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So that’s paradise?

If ever you need a good emetic, all you have to do is listen to a Muslim cleric describe paradise. Apparently the magic virgins are creepily alien (flesh so translucent you can see their bone marrow? Who the hell finds that arousing??), and the men get upgraded genitals.

Each time we sleep with a Houri we find her virgin. Besides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal [Oh, no! Going to heaven is like being a 13 year old boy again!]; the sensation that you feel each time you make love is utterly delicious and out of this world and were you to experience it in this world you would faint. Each chosen one [i.e. Muslim] will marry seventy [sic] houris, besides the women he married on earth, and all will have appetizing vaginas.[Anatomy fail. Function fail.]

I hate to say this, but reading that description and watching that video certainly killed my erection. Where’s your god now, misogynist?

Also, I deny being in that video.

Comments

  1. Azkyroth says

    Do not taunt Rule 34.

    Each chosen one [i.e. Muslim] will marry seventy [sic] houris, besides the women he married on earth, and all will have appetizing vaginas.[Anatomy fail. Function fail.]

    Really do not taunt Rule 34.

  2. Glen Davidson says

    So I take it that sex will be enjoyable there. Wow. Have these clerics, shall we say, had troubles with sex?

    Best of all, though, ignorance and stupidity will reign for ever and ever in heaven. Amen!

    Glen Davidson

  3. madbull says

    Enjoying sex with women who are denied their most basic rights, (freedom to move out of the tent in ‘paradise), (out of their hijab on Earth) isn’t that some weird kind of fetish, its abnormal and scary.It’s almost like a rape fetish.

  4. says

    The erection is eternal

    My understanding was that priapism was rather painful. Beyond that, though, this is supposed to be heaven, wandering about with a permanent erection? Talk about setting the bar low.

    Seems the women don’t get a good deal, no surprise there.

  5. syggyx says

    I’d hate to be one of the women who got sent to that dump.

    Sounds to me like those women are not sentient at all, but actually automatons or to be more precise just walking(laying) vaginas to be eternally fucked.

    So no difference how muslims view them now then…

  6. dianne says

    So…among other unfortunate thoughts this one led me to:
    1. Men have priapism in…Heaven? Talk to any man who has ever experienced priapism (an erection that won’t subside): It is NOT fun.
    2. Men in Heaven are basically walking, talking vibrators for women’s pleasure. They’re always erect and ready, able to service 70 (+0-4) women…they really won’t have time for much besides sex. Though I suppose the women will tire of them eventually. Then we’ll have…extramarital afterlife sex as everyone tries to find someone new and amusing to expend their erections and eternal virginities on.

  7. EvoMonkey says

    I watched the video. The muslim cleric (?) sounds so misogynistic, the 72 virgins he describes seem more like 72 blow-up dolls.

  8. says

    Sounds like a story for kids.

    Why doesn’t god just let you shoot all the heroin you ever want forever and never get habituated and never OD and never come down? Oh, right, because god hates women and wants them to be eternal fucktoys.

  9. imthegenieicandoanything says

    Isn’t there the added entertainment of watching infidels suffer endlessly in hell, just to sweeten the utterly repulsive, self-centered, empty and horridly superficial idiocy of this Muslim paradise?

    It has everything else, after all, except insight, compassion,creativity…

    Also, clerics just generally are dirty-minded goons, aren’t they?

  10. dianne says

    Ok, I now have seen the video as well as read the quote. All I can say is that if Sigmund Freud is somewhere in the Islamic paradise, he’ll never run out of patients. Also, why does a Houri need bone marrow, whether it is pleasing to see or not? And why are children in the list of “impure” things along with feces, urine, and menstrual blood? That poor creep is so twisted I can’t decide whether to feel more disgust or pity.

  11. dianne says

    Isn’t there the added entertainment of watching infidels suffer endlessly in hell,

    No, that’s the Christian heaven you’re thinking of. Seriously. One of the pleasures of the Christian heaven is watching the suffering of those in hell. Presumably including relatives who don’t make the cut.

  12. says

    Dianne:

    And why are children in the list of “impure” things along with feces, urine, and menstrual blood?

    Seems that only things which go into a vagina are good; things which come out…bad. Hardly surprising.

  13. says

    I’d hate to be one of the women who got sent to that dump.

    For them, it’s hell, I would suppose.

    Ah, the morals religion teaches its adherents! After death a life of eternal prostitution for women – and that’s the good news!

  14. SallyStrange, Spawn of Cthulhu says

    Maybe the women look like people in Alex Grey paintings. Which would actually be kinda cool, but even there you can’t see the bone marrow.

    It’s amazing how incredibly fucked up religious thinking is. I’ve often wondered if it’s not a culture-wide rationalization for child abuse.

  15. says

    One of the pleasures of the Christian heaven is watching the suffering of those in hell.

    You can thank St Augustine for that. And I think he also cooked up the wicked theory of purgatory. Because he couldn’t utter the words “I don’t know.” That and it was a good revenue source.

  16. dianne says

    Seems that only things which go into a vagina are good; things which come out…bad.

    Admittedly, feces coming out of the vagina is bad…

  17. dianne says

    An exploration of the abominable fantasy might make an interesting concept for a fantasy story: Character dies and appears to go to Heaven, only to discover that the bit about watching the damned in Hell for entertainment is true. S/he enjoys watching some of his/her least favorite people from Earth suffer for a while but it gradually wears her/him down and s/he just wants it to stop…only to discover it won’t because s/he is in Hell and Hell is ultimately discovering empathy only after it is too late and one’s empathy can’t save anyone from suffering, not even one’s self. (Or is that just too obvious?)

  18. says

    . Besides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal…

    I guess the heaven has a direct Viagra hotline, then. You’re supposed to call if your erection persists more than two hours.

    Not that I’d know directly or anything.

  19. adotr says

    Oh, this just sounds way too much like a Penthouse. (by the way, the login requirements have forced me to change my username to adotr instead of A. R.)

  20. Rey Fox says

    The Abominable Fancy sounds like the name of an obscure Celtic music performer.

    Or a character from a Grant Morrison comic.

  21. helenaconstantine says

    “and all will have appetizing vaginas.[Anatomy fail. Function fail.]”

    Must be a sad look out for Mrs. Myers

  22. N. Nescio says

    What happens if you’re wandering around paradise sporting perpetual wood and accidentally bump into Mohammed(PBUH)?

    In muslim heaven, is it only considered ‘gay’ if balls are touching?

  23. alysonmiers says

    It sounds like these guys haven’t actually had sex with a participating, engaged partner.

    They’d probably get a lot more mileage out of life here on Earth if they knew how much fun sex can be when both partners are actually partners and know what they’re doing.

  24. says

    I would think a raging boner all of the time would be a little in troubling. There better not be any zippers, slamming doors or crowded buses in heaven.

  25. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne says

    And why are children in the list of “impure” things along with feces, urine, and menstrual blood?

    I noticed that, but I think he answered that one earlier in the video. Having a child makes the woman unavailable for sex for – he says – 40 days. That might be a bit of a problem when you have a permanent erection.

  26. Nemo says

    adotr: Your display name can be different from your login name. (For instance, my login name is “nemo”.)

  27. danielrudolph says

    Do the virgins at least get an Xbox in these tents or are they just lying there waiting while their man is busy with the other 71 and his wives?

  28. Father Ogvorbis, OM says

    Besides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal . . .

    Damnit, it says right on the bottle: “If erection lasts for longer than four hours, or for eternity, seek immediate rationality. C’mon, do you think the warning labels are there just to please the lawyers?

  29. gijoel says

    What happens to the women who go to paradise. Do they get 72 boyfriends who become virgins every time she lays them?

    I don’t know about you but an eternity of fumbling paws, rushed or non-existent foreplay and premature ejaculation isn’t my idea of paradise.

  30. danielrudolph says

    If I understand the video correctly, women get to be with their husbands, who will be splitting time between whatever wives they had and their 72 virgins. So they get a bit of peace and quiet. I’m not sure what happens to the unmarried ones.

  31. anuran says

    To be fair, let’s compare Abrahamic heavens…

    Judaism – Torah study. Forever.
    Christianity – Church. Forever.
    Islam – 10,000 year orgasms, rivers of wine, shady trees with delicious fruit.

    The Muslim mystics say Paradise and Hell are both traps, states of stasis and sensual obsession whether it’s pain or pleasure.

  32. anuran says

    The fruit, rivers of wine and 10,000 year orgasms are for the women, too, according to what Muslim scholars I know have told me. They’re willing to spend much more time on this than I am.

    And in any case, the mystics’ idea of a well-spent afterlife is much more attractive – growth and exploration in directions we are not equipped for while alive. Not saying this is true, just that it’s a much more satisfying goal than partying forever.

  33. some bastard says

    @anuran

    Islam – 10,000 year orgasms, rivers of wine, shady trees with delicious fruit.

    10,000 years of stickiness? I dunno….

  34. stubby says

    I’m reading the koran (qoran?) now and the description of heaven it uses over and over is gardens with rivers flowing beneath them. Not surprising that a religion created in a desert filled region would consider abundant water and lush plant life heaven. I’ve also learned that…

    Allah is all-knowing, most forbearing.
    Allah is all-knowing, all wise.
    Allah is oft returning, most merciful.
    Allah is oft forgiving, most merciful.

  35. Lycanthrope says

    helenaconstantine:

    Must be a sad look out for Mrs. Myers

    I see what you’re getting at, but surely we can agree that “appetizing vaginas” is an astoundingly creepy phrasing.

  36. says

    “White retinas” ANATOMY FAIL!

    “Skin so delicate and bright that it causes confusion” Like twilight vampires? Get yourself the sparkly white vampire fleshlight.

    “the women of paradise are… menstruation-free… free of children” OMG, they discovered Lybrel.

    “free of feces, urine, phlegm” wtf?

    “they are restricted to tents… locked up for the husband” So in paradise they have the same sort of dwellings and acceptance of slavery as illiterate desert nomads ca. 500AD? Who’d have thunk it? At least L Ron had some motherfucking creativity with his bullshit.

    I think what he’s describing is a better RealDoll. Maybe in a couple more decades with advanced robotics SCIENCE will give him what he wants… a robot sex slave. Then there will be less motivation for assholes like Mohammed and Joseph Smith and nearly every other cult founder ever to make up religious bullshit to get laid.

  37. says

    And in any case, the mystics’ idea of a well-spent afterlife is much more attractive – growth and exploration in directions we are not equipped for while alive. Not saying this is true, just that it’s a much more satisfying goal than partying forever.

    Why? it’s not like you can do anything with that improvement. It’s game over. There’s no reason to minmax any further.

  38. Charlie Foxtrot says

    “Dear Allah,

    I used to think that these Koran passages were all made up – until one day, to my surprise…”

  39. says

    anuran:

    The fruit, rivers of wine and 10,000 year orgasms are for the women, too

    Not according to the cleric. You might think that being locked up in a tent for the sole purpose of being a semen receptacle is just fuckin’ fantastic, but I’ll pass.

    Besides, what makes you think an eternity of fucking is all that attractive?

    And in any case, the mystics’ idea of a well-spent afterlife is much more attractive – growth and exploration in directions we are not equipped for while alive. Not saying this is true, just that it’s a much more satisfying goal than partying forever.

    Well, no, it isn’t. A lot of Christians have a similar notion of heaven too, ya know, and it’s all still pointless. What is the point of growth and exploration when the whole point is to spend your afterlife fucking and continuing to oppress women? What is the point of growth and exploration when you are still chained to a psychopathic God? None.

    And while you keep on saying you don’t necessarily believe in all this nonsense, you sure are pushing the idea. You might want to stop digging now.

  40. julian says

    This… this sounds like something a sadistic Greek god would come up with to punish someone for being licentious. 70 something cherries? Every night? Nah, I’m good, man.

  41. F says

    Caine, Fleur du Mal

    Also, how could you see the bone marrow? The bones would need to be translucent as well as the flesh. Pffft.

    Gettin’ sumdat nofail Qur’an biologenie science now. Qur’an saiddit a thousand years before teh West invented X-ray specs.

  42. janine says

    Let me see if I got this right, I live a life of submission and modesty to that my reward will be to be locked in a tent for all eternity. Well, except for the fucking I will get once every two months and one week.

    So totally worth it.

  43. Agent Smith says

    Anyone who claims that religious beliefs should be exempt from mockery, ridicule and other forms of castigation have just had the gauntlet shattered at their feet by this vile fuck.

    His salivation over the prospect of having a horde of ghoulfriends to pleasure himself with after death should scorch-earth his respect, with everyone, forever. It’s too depressing to think of those who’ll take it seriously. Or defend his right to express himself uncontested.

  44. lochaber says

    so…

    I guess there isn’t much point in asking if one could instead opt for a single, reciprocal, experienced partner capable of both learning and teaching?

  45. photon says

    “White retinas”?? WTF?

    White is about the worst colour a retina can be. White = lack of blood supply = cell death = permanent loss of vision (eg. central retinal artery occlusion)

    So the good cleric is fantasizing about having an eternal supply of translucent skinned victims who’ll be in pain every time he fucks them – and they’re BLIND!

    Still, I guess it solves the problem of people’s eyes roaming freely.

  46. gravityisjustatheory says

    Ah, so Allah = Slannesh.

    Makes sense, given that YHWH has got Khorne, Nurgle, and Tzeentch’s aspects covered.

  47. drzorro says

    It is a little known fact that viagra can be used to treat priapism. The tablet is put in the shoe of the sufferer. That will make him limp

  48. says

    So God/Allah allows men to indulge in practices in heaven that they can’t on Earth because God/Allah prohibits them. Well that makes sense.

    I’d hate to be one of the women who got sent to that dump.

    Women go to heaven? Yeah right, as if.

  49. Rip Steakface says

    Ah, so Allah = Slannesh.

    Makes sense, given that YHWH has got Khorne, Nurgle, and Tzeentch’s aspects covered.

    If Allah is Slaanesh and YHWH is the other 3 Chaos Gods, then who’s the Emperor? And who’s the Eldar gods? Perhaps the old Aztec gods can cover a few of the Eldar gods, at least Khaine and maybe Cegorach.

    (glad to see another W40K fan here)

  50. markbaker says

    White is about the worst colour a retina can be. White = lack of blood supply = cell death = permanent loss of vision (eg. central retinal artery occlusion)

    Also, of course, white would reflect all the light back, which is a bit of a fundamental problem for something that’s supposed to detect light.

  51. marino14801 says

    In 1972 in Saana,Yemen,construction workers found
    in the oldest mosque the oldest text
    fragments of the koran,supposedly from between 7.
    and 10th century and they were in a very difficult
    to read and interpret shorthand writing
    (no vowels,only 5 letters distinct,with 22letters ambiguous)
    so really just a stenographic aid to memory
    for someone who already knew the content

    now, the aramaic language and the arabic language
    are very closely related languages
    like dutch and english or like french and spanish

    .

    according to Christoph Luxenburg the koran was
    originally a christian liturgical book
    with sermons and biblical texts in the aramaic language
    not meant to substitute the bible
    but to evangelize and proselytize with a
    more understandable explanatory “reader”

    and all the references to the “scripture”
    are not self-referential but references
    to the bible just like evangelical texts are full
    with references to old biblical texts

    that s all a hypothesis of course (IMHO well-founded)

    .

    so with the christian aramaic parallels Luxenberg
    interprets the “virgins in paradise” completely different:

    .

    Sura 44,54
    traditional
    “Und wir geben ihnen großäugige Huris als Gattinnen ”
    “And we will give them big-eyed “Huris /Virgins” as spouses ”
    (I translated it myself from german, sorry)

    according to Luxenberg:
    “Wir werden es ihnen unter weißen, kristall(klaren)
    (Weintrauben) behaglich machen.”
    “We will make them comfortable under “white crystal-clear”
    (grapes)”

    .

    Sura 56, 34-37

    traditional
    “…dickgepolsterten Betten.
    (Und Huris stehen ihnen zu Diensten.)
    Wir haben sie regelrecht geschaffen
    und sie zu Jungfrauen gemacht,
    heiß liebend und gleichaltrig.”
    “…cushioned beds.
    (And Huris/Virgins will be at their service.)
    We have downright created them
    and made them to be virgins,
    passionately loving and of the same age.”

    according to Luxenberg:
    “Hochgezogene Weinlauben (werden sie haben).
    Diese haben wir hochwachsen lassen
    und zu eisgekühlten, saftigen
    Erstlingsfrüchten gemacht.”
    “elaveted vine bower (they will have).
    These we will have grown high
    and made to iced juicy First Fruits(Bikkurim).”

    .

    sources:
    in german
    http://www.christoph-heger.de/Artikel-Maas.pdf
    Der Koran – ein christliches Lektionar? -VON WILHELM MARIA MAAS

    in english
    en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sanaa_manuscripts

    en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christoph_Luxenberg

    http://www.amazon.com/Syro-Aramaic-Reading-Koran-Contribution-Decoding/dp/3899300882

    The Syro-Aramaic Reading of the Koran:
    A Contribution to the Decoding of the Language of the Koran
    Christoph Luxenberg (Author)

    http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1999/01/what-is-the-koran/4024/
    By Toby Lester

    .

    http://portal.unesco.org/ci/en/ev.php-URL_ID=11438&URL_DO=DO_TOPIC&URL_SECTION=201.html

    UNESCO Memory of the World
    The CD-ROM “The Sana’a Manuscripts” illustrate the evolution of Arabic calligraphy as evident in a set of rare manuscripts that belong to the Yemenite antiquities and manuscripts organization.
    3. Quranic fragments: Offers 651 images of 302 fragments, indexed by script, frames, etc.

  52. quisquose says

    Now I like sex, but I also enjoy food, drink, laughter, music, learning and many other thing in equal measure.

    Becoming obsessional about any of those things can become very unhealthy indeed.

    It seems that this humourless cult has a very unhealthy attitude to many of the simple pleasures of life.

    I wonder if an imagined Islamic heaven also has some exaggerated version of laughter?

  53. birgerjohansson says

    Have you read Philip Jose Farmer’s science fiction take on the afterlife? The Riverworld series discusses the problems of being around for eternity.
    He also wrote a dystopic novel (I forgot the title) of a hell-like “afterlife” that served as a prototype to “Riverworld”.

    The synthetic afterlife was devoid of things like beards or foreskins to keep the morphology standardised for all religions. Not that many religions survived the obvious differences between real afterlife and the expected afterlife.

    High-tech SF like Iain Bank’s “Culture” series do not bother much with the stuff the imams are concerned about. You can just upload yourself in a simulated paradise any time you want. Immortality? Check. Freedom from hunger? Check. Sex? If you are a total douchebag and cannot get a partner, see the “simulated paradise” option, or use a robotic RealDoll.

  54. John Morales says

    birgerjohansson:

    High-tech SF like Iain Bank’s “Culture” series do not bother much with the stuff the imams are concerned about.

    Ahem.

  55. birgerjohansson says

    I stand corrected.
    But the douchebag imam above lacks the tech-savvy to infiltrate the electronic virtual hells in “Surface Detail”. Do they still think photographs are Ehvil, by the way?

  56. KG says

    marino14801,

    You should be very wary of such historical revisionism. That the Quran was influenced by both Jewish and Christian beliefs is both obvious and well-known; but Luxenberg’s thesis is very different. I can’t think offhand of any case where such a radical historical revisionism has come to be accepted. Unless you are an expert in the area concerned, the case put forward by a revisionist may seem very convincing (I’ve known intelligent people to be convinced by Velikovsky, FFS); and in this case, the outrage with which many Muslims have greeted Luxenberg’s work naturally attracts sympathy; but have you read any critiques of Luxenberg, e.g. this one, by Daniel King, an expert in Syriac?

  57. says

    “It is a little known fact that viagra can be used to treat priapism. The tablet is put in the shoe of the sufferer. That will make him limp”

    You win one internets.

  58. illuminata says

    I’m not sure what happens to the unmarried ones.

    I have no real idea, except to quote an ex-muslim I once dated. She said that the question of even whether or not women get into heaven is a “no no”. But, that unmarried women went to “hell”, and only mothers went to heaven. I wonder what that means for girls who die very young?

    Though, I’m certain this varies as much as every other fairytale does, depending on location,which brand one belongs to, etc.

  59. Abdul Alhazred says

    According to this whatever you desire is waiting for you in paradise.

    http://islamqa.com/en/ref/20286

    It was narrated from Sulaymaan ibn Buraydah from his father that a man asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “O Messenger of Allaah, are there horses in Paradise?” He said, “If Allaah admits you to Paradise, any time you wish to be carried on a horse of red rubies that will fly with you wherever you want in Paradise, you will do that.” Another man asked him, “O Messenger of Allaah, will there be camels in Paradise?” and he did not say to him something like he said to his companion. He said, “If Allaah admits you to Paradise, you will have there whatever your heart desires.”

    So that what PZ quoted in the OP is not explicitly part of Islam, but implicitly in paradise if that’s what you want.

    There’s no sex at all in the Christan heaven. Which do you prefer? ;)

  60. says

    As unappetizing as some might find this, it still sounds better than Christian heaven. An eternal boner and 72 sex slaves sounds a lot more fun than an eternal church service.

  61. dianne says

    @79: Is it just me or did the messenger promise hot camel sex if that is your desire? Too many jokes…

    An eternal boner and 72 sex slaves sounds a lot more fun than an eternal church service.

    I disagree. 72 willing and curious sex partners is definitely better, but sex slaves…nah, I’ll take the church service, thanks. At least I’ll be guaranteed an eternity of good naps.

  62. peterh says

    With all due respect to virgins, both here and “up there,” give me a woman who knows what she’s doing. One’s enough right now; it ought to be the same “then.”

  63. illuminata says

    As unappetizing as some might find this, it still sounds better than Christian heaven. An eternal boner and 72 sex slaves sounds a lot more fun than an eternal church service.

    Oh yeah, being locked in a tent to be a sex toy for eternity totally sounds better than eternal church service, dude. Sign. Me. Up!

  64. butchpansy says

    I guess that Muslim heaven would be hell for this gay man, but if it’s at all like life there’d be plenty of outside-the-tent action, men only able to think with the little head (especially with a hardon), and all.

  65. SallyStrange, Spawn of Cthulhu says

    As unappetizing as some might find this, it still sounds better than Christian heaven. An eternal boner and 72 sex slaves sounds a lot more fun than an eternal church service.

    Does the idea of viagra + lots of non-consensual sex turn you on? Then Islam is the religion for you!

  66. illuminata says

    I’m so converting to Islam just for the chance to go God of War on the fucker.

    OMG. Those were my favorite games EVER. You just jumped up a spot on my cool list.

    And, Kratos does get a little taste of islamic heaven in every game.

  67. RFW says

    Appetizing vaginas? The very phrase makes it sound like this dude carries a bottle of ketchup into the chamber of connubial bliss. Or maybe Tabasco sauce.

  68. illuminata says

    Do women not go to Paradise?

    Apparently, it depnds on who you ask. I just did a little internet “research” about that very question and got a mixed bag of answers. You know, cuz god is so consistant and never ever wrong.

  69. Haley's Comet says

    While Islamic heaven sounds pretty terrible for both genders, as usual women are getting the brunt of the terribleness.

  70. Gregory Greenwood says

    gravityisjustatheory @ 65;

    Ah, so Allah = Slannesh.

    Makes sense, given that YHWH has got Khorne, Nurgle, and Tzeentch’s aspects covered.

    Since we are talking about fiction other than the poorly written horror stories found in the Bible and Koran…

    While the Ruinous Powers are presented in the 40K fiction as being reflections of the most negative of emotions and mental states, I still like to think they would kick Yahweh and Allah out of the Warp on the basis that they don’t want to associate with sick monsters like that.

    Just because they are expressions of pure, cosmic evil doesn’t mean they don’t have standards, you know…

  71. Dhorvath, OM says

    It’s horrifying how much these adolescent fantasies tells us about their authors. These men are terrified of women, whether it’s seeing any hint of character, independence, experience, or just basic humanity: they don’t want it. They have taken some half of their fellow humans and said that virtually everything about them is threatening to their ideals and that paradise is stripping that half of everything that ever distinguished identity. Small wonder that people like that devote so much effort to hiding females in the here and how when we see what is actually sought.

    There seems no limit to how hard such people will push women down when this is what they hold up as a perfect end society. Paradise as described is hell.

  72. Haley's Comet says

    If I were forced to live forever, my ideal afterlife would certainly involve sex. Consensual sex with enthusiastic and experienced sex partners of course. But mostly it would involve sleeping for many thousands of years between periods of awakeness I think.

    Also, the bit about translucent skin seems to be just another example of how paleness and whiteness is prized. The people in my afterlife would be all different colors just as they are on earth. There would be no racism, no sexism, no oppression of any kind. It would be heaven for everyone involved, not just me.

    Another thing: One thing I find very unappealing about many descriptions of heaven is the non-autonomy of everyone else. It is so childish to desire a world where everyone else only exists to make YOU happy, and I think it would be terribly terribly boring. If I were forced to live forever I would definitely want there to be other autonomous, sentient people around if only to make the afterlife more interesting.

  73. says

    Also, the bit about translucent skin seems to be just another example of how paleness and whiteness is prized. The people in my afterlife would be all different colors just as they are on earth. There would be no racism, no sexism, no oppression of any kind. It would be heaven for everyone involved, not just me.

    Actaully as far as idealic appearances work, I think something like the Time Lords regeneration would be nifty. You change forms but everyone else can instinctively tell it’s you on sight.

  74. Gregory Greenwood says

    Each time we sleep with a Houri we find her virgin.

    So, sex slavery isn’t enough for this sick little cretin – there has to be blood also, and discomfort for his houris victims. An ugly, backward religion for an (emotionally and intellectually) ugly, backward man.

    Besides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal…

    That sounds like it would be various shades of both painful and inconvenient.

    …the sensation that you feel each time you make love is utterly delicious and out of this world and were you to experience it in this world you would faint.

    Maybe if he actually found a genuinely equal and enthusiastically consenting partner his experience of terrestrial sex would be more fulfilling.

    Each chosen one [i.e. Muslim] will marry seventy [sic] houris, besides the women he married on earth…

    It’s all blinkered male privilege, all the way. By the sounds of it, the women not being used as sex toys are put under dust covers in their tents. This could hardly be a clearer statement of objectification.

    …and all will have appetizing vaginas

    That simply sounds… wrong. And vaguely cannabalistic, not at all like the kind of cunni lingus a woman might actually enjoy. Then again, I don’t suppose that this idiot’s version of the heaven myth concerns itself over much with the sexual gratification of women – they are just there as sex dolls for misogynist monsters like this charmer, after all.

    Apparently the magic virgins are creepily alien (flesh so translucent you can see their bone marrow? Who the hell finds that arousing??)

    The whole thing was supremely creepy and offensive, but he kept going on about the white skin of these ‘houris’, and I quickly got the impression that he didn’t mean ‘white’ as in light skin tone, so much as ‘white’ as in porcelain doll, combined with skin (and, as someone pointed out upthread, presumably flesh and bone) so translucent that you can see bone marrow through it*, and the whole bit about never raising their eyes to anyone or expressing anything much in the way of emotion or thought, I got the disntinct impression that he was describing some weirdly fetishised sex doll – an Allah brand 3000 series sexbot.

    All in all, that video gave me rather more of a detailed insight into the sick mind of that misogynist than I wanted. His attitude toward women makes the Victorians look positively enlightened.

    Now, does anyone have some spare extra strength brain bleach handy?

    —————————————————————-

    *Even Rule 34 must be struggling with this one.

  75. Dhorvath, OM says

    As usual, my concern with eternity is one of memory, I already feel limited in that respect but stretch the eons out and that problem is exacerbated. What difference does eternity make if I can’t remember it? Paradise to me would be a memory that is unlimited and the time to make use of it all stretched over the backdrop of other people similarly unencumbered.

  76. Haley's Comet says

    Actaully as far as idealic appearances work, I think something like the Time Lords regeneration would be nifty. You change forms but everyone else can instinctively tell it’s you on sight.

    I like that idea much much better! /steals

  77. says

    @Haley

    Honestly the Time Lord life, at least from the Doctors POV does seem fairly idealic. Given a virtual eternal life span (13 lives, with each having a natural life span measured in centuries) to explore the universe and grow wiser and more competent.

    And at least in the new series the message seems to be that even with all that there STILL isn’t enough time to do everything.

  78. Gregory Greenwood says

    Haley’s Comet @ 98;

    Another thing: One thing I find very unappealing about many descriptions of heaven is the non-autonomy of everyone else. It is so childish to desire a world where everyone else only exists to make YOU happy, and I think it would be terribly terribly boring. If I were forced to live forever I would definitely want there to be other autonomous, sentient people around if only to make the afterlife more interesting.

    I have never understood the appeal of the heaven myth. I can see someone who greatly enjoys life wishing for a vastly extended lifespan, even functional immortality, so long as the body remained strong and untroubled by disease, injury or age, or was simply replaceable in the event that it started to wear out or became damaged – more life means more experience, more people to meet, more things to see, more culture to enjoy, more of the arc of history to live through.

    That makes sense to me, but heaven? Imprisonment in an unchanging, sparkly dungeon with a capricious, bloodthirsty sociopath as your supposedly all-powerful* goaler? And your fellow inmates are all freethought-free, deeply uninteresting drones who exist only to fluff the bloated ego of the aforementioned landlord from hell? Why would anyone want to submit themselves to that, still less call it paradise?

    Except, of course, for the reason that Ing: I SPEAK FOR THE HIVEMIND GROUPTHINK gave @ 87;

    I want to kill a god and ingest their godseed.

    I’m so converting to Islam just for the chance to go God of War on the fucker.

    Kratos may be an angry, angry computer game character, but the Ares and Zeus (most of the Greek pantheon, in fact) characters in those games are epic jerks, so you can see where the Ghost of Sparta is coming from.

    Ing, you can sign me up for a little deicide too. I bet we could make a better job of it than that two-bit incompetent Lucifer…

    * All-powerful? Yeah, right. I think someone’s bark is worse than his bite. Propaganda, pure and simple. Besides, all-powerful to Bronze Age goatherders or Muslim mystics probably isn’t all that big a deal by modern technological standards.

  79. says

    * All-powerful? Yeah, right. I think someone’s bark is worse than his bite. Propaganda, pure and simple. Besides, all-powerful to Bronze Age goatherders or Muslim mystics probably isn’t all that big a deal by modern technological standards.

    “Remember the source!”~The Devil (Devil’s Advocate)

  80. happiestsadist says

    Wow, that is a special kind of creepy. If you’re a good (for some values thereof) man, you get your own case of eternal priapism and a never-ending supply of sentient see-through RealDolls programmed to only ever know pain, ripping hymens and sexual inexperience, locked in tents to suffer forever.

    And that’s for the good ones. As usual, patriarchal nonsense manages not only to find ever-creative ways to hate women, but also to despise men and make them look as revolting as possible.

  81. Brownian says

    This Muslim cleric sounds like a 15 year old virgin boy with erectile disfunction.

    And one who really seems to mean it when he says “Eww, girls are icky!” I mean, have you ever heard someone with so many conditions in order for sex to be appealing?

    “She has to be a virgin. No other penes anywhere near, ever. And her vagina must be appetising. Also, we all have to be dead and in heaven. There’s no other way for a man to get hard, amiright guys?”

    But I’m confused: on the one hand Muslim men are so virile that the mere sight of a woman’s face other than her eyes will send them into a frenzy of lust, and on the other hand they require seventy or more perfectly appetising ghostly vaginas and the help of the divine just to keep an erection. What gives?

    Or is this one of those ‘mysteries’ that men like Hoffman jerk off to the thought of?

  82. Dhorvath, OM says

    Or is this one of those ‘mysteries’ that men like Hoffman jerk off to the thought of?

    I should be creating more religions.

  83. Dr. Audley Z. Darkheart OM, liar and scoundrel says

    Ing:

    Rule 43? If you’ve thought of it, there is a religion around it?

    Sorry, rule 43 has been taken. The top definition is:

    You can find anything on the Internet if you are willing to look for it long enough.

    (Although I tend to live my life by the third definition given:

    When you can shit, you should shit. This helps avoid awkward moments of unease in the foreseeable future.

    Truer words were never written.)

  84. Rip Steakface says

    Since we are talking about fiction other than the poorly written horror stories found in the Bible and Koran…

    While the Ruinous Powers are presented in the 40K fiction as being reflections of the most negative of emotions and mental states, I still like to think they would kick Yahweh and Allah out of the Warp on the basis that they don’t want to associate with sick monsters like that.

    Just because they are expressions of pure, cosmic evil doesn’t mean they don’t have standards, you know…

    Hell, the Ruinous Powers also reflect positive emotions. Tzeentch is the embodiment of hope and helps those who seek knowledge, like scientists; Khorne embodies honor and honorable martial prowess (something that’s somewhat commendable in W40K); Nurgle, ambition and motivaton; and even Slaanesh, arguably the biggest asshole of all the Gods (he royally fucked two races at once for several millennia), is the embodiment of perfection and pleasure, so anyone who takes pleasure in anything fuels him – this includes pleasure in seeking knowledge, teaching, anything.

    If anything, all that indicates is that the Ruinous Powers of Chaos, the Dark Gods, the most evil fucking characters in probably all of fiction outside mythology, are more fundamentally good than Allah and Yahweh.

  85. Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    So, first I have to curse Ing for that vampire imagery – what can I say that communicates Yuck ^googleplex?

    But aside from that, appetizing is a synonym for savory, tasty, or palatable. It’s one thing to be literal, it’s another to ignore a literal definition that makes sense for a literal definition that doesn’t.

    What strikes me as most female-hating about that comment is the assumption that such is true **in heaven**. This is one of his changes to the current worldly experience. Maybe my experience as a pansexual person whose partners have been 90% or more cis-women and some of the remainder were female bodied trans folk is different from other peoples, but I find appetizing not a step up from the worldly condition, but quite a let-down. IMHO, sex creates a number of wonderful sensations, including scents and flavors, unless, of course, You’reDoingItWrong. Perhaps he’s trying to say that minimal hygiene will be kept up but that no heavenly resident man will be “unnaturally” attracted to kiss their partner anywhere below the chin?

    Seriously, talk about damning with faint praise.

  86. Gregory Greenwood says

    Rip Steakface @ 117;

    If anything, all that indicates is that the Ruinous Powers of Chaos, the Dark Gods, the most evil fucking characters in probably all of fiction outside mythology, are more fundamentally good than Allah and Yahweh.

    I am often amused by the fact that Abrahamic gods really are the nastiest, most evil and depraved creations of humanity’s sick imagination – they effortlessly out-evil those fictional creatures actually written to be as pure an expression of evil as possible.

    Whether it’s Cthulhu, the Ruinous Powers, Reapers from Mass Effect or the Borg – they’re all amateurs at this whole evil business compared to fictional deities that theists claim are the well spring of all that is moral, the ultimate force for good in the Universe.

    How many fictional monsters create an entire reality, including at least one sentient species, and then set up those sentient lifeforms to fail an arbitrary moral ‘test’ (which, being omniscient, the monster in question knew that its victims would fail ahead of time) in order to create a twisted, pseudo-moral system that works to warp the ethical perceptions of its creations such that they create several religious systems that work to foster hatred, war and suffering for thousands of years at the cost of millions of lives? While all the time those who die having failed to randomly pick the arbitrarily determined ‘right’ religion are tortured for all eternity by a lesser monster the principle monster created expressly for the purpose (the only conclusion one can come to given its supposed omnisicence and omnipotence)?

    I honestly can’t think of any fictional character outside religious mythology that engages in quite such elaborate, calculated sadism apparently for no other reason than its own entertainment.

  87. birgerjohansson says

    “– an Allah brand 3000 series sexbot.”

    Sooo…if someone hacks into the operative system, that person will now have robotic warriors that outnumber the men 72 to one!
    While the Eschaton diverts the attention of Allah I will be busy taking over paradise and turning it into a divine weapons factory complex. Before God has time to summon his warrior angel reserves he will be fatally outnumbered and outgunned.

    Do you have any good idea about what to do with paradise after the victory? I assume it is cluttered with a lot of Albert Speer-type monumental architecture in the neoclassical style that really irritates me. Marble quarry?

  88. normalanomaly says

    Not having periods or having to go to the bathroom would actually be nice. Being a transparent zombie locked in a tent would suck.