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Oct 03 2011

Homeopathic birth control

I think this new birth control method will face the same problem they all do: the wacky abstinence-only crowd will reject it.

But then I had a brilliant idea: instead of making it with a homeopathic dilution of fetuses, I’m going to market a birth control pill made homeopathically from astronomically well-diluted penises. I’ve always wanted to be a billionaire.

(Also on Sb)

56 comments

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  1. 1
    Zeno

    It says “Up to 100% Effective”, which is certainly true! (And I am an expert on these matters because I am a mathematician!)

  2. 2
    Dianne

    I’m going to market a birth control pill made homeopathically from astronomically well-diluted penises.

    Wouldn’t that be a homeopathic alternative to PDE inhibitors?

  3. 3
    aynsavoy

    I think the woman’s expression in the advertisement says it all: “How the fuck are these supposed to work?”

  4. 4
    Duckorange

    I’ve been having homeopathic sex recently, so what’s the problem?

  5. 5
    Louis

    The only way this could work is if the bloke used the pill to block his meatus.

    I’m going with that being a bad idea.

    Louis

  6. 6
    Glen Davidson

    Can be effective, well, if used with real contraceptive methods.

    OK, not so much effective as not detrimental to real contraceptive methods.

    Glen Davidson

  7. 7
    Joffan

    Clearly PZ your product should be a pessary, not a pill.

  8. 8
    Inane Janine, OM, Conflater Of Arguments

    Do not consult your family doctor?

    I think this is a joke.

  9. 9
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    I’ve been looking for a homeopathic Vasectomy for a few years.

  10. 10
    AJKamper

    Yes, Janine, it’s a joke.

    I’m trying to figure out if there’s supposed to be any humor in the name. If so, it’s past me.

  11. 11
    johnm55

    *Up to 100% effective
    Additional small print not shown:
    *Provided the female holds the pill firmly between her knees at all times.

  12. 12
    Tavoman

    “Up to 100% Effective* *when used in conjunction with a condom” if not… 0%

  13. 13
    John Small Berries

    TheChristianNews.com? Wasn’t familiar with that one, but a quick look at its articles explains everything.

    Sheesh, it’s getting so that the parody Christian sites are threatening to outnumber the genuine ones.

  14. 14
    Gnumann+,with no bloody irony at all (just an anti-essentialist feminist with a shotgun)

    The people behind this are obviously deluded.

    Everybody with a weekend course or more* in homoeopathy would know that the right approach here is nosode -more specific: MRA testes.

    So – go get some right away!

    *you don’t need more of course, ‘cept maybe a doctorate in bullshitting.

  15. 15
    Snowshoe the Canuck

    what will the teapot party say? The pill is made with human fetuses! That’s like cannibalism or stem ceull harvesting. But it is homeopathic for sure, like curing like.

  16. 16
    Larry

    Q: What do you call women who use homeopathic birth control
    A: Mothers

    Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

  17. 17
    feralboy12

    “Up to 100% effective.”
    Then read the fine print: “When used in conjunction with a condom or withdrawal.”

    Sort of like a breakfast cereal that, “when served with bacon & eggs, has all the nutrition of this bacon & eggs breakfast.”

  18. 18
    Bronze Dog

    Uh, isn’t it supposed to be super-diluted sperm?

    Sperm in a “normal” woman causes the “symptom” of pregnancy, and thus by the “like cures like” principle, diluted sperm would allegedly cure or prevent pregnancy.

  19. 19
    Tabby Lavalamp

    Homeopathic birth control works. I know I wouldn’t touch a man who believes in homeopathy with a ten foot pole, so if that’s not effective…

  20. 20
    Therrin

    Everybody with a weekend course or more* in homoeopathy

    The less you study, the more you know. Also known as the Bob Enyart method of sciencey lernin.

  21. 21
    Glen Davidson

    Definitely a “Poe site.” From another of their “articles”:

    Christians everywhere are claiming this to be a sign from God; the Pope himself was overheard saying “It’s about fucking time!”

    http://thecreationnews.com/news/science/cambridge-university-to-offer-degree-in-creation-science

    Just close enough to what “real homeopathy” claims that it looks almost believable (I didn’t read “Do not consult your family Doctor” until I read Janine’s comment).

    Glen Davidson

  22. 22
    Crissa

    Do Creation-Christian-anti-abortionists just get snookered by every fake scam, or do I just get to see the one scam they’re taken in by each year but from a different one of their groups?

  23. 23
    Crissa

    Aha, it’s a joke from a joke site. I don’t get ‘jokes’ that are supposed to look like fundies. They’re boring… Like this.

  24. 24
    Dhorvath, OM

    JohnM55,
    Please, knees held together is not an impediment. It’s often a feature.

  25. 25
    Danish Atheist

    I just wonder how to dilute a penis? Seems like such a pity!

  26. 26
    StarStuff, a soulless cunt

    I think we should use this as a test. Ask someone who believes that bullshit if they’ll use homeopathic birth control. If they say yes, then we can prove them wrong when they end up pregnant. If they say no, then they’ve admitted that homeopathy doesn’t work.

  27. 27
    TheBlackCat

    I like that site a lot.

    “Surprise! Alice Cooper is a Christian.” Best article headline ever.

  28. 28
    TheBlackCat

    I ran the name through some anagram solvers. Here is what I found:

    Sleaves
    A Vessel
    A Selves
    Saves El
    Vases El
    Las Eves
    Lass Eve
    As Elves
    Slave Es
    Ave Less
    Eva Less
    Slav See
    E’s Slave

    And about 80 others. It didn’t help much.

  29. 29
    Inaji

    AJKamper:

    I’m trying to figure out if there’s supposed to be any humor in the name. If so, it’s past me.

    Hmmm. Eve’s Last Apple? Eve’s Latest Apple?*

    *The extra ‘S’, getting that hissy serpent effect?

  30. 30
    Gregory Greenwood

    But then I had a brilliant idea: instead of making it with a homeopathic dilution of fetuses, I’m going to market a birth control pill made homeopathically from astronomically well-diluted penises. I’ve always wanted to be a billionaire.

    The homeopathy crowd are so woo-soaked and credulous they would probably snap it up.

    Hell, just sell them small phials of water and say that the penis is diluted to a concentration of one part penis to 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 parts water. You know, the same as most other homeopathic remedies. If they start asking questions, just mumble something about ‘water memory’. That’s bound to shut them up.

    I look forward to toasting your billionaire-dom, PZ…

  31. 31
    tushcloots

    Wouldn’t this just prevent miscarriages?

  32. 32
    tushcloots
    Gregory Greenwood says:
    3 October 2011 at 7:58 pm
    But then I had a brilliant idea: instead of making it with a homeopathic dilution of fetuses, I’m going to market a birth control pill made homeopathically from astronomically well-diluted penises. I’ve always wanted to be a billionaire.

    The homeopathy crowd are so woo-soaked and credulous they would probably snap it up.

    Hell, just sell them small phials of water and say that the penis is diluted to a concentration of one part penis to…

    That’s it!! Use a flaccid penis, and put Viagra out of business!! We’re* fucking(ahem) rich!!!! And use a small flaccid pecker!!!!!! We’ll make quadrillions, ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa……..

    *I’m counting on PZ to share the credit for this idea.

  33. 33
    arensb

    a birth control pill made homeopathically from astronomically well-diluted penises

    Where would you get those, though? You’d have to convince some guy to apply friction to his penis, enough to abrade a few penis skin cells for collection. But I can’t imagine a man wanting to have such a sensitive area touched that way.

  34. 34
    Joachim

    A friend of my recently revealed his plans to produce homeopathic fuel. So clever, I hope he will still know me when he´s a billionaire.

    Cheers, Joachim

  35. 35
    rob

    all you skeptical naysayers. remember this: homeopathy is Integrative Medicine. you’re supposed to, you know, *integrate* it with effective birth control. then it will work!

  36. 36
    Loqi

    You know, by hopmeoplathic logic, one guy jerking off in the shower should be enough to cause worldwide sterilization.

  37. 37
    Loqi

    *homeopathic*
    Yay for tiny phone keyboards and fat fingers.

  38. 38
    Erülóra Maikalambe

    The homeopathic way to become a billionaire is simpler than that. You just leave a dollar bill in your pocket next time you do the wash. Then take a few drops of the water and dilute it a few more times. The resulting solution should make you rich (by selling it to idiots while telling them it will make them rich).

  39. 39
    Gaebolga

    arensb wrote:

    a birth control pill made homeopathically from astronomically well-diluted penises

    Where would you get those, though? You’d have to convince some guy to apply friction to his penis, enough to abrade a few penis skin cells for collection. But I can’t imagine a man wanting to have such a sensitive area touched that way.

    Based on the homeopathic “principles” I’ve heard about, all you’d need to do is dip some guy’s junk in water, then dilute the water a bunch more times, and voila!

    Now the only real questions that remain are:

    1) How many further dilutions are necessary?

    2) Are we starting with a washed or unwashed penis?

  40. 40
    nmmng

    How about the latest trend in homeopathic crackers: not with real Jesusy heart muscle!

    http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2011/10/02/international/i094603D46.DTL

  41. 41
    nmmng

    Typo: “not” -> “now”

  42. 42
    CS Miller

    How about birth control pills made of 60C sperm? (As they’re easier to obtain than eggs) Anyone willing to provide some?

  43. 43
    A3Kr0n

    This looks like a hoax. I don’t think it contains any human fetus.
    I had a great idea for homeopathics. Putting the “special ingredient” in water tends to short out the electrochemical potentials within the quantum nano structure dampening the effect. Why not use photons as a carrier of the medicinal effect? Reflect photons off the special ingredient (or fetus), and adsorb the photons in the water. The water will have impressed upon it the magical effects passed on by the photons. A much cleaner, and more potent homeopathic remedy!

  44. 44
    SisyphusRocks

    It’s like the little pest-repeller sonic clicker I bought. In addition to plugging the damn thing in, I also have to seal all the holes in my house, and make sure there are no crumbs. Uh, if I do the last 2 things, why do I need the clicker? And yes, I waited to read the package until I was home. Dumb, I know

  45. 45
    RodM

    I am actually the one that created this. The name has no hidden meaning, just tried to make it sound like a drug name.

    Thank you to everyone that likes it! :)

  46. 46
    Thylacine

    Amazing how even though this is so ridiculous as a poe concept, it is practically indistinguishable from a genuine claim from the homeopathic industry.

  47. 47
    Isaac Domagalski

    It needs the slogan, “Homeopathic birth control, for when you want pregnant.”

  48. 48
    Isaac

    I also like how it says, “Do not consult your family doctor” and how it’s effectiveness depends on whether or not you use a condom or just pull out.

  49. 49
    Inaji

    RodM:

    I am actually the one that created this. The name has no hidden meaning, just tried to make it sound like a drug name.

    Nice work, Rod. Captures the homeopathic essence well. ;p

  50. 50
    Zorglon XVII

    “Do not consult your family Doctor” constitutes the winking smiley that disqualifies this as a true Poe. Stellar presentation all the same.

  51. 51
    HaggisForBrains

    Caine #49

    Nice work, Rod. Captures the homeopathic essence well. ;p

    Obviously didn’t dilute it enough, then.

  52. 52
    Nuschk

    I recently attended a seminar on alternative techniques for gardening, Eco-construction and related topics. During one of the courses, a woman and her newborn baby came to visit. Somebody explained me that she was last year’s teacher for “natural contraception”.

    Nobody saw the irony.

  53. 53
    Nakarti

    I knew it didn’t make sense that the homeopaths and creationists would admit that a homeopathic remedy was effective without supplementary real science, so I looked deeper into the site…

    Whoever runs it is possibly making a brilliant move, taking Colbert-level sarcasm to woo!

  54. 54
    RodM

    I created another one if you are interested:

    Mentior: The Homeopathic Steroid

    http://thecreationnews.com/photos/item/102/asinline

  55. 55
    backlinks pyramid

    Hi, i need to admit brilliant site you have, i stumbled across it in AOL. Does you get much traffic?

  56. 56
    RodM

    Thanks, Traffic is up and down, PZ posting this really drove a lot of traffic. Had about 15,000 visitors last month but so far this month traffic is way down, about 50-100 a day.

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