and nights and the laptop will be sure to show up. It’ll only be around for a couple of days once it re-appears though and then it’ll be gone for at least 2,000 years.

  30. 30
    Winterwind

    It’s a miracle! The laptop was assumed into heaven. (Presumably by Saint Erotus, the patron saint of computer malfunctions and imprudent pornography.)

  31. 31
    kemist, Dark Lord of the Sith

    Don’t worry, just wait three daya and nights and the laptop will be sure to show up.

    Yet no one will recognize it as its hard drive will pure and formated.

  32. 32
    leftwingfox

    It was raptured.

    Hence the lack of clothing on the men.

  33. 33
    Ms. Daisy Cutter, General Manager for the Cleveland Steamers

    1) them evil gays broke into his house to steal his legendary Gay Porn stash…

    C’mon, Josh, give poor Father McPervey his stash back. Stealing’s a sin, you know.

  34. 34
    samsalerno

    So where is the recording of this talk? We know about it for some reason. Someone has evidence of it besides the priest.

  35. 35
    unclefrogy

    my guess would be that the lap top’s disappearance was ordered if not carried out by the local bishops to keep some control of the scandal, regardless they are not sorry the lap top is unavailable.

    uncle frogy

  36. 36
    Democritus NOW!

    Are your sure it wasn’t the albino monk Silas who broke into the priest’s apartment while wearing a hairshirt and secreted the laptop away in order to preserve the continuity of the diocesan power structure?

  37. 37
    Josh, Official SpokesGay

    C’mon, Josh, give poor Father McPervey his stash back. Stealing’s a sin, you know.

    Girrrrrlllll, please. My porn stash is way hotter than Father McFeeley’s.

  38. 38
    anubisprime

    The surprise is that anyone might actually be surprised!

    As in most things, the culprit/s have sufficient leeway to dispose of the incriminating!
    By the time the ‘ol bill trundle up tis sorted and disappeared!

    Similar scenario at News International in Blighty, only they had advance warning and about a couple of years to get rid of the very uncomfortable stuff, they even employed a company to ‘clean’ ( or is that sanitize?) their server/s of any spurious archived e-mail or pay sheets with job descriptions with various private detective agencies!
    They really wanted any paper & electronic trail to go colder then a polar bears tit.
    It was sanctioned as a ‘system spring clean’ suddenly quickly scheduled right before the story went really toxic, of which they again had ample warning because they were a media outlet with connections,…yeah right how very believable!

    But they still screwed up, a couple pesky documents still popped above the parapet by which time it was a little difficult to erase with a few independent inquiries sifting through reams of, what possibly News International thought were clean reams.
    Hence the tag line NI use in public is that they provided the evidence that highlighted the shenanigans.

    Well they certainly did..by an incompetent accident seemingly!

    Besides the real damaging stuff was held in cop archives all along and nobody really cared a toss, until it all got rather hysterical in the country and the cops did not want to sit on that particular time bomb anymore!

    But as for dumbfuck priests…the mere fact he is still there, not even suspended until it is investigated, and laptops mysteriously disappear with relevant evidence means that Katolik inc. have decided business as usual and the cops are not seriously concerned.

  39. 39
    'Tis Himself

    the laptop that he used has vanished completely and somewhat mysteriously.

    God works in mysterious ways, his something-or-other to perform.

  40. 40
    jemimacole

    Perhaps we could demonstrate that atheists are also capable of charitable acts, that we understand what this poor priest is going through at this difficult time, and send him some replacement porn?

  41. 41
    stonyground

    The part of this story that I found amazing was that at the end of the meeting they were still shaking the collection tin.

  42. 42
    Ogvorbis: Still failing at being human.

    The part of this story that I found amazing was that at the end of the meeting they were still shaking the collection tin.

    Of course they were! You don’t think anyone can find porn on line for free, do you? You have to pay for it! (I think this is part of the Miracle of the Magic Hand of the Free Market? (as opposed to the Miracle of the Magic Hand which is a horse of a different colour))

  43. 43
    rbh3

    This reminds me of the Freshwater affair (PDF) in which two–count ‘em, two–laptops went on the blink. First Freshwater’s lawyer’s laptop was destroyed in a flood, taking with it billing information that was evidence of when certain affidavits were prepared. Then Freshwater’s laptop similarly went on the blink, also taking with it information relevant to the case. God is tough on laptops, it appears.

  44. 44
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    Perhaps we could demonstrate that atheists are also capable of charitable acts, that we understand what this poor priest is going through at this difficult time, and send him some replacement porn?

    I’m down. Does anyone have the horny priest’s email address?

    Or, since the laptop has been “stolen”, maybe we should send it to the bishop– I’m sure he’ll know where to forward it from there.

  45. 45
    bubblewrap74

    I’m surprised that nobody on here is saying this but… isn’t it possible that someone who wanted to make the priest look bad stole the usb key and planted some x-rated stuff on there? I mean, how hard would that be? Not at all. Just because the guy’s a priest, doesn’t automatically mean he’s a child pornographer. I thought we’re supposed to be a bunch of scientists and skeptics around here.

    It wouldn’t explain why the laptop has disappeared, though.

    Anyway, I’m glad it is being investigated, but with the kind of rampant automatic condemnation going on around here, who would believe it even if the guy was exonerated?

    -Not a Catholic Church Fan

  46. 46
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    Well bubblewrap, unlike you, at least the rest of us can read.

    There’s been no mention of child porn, the issue was gay porn.

    So, yeah, it’s not a stretch to think that an adult male might have some regular-people pornography on his laptop.

  47. 47
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    Also, in light of:

    That priest who flashed gay porn at his audience is being investigated…

    and

    1) them evil gays broke into his house to steal his legendary Gay Porn stash…

    and

    Priests have vows and a special connection to a beneficent god and know for sure that lying and masturbating to gay porn and using a condom or other such sinful apparatus would send them straight to hell, so they’d never ever do that.

    Where the fuck do you get “child porn” from? You’ve either competely skipped reading the OP or you’re one of those odious assholes that doesn’t know that being gay =/= molesting children.

    Which is it, bubblewrap? Lazy or bigoted?

  48. 48
    David Marjanović

    the fucking files (or fucking-files, rather)

    I like your way with hyphens.

  49. 49
    Sili

    If you like, I’ll show you my hyphen come October.

  50. 50
    supernova

    @#45 bubblewrap74

    I’m surprised that nobody on here is saying this but… isn’t it possible that someone who wanted to make the priest look bad stole the usb key and planted some x-rated stuff on there?

    It can’t be completely ruled out I guess but his reaction as described doesn’t seem to back it up. He quickly dashed out of the room without saying a word. If it really had been planted, don’t you think he would have said something at least? I mean, at least expressed some shock – stated he had no idea where it came from, simply dashing out of the room seems to show he knew exactly what had happened straight away.

    The very convenient “burglary” in which only his laptop was stolen at just the right time seems to confirm this. Though if he was tech savvy he would know that there is software which (it is claimed) can wipe a hard drive completely. Merely reformatting will not necessarily do this. I have been told the software will write random data onto the hard drive like a thousand times to ensure no traces of the original data remain.

  51. 51
    Liam

    If the guy has disposed of the laptop himself and reported a crime, he will end up in a lot of trouble when caught.

  52. 52
    jemimacole

    “If the guy has disposed of the laptop himself and reported a crime”

    OK … I know this is difficult for us to get our heads around, but this is a story in which ‘Catholic priest’ and ‘school’ appear in the same sentence but there *wasn’t* a crime or child abuse.

    Read the original report. The porn was shown to adults, at a PTA meeting. The police have said no crime was committed. The porn featured adults.

    The investigation was an *internal* church one. It didn’t involve the police.

    But, yes, Liam, you raise an interesting question: did the Church report the theft of the laptop to the police, or make an insurance claim?

    If they didn’t, it would be very suspicious, yes?

  53. 53
    Liam

    Exactly, I agree there was probably no crime initially. But they may have made it a very serious criminal manner if they invented a theft and are wasting police time investigating it.

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