Oh, man, everyone I knew when I was a kid hated these people: you’d go trick-or-treating at their house, and they’d hand out cheesy stupid bible tracts or worse, pieces of paper with bible verses on them. Now some horrible, joyless people are promoting Jesusween, where they encourage more people to do just that.
Ick. Smug and sanctimonious. The only good thing about their website is the graphic prediction on the page.
In addition to the toilet paper, though, expect the cross to be eggsplattered, too.
Jeebus weenie? Like the kids aren’t going to pick up on that one and run with it.
I mean, I know my mind often works like a 12 year old’s……
Those people don’t deserve having their house TPed. It’s the burning bag of dog shit on the front porch for them.
It’s just the War on Halloween.
Last year was a disappointment. Hardly any fundies got enthusiastic enough to even accuse Mars Candy of hiring witches to insert demons in their candy.
This year isn’t looking too good either. But there is still time.
Halloween could always do with more Demonic Insertion.
What’s next? Fireworks that explode in the shape of crosses on the 4th of July?
This is the effingest stupid attempt yet to subvert children’s natural desire for fun. Like dressing up in a costume and and going door-to-door for candy is such a huge threat that it has to be stamped out with a joyless campaign of brainwashing.
‘JesusWeen’?
What a contemptable barbarism. The W is part of the ‘Hallow[s]’, not part of the ‘e’en’.
They mean ‘Jesuseen’.
But wait, Jesus already has a e’en; it’s called Xmas Eve.
Fuck ’em.
Jesus -fucking- Christ, these people have to ruin everything, don’t they. Assholes.
Don’t worry, I’m planning to party extra hard this year*, so I’ll do my part to combat this sanctimonious bullshit.
*It’s not a party ’til Audley barfs!
Is religious education so bad within their churches they no longer know their own calender of feasts? Halloween, the evening before All Hallows day where the congregation remember the dead. It should be a joyous if thoughtful celebration of life but instead these folks have lost sight of its meaning & have got confused by the commercial & chintzy horror aspects.
It’s a WAR ON HALLOWEEN.
Someone alert Bill O’Reilly
Jesus Ween? Piss up a rope.
Actually, it’s really a sinister plot by Ween to promote their next album. The Christians are going to feel mighty played when they find out.
How about renaming it to jesuswhine?
He turns the candy into whine.
Should be “Jesuswean” I’d be completely happy for anyone to be weaned off the need for Jesus.
“The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus’ resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.”
Matthew 27:52-53
Matthew Hodson? Do you have a point?
His point is that zombies ARE at the heart of Christianity.
Remember when Jack Skellington wanted to take over Christmas? This is just payback.
These people don’t even know the origin of Halloween.
During colonial times in Boston, Massachusetts there was an itinerant hot dog salesman named Horatio. He was much beloved because of his habit of wandering the town dressed in outlandish clothing and giving out free samples to all the boys and girls. One October 31st, there was a terrific nor’easter storm. Horatio went into the nor’easter without his sou’wester, and so he got swept out to sea.
All the Boston children were saddened by this, so to cheer them up, the city council instituted a holiday in which costumed children went door-to-door collecting hot dogs. However, since the town frankfurter salesman was now dead, the hot dog supply was unreliable. So it was decided to give out candy instead. This holiday was called after Horatio’s call when he was selling his hot dogs: “Hallo! Weenies!”
ZOMBIES!!! Halloween is the *perfect* holiday for Geezus.
My evangelical, fundamentalist, Catholic (i.e. psychotic and dogmatic) mother wouldn’t let us do Halloween, but gave us candy for All Saint’s Day, the next morning? wtf?
I give out bags of microwave popcorn, or trailmix. I was told this would get my house egged. Instead, I have kids coming back 2 and three times to get more.
‘Tis,
I ♥ you, man.
Used to go out on All Saints’ Day asking for “trick or treat leftovers.”
Yeah, I was a fat kid…my parents used to trick-or-treat with a shotglass, too.
He does, but is confused.
That refers to the xian Zombie Uprising Day. AKA as Easter.
Well yes.
Hitchens. Religion poisons everything.
Jesusween. Because religion doesn’t seem ridiculous enough already… (are you sure it doesn’t?)
Glen Davidson
Does Jesus even have a ween? You can’t see it on the Shroud of Turin.
From the linked site:
(Pray for proofreading!)
What is the world’s system, and where do I apply for my birthday to become the second day set aside for all that fun stuff?
And why, in addition to all the babble-quote clutter, do they include a BBC News feed?
Some Christians want to turn a yearly tradition of community sharing into an opportunity to push their religious faith onto the children of unsuspecting neighbors. But, you know, in an entirely “friendly” way. Who could object to such “kindness?”
If they were smart, they’d give them a Bible AND their choice of candy bar. You can always buy a kid with candy.
Jesus’s ween? I thought that when our thoughts strayed beneath the Saviour’s loincloth we were supposed to imagine a smooth, hairless, plastic bump, like on a Ken doll. And then flog ourselves as penance.
Well, the original Greek is usually translated as “flog”, but it can also mean “whack”, “jerk” or “fondle”.
#24
Absolutely!
I guess just turning off the porch light and going to church to practice wasn’t enough – they need to harass children, too. That’s damn scary.
I just asked one of my brothers what he would have done if a person gave him a bible verse instead of candy. Let’s just say that the person would be lucky to just have their house TP’ed.
What a bunch of assholes. One of my favorite things about Halloween is that it has stubbornly persisted despite the Xtianists’ concerted efforts to co-opt it or stamp it out. It’s one of the few vestiges of our pagan past that hasn’t been totally taken over by the Christers, as Christmas and Easter have.
But to them, it really is a serious threat. Since they believe in holy ghosties and stuff, naturally they take it very seriously when someone tells them that this is the night the witches and demons come out. By participating in Halloween rituals, Christian kids are supporting Satan’s minions (or something) and thereby endangering their immortal souls.
Crazy fuckers.
Hey, I’m going to be in NYC for Halloween, IN the Halloween parade! With my awesome band! Any NYC Pharyngulites up for a meeting? Possibly put me up for a night?
Several apparently. I’ve lost count, but wiki has this:
Although I guess it could’ve been extremely long. Splitters!
The Christians have a long tradition of stealing days of celebration. Time for them to take another.
We have some in Australia if they want them.
Australia Day? No reason you can’t thank Jesus for Australia.
The Queen’s Birthday? Only if said queen died for our sins.
Labour Day? Celebrate the toil of Jesus’ mission.
Anzac Day? Why fight and die for Austalia when you can fight and die for the Lord?
Bank Holiday? Well, they need somewhere to put all the money they make from exploiting the other holidays… good enough.
Hallow is already the sacred part of the word. They should call it HallowJesus instead.
They’re also encouraging participants to dress in all white for the occasion. Yeah, radical Christians dressed all in white. That’s a good idea that doesn’t bring to mind any bad history…
Oh, and I have a terrifically blasphemous Halloween costume idea that I hope someone will steal, since I won’t be able to put it into action what with marching in the parade and all (my band has uniforms now!).
You need two people. One of you dresses up as Ayn Rand (I dunno, a brunette bob wig, a boxy vintage dress, too much lipstick, and a copy of Atlas Shrugged?) and the other one dresses up as Jesus (easy!). Together, you are the GOP!
So Jesus is #weening?
Goddamn. First Trick-Or-Treating during the day, now this unfuckingbelievable bullshit? They’re ruining Halloween for a whole generation of American children. Maybe I should convert to Satanism…
Reading the name “Jesusween” makes it hard for me to resist the urge to make Jewish penis jokes.
Do not taunt Rule 34.
That goes double for you Jesus Weenies.
This one reeks of desperation…again! Jees, you’d think with an allmighty being on their side they wouldn’t need this nonsense. But hey, if it’s nonsense you want, no one does it better than the seriously christian/muzzy/jewish deluded.
Including the hoods.
This is why we can’t have nice things.
Back in the 90’s when I was subjected to a Baptist high school, the history teacher recommended that Christians should celebrate “Reformation Day” rather than Halloween, since Martin Luther nailed his Ninety-Five Theses on the church door in Wittenburg on October 31, 1517.
Hasn’t that site been confirmed to be a Poe?
Best costume I ever saw at a Halloween party was a guy dressed in pink sweats, a little pink makeup on his face, and a pink bike helmet with a shoe hotglued on top of it.
Last couple of years I spent Halloween with my ex-gf. We set up the yard swing on the driveway and put out lots of candles and fake giant spiders. I bought a bag of small potatoes. We palmed the potatoes while holding a choice mini candy bar between our fingers. We did this mostly to older kids. They felt the impact of the potato and thought they got major candy. They got home and found a potato with their candy bar.
Some of the kids were smart. The put the potatoes in water so they would sprout and stuffed six sprouty potatoes in to the mailbox ten days later.
That’s the halloween Spirit. But the best October event in Houston is the Northwest Mall carnival on West 18th. 290 and W18th was the suburbs 35 years ago. Now the mall is dead but the carnival remains. The great plains tribe of the carnies winters in south Texas. The Northwest Mall carnival is their last money making opportunity until February when they move to the Houston Livestock show, our local Spring festival as spring happens in late Feb around here.Then the carnies move north as the seasons change.
Here is the best ride at the northwest carnival
If you haven’t read the comments to their posts on the Jebus Ween Facebook page, do so – it’s pure comedy gold. Nonbelievers got in there and stirred some shit. Even if Mr. Poe is involved, it’s some pretty funny stuff.
Sorry, forgot the link. It’s not to the site itself but from someone who says he’s checked them out. I’m too lazy to bother doing so myself.
Worst…Halloween prank…ever.
Wait a second. Isn’t Halloween all about ghosts, goblins, witches, vampires – things that are themselves products of the fevered religious imagination?
The fundamentalist-minded atheist should be out there protesting Halloween, you’d think, since none of the above creatures are any more plausible than God, angels, etc, correct?
Dogmatic authoritarians are not much fun to hang out with, that’s one thing we can all be sure of.
After all, Halloween displays are at least as visually interesting as nativity scenes, aren’t they?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZFrasLrISQ
“They are coming!”
I think I’ll pass on Jesusween for fear that my hands might turn upside-down like that poor woman’s holding the bible. *shudder*
The only thing as evil as passing out Bible tracts on my favorite holiday is passing out toothbrushes. Or raisins. Halloween is for candly, only candy. Or change if you’re collecting for Unicef.
There are some people in my neighborhood who don’t do Hallowe’en because they think it’s Satan’s birthday. Others can’t understand, “Why would you celebrate evil?” (meaning- why celebrate something other than Jesus?).
Haha, we’ve made our presence known:
http://jesusween.com/testimonials
There’s also a prayer page.
Go and let everyone know how Jesus’ Ween has touched you.
FFS, Halloween’s going to suck enough for the kids this year, falling on a Monday as it does.
Saran Wrap those feckers’ cars.
Back in the day, there was one neighbor who handed out Chick tracts instead of candy. After the first year, nobody went to his house. One night of harmless fun and these loons have to rain on the parade.
How do you publish bread?
Same way as the Bible’s contents – stale.
It’s amzing such anti-Irish bigotry can be allowed… yes it’s a real reach to get that out of Jesusween but you can if you try hard enough.
Is this some kind of sick and twisted joke? Jesusween?! Jesus-fucking-ween??? Great idea!!
Nothing will turn little tykes off of Christianity like going to school the next day and everyone running up and saying, “I got bazillions of Mars Bars and candies and Rolotoots and everthing, whatchoo get? Some papers with Bible quotes on them? Ya fucken loser!”
@ azkyroth:
Whadda’ya’ mean. I think that nailing 95 feces to a church door is a great prank.
[an old National Lampoon cover suddenly came into my memory]
Step one.
Jesusween. For those who think that ‘etymology’ means ‘the study of cannibalism’.
“If they were smart, they’d give them a Bible AND their choice of candy bar. You can always buy a kid with candy.”
Candy rots your teeth. But religion rots your mind.
ditto. so far, not a single invitation to a Harvest Festival “coincidentally” scheduled for October 31st. No billboards or cautionary church-signs, either.
slackers.
Does JesusWeen sounds like handing out chocolate Jesus-penises.
Give some homeless men sandwiches and they’ll be fed for the day. Give them bibles as well and they’ll have a nice fire to keep warm that night.
No Catholic jokes? Gotta work seminary in there, too. I’m sure somebody here can do that. I’m really not funny enough to pull it off, but there’s good material there for somebody to work with.
Perhaps it would help to give out sacramental blood/wine to the children? That would show their parents how real Xtians do things!
Might also help to burn an animal of some sort on an altar to appease god before smashes those kids for their sins.
Let’s not forget the Hell House movement. OOoohh I was such a slut and now I’m burning forever. OOoohhh I had sex with the same gender and now I’m burning forever. OOoohh I had an abortion and now I’m burning forever. OOoohh I took a hit on a marijuana cigarette and now I’m burning forever. Please let me warn my sister while she’s still alive to repent. Please let me warn my brother while he’s still alive to repeeennnttt!
They stole a picture of Danny Wallace for the ‘JOIN ZOMBIE JEBUS’ image.
@ #8 by The Dancing Monk, 10:17 pm
“Is religious education so bad within their churches they no longer know their own calender of feasts?”
It’s much, much worse than that. A lot of asshat pseudo-preachers and fake pastors don’t know the first thing about the very religion they are (supposedly) part of. They don’t even hesitate to distort their sacred written scriptures with misquotes, misinterpretations, lacing them with bits that aren’t actually there. “Jesus says this, Jesus says that, God likes this, God hates that” and so on until intelligent people walk away, tired of the fantasies, the lies, and self-serving bullshit.
Forgetting for a moment the usual accusation that these fake clergy are just grifters trying to turn a dollar or two, I can’t help but wonder if what’s emerging from the crucible of christianist bibble thumping and evangelicalism is a new religion with about as much connection to traditional xtianity (of any stripe) as Islam has. The American evangelical belief system is really in the nature of a folk religion; as such it may turn out to have surprising staying power. Just look at the grip Chinese folk religion has on an otherwise intelligent, hard working, ambitious race!
Joyless religious jerks trying to ruin everyone elses’ fun – A.K.A business as usual.
Matthew Hodson @ 14;
I’m sorry, but we are not looking for horror movie script submissions. Maybe you should try George A. Romero…
I didn’t realize satan had actually been born like Jesus. Was it a virgin birth? Who were his parents?
If he had a father I would probably go with Pat Robertson. Mother could have easily been Rush Limbaugh.
Growing up one of my friend’s father was born again, and the whole bunch of them were holy-rollers, so none of the kids were allowed to go Trick-or-Treating. No, they stayed home and handed out candy. It’s one thing to tell your kids that Halloween is the devil’s holiday. It’s another to make them half-participate in the fun their friends are having.
(One year my friend’s dad wasn’t home on Halloween so her mother let my friend and her brothers go out with the rest of us. got to love that consistency!)
@ ChasCPeterson: What, were you expecting linguistic logic from the Jesusweeners? You seem to forget that they barely have a grasp of basic grammar and punctuation as it is, as evidenced by their intrusions here. (That said, I loved your comment.)
****
@ Tis, #17: This completely cracked me up. In fact, most of the comments in this thread are brilliantly hilarious. Too many to name…
****
@ Sally Strange: I’m a New Yorker! I’m flying back from Europe on 10/31, and will get home about 10PMish. If there’s a Pharyngula gathering, please let me know–would love to meet you all! As for a place to stay, I’ve already got a friend crashing at my place–and it’s really small to boot (plus, it contains three imperious felines). If you’re having trouble finding a place to crash, let me know, and I’ll see if I can get friends to help out. Here’s my email addy: indym.pikciurna AT gmail.com.
****
@ Gregory Greenwood: LOL
no dogshit in a burning paper bag.
instead use a (fresh, juicy) cowflop in a paper bag with a (lit) M-80 inside.
at last report (heh heh heh) the shit was all over the place.
Um… You nitwits know Jesusween is a hoax, right? Compare the photo here:
http://jesusween.com/why-join-jesus-ween
…to this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Join_Me
I have a question: What is it with people and spray-on tans? Seriously, orange isn’t a natural skin colour for anyone. I suppose it’s rather Halloweenish, though.
The Christian/Conservative War on Halloween begins! I’ll bet ya Bill O’Reilly is behind this!
Um… You nitwits know Jesusween is a hoax, right? Compare the photo here:
Really? That’s how you define Hoax?
god damn it
Really? That’s how you define Hoax?
I kind of want to find out if anybody is actually doing this in my area. I’d like to don a simple costume and visit their house, perhaps with a friend with a video camera in tow.
You see, through the unpleasantness of having long-term digestive health issues, I actually possess the ability to vomit on command.
So I can only imagine how much fun it would be to go knocking on their door, innocently exclaiming “Trick or Treat!”, and then get a perplexed look on my face when they hand me a Bible. I’d look it over, open it up and parse through a verse or two then …cough …gag… and PUKE all over the Bible.
But I have a pretty fucked up sense of humor.
It looks like a hoax, sounds like a hoax, feels like a hoax, smells like a hoax, tickles the absurdity bone as would a hoax – but it’s not a hoax.
JesusWeen. Good grief. How about a Wean Off Jesus night instead?