1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:07,000 ##### 2 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:57,000 CA7746: Anything. Even hugs. 3 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:33,000 CA7746: Helmeted guy in front is hypnotized. 4 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:42,000 lousycanuck: Which one is Xerxes again? I can't tell without all the piercings. 5 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:13,000 CA7746: Footwear, not a priority. 6 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:44,000 lousycanuck: "As time passed, the wise men learned how to defend themselves against the beast. They found his weak point. His heart. Who knew?" 7 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:15,000 CA7746: Buried below an inch of sand, forever... 8 00:05:54,000 --> 00:06:00,000 lousycanuck: "And nobody better walk off with that Chappa'ai. It's valuable." 9 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:18,000 BenZvan: Rawr! 10 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:21,000 szvan: Wait. We're watching Godzilla? 11 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:35,000 lousycanuck: Wow, impaling himself on that obelisk totally bent it like almost thirty degrees. 12 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:46,000 CA7746: Papyrus font for title, check. 13 00:07:56,000 --> 00:08:02,000 szvan: Smoke. Just like sand, right? 14 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:24,000 szvan: Those are a lot of footprints. What take is this? 15 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:39,000 BenZvan: You didn't tell me we were watching Ishtar! You bastard! 16 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:09,000 agolas: "I'm ready for my closeup!" 17 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:11,000 szvan: "Pharaoh's legions await my orders!.Bring me donuts!" 18 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:16,000 BenZvan: "The day of all days! Pharaoh's legions await my ord...Mmm...donuts...." 19 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:21,000 BenZvan: There may be a reason @szvan and I are married to each...mmm...donuts... 20 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:30,000 CA7746: Kodos! 21 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:37,000 BenZvan: You gotta like a movie that's self-mocking. 22 00:11:56,000 --> 00:12:02,000 lousycanuck: Sand doesn't move around at all. So it's *always* been an inch deep. 23 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:17,000 szvan: DeMille: "I don't truck with fantasy." Umm, dude! 24 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:39,000 lousycanuck: Do kids often say "that said"? I really wouldn't know. 25 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:45,000 BenZvan: @lousycanuck No, they don't...that said, I wouldn't know either. 26 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:05,000 BenZvan: You think we should put a danger sign on this open manhole? Nah, why draw attention to it? 27 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:10,000 lousycanuck: "Only fools venture to this desolate place. Fools and actors. And little boys." 28 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:15,000 szvan: Only fools venture to this desolate place...and the tortoises can feed the monster, for all I care. 29 00:15:54,000 --> 00:16:00,000 lousycanuck: And we have our hero. 30 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:19,000 BenZvan: Steve Wozniak stars in this movie? Sweet! Segway running from Anubis in the sand! 31 00:16:55,000 --> 00:17:01,000 lousycanuck: "But the things I find in the sand turn out to be dangerous." "Land mines?" "No, ancient evil mostly." 32 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:19,000 BenZvan: Aaannd...ass in your face. Uh...tv screen. 33 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:57,000 lousycanuck: Wow, Jayne is cheating on Inara. 34 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:14,000 szvan: Sleeping with his student. Can we feed him to the monster first? 35 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:40,000 BenZvan: Aaannd...ass in the sand... 36 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:44,000 BenZvan: Uh...G.I. Joe what now? 37 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:50,000 szvan: I don't always look at metrosexual dudes, but when I do, I think, "G. I. Joe!" 38 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:05,000 lousycanuck: "You haven't found any of the good stuff yet!" "Oh yes I have, here's G I Joe." 39 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:33,000 BenZvan: The Woz has really gone downhill in his acting abilities. 40 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:35,000 BenZvan: My metal detector has gone off in the desert! There must be a movie set here! 41 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:07,000 agolas: "Eighty years! Not quite a thousand, but close enough!" 42 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:31,000 BenZvan: If The Woz had really buried a time capsule, he'd have let someone else dig it up. 43 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:08,000 CA7746: Hey, it's Donnie Darko's rabbit friend! 44 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:22,000 BenZvan: Rawr! 45 00:25:55,000 --> 00:26:01,000 CA7746: Whoever possessed the Amulet of Ra was protected... or not. 46 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:04,000 lousycanuck: He's old, yes, but arms don't generally break off like they're made of paper mache. Just saying. 47 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:10,000 szvan: Oooh, the monster has cauterizing teeth. 48 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:56,000 lousycanuck: Chest compressions on someone with an unclosed wound is a bad idea generally. 49 00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:04,000 agolas: 160 years in the future... 50 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:57,000 lousycanuck: "Well what DO you know, Sergeant Flattop?" 51 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:59,000 szvan: I don't think he actually wears that hat. 52 00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:22,000 BenZvan: Keep your missing arms off of my blue suede shoes. Uh huh. 53 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:43,000 lousycanuck: "Seal of protection that keeps away evil spirits." "Doesn't seem to work too well." Yeah no kidding. This movie is self aware. 54 00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:52,000 lousycanuck: Look, I know you're grieving, but do you want a job? 55 00:30:56,000 --> 00:31:02,000 BenZvan: We're going to move this set in 2 weeks. Place the snipers there...and there. 56 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:12,000 szvan: What a coincidence? The cute dude has qualifications that will keep him near the cute chick. Who'd a thunk? 57 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:37,000 agolas: "I'm gonna find out what happened to my grandfather. Mean, I guess I could just look in that hole, but..." 58 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:59,000 lousycanuck: "I read the papers. I watch CNN. I know things about things." "Which papers?" "All of them. I read them all. Yeah." 59 00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:07,000 BenZvan: Flashback! Guy running through the desert yelling "Dr Carter!" 60 00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:15,000 BenZvan: Now that Dr. Carter has arrived, when do you suppose O'Neil will show up? 61 00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:23,000 szvan: Someone should tell the special effects team that you're not supposed to see where the matte starts. 62 00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:20,000 lousycanuck: "This vase looks like the real thing." "Hey let's play catch with it!" 63 00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:27,000 szvan: The heavy machinery operator started with the look of a man who knows his shirt is red. 64 00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:46,000 BenZvan: Basic entomology people! Scorpions don't sting that way! 65 00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:16,000 szvan: "Oh, my God! Those special effects are terrible!" 66 00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:34,000 BenZvan: Okay...his head is going to get cut off, but I don't want you to scream about it until the tractor backs up to show it for no reason 67 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:55,000 lousycanuck: Dude gets beheaded, everyone's first reaction is "someone call an ambulance"? Yeah. Maybe CPR. Mouth to esophagus. 68 00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:41,000 lousycanuck: "Look I know this sounds crazy, but my spider-sense was acting up. I know, they're not spiders, but scorpions are pretty close." 69 00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:37,000 lousycanuck: From the outtakes: "I hate this." "Hate what?" "This movie, mostly." 70 00:37:56,000 --> 00:38:02,000 szvan: "I've got this weird feeling about what happened, and I haven't been able to shake it in the hour since he died." 71 00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:19,000 BenZvan: The unzip of doom! 72 00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:44,000 lousycanuck: "Hello little shard of plaster." "Hello." "AAAAH" 73 00:38:57,000 --> 00:39:03,000 BenZvan: Consistent with the completely nonexistent Holywood set construction standards of the early 19...20s. 74 00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:25,000 szvan: If she won't push any harder than that to save herself, she deserves to die. 75 00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:35,000 BenZvan: commercial: It has multicell-tubes!!! 76 00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:40,000 agolas: Be honest, who else was expecting him to suck her shadow dry and toss her aside? *cough*themummy*cough* 77 00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:27,000 szvan: We don't have many students with speaking lines left. I predict a chase scene coming up soon. 78 00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:13,000 lousycanuck: "I'm better than you at your field, and your wife digs me. Eat it, Jayne." 79 00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:34,000 BenZvan: Rosebud!!!! *spoilers* 80 00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:16,000 BenZvan: Rawr! 81 00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:28,000 szvan: Not a chase scene then, just a suddenly indecisive monster. 82 00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:16,000 lousycanuck: "A face like a wolf or a dog... or Anubis... because we know things about ancient Egypt if we're students in this class, right?" 83 00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:24,000 BenZvan: Doberman...jackal...whatevz. 84 00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:25,000 agolas: So are there a lot of historians who double-specialize in ancient Egypt and early 20th century American film? 85 00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:37,000 szvan: "It's arranged like a code. Because those are arranged differently than any other kind of communication." 86 00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:42,000 BenZvan: "It's like a puzzle...There's no logic." "No, there's logic, it's arranged like a code." 87 00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:52,000 lousycanuck: "It reads like a spell. An incantation. Let me read it... snake head, snake middle part, snake middle part." 88 00:46:51,000 --> 00:46:57,000 lousycanuck: "Well there's no literal translation. 'Or drown in the sands of oblivion.' Wait, I guess maybe that IS literal." 89 00:46:57,000 --> 00:47:03,000 BenZvan: Okay...I gotta give them props for self-awareness. Good point. 90 00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:09,000 szvan: "You sound like a bunch of UFO chasers", says the guys whose grandpa's arm just sort of disappeared. 91 00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:58,000 BenZvan: "what are you doing?!" "I'm sitting down...I'm kind of tired." 92 00:48:14,000 --> 00:48:20,000 szvan: And Jesse suddenly stops to hear everything he's just said and gets scared. Very bright, for a scientist. 93 00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:46,000 lousycanuck: Ooooh. "Cartouche." Look at you, all archaeologist-like. 94 00:49:03,000 --> 00:49:09,000 CA7746: Seth, the boner killer. 95 00:49:14,000 --> 00:49:20,000 CA7746: So... Yahweh's the boner killer. 96 00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:26,000 lousycanuck: "Im na Ra" is the "right hand of Seth"? Not "Ra?" Of course, his translation may be off, he just said... 97 00:50:27,000 --> 00:50:33,000 agolas: Meanwhile, on Isla Sorna... 98 00:51:59,000 --> 00:52:05,000 lousycanuck: OM NOM NOM. Fucking megapythons. 99 00:53:10,000 --> 00:53:16,000 szvan: I don't remember "hauling people up into trees" from the plagues of Egypt. 100 00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:25,000 szvan: Someone needs to explain to these writers that you can only hang so many lanterns on one script. 101 00:54:54,000 --> 00:55:00,000 BenZvan: There was more to Egypt than mummies and pyramids. There was the occult too. 102 00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:10,000 szvan: Sooo...she's read these archives before, but she was surprised by the artifacts in the buried city. Huh. 103 00:55:20,000 --> 00:55:26,000 lousycanuck: "There's more to ancient egypt than mummies -- there's also evil sand demons." 104 00:56:12,000 --> 00:56:18,000 lousycanuck: "I know who he is. I rifled through is wallet while he was unconscious." 105 00:56:28,000 --> 00:56:34,000 BenZvan: "It's a movie...or is it?" 106 00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:57,000 szvan: "Freemasons!" Duh, duh, DUH! 107 00:58:54,000 --> 00:59:00,000 lousycanuck: "Now what I'm about to tell you has been disavowed by the Egyptian government and our own. Freemasons, along with the Illuminati..." 108 01:00:06,000 --> 01:00:12,000 szvan: Our video keeps freezing and I keep thinking I'm missing important plot developments. Silly me. 109 01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:18,000 lousycanuck: How long til we get Bigfoot and MK-ULTRA in here? 110 01:00:57,000 --> 01:01:03,000 BenZvan: The bare midriff means she's evil. 111 01:01:16,000 --> 01:01:22,000 szvan: So the monster likes foreplay. Huh. 112 01:01:30,000 --> 01:01:36,000 BenZvan: I didn't know Ted Danson had a cameo in this movie! 113 01:01:37,000 --> 01:01:43,000 lousycanuck: So what was the purpose exactly of Anubis turning into a hot lady? 114 01:02:28,000 --> 01:02:34,000 lousycanuck: "Anything spring up? Other than the obvious?" 115 01:02:48,000 --> 01:02:54,000 BenZvan: I had to take a shower because I really don't going out in the desert because that's my job and stuff. 116 01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:21,000 lousycanuck: "Hey, do you mind turning around and ogling me in the mirror instead of straight-on?" 117 01:03:33,000 --> 01:03:39,000 BenZvan: I find that vests with hoods are the most practical thing ever. They're also cute. 118 01:04:49,000 --> 01:04:55,000 lousycanuck: CURSE YOU SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL!!! 119 01:05:35,000 --> 01:05:41,000 lousycanuck: "He hasn't been in your brain. Or your mind. Or your brain." 120 01:05:45,000 --> 01:05:51,000 lousycanuck: "Remember how I told you I don't believe in God? Well this is real. Unlike God. Yeah. I went there." 121 01:06:02,000 --> 01:06:08,000 BenZvan: Just explaining the utility of the amulet probably would have been quicker than threatening, then explaining the amulet thing. 122 01:06:24,000 --> 01:06:30,000 lousycanuck: "Aah, a box full of pieces of paper! My one weakness!" 123 01:06:44,000 --> 01:06:50,000 szvan: Anyone want to explain to the writers why locusts are really a problem? Hint #1: It is what they eat. Hint #2: They don't eat flesh. 124 01:06:48,000 --> 01:06:54,000 BenZvan: "For housekeeping. Sorry about the locusts." 125 01:07:48,000 --> 01:07:54,000 szvan: "It wasn't Jesse." Actually, it's not particularly out of character for the asshole we've seen. 126 01:08:33,000 --> 01:08:39,000 lousycanuck: Yeah, that plague of locusts had to fly all the way from Egypt. That's why it's having trouble keeping up with the truck. 127 01:08:46,000 --> 01:08:52,000 BenZvan: "Weapon up jarhead." 128 01:09:12,000 --> 01:09:18,000 lousycanuck: "Apologies to any marines I may have offended." Speaking directly to the audience. 129 01:09:57,000 --> 01:10:03,000 szvan: Oh, *now* they tell us we need 10 or 15 beers. 130 01:11:10,000 --> 01:11:16,000 lousycanuck: Yeah, if there's a rapture, this guy and his white phosphorus will totally fend off all those angels. 131 01:11:41,000 --> 01:11:47,000 BenZvan: A buttload of white phosphorus is a surprisingly small amount in real life. 132 01:12:20,000 --> 01:12:26,000 lousycanuck: I was expecting a rising swell of patriotic music there. So disappointing. 133 01:12:30,000 --> 01:12:36,000 BenZvan: Tempus Fugit so Carpe Diem. 134 01:13:11,000 --> 01:13:17,000 CA7746: Plot gremlins. 135 01:13:16,000 --> 01:13:22,000 BenZvan: "Are you telling me someone has breached my perimeter?" Uh...okay...I'm not going there. 136 01:13:49,000 --> 01:13:55,000 lousycanuck: Jesse was smart enough to sabotage the truck but none of the other vehicles. 137 01:14:14,000 --> 01:14:20,000 szvan: Apparently being possessed by an ancient monster makes you a little...well...stupid. 138 01:15:45,000 --> 01:15:51,000 szvan: Yep, still seeing less than zero personality change. 139 01:16:36,000 --> 01:16:42,000 BenZvan: Those are the second worst CGI cobras ever. 140 01:17:00,000 --> 01:17:06,000 BenZvan: And...that's the worst CGI cobra ever. 141 01:17:19,000 --> 01:17:25,000 lousycanuck: It's so good that Syfy gets to reuse their old CG models. 142 01:17:54,000 --> 01:18:00,000 BenZvan: I guess the best way to fight a god really is with a rapture nut. 143 01:18:06,000 --> 01:18:12,000 lousycanuck: Nice of them to color-code the dune buggies so we don't get confused during the big chase scene. 144 01:18:25,000 --> 01:18:31,000 BenZvan: "oh I wish I was in the land of Dixie!" 145 01:18:41,000 --> 01:18:47,000 szvan: What's the cure for testosterone poisoning? I'm going to need some before this is over. 146 01:19:26,000 --> 01:19:32,000 BenZvan: Our heroine is wearing a quantum necklace. 147 01:19:52,000 --> 01:19:58,000 szvan: And the cure for stupid. 148 01:20:50,000 --> 01:20:56,000 lousycanuck: They didn't even have it in their budget to have a real car accident. Wow. 149 01:21:14,000 --> 01:21:20,000 agolas: Ha! No effort to hide the tracks of the camera truck! 150 01:21:15,000 --> 01:21:21,000 BenZvan: Aaaaaaahhhh! Zoom pan!!!!! 151 01:21:41,000 --> 01:21:47,000 lousycanuck: Filmed in SHUDDER CAM! 152 01:22:27,000 --> 01:22:33,000 BenZvan: I never could get the hang of keeping my passenger from knocking my manual transmission out of gear. 153 01:22:33,000 --> 01:22:39,000 lousycanuck: Punch. Punch. Shake boil goo off hands. Punch. 154 01:22:41,000 --> 01:22:47,000 szvan: I'm going to have to watch the sledgehammer fight from Streets of Fire after this, just to remove the taste. 155 01:23:32,000 --> 01:23:38,000 BenZvan: Well...that looked...scratchy. 156 01:23:37,000 --> 01:23:43,000 lousycanuck: I guess they should have walked without rhythm, so as not to attract the angry god. 157 01:24:16,000 --> 01:24:22,000 szvan: *That's* how you soothe the grieving. "That was just a walking meat puppet." 158 01:24:51,000 --> 01:24:57,000 BenZvan: That was a pretty crappy parking job. 159 01:25:09,000 --> 01:25:15,000 szvan: "Nigel, what are you doing here?" "I don't think the death count is high enough yet." 160 01:25:21,000 --> 01:25:27,000 lousycanuck: "You have the amulet right?" "Yeah, right here. Hmm. It was here a second ago." "Oh silly me, it's back on my neck again." 161 01:26:23,000 --> 01:26:29,000 CA7746: Jar Jar has not aged well. 162 01:26:45,000 --> 01:26:51,000 BenZvan: Rawr! Heh heh heh. 163 01:26:46,000 --> 01:26:52,000 szvan: "Oh, I don't believe this." Suddenly my favoritest character ever. 164 01:26:50,000 --> 01:26:56,000 lousycanuck: "Don't worry, I'm an expert at fighting with cardboard cutouts." 165 01:27:29,000 --> 01:27:35,000 lousycanuck: For anyone keeping track, rebar is not one of Anubis' weaknesses. 166 01:27:54,000 --> 01:28:00,000 BenZvan: That throw was a thankfully missed opportunity for a Wilhelm scream. 167 01:28:17,000 --> 01:28:23,000 szvan: Wait. That's not Anubis. Which Egyptian god has the head of a rotting camel? 168 01:28:22,000 --> 01:28:28,000 agolas: "I'm sick of you, you bastard!" Me, to this movie 169 01:28:36,000 --> 01:28:42,000 lousycanuck: Yeah, the shotgun won't KILL him, but making him pause to reassemble himself isn't totally useless. 170 01:29:35,000 --> 01:29:41,000 lousycanuck: Okay, no, no, you don't hit the enemy with the mortar launcher. You hit them with the mortar. 171 01:30:37,000 --> 01:30:43,000 lousycanuck: "Hope you've got some sunscreen?" Really? What the hell kinda one-liner is that? Why not, like, "your ass is glass?" 172 01:30:56,000 --> 01:31:02,000 BenZvan: For the record, it's usually Willy Pete, not Willy Peter. 173 01:31:46,000 --> 01:31:52,000 lousycanuck: "Hey Alice, there's one more thing --" "SEX YES PLEASE" "Okay." 174 01:32:01,000 --> 01:32:07,000 BenZvan: There's one more thing we can squeeze in...rawr! 175 01:32:06,000 --> 01:32:12,000 szvan: The grief process is long and involved and...fuck it. Let's fuck. 176 01:32:11,000 --> 01:32:17,000 CA7746: He tampered in Alice's domain. 177 01:32:18,000 --> 01:32:24,000 lousycanuck: Well. They tampered in Egyptian God of Evil's domain. 178 01:33:57,000 --> 01:34:03,000 lousycanuck: Your lessons? Have a supply of white phosphorus on hand for any stray Anubiseses you might encounter?