Sep 12 2013

Mock The Movie: Deep Blue Sea transcript

While updating the Mock The Movie page. I realized that I’d neglected to post the transcript for Deep Blue Sea. It’s a movie about sharks genetically engineered to be super-intelligent.

Get it? Like Deep Blue, the IBM supercomputer?

Sigh. Too hip for the shark crowd, I guess.

@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ooh look, a water effect on the title. You know this one is going to get some extra attention from the CG folk.
2013-08-08 01:01:34
@szvan: @MockTM All right. Let’s see just how smart these sharks are. I won’t stand for any plot points requiring them to make dumb decisions.
2013-08-08 01:01:42
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, noes! Peoples being sexies! Must punish!
2013-08-08 01:02:12
@drskyskull: @MockTM Wouldn’t be a shark movie without naughty youths making out near/in the water.
2013-08-08 01:02:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey, this is the opening to every horror film I’ve ever seen. Why do something original here?
2013-08-08 01:03:04
@szvan: @MockTM It’s good thing sharks rely on that keen sense of sight, yeah?
2013-08-08 01:03:08
@szvan: @MockTM See? Teddy’s fine. Just go in the water.
2013-08-08 01:03:38
@drskyskull: @MockTM NOOO — NOT THE TEDDY BEAR! He was the most likable character so far!
2013-08-08 01:03:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Protip: sharks don’t smell blood, they smell alcohol, thus most shark victims are drunk.
2013-08-08 01:03:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, I’m'a call that guy Ahab the rest of the movie.
2013-08-08 01:04:52
@drskyskull: @MockTM Thomas Jane: THE SHARK PUNISHER
2013-08-08 01:04:53
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, well, if he’s in charge, she’ll have carte blanche.
2013-08-08 01:06:11
@DrRubidium: @MockTM FYI: yes, she IS the British villain in this flix
2013-08-08 01:06:25
@drskyskull: @MockTM I know I was supposed to be listening to the dialogue, but I was obsessed with figuring out the artwork behind them.
2013-08-08 01:06:56
@CA7746: @MockTM Awfully evasive. He did *something*. What sort of people did he save SOME of? #Suspicious
2013-08-08 01:07:10
@CA7746: @MockTM Spared no expense.
2013-08-08 01:07:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Aquatic pens, underwater labs, projects translating dolphin speech, giant submarines…”
2013-08-08 01:08:00
@DrRubidium: @MockTM #sharknado had better CGI than this movie
2013-08-08 01:08:34
@CA7746: @MockTM Janice Higgins, just arrived through the stargate.
2013-08-08 01:08:51
@drskyskull: @MockTM “I’m tired of these motherfucking sharks in this motherfucking underwater facility!” #SomeoneHadToSayIt
2013-08-08 01:09:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I call this one a shiger. Part shark part tiger.”
2013-08-08 01:09:24
@drskyskull: @MockTM Thomas Jane: THE SHARK WHISPERER
2013-08-08 01:10:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh don’t mind him. He gives everyone license plates. It’s how he says hello.”
2013-08-08 01:11:20
@szvan: @MockTM Yes, it’s very smart for sharks to attack creatures they don’t like to eat.
2013-08-08 01:11:34
@CA7746: @MockTM Normal sharks. I’m sure we’ll seem THEM again. #Doubtful
2013-08-08 01:11:46
@CA7746: @MockTM No, no. He’s… using fluid dynamics to monitor air currents.
2013-08-08 01:12:58
@DrRubidium: @MockTM at this stage I’m totally hoping most of the people working this weekend get taken out
2013-08-08 01:13:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “He’s pissing into the wind. How brilliant can he be?” “Well, he’s the most brilliant man to sign for THIS movie at least.”
2013-08-08 01:13:21
@szvan: @MockTM “Hey, we got this great script for you. We’re gonna have you stand around, and everyone will *explain* things to you. Huh?”
2013-08-08 01:14:58
@drskyskull: @MockTM So, “Let’s build our intelligent murder shark lab underwater” is this film’s “Let’s underpay the guy who designed our computers.”
2013-08-08 01:15:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hang on, gotta check the oil on this shark brain. It’s almost due for a change.
2013-08-08 01:15:27
@DrRubidium: @MockTM There are two famous black people in this movie so you know one of them is going to die soon
2013-08-08 01:15:38
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, that’s sanitary. No salmonella there.
2013-08-08 01:17:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Parrot is the most likeable character so far. Because we haven’t met the sharks yet.
2013-08-08 01:17:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So I bet they’re thinking if they eat that third shark, they get more of the food to split between them.
2013-08-08 01:18:57
@DrRubidium: @MockTM the looping on Carter’s voice is OUT OF CONTROL
2013-08-08 01:19:25
@CA7746: @MockTM Sharks hacked the intercom. It’s a TRAP!
2013-08-08 01:19:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Vodka. Straight.” “Lucky that’s the only thing we have.”
2013-08-08 01:20:04
@CA7746: @MockTM Avalanche? I was hoping for abominable experiments… wait, white folks!
2013-08-08 01:20:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Sharks never get cancer or go blind or end up in homes or get stuck in dead-end jobs in cubicles or oh god I wish I was a shark.”
2013-08-08 01:21:20
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Sharks never get cancer.” AAAAAAARRRGGHGHGHHGHG!
2013-08-08 01:21:24
@CA7746: @MockTM Sharks predated cyanobacteria? Good to know.
2013-08-08 01:21:48
@drskyskull: @MockTM @lousycanuck “Sharks also never: juggle, ride unicycles, or hitchhike across country.”
2013-08-08 01:22:25
@DrRubidium: @MockTM unfortunately, this movie’s writers got all their shark facts from @Discovery #SharkWeek
2013-08-08 01:23:06
@drskyskull: @MockTM This movie is a lot more fun if you interpret it as Thomas Jane’s “Punisher” origin story.
2013-08-08 01:23:10
@szvan: @MockTM Plot point!
2013-08-08 01:24:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ooh, a secret key. Wanna bet it’s the key to HER HEART?
2013-08-08 01:24:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wow. It’s nice. Not as nice as this helicarrier I use now and again, but…”
2013-08-08 01:25:01
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Yes. Drink first, then go work with engineered sharks.
2013-08-08 01:25:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well that’ll learn ya for running your video feeds through easily nommable cables inside the shark tank.
2013-08-08 01:26:42
@szvan: @MockTM “Let’s try to stay focused, people, on…something other than what we just saw.”
2013-08-08 01:26:49
@CA7746: @MockTM This is all an elaborate psych experiment on the diver isn’t it?
2013-08-08 01:27:01
@rvitelli: @drskyskull @MockTM @lousycanuck A little more genetic tinkering is needed, then.
2013-08-08 01:27:07
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Maybe we shouldn’t have disguised our shark cameras as tuna.”
2013-08-08 01:27:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah that’s super smart, shark. Fall for the decoy. Good job. Next you’ll fall for the laxative in the coffee trick.
2013-08-08 01:28:25
@szvan: @MockTM Awww. She does like him after all!
2013-08-08 01:28:35
2013-08-08 01:28:57
@szvan: @MockTM I’m confused. Am I supposed to be rooting for the shark here?
2013-08-08 01:30:57
@CA7746: @MockTM She’s tamping in sharkie’s brain.
2013-08-08 01:31:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh relax people, this isn’t brain surgery.
2013-08-08 01:31:56
@szvan: @MockTM Now we go pump this into our captive Alzheimer’s patients.
2013-08-08 01:32:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And what you’re looking for here is a nice caramel brown colour, don’t let the ganglia get too crispy.”
2013-08-08 01:32:24
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Well, we’ve created a superintelligent shark. Wait, why the hell were we doing this, again?”
2013-08-08 01:32:31
@DrRubidium: @MockTM what’s the worse that could happen? This. This is the worst that can happen.
2013-08-08 01:32:46
@DrRubidium: @MockTM like @szvan, I’m rooting for the sharks
2013-08-08 01:33:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM She’s on the side of the sharks! YES! I like her now!
2013-08-08 01:34:23
@szvan: @MockTM Damn. When did the sharks learn to control the weather?!
2013-08-08 01:35:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Atlantis is submerging! But we don’t have the Zed Pee Ems to power this!
2013-08-08 01:35:48
@DrRubidium: @MockTM The single most honest line in any sci-fi or horror movie EVA. She is a stupid bitch and I’d have kicked her ass in the water
2013-08-08 01:36:28
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, it’s another plot coincidence.
2013-08-08 01:37:33
2013-08-08 01:38:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Someone was trying to draw alchemy symbols on the floor in dude’s blood. That’ll help.
2013-08-08 01:38:18
@szvan: @MockTM “Well, you see, we wanted explosions. We couldn’t come up with a good way to work them into a shark plot, but who’ll notice?”
2013-08-08 01:39:34
@CA7746: @MockTM The End
2013-08-08 01:39:44
@DrRubidium: @MockTM if you think of this movie as poor, tortured sharks trying to escape an evil British supervillain, it makes perfect sense
2013-08-08 01:39:49
@drskyskull: @MockTM Hmm. Maybe they shouldn’t have stored their dynamite, gasoline and nitroglycerine all together on the surface.
2013-08-08 01:39:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well at least Punisher is still alive. Thank goodness for that.
2013-08-08 01:41:28
@CA7746: @MockTM Okay, who went into the sphere!?
2013-08-08 01:41:34
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Vengeance is mine, sayeth the elasmobranch!”
2013-08-08 01:41:45
@szvan: @MockTM I like the way the water just spurts at the door, like spray on a beach.
2013-08-08 01:42:19
@drskyskull: @MockTM It’s like the base was deliberately designed to be a death trap!
2013-08-08 01:43:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM We have to travel through the shark tank to get to the surface!
2013-08-08 01:43:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We take the right entry, through the genetically enhanced jellyfish tank, then over to the giant mutant waterbears.”
2013-08-08 01:44:09
@szvan: @MockTM Dramatic but not the best use of your last air.
2013-08-08 01:44:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I wonder which one of the sharks will turn out to be secretly on the humans’ side.
2013-08-08 01:46:10
@szvan: @MockTM I guess those sharks aren’t so smart as to understand FIRE now, huh?
2013-08-08 01:46:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Bird went up. That means you can climb.
2013-08-08 01:46:47
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I bet if the humans gave the sharks the evil British one, they’d go away
2013-08-08 01:47:08
@drskyskull: @MockTM @lousycanuck … or which of the humans will turn out to be on the sharks’ side.
2013-08-08 01:47:15
@rvitelli: @lousycanuck @MockTM The shark with the gruff exterior and a heart of gold, of course.
2013-08-08 01:47:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @drskyskull We already know the British lady has shark sympathies.
2013-08-08 01:48:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We could wipe out degenerative brain disease by turning patients into man-eating landsharks.”
2013-08-08 01:48:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM NOOO don’t turn on each other, you’ll never survive the shark attack now! Hmm. On second thought, keep arguing.
2013-08-08 01:49:09
@CA7746: @MockTM Use gene therapy to cure blindness: everyone cheers. But ya make 3 hyperintelligent sharks, and suddenly you’re playing god…
2013-08-08 01:49:11
@szvan: @MockTM I don’t think he understands how food chains work.
2013-08-08 01:49:12
@DrRubidium: @lousycanuck @MockTM didn’t SNL cover that in the 70s? #landshark
2013-08-08 01:49:15
@drskyskull: @MockTM Why does the general public fear scientists? MOVIES LIKE THIS ONE.
2013-08-08 01:49:36
@CA7746: @MockTM Hey. Maybe that killing machine is capable of diplomacy now.
2013-08-08 01:50:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh a Playboy magazine. Handy distraction, shark! Very clever!
2013-08-08 01:50:17
@szvan: @MockTM The sharks aren’t so smart they don’t understand that THEME MUSIC GIVES THEM AWAY, huh?
2013-08-08 01:50:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You’re gonna need a bigger frying pan.
2013-08-08 01:50:36
@DrRubidium: @MockTM ‘member, sharks only bite cause they’re inquisitive but don’t have hands #sharkweek #truefact
2013-08-08 01:50:48
@drskyskull: @MockTM This accident is gonna screw up the NSF funding for Brit lady’s next project: “Giant intelligent air-breathing carnivorous squid.”
2013-08-08 01:51:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And you would probably also benefit from a bigger god too.
2013-08-08 01:51:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Jokes on you, smart sharks know how to climb now. And probably make better souffle than you too.
2013-08-08 01:53:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM *shark turns oven on*
2013-08-08 01:53:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM CALLED IT
2013-08-08 01:54:17
@DrRubidium: @MockTM IDEA! Next #sharkweek, @Discovery has a shark hosted cooking show! #deepbluesea
2013-08-08 01:54:27
@CA7746: @MockTM Jumped outta the oven. Missed his chance to axe the shark. -_-
2013-08-08 01:55:42
@szvan: @MockTM If you’re working underwater, you should probably know it’s the wrong place to be during an explosion.
2013-08-08 01:56:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, we’ve already reached the part where the panicky guy gets killed? Short movie.
2013-08-08 01:57:31
@CA7746: @MockTM They turned on each other on the mountain? #Suspicious
2013-08-08 01:58:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, saw that coming. The guy who rallies gets et next.
2013-08-08 01:58:39
@drskyskull: @MockTM “I am tired of these motherfucking sharks –” CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP!
2013-08-08 01:59:02
@szvan: @MockTM Avalanche? Sure. No problem. But try surviving a monologue.
2013-08-08 01:59:04
@drskyskull: @MockTM Okay — must go off to do other things! Been fun, folks!
2013-08-08 02:00:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, the water-filling-the-tank level. I’ve played this level. In a lot of video games.
2013-08-08 02:01:23
@lousycanuck: @drskyskull @MockTM Later!
2013-08-08 02:01:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “No, take the ladder, sharks can swim just fine up stairs.”
2013-08-08 02:01:59
@szvan: @MockTM Why, oh, why hasn’t the movie industry adopted Shark-O-Vision?
2013-08-08 02:02:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Open the door with water behind it. It’ll be fine.
2013-08-08 02:03:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, the It Gets Worse part of the escape scene.
2013-08-08 02:04:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It was like… I had her, right here… in my hand…” /MELODRAMA
2013-08-08 02:05:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Saved by IRON CHEF
2013-08-08 02:06:19
@CA7746: @MockTM Couldn’t risk sharks climbing that rope.
2013-08-08 02:07:09
@CA7746: @MockTM Man with the goatee insists that you trust him.
2013-08-08 02:08:27
@CA7746: @MockTM Batteries? Nah. She had a 220 line wired up for that.
2013-08-08 02:09:04
@CA7746: @MockTM “Okay only an afternoon, but it SEEMED like 4 years.”
2013-08-08 02:10:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That was surprisingly touching. “Will you zip me up” is always a sweet moment.
2013-08-08 02:10:22
@CA7746: @MockTM “Death is always useless,” says the cook.
2013-08-08 02:11:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Aaah!” “AAH!” “AAAH!” “WHY ARE YOU YELLING” “YOU SCARED ME!” “YOU SCARED ME!!!”
2013-08-08 02:12:59
@CA7746: @MockTM So that’s what a drowning orchestra sounds like.
2013-08-08 02:13:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Iron Chef gets his vlog on.
2013-08-08 02:14:00
@szvan: @MockTM Good thing muscles don’t need oxygen.
2013-08-08 02:14:31
@szvan: @MockTM Nice to see the CGI is up to the quality of the script.
2013-08-08 02:15:23
@DrRubidium: @szvan @MockTM LOL
2013-08-08 02:16:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Brothers never make it out of horror movies like this.”
2013-08-08 02:17:32
@CA7746: @MockTM Shh. If you say it out loud, it might not come true!
2013-08-08 02:17:45
@DrRubidium: 1 out of 2 didn’t #deepbluesea RT @lousycanuck @MockTM “Brothers never make it out of horror movies like this.”
2013-08-08 02:18:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Haha, see what we did there audience? We fooled you! She just slipped! Hee hee. Oh we’re so clever.
2013-08-08 02:20:23
@szvan: @MockTM Weirdly, her taking off her clothes was the one thing they came up with a decent reason for in this movie.
2013-08-08 02:20:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And now, the obligatory T&A.
2013-08-08 02:20:36
@DrRubidium: @MockTM these sharks got THE SHAFT. #literally #ThinkAboutIt :P
2013-08-08 02:21:49
@szvan: @MockTM Guess all that praying….
2013-08-08 02:25:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU to stop biting me in half
2013-08-08 02:25:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Time for murder!” “FINALLY!”
2013-08-08 02:27:25
@CA7746: @MockTM “Why do you hate freedom?”
2013-08-08 02:28:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I know how to get her.” “How?” “Serenade her a little. She loves Frank Sinatra.”
2013-08-08 02:29:19
@CA7746: @MockTM Pour some alcohol into the water. That works.
2013-08-08 02:29:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM How do you plan on lighting the shark up now? Huh?
2013-08-08 02:30:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Fuck this ‘massive blood loss’ shit, I have a shark to get my revenge on.”
2013-08-08 02:31:35
@DrRubidium: @MockTM still cheering for the sharks…
2013-08-08 02:31:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh how I hope they miscounted. I do like the fact that they have matching leg wounds now.
2013-08-08 02:33:54
@CA7746: @MockTM What? Hey, you made it! What? Carter! What?
2013-08-08 02:34:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And then the boat gets destroyed by Megalodon.
2013-08-08 02:34:57
@szvan: @MockTM Damn. Sharks lost.
2013-08-08 02:35:44
@DrRubidium: @lousycanuck @MockTM I WISH
2013-08-08 02:36:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, I get most of this song except the random cat meows.
2013-08-08 02:36:40

1 comment

  1. 1

    there was only ONE good scene in that entire movie…

    can you guess which one I’m thinking of?


    hint: after it, we no longer see Samuel L Jackson…

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