Lost in all the excitement of the CONvergence videos and the planning for FtBConscience was this gem of a movie that we mocked the hell out of this past week. So bad a movie is Gymkata that Ed Brayton suggested we do it for MTM — several days after we’d just done it. The movie is notable for its threadbare plot, its omnipresent ninjas, and its requisite pommel horse conveniently placed so that the hero, who I’m pretty sure is named Luke Skypommeler, could repeatedly kick criminally insane folks in the kisser.
Will post the subtitle files shortly in the usual place.
@szvan: Mock the Movie: Pommeled Edition: http://t.co/C1zWiHlg6x @MockTM
@leilah: Run from bus, throw bread into toaster, grab water, fall into chair at computer, cue up Gymkata… ah, hell. Is @MockTM _next_ Wednesday?
@lousycanuck: @leilah @MockTM Nope! It’s this wednesday! We only pushed off the last one by a week but didn’t want to screw with the rest of the sched.
@lousycanuck: Just in case people are unaware, @MockTM is today, at 9pm Eastern. In 55 minutes. We’re doing Gymkata! http://t.co/oVMHQIZXzQ
@leilah: @lousycanuck @MockTM Basically, I was so excited about Gymkata that I convinced myself that yesterday was Wednesday.
@lousycanuck: @leilah @MockTM “Tweeted 23h ago”. Ahahaha! Okay then!
@FtBCon: @lousycanuck y no #ftbcon @MockTM session?!
@lousycanuck: @FtBCon @MockTM Maybe we can do overtime on Monday night. There’s no way I can do it any other time!
@brx0: @MockTM Got a shiny new TV yesterday. The guide didn’t say anything specific about ‘Gymkata’ voiding the warranty, so I’ll give that a try.
@brx0: @MockTM Aaand, go…
@CA7746: @MockTM The plot may seem linear to us, but for an ant on that wire, there’s an extra curled-up dimension.
@leilah: @mocktm That’s the most evil-looking bar I’ve ever seen.
@brx0: @MockTM Suspenseful credits music. So far so good.
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, normal gymnastics. And running horses. Montage! Artsy!
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, we’ve wandered into a cheesy barbarian movie or something. What happened to the gymnastics?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This is an interesting addition to the Olympics this year — do your gymnastics routine then get chased by Mongols on horses.
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I feel like I’ve landed in an episode of Kevin Sorbo’s Hercules…
@brx0: @MockTM Also ninjas, because why not?
@leilah: @mocktm I see a flaw in this escape plan.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Don’t fall down that thousand foot crevasse into a rushing river over rapids, or you’ll surely be killed by that ninja there!
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “Somebody get me the music department. Scratch that! The over-dramatic music department.” ~ director
@brx0: @MockTM I don’t suppose that last guy was an olympic archery medalist, was he?
@leilah: @mocktm The pace of the music was really exciting for a sec. Then I realized I had sped up the movie to catch up a little. Phooey.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Who keeps turning out the lights? Nobody’s gonna see him do a ninja three-point landing!
@DrRubidium: @MockTM How did this movie get made? Seriously.
@JadedSkeptic: @lousycanuck @MockTM It’s part of a new event, Gymcathlon.
@CA7746: @MockTM “Parmistan could monitor satellites around the world.” So it’s got a tunnel through the earth?
@brx0: @MockTM And we’re immediately in secret mission mode, with no explanation. Because why not?
@DrRubidium: @MockTM if the main actor has a mullet, you know you’re in for a bumpy ride
@CA7746: @MockTM Parmistan’s not big on tourism.
@LalSox: @DrRubidium @MockTM the bigger question, how did I not receive an engraved invitation!?!
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “Direct military action is out of style.” Yes, undercover gymnasts are the new black
@CA7746: @MockTM A tutor who says “You gotta out-quick ‘em” won’t help you out-smart ‘em.
@brx0: @MockTM If these trainer guys are so much better than our hero, why aren’t we sending *them*?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So this gymnast sucks at both bondage and karate, is the lesson I’m getting.
@CA7746: @MockTM Cue shredded clothes and hair falling off…
@brx0: @MockTM Yeah, I totally believe our hero can’t handwalk up stairs yet, but will learn soon.
@brx0: @MockTM Blindfolded garden implement ninjutsu, because why not?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I was wondering whether or not Star Wars Kid would ever make it big, and HERE HE IS!
@brx0: @MockTM At least they aren’t asking a lot of our hero, acting-wise.
@brx0: @MockTM I can’t believe I just turned up the volume so I could hear the dialogue better.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Her mother was Indonesian!” “Indonesian!? Come on! That’s a made-up country!”
@DrRubidium: @MockTM THOSE SHORTS. NO.
@leilah: @mocktm Augh! Put him in less revealing shorts!
@leilah: @mocktm PLEASE kill him.
@brx0: @MockTM No hesitating with the unconvincing love interest thing either. She hasn’t even spoken yet.
@brx0: @MockTM “Karabal, on the Caspian Sea”, in Unnamed Eastern European Bogeyman Country.
@brx0: @MockTM Ironically, in 2013 they’d film in Karabal, on the Caspian Sea, and pretend it’s L.A.
@leilah: @mocktm I never knew salt grew in massive heaps in a warehouse.
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, it’s a land of mustachioed men with Hollywood accents.
@CA7746: @MockTM A Yankee wearing a red-orange shirt with crossing blue stripes.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Is it just me or is this basically Star Wars with slightly less whining and slightly more gymnastics?
@CA7746: @MockTM That guy fell down watching him cartwheel!
@brx0: @MockTM So he wanders through a Karabalese bazaar in a red 80s sweater, surrounded by bodyguards. Secret mission fail.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey, stop touching things, if you break it you buy it! Can’t take you anywhere. Shoulda knifed you earlier.”
@CA7746: @MockTM Bad kitty.
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, that actually wasn’t a terrible fight scene, by 80s B-movie standards.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, that guy fell down because of the wind from that cartwheel. Obviously.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM *meow! meow!* “It’s a trick, get an axe.”
@brx0: @MockTM And the bazaar’s suddenly deserted, but for his dead (but visibly breathing) ex-bodyguards.
@DrRubidium: @MockTM When has anybody EVER in the HISTORY of street markets been shot with an ARROW to the chest?!
@brx0: @MockTM Again with the red 80s sweater. I think I saw that one at Goodwill once. (DIdn’t buy it.)
@brx0: @MockTM Oh hey, time for more gymkata-ing!
@CA7746: @MockTM You’ll be fine. Not those other guys. Just you.
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, a convenient high bar, and evil minions who time their arrival perfectly. That’s handy.
@CA7746: @MockTM One-eyed Freud is ready for some cut wood.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Are you okay? Are you okay? You’re saying things I don’t understand. I might have concussed you. Oh, never mind, you’ll be fine.”
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, it’s C. Everett Koop with an axe!
@CA7746: @MockTM Freud pulls him close and thrusts.
@CA7746: @MockTM Then one-eyed Freud collapses and falls to the floor, dead.
@DrRubidium: @MockTM there are WAY too many Members Only jackets in this fucking movie
@lousycanuck: @MockTM After he deals with all these goombas, Luke Skywalker is going to learn his princess is in another mansion.
@leilah: @mocktm We didn’t budget quite enough for jackets, so put that guy in a raincoat.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM How does one fire a gun gymnastically?
@brx0: @MockTM These bad guys look like they could use a real gymkata-ing right about now.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “HEY GUYS COME BACK SO I CAN SHOOT YOU”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM They’re running constantly, the guy behind them is jogging a little, taking a shot, then resignedly jogging again. That’ll work!
@brx0: @MockTM These guys are bad shots. Just saying.
@brx0: @MockTM Car was totally going fast enough to flip like that.
@leilah: @mocktm Wow, that cop’s a great shot! He got that guy without even going through his raincoat!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Come in! Were you followed?” “A little, yes!”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Special Intelligence apparently never learned how to fire in short controlled bursts.
@brx0: @MockTM So why did they go to Karabal on the Caspian Sea anyway? Just to burn some running time?
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, it’s that one European country only accessible by whitewater raft.
@brx0: @MockTM Because ninjas always ride single file, to conceal their numbers.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Pssh. Like those horseback guys are actual ninjas. I mean, you can totally see them!
@DrRubidium: @MockTM these are the lamest ninjas since the last MTM movie with ninjas :D
@CA7746: @MockTM Kneel before Khan, when you meet him.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM First rule of ninjas: never attack at once. It keeps your opponent on-guard.
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, it’s that archery dude again.
@brx0: @MockTM You call that a map? GIS fail.
@brx0: @MockTM These other contestants look kind of expendable, if you ask me.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “There will be judges to show the way. And by judges I mean ninjas.”
@leilah: @mocktm He keeps a spare hat on his map?
@brx0: @MockTM A Land of Dental Contrasts
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go play my Mel Torme records.” (It was a dark Khan’s Torme night.)
@leilah: @lousycanuck @MockTM Booooooo. =)
@brx0: @MockTM Kurt Thomas could have had a real movie career in the 80s if only he spoke a little Cantonese.
@rvitelli: @lousycanuck @MockTM Ouch.
@brx0: @MockTM Dammit, corn field’s full of ninjas again.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I was expecting the villager from Princess Bride in that scene. “Boo! Booo! Queen of rubbish! Queen of putressence!”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You’ll be killed!” “And you will be too if you try to help!” “So I just gotta get my opponents to help me!?”
@brx0: @MockTM Even the crossing guards are ninjas. This is one messed-up country.
@CA7746: @MockTM Picking that ‘one request’ must’ve been tough. Parmistan’s got so much to offer.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ahahaha, that arrow twisted around to meet his back when he turned, like it was pasted to his shirt or something. NAAH, COULDN’T BE.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well I’ll say this for Parmesanstan: they have a lot of ninjas, but they have a lot of jesters too. And damn good cheese!
@brx0: @MockTM Big feast on the studio back lot. Medieval jesters! Horseback ninjas fighting with nets! But nice civilized stemware!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In the 80s, this was a metric fuckton of money to spend on a cheesy feast scene.
@brx0: @MockTM This guy is the Great Khan of Brooklyn, isn’t he?
@CA7746: @MockTM Is the Khan freezing or baked?
@brx0: @MockTM The fact that nobody’s ever survived the game should be a clue about what happened to your dad, guy.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I would like to heartily welcome you all to my country and wish you well in the games tomorrow. BUT YOU ALL SMELL FUNNY.”
@brx0: @MockTM Oh dear, the unconvincing love interest is betrothed to rat-tail archery dude. This bodes ill.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, this Khan looks disturbingly like my father. My father, and Geraldo. If they had a lovechild.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It’s so nice that everyone in this country speaks fluent English. With American accents.
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, evil rat-tail archery dude even has a gold medallion. Most 80s villain ever I bet he drives a red Porsche 944.
@leilah: @mocktm I can’t tell. Is this scene _supposed_ to be homoerotic?
@CA7746: @MockTM Later, after charades and shadow puppets…
@brx0: @MockTM Yeah, stand right in front of the big window with a hostage, nobody’s going to notice that.
@CA7746: @MockTM “So deadly, no one will survive.” Wasn’t that the point?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “The young people want us to join the 20th century. With big hair, and leisure suits, and jazzercise.”
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, time for more gymkata-ing!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “YAKS SWALLOW”
@brx0: @MockTM I keep wanting to call the khan “Miracle Max” for some reason.
@leilah: @mocktm Oh, he’s dead. Oh well.
@brx0: @MockTM Uh oh, rat tail archery dude is Breaking The Rules.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “In the ancient tradition of Parmesanistan, LET MORTAL KOMBAT BEGIN”
@brx0: @MockTM Same cornfield again.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, what the hell ARE the rules anyway? This is the highest-stakes version of Calvinball ever.
@leilah: @mocktm “I want him!” Wow, archery dude isn’t even trying to hide it now.
@brx0: @MockTM Well, there goes Dentistan’s entire corn harvest for the year.
@brx0: @MockTM So there’s pursuing ninjas, and neutral crossing guard ninjas. This seems like a conflict of interest.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “There he is! …No, sorry, that was more corn.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM All these guys armed with bows and arrows, and the guy at the top of the rope is going to somehow be killed by burning the bottom?
@brx0: @MockTM And, crossing guard ninja shrugs when asked to enforce the rules. Now works as a federal banking regulator.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The guy using his feet too, has the right idea. I’m kinda rooting for him now.
@brx0: @MockTM The crossing guard ninjas look sort of dejected to be stuck on crossing guard duty. I guess that makes sense.
@leilah: @mocktm What the hell, try setting the rope on fire again.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The sword? That’s a melee weapon! You have a TON of ranged units!
@brx0: @MockTM I want rat-tail dude to say “Drat, foiled again!” at least once.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, Uses-Feet-Too-Guy is in the lead! And now is getting attacked.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Uses-Feet-Too-Guy got strangled! Oh noes!
@brx0: @MockTM Dentistan, A Land of Precision Anti-Tree Archery
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Flashback to guy talking about axe cutting air prompts Skywalker to… duck? Okay, sure.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Golbez!? Oh great. So this is Final Fantasy IV.
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, the Crazy Village. I’ve seen this part on YouTube before. Watch for the conveniently located pommel horse!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Now entering Silent Hill.
@leilah: @brx0 @MockTM Subtle…
@brx0: @MockTM So there’s a whole village dedicated to offing the occasional contestant who survives this far. This seems efficient.
@brx0: @MockTM On the other hand, this Crazy Village is no worse than your average small town in Idaho.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh don’t mind me, sonny, just sharpening my scythe. Carry on wandering.”
@CA7746: @MockTM Yeah, criminally insane’s gonna be more effective than deliberate malice.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You pull on the door handle. Its trapped! Roll for saving throw.”
@leilah: @mocktm No, Scruffy! Bad dog!
@brx0: @MockTM Suddenly, a black-clad Greek chorus attacks!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, beggars looking for change? Toss some dineri and run up the side of the building. It’s what Ezio would do.
@brx0: @MockTM So these villagers are what you fight if you get past the ninjas?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ahaha, friendly fire was on. Noob mistake.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Anyone else notice that there’s been the exact same thunk sound for every attack or impact?
@brx0: @MockTM Dentistan, A Land of Rusty Farm Implements
@szvan: @MockTM Ooh, foley. Wait. I’m not supposed to notice foley, am I?
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, a guy with two faces. See, I *told* you it was just like a small town in Idaho.
@szvan: @MockTM If that music was playing while someone beckoned to me, I’d rethink following them.
@brx0: @MockTM Maybe they villagers aren’t crazy, they just want the government to turn off the damn fog machines once in a while.
@brx0: @MockTM So the Crazy Village is scoring a few points for gore, at least.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “The map said ‘cross the porcine bridge’… what do you suppose that means?”
@brx0: @MockTM Yay, pommel horse!
@szvan: @MockTM Let me guess. Backing away slowly was the first smart thing he’s done in this movie?
@brx0: @MockTM Dentistan, Land of Centrally Located Pommel Horses
@lousycanuck: @MockTM POMMEL LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT
@brx0: @MockTM World’s most patient angry mob.
@szvan: @MockTM No wonder they’re so angry. There are no women in this town.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Thanks to Town Ordinance 463, only one person is allowed to approach the village pommel at a time. Someone ought to repeal that.
@szvan: @MockTM Quick! They’re running in slow motion! Now’s your chance to get away!
@leilah: @mocktm Aww, puppies!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Slow motion and a heartbeat. You know what time it is, folks. TIME TO START BREAKING LAWS OF PHYSICS!
@brx0: @MockTM See, Jackie Chan would be up that wall in about 3 bounces. #fail
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Town ordinance 229: slow motion sequences must include both parkour and angry dogs.
@brx0: @MockTM This slo-mo stuff can stop any time and that would be ok.
@leilah: @mocktm This is approaching the gripping cinematic drama of Thunderball’s scuba scene.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dammit, it’s like one extra little tiny foot worth of climb. Use the Force, Luke!!
@szvan: @MockTM That’s it! Duck into the building. None of the villagers will be able to get in there.
@leilah: @mocktm WHAT? Was the movie running too short? Come ON!
@CA7746: @MockTM A nightmare? I must’ve dozed off.
@brx0: @MockTM Rescued by a ninja. Oh, the indignity.
@brx0: @MockTM It’s our hero’s dad! Masquerading as a ninja!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Town ordinance 518: roofs must be made of very loud terra cotta, to prevent ninja sneakery.
@leilah: @mocktm Is that ringworm on his cheek there?
@CA7746: @MockTM Rubali, why are you undressing?
@szvan: @MockTM “Oh, hi, son. I’ve just been waiting for you to escape this hellhole. Because I knew you’d come for me if I didn’t…escape sooner.”
@brx0: @MockTM Uh oh, I bet dad bites it soon…. yup… That was fast.
@leilah: @mocktm Great plan, Dad.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey look, she’s undressing while saying “I will help him in any way I can.” That’s what you call SUBLIMINAL.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dad bites it, and son’s response is to steal a horse. People deal with grief differently.
@brx0: @MockTM Unconvincing horse jumping. Guess they didn’t hire any Olympic equestrians.
@CA7746: @MockTM MacGyver could totally beat Hercules.
@szvan: @MockTM Can someone teach that kid to apply rouge? That’s distracting.
@brx0: @MockTM Oh hey, it’s End Boss time. Kneel before Zod!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ninja horses shy away from jumps. Noted.
@szvan: @MockTM Normally, I root for a winner based on who has the better hair. I want them both to die.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh hell, end boss time, and here Skywalker doesn’t have a balance beam or a gymnastic ribbon or nothing.
@szvan: @MockTM I came in late. Have we done floor exercises before?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This fight is choreographed like a pro wrestling match.
@brx0: @MockTM So, the ninjas also suck at crowd control. #fail
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, why are the ninjas attacking the Khan? Weird. At least he’s holding his own.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, I see, they’re loyal to that other guy. Samsung. Or whoever.
@CA7746: @MockTM The Star Wars program was soon discontinued. Doh.
@szvan: @MockTM I do always like a subtle score.
@brx0: @MockTM Cue the John-Wayne-riding-into-town sequence
@szvan: @MockTM That’s it. Cheer that the dude has an arrow in his back.
@brx0: @MockTM So all this just to get a Star Wars defense system site? Bet our hero felt silly when the program got cancelled.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So basically winning this medieval bloodsport lets the US continue expanding their hegemony via Star Wars. USA USA
@leilah: @mocktm I was starting to feel sorry for Norton there, being in this awful movie. Then I found out he did the fight choreography.
@szvan: @MockTM I missed most of it. Was that an anticlimax, or was the rest of the movie really, really dull?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @brx0 Can you believe the line they sold Reagan about a gymnast invading Parmesanistan funding Star Wars? And he BOUGHT IT.
@leilah: @mocktm Oh, wait. Norton was in Tex Murphy, I suppose he’s redeemed himself.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Any similarity to any persons, living or dead…” DUDE MY DAD WILL SO SUE YOU
@DrRubidium: So excited @MockTM is doing #deepbluesea! Most truthful line in horror.
@leilah: @mocktm I’m so glad I can cross Gymkata off my list of movies now. Phew!
@leilah: @szvan @MockTM Well, just picture what you saw, only longer. Pretty much.
@Million_Gods: @lousycanuck Amusingly? We SHOULD have done a @MockTM Mock The Movie.