Mock The Movie: Miami Connection transcript

Miami Connection pretty much hit the sweet spot for Mock The Movie mocking in every possible way. It included mediocre martial arts, ridiculous gore, 80s synth rock music, and a plot that almost sort of made sense if you overlooked the fact that a rock and roll band that knows Tae Kwon Do is the only thing stopping a group of ninjas from wresting control of all of Florida via cocaine distribution.

Oh, and did I mention that this is apparently a real band? Witness their 25-year reunion!

Transcript below the fold!
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Mock The Movie: Sol transcript

We watched Sol for Mock The Movie last night. I can’t remember what happened in the movie. I have a vague recollection of poor acting, tents and sand. I think I blocked the rest as a defense mechanism. There were more than a few times I simply got distracted from the movie — I’m not used to having commercials in my movies any more, so the Hulu experience was jarring, and I was determined to find out whether or not the music on the Absolut Vodka was done by Woodkid, the same guy who did a song called Iron which was used in the Assassin’s Creed: Revelations trailer.

Participation was thin, so I’m including as an extra bonus Blake Stacey’s solo watching of Prometheus, which was an unscheduled event but certainly better worth your time.
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Mock The Movie: House of Evil transcript

This movie was obviously a labour of love — an attempt at true art, with lavish setpieces and expensive props at every turn. Or at least so I imagine, behind all the murky darkness we movie-watchers got to experience. Truly though, the experience of watching a mostly-black screen for an hour and a half was all worth it because of the brief glimpses we got of some absolutely epic muttonchops.

Visit the Mock The Movie page for transcripts shortly.
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Mock The Movie: Total Recall transcript

Last night we took on the universally-beloved sci-fi flick Total Recall. I say “universally beloved” because people either remember the lady with three boobs, or they mistook the movie for Robocop with Arnold Schwarzenegger, or they had their memories rewritten to have enjoyed it. Nobody liked it legitimately, I assure you.

Transcripts will be available here. Um, shortly. As soon as I can get them uploaded.

Get your ass to below-the-fold.
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Hilariously awful Christian End Times movie – title needed

Who says Christians aren’t capable of taking their mythos and creating true works of art?

Yes, this film looks like what would happen if you took Mad Max, Fallout, Star Wars and the Bible and stuck them in a blender. Yes, there’s a multitude of mullets. Yes, the laser effects are absolute crap, and the laser light show gratuitous. Yes, that guy should have actually shot after turning his gun on the warlord. Yes, this looks like an absurdly high budget for your average Jesusification of a genre movie. Yes, I have no idea why I’m itemizing things here.

I guess I’m saying I need to see this because it looks Nineties-riffic. Does anyone know the title of this, that is obviously someone’s magnum opus?

Found at Everything Is Terrible.

Mock The Movie: Gymkata transcript

Lost in all the excitement of the CONvergence videos and the planning for FtBConscience was this gem of a movie that we mocked the hell out of this past week. So bad a movie is Gymkata that Ed Brayton suggested we do it for MTM — several days after we’d just done it. The movie is notable for its threadbare plot, its omnipresent ninjas, and its requisite pommel horse conveniently placed so that the hero, who I’m pretty sure is named Luke Skypommeler, could repeatedly kick criminally insane folks in the kisser.

Will post the subtitle files shortly in the usual place.
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Mock The Movie: War of the Robots transcript

Playing catch-up with my Mock The Movie stuff. Due to a perfect-storm series of impossible work crises that had me working fifteen hour days all week, I missed out on this one, though I did manage to get the scrape bot running in time. Enjoy the transcript of this trainwreck of bad sci-fi, low budgets and what appears to have been some sort of automatic pan-and-scan that made me feel seasick for the five seconds I watched near the middle.

Going to try to catch up on updating the Mock the Movie page now.
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Mock The Movie: Delta Force 2 transcript

Twitter changed their APIs about six months ago, and retired the ones I was using last week. I had no clue this was happening. I had to spend two hours after the movie working out what happened, and fixing the scrape script, before I could build this transcript.

Okay, sure, I didn’t NEED to spend those two hours immediately after the movie to fix this, but I can get a bit obsessive about fixing things that break.

Anyway, the Chuck Norris internet meme certainly didn’t pan out for much of this movie. There were plenty of moments where Chuck was less than awesome, including one where a snake nearly scared him off a cliff face. The internet meme Chuck would have punched said snake, who would then have flown a hundred feet backward into a cliff wall then exploded violently enough to bring down part of the wall onto its exploded remains in a landslide that would then provide Chuck with an easy set of stairs to climb.
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Mock The Movie: Atlas Shrugged part 1

We did it. We went there. This past Wednesday, we girded our loins for battle and took on quite possibly the dullest, most cynical, most breathtakingly stupefyingly successful movie adaptations of Ayn Rand’s oeuvre ever created — by which I mean, it made $4.6 million gross despite a cost of $20 million. And that despite its complete lack of real special effects outside of a magical train, its obvious use of hotel ballrooms and stock footage and public domain music, its series of second-string actors. This was a movie that felt like it was made on the cheap, and it did miserably. But insofar as it was actually made into a movie, it was actually made into a movie, surprising the living fuck outta us all.

But the selfish quarter of our society really loved it, for all the same reasons as they loved the book — its putting unfettered capitalism and self-interest on a pedestal as the only way to create good in this world, its unabashed damning of straw-socialism, and its dystopian message that society would crumble if the number-pushers stopped pushing numbers because everyone below them is just lazy parasites.

You know, FICTION.

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