1
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:34,000
blakestacey: The schlock must flow!

2
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:43,000
blakestacey: This movie is the mind-killer.

3
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:51,000
lousycanuck: Dune Entertainment. If you slay without rhythm, you won't attract the Wyrm.

4
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:53,000
szvan: One of the advantages of no-budget independent films is that they start without all the studio advertising.

5
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:07,000
blakestacey: "Basically, history is kind of a dickweed."

6
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:45,000
lousycanuck: History. History never changes.

7
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:47,000
CA7746: You win this time, dusk.

8
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:06,000
blakestacey: "Pigeon Creek". They were so more dignified in naming podunk towns in the 19th century.

9
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:50,000
blakestacey: This is like if Zack Snyder directed a movie about abolitionism.

10
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:41,000
BenZvan: My fist: It haz a penny.

11
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:43,000
szvan: Because slave traders aren't evil enough, he has to have bad teeth.

12
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:29,000
blakestacey: I can tell already that this movie will have nuanced villains.

13
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:08,000
blakestacey: Well, Longfellow he ain't...

14
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:14,000
BenZvan: Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.

15
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:27,000
lousycanuck: I don't think she's listening any more.

16
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:08,000
blakestacey: "Well, I can tell what kind of girl *you're* interested in."

17
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:22,000
lousycanuck: "You promise me you won't do anything foolish like getting old suddenly and drinking in a bar.

18
00:07:56,000 --> 00:08:02,000
BenZvan: your Henry is in the mail.

19
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:05,000
blakestacey: "We've checked high and low. And FourSquare."

20
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:22,000
blakestacey: "There are two kinds of men, Mr. Lincoln. Those who can pull the trigger, and those who expect binary jokes."

21
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:44,000
blakestacey: Boobies!

22
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:44,000
lousycanuck: Necroboobs! Hooray!

23
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:54,000
BenZvan: Gotta give them props for the earliest use of bullet time ever.

24
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:07,000
szvan: Oh, no. The ball didn't kill him. He caught it with his eye.

25
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:44,000
blakestacey: jump_scares++;

26
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:04,000
szvan: Splinters. Ouch.

27
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:13,000
BenZvan: Gotta give them props for the most excessive use of...whatever that was.

28
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:19,000
lousycanuck: As it turns out, vampires are especially vulnerable to wood. Especially if launched into it at a sheer angle and high velocity.

29
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:39,000
BenZvan: Leelu multipass!

30
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:21,000
blakestacey: "Don't say the ved-word!"

31
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:21,000
lousycanuck: For some reason I wish this Henry guy was played by Benedict Cumberbatch.

32
00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:03,000
BenZvan: Well...my myths do that...sometimes.

33
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:07,000
blakestacey: "You will have no friends, no family, some Slayer powers."

34
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lousycanuck: You will have no friends. No family. Eight seasons and a few resurrections.

35
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:17,000
szvan: "I told him what he wanted to hear." Oh, "honest" Abe.

36
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:27,000
BenZvan: Seven-barreled rifle? That's from Genesis too, right?

37
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:51,000
blakestacey: Commence training montage in 3, 2, ...

38
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:13,000
lousycanuck: "What do you hate?" "I HATE THIS CHERRY TREEEEEE"

39
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:04,000
blakestacey: He's gained the power to cut through CG! :-O

40
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:08,000
szvan: "Real power comes not from hate but from a computer in the back room at the studio."

41
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:15,000
CA7746: Truth, eh? This shouldn't be physically possible. *Thwack*

42
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:26,000
BenZvan: "The hate is swelling in you now. Take your axe. Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it. Give in to your anger"

43
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:32,000
lousycanuck: This is a comic book. THIS IS A COMIC BOOK. I'm... okay with this.

44
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:38,000
blakestacey: "Ah, just kidding. I like beating up on people in the dark."

45
00:17:56,000 --> 00:18:02,000
szvan: He's going to need more impressive pants before he joins the circus.

46
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:05,000
BenZvan: It's been a while since I've seen a good axe-Kata movie.

47
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:21,000
lousycanuck: YES! A MONTAGE!

48
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:50,000
szvan: Oh! So vampires are...werewolves?

49
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:57,000
blakestacey: "You shall not crucify vampires on this axe of silver!"

50
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:05,000
BenZvan: Now I must make a custom silver and steel damascus axe.

51
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:12,000
BenZvan: ...also with Kryptonite.

52
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:25,000
lousycanuck: So good of this guy to sit still for each frame of that daguerreotype for so long.

53
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:45,000
CA7746: Left-handed slaves.

54
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:24,000
lousycanuck: No distractions, no friends or family... not even running for public office.

55
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:56,000
BenZvan: "Lincoln...Abraham Lincoln."

56
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:42,000
szvan: Casting? We need a low-rent Christian Slater lookalike.

57
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:05,000
blakestacey: "Life in Springfield is less than desirous. That wicked Mr. Burns..."

58
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:18,000
blakestacey: So, all you have to do to get a love interest is to tempt fate? I gotta try me that.

59
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:29,000
lousycanuck: "Excuse me? Excuse me, main character, I'm the scheduled love inteest.

60
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:34,000
blakestacey: Watch out! He's a Doll!

61
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:54,000
lousycanuck: CURSE YOU SUDDEN AND INEVITABLE ALAN TUDYK

62
00:22:56,000 --> 00:23:02,000
BenZvan: And the likely best part of the movie just walked into the store.

63
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:07,000
CA7746: Say, hasn't Alan Tudyk been staked already?

64
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:08,000
lousycanuck: "It's a trick. Get an axe."

65
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:23,000
blakestacey: AAAAGH THE CG ZOOM MY EYES

66
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:37,000
BenZvan: "Use the force Abe!"

67
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:46,000
blakestacey: He's wandered into an amateur production of TITUS ANDRONICUS, the poor fool.

68
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:59,000
BenZvan: This razor is much to dull...let me drag it across this sink for a minute or two.

69
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:26,000
szvan: Wait...is this...chocolate syrup?

70
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blakestacey: "I had killed a monster. And I would kill again. Kill! Kill! Kill!"

71
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:51,000
lousycanuck: No amount of death would make me forget... that I accidentally got some vampire motor oil in my mouth.

72
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:07,000
CA7746: Fight Club

73
00:27:54,000 --> 00:28:00,000
blakestacey: Screenwriter-bot: Romantic banter subroutine engage!

74
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:55,000
CA7746: Oops. Not a rice-counting vampire.

75
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:55,000
lousycanuck: "I made a deposit at the local bank, hoping the interest rate on teleporting vampires is decent."

76
00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:16,000
BenZvan: Sharpest shelf this side of the Pecos.

77
00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:30,000
blakestacey: Oooh goody! Death montage!

78
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:41,000
blakestacey: "These vampires, are they the Sapphic kind, made famous by Le Fanu's CARMILLA, per chance?"

79
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:50,000
lousycanuck: "Six?" "No, seven. With one blow. it's a gift."

80
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:35,000
blakestacey: Wow, the hat's structural!

81
00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:39,000
BenZvan: Ms Todd, you are a woman of absolutely no mass.

82
00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:53,000
blakestacey: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a callback!

83
00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:40,000
lousycanuck: Hey, it's that house from Resistance. You know the one.

84
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:44,000
BenZvan: Those trees have "made in Louisiana" written all over them.

85
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:10,000
BenZvan: Will? Will Scarlet?

86
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:10,000
lousycanuck: Ladies and gentlemen, we have sidekick.

87
00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:49,000
lousycanuck: Oh no wait. He's a vampire.

88
00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:30,000
blakestacey: Well, good marks on your fighting skills, but your pre-smackdown one-liners need work.

89
00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:49,000
BenZvan: God makes a lot of common-looking people...or maybe you don't understand averages.

90
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:12,000
lousycanuck: Whoa, Abe's getting all dark for someone who doesn't actually know there's a world-ending threat at hand.

91
00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:41,000
szvan: Why the historical inaccuracies are so much harder to deal with for Mary Todd, I don't know, but they are.

92
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blakestacey: [gonna pause the movie to let others catch up. and to drink.]

93
00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:55,000
blakestacey: So this is where CG horses are raised. Learn something every day!

94
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:26,000
lousycanuck: NO! MUFASA!

95
00:40:27,000 --> 00:40:33,000
blakestacey: You know what would make this scene better? If all the horses were...VAMPIRE HORSES.

96
00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:52,000
blakestacey: EQUINE CHUCKIN, coming soon to the Discovery Channel!

97
00:40:57,000 --> 00:41:03,000
lousycanuck: Thank goodness for all this dust and sun to make it look so realistic.

98
00:41:16,000 --> 00:41:22,000
blakestacey: How's Lincoln so good at this if he's never had video games to practice on?

99
00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:23,000
lousycanuck: On the freeway leaping from car to car... horse to horse...

100
00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:39,000
BenZvan: Epic...I do not think that word means what you think it means.

101
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:56,000
CA7746: Horse-tossing vampire, sure. But a cliff in Indiana...!?

102
00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:25,000
BenZvan: Okay...so now I need to add a shotgun to my silver/steel damascus axe.

103
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:30,000
lousycanuck: The axehandle rifle. Standard issue.

104
00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:44,000
blakestacey: And the surprise revelation we were all expecting in 3...2...

105
00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:21,000
lousycanuck: If you didn't guess Henry's a vampire based on the sunglasses, you don't know vampire movies.

106
00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:21,000
blakestacey: "Are you drinking that man's blood?" "I'm not not drinking his blood."

107
00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:55,000
CA7746: Worst hunter ever. That tavern had a mirror, man!

108
00:43:57,000 --> 00:44:03,000
CA7746: So that's where Easter grass comes from.

109
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lousycanuck: I liked this guy better when he was in Soul Reaver: Legacy of Kain.

110
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:47,000
blakestacey: Next time, get a girlfriend who knows how to use a projectile weapon! Sheesh.

111
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blakestacey: "One of God's little tricks. Vampires cannot kill their own kind." "Did God say anything about...kneecaps?" #bettermovielines

112
00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:05,000
lousycanuck: OH NO I LOVED YOU SO MUCH. Well you're already dead... might as well have a little sip.

113
00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:57,000
blakestacey: Vampires can't kill their own kind. That's like one of those don't-feed-gremlin-after-midnight rules.

114
00:48:22,000 --> 00:48:28,000
CA7746: I'm a fireman. Lumberjack. Jack Nicholson...

115
00:48:22,000 --> 00:48:28,000
lousycanuck: If you really must know, it's anything but my axe.

116
00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:38,000
blakestacey: E.g., can one vampire set a building on fire which happens to kill another, or does the second then become temporarily fireproof?

117
00:48:41,000 --> 00:48:47,000
BenZvan: "Will you Marry Todd me?"

118
00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:56,000
lousycanuck: Is... is that a yes?

119
00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:23,000
lousycanuck: "...honest with her in all things..." Oh, ain't that some foreshadowing.

120
00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:44,000
blakestacey: "They don't even know who I am. It's not like I put 'killin vampires' on my Facebook status. BTW, I invented Facebook."

121
00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:44,000
szvan: They don't even know who I am. It's not like I carried out a notorious revenge killing or anything.

122
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:43,000
szvan: You and me, Abraham. Together we can get you exactly where the boss wants you.

123
00:52:38,000 --> 00:52:44,000
blakestacey: Sidekick imperilled in 3...2...

124
00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:59,000
lousycanuck: Speed knows exactly how much about vampire-killin'?

125
00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:58,000
lousycanuck: "Look at all those white folks and black folks dancing together. Something isn't right about this." "Vampires?" "Miscegenation."

126
00:54:28,000 --> 00:54:34,000
blakestacey: Wow, they ripped off a sight gag from WILD WILD WEST, of all movies. Somehow apropos....

127
00:54:31,000 --> 00:54:37,000
lousycanuck: Three point landings for the win!

128
00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:55,000
szvan: First, we let you cull the vampires that can't fight. We didn't want to keep them anyway.

129
00:55:24,000 --> 00:55:30,000
blakestacey: Hey, who turned on the anachronistic music?

130
00:55:57,000 --> 00:56:03,000
lousycanuck: A chair!? MY ONE WEAKNESS!!!

131
00:56:35,000 --> 00:56:41,000
blakestacey: I guess saying "Jews didn't build the pyramids" is kind of beside the point here...

132
00:57:13,000 --> 00:57:19,000
blakestacey: "Sorry, what were you saying? I was distracted by dominatrix-vamp sitting on my face."

133
00:57:40,000 --> 00:57:46,000
lousycanuck: Oh shit, this guy's Vandal Savage.

134
00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:11,000
blakestacey: Louisiana? From the birds, I think they're in the same swamp where Charles Foster Kane built Xanadu.

135
00:59:20,000 --> 00:59:26,000
szvan: Aaaaaand we never taught Will how to fight because...?

136
00:59:25,000 --> 00:59:31,000
lousycanuck: @szvan Will can already do backflip kicks. Just give him some silver.

137
01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:42,000
blakestacey: "Gonna be all colors of blood spilled. Red, green if you're a Vulcan..."

138
01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:42,000
lousycanuck: Gon' be all colored's spillin blood. I mean all colors of blood spilled. How many colors is that? Oh, just one?

139
01:00:59,000 --> 01:01:05,000
blakestacey: Ah, he's just saying that because Rossum wants him to.

140
01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:28,000
lousycanuck: "I would fight not with an axe but with words. And ideals. And an axe."

141
01:02:39,000 --> 01:02:45,000
blakestacey: And the next hour is about the passage of the 13th Amendment. SIKE!

142
01:02:47,000 --> 01:02:53,000
szvan: It was time to become a man and learn how not to shave.

143
01:03:04,000 --> 01:03:10,000
lousycanuck: By the sheer force of the manliness of his resolve to free the slaves, Abe Lincoln's beard grew three sizes that day.

144
01:04:48,000 --> 01:04:54,000
CA7746: The freedom, of Willy.

145
01:04:54,000 --> 01:05:00,000
lousycanuck: Why do something about this guy that's waging war on your breeding stock? It's not like they could find the President or anything.

146
01:05:08,000 --> 01:05:14,000
szvan: Because freeing the slaves wasn't noble enough. Or sexy. Or something.

147
01:05:10,000 --> 01:05:16,000
blakestacey: Man, the vampires have certainly taken their sweet time doing something about him.

148
01:05:29,000 --> 01:05:35,000
lousycanuck: "Are you a bad enough President to rescue the dudes from evil vampires?"

149
01:06:00,000 --> 01:06:06,000
blakestacey: Quick, feed the boy garlic!

150
01:06:25,000 --> 01:06:31,000
lousycanuck: Did Willy just get tuberculosis of the wrist?

151
01:06:58,000 --> 01:07:04,000
lousycanuck: Oh, sorry, Typhoid Fever. Which, I understand, is LIKE vampirism. Or something.

152
01:09:50,000 --> 01:09:56,000
blakestacey: "He would be something else! Something terrible! Like this guy."

153
01:10:36,000 --> 01:10:42,000
CA7746: That cameraman took out a whole regiment!

154
01:11:37,000 --> 01:11:43,000
lousycanuck: Ulysses S. Dracula gets his orders.

155
01:11:54,000 --> 01:12:00,000
blakestacey: "The war spread on, into the Game of Thrones intro..."

156
01:12:12,000 --> 01:12:18,000
lousycanuck: Dammit. I meant Robert E. Lee Dracula. Mulligan?

157
01:12:17,000 --> 01:12:23,000
szvan: So this is the point in a cartoonish action-adventure movie where you halt the action in favor of politics?

158
01:13:22,000 --> 01:13:28,000
szvan: You know, after fighting this war for two years, I think it might just be time to use weapons that work.

159
01:14:14,000 --> 01:14:20,000
lousycanuck: "Our bayonets are as useless as this fork. This... silver... fork. ARM THE TROOPS WITH FORKS!"

160
01:15:14,000 --> 01:15:20,000
blakestacey: "And, since I've done the right thing...can you do that trick with the chair for me?"

161
01:15:56,000 --> 01:16:02,000
szvan: "I'm sorry, Mary." "Me too, Abe. I'd have told you to use silver two years ago."

162
01:16:07,000 --> 01:16:13,000
blakestacey: "I'm sorry I've kept you in the dark. In the dark about vampires. No pun intended."

163
01:16:27,000 --> 01:16:33,000
lousycanuck: "I've waited a long time for you to say those words. Except I already knew because you told me way back at the beginning."

164
01:17:37,000 --> 01:17:43,000
blakestacey: So the implication of this movie is that the Civil War could've been avoided if Abe had sent vampire-killing commandos to the bayou?

165
01:17:52,000 --> 01:17:58,000
lousycanuck: Welp. Fifty years older. Let's see if I still have my axe-spnning skillz. ...Nope.

166
01:19:01,000 --> 01:19:07,000
lousycanuck: Tea partiers must have fucking hated this film because they'd have to root for the undead.

167
01:21:11,000 --> 01:21:17,000
lousycanuck: "You don't know what you're talking about. Speed couldn't possibly betray me. He's my sidekick! No... wait... that's Will. SHIT."

168
01:21:18,000 --> 01:21:24,000
szvan: All right, motherfuckers. This time, they gave me silver.

169
01:23:06,000 --> 01:23:12,000
blakestacey: I'm betting at least 75% of this whole setpiece will be in slowmo

170
01:23:57,000 --> 01:24:03,000
lousycanuck: Hah, still got you, sucker. The gun's made of silver too. *poke*

171
01:24:15,000 --> 01:24:21,000
szvan: I suppose,given all the crates, that having their weakness be wood would get very boring very quickly.

172
01:24:46,000 --> 01:24:52,000
blakestacey: Having a second axe would simplify things here, wouldn't it?

173
01:27:48,000 --> 01:27:54,000
lousycanuck: Excellent! We've stolen the shipment of rocks, to which we vampires are even WEAKER than silver! All according to plan!!!

174
01:29:07,000 --> 01:29:13,000
lousycanuck: FLY YOU FOOLS!

175
01:29:18,000 --> 01:29:24,000
szvan: What? He's practiced on horses! He can totes do trains!

176
01:29:54,000 --> 01:30:00,000
blakestacey: "When I am an evil vampire overlord, I will *not* confront the hero on a burning bridge. An office will do nicely."

177
01:30:12,000 --> 01:30:18,000
lousycanuck: Lincoln wins. Fatality.

178
01:30:43,000 --> 01:30:49,000
szvan: I think I can. I think I can. I think....

179
01:31:56,000 --> 01:32:02,000
lousycanuck: By sheer force of his epicness, Abe changes the laws of physics for just this one purpose.

180
01:32:14,000 --> 01:32:20,000
blakestacey: Tumbleweed in 3...2...

181
01:32:26,000 --> 01:32:32,000
blakestacey: "So, Mary Todd Anderson..."

182
01:33:21,000 --> 01:33:27,000
blakestacey: "Men, don't shoot until you see the sparkle in their eyes!"

183
01:33:59,000 --> 01:34:05,000
lousycanuck: "...And dedicated to the proposition of purging this great nation of the supernatural."

184
01:34:58,000 --> 01:35:04,000
lousycanuck: "These men shall not have died in vain. But let's maybe behead them to make sure they're all really dead, okay?"

185
01:35:38,000 --> 01:35:44,000
blakestacey: "Our enemies have made their exodus. To Germany, Austria, Japan...nowhere we'll ever have to worry about."

186
01:36:26,000 --> 01:36:32,000
lousycanuck: Mary? Have you seen my bulletproof hat?

187
01:37:40,000 --> 01:37:46,000
lousycanuck: Was that supposed to be Obama? WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE OBAMA!? SERIOUSLY!?!

188
01:38:28,000 --> 01:38:34,000
blakestacey: Abe is dead, but Harry will return in THUNDERBALL!

189
01:39:11,000 --> 01:39:17,000
szvan: "Oh, ha ha! It's *clever*!" @pixelsnake pointing at the end credit scene.

190
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blakestacey: [looks at empty 750-mL lambic bottle] Oh! THAT's why that movie got fun towards the end.

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blakestacey: *burp*

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lousycanuck: @blakestacey "You go to war with the undead problem you have, not the undead problem you might want."

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CA7746: Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events or firms is purely coincidental.

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lousycanuck: Lessons: you can't slay vampires without a heavy AC/DC-alike rock anthem even if you're doing a period piece.

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lousycanuck: @blakestacey Wait. This TOTALLY explains the Tea Partiers. Okay then! Meta FTW!