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Jul 10 2014

Mock The Movie transcript: Dracula 3000

Holy crap, am I behind on the Mock The Movie. Let me catch up right-quick-like.

@CA7746: @MockTM At least it’s not “based on a true story”…
2014-05-08 01:00:25
@blakestacey: @MockTM Gonna have to sit this one out – Amazon Video is sick with festering crotchrot tonight.
2014-05-08 01:00:29
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey Boo. It’s on Netflix, as well as a sketchy live-streaming site. @MockTM
2014-05-08 01:00:55
@CA7746: @MockTM I think this is the sound engineer’s demo reel.
2014-05-08 01:01:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Darrel James Robot? This film is looking up already!
2014-05-08 01:01:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Coolio!? Okay. I’m feeling pretty good about this.
2014-05-08 01:01:31
@szvan: @MockTM Casper Van Dien, Erica Eleniak, and Coolio. We’re in for a treat.
2014-05-08 01:01:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And the inestimable Tiny Lister.
2014-05-08 01:01:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Costume ender: Wolfgang Designer.
2014-05-08 01:02:09
@szvan: @MockTM If the entire run time is credits, this might not be so bad after all.
2014-05-08 01:02:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I’m going to guess they blew their budget on this one CG effect for the title.
2014-05-08 01:03:11
@CA7746: @MockTM Oh gods, we just reached the title!? This already feels longer than Battlefield Earth!
2014-05-08 01:03:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I loves me some scanlines! In the future all monitors are progressive-scan CRTs.
2014-05-08 01:03:49
@szvan: @MockTM I sense a large number of naming coincidences in this movie.
2014-05-08 01:04:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I prefer the Belmonts to the Van Helsings, frankly.
2014-05-08 01:04:50
@szvan: @MockTM Which video game engine did they make this move with.
2014-05-08 01:05:32
@DrRubidium: @MockTM van Heising? Hugh Jackman couldn’t even make that shit viable.
2014-05-08 01:05:32
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM So far this movie follows the maxim “tell, don’t show.”
2014-05-08 01:05:45
@DrRubidium: @MockTM this movie was filmed using an iPad
2014-05-08 01:06:04
@CA7746: @MockTM 14 Billion Years of Night
2014-05-08 01:06:56
@DrRubidium: @MockTM yeah, he ain’t called ’187′ cuz of his IQ. Wait… is that foreshadowing?
2014-05-08 01:06:56
@szvan: @MockTM Why do you have to go first? Because your contract says we pay you by the word.
2014-05-08 01:07:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “At least half of the crew is now afraid. It’s an epidemic of Rigellian Scaredy-Cat Scratch Fever.”
2014-05-08 01:08:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM Is this movie supposed to be in French, or am I watching on the wrong *ahem* entirely legitimate website?
2014-05-08 01:08:21
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I think the working-for-free intern is going to die first. We all know free internships suck. #punintended
2014-05-08 01:08:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And now Mina Harker — err, Murry — will become Dracula’s thrall because why bother writing a new plot.
2014-05-08 01:09:02
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM Lemme see what I can find for you :)
2014-05-08 01:09:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “110! 120! 135! HUT HUT HIKE”
2014-05-08 01:10:05
@DrRubidium: @MockTM why is she wearing a mask? It appears unnecessary and it’s not a good look.
2014-05-08 01:10:49
@SpokesGay: @lousycanuck @MockTM Time check?
2014-05-08 01:11:15
@DrRubidium: @MockTM also, there don’t appear to me any regulators on those “tanks”
2014-05-08 01:11:20
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM Their breathing apparati seem to be made of gas masks, plumbing joints, clear tubing, and water filter cartridges from Home Depot.
2014-05-08 01:11:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So Humvee is a genuinely unlikeable jackass. Tiny Lister, you’re above this.
2014-05-08 01:12:27
@lousycanuck: @SpokesGay @MockTM 12:45.
2014-05-08 01:12:57
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “Some mouthwash would be nice. Maybe some LISTERine.”
2014-05-08 01:13:10
@szvan: @MockTM It’s good to see that Plantronics survives the human diaspora.
2014-05-08 01:13:42
@DrRubidium: @MockTM So the big black guy is assaulting white ladies? REALLY?!
2014-05-08 01:14:05
@DrRubidium: @MockTM pretty sure Casper Van Dien is wearing the same outfit he did in Starship Troopers
2014-05-08 01:15:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Coolio gonna be Coolio.
2014-05-08 01:15:38
@szvan: @MockTM So far, the captain’s complete lack of leadership is the most believable part of this movie.
2014-05-08 01:15:46
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Hydroponically speaking, of course.
2014-05-08 01:15:53
@DrRubidium: @MockTM fairly certain I can make this same movie using lab supplies filming in the basement of my work
2014-05-08 01:17:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And I’d love it if you could give a coherent order. Sir.”
2014-05-08 01:17:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What do spaceships look like?” “I dunno, kinda factory catwalk like I guess.” “Can we paint it yellow?” “Of course!” “SCORE!”
2014-05-08 01:18:36
@szvan: @MockTM Apparently Dracula is spending his time watching the scintillating video logs of the dead captain?
2014-05-08 01:18:49
@SpokesGay: @MockTM And dee faaa-cers.
2014-05-08 01:19:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I don’t care what you smell, you big hairy oaf, get in there. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.”
2014-05-08 01:20:01
@SpokesGay: @MockTM For Christ’s sake it’s Dr. Bashir.
2014-05-08 01:20:13
@CA7746: @MockTM “What happened to him?” “He chose, poorly.”
2014-05-08 01:20:16
@SpokesGay: @MockTM OMG they’re dumb.
2014-05-08 01:21:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s like he tied himself to the chair.” “What would make him do that?” “Some forms of onanism aren’t yet banned…”
2014-05-08 01:22:03
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “Supposably I had a grand uncle. . ” Shut. Up.
2014-05-08 01:22:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh seriously, they banned crucifixes?
2014-05-08 01:22:35
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Check dis corpse.
2014-05-08 01:23:01
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Hey! Who’s God?
2014-05-08 01:23:21
@SpokesGay: @MockTM help me.
2014-05-08 01:23:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I hear them. Behind my door at night. Little… children. Playing. Laughing. Having fun. Oh how I loathe them.”
2014-05-08 01:23:39
@DrRubidium: @MockTM homegirl has on a Tank Top of Authority, so she’s not going to die
2014-05-08 01:24:20
@SpokesGay: @MockTM She said “eee-legal.” Die.
2014-05-08 01:24:35
@CA7746: @MockTM Worst salvage crew ever.
2014-05-08 01:24:52
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Woman, are you X?
2014-05-08 01:24:56
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Ima be de bes’ stereotype I can be!
2014-05-08 01:25:22
@SpokesGay: @MockTM #JustSayin
2014-05-08 01:25:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Again, Coolio gotta be Coolio.
2014-05-08 01:25:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dope has been legal for 50 years, crucifixes banned for 20. COINCIDENCE!?
2014-05-08 01:26:36
@DrRubidium: @MockTM two black people in this movie. Which one will die or turn into a vampire first? Both? Coolie goes vampire, Deebo dies
2014-05-08 01:27:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s not working, dammit!” “TOGGLE FASTER!”
2014-05-08 01:27:52
@DrRubidium: @MockTM this professor isn’t nearly as charming as the one on Gilligan’s Island
2014-05-08 01:28:07
@szvan: @MockTM Who wants to lay odds that anyone tells the women they were right?
2014-05-08 01:28:19
@CA7746: @MockTM No biggie. Whoever we left on the other ship can fly it back… crap.
2014-05-08 01:28:36
@DrRubidium: @MockTM you just found a grip of coffins and you ain’t running for your motherfucking life? BULLSHIT
2014-05-08 01:30:33
@szvan: @MockTM Yeah, like he doesn’t immediately taste that shit.
2014-05-08 01:30:45
@DrRubidium: @MockTM going back in time for a bit… why would this ship have been carrying coffins in the first place?
2014-05-08 01:31:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Coffin-shaped sand containers. Because why write a new story? Just get some people from Central Casting… and space-like stuff…
2014-05-08 01:31:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Why would ANYONE name a space station “Transylvania?”
2014-05-08 01:32:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Why anyone would move these remains to the Carpathian galaxy, in the Viggo system, I dont know.
2014-05-08 01:33:06
@szvan: @MockTM Wow. Speed of sound in that place is super slow.
2014-05-08 01:33:21
@szvan: @MockTM Don’t you hate it when you get sand in your lip gloss?
2014-05-08 01:34:50
@CA7746: @MockTM Yeah, femurs are notorious for snapping like twigs.
2014-05-08 01:35:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Because why bring him to a medical bay when there’s a perfectly serviceable pool table right there.
2014-05-08 01:35:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Re-setting a compound fracture sounds suspiciously like somoene running their fingernails along a washboard.
2014-05-08 01:36:05
@szvan: @MockTM Good thing they’re only allowed to shoot in five places, so everyone can find the captain.
2014-05-08 01:36:50
@szvan: @MockTM That’s one broad-jawed vampire.
2014-05-08 01:37:33
@CA7746: @MockTM Scary Coolio: does jazz hands and shouts “ahhlaghah!”
2014-05-08 01:38:17
@szvan: @MockTM These vampires are getting less scary by the second.
2014-05-08 01:38:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hasn’t anyone ever told you not to play with your food?
2014-05-08 01:38:49
@DrRubidium: @MockTM vampire Coolio is cracking me up. I don’t think that’s the right response..
2014-05-08 01:39:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Vampire Coolio probably can’t ejaculate on anyone’s bazonkas any more. What a missed opportunity.
2014-05-08 01:40:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM How do they have enough control over the ship to make an alarm happen?
2014-05-08 01:41:25
@DrRubidium: @MockTM there’s fog in space?!
2014-05-08 01:41:39
@CA7746: @MockTM Aw, with all the atheists, I expected Vlad, the christian warrior.
2014-05-08 01:43:17
@szvan: @MockTM I think no one told them that Renfield wasn’t a vampire.
2014-05-08 01:43:59
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “I can’t believe a guy whose nickname is the penal code for murder is doing this.”
2014-05-08 01:44:10
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that is the most ridiculous cape in the history of fabric
2014-05-08 01:44:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Good evening, my dear.” “Who are you?” “Can I interest you in a wonderful opportunity to go into business for yourself with Amway?”
2014-05-08 01:44:37
@DrRubidium: @MockTM woman, this is no time for riddles
2014-05-08 01:45:07
@CA7746: @MockTM She saw Him? What does god need with a starship?
2014-05-08 01:47:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Did you see him?” “No but I saw him.” “So you did see him?” “No, HIM.” “Oh, the sequel to that movie about the AI lady?”
2014-05-08 01:47:52
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a good thing they all have guns so they can make this movie shorter.
2014-05-08 01:47:59
@DrRubidium: @MockTM yes, Deeboo, vampirism is some white people shit :D
2014-05-08 01:48:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Count ORLOCK? I’m well and truly disappointed.
2014-05-08 01:48:53
@szvan: @MockTM Misandry!
2014-05-08 01:49:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s sort of like a man, only way more up front about his intentions.”
2014-05-08 01:49:32
@CA7746: @MockTM His planet is dead. Maybe Orlok should reconsider his unsustainable lifestyle.
2014-05-08 01:49:51
@szvan: @MockTM “He lives on blood, just like he did for the last 50 years on this empty ship.”
2014-05-08 01:50:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No, Tiny, vampires don’t SEE color. As evidenced by your best bro.
2014-05-08 01:50:25
@CA7746: @MockTM A Kessel run? Sure, why not?
2014-05-08 01:54:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So, um, Aurora is whiny. And Humvee is a fool.
2014-05-08 01:54:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM MAKE IT SO. ENGAGE.
2014-05-08 01:54:33
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I’m kinda rooting for the vampire
2014-05-08 01:54:43
@szvan: @DrRubidium @MockTM Kinda?
2014-05-08 01:55:11
@DrRubidium: @szvan @MockTM only kinda cuz that cape is cray cray :P
2014-05-08 01:56:03
@szvan: @DrRubidium @MockTM A win for the vampire with a critical hit to the cape.
2014-05-08 01:56:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “There’s gotta be a connection between all these implausible naming coincidences.” “Nah, randomness is lumpy, captain.”
2014-05-08 01:56:43
@DrRubidium: @MockTM the professor is letting his emotions get the better of him. Tsk, tsk
2014-05-08 01:58:59
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM Compton-ia? Really?
2014-05-08 02:01:02
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, no, man. Nobody’s on a higher plane than you.
2014-05-08 02:01:54
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “And that’s my cue to exit.”
2014-05-08 02:02:26
@DrRubidium: @MockTM she’s a robot. Well, that certainly explains her acting.
2014-05-08 02:03:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “She’s a narc, a 5-0!” “Dude, drugs have been legal for 50 years. And it’s been hundreds since 5-0 meant anything.”
2014-05-08 02:04:52
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “He doesn’t want her, Hummer. He wears a cape and a cravat. Put the pieces together.”
2014-05-08 02:05:08
@MistressOfFrog: @lousycanuck @CA7746 @MockTM @szvan Right. We would have to play off of Netflix ACCTS or something’s ng.
2014-05-08 02:06:03
@DrRubidium: @MockTM organic wood. Good to know that bullshit makes it into the future.
2014-05-08 02:07:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So now we have “organic” and “synthetic” wood, and the synthetic wood will almost certainly figure into the endgame.
2014-05-08 02:07:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey! Found one!” *crack* “Now there’s two.” *cra-crack* “Now there’s four.” *chrack* “Now there’s eight.”
2014-05-08 02:08:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Just do it and chill the sarcasm subroutines.”
2014-05-08 02:09:59
@szvan: @MockTM No, really. We believe you. There are lots of coffins.
2014-05-08 02:10:51
@DrRubidium: @MockTM vampires, when you stab ‘em, shoot out KoolAid fruit punch
2014-05-08 02:10:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Aww, look, she’s smiling. So peaceful.”
2014-05-08 02:11:18
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “Heart ball in the death pocket. I’m sorry, I’m not good at quips.”
2014-05-08 02:12:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM She’s a fucking robot, the best melee they have in the party. She survived one encounter with Dracula. So she goes to fetch Humvee.
2014-05-08 02:12:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Eh, what’s a soul worth these days anyway.
2014-05-08 02:15:52
@DrRubidium: @MockTM pleasure bot? This movie.
2014-05-08 02:17:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So this is White Wolf rules, where stakes through the heart just put a vampire into “torpor”?
2014-05-08 02:17:31
@CA7746: @MockTM Are they sure it wasn’t gunpowder in those coffins?
2014-05-08 02:19:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “How did you know?” “Know what? No, I just hated the smug asshole.”
2014-05-08 02:20:12
@CA7746: @MockTM Darn, he’s still hot the hand with finger armor.
2014-05-08 02:20:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Now a whole ‘nother vampire’s gonna grow out of the hand.
2014-05-08 02:21:11
@CA7746: @MockTM After Taco Bell won the franchise wars, Bionic Woman fandom replaced religion.
2014-05-08 02:21:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM If we’re playing White Wolf rules, it’s gonna take a whole lot of blood points to regenerate that hand.
2014-05-08 02:21:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Programmed for human emotions, OFFERS consensual sex, and it’s still appropriate to treat her like an object. WHAT THE HELL, FUTURE.
2014-05-08 02:23:16
@CA7746: @MockTM Tisk. Checkov’s self-destruct might’ve been clever… if it hadn’t been terminated before the title.
2014-05-08 02:23:33
@CA7746: @MockTM *Sigh* Maybe Orlok blew up the ship to stop it from reaching the sun.
2014-05-08 02:23:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM SUDDENLY, END CREDITS APPEAR
2014-05-08 02:23:47
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “We don’t have enough money to film the rest of the script. Just blow everybody up and run credits.”
2014-05-08 02:24:31
@CA7746: @MockTM These credits better include an apology.
2014-05-08 02:24:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Aww, they left out the dance number that’s in the Director’s Cut.
2014-05-08 02:25:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This movie needed more Coolio gnawing on scenery and less everything else.
2014-05-08 02:26:04
@CA7746: @MockTM The camera company was “ONE8SIX”. #CoolioWasLazy
2014-05-08 02:26:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The stinger at the end of Tiny Lister spanking his newly-won object… fuck this movie.
2014-05-08 02:29:21
@leilah: Argh! Home sick, and I managed to sleep through @mocktm the one time I was actually able to watch it. #FFS
2014-05-08 02:40:30
@leilah: @lousycanuck @MockTM There’s a director’s cut??
2014-05-08 02:45:52

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