1
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:17,000
lousycanuck: And we have title sequence. PEW PEW PEW

2
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:27,000
drskyskull: So, the title is "Laser Mission", and 2 secs later we're seeing images of gunfire?  #notagoodsign

3
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:33,000
brx0: I hate to admit this, but I do actually own this movie on DVD.  It came in a big box set of B movies.

4
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:42,000
DrRubidium: is this the worst theme song ever? It must be.

5
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:48,000
blakestacey: OK, let's get this out of the way: "Laser Misson? But I hardly know 'er mission!"

6
00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:03,000
szvan: Oh, remember when laser effect were new and fresh? *nostalgia*

7
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:08,000
blakestacey: Rock out to the sub-Foreigner theme song!

8
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:18,000
drskyskull: Producer Hans Kuhle "Senior".  Thank goodness - junior *sucks* at filmmaking!

9
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:18,000
blakestacey: Uh-oh, looks like this movie was a family operation.

10
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:34,000
DrRubidium: what's up with the armed guards? What the hell kinda party is this?

11
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:47,000
brx0: LIke all classic action movies, we begin with unsympathetic rich twits in an art gallery...

12
00:01:56,000 --> 00:02:02,000
lousycanuck: Tonight is a special occasion for we, a select few, have the privilege of mocking the hell out of an 80s movie.

13
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:13,000
DrRubidium: this is the WORST fake British accent since Mary Poppins

14
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:20,000
szvan: Oh, yeah. 80s skinny tuxes.

15
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:26,000
blakestacey: "Larger than the Hope! More brilliant than the one that guy found in BLOOD DIAMOND!"

16
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:39,000
drskyskull: Oh, shit - the smoke monster from "Lost" is stealing the diamond!!!

17
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:45,000
brx0: Maybe it's because of how 2011 went, but I'm pretty certain that the gassing scene was unrealistic.

18
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:51,000
DrRubidium: why the hell is the diamond glowing? Ohhhh..... is it cursed?  You know, like this movie?

19
00:02:54,000 --> 00:03:00,000
lousycanuck: What was the point of firing a shotgun blast randomly and indiscriminately into a crowd of sleeping patrons? Overkill, of course!

20
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:12,000
szvan: I've never had champagne quite that bad. Just close.

21
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:33,000
brx0: Cuba has a cool Art Deco airport, apparently.

22
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:39,000
blakestacey: this is what you'd get if the crew of the original Star Trek beamed down to a Miami Vice planet.

23
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:57,000
drskyskull: I love these kind of HARD ROCKIN' CUSTOMS SCENES!!!

24
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:27,000
lousycanuck: "What kind of business do you do?" "People management and general ass-kickery."

25
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:34,000
blakestacey: Buzzword-intensive management consulting is a dangerous job?

26
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:34,000
brx0: Brandon Lee lays on the ham and he isn't even through customs yet.

27
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:46,000
DrRubidium: is that a leather trench coat? REALLY? Sweet mother

28
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:56,000
brx0: And a Cuban cigar joke for viewers slow on the uptake.  Which is probably most of them.

29
00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:03,000
blakestacey: Wow, he's taking a long walk back from a short pier!

30
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:06,000
drskyskull: @blakestacey Ha ha!

31
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:15,000
lousycanuck: "Nice beach. Now if only I could find a poofy-haired blonde lady somewhere around here, we could get this movie started."

32
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:43,000
brx0: Ernest Borgnine doing his best Old Man and the Sea act.

33
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:14,000
blakestacey: "You're fond of birds?" "Yes, I find albatross is delicious!"

34
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:28,000
drskyskull: Ernest Borgnine is either playing a Russian or is doing the worst Count Dracula impersonation ever.

35
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:36,000
brx0: And Brandon Lee looks like Dean Cain morphed with Harry Potter.  Must be the glasses.

36
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:48,000
DrRubidium: I'm more Cuban than Ernest Borgnine

37
00:06:55,000 --> 00:07:01,000
blakestacey: He's afraid that Star Wars will destroy the world? His brain must have the secrets of the prequels!

38
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:06,000
brx0: Oh, this dialogue.  I weep.

39
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:13,000
lousycanuck: "It will be all here!" *points to groin*

40
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:20,000
drskyskull: "Are you acquainted with theoretical physics?"  Ernest, I've tried that pickup line; it never works.

41
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:26,000
lousycanuck: @drskyskull No worse than my own, honestly.

42
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:38,000
blakestacey: "In America, you can have a ticket to ride!" "And she won't care?"

43
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:52,000
szvan: And I thought Ernest Borgnine's eyebrows were distracting.

44
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:58,000
DrRubidium: Holy fuck! Jason Lee is the WORST spy ever

45
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:09,000
brx0: We're still in Cuba, right?  Why does everyone speak English with an Eastern European accent?

46
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:32,000
drskyskull: "Sorry, Mr. Gold, your acting was deemed a crime against humanity."

47
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:37,000
lousycanuck: "You look a little nauseous." "No I'm fi- HOLY CRAP YOU'RE M BISON!"

48
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:44,000
DrRubidium: um, what with all the Russian soldiers?  We are in Cuba, right? Where is Fidel?!

49
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:10,000
szvan: So, since the movie is set in a communist country, we get eastern European horror movie music cues?

50
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:22,000
brx0: I feel for the Rooskie guy, and all the other niche character actors whose B movie careers ended with the Soviet Union.

51
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:56,000
brx0: Aaand they have a guillotine?  We're in Soviet France?

52
00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:03,000
lousycanuck: "I work for money." "Haha! In a socialist state!" "No, I mean I take orders from the guy on the money. He talks to me."

53
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:22,000
blakestacey: "What'd you do to the professor?" "He is now, as you say...emeritus."

54
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:28,000
lousycanuck: "What did you do with the professor?" "You should only be worried about what they did with Gilligan."

55
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:37,000
DrRubidium: HOLY FUCK!  The Cuban accent was even WORSE than the British one

56
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:44,000
szvan: "Hey, as long as we're filming in an historical reconstruction village, let's write in this guillotine they just happen to have!"

57
00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:02,000
blakestacey: "Fight scene theme by CASIO demo button!"

58
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:11,000
drskyskull: The action scenes in "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" were more exciting.

59
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:17,000
lousycanuck: Ha ha, a knife in the chest! That'll learn ya for waiting fifteen seconds to shoot me after walking around the corner!

60
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:28,000
brx0: That looks like the same corridor again.  I call shenanigans.

61
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:31,000
DrRubidium: Those Russians are running a pretty bullshit Cuban prison

62
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:56,000
blakestacey: "Yesterday in Havana, a bloodless rampage claimed the lives of eight stuntmen."

63
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:10,000
drskyskull: Russian soldier: "Hey, guys - I just realized - *bullets* come out of these gun things we have!"

64
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:25,000
szvan: Damn. He's so good, he mows down people without ever pointing the gun in their direction!

65
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:33,000
blakestacey: "Officers report an escaped convict open fire with a range of sound effects."

66
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:40,000
brx0: What a quick cutaway from the guillotine bit.  Didn't really want to see it, but I still feel cheated somehow.

67
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:46,000
DrRubidium: um...there is no US embassy there...'cause it's Cuba

68
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:52,000
lousycanuck: Holy crap, a US embassy in Cuba? Right!

69
00:12:54,000 --> 00:13:00,000
blakestacey: "What didn't you do wrong?" "I didn't take money from Goldman Sachs."

70
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:21,000
lousycanuck: "Kiss my ass." "NO!" "Yes." "NO!"

71
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:25,000
blakestacey: "You didn't tell me who he was!" "We expected you to know how to Google."

72
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:35,000
drskyskull: Am I the only one who hears Doctor Evil every time someone says, "Laaaazzzzer"?

73
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:43,000
brx0: So where's this "Kovango" place?  I thought they were in Cuba?  This is so complicated.

74
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:56,000
DrRubidium: I'm confused? Where the fuck are we? Cuba, somewhere in Africa? Wait, it's a made up country?

75
00:13:54,000 --> 00:14:00,000
drskyskull: @DrRubidium We're filming in Lowbudgetstan.

76
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:25,000
lousycanuck: @brx0 Next scene will be the same room without the American flags.

77
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:41,000
drskyskull: G. Gordon Liddy and Bob Newhart are really giving him hell.

78
00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:03,000
lousycanuck: "You're only in it for the money!" "No, not this time. This time I'll take a post-dated cheque."

79
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:07,000
szvan: "I'll do it, but not for you, and not for the money. I'll do it because your cameraman really likes my cheekbones."

80
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:15,000
DrRubidium: Christ. This dialogue is THE WORST.

81
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:28,000
brx0: What committee wrote this dialogue?  So, so painful.

82
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:58,000
lousycanuck: Hey wait, who's this new character with the pencil moustache? Oh wait, right, he's the main character. What a master of disguise!

83
00:15:55,000 --> 00:16:01,000
drskyskull: "The perfect disguise, now I'm *senor* Brandon Lee!"

84
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:05,000
szvan: Yeah, dude. That fake mustache totally makes you look like some *completely different* entitled preppy shit.

85
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:09,000
drskyskull: @szvan Nice! :)

86
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:23,000
drskyskull: Hey, I think they stole one of my old skydiving videos to make this movie!

87
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:27,000
DrRubidium: LMFAO! RT @DrRubidium We're filming in Lowbudgetstan.

88
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:30,000
brx0: And I guess they just fly into Cuba on a Cessna & drop Our Hero in the woods somewhere?  Subtle.

89
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:51,000
blakestacey: "Bonjour. I am also uno communisto."

90
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:22,000
drskyskull: *slap slap slap* Hmm... I thought Brandon Lee's martial arts skills were better than that.

91
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:28,000
lousycanuck: "What did ouu jus see?" "Uh... why you speak English, el capitan?"

92
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:34,000
brx0: And now Brandon Lee has a fake moustache and a fake Spanish accent.  This is SNL, right?

93
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:59,000
DrRubidium: OK, I'm really hoping that they all get killed as soon as possible

94
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:07,000
drskyskull: @brx0 The plot is like a Phillip K. Dick novel, isn't it?

95
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:34,000
DrRubidium: That Cuban accent sounding remarkably like a German accent

96
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:22,000
brx0: Waiiiit, I thought we were in Cuba...?

97
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:27,000
drskyskull: Did everyone else see the hotel desk clerk's ears wiggle?  O_o

98
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:34,000
lousycanuck: "Comrade Colonel"? Really? KGB presence in Cuba is just natural or something, because all them Commies look alike.

99
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:50,000
blakestacey: "I shall pluck out Michael Gold's eyes with my fingers. Or perhaps my toes."

100
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:59,000
szvan: Because it's not enough that she's a blonde with a curly do and short shorts: She talks baby talk!

101
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:15,000
brx0: Lions? Monkeys? Snakes?  I smell a plot device here.

102
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:30,000
blakestacey: Ah, so THIS is where all the animals are bred for SyFy original movies!

103
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:45,000
lousycanuck: Michael Gold, master of disguise. Next he'll be the Monty Python "Bring out your dead" guy.

104
00:20:55,000 --> 00:21:01,000
szvan: "Oh, you're here to talk about my dad! Uh...well...you're cute!"

105
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:17,000
drskyskull: "Your photographs don't do you justice.  You're handsome in them."

106
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:31,000
DrRubidium: so the daughter has no accent?

107
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:56,000
brx0: Oh yeah, he's playing a hunchback beggar now?  Because that's not conspicuous at all in an animal refuge.

108
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:16,000
DrRubidium: So the Cuban army, while hunting for a spy, takes a break to play dice?

109
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:23,000
brx0: So the two Cuban soldiers from earlier are going to be our Comic Relief Duo, I guess.  Like we need comic relief here.

110
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:31,000
szvan: Time to do something stupid, so we can have another fight scene.

111
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:46,000
lousycanuck: The musical flair for the alarm being tripped was done by dropping the tears of the focus group on a xylophone. True story.

112
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:53,000
DrRubidium: way to go Lee! You're the worst spy ever

113
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:09,000
brx0: Look, a messy home office full of Death Laser plans.  This seems unprofessional.

114
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:11,000
drskyskull: Holy shit, if Brandon Lee is the best agent we've got, all Americans will be speaking Russian by the end of the film.

115
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:16,000
brx0: She just said "Caramba".  For reals.

116
00:23:56,000 --> 00:24:02,000
blakestacey: I think that pratfall hurt me more than it hurt them.

117
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:06,000
DrRubidium: so this movie is a slapstick comedy? Oh, I get it!

118
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:13,000
lousycanuck: I think this is documentary evidence that Brandon Lee is the origin of parkour.

119
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:45,000
brx0: Boy, Cuban buildings don't hold up to a little action movie-ing, do they?

120
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:48,000
blakestacey: "It's rainin' Lee! Hallelujah, it's rainin' Lee!"

121
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:55,000
lousycanuck: "I just dropped in to say bon appetit." "Que?"

122
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:33,000
drskyskull: "I think my father is dead." It's obvious from the dress she wore that she's in mourning.

123
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:40,000
blakestacey: "When I want to flirt, I'll be wearing an even more absurd dress."

124
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:42,000
drskyskull: @blakestacey AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

125
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:54,000
brx0: 80s big hair alert.

126
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:58,000
DrRubidium: Sweet mother, she's got a Valley girl accent.

127
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:13,000
blakestacey: "Where do we find this Professor Boobs?"

128
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:15,000
drskyskull: @blakestacey Again: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

129
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:25,000
lousycanuck: Girls have price stickers? The things you learn.

130
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:32,000
drskyskull: Sexy dialogue written by the boys of Mrs. Hanson's third grade class!

131
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:52,000
brx0: Wait, it was night just a minute ago.  It's day again?  Damn commies and their unnatural day-night cycles.

132
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:59,000
DrRubidium: and at what inopportune time are those two going to have sex?

133
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:11,000
szvan: And that was the death of an acting career, witnessed on film.

134
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:35,000
lousycanuck: "Skeleton... look for... boooooobsaaaghh."

135
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:56,000
blakestacey: "I think your father's alive, and I know just where to look for boobs!"

136
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:10,000
brx0: Ooh, she has a *gun*!  Unexpected!

137
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:29,000
lousycanuck: "You drive." "You'll be sorry. Because I'm a girl, you see. And we're bitches for not putting out, and can't drive."

138
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:35,000
szvan: Couldn't they even get Glenn Frey for the soundtrack like every other 80s movie?

139
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:37,000
lousycanuck: @szvan I'm holding out for Flashdance by the end of the movie.

140
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:44,000
brx0: I'm still not 100% sure this looks like Cuba.

141
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:50,000
DrRubidium: 'In the violence of the night' is the perfect theme song 'cause this movie makes me want to kill somebody

142
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:14,000
blakestacey: So, he's firing a gun whose effect is to make men jump off of moving vehicles?

143
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:50,000
lousycanuck: Obligatory car chase vendor stand has been destroyed. Let's see if we can get two in this movie.

144
00:29:56,000 --> 00:30:02,000
szvan: You know, while I appreciate that Cuba's ethnic diversity is visible in the background...speaking roles, people!

145
00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:16,000
blakestacey: All together now: fruit cart!

146
00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:16,000
brx0: Fruit Cart!

147
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:22,000
brx0: Another Fruit Cart!

148
00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:25,000
brx0: Rustic Basket Cart!

149
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:14,000
drskyskull: My theory: Alyssa just took a fatal bullet to the brain but we'll only notice it at the end of the film.

150
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:19,000
brx0: Pretty sure a VW bus wouldn't hold up under this treatment.

151
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:43,000
szvan: There are no words to adequately describe that pouty, defiant look on her face, and I'm very sorry for that.

152
00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:55,000
lousycanuck: And a ramp at the end of a pier with explosives and no reason for them to have driven off it. Oh yeah. This is quality.

153
00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:04,000
brx0: Wait.  VW bus, a Thing in camo paint, and (I think) an old Dasher.  Did VW pay to be in this POS?

154
00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:10,000
DrRubidium: how many cars are going to end up in the harbor?

155
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:30,000
brx0: And now we're racing around the Port of Not Really Cuba.

156
00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:37,000
szvan: Gratuitous tit shot. This is the 80s, after all.

157
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:40,000
brx0: Gratuitous Wet T-Shirt.

158
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:46,000
DrRubidium: how did the sergeant end up in a tank top? and why is there a wet t-shirt contest in the middle of the movie?

159
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:51,000
lousycanuck: How did the girl comic relief get stripped down to her conveniently white tank top for that wet t-shirt scene?

160
00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:08,000
blakestacey: Tonight, on TOP GEAR: how quickly can Brandon Lee's obligatory love interest make a lap in our reasonably priced car?

161
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:15,000
brx0: Also, all these vehicles are right hand drive.  Why?

162
00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:24,000
drskyskull: "Where'd you learn to drive like that?" "Well, after my second DUI I really needed to avoid checkpoints..."

163
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:30,000
blakestacey: "Where'd you learn to drive like that? NASA?" "No, Vassar." #MoonrakerReferenceSeemsAptHere

164
00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:37,000
DrRubidium: "We've got nothing but time?" You're running from the fucking army!

165
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:52,000
szvan: "Where to?" "Wait, you mean *you* don't know? We've been driving for hours!"

166
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:08,000
drskyskull: "Let me ask you something..." Have you ever heard of the "ball-cutting fish"?

167
00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:13,000
brx0: We should reach the border by dawn?  Pop quiz:  Name all the countries w/ land borders with Cuba.

168
00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:17,000
DrRubidium: We should reach the border by dawn? What fucking border? Where the fuck are you?

169
00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:21,000
blakestacey: The border? I'm guessing not-Cuba is a not-island country.

170
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:25,000
lousycanuck: Seriously, is this Cuba, or Africa, or what? Where the hell are we? There's a freaking desert now, and a border to the south!

171
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:35,000
brx0: And now it's the vast California desert-like part of Cuba.

172
00:34:56,000 --> 00:35:02,000
blakestacey: "Like it, Professor? It's my newest glass doorknob."

173
00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:15,000
drskyskull: Fun true fact: Ernest Borgnine is a member of the Freemasons.

174
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:29,000
lousycanuck: "I have put that life behind me! Also, that accent!"

175
00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:32,000
brx0: I think I'm going to acquire a cheesy Boris-n-Natasha accent before this movie's over.

176
00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:49,000
blakestacey: "I would rather die!" "What color?"

177
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:09,000
brx0: And now, today's entry in Unconvincing Severed Heads Museums...

178
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:23,000
blakestacey: "What kind of monster are you, collecting latex masks from Spencer's Gifts?"

179
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:25,000
szvan: "What kind of monster are you?!?" "The kind that dabbles in cheap latex effect in his off hours."

180
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:27,000
lousycanuck: "What kind of monster are you? How could you possibly think to keep all these horror masks on display when they're just so shoddy?"

181
00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:45,000
drskyskull: "Pleasant dreams?"  "Yes, I was dreaming I was in 'Die Hard'."

182
00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:53,000
brx0: Border to Namibia?  What continent are we in again?

183
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:54,000
szvan: Wait! We're in Africa?

184
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:56,000
lousycanuck: Namibia? Okay, so how did Cuba get so far off-course then? The mysteries this movie answers could shake the fate of mankind.

185
00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:58,000
drskyskull: I challenge one of you to draw a map of the world as represented in this film.

186
00:36:54,000 --> 00:37:00,000
DrRubidium: So if they're heading to Namibia, they were in Angola?

187
00:36:56,000 --> 00:37:02,000
brx0: I mean, the Cuban army *was* in Angola for a while in the 80s.  Is the audience supposed to know that?

188
00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:41,000
brx0: Driving across Namibia in a VW bus?  Pretty sure I saw this on Top Gear once.

189
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:22,000
blakestacey: "You drive - and turn that damn tape deck off."

190
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:33,000
DrRubidium: of course that stupid bitch tripped!

191
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:34,000
lousycanuck: Yeah, way to murder all those Namibians. Some of them were emigrants from Cuba, you know.

192
00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:52,000
brx0: And today's entry in Unconvincing Guy-On-Fire-Suit Work....

193
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:25,000
DrRubidium: Yeah, that's fucking Nevada, not Namibia!

194
00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:46,000
drskyskull: "How far is it?"  Well, we have to go across two Mobius strips, then circle a logarithmic branch point in the complex plane...

195
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:51,000
lousycanuck: "A few miles? I'm glad I wore my heels, because they're the most practical way to travel through the Namibian desert."

196
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:53,000
szvan: I really hope she's wearing sunscreen on those.

197
00:39:50,000 --> 00:39:56,000
blakestacey: @drskyskull LOL!

198
00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:58,000
brx0: Wait, the wall says "Kavango" but they're flying a Polish flag.  This sure doesn't look like Poland.

199
00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:04,000
DrRubidium: look, either these to are either going to kill each other or have sex. I hope they kill each other and put us out of our misery

200
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:33,000
blakestacey: "Who are you and who are you working for? Frederick's? Victoria's Secret? Fiacchi?"

201
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:48,000
lousycanuck: "And let me tell ya something else buster, this is my spunky scene to show that I'm spunky."

202
00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:52,000
blakestacey: Wait, wasn't he explicitly told that she was KGB?

203
00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:58,000
brx0: She Isn't Who She Seems. The CIA guys said she was KGB, so this bit isn't actually very mysterious. Unless the screenwriters forgot.

204
00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:15,000
blakestacey: "News travels fast, even in the desert. We have much free time for, how you say, hashtag meme games."

205
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:18,000
DrRubidium: sorry, was that a bottle of Jack Daniels? And why is there a random Australian?

206
00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:21,000
drskyskull: Did they just find Crocodile Dundee?  Are they in Australia now?

207
00:43:18,000 --> 00:43:24,000
szvan: Oh, my. The first decent accent in the movie!

208
00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:40,000
brx0: What, now a hard-drinking Aussie prospector with his camels?  Where on earth are we?

209
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:50,000
lousycanuck: Bottle of Jack Daniels guy is the best actor so far.

210
00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:53,000
lousycanuck: By which I mean the bottle itself, not the guy holding it.

211
00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:13,000
blakestacey: "Sorry for losing my temper." "It's all right, it was in your contract."

212
00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:31,000
lousycanuck: "Look, can we, like, trade shoes for a while or something?"

213
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:42,000
brx0: Brandon Lee is a paranoid little dude, isn't he?

214
00:44:55,000 --> 00:45:01,000
drskyskull: "Michael..." "Hmm?"  "Did you know that you can't lick your elbow?"

215
00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:29,000
blakestacey: "Do you think it's safe?" "Not if the synth chords are any clue."

216
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:32,000
DrRubidium: No, I don't think it's safe. That ominous music tells me things are going south very quickly.

217
00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:36,000
lousycanuck: "Look, an abandoned adobe house. Think it's safe?" "No, of course not. That would be silly."

218
00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:45,000
drskyskull: The solo instrumental background music makes me picture them being followed by a wandering troubadour.

219
00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:52,000
brx0: Watch out! Some guy with a bow & arrow is after you!  Because they do that!  In Cuba!

220
00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:11,000
blakestacey: Eeek - sketch factor 7!

221
00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:15,000
lousycanuck: Yeah, I don't blame that guy for shooting that arrow just then. I would have aimed a bit lower and to the right though.

222
00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:26,000
brx0: #protip for evil minions:  When you rush in, don't go Huaaaagh! to alert our heroes first.

223
00:46:56,000 --> 00:47:02,000
lousycanuck: "At least we're out of danger now. Now about that blowjob?" *gunshots* "Everyones a critic of my pickup style."

224
00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:13,000
szvan: Wait, he's running on government business with a .22?

225
00:47:25,000 --> 00:47:31,000
DrRubidium: Everyone in this movie has the worst aim imaginable - with the exception of Lee, of course

226
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:37,000
drskyskull: He certainly has a very hearty scream for someone who just got a bullet through his chest.

227
00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:45,000
lousycanuck: *stands over body* "Ice to meet you. No, wait, this is a desert. What's a good line for that?"

228
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:52,000
drskyskull: @lousycanuck He got his... just deserts.  *puts on sunglasses* YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

229
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:59,000
DrRubidium: @drskyskull well, played! @lousycanuck

230
00:48:41,000 --> 00:48:47,000
drskyskull: Wandering aimlessly in a desert, nothing interesting in sight... metaphor for how the screenwriters were feeling at this point.

231
00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:27,000
DrRubidium: there is no way she could walk barefoot on that sand - it would be too fucking hot

232
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:46,000
blakestacey: Hmmm, kill the guy who wants to kill us and follow his footprints to a place where there's probably water, or just keep walking?

233
00:49:58,000 --> 00:50:04,000
DrRubidium: sweet fuck! Those are the worst fight sound effects EVER.

234
00:50:17,000 --> 00:50:23,000
drskyskull: "Tell me who you work for, or I'll move my fist towards you and make a sound like I'm punching a slab of meat again."

235
00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:27,000
szvan: Oh, come on. At least synch up the punch foley!

236
00:50:25,000 --> 00:50:31,000
drskyskull: @szvan I'm assuming he hit him so hard he ripped a hole in the fabric of time itself.

237
00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:12,000
lousycanuck: "What are you doing?" "I'm helping you!" "No, you're stealing my damn scene! I was gonna do another line and everything!"

238
00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:37,000
lousycanuck: That horse's walking like it's drunk. Then again, I'd have to be drunk to be in this movie too.

239
00:51:37,000 --> 00:51:43,000
szvan: No, the horse does not *gallop* across the desert for you.

240
00:51:50,000 --> 00:51:56,000
drskyskull: "Okay, after we find your father, we're going to find this f%&king singer and shut him up once and for all."

241
00:51:57,000 --> 00:52:03,000
DrRubidium: HOLY SHIT! They're in fucking San Diego.

242
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:20,000
brx0: Pausing the movie... wife's home...

243
00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:23,000
drskyskull: @brx0 Don't want to admit to her what you're watching? ;)

244
00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:25,000
blakestacey: I wonder whose government he told them to bill this time.

245
00:53:27,000 --> 00:53:33,000
DrRubidium: ok, is now when we'll get to the gratuitous sex?

246
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:38,000
szvan: Yeah, the first thing I'd want after crossing the desert is the bed, not the shower. Uh, huh.

247
00:53:40,000 --> 00:53:46,000
drskyskull: "I'll go tonight and see what I can find under cover of darkness.  Because it's dark at night.  And people can't see me. At night."

248
00:53:47,000 --> 00:53:53,000
DrRubidium: thank God there wasn't a sex scene

249
00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:56,000
lousycanuck: Oh man. I don't think I could have withstood a sex scene right then. @DrRubidium

250
00:54:17,000 --> 00:54:23,000
drskyskull: Brandon Lee's attempt at a "passionate" gaze said to me: "I'm about to have severe diarrhea."

251
00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:32,000
szvan: Sure there's no support under that dress. This movie had already broken all credibility, but really?

252
00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:43,000
blakestacey: man, they found one voyeuristic synth player.

253
00:55:38,000 --> 00:55:44,000
drskyskull: "Vich room?"  "Mitch room?"  "Vich ROOM?"  "Hitch boom?"

254
00:56:20,000 --> 00:56:26,000
DrRubidium: how the fuck did this movie ever get made? why did they ever show it to anyone?

255
00:56:34,000 --> 00:56:40,000
blakestacey: Ladies and gentlemen, the world's least inquisitive spy.

256
00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:55,000
drskyskull: In each of these chase scenes, I feel the urge to sing "Chitty-chitty-bang-bang".

257
00:57:06,000 --> 00:57:12,000
szvan: She hasn't called! But she said she'd call!

258
00:57:24,000 --> 00:57:30,000
lousycanuck: "Listen, I've got good news. I just saved a ton of money by switching insurance companies."

259
00:57:47,000 --> 00:57:53,000
DrRubidium: love? Really? For fuck's sake

260
00:58:23,000 --> 00:58:29,000
lousycanuck: "German on the sign now? Good thing I'm a..." *sunglasses* "cunning linguist."  YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

261
00:58:27,000 --> 00:58:33,000
blakestacey: Entry is stricten verboten! Sittung un bewatching das blinkenlights!

262
00:58:38,000 --> 00:58:44,000
DrRubidium: the only good thing about this movie is the shit we're talking about it

263
00:58:43,000 --> 00:58:49,000
drskyskull: @DrRubidium Yep - but that makes it all worthwhile! :)

264
00:59:40,000 --> 00:59:46,000
DrRubidium: Lee is THE. WORST. SPY. EVER.

265
00:59:40,000 --> 00:59:46,000
szvan: Damn, he's good. Or not.

266
01:00:07,000 --> 01:00:13,000
blakestacey: "I suppose that's why we're here?" "The glass doorknob of doom, yes."

267
01:00:31,000 --> 01:00:37,000
blakestacey: laser + diamond = nuclear weapon. Let's just sit and...process that a while, shall we.

268
01:00:37,000 --> 01:00:43,000
szvan: And now we get to the laser nuclear weapon. Can we hope this is the nadir?

269
01:00:44,000 --> 01:00:50,000
lousycanuck: This is some very specialized knowledge that Ernest Boobs-dad knows, to turn a laser plus a diamond into a nuke.

270
01:00:57,000 --> 01:01:03,000
lousycanuck: "At last we meet." "I'd love to shake hands... but I'm a germophobe."

271
01:01:03,000 --> 01:01:09,000
blakestacey: Turns out the other secret ingredient in the doomsday machine is lame one-liners.

272
01:01:32,000 --> 01:01:38,000
drskyskull: No matter how bad the science is in this film, it's no worse than Keanu Reeves as a nuclear engineer in "Chain Reaction".

273
01:01:37,000 --> 01:01:43,000
blakestacey: Hey, Keanu graduated from the same PhD program as Christmas Jones!

274
01:01:59,000 --> 01:02:05,000
szvan: I'd be more impressed with Lee as an actor if he looked over the people he wanted to fuck and those he wanted to kill...differently.

275
01:02:20,000 --> 01:02:26,000
drskyskull: "Sporting chance."  "Ve're going to play Russian roulette... vith my automatic."

276
01:02:37,000 --> 01:02:43,000
DrRubidium: that's a LOT of dead animals in one room

277
01:02:45,000 --> 01:02:51,000
blakestacey: "Yes, I keep the diamond in this unlocked wooden box."

278
01:02:51,000 --> 01:02:57,000
drskyskull: Isn't that the same trophy room they filmed the end of "Roadhouse" in?

279
01:03:13,000 --> 01:03:19,000
blakestacey: "I intend to kill you and rescue the professor and his daughter." "You fool! She is perhaps passable with beer goggles, but-"

280
01:03:17,000 --> 01:03:23,000
lousycanuck: Dude, there was a crossbow RIGHT THERE. Fail.

281
01:04:01,000 --> 01:04:07,000
DrRubidium: where the fuck did the ninja come from?!

282
01:04:07,000 --> 01:04:13,000
drskyskull: Wait... what just happened?  Did we skip a reel? O_o

283
01:04:12,000 --> 01:04:18,000
DrRubidium: that was the lamest ninja attack EVER

284
01:04:14,000 --> 01:04:20,000
lousycanuck: A ninja. A ninja that is defeated with one punch and a backbreaker.

285
01:04:19,000 --> 01:04:25,000
szvan: Tell me the ninja is a dream sequence. Tell me the ninja is a dream sequence. Tell me the ninja is a dream sequence.

286
01:04:22,000 --> 01:04:28,000
blakestacey: "Professor!" "I was having the most wonderful dream. I had a grandchild and told him stories about an evil monkey..."

287
01:04:28,000 --> 01:04:34,000
drskyskull: @szvan Cigar chomping movie mogul: "No! No! No!  Not good enough!  You know what this film needs?  Ninjas!"

288
01:04:33,000 --> 01:04:39,000
szvan: @drskyskull But we only have the budget for one! And he doesn't know how to fight!

289
01:04:38,000 --> 01:04:44,000
drskyskull: @szvan ... and it's the director's unemployed no-good cousin!

290
01:04:57,000 --> 01:05:03,000
lousycanuck: A rock pit. Knowing this movie's track record, it's probably in Egypt.

291
01:05:11,000 --> 01:05:17,000
szvan: And here is where we rebuild the pyramids.

292
01:05:20,000 --> 01:05:26,000
DrRubidium: how the fuck did the Cuban soldiers end up in Namibia?

293
01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:42,000
drskyskull: @blakestacey MST3k call sign!!! :)

294
01:06:05,000 --> 01:06:11,000
blakestacey: "Have you gathered the dynamite and placed in the boobs? -Damn it."

295
01:06:10,000 --> 01:06:16,000
lousycanuck: "Have you planted the dynamite in the mine?" "As you orde- wait, did you say MINE? DAMMIT Miguel, he said MINE, not MIME."

296
01:06:16,000 --> 01:06:22,000
DrRubidium: #FFS why are there German's running the mine? Slaves?

297
01:07:29,000 --> 01:07:35,000
szvan: "No, see, if you just don't build the middle of each wall, it'll look like a ruin!"

298
01:07:34,000 --> 01:07:40,000
DrRubidium: when did Lee have time to get a new outfit?

299
01:07:49,000 --> 01:07:55,000
lousycanuck: Worst barber ever. She already shaved her cleavage once today, it can't possibly have more than a little stubble by now.

300
01:07:59,000 --> 01:08:05,000
blakestacey: OK, slapstick comedy to Holocaust-style mass executions in, what, 60 minutes?

301
01:08:03,000 --> 01:08:09,000
szvan: @blakestacey Are you sure you don't mean seconds?

302
01:08:14,000 --> 01:08:20,000
DrRubidium: holy Christ, he gave Borgnine a gun

303
01:08:18,000 --> 01:08:24,000
drskyskull: @DrRubidium #friendlyfire

304
01:08:36,000 --> 01:08:42,000
szvan: I'm not sure she hit the right guy with the shovel.

305
01:08:59,000 --> 01:09:05,000
szvan: Bra strap! See, I told you there was support under there.

306
01:09:25,000 --> 01:09:31,000
szvan: All right. I'll give her props. She's the first person who looked like she wanted to shoot a gun in this whole movie.

307
01:10:18,000 --> 01:10:24,000
DrRubidium: he was Russian? The fuck you say! That was a German accent for sure!

308
01:10:26,000 --> 01:10:32,000
lousycanuck: No, sweetie, look, I know it's a horrible movie but don't slit your wrists - oh , the straps. Okay. Thank goodness.

309
01:10:43,000 --> 01:10:49,000
drskyskull: Since when do Cuban soldiers go, "Yee-hah!"?

310
01:11:17,000 --> 01:11:23,000
lousycanuck: Wow, that gunshot wound sure did knock the wind out of Brandon Lee.

311
01:11:52,000 --> 01:11:58,000
szvan: Dammit. I'm almost out of booze, and we still have "movie" left.

312
01:12:03,000 --> 01:12:09,000
drskyskull: Now she's going to cut off the buttons of his jacket one by one, then lower one shoulder of his jacket...

313
01:12:40,000 --> 01:12:46,000
blakestacey: "Can't be bitten by the woman"?

314
01:13:05,000 --> 01:13:11,000
drskyskull: I'm really pissing off my wife, BTW - I keep cackling at random times.

315
01:13:26,000 --> 01:13:32,000
lousycanuck: No don't hit that stick! IT'S A TRAP!

316
01:13:36,000 --> 01:13:42,000
DrRubidium: cause in African mines, the diamonds are just laying around like rocks

317
01:14:04,000 --> 01:14:10,000
szvan: Wow. Their stunt coordinator really has a fetish for tumbling downhill.

318
01:14:13,000 --> 01:14:19,000
lousycanuck: A MEXICAN stand-off? Quick, someone make a reference to China. Make this a world tour.

319
01:14:19,000 --> 01:14:25,000
drskyskull: @lousycanuck "Ah, you're going with the traditional Antarctic gambit, followed by the Mauritius manuever."

320
01:15:06,000 --> 01:15:12,000
DrRubidium: explosions don't do that to people

321
01:15:18,000 --> 01:15:24,000
blakestacey: Director's vision: "And for the third act, I see...lots of people...shooting things!"

322
01:15:35,000 --> 01:15:41,000
lousycanuck: "Secure the vehicle. Right. Wait, what is vehicle?"

323
01:17:05,000 --> 01:17:11,000
DrRubidium: you've got to be fucking kidding! Nobody could survive that fall down a fucking mine shaft!

324
01:17:09,000 --> 01:17:15,000
szvan: And now it becomes a zombie movie. A bad one, of course, like the bad spy movie, bad romantic comedy, and bad slapstick.

325
01:17:14,000 --> 01:17:20,000
lousycanuck: "Thank goodness that bulletproof vest saved me from that fall into the crevice."

326
01:17:19,000 --> 01:17:25,000
drskyskull: Seriously, Russian dude, it would be better for everyone if you just stayed in the mine.

327
01:18:13,000 --> 01:18:19,000
lousycanuck: "Looks like we narrowly averted... an explosive situation." YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

328
01:18:18,000 --> 01:18:24,000
drskyskull: ...but the explosion doesn't kill him, because he was also wearing his flame-and-explosive-proof vest!

329
01:18:45,000 --> 01:18:51,000
drskyskull: So, is Borgnine German, Russian, or Cuban?

330
01:18:49,000 --> 01:18:55,000
lousycanuck: @drskyskull Why choose? The writers didn't!

331
01:18:53,000 --> 01:18:59,000
drskyskull: @lousycanuck I'm going with Gerrussiancube.

332
01:18:57,000 --> 01:19:03,000
DrRubidium: this movie has the worst collection of fake accents I've ever heard

333
01:19:54,000 --> 01:20:00,000
lousycanuck: Hahahah! They stole the helicopter! Comedy! *crash, explode* Awww.

334
01:20:07,000 --> 01:20:13,000
blakestacey: This movie's attempts at zaniness just leave me going, "Wait, what?"

335
01:20:22,000 --> 01:20:28,000
DrRubidium: taking "villain never dies" to a whole new level

336
01:20:30,000 --> 01:20:36,000
lousycanuck: Holy shit, he WAS wearing an explosion-proof suit. And probably car-crash-proof underwear.

337
01:20:35,000 --> 01:20:41,000
drskyskull: ...but he's still not dead, because he's wearing his getting-rammed-through-a-brick-wall-by-a-jeep-vest!

338
01:20:54,000 --> 01:21:00,000
szvan: Just keep moving. He's one of the slow zombies.

339
01:21:08,000 --> 01:21:14,000
DrRubidium: that movie was AWFUL.

340
01:21:16,000 --> 01:21:22,000
lousycanuck: "But who's the rightful owner?" "You're looking at him, ha ha." *toss toss* *snatch* "Hey, give it back!"

341
01:21:22,000 --> 01:21:28,000
blakestacey: More SMUG than has EVER been in a single freeze-frame before!

342
01:21:27,000 --> 01:21:33,000
drskyskull: "Now let's go to Filthy Vinnie's Pawn Shop and hock this sucker!"

343
01:21:32,000 --> 01:21:38,000
blakestacey: Wait one goddamn minute. I WAS PROMISED LASERS.

344
01:21:38,000 --> 01:21:44,000
drskyskull: This is another one of those films where I assume the crew names are all pseudonyms.

345
01:21:49,000 --> 01:21:55,000
blakestacey: "Like a dream within a dream"? Fun fact: this was the original rejected theme song for INCEPTION.

346
01:21:53,000 --> 01:21:59,000
lousycanuck: @blakestacey Oh, and they had that scene where he had to spin the diamond to see if he was in the dream, right!

347
01:22:03,000 --> 01:22:09,000
drskyskull: So, what have we learned from tonight's adventure?

348
01:22:08,000 --> 01:22:14,000
lousycanuck: Lesson from this movie: he's a mercenary man. Mercenary. Mercenary man. Mercenary ma-a-an.

349
01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:19,000
drskyskull: I learned that it's poor spycraft to be followed around everywhere by 80's theme music.

350
01:22:18,000 --> 01:22:24,000
DrRubidium: what did we learn? Cuba is actually in Africa!

351
01:22:23,000 --> 01:22:29,000
szvan: I learned that almost all 80s soundtracks really are as bad as I remember them being.

352
01:22:28,000 --> 01:22:34,000
lousycanuck: I learned that you can make repeated hamfisted passes at the hot blonde spy and she'll break mission protocol and sleep with you.

353
01:22:33,000 --> 01:22:39,000
lousycanuck: I learned that there are actually 80s movies without cute animals.

354
01:22:37,000 --> 01:22:43,000
szvan: @lousycanuck Lion cubs! Or didn't you see those near the breasts?

355
01:22:41,000 --> 01:22:47,000
lousycanuck: @szvan Right, do you remember the time index for that? Need to rewind to see the... cubs.

356
01:22:50,000 --> 01:22:56,000
blakestacey: @szvan @lousycanuck Wait, there were breasts?

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01:22:56,000 --> 01:23:02,000
drskyskull: @szvan @lousycanuck @blakestacey Yes, but that prude Borgnine refused to remove his shirt.

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01:23:05,000 --> 01:23:11,000
lousycanuck: I learned that dogged determination to kill the hero will get you through three near death experiences, but not four.

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01:23:35,000 --> 01:23:41,000
szvan: No identification with actual countries was intended or should be inferred.

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01:24:00,000 --> 01:24:06,000
drskyskull: @szvan "Any similarity to actual persons, places or events was really, genuinely, accidental."

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01:24:14,000 --> 01:24:20,000
blakestacey: @drskyskull @szvan "We mean, really, if there WERE a resemblance, oh jesus, we'd be so, so sorry."