Why I am an atheist – Niki M »« The dark side of Hitchens

Anti-Caturday post

Usually, I try to accentuate the positive and tell you why other animals are so much more interesting than cats, but today I’m going right for the gutter and showing you why cats are evil. Behold, the cat penis:

You know who else has a penis like that? Satan.

Now you have another reason to get your cats neutered — so they don’t ever use that nightmarish thing.

(Also on Sb)

Comments

  1. Dr. Audley Z. Darkheart, liar and scoundrel says

    It’s barbed, with more that a hundred tiny hooks.

    That’s as far as I got. Not the best choice of viewing this early in the morning.

  2. davidct says

    Another example of the beauty of nature that proves god or perhaps the devil. It all depends one which delusion fits the moment. To fully appreciate nature we need more squid sex.

  3. Lofty says

    Yep, all our cats get done ASAP. They’re quite sociable without their sex drive. Our current two are a treasure, warm and fuzzy and above all, cute. Unlike those slimy things you’re into. (They’re just awesome instead)

  4. says

    Without digging into their claims, I find some of what they say hard to believe. Penis barbs are used for scratching out previous sperm? Really?

  5. 'Tis Himself, OM says

    You know who else has a penis like that? Satan.

    How do you know that? Were you there?

  6. anuran says

    Sex can be a pretty visiou business.
    If you’re squicked by barbed cat penes think about what happens to the poor octopus, how bedbugs do it and the bizarre fate of the male lanternfish

  7. Dick the Damned says

    You know who else has a penis like that? Satan.

    And i guess in the Abrahamic religions’ theology, God, (the Bible Bogey, the Torah Tyrant, The Koran Kacker), created Satan. No wonder Lilith got pissed off.

  8. Dr. Audley Z. Darkheart, liar and scoundrel says

    If you’re squicked by barbed cat penes think about what happens to the poor octopus, how bedbugs do it and the bizarre fate of the male lanternfish

    Nope, still too early. Let me get another cup of coffee in me before I start contemplating that squickiness.

  9. DLC says

    But God Designed the cat’s gentleman’s sausage for a reason!
    it says so in teh bible! !! 11!

  10. Brownian says

    Barbs would be helpful when trying to tuck one’s chub under one’s belt in fourth period math class and have it stay there.

    These gecko-esque setae are useless bullshit.

  11. rowanvt says

    Neutering doesn’t just stop the mating urge… but those barbs are kept there by testosterone. When you neuter a cat, the barbs slowly go away! And the cat penis also faces ‘backwards’, which is why they have to sit so oddly to mate.

    Cats are really really weird animals.

  12. Dick the Damned says

    Suckers are so much more effective.

    That’s because they get organized in churches, temples, mosques, etc.

  13. Brownian says

    Suckers are so much more effective.

    I thought I had those too!

    Turned out to be ringworm.

    I should really keep better track of where I put this thing.

  14. lordshipmayhem says

    You know who else has a penis like that? Satan.

    But Šatan’s wife Ingrid hasn’t complained at all, and indeed they have two young children together: Miroslav Jr and Viktoria.

    It can’t be that bad…

  15. Dr. Audley Z. Darkheart, liar and scoundrel says

    Brownian:

    I thought I had those too!

    Turned out to be ringworm.

    I should really keep better track of where I put this thing.

    ARGHFLARGL!

    That’s it. I’m stepping out of the Ghey Secks With Brownian line– some other sucker can have my spot.

  16. Brownian says

    Oh, Audley: like you’ve never lost something important, only to later find it behind the couch or in an IHOP syrup dispenser.

  17. schism says

    Now you have another reason to get your cats neutered — so they don’t ever use that nightmarish thing.

    No need to get judgmental about it. Cats are just into S&M, ain’t no thing.

  18. Ms. Daisy Cutter says

    My cat typically often wanders up to me while I’m at the computer to be held and petted. I was holding her when I started watching this video. After the female housecat in the video shrieked for the first time, my cat stopped purring and glared at the screen. After the second shriek, she got up and walked away.

  19. Ms. Daisy Cutter says

    Oh, and yeah, she’s spayed, but that happened after the local animal shelter found her wandering around pregnant with a litter of kittens.

  20. defaithed says

    Eve Cat non-nommed teh Maus o Gud’n’Evl. So Ceiling Cat sed to Eve Cat, “Ur gonna hav sum srs hurtz wen u giv birfs to yur kittehs. O, and also b4 that, wen Adam Cat boinks u, cuz just now ai put spikes on hiz junk. Srsly.”

    – Paraphrased from Genesis 3, the LOLCat Bible

  21. Dr. Audley Z. Darkheart, liar and scoundrel says

    Brownian:

    Oh, Audley: like you’ve never lost something important, only to later find it behind the couch or in an IHOP syrup dispenser.

    Yeah, but it never came back with ringworm!! (It was Denny’s, not IHOP. Probably a miracle that I didn’t find it with something worse than ringworm, come to think of it.)

  22. shouldbeworking says

    If gawd deigned the human penis, why is it required inthe rule book to get an after-market mod?

  23. Rey Fox says

    At least you never found yours being sold by a street vendor on Second Avenue and had to haggle to get it back.

  24. carlie says

    Today is my first real Caturday in three months! :) If only I could find where that silly kitten is hiding…

    She’s a girl, so no barbed penes anywhere around here, thankyouverymuch.

  25. Brownian says

    That’s true, Rey. I didn’t have to haggle. The poor fellow was extremely grateful to give the accursed thing back.

    Probably a miracle that I didn’t find it with something worse than ringworm, come to think of it.

    If you’ve ever known anyone who’s worked there, you’ll never order the Ass Over My Hammy again.

  26. Gregory Greenwood says

    After first hearing about this some years ago, I must admit that I never looked at tom cats in quite the same way again.

    Even as a heterosexual bloke, the idea of a human barbed penis is wince-inducingly nasty. I can only imagine the kind of horror such an idea must hold for those among the horde who have greater contact with gentleman sausages than I.

    At least vagina dentata are simply an urban legend…

    … they are just an urban legend, right? Right?

  27. Dr. Audley Z. Darkheart, liar and scoundrel says

    Gregory:
    Here you go:

    I know, teeth in the vagina is an old joke – and I never thought I’d be reading something like this on my show. This piece goes back to an article I did some time ago about a gynecologist who reported that he actually saw some teeth in a vagina.

    Can you imagine? Day in and day out, nothing but pap smears, and then one day you put in the speculum and there are some choppers staring back at you!

    Well, that woman had a dermoid cyst. Dermoid cysts are derived from the outer layers of embryonic skin, and they are capable of growing hair and teeth and bones, anything that comes from the outer layers of the embryo. They can occur anywhere.

    So this woman had one in the pelvic region and the cyst grew teeth, and when it ruptured through the wall where her uterus joins her vagina – there were the teeth. In my practice once, I saw one in the eyelid.

    Teeth can grow in weird places.

    Sleep well tonight.

  28. Gregory Greenwood says

    Dr. Audley Z. Darkheart, liar and scoundrel @ 32;

    Teeth can grow in weird places.

    Sleep well tonight.

    Oh, what do know.

    *shudder*

    If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the foetal position…

  29. Ms. Daisy Cutter says

    Rey Fox:

    At least you never found yours being sold by a street vendor on Second Avenue and had to haggle to get it back.

    This happens all the time. It’s detachable.

  30. Part-Time Insomniac, Zombie Porcupine Nox Arcana Fan says

    Brownian, ringworm? On your . . . eww and . . . really?

    *hides under the bed covers whimpering*

  31. Dhorvath, OM says

    Ah shit, we have another Brownian clean up over here. Everyone get your suits on, I will take point. You, get that pressure up, garden hose just ain’t gonna cut it people.

  32. kristinc, ~delicate snowflake~ says

    She’s a girl, so no barbed penes anywhere around here, thankyouverymuch.

    Ah ha ha. I have no doubt you’re going to get her fixed, but trust me when I say that if you have an unspayed female cat the first time she goes into heat you will have crowds of barbed penises around, whether you want them or not.

  33. says

    It’s not actually true that domestic cats are loners. Their wild-type ancestors most likely were, but domestics and their feral descendents form colonies.

    *not talking about penes*

  34. Brownian says

    Brownian, ringworm? On your . . . eww and . . . really?

    I left it among a pile of sweaty socks and forgot to do laundry for a bit. I don’t see what the big deal is.

    Their wild-type ancestors most likely were, but domestics and their feral descendents form colonies.

    Like Hutterites? My cat won’t farm for shit.

  35. says

    I dealt with ringworm on and off for about ten years. I think it’s finally subsided. Interestingly, odds are good that I got it from a cat.
    It’s a great icebreaker at parties, though. “Say, did I mention I have ringworm?”
    It took a long time, but I did finally find an over-the-counter product that does some good. I believe the scientific name is “baby powder.”

  36. 'Tis Himself, OM says

    It’s a great icebreaker at parties, though. “Say, did I mention I have ringworm?”

    The woman discussed in #32 has you beat. “Say, did you know my vagina has teeth?”

  37. Ragutis says

    Brownian says:

    I should really keep better track of where I put this thing.

    I learned that valuable lesson back in ’92. (For you confused youngsters, there was a time when MTV featured music videos and performances)

  38. imthegenieicandoanything says

    Cheeses!

    PZ, it isn’t a crime at all, though quite an embarrassment at times, but you’re so American, middle-class CONVENTIONAL sometimes!!!!

    Ah, well. Even the best of us are just human beings: mortal and flawed ^ and I am not even close to being among the “best of us” but simply a mehum trying to live a honest life, and failing to see some large percentage of my own faults and hypocrisy.

  39. brett says

    I remember seeing a video in 9th or 10th grade that showed brief clips of a bunch of animals mating, from birds to elephants. Lions mating were probably there, but I remember the elephants and galapagos turtles mating clips more – the elephants because the male had a huge penis, and the galapagos because it actually look hilarious to see the male turtle on his hind legs, quivering with every thrust.

  40. carlie says

    have no doubt you’re going to get her fixed,

    Oh, she already has been. The last day or so I thought she was biting at the couple of stitches that haven’t dissolved yet, but then I realized she was self-suckling.

  41. Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls says

    You, get that pressure up, garden hose just ain’t gonna cut it people.

    Yeah, I had to get the fire hose out to clean up the Saloon after last night’s wake for Hitch. Not one shot glass (specially strengthened) was broken after all that Black Label was imbibed (saw several dented sledge hammers, so I know that there were several individuals who tried).

  42. Ms. Daisy Cutter says

    Yeah, mating tortoises are among the funniest sights in nature, no doubt.

    EEEEE! EEEEE! EEEEE!

  43. Part-Time Insomniac, Zombie Porcupine Nox Arcana Fan says

    Brownian, RINGWORM! Only one of the most disgusting things be afflicted with. Not that I ever had it, but pictures I’ve seen make me hope it stays that way for the rest of my life.

  44. palefury says

    It is likely (though not yet conclusively proven) that humans could still have penile spines if it weren’t for a single genomic deletion.
    Boy are us girls glad that this particular step in human evolution took place.

  45. catof many faces says

    P.Z.! For shame!

    I didn’t expect an argumentum ad bacculum from you! wait, those aren’t the bacculum…err, argumentum ad spiniculum? Ah heck I can’t remember enough latin for spines…

    heh.

  46. brontodon says

    If squid had a penis like that, you’d think it was awesome, and evidence of their vast superiority!