Jul 11 2014

Mock The Movie: The Giant Claw transcript

Wow, I forgot to post this one way back in February. After this, I’ll have to dig up the subtitle files and finish the Mock The Movie page.

@lousycanuck: @pzmyers So… you’re only going to watch this a little bit?? @MockTM
2014-03-06 01:59:48
@pzmyers: @mocktm about 30 seconds should do it.
2014-03-06 02:00:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Filmed in Marionation!
2014-03-06 02:00:44
@szvan: @MockTM That is, in fact a very large claw. Look at how big it is next to those letters!
2014-03-06 02:00:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Joke’s on all of you — it’s two hours of a giant claw.
2014-03-06 02:01:10
@szvan: @MockTM Women? They got around.
2014-03-06 02:01:25
@pzmyers: @MockTM The art director kept his name in the credits?
2014-03-06 02:01:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Why would these three men struggle with the elements at all if time has no meaning and warmth is a push-button away??
2014-03-06 02:01:55
@pzmyers: @MockTM I saw my house!
2014-03-06 02:02:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow, homing pigeons. SUCH TECHNOLOGY. WOW.
2014-03-06 02:02:14
@pzmyers: @MockTM Ah, the cold war. Wasn’t it fun? Everything was about military defense.
2014-03-06 02:03:00
@szvan: @MockTM Aww, they had Libertarian douchebags even back then.
2014-03-06 02:04:10
@pzmyers: @MockTM I didn’t know pilos were allowed to fly!
2014-03-06 02:04:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Doctor Manhattan may work for the government, but he makes his own rules. Time and space also have no meaning for him, either.”
2014-03-06 02:04:29
@szvan: @MockTM “A significant moment in history. The day the narrator discovered full sentences.”
2014-03-06 02:05:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Almost the beginning of the end of life on this Earth, hmm? Isn’t that basically, the START of life? He saw abiogenesis.
2014-03-06 02:06:18
@pzmyers: @MockTM “Hot Button” do not touch the hot button.
2014-03-06 02:06:38
@pzmyers: @MockTM seems like kinda an overreaction to a guy reporting a UFO.
2014-03-06 02:07:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The planes were scrambled. I want to make an egg joke here.
2014-03-06 02:08:19
@CA7746: @MockTM Okay two planes went down, *now* we should care.
2014-03-06 02:08:27
@szvan: @MockTM The plane didn’t come back. That’s how we know there was nothing for it to find.
2014-03-06 02:08:30
@CA7746: @MockTM His handle is ‘Zebra Love’.
2014-03-06 02:09:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hang on, I’ll be back in a minute. My drink’s low, I’ll just borrow the pilot’s whiskey.”
2014-03-06 02:10:04
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a good thing the pilot has an electrical engineer to tell him how to fly through weather.
2014-03-06 02:10:25
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wait, you weren’t joking. His handle actually is “Zebra Love”! I didn’t know it was that kind of movie.
2014-03-06 02:11:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This electrical engineer is one of those Randian ubermensches isn’t he? All-knowing, all-talented?
2014-03-06 02:11:02
@thetwillis: @MockTM Zebra Love? That dude is totally a furry.
2014-03-06 02:11:47
@pzmyers: @MockTM Giant blurry turkey! Oooh, spooky!
2014-03-06 02:11:54
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, hey! The engine took care of the bird. Movie over!
2014-03-06 02:13:03
@pzmyers: @MockTM Excellent special effects. I didn’t even see the wires attached to the model airplane.
2014-03-06 02:13:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Felt like something kinda doggie-paddled over to us repeatedly. What kind of flying battleship moves like that?”
2014-03-06 02:14:18
@szvan: @MockTM Good thing his final paroxysm took him out of the way of the flying debris.
2014-03-06 02:14:24
@pzmyers: @MockTM “Allo”? Where did they land? Canada?
2014-03-06 02:14:59
@CA7746: @MockTM Are milkmen qualified to be paramedics? *shrug* Barbers used to be surgeons.
2014-03-06 02:15:09
@szvan: @MockTM Would it be a real horror movie without a thunderstorm?
2014-03-06 02:15:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Nothing so domestic as a flying saucer. Pssh. So pedestrian. You parochial sheriff types.”
2014-03-06 02:15:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, this *must* be Quebec, between the muddled accent and the triple-X bottle of moonshine.
2014-03-06 02:16:33
@CA7746: @MockTM “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.”
2014-03-06 02:16:34
@pzmyers: @MockTM Hey, Thibeault! Make yourself useful and translate Pierre’s colorful argot for us.
2014-03-06 02:16:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Soon as he says something, Myers.
2014-03-06 02:17:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You like Pierre’s shitty still hooch, oui?”
2014-03-06 02:17:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Translation: “AAAAAAH!!”
2014-03-06 02:18:11
@pzmyers: @MockTM I could use some of that applejack myself round about now.
2014-03-06 02:18:24
@thetwillis: @MockTM Wait, did he just say the applejack was made of Pierre’s wee? Ew.
2014-03-06 02:18:39
@szvan: @MockTM Wake him up. We’re almost out of hooch.
2014-03-06 02:18:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Cognac. It was the cognac!!”
2014-03-06 02:19:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “No, I saw the Cognac!” “Here, have some more still hooch.”
2014-03-06 02:19:42
@pzmyers: @Mocktm “Face of the wolf and body of the WOMAN?” What?
2014-03-06 02:19:54
@pzmyers: @MockTM French-Canadians are so fragile and emotional.
2014-03-06 02:20:31
@CA7746: @MockTM If you see this big bird, you’re about to get snuffed.
2014-03-06 02:20:47
@szvan: @MockTM Wait. I thought Big Bird was the real one. Snuffalupagus was the legend.
2014-03-06 02:21:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “They say if you watch this VHS tape and see Big Bird, it’s a sign that you’ve been recording PBS.”
2014-03-06 02:21:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, yes, yes, let’s get all the Sesame Street references out now.
2014-03-06 02:21:49
@thetwillis: @MockTM Try to convince Pierre it was really The Bluebird of Happiness that he saw. That’ll cheer him up.
2014-03-06 02:22:15
@pzmyers: @MockTM Sexual harassment!
2014-03-06 02:22:23
@szvan: @MockTM “First engineer and pilot, and now sexual assaulter.”
2014-03-06 02:22:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You almost overwhelm me with your tautologies.”
2014-03-06 02:22:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Pattern. Pat-tern. Paaaaaaaaterrrrrrrrrrrrn. … No, I lost it.”
2014-03-06 02:23:56
@pzmyers: @MockTM Women in the 1950s were so accommodating to men’s sexual advances.
2014-03-06 02:24:00
@szvan: @MockTM “What? You expect me to work pleasantly with you after that? No woman would do that.” :p
2014-03-06 02:24:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Really? You could draw a spiral connecting ANY arbitrary set of points.
2014-03-06 02:25:10
@szvan: @MockTM Graph-fitting 101. Where you been, lady?
2014-03-06 02:25:25
@pzmyers: @MockTM I’m going to say that that is not a valid example of good curve fitting.
2014-03-06 02:25:43
@szvan: @mocktm Oh, you men get so emotional.
2014-03-06 02:26:18
@pzmyers: @MockTM One minute he’s angling for the mile high club, next he’s scribbling on maps. He needs to focus.
2014-03-06 02:26:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Look, could you two please stop mangling the concept of pattern recognition so we can get some sleep here?”
2014-03-06 02:27:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey guys look out the window, I think I saw a giant turkey doggie-paddling through the air.”
2014-03-06 02:28:14
@szvan: @MockTM A third of the way through the movie is far too soon to show the horror.
2014-03-06 02:29:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Mmm, flying Lunchables. I should order take-out more often!
2014-03-06 02:29:11
@thetwillis: @MockTM The little crunch sound effect is a nice touch.
2014-03-06 02:29:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “That makes me chief cook and bottle watcher in the one man bird-watching society.” “Mr. Cook, I have to ask you to not metaphor.”
2014-03-06 02:31:44
@pzmyers: @Mocktm “Priority Fast!” I’m sure that’s an actual priority.
2014-03-06 02:32:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This bird and all pictures are now top-secret. Execute the Bigfoot Protocol.”
2014-03-06 02:33:09
@thetwillis: @MockTM Next step to catching the bird: Coming up with a giant shaker so they can put salt on its tail.
2014-03-06 02:34:16
@pzmyers: @MockTM It’s a Stealth Bird!
2014-03-06 02:34:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “There’s no scientific or any other explanation for a creature that otherwise resembles other creatures that exist.”
2014-03-06 02:34:35
@szvan: @MockTM It’s the strings. The strings interfere with the radar signal.
2014-03-06 02:34:54
@CA7746: @MockTM The ‘Easy Baker’ squadron. … I think I understand why pilots aren’t taken seriously.
2014-03-06 02:35:42
@szvan: @MockTM Ooh, will they get the dramatic music while they wait?
2014-03-06 02:35:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Easy Baker squadron preparing to deploy the giant light bulb. This bird’s goose is cooked, squadron leader!
2014-03-06 02:36:20
@szvan: @MockTM General, the bird! It keeps making us miss!
2014-03-06 02:36:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Bullets, rockets, nothing’s touching it!” “Have you tried aiming, Charlie?”
2014-03-06 02:37:11
@CA7746: @MockTM “It’s comin’ after me. Oh my gawwwwwwwd!”
2014-03-06 02:37:24
@szvan: @MockTM Duh. Parachute cords make the best floss.
2014-03-06 02:37:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I think part of the problem was that they rigged these planes with cannons. Surely they could at least have armed them with rapiers!
2014-03-06 02:37:48
@pzmyers: @MockTM Man, it really likes to snack on parachutists. It must be the silk wrapping.
2014-03-06 02:37:51
@szvan: @MockTM Somebody might want to consider grounding planes for a bit. Just saying.
2014-03-06 02:38:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Nothing’s affecting this bird… we should find its weakness. Get me… Colonel Sanders.”
2014-03-06 02:39:42
@thetwillis: @MockTM Maybe I’ve been reading too much slash lately, but I’m sensing a lot of sexual tension in this room.
2014-03-06 02:39:49
@pzmyers: @MockTM Yeah, those days, someone would sneeze and they’d start talking about nukes.
2014-03-06 02:40:04
@thetwillis: @MockTM And now you kiss.
2014-03-06 02:41:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “The basic building block of all matter: LEGO.”
2014-03-06 02:41:29
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, yes. The good old days, when science fiction was good for teaching science, not for story.
2014-03-06 02:41:42
@thetwillis: @MockTM That dude is so baked right now.
2014-03-06 02:42:22
@CA7746: @MockTM “What?” “I said unquestionably!”
2014-03-06 02:42:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Evidently this bird is able to open its antimatter screen. And while we’re inventing implausibilities, the bird is also Hitler.
2014-03-06 02:43:48
@thetwillis: @MockTM And that energy screen is…Axe Body Spray.
2014-03-06 02:43:53
@pzmyers: @Mocktm That “science” made me drink. Now I’m a bit muddled.
2014-03-06 02:43:58
@CA7746: @MockTM Oh I thought you were just a slob.
2014-03-06 02:44:09
@CA7746: @MockTM It erm, flapped all the way here.
2014-03-06 02:44:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM As a last resort, we tried performing sciencey stuff.
2014-03-06 02:44:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Of course you understand that everything you’ve seen and heard is ridiculous and nobody would believe you anyway.”
2014-03-06 02:45:17
@pzmyers: @MockTM he’s holding a feather made of no known element, and he’s not talking about his upcoming Nobel prize? What kind of scientist is he?
2014-03-06 02:45:28
@szvan: @MockTM Is the bad science over? It’s hard to type with my fingers in my ears.
2014-03-06 02:45:40
@thetwillis: @MockTM This narrator has an unusual accent for a narrator.
2014-03-06 02:46:56
@pzmyers: @MockTM Now we know why all UFO photos are blurry. It’s because they’re made of anti-matter, so light slides around them.
2014-03-06 02:47:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So an alien antimatter bird is flying around being all terror and shit. And yet it goes “WARK WARK.” Needs a better catch phrase.
2014-03-06 02:47:27
@pzmyers: @MockTM I can’t believe that I just wrote that. I’m going to drink more.
2014-03-06 02:47:48
@szvan: @pzmyers @MockTM We exist to provide your excuse.
2014-03-06 02:48:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “If only there was something we could do that wasn’t sitting around and waiting. *sigh* Too bad there’s aaabsolutely nothing to do.”
2014-03-06 02:49:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “The general told me he found a claw mark in Pierre’s farm. And I know why.” “Because there’s a giant fucking bird??”
2014-03-06 02:50:11
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, god. Giant anti-matter bird is, of course. going to build a nest. Because that’s what all birds do.
2014-03-06 02:50:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I need a helicopter, three cows, a tuning fork and a hundred thousand gallons of lard. Trust me general, I know what I’m doing.”
2014-03-06 02:51:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “The bird began its attacks on the ground. A fantastic orgy of sex broke out when everyone realized we’re all gonna die.”
2014-03-06 02:52:30
@pzmyers: @MockTM I saw this on Jurassic Park. Hold still, they sense movement.
2014-03-06 02:53:29
@szvan: @MockTM In failing to reassure one person who was listening, General Considine accidentally launched the entire field of PR.
2014-03-06 02:53:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM For the record, “Pepe” is not an acceptable nickname for “Pierre.”
2014-03-06 02:54:42
@pzmyers: @lousycanuck @MockTM That’s your gripe? In a movie about a giant anti-matter bird? Gosh, I guess they didn’t do their background research.
2014-03-06 02:55:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wark wark” means “Baker baker one nine, coming in for a landing, over.”
2014-03-06 02:56:03
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a good thing the bird landed so they could see the egg.

2014-03-06 02:56:21
@CA7746: @MockTM Truly, there was a deformed muppet here today. And it was US.
2014-03-06 02:56:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Gotta shoot a few eggs to make an omelette.”
2014-03-06 02:56:43
@szvan: @MockTM Of course! Trees are its weakness!
2014-03-06 02:57:17
@pzmyers: @MockTM Bird as big as a battleship, gotta be a giant egg…what’s the calibre of those rifles?
2014-03-06 02:57:31
@szvan: @MockTM Actually, kids, coming out with you meant his death.
2014-03-06 02:57:48
@pzmyers: @MockTM Vengeance on Pierre!
2014-03-06 02:58:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The bird grabs Pierre, eats him, and causes its blood alcohol content to be over the legal limit for interstellar travel.
2014-03-06 02:58:19
@pzmyers: @MockTM Damn kids. Where’s the giant bird when you need it?
2014-03-06 02:58:56
@szvan: @MockTM Gee. I wonder what will happen to those wayward kids in this horror movie.
2014-03-06 02:59:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Unable to stop swerving when flying by Jupiter, the bird is picked up by space police. It’s tried in a court of law and gets 10 yrs.
2014-03-06 02:59:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Who needs to watch the movie’s end? I can invent a better ending!
2014-03-06 03:00:02
@pzmyers: @MockTM Let that be a lesson to you, youth of today. Respect your elders!
2014-03-06 03:00:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I hope this isn’t some kind of crackpot wild goose chase. Geddit? Goose? Huh? Huuuuuh?”
2014-03-06 03:00:49
@CA7746: @MockTM *GASP* That technobabble wasn’t gibberish. :o
2014-03-06 03:01:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Inside the bird is a tiny crew of uniformed birds shouting orders: “Shields up! Red alert! Go to swooping speed! Maneuver Riker 3!”
2014-03-06 03:01:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I know you don’t understand all this General, but stick with me. I’ll make a bad analogy after the technobabble.”
2014-03-06 03:02:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yes, if you don’t hit it with your kitchen sinks, you WILL have many kitchen sinks to spare.
2014-03-06 03:03:13
@CA7746: @MockTM Luckily the electrical engineer slash pilot is also a particle physicist.
2014-03-06 03:03:24
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, jebus. I have to tranquilize my science gland with more alcohol now.
2014-03-06 03:03:33
@pzmyers: @MockTM Solution: Invent solid state devices immediately.
2014-03-06 03:05:13
@CA7746: @MockTM You built a time machine!?
2014-03-06 03:06:04
@szvan: @MockTM Okay. New plan: I just need to lure the bird into the laboratory with me.
2014-03-06 03:06:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I walked out of the room for a bit. Did they do it? Did they make basic atoms?
2014-03-06 03:06:25
@thetwillis: @MockTM Aw, like a dog running off with a string of sausages. Cute.
2014-03-06 03:06:26
@CA7746: @MockTM Adjust the polarity on the main condensor terminals. -_-
2014-03-06 03:06:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ohhh, reverse the polarity on the neutron flow!” “What? No. That’s gibberish.”
2014-03-06 03:07:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Get me my science pants, will you general? I can’t science without my science pants!”
2014-03-06 03:07:37
@CA7746: @MockTM You’re saying the solution is coming out your tail end?
2014-03-06 03:07:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We’ll attract its attention somehow. Maybe build giant arms attached to the plane to wave around. A loudspeaker saying “yoo hoo”. ”
2014-03-06 03:08:49
@szvan: @MockTM All right, folks. Let’s get all our limited cast on this plane. If this fails, we won’t want a backup pan.
2014-03-06 03:09:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, what’s the plan now? They’re going to bombard it with freemasons?
2014-03-06 03:09:44
@thetwillis: @MockTM Oh yeah, a “calculator” was a human being, back in the day.
2014-03-06 03:10:03
@szvan: @MockTM Sure, the train stays together at the couplings, but the building comes apart at the rebar.
2014-03-06 03:10:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Director: “Hey, remember that one scene from that other movie with the big creature? Let’s do that!”
2014-03-06 03:10:16
@CA7746: @MockTM “Make a pass at it.” “Bwaack! Caw chirp whistle?” *Displays chest hair*
2014-03-06 03:10:37
@lousycanuck: @thetwillis Like Mentats? @MockTM
2014-03-06 03:10:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Make a pass at it.” “HEY BIRD. COME HERE OFTEN?”
2014-03-06 03:11:06
@szvan: @MockTM Now they have the foresight to move it say from a populated…oh, no. They don’t. It’s just easier to hit when it’s moving.
2014-03-06 03:12:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “WARK WARK WARK!” Translation: “OW MY MUONS!”
2014-03-06 03:13:18
@szvan: @MockTM This must be the end. They only have the one marionette.
2014-03-06 03:14:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Call the President. We’re going to have a roast that’ll feed everyone in Washington tonight.”
2014-03-06 03:14:29
@szvan: @MockTM It’s such a pity Pierre died. He could have taught them about denouement.
2014-03-06 03:15:13
@pzmyers: @MockTM What a relief. My liver wasn’t going to hold up much longer.
2014-03-06 03:15:18
@thetwillis: @MockTM And now giant eggs start hatching, all over the world. In a spiral pattern.
2014-03-06 03:15:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM My Playstation actually turned off at the end of that movie. It has more sense than we do about movies like this.
2014-03-06 03:15:56
@szvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM Um, it waited until the end.
2014-03-06 03:16:14
@pzmyers: @MockTM That was a little more brain rot than I wanted.
2014-03-06 03:17:02
@CA7746: @MockTM We need more movie suggestions to add to the calendar.
2014-03-06 03:17:34
@szvan: @CA7746 @MockTM Need to try to find another Faith Films production.
2014-03-06 03:18:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM A few potentials: Queen of the Amazons, Legend of Boggy Creek, The Core, 2012: Doomsday, Jungle Man
2014-03-06 03:19:01
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM I’m still recovering from Star Trek Into Darkness
2014-03-06 03:21:48
@szvan: @blakestacey @lousycanuck @MockTM There was no lens flare in this one.
2014-03-06 03:24:13
@lousycanuck: Need more suggestions for @MockTM. Got a film you think needs to be mocked mercilessly?
2014-03-06 03:25:11
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM I am sincerely sorry that I still haven’t gotten that scraped. I’m pretty sure it’s still accessible though.
2014-03-06 03:25:56
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM When is Ender’s Game available?
2014-03-06 03:29:24
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM I can try pulling it out of my own tweet archive, if I remember.
2014-03-06 03:29:52
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey I don’t think any time soon. Nor Atlas Shrugged Part 3. @MockTM
2014-03-06 03:31:27
@artologica: @blakestacey @lousycanuck @MockTM I’ve had a few drinks, so you can imagine my mental image of “pulling it out of my own tweet archive”
2014-03-06 03:32:51
@futilityfiles: @lousycanuck @MockTM a distant relative of mine made a Bollywood-style movie that’s just awkward & terrible. I’ll link you later
2014-03-06 03:34:12
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM Well, AT3 will just be John Galt speaking into a microphone, so we’re missing even less than the first two movies were
2014-03-06 03:34:43
@ingdamnit: @lousycanuck @MockTM Dracula 3000
2014-03-06 03:45:24
@CA7746: @blakestacey @lousycanuck @MockTM Twitter API won’t go back very far, unless it’s searching your own account.
2014-03-06 04:30:14
@CA7746: @blakestacey @lousycanuck @MockTM /Searches in Chrome. *scroll* *scroll* *scroll* Ah, Jan 5th. Inspect element, copy as HTML…
2014-03-06 04:31:13
@CA7746: @blakestacey @lousycanuck @MockTM I might not’ve gotten it all, and scraping html’s icky, but it’s something.
2014-03-06 04:38:04
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 @blakestacey @MockTM I wish I still had that parser script.
2014-03-06 04:49:44
@CA7746: @lousycanuck @blakestacey @MockTM What did it do? Collect tweets live as they’re written? RT I wish I still had that parser script.
2014-03-06 04:53:25
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 No, the one I wrote a long time ago that re-parses the html out to look like my usual transcripts. @blakestacey @MockTM
2014-03-06 04:55:34

1 comment

  1. 1

    I LOVE this movies! Way back in prehistoric times when there was to cable or satelite (seriously, no satelites of any kind other than the moon) there was the “Million Dollar Movie” at 10 AM on a local station and this, along with ‘The Monolith Monsters’ (which youn need to do) were show every few months.

    Might just be the reason I got into birding.

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