1
00:00:55,000 --> 00:01:01,000
lousycanuck: Billions of planets, billions of creatures, some peaceful, some warlike, some populated by Libertarians.

2
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:17,000
szvan: Damn, that's a spiky planet.

3
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:52,000
szvan: Apparently alien robots communicate through interpretive dance.

4
00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:03,000
lousycanuck: Starman and his Magic Wristwatch can fly through space unaided. And this was invented by creatures with no opposable thumbs.

5
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:46,000
lousycanuck: I like that this movie practices the "tell, don't show" method of storytelling.

6
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:15,000
szvan: You'd almost think the Japanese were scarred by that whole nuclear option thing.

7
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:26,000
lousycanuck: "No matter how fast I fly at that thing, it stays the same distance away! No fair!"

8
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:25,000
brx0: So far all the drama is coming from the narrator explaining how dramatic everything is.  Plus Ken Utsui scowling all the time.

9
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:38,000
szvan: One of StarMan's superpowers is to change size randomly and without warning.

10
00:05:54,000 --> 00:06:00,000
brx0: I'm actually looking forward to the point in the distant future where we all switch back to analog gauges for everything.

11
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:39,000
lousycanuck: How did Starman gather that there's a traitor on Earth from there being a ship in orbit? Why, it's one of his watch-endowed powers!

12
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:52,000
szvan: Perhaps the astronomers would get more good out of their tools if someone told them to use them at night instead.

13
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:12,000
brx0: Hmm.  Why put a space laboratory on the coast if you aren't going to have a creature wade out of the sea?  Seems like a waste.

14
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:52,000
szvan: Ah, the good old days, when we destroyed Japanese movies with bland dubs instead of bland remakes.

15
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:47,000
brx0: So the space lab / spaceship looks like an electrical substation hidden inside a lighthouse.

16
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:56,000
lousycanuck: The relays burned up and condensers failed. "Oh, here's what happened. Made In USA."

17
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:54,000
lousycanuck: Wow, paranoia. "This project could discover what's beyond our solar system! And our enemies could use that knowledge against us!"

18
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:41,000
brx0: Aaand they're all out of solenoids.  I hate it when that happens.

19
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:56,000
szvan: Oh, look, the kids are going to stay involved in the story. I bet they won't be subject to *any* peril at all.

20
00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:02,000
lousycanuck: @szvan Don't worry, Japan's children have Gamera to protect them. Gamera is friend to all children!

21
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:09,000
brx0: - Somehow they're out of stock at Solenoids-R-Us.  So our heroes stalk the guy who bought the last 1.  It's like Xmas shopping.

22
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:32,000
lousycanuck: Taxis in Japan are free for all movie protagonists, especially waiflike children.

23
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:10,000
szvan: Let's run right behind him! He'll never notice our pounding feet!

24
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:30,000
brx0: And two kids lurking behind an exposed telephone pole won't arouse suspicion or anything.

25
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:22,000
brx0: The secret lair entrance concealed in a cemetery is a nice touch.

26
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:43,000
szvan: Okay, props to this movie. The kids *tried* to do the smart thing.

27
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:50,000
lousycanuck: "Stay right where you are! No, don't run left then right. You're not very good at this, are you?"

28
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:27,000
lousycanuck: "Ah, hey boss, we caught us some meddling kids. Want I should get them to join our gang and put them in fedoras?"

29
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:43,000
DrRubidium: why am I missing? Grading.  Damn you, grading!!!!!

30
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:50,000
szvan: And then they blow all the goodwill on a stereotypical maniacal cackle.

31
00:15:55,000 --> 00:16:01,000
brx0: Although - and maybe I've seen too many Bond movies - this secret lair is totally not swanky enough.

32
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:41,000
lousycanuck: Oh, pseudo-Nazis! Nice!

33
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:35,000
szvan: "And you were there, Henry. And you..."

34
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:40,000
brx0: - So far all the plot twists rely on nobody having a mobile phone in the future.  Ok.

35
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:54,000
lousycanuck: Doctor, this note arrived for you. I didn't read it or nothing, but SOMEONE'S GOTTA CRUUUUUSH

36
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:50,000
lousycanuck: The human adult male traitor: "Doctor. I know very well what I am. I'm a teenage girl, just entering the full flowering of puberty."

37
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:41,000
brx0: So why did they wait until now to kidnap Dr. Yamanaka if they need the engine so badly?

38
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:46,000
lousycanuck: @brx0 It's the Godzilla aesthetic.

39
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:50,000
lousycanuck: The top security guys on Earth are going to consult with a guy claiming to be an alien named Starman. Because, you know, why not?

40
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:09,000
brx0: If you, the superhero, show up at a meeting of world leaders wearing a suit, you really ought to bring some PowerPoint slides.

41
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:33,000
szvan: Could someone please give StarMan some public speaking lessons. I'm getting dizzy watching him.

42
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:33,000
lousycanuck: Starman pirouettes into costume then jumps out the window. Sadly, he forgot the watch and fell to his death. THE END

43
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:51,000
szvan: "I'll make you into a Spherion slave for all time...what? Do I need to explain what that means? Why aren't you scared?"

44
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:58,000
brx0: - Time for the Thought Eradicator.  Wait, is that Rupert Murdoch lurking in the background?

45
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:41,000
lousycanuck: The little kids and the professor are now being brainwashed. And/or having seizures induced. Not sure.

46
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:17,000
brx0: - So HQ's orders are "Kill Starman" and "Get ready for launch".  Helpful advice, there.

47
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:22,000
szvan: StarMan's baggy hose just make me appreciate Edna Mode all the more.

48
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:49,000
lousycanuck: "Increase acceleration to Mach 80!" "Mach 80? We canna' do it, Cap'n, we'll tear the ship apart!"

49
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:56,000
brx0: - Hey, a martial arts battle starring a guy in an Evel Knievel suit.  This is improving.

50
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:10,000
szvan: No, StarMan! Those aren't supervillains! They're disco pioneers!

51
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:46,000
lousycanuck: Okay, after the first five guys get knocked out with zero effort, they should have changed tactics. Like maybe nuking him.

52
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:13,000
lousycanuck: What kind of engineer lets you blow up a space station by mangling its antenna? The kind that goes on to design the Death Star.

53
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:42,000
lousycanuck: Holy shit. This movie has a Death Star. Holy. Shit.

54
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:50,000
brx0: Oh crap, a bigger space station.  And it's moving into Orbit EF.  Which is near the "death star", says the boss.  Hmm.

55
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:16,000
lousycanuck: In the vidscreen of Earth, there are two twinkling stars IN FRONT OF IT.

56
00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:59,000
brx0: So far the bad guys don't seem all that horrible, as far as alien invaders go.

57
00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:22,000
brx0: Ship now nearing the fiery death star.  George Lucas totally ripped this off.

58
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:50,000
szvan: If StarMan has a steel body, couldn't they have made it a body of steel?

59
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:18,000
brx0: So for this "death star", I get the flames, but why does it have a rocky surface?  Stars tend not to have those.

60
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:42,000
lousycanuck: What's this!? Starman hit by a solar flare from the Death Star? Will his deadly namesake spell doom for our hero? Tune in next time!

61
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:08,000
brx0: If you have to remind someone he's been converted into a robot,  it's possible the treatment didn't totally take.

62
00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:24,000
szvan: Pro tip: If you have to tell someone they're completely under you're power...they're not completely under your power.

63
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:36,000
lousycanuck: "How you doing back here, Dr. Yamanaka? You good? Still under our power? Want some milkshake, hmm? Yeah? Good?"

64
00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:38,000
lousycanuck: ProTip Addendum: don't put the freshly brainwashed human in charge of the heat controls or weapons systems.

65
00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:24,000
brx0: Other than a few martial arts scenes, playing Starman was kind of a no-heavy-lifting acting job, wasn't it?

66
00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:46,000
lousycanuck: "Ahahaha!" "What happened? Did we get Starman?" "No, not yet. There's a Chris Rock routine on the in-flight entertainment system."

67
00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:20,000
brx0: Weird how everyone can breathe in outer space now.

68
00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:10,000
szvan: But the secret of my ship is that it is protected solely by my teenaged daughter's glare!

69
00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:19,000
lousycanuck: "You, doctor, will build the ships with which we will conquer the universe." "Uh, wait, question. What's your medical coverage?"

70
00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:26,000
brx0: Ok, the bad guys want to conquer the universe now.  So maybe they're bad after all.

71
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:41,000
brx0: Ok, it's ultimatum time.  Not a bad ultimatum as far as these things go, although Lrrrr, Leader of Omicron Persei VIII still wins.

72
00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:52,000
szvan: No! Not the sherpas!

73
00:44:56,000 --> 00:45:02,000
brx0: So our only hope is for all scientists to pool their resources & work together.  In other words:  DOOOOOOM!!!

74
00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:58,000
brx0: Also, in the future, universe-conquering spaceships are designed by a guy doodling on a blank sheet of paper.

75
00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:39,000
lousycanuck: So Tokyo is somewhere south of New York according to this alien general guy.

76
00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:59,000
szvan: Well, if they aim those missiles where they pointed, I think the world's population is safe.

77
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:18,000
brx0: There go some models of Empire State Building and the Diet Building in Tokyo.  D'oh.

78
00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:39,000
szvan: The bad guys are bad, sure, but they do keep their prisoners in fresh hair ribbons.

79
00:47:58,000 --> 00:48:04,000
brx0: Hey, a plan that relies on surprising the guards.  I guess it was either that, or sneak through the air ducts.

80
00:48:31,000 --> 00:48:37,000
lousycanuck: "Stop! You are forbidden to beat up on guards and steal their clothes!" "All right. We won't do it any more."

81
00:48:57,000 --> 00:49:03,000
brx0: Ok, multiple guards surprised & overcome.  Amazing how well that works in the movies.

82
00:50:20,000 --> 00:50:26,000
lousycanuck: Say... are those pigtails standard issue pseudoNazi hair style?

83
00:51:24,000 --> 00:51:30,000
brx0: And once you have a guard uniform, you're golden.  Nobody remembers seeing you dressed as a prisoner an hour ago.

84
00:52:51,000 --> 00:52:57,000
lousycanuck: "Sabotage!" "Sound the emergency beluga!"

85
00:53:06,000 --> 00:53:12,000
brx0: So the baddies act like space Nazis, but they dress kinda like they're flying a Carnival cruise ship.

86
00:54:08,000 --> 00:54:14,000
brx0: And as space Nazis, they can't seem to settle on exactly how to salute each other.  Stiff arm up?  Stiff arm across the chest?

87
00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:35,000
brx0: Finally, the ol "pace around & look for unfamiliar minions" method.

88
00:56:43,000 --> 00:56:49,000
szvan: Hat at a rakish angle? Glitter hat band? Yeah, the bad guys really are just disco early-adopters.

89
00:56:54,000 --> 00:57:00,000
lousycanuck: "Go ahead! Execute them! No, wait, why are you marching them around? Don't execute them by walking them to death! Use your guns!"

90
00:57:03,000 --> 00:57:09,000
brx0: Firing squad out on the outside of the space station.  Space atmosphere & gravity fail....

91
00:57:30,000 --> 00:57:36,000
brx0: And Starman reappears after vanishing for 20 minutes or so.  Fisticuffs ensue.

92
00:57:59,000 --> 00:58:05,000
brx0: So Starman vs. a ton of baddies.  Some he karate chops, others he just shoots (when pistols magically appear in his hands).

93
00:58:18,000 --> 00:58:24,000
lousycanuck: The invulnerable Starman dual-wielding Lugers. Seems a bit senselessly murderous. I LIKE IT.

94
00:59:23,000 --> 00:59:29,000
brx0: Gratuitous bicep flex.  More pistols.  And we're back to fisticuffs.

95
00:59:58,000 --> 01:00:04,000
lousycanuck: Starman's backflipping around now. Shit just got real.

96
01:00:59,000 --> 01:01:05,000
szvan: I do have to admit, a machine gun makes a pretty bad ass smoke machine.

97
01:01:50,000 --> 01:01:56,000
brx0: How can you conquer the universe if you've never heard of handcuffing your prisoners?

98
01:02:18,000 --> 01:02:24,000
lousycanuck: Dude must have punched or shot a hundred nazis. Where are they all? Evaporated! Self-cleaning henchmen are a Spherion technology.

99
01:02:34,000 --> 01:02:40,000
szvan: Dear impervious StarMan: Time to stop showing off and find the prisoner.

100
01:02:40,000 --> 01:02:46,000
lousycanuck: Yeah, why can't you at least beat up on guys while working in the general direction of your goal?

101
01:03:34,000 --> 01:03:40,000
brx0: The closeup indicates it's more of a slap fight than fisticuffs.  I stand corrected.

102
01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:23,000
lousycanuck: You just know Yamanaka's going to die in a noble sacrifice, and Starman will come out completely unscathed. Such injustice.

103
01:04:24,000 --> 01:04:30,000
szvan: "Ooh, ooh! Call on me, captain! Call on me!"

104
01:04:32,000 --> 01:04:38,000
lousycanuck: 1% of the stars of this film have 99% of the superpowers! Occupy Starman!!!

105
01:06:00,000 --> 01:06:06,000
brx0: Another gratuitous bicep flex.  Is this what Starman does instead of having a cheesy catchphrase?

106
01:06:35,000 --> 01:06:41,000
brx0: Gratuitous backflips, and more slappicuffs.

107
01:07:25,000 --> 01:07:31,000
szvan: The young woman with the machine gun is the only one who's been smart through this whole thing. If she dies, I'm pissed.

108
01:08:30,000 --> 01:08:36,000
lousycanuck: You know, I think the little doodlybopper on top of Starman's hood really ties his outfit together.

109
01:08:47,000 --> 01:08:53,000
brx0: Starting to think Starman movies were to Japan what Hercules movies were to Italy.

110
01:09:42,000 --> 01:09:48,000
brx0: This is actually becoming a very tedious fight sequence.  Everyone is indestructible, apparently.

111
01:09:59,000 --> 01:10:05,000
brx0: Ok, here we go.  END BOSS!

112
01:10:23,000 --> 01:10:29,000
brx0: What do you mean you still have to fight minions after whacking the end boss?  That ain't right.

113
01:10:33,000 --> 01:10:39,000
lousycanuck: "Thank goodness it's you Starman! I've been sitting here shooting nazis for like half an hour now! What took you so long?"

114
01:11:08,000 --> 01:11:14,000
brx0: More "humans breathing in space" movie magic.

115
01:11:27,000 --> 01:11:33,000
brx0: Also, Starman could totally catch the spaceship right now if he wanted to, but he kind of likes the snuggling.

116
01:11:44,000 --> 01:11:50,000
lousycanuck: Don't worry about the young lady, folks. They only got rid of all the air in space in about 1968.

117
01:12:08,000 --> 01:12:14,000
szvan: Oh, hi, dear. Um...sorry for leaving you behind and all that.

118
01:12:53,000 --> 01:12:59,000
lousycanuck: "More thrust! This baby can get up to Mach 80, I hear!"

119
01:14:09,000 --> 01:14:15,000
brx0: Hey, our heroes deflected the baddies into orbit EM-10!  And now they're speeding up to Mach 100!  They mean business, guys.

120
01:14:18,000 --> 01:14:24,000
lousycanuck: "Mach 100?! Whaddaya, nuts!?" "More thrust." "Turning it higher!" "More thrust." "Look, I'll just set it to Mach Infinity, okay?"

121
01:15:09,000 --> 01:15:15,000
brx0: Ok, poof goes the space station.  And Starman waves and flies off into the sunset.  The End!

122
01:15:25,000 --> 01:15:31,000
lousycanuck: Today's lesson: flex. Always flex. Bullets will bounce off you if you flex.