Mock The Movie: Delta Force 2 transcript

Twitter changed their APIs about six months ago, and retired the ones I was using last week. I had no clue this was happening. I had to spend two hours after the movie working out what happened, and fixing the scrape script, before I could build this transcript.

Okay, sure, I didn’t NEED to spend those two hours immediately after the movie to fix this, but I can get a bit obsessive about fixing things that break.

Anyway, the Chuck Norris internet meme certainly didn’t pan out for much of this movie. There were plenty of moments where Chuck was less than awesome, including one where a snake nearly scared him off a cliff face. The internet meme Chuck would have punched said snake, who would then have flown a hundred feet backward into a cliff wall then exploded violently enough to bring down part of the wall onto its exploded remains in a landslide that would then provide Chuck with an easy set of stairs to climb.
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Mock The Movie: Atlas Shrugged part 1

We did it. We went there. This past Wednesday, we girded our loins for battle and took on quite possibly the dullest, most cynical, most breathtakingly stupefyingly successful movie adaptations of Ayn Rand’s oeuvre ever created — by which I mean, it made $4.6 million gross despite a cost of $20 million. And that despite its complete lack of real special effects outside of a magical train, its obvious use of hotel ballrooms and stock footage and public domain music, its series of second-string actors. This was a movie that felt like it was made on the cheap, and it did miserably. But insofar as it was actually made into a movie, it was actually made into a movie, surprising the living fuck outta us all.

But the selfish quarter of our society really loved it, for all the same reasons as they loved the book — its putting unfettered capitalism and self-interest on a pedestal as the only way to create good in this world, its unabashed damning of straw-socialism, and its dystopian message that society would crumble if the number-pushers stopped pushing numbers because everyone below them is just lazy parasites.

You know, FICTION.

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Mock The Movie: Expect No Mercy transcript

Again, I managed to forget to start my scrape bot to pull tweets from Mentions directly. CA7746 bailed me out of a bit of a jam by reparsing the raw HTML of Twitter, a trick I’ve done once already but have evidently lost the code for. I was going to rewrite that parser tonight, but CA7746 has evidently spared me the difficulty.

My usual scrape bot, which pulls from @-mentions from the account proper, could only grab the last 200 statuses — a limitation of the API, it seems. Either I haven’t figured out how to paginate through the results properly, or it simply won’t let me do so the same way as paginating through a direct search for @MockTM would. I might rebuild the engine to grab transcripts from @MockTM searches, though that would mean we wouldn’t be able to limit the tweets pulled to only those people @MockTM has followed. That would mean letting potential spam in.

In case there’s anything spammy above the double-dash (haven’t had time to reread it all), let me know and I’ll pull it out.

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Mock The Movie: .COM For Murder

This movie was easily one of the best worst movies we’ve seen and targeted for Mock The Movie, and not just because of our tech-savvy participants. This movie took itself so seriously, and tried so hard, and yet it failed so miserably at everything it did. Every character was inept, even the supposedly hyper-adept evil hacker. Every action taken was ludicrous, and there were dozens and dozens of ways to short-circuit the evil hacker’s plans. It was ripe for the picking, and boy did we pick.

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Mock the Movie: Super Mario Bros transcript

Taking a short break from OmegaCon — a tiny gathering of nerds playing board and video games for a weekend in Wisconsin — to post this nerdy video-game-related Mock The Movie transcript. Oh, and also sleep.

This movie did not hold up as well as I thought it would. Then again, I was like, what, 15? At the time I thought it was totally cool and exciting. And now… I could have done without, you know, all the millions of ways that it was nothing like the video games.
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Mock the Movie: Masque of the Red Death transcript

I can’t believe so many people proclaimed so loudly and strongly that this was a good movie. Seriously. It wasn’t even good as a movie divorced from any knowledge of Poe’s original works. Sorry, Vincent Price. They can’t all live up to your legacy. Not when Roger Corman is trying to prove what he can do with a budget.

Remember to check the Mock the Movie page for transcripts, subtitle files and future airdates! CA7746 sent me SRTs for Mega Python vs Gatoroid, which will be available on that page. Still have to reparse the transcript for Atom Age Vampire, as well.
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Mock The Movie: Megapython Vs. Gatoroid transcript

I did a bit of digital archaeology and found two of our earliest transcripts had never been posted. Here’s Megapython Vs. Gatoroid, originally airing — err, tweeting — August 31st, 2011. This one was the natural Syfy follow-up to the inaugural Sands of Oblivion event that kicked off Mock The Movie — sadly, we didn’t get a transcript of the first run, so we eventually redid it.

I also found a transcript, in completely the wrong format, from our second-ever event: Atom Age Vampire. I’m going to have to parse it back into shape before I post it.

Go check out the brand-spankin’-new Mock The Movie page where all the old transcripts and subtitle files have been posted.

We’ve added .com For Murder at the end of the queue, with a tagline of “In cyberspace no one can hear you scream”. Come on, how could we not!?

And we’re actively taking submissions for new movies. The sweet spot on IMDB is between 2.5 and 4 stars. Anything lower than that is unwatchable, anything higher than that is probably too good to mock (or too self-aware to make for easy mocking). We get better participation when the movie’s available someplace for free — Hulu for Americans, Archive.org for everyone for movies that are now public domain, and Youtube for movies that may end up getting yanked before showtime (so be careful when offering movies from there). We do some movies that require paid services like Hulu Plus or Netflix now and again, but we try to space those out for better participation and access. Make your suggestions in the comments!

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Mock The Movie: DNA transcript

Last night we watched what happens when you stick Jurassic Park, Terminator, Alien, Iron Chef and Turok: Dinosaur Hunter into a blender, hit puree, then dump half of it out and fill the remainder of your glass with some horrible stop-motion animation. It was slightly disappointing that a few action tropes were missed (I was really hoping for the speedboat to ramp off of some conveniently-placed jungle logs for instance), but there were a lot that were hit, so our mockery quota was satisfied I think.

Our noble Sky Captain, CompulsoryAccount7746, provides the subtitle files for those of you watching this in a format VLC can handle. In color, and for those of you displaying these movies on your monochrome telephonoscope machine, white only.

Here’s our calendar of upcoming events. You can also subscribe to the iCal file.

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Mock The Movie: Dark Angel transcript

I watched this movie on TV when I was young-ish, but I knew it only by its alternate title, I Come In Peace. I have distinct memories of how cool the CD-shooting weapon was, how awesome the main character’s roundhouse kick was and how infrequently he used it, how neat it was that we got to see the mechanic lady’s bra — shortly before she died a horrific death, and how suddenly guilty I felt for my twelve-year-old-ish self being excited just a moment prior.

I definitely don’t remember the gratuitous boobs in the strip club (because they were edited out for TV), nor That Guy Who Plays Criminal Savants In Everything having a name (much less “Boner”), nor did I notice exactly how horrible of actors everyone was. At that age, I remember liking it, but I also remember liking Super Mario Bros: The Movie with Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo so I was definitely not one to judge. OH BY THE WAY WE’RE ADDING THAT TO THE QUEUE.

CA7746 again provides the subtitle file for Dark Angel in White Supremacist and Multicultural formats. I mean, err, white-only text and multi-colored text. As usual, save them, rename them to the same as the movie file with the extension .srt, and keep in the same folder as the movie file, and load the movie in VLC.

There’s also a subtitle file for our last film in white-only, which is fitting for black-and-white movies. (With all white actors.)

Here’s our calendar of upcoming events. You can also subscribe to the iCal file.


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Mock The Movie: Cat Women of the Moon transcript

So I screwed up the tweet-recording of this gloriously horrible hour long film. The logger was apparently not running at all through the entire movie. So I rejiggered the script to pull all the tweets available, but sadly, the Twitter API is kinda limiting and only grabbed the last 200 @-mentions. Other API methods support pagination to pull more than 200 per API-call, but apparently not Mentions, so I had to go to the Twitter web interface and save an HTML dump of the entire movie, then whip up a quick parser to parse it to something approximating my usual transcript style. The only flaws are that hashtags aren’t delinked, and the timestamp is in a different format that I simply couldn’t be bothered to reparse to the usual format. So the first half of the transcript will be slightly different from the second half, and I’ve marked where it switches to the usual style with a double-dash. (If you care.)

Sigh.

Anyway, this movie contained a lot of women acting pretty much like every straw-feminist trope in the book. And the only woman we were supposed to sympathize with spent the entire movie either enthralled by the evil straw-feminist moon cat women things via their mental telepathy, or enthralled by the thuggish physical ministrations of the man she loved. It was a riotous and rollicking adventure through nonsense, with an abrupt murderous end that happens almost entirely off-camera. It’s like they ran out of money to actually continue paying the Hollywood Cover Girls, so they decided to end it by shouting about their deaths from offscreen. A fitting end to such prototypical examples of the imaginary creature that is the straw-feminist, anyway.

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