Holy crap, look what we found. This is our second-ever Mock The Movie, which, counting the do-over of Sands of Oblivion, means we have every single Mock The Movie transcript! Thanks again to CA7746 for reparsing the original logs into something useable for the web and for subtitle files. They’ll be added to the main page shortly.
@blakestacey: Topaz Studios: because when I think the glamour of Hollywood, I think *semi*-precious stones.
@blakestacey: Topaz in a vampire movie? Uh-oh, is Stephenie Meyer at work here?
@brx0: Mario "Fava"? Who? Like the bean?
@blakestacey: "I ate his liver, with some Mario beans and a nice chianti."
@lousycanuck: Good to know that Roberto Bareta is in the role of Sacha. I was worried that role might be miscast.
@drskyskull: Oooh, sleazy nightclub music! Or pulp detective film noir music.
@DrRubidium: Nice soundtrack. Foreboding!
@szvan: I know we shouldn’t mock the effects, but the title animation is 1930′s Disney standards, in 1960. Odd…
@blakestacey: First male speaker in the movie: "Go put some clothes on." Spoilsport!
@szvan: That was the least enticing dressing screen scene I’ve ever seen.
@DrRubidium: The female lead sounds pretty breathless… are they still wearing corsets in 1960?
@blakestacey: "I won’t do another number – e, pi and i were enough!"
@lousycanuck: "I can’t sing any more because my lover will leave me for having a career! Time to drive recklessly. What can possibly go wrong?"
@brx0: Pierre breaks up with our heroine, who drives angrily off into the night…
@blakestacey: Hey, it’s the Wilhelmina scream.
@szvan: Wow, I didn’t know the Italians made a version of the Pinto.
@DrRubidium: No way she would have made it out of that car.
@blakestacey: "I don’t want to be out-acted by anyone! Especially HIM!"
@DrRubidium: No burns to her hands or lower body? Only her face?
@brx0: And we meet our Mad Scientist (no sight of his face yet, like Blofeld…)
@DrRubidium: ok, the burnette is totally creeping me out!
@drskyskull: Yeah, it’s best just to rip a bandage off all at once instead of peeling it slow…
@lousycanuck: Hey, uh, hey listen, I don’t know how to say this, but.. you got a little something on your face… right there.
@DrRubidium: Spare me, sister! Quit your crying! The scars aren’t that bad!
@brx0: Facial scarring? Break the mirror, that always helps.
@szvan: Ooh. Long hair instead of makeup. That’ll save the budget.
@DrRubidium: "Great scientist" = Crazy-ass scientist.
@lousycanuck: There’s no time for questions. But there’s lots of time for very slow line delivery. And promising what you can’t deliver.
@RelUnrelated: At least the people doing the dubbing actually use an emotion of some type. ;)
@DrRubidium: I love how everybody in old movies is wearing trench coats. #NotRaining
@brx0: #protip When a mysterious stranger in a trenchcoat promises a secret miracle cure, a second opinion may be warranted.
@BenZvan: "This is the only hope you have. keep that in mind… always" *drinks more white russian*
@blakestacey: "Don’t you believe me?" "I don’t know you!"
@DrRubidium: Seriously, you’re inside a car that explodes and all you’ve got was a scar on the lower left of your face? Lucky bitch!
@lousycanuck: Rebuilding abnormal or destroyed cells by nuking the shit out of them. Sounds plausible to me!
@drskyskull: Um, who are you talking to, dude?
@BenZvan: This is my bunny. I will love him and pet him and…
@brx0: Ooh, atomic mad scientist gear. Oscilloscopes *and* lab bunnies.
@DrRubidium: Derma 25… science mumbo-jumbo… Derma 28!
@blakestacey: Hmmm, maybe the mad scientist works for the Derma Initiative?
@lousycanuck: "Uh! Uhh-uh! UH!!" "Use your words, Igor. What do you want? The cigarettes? The reel-to-reel player? What!!?"
@szvan: Yeah, I’ve got the guts to deform myself for science, but I’m not going to try the cure without *his* say so. <3 <3 <3
@RelUnrelated: White trench coats are so sexy.
@brx0: Ok, the nutsy lab assistant wants to be the first Derma 28 subject. Good luck with that.
@blakestacey: "When it’s all over you can bring me radioactive mutant roses."
@brx0: And the MS mentions in passing that he cured cancer first, and only then moved on to cosmetic work. Wow, this *is* science fiction!
@drskyskull: "Give me your arm!" But that would leave me with one!
@lousycanuck: There’s a lot of SCIENCE in this room. But not a shred of doubt! There is no doubt any longer! ANYWHERE! MWAHAHAHA
@DrRubidium: Derma 28 – isn’t that the new skin care line from Este Lauder?
@lousycanuck: Let’s stay home. Together. With our records. Maybe Dark Side of the Moon. And a doobie.
@blakestacey: "…Maybe torrent an episode of White Collar…"
@DrRubidium: What kind of lame pick-up line is that?
@brx0: And the assistant is really hitting on the MS. Wants to stay home and listen to records together. Stupid hipsters.
@blakestacey: "Yes, it was a ritual. Did the pentacle drawn in child’s blood clue you in, Einstein?"
@RelUnrelated: It’s a good thing the trap door is roped off, otherwise it’d be dangerous.
@szvan: Because, you see, science is just like any other religion. *gack*
@drskyskull: Thank goodness she wore that coat – otherwise she might have looked *conspicuous*!
@DrRubidium: I’m more scared of the blond’s alley cat coat than her face
@blakestacey: She looks like she’s gonna bust out of that coat and start singing "Paparazzi".
@lousycanuck: Go and pick up the luggage. And kill all those people that followed her since people just can’t resist that coat.
@Mechelle_68: Half expecting Dr. Oz to walk in.
@DrRubidium: I’ll be honest, I’m hoping for a 3-some between the scientist and the ladies. This movie’s on life support!
@RelUnrelated: "Together… with our records." Gonna be a swingin’ party!
@blakestacey: burn scars = cancer = leprosy!
@brx0: Doctor just compared her scar to cancer *and* leprosy. Bedside manner fail.
@szvan: Look at you! Look at those scars! Your face is clearly about to drop off!
@BenZvan: If that’s ‘disfigured’ I wanna be disfigured next!
@chaosagent23: He’s way too excited about cancer and leprosy…
@blakestacey: "The secret of life, and also the secret of death – it’s very economical!"
@DrRubidium: Cancer… Science blah-blah… Cells… Derma 28!
@RelUnrelated: It’s a miracle! And I shall perform it!
@chaosagent23: She doesn’t believe in miracles. Obviously she’s figured out how magnets work.
@drskyskull: "I’ve even forgotten how to pray!" "Do I put my hands over my ears, or my genitals?"
@lousycanuck: "Foolish woman! You don’t PRAY for science, you just rub atomic bombs on your face."
@brx0: More bedside manner fail, letting her know she can go kill herself if she isn’t happy with the results.
@DrRubidium: Jeannette, you and that atrocious coat should get the fuck out of there!
@RelUnrelated: And now she’s begging…
@szvan: Oh, my love! You’ve abused her until she passed out! How wonderful you are!
@BenZvan: Unconciousness = implied consent! Let’s take her upstairs!
@blakestacey: "She’s a beautiful human specimen." "Pity she had that run-in with Fire Lord Ozai."
@lousycanuck: "Beautiful? You’re trying to get her in the sack aren’t you?"
@DrRubidium: this movie’s wardrobe was 60% trenchcoats
@drskyskull: "It keeps the generator running, or it gets the hose again!"
@lousycanuck: I’ll teach you to keep the generator on! First you throw yourself into this shelf, like so! Now try it yourself.
@szvan: In 1960, foley had no recordings of glass breaking. Hurray for modern improvements!
@BenZvan: Missile Tits FTW!
@szvan: We’ll fix your face, and while you’re under anesthetic, we’ll implant these cones in your chest.
@blakestacey: Yeah, they bought all this lab equipment off that guy who kept his wife’s head alive in a roasting pan.
@RelUnrelated: The light "tap tap" of a sledgehammer… So soothing.
@blakestacey: "Now, to give the Machine-Man your face!"
@brx0: A secret door, and now we’re in a nightclub. Secret lab architecture fail? Jump cut fail? Censoring for US viewers fail?
@lousycanuck: "Now… I’m sure I left Al Capone’s vault around here somewhere…"
@RelUnrelated: Is she an escaped extra from Star Trek?
@blakestacey: Who pushed the DEMO button for the burlesque show?
@DrRubidium: Sorry, why are we in the Copacabana?
@BenZvan: Na na na na na na na na… na na na na na na na! Tequila!
@szvan: We couldn’t afford Josephine Baker, but we’re really hoping you’ll settle for this costume.
@Mechelle_68: They don’t dress bartenders like that anymore.
@blakestacey: "I won’t be long now – yeah – yeah – yeah!"
@drskyskull: So… the tunnel in the wall leads to a Latin music club?
@RelUnrelated: I can’t tell if he’s a bartender or a pharmacist.
@brx0: And the boyfriend who dumped our heroine for dancing is hanging out in the nightclub ogling someone else. Future senator?
@lousycanuck: "So, are you supposed to give her a dollar, or…? What kind of club is this again? Do you just put it under a feather, or what?"
@blakestacey: A-and back to the oscilloscopes!
@DrRubidium: BEWARE THE BUBBLING ROUND BOTTOM FLASK!!!
@blakestacey: I’m starting to doubt that this movie was actually "edited".
@RelUnrelated: Silly doctor; always expecting instant gratification.
@blakestacey: "What do we do?" "Derma injection!" "You mean, what we planned all along?"
@lousycanuck: Why’d they need a scalpel to give her an injection? I’m starting to question this doctor’s medical credentials!
@blakestacey: The burlesque dancer is wearing a kimono wrap, but she should be wearing a trenchcoat.
@szvan: Yep, even the waiter is wearing a trenchcoat.
@Mechelle_68: Now we know where they get the cadavers.
@drskyskull: "Let me give you a lift in my car!" He had to specify "car" after the unsettling ostrich ride the night before.
@blakestacey: "It’ll take months to prepare enough serum." *snicker*
@DrRubidium: We’ll have to kill her?! First do no harm, doctor!
@RelUnrelated: Derma 57 ends up much spicier.
@blakestacey: She’s transforming into Captain Kirk’s girl of the week!
@brx0: FX sequence with the fake scar disappearing. Actually ok for 1960 FX.
@drskyskull: "Okay, you’re hot enough now *not* to kill!"
@DrRubidium: Never had a moment’s doubt? Crazy scientist sidekick! Bitch, who are you kidding?!
@brx0: So the mad scientist has his moment of victory and immediately demands booze. Doctors…
@RelUnrelated: Funny, though. The doctor doesn’t really *look* much like John Derek.
@brx0: And the crazy assistant takes her hairnet off and wants to get romantic right there in the lab. This won’t end well.
@blakestacey: "First, take her upstairs." "Well, you don’t waste *any* time, do you, Doc?"
@brx0: Also, now our heroine is all purty and blonde, and the assistant is brunette with glasses. Did I mention this film is Italian?
@szvan: I don’t remember getting a hospital bed quite that fancy. Of course, I didn’t get atomic injections either.
@Mechelle_68: "Does it please you?" "Yes… but, we can’t go on like this. It’s bigger than both of us. All three of us."
@lousycanuck: "Will there be after-effects now? How long until the monkey I grafted onto her left boob regains consciousness?"
@DrRubidium: I’m hot again! I’m hot again!
@drskyskull: "Oh, my God, look at me in the mirror – I’m still hideous! Oh, wait, that’s you."
@DrRubidium: that’s not how I thank my doctor ;)
@lousycanuck: I’m so pretty! Thank you doctor! Let’s have sex. Your assistant can watch.
@brx0: Crazy assistant does a really great jealous glare, gotta give her that.
@DrRubidium: Look, blondy, you’re marked for death – you know that, right?
@brx0: From zero to "I keeeel U" in half a second.
@szvan: Yeah, didn’t get a hospital gown quite like that either. But I didn’t have to pay for my treatment in kisses.
@brx0: And cut to the MS putting the moves on our heroine, while Monique is off doing lab work and crying.
@blakestacey: "Don’t you want to laugh and sing with joy?" "Not with this script."
@lousycanuck: "Don’t you feel happy? Isn’t attractiveness the only thing you need to be happy?" "Well, that, and more booze. MUCH more."
@DrRubidium: Monique – sister, you need to get over the mad scientist. He’s just not that into you.
@blakestacey: She’s sleeping in half of a 1950s married couple’s bedroom!
@DrRubidium: So the mad scientist is also a creepy skivvy perv? Great.
@blakestacey: [sings] "You can see cleee-early now, the scars are gone."
@Mechelle_68: "You love me, you must know you love me… It says so in the bible!"
@lousycanuck: You are nothing if not mine, you belong to me. Until you turn ugly again. Then I rent you out to the neighbors.
@drskyskull: "Something very urgent" – and he’s grabbing a bottle of pills. The doctor is "Smiling Bob"?
@brx0: Meanwhile Monique looks to be putting the moves on Igor, I mean Sacha. Who’s reasonably dishy as far as Igors go.
@brx0: They were even listening to records together. Stupid hipsters.
@Mechelle_68: He put ecstasy in her drink. She’s gonna lose her atomic virginity.
@DrRubidium: Jeanette, what’s wrong with you is that you’re a captive of a crazy scientist!
@BenZvan: "I don’t understand" I don’t either. Neither did the editor, or the writer, or…
@drskyskull: "You’re very tired." Damn community college hypnosis classes!
@drskyskull: "Monique! If I say your name enough times, perhaps it will get through to you!"
@lousycanuck: Monique! I cannot date-rape this woman without you! I give you my word, believe me!
@brx0: Aaand Monique wants to quit, but will help if the MS agrees to dump our heroine. Italy, remember?
@blakestacey: I’m detecting a distinct lack of Vampire in this movie.
@DrRubidium: Uh-oh. Derma 25!!!!!!!!!!
@Mechelle_68: Radiation? Wow! Without markers, even! Impressive.
@BenZvan: There’s always surgery, and then surgery, and then surgery again!!!
@blakestacey: Derma-28 is adrenochrome, then?
@drskyskull: "Oh, surgery is your solution to *everything*!!!"
@DrRubidium: Good for you, Monique!
@szvan: Ooh, flashing lights! Now we’re going high tech!
@brx0: So he goes, we’re out of serum, let’s try radiation! Gotta love 1960.
@drskyskull: This is looking less like a vampire movie and more like an Italian soap opera.
@blakestacey: "Yes, I’m infatuated, but it will pass, like that kidney stone."
@DrRubidium: "I want to dominate the girl"?! Monique, you need to RUN!
@brx0: The MS wants Monique to help him overcome his infatuation with our heroine. Maybe he’s a future senator too.
@drskyskull: "I will forget her… whatever her name is. See – it’s happening already!!!"
@lousycanuck: I would kill a thousand times before I would admit defeat! Well, in a video game. I faint when I see blood.
@Mechelle_68: "But Monique… it meant nothing! You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted to mutate!"
@drskyskull: Whenever I see a kissing scene like that, I always imagine slurping noises.
@Mechelle_68: Did he really just grope her boob?
@blakestacey: "We’re here from the Noir Squad."
@DrRubidium: At this point, I want the mad scientist to die a horrible death, Jeannette to go away, and Monique to wake up and smell the Sanka.
@Mechelle_68: Sacha wants to hit some of that.
@brx0: Monique runs off… He needs a young female donor, she happens to be young and female. I think I know where this is going…
@brx0: Ok, didn’t realize Sacha was mute. I guess non-speaking parts help keep the budget down.
@brx0: Heroine is the best charades guesser ever.
@Mechelle_68: Yeah Monique definitely looks more dead with the specs on.
@DrRubidium: Sure, Monique dies. The one 1/2 way decent person in this flick
@drskyskull: Coroner diagnoses her death by "fatal fashion error", referring to the glasses.
@blakestacey: "Yep, definitely lupus."
@brx0: It’s alibi time. Nobody seems too upset about Monique.
@szvan: Am I the only person who keeps seeing Will Ferrell in the doctor?
@Mechelle_68: "Professor, I’d say I know you intimately." Did Prof just get excited?
@blakestacey: "I’ve added you to my ‘intimate’ circle on Google Plus."
@brx0: And now it’s the sciency technobabble bit, starting with Hiroshima.
@drskyskull: "I want to make a *ten-headed frog*!!!"
@blakestacey: "Imagine – if we could just make up science as we went along!"
@DrRubidium: Exploit the horror – this movie’s got a philosophical message! That’s good, because it’s got nearly no plot.
@drskyskull: "They’re in this album. Just flip past the vintage Victorian erotica."
@brx0: And now we’re looking at a photo album. Our movie’s stock footage bit, I guess.
@blakestacey: Yep, it’s Junior’s Little Book of Hiroshima Horrors!
@drskyskull: "The relationship between body and soul has not yet been established." It’s listed on Facebook as "It’s complicated".
@szvan: Just between us men, we can discuss radiation burns in a purely theoretical manner, like grown-ups.
@RelUnrelated: Was that a scream or a police siren?
@BenZvan: Stop! Stop! I’m a sailor, not a doctor!
@DrRubidium: I’ve seen better acting on a reality TV show
@szvan: Well, at least it wasn’t the Wilhelm scream.
@drskyskull: So, the lady is disfigured in a horrible car accident off a cliff – and the professor takes her for a ride by the cliffs.
@DrRubidium: Jeannette, you ARE a prisoner. Come on, you can’t be this dumb!
@szvan: But dear, you adored me when it meant you could shut out Monique! What’s wrong now?
@brx0: Dontcha hate it when romantic drives in the country are interrupted by radio reports about your latest victim? A real mood killer.
@Mechelle_68: "My face, it’s burning… just like Harry Potter’s scar!"
@drskyskull: No wonder this doctor is confused – his internal dialogue is rather muffled.
@blakestacey: Nice of them to recap the movie in voice-over form for us there.
@DrRubidium: What the hell is distilling in the background? I hope it’s booze, cause I need a drink
@szvan: Who knew that the voices in your head would be muffled as though they were being played directly into a cavernous studio?
@Mechelle_68: "I don’t want to kill again but… god told me to."
@brx0: And he’s injecting himself now. He forgot the first rule of drugs, don’t use the product.
@Mechelle_68: He’s mutating… oh it’s SO on!
@szvan: Vampirism – the new cure for baldness!
@brx0: Ooh, he’s transforming into Mr. Hyde, I mean, the wolfman, I mean, I dunno what I mean…
@blakestacey: "He chose… poorly."
@DrRubidium: When did this become a zombie movie? And where the fuck are the vampires?!
@drskyskull: Oh, crap, the doc’s going all Juggalo!!!
@blakestacey: "Get… the… Ponds Institute… on the line…"
@RelUnrelated: "Is this movie in 3D?" – "No, but your face is."
@lousycanuck: "You know, I really like this desk. But the blotter… it puts me to sleep. And also makes me a vampire."
@brx0: So he grabs a scalpel and heads off to play serial killer for a bit. Doctors…
@lousycanuck: That’s the most ineffective scream-muffling ever performed by any vampire ever.
@drskyskull: Seriously, if you’re response to a stranger saying "Come here, I’ll give you whatever you like", is "Okay!", you deserve death.
@szvan: So now we know that vampire hands are completely ineffective at dampening noise. It’s science, I tell you.
@blakestacey: Set SCIENCE MACHINE to full rotate!
@DrRubidium: WE NEED MORE FOG!
@Mechelle_68: That’s one serious working bong.
@brx0: Fortunately the ugly suit steams right off.
@szvan: The facial deformity is reversible, but I still need a haircut.
@lousycanuck: "Man, that Cone of Silence works so much better as a mutation-reversing machine. Also, I’m minty-fresh now!"
@drskyskull: Mirror inspector here… yep, this one’s okay.
@lousycanuck: I’ve already solved this problem. I need three tuning forks, a milk bottle, a Mexican wrestler, and NO QUESTIONS.
@blakestacey: "You’ll never understand how much it cost me to cure you. $11.43 at LEAST."
@brx0: And the MS puts the moves on our heroine again. All this and he *still* isn’t getting any. Mad scientist fail.
@lousycanuck: CUT!! Throw the shawl TOWARD the camera, not OVER it! How’s the audience supposed to ogle you!
@drskyskull: She’s wearing horizontal strips to look wider and less appealing to the doctor.
@brx0: Cute vintage sweater though.
@BenZvan: I wonder if Igor got residuals for those mumbles…
@Mechelle_68: Sacha’s such a suck-up.
@szvan: "Yes, doctor, I know you used to be my rival for Monique, but all that ended when you killed her. Now I’m loyal to you only." WTF?
@brx0: Our heroine tries to write a letter to old BF, but Igor rats her out. Bastard. She even paid him and everything.
@DrRubidium: Jeannette, why would you trust creepy Igor-like guy? Really?!
@blakestacey: Whoa, the building has a forcefield.
@DrRubidium: Yep, let me go smoke my cigarette in the dark, away from my friends.
@Mechelle_68: Damn him… He ruined a perfectly good smoke.
@lousycanuck: Nothing could possibly go wrong if I go sit alone in the dark at night with a monster around. Doo-dee-doo… AAH!
@drskyskull: Oh, crap, he knows what I did last summer!!!
@brx0: Ok, the mad scientist monster strikes again. I like how he wears a hoodie. Again, not so inconspicuous.
@DrRubidium: Is it just me, or have they not explained why human blood is helping the zombie looking vampires?
@szvan: @DrRubidium Explain? What is this explanation of which you speak?
@blakestacey: This movie is so un-vampire-ful, all it’s missing is sparkles.
@drskyskull: "A planet where apes become dermatologists?"
@lousycanuck: "WTF? Why do I look like a werewolf? I’m a VAMPIRE! Stupid mirror, you must be broken! I’ll break you but good!!!"
@brx0: And now he breaks a mirror, just like our heroine did in the beginning. Parallels! Artsy!
@blakestacey: "If I destroy the mirror, I can’t see my reflection, making me THAT MUCH MORE a real vampire."
@szvan: No, doc, I’m not sneaking out with all my luggage under my skirt. It just naturally stands out like that.
@blakestacey: Got a Ligeti etude on the soundtrack here.
@Mechelle_68: Is it bad I was distracted by the new Conan preview? Couldn’t help it. He was hot and there… there was sex!
@lousycanuck: "I’m ready to go. I’m ALWAYS ready to go." "HEY!" "Ah great, squeaky’s here. Pretend you don’t hear her."
@DrRubidium: "Am I wrong or are you getting fatter?" is not a good pick-up line
@brx0: And the sleazy old sailor boyfriend is hitting the club again, chatting up the dancers. Douchebag.
@szvan: What? My clapping is making no noise? I’d better stop.
@drskyskull: I’m expecting him to break into a Shatner-esque version of "Rocketman".
@Mechelle_68: "It reminds you of her, doesn’t it?" "Yes, it’s putting me to sleep just like she always did."
@brx0: Aww, a quick shot of a cat, down at the docks. Aww, show more of the cat…
@DrRubidium: The gratuitous use of trench coats must end!
@RelUnrelated: Calgon… I mean… Pierre! Take me away!
@lousycanuck: "Joke’s on you. I can hold my breath for ten minutes."
@brx0: And the MS and Igor kidnap our heroine just as she met up with douchey old BF.
@drskyskull: "That, Pierre – exactly that sort of shit is what I’m frightened of!"
@szvan: No, really, dear. It’s better he was knocked out before your skin went bad again. Really, all for the best.
@brx0: And BF is dealing with the world’s most skeptical cops evar.
@DrRubidium: Why the fuck are all the rooms in the movie dark? How does anyone get work done?
@szvan: She’s not missing! I… just… don’t know where she is.
@brx0: Fortunately an abandoned stolen car leads to a break in the case. The MS isn’t a very talented criminal, first bodies, now this.
@lousycanuck: "On one condition. That I won’t tell you until you agree to it."
@blakestacey: "We’re off to see Dr. Know. There’s nothing he doesn’t."
@DrRubidium: The trench coats! The trench coats!
@szvan: At least there’s a lab coat for variety.
@Mechelle_68: Lab coats… trench coats… I see a pattern forming, here.
@drskyskull: I’m always nervous when a male scientist keeps one hand permanently in his lab coat pocket.
@BenZvan: "When we met each other that time before… under those unfortunate circumstances" That’s not telegraphing anything… nooooo!
@brx0: Never accept a drink from a mad scientist.
@DrRubidium: Don’t drink ANYTHING a mad scientist gives you, ever!
@lousycanuck: "May I offer you a drink, inspector? Say… where’d you get that coat? What a snappy trenchcoat. Wish I had – oh wait."
@blakestacey: "You don’t have to blow smoke under my nose." "Sorry, I just figured, since the room is freakin’ SATURATED."
@blakestacey: "Hey, let’s drop the word ‘vampire’ into the movie. That’ll justify the title."
@drskyskull: "One might say, a vampire of the atom age. I wouldn’t – I’d say an exceptionally hirsute psychopath."
@brx0: And all this talk about atomic monsters, right off the bat? From cops? Occam’s razor fail.
@brx0: Douchey BF obviously wasn’t briefed on the whole "let the mad scientist talk" Columbo act.
@szvan: Oh, it’s killing me not to brag! If only my accomplishments hadn’t involved killing all those people!
@lousycanuck: "Yeah, sure, come on with us Doc. If you want, when we get back to the squad car, I’ll even let you turn on the siren."
@Mechelle_68: Sacha is missing HIS trench coat.
@DrRubidium: This movie could also be called "Atom Age Trench Coats".
@lousycanuck: He’s a flower gardener in his spare time. That’s what passes for character development in this movie.
@blakestacey: "Of course, the plants *would* grow better if there were ever any sunlight in this movie."
@DrRubidium: Sweet MOTHER. The mad scientist is wearing a lab coat and a trench coat!
@drskyskull: @DrRubidium Ha! One can never have too many coats.
@brx0: There really ought to be a giant atomic plant in this greenhouse. Just sayin’.
@drskyskull: @brx0 I was thinking it could use a few triffids, maybe an Audrey II in the corner for color.
@blakestacey: "What is the purpose of this autopsy?" "Barbecue!"
@lousycanuck: "Cigarette?" "Not now. I just had a pack ten minutes ago."
@DrRubidium: You stupid bitch. Sacha is not on your side!
@drskyskull: @Mechelle_68 That’s how you *know* Sacha is crazy!
@brx0: Most baroque crazy window bars ever. Does IKEA carry those?
@Mechelle_68: The windows never have glass. They have aluminum bars… but never glass.
@blakestacey: "Sacha! Sacha! Sacha!" "What are you shouting for?" "I thought that would have been obvious."
@brx0: The MS tells our heroine that douchebag BF won’t want her once her scars come back. You gotta admit he has a point.
@Mechelle_68: "My word was good enough for presidency. It should be good for you, too!"
@DrRubidium: Is it wrong that I’d like both Jeanette and the mad scientist to die horribly?
@lousycanuck: Okay, he gave you back the gun. Use it to shoot him, apply the Derma 28 yourself, and be on your merry way.
@drskyskull: "What is it, Sacha? Timmy fell in the well?"
@brx0: More charades with Igor. The MS isn’t so good with charades.
@blakestacey: The fact that this movie is in the public domain is an argument in favour of copyright law.
@drskyskull: "Remember I gave you my word. That word is ‘topiary’. Don’t lose it."
@Mechelle_68: There ya go. The origin of Stockholm Syndrome.
@blakestacey: "I’m not really a policeman." "At least you’ve got the coat for one."
@szvan: If we kill them all, can we have Monique back? At least she grew a backbone before she died.
@brx0: Douchey BF arrives, alone, and announces he isn’t a cop. He’s kind of a dim bulb, isn’t he?
@BenZvan: I am clearly not wearing enough trench coats for this movie.
@lousycanuck: I was attacked from behind. By ten guys. With nunchucks. I totally beat up three of them before they overwhelmed me.
@BenZvan: I’m not just a scientist and a doctor… I’m also a psychiatrist!!!
@lousycanuck: Maybe it was an attempted robbery. By ninjas.
@blakestacey: "No, I wasn’t drinking. I spent all my whisky money on cigarettes."
@szvan: I love her too much. I know, because she no longer has that pesky career since she’s disfigured.
@lousycanuck: An entirely different woman! I replaced all her parts with ones from the morgue.
@drskyskull: "There’s nothing I can do for you. Certainly can’t improve *your* appearance."
@DrRubidium: A trench coat and a pipe!
@brx0: Movie fog!
@lousycanuck: Sacha really needs to lean into that gate to make sure it’s totally closed. He’s particularly weak for a mute evil henchman.
@blakestacey: Did the label on the azaleas really merit a music sting?
@drskyskull: "I have to do what no man has ever done before for the women he loved." Laundry.
@szvan: "What do you mean – the truth?" "Nothing much. Just ratcheting up the tension. Well, trying to anyway."
@blakestacey: Meanwhile, Ness and his men speed towards Capone’s hideout.
@RelUnrelated: Oh, they is such stealthy followers!
@drskyskull: Oh, crap, the Doc is an extra in that Apple "1984" commercial.
@brx0: The MS is off to see a movie. A movie within a movie! Meta!
@szvan: I’m sorry. This theater has a strict "trenchcoats only" dress policy.
@brx0: ZOMFG they’re smoking in the movie theater. SciFi indeed.
@blakestacey: [sings] Let’s go out to the lobby, let’s go out to the lobby, and steal ourselves a gland…
@brx0: So the violent movie was to get psyched up for his next rampage. Is this sort of like the kids and videogames thing?
@lousycanuck: Oh fuck yes! Get the bastard, Fido! Eat him! EAT HIM!!!
@brx0: And he gets chased off by the family dog. Not much of a movie monster, is he?
@drskyskull: Doc is climbing to escape. Soon they’ll send in the biplanes to take ‘em down.
@blakestacey: Meanwhile, Ness and his men slowly cruise for chicks.
@lousycanuck: "He didn’t move once! He’s still in there now, in fact!" *checks* Dun dun dun… AN EMPTY TRENCHCOAT!!!
@szvan: This movie does at least show that no good can come from cigarettes. #win?
@brx0: Undercover cop fail. One steps out for cigs, while the other puts the moves on his lady friend, while the MS slips out.
@blakestacey: "I stepped out for cigaretttes" "He was wearing a trenchcoat." This movie is mocking itself by now.
@szvan: It’s so nice that the theater has a sound-amplifying floor in the aisles.
@DrRubidium: The coroner has the worst fake beard in the history of movies.
@drskyskull: I think they got Sigmund Freud to do the cameo as the coroner.
@drskyskull: "I don’t want to lose her." Well, hovering over her bed while she sleeps is a good first step, I guess.
@brx0: And now the MS hams it up, while his conscience does an agonized voiceover…
@blakestacey: Ah, the return of the famous Mad Scientist Bedside Manner.
@szvan: I can’t go with you. I’m far too dressed.
@drskyskull: "I’ve unleashed a horrible force within me." He joined the GOP!!!
@lousycanuck: "Scream no if you’ll stay with me forever!"
@szvan: Scary I could handle. Ugly? Dude, I don’t know.
@brx0: And she’s horrified by his appearance. Ah, so now the upper hand is on the other foot!
@drskyskull: When does he start singing, "Music of the Night"?
@drskyskull: Okay, I make a Phantom of the Opera reference, and 10 secs later, the doc says, "That’s all I ask of you"? #Imgood
@blakestacey: "I once had pity, but I had it surgically removed."
@szvan: Ah, I see why she could handle scary. Creepy ex-BF just hangs around outside places that remind him of her.
@drskyskull: She’s really horrified because she’s wondering why his palms got so hairy.
@Mechelle_68: @drskyskull We KNOW why his palms are hairy…
@lousycanuck: "Come away with me! We’ll make such horribly deformed children!" "AAH AHH AHH oh!"
@brx0: Yeah, knock the lights off the wall while fleeing, so it’s all dark and crap. Good plan.
@drskyskull: "Oh, Pierre? Well, this is awkward."
@DrRubidium: Jeanette, where is the gun? Now would be a good time to use it.
@RelUnrelated: The water in that vase was FILTHY!
@lousycanuck: Suddenly I’m reminded of the Captain Kirk / Gorn fight for some reason.
@DrRubidium: Jeanette, hit the mad scientist over the head with something! Don’t just stand there you useless bitch!
@szvan: Can I kill Jeanette and keep the creepy ex instead? He’s at least swinging vaguely in the right direction to defend himself.
@brx0: Not a very talented fistfight, this.
@drskyskull: So, does the "atom age vampire" have any other powers than spontaneous hairiness?
@DrRubidium: She faints?! Are you kidding me?
@drskyskull: @DrRubidium Ladies pre-1950s would just snap in and out of consciousness without warning.
@brx0: And, in movie convention #37, our heroine faints and the monster carries her off, while BF is knocked out. Surprise!!!
@blakestacey: "Wait, why am I carrying this chick around? She is pretty much useless, after all."
@lousycanuck: SACHA. YOU MUST BARGLE FLURDLE PLOUS
@drskyskull: Sacha is just enjoying that, for once, he’s the guy that doesn’t understand what the other guy is trying to say.
@RelUnrelated: All the smoking has ruined his voice!
@brx0: I like how the cops machine gun the greenhouse as a warning. We’ve got cops like those here in Portland actually.
@blakestacey: "NO! They’re firing strangely laser-like sound effects!"
@szvan: "Darling, will you still love me when I’m hideous?" "Er, sorry. I don’t think so."
@drskyskull: OMG, he’s transforming into something even *more* hideous!!!
@DrRubidium: Gotta be honest, I wanted Jeanette to die.
@brx0: And it’s curtains for the monster, who (of course) reverts to mad scientist form, just so they can use those fancy FX again.
@BenZvan: Church bells are the perfect cure-all!
@DrRubidium: The real victim here (besides us) is Sacha.
@drskyskull: What the detective doesn’t realize? The vampire was created by excessive *smoking*.
@RelUnrelated: Is the soundtrack available on 8-track and vinyl?
@Mechelle_68: @RelUnrelated I think that soundtrack can only be played on a gramophone.
@drskyskull: And we end on a horrifying shot of… flowers. *Think about it*!!!
@lousycanuck: The flowers were symbolic of how short-lived beauty can… oh fuck it. Go smoke.
@brx0: And "The End" and that’s that. Google is asking me if I want to play it again… Nah, I’m good.
@DrRubidium: And now I must find a trench coat style lab coat…
@lousycanuck: Well then. Of all the movies I’ve watched, that was definitely one of them.
@DrRubidium: Another successful MockTM! And by successful, I mean the movie was bad but the tweets were sooo good!
@DrRubidium: So fans, what did we learn? Besides always have a trench coat handy…
@szvan: @DrRubidium Actually, I think the lesson was that a trench coat will always be available to you, wherever you are.
@blakestacey: It may now be time for me to confess: I own… two trenchcoats.
@szvan: @blakestacey But do you smoke?
Jan 04 2014
The lost Mock The Movie transcript: Atom Age Vampire
Holy crap, look what we found. This is our second-ever Mock The Movie, which, counting the do-over of Sands of Oblivion, means we have every single Mock The Movie transcript! Thanks again to CA7746 for reparsing the original logs into something useable for the web and for subtitle files. They’ll be added to the main page shortly.