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Jun 20 2013

Mock The Movie: Delta Force 2 transcript

Twitter changed their APIs about six months ago, and retired the ones I was using last week. I had no clue this was happening. I had to spend two hours after the movie working out what happened, and fixing the scrape script, before I could build this transcript.

Okay, sure, I didn’t NEED to spend those two hours immediately after the movie to fix this, but I can get a bit obsessive about fixing things that break.

Anyway, the Chuck Norris internet meme certainly didn’t pan out for much of this movie. There were plenty of moments where Chuck was less than awesome, including one where a snake nearly scared him off a cliff face. The internet meme Chuck would have punched said snake, who would then have flown a hundred feet backward into a cliff wall then exploded violently enough to bring down part of the wall onto its exploded remains in a landslide that would then provide Chuck with an easy set of stairs to climb.

@lousycanuck: Are you ready for the ass-kicking that Chuck Norris will deliver to our funnybones? Delta Force 2 tonight on @MockTM http://t.co/Z3Yt8B3fkm
2013-06-19 23:47:02
@pzmyers: No. RT @lousycanuck: Are you ready for ass-kicking Chuck Norris will deliver to our funnybones? Delta Force 2 @MockTM http://t.co/IcHWDwTMBf
2013-06-20 00:22:27
@leilah: Argh. The 20 is conspiring to keep me away from @MockTM. The arrival time is actually getting longer as I watch.
2013-06-20 00:31:03
@pzmyers: @MockTM I think tonight is a rum and coke night. Heavy on the rum.
2013-06-20 00:55:01
@brx0: @MockTM Waiiit, I’ve never seen the original “Delta Force”. None of this is probably going to make any sense to me.
2013-06-20 00:57:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This is the movie where terrorists threaten to shave off Chuck Norris’ beard, right?
2013-06-20 00:58:05
@pzmyers: @MockTM I’ma gonna click this button in a minute. Then I’m gonna regret it.
2013-06-20 00:58:05
@brx0: @MockTM I expect to be bewildered by the intricate plotting & complex characters, all introduced in the first Delta Force film.
2013-06-20 00:58:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM Trade Mark? For whom??
2013-06-20 00:59:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM It’s always Carnival in Rio.
2013-06-20 00:59:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Aaron Norris? Nepotism!
2013-06-20 01:00:14
@brx0: @MockTM Heyy, Rio de Janeiro. This looks promising so far.
2013-06-20 01:00:45
@pzmyers: @mocktm definitely true in every movie I’ve ever seen set in Rio.
2013-06-20 01:00:50
@brx0: @MockTM But wait, Colombian Connection, in Brazil? I call shenanigans.
2013-06-20 01:01:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Lemme see what’s on cameras 1 and 4…ooh, saucy!”
2013-06-20 01:01:05
@pzmyers: @MockTM They’re looking for Waldo?
2013-06-20 01:01:14
@CA7746: @MockTM The bad guy is Dr Doom?
2013-06-20 01:01:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Welcome to our little party. Welcome… TO DIE.
2013-06-20 01:02:06
@pzmyers: @MockTM I believe I just spotted a Mankini! We’re off to a classy start.
2013-06-20 01:02:08
@brx0: @MockTM Ooh, a command/ops center. Why do these things always have red lights?
2013-06-20 01:02:22
@brx0: @MockTM This whole thing is a ripoff of the Carnival scenes in Moonraker, I bet.
2013-06-20 01:03:37
@pzmyers: @MockTM What? THose aren’t kickboxing moves. Machine guns? No fair!
2013-06-20 01:03:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I liked this scene way better as the opening sequence to Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood.
2013-06-20 01:04:04
@brx0: @MockTM Although if that’s Chuck Norris in the shiny metal bikini, this movie will have redeemed itself already.
2013-06-20 01:04:04
@brx0: @MockTM Ah, a trap. I figured it was a little early to have the climactic drug bust.
2013-06-20 01:04:47
@pzmyers: @MockTM Somebody was a bit overzealous with the sriracha sauce.
2013-06-20 01:04:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dammit boys, I told you not to get takeout without me. And look, you went and got ketchup all over the van.
2013-06-20 01:05:30
@CA7746: @MockTM The eyes of a ranger are upon you…
2013-06-20 01:05:43
@pzmyers: @MockTM Uh-oh. Rudeness in the presence of the Chuck is a bad idea.
2013-06-20 01:06:16
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, unruly punk rockers. I bet Chuck beats them up.
2013-06-20 01:06:49
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM Just another day at the restaurant…
2013-06-20 01:07:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM He doesn’t have to make contact with them. He’s Chuck Norris.
2013-06-20 01:07:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM His introduction is supposed to make him likeable, yet he still manages to be smug. That takes talent!
2013-06-20 01:08:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Motivational seminar.” “HEE HEE” Everyone’s laughing at you, dude, not with you.
2013-06-20 01:08:11
@blakestacey: @MockTM The latest cocoa distribution? Sounds delicious!
2013-06-20 01:08:19
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM It can’t be that the DEA knows how to do its job or anything.
2013-06-20 01:09:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh, you’re not going to like my figure on the cocoa distribution. All the cocoa keeps going to my hips.”
2013-06-20 01:09:09
@pzmyers: @MockTM Ooh, peasants! I needed a brutality break.
2013-06-20 01:09:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, coCA. Well that’s certainly more likely to result in brutal senseless murder than cocoa.
2013-06-20 01:10:05
@brx0: @MockTM Mountains! Oppressed peasants! Ok, maybe this is Colombia finally.
2013-06-20 01:10:09
@pzmyers: @MockTM Bad guy is a baby beater, a daddy stabber, and mommy raper. I think we’re pretty clear on who is evil here.
2013-06-20 01:10:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM Upset that 1st worker isn’t working, you kill another, then carry off the 1st. Evil = inefficient.
2013-06-20 01:11:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Women like baths, right? That’ll make her forget about murdering her husband and stealing her kid, right? Then she’ll LIKE me!”
2013-06-20 01:11:17
@pzmyers: @MockTM We wouldn’t want any *ambiguity*, you know.
2013-06-20 01:11:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM We need you, the Delta Force. Until we reach the limit and replace you with the dF.
2013-06-20 01:12:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh if only it was John Fogerty. OH LAWD, STUCK IN A BAD MOVIE AGAAAAIN
2013-06-20 01:12:26
@brx0: @MockTM Wait, Chuck beat up some skinheads, and the bad guy oppresses peasants. I thought Norris was a Republican?
2013-06-20 01:12:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @brx0 Yeah, but the skinheads were pro-abortion, and the peasants were trying to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
2013-06-20 01:14:00
@brx0: @MockTM The 2013 remake of this film will be a 10 minute short of Predator drone footage.
2013-06-20 01:14:02
@pzmyers: @MockTM TWO bodyguards? No problem for Chuck!
2013-06-20 01:14:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I’m missing all the dialogue here so I’m assuming they’re discussing Chuck’s long face.
2013-06-20 01:14:49
@brx0: @MockTM Wait, the world’s richest drug lord doesn’t have his own jet? This seems contrived.
2013-06-20 01:16:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Tell them when they wake up that they’ll see their boss in about twenty minutes. Damn rotating door prisons.”
2013-06-20 01:16:19
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM Don’t mind me; just bringing a dog onto a plane – normal stuff.
2013-06-20 01:16:30
@leilah: @MockTM Bloody transit. I just started – did I miss anything in the first 15 minutes?
2013-06-20 01:16:52
@brx0: @MockTM Still too early to really catch the bad guy. I bet he gets away somehow. It’s a theory.
2013-06-20 01:17:02
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wait. Aren’t these planes pressurized?
2013-06-20 01:17:06
@pzmyers: @MockTM The little oxygen masks have just dropped down all over the plane. & what’s chuck breathing?
2013-06-20 01:17:47
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wouldn’t it be simpler to not bother catching him?
2013-06-20 01:18:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @leilah Just that Delta Force is a poor man’s A-Team, and Chuck Norris is playing against type by saving peasants.
2013-06-20 01:18:30
@brx0: @MockTM This probably isn’t the end of the movie either, just going by running time.
2013-06-20 01:18:41
@brx0: @MockTM Hey wait, this skydiving bit was ripped off from Moonraker too.
2013-06-20 01:19:06
@leilah: @lousycanuck @MockTM Perfect, that’ll do!
2013-06-20 01:19:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And in reality, Chuck breaks both his arms trying that stunt.
2013-06-20 01:20:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Bail is set at 10 meeeeeeeelllion dollars!”
2013-06-20 01:20:35
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM Beat up the accused; that’ll win you your case.
2013-06-20 01:21:29
@brx0: @MockTM Chuck Norris’s sidekick isn’t a very good secret agent, is he?
2013-06-20 01:22:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM Nothing dates a movie quite like a camcorder larger than a man’s head.
2013-06-20 01:22:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It seems to me that “trial by combat” is no longer an option. Perhaps nobody told Sidekick Guy.
2013-06-20 01:22:19
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM This basketball game sure is tying the movie together.
2013-06-20 01:22:37
@brx0: @MockTM Heh, guy with giant camcorder.
2013-06-20 01:22:49
@pzmyers: @MockTM Displays of spousal affection? Uh-oh. Sidekick is doomed.
2013-06-20 01:23:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Aaaaand THAT was the kiss of death for her.
2013-06-20 01:23:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh shit, they shot him with a chocolate syrup filled paintball. They mean business!
2013-06-20 01:23:53
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, guy’s going on about his wife and being all domestic. This bodes ill.
2013-06-20 01:24:05
@pzmyers: @MockTM Ah. “Girlfriend in refrigerator” trope. Gotta trigger revenge somehow, dead woman is always handy.
2013-06-20 01:24:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM Drastically increase the chances that the guys who captured you will enact vigilante justice. Evil is stupid.
2013-06-20 01:24:30
@leilah: @mocktm Damn Klingons always ruin everything.
2013-06-20 01:24:45
@brx0: @MockTM Starting to think this movie is prejudiced against black-clad men with ponytails
2013-06-20 01:24:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM Does this drug lord not know what kind of movie he’s in?
2013-06-20 01:24:56
@pzmyers: @MockTM Confronted with tragedy, Chuck Norris tries ACTING. And fails his saving throw.
2013-06-20 01:25:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh come on dude, the rest of us saw that senseless murder coming a mile away.
2013-06-20 01:25:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Looking forward to Tropes Vs. Women In Chuck Norris Films.
2013-06-20 01:26:11
@CA7746: @MockTM Okay, I’m sorry I ate all the pizza while you were mourning.
2013-06-20 01:26:22
@brx0: @MockTM And, you were expecting what exactly, going up against the world’s richest drug dealer?
2013-06-20 01:26:34
@pzmyers: @MockTM We finally found the guy who can beat Chuck Norris in a fight!
2013-06-20 01:26:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Why don’t you come back to my place?” “My wife JUST got murdered. It’s a little soon for you to be hitting on me dontcha think?”
2013-06-20 01:27:00
@brx0: @MockTM I bet sidekick gets himself killed recklessly now. Because formula.
2013-06-20 01:27:42
@brx0: @MockTM Filed under Delta Force commando strategy fail.
2013-06-20 01:28:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We’ve got to do this thing *right*. I’m thinking … snipers!”
2013-06-20 01:29:10
@brx0: @MockTM But wait, this all takes place in the mythical nation of “San Carlos”? What’s the Colombian Connection, then?
2013-06-20 01:29:16
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM I’m thinking thirty armed gunmen to take down two unarmed people; you?
2013-06-20 01:30:23
@brx0: @MockTM Oversized houndstooth jacket. The 80s weren’t kind to fashionista drug lords, were they?
2013-06-20 01:30:36
@pzmyers: @MockTM That looks like my last department meeting. The chair is a real hardass.
2013-06-20 01:30:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This scene was not lifted from any other movie. Any resemblance is purely <strike>lack of imagination</strike> coincidence.
2013-06-20 01:31:15
@pzmyers: @MockTM “You know I would die for you”: Things to never say to a villain.
2013-06-20 01:31:30
@blakestacey: @MockTM Never get the room right above the kitchen, you know?
2013-06-20 01:32:19
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, come on. Gas? When you’ve got guns, knives, and garrotes?
2013-06-20 01:32:19
@brx0: @MockTM Yep, taxi driver / spy gets it. Because formula.
2013-06-20 01:32:28
@pzmyers: @MockTM What do villains do with those gas rooms when they don’t have a captive agent, anyway?
2013-06-20 01:33:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I guess this guy didn’t deserve the personal touch of disembowelment.
2013-06-20 01:33:12
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM “You were the only one I trusted with my travel plans” – the least dramatic thing to say to someone you’ve just killed ever.
2013-06-20 01:33:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Okay, does anyone ELSE have any questions!?”
2013-06-20 01:33:46
@brx0: @MockTM Strange place to have a news conference.
2013-06-20 01:33:58
@leilah: @pzmyers @MockTM Smokehouse. They’re known for their _excellent_ bacon.
2013-06-20 01:34:07
@pzmyers: @MockTM Po-TENT-Ate. I shall have to start pronouncing it that way.
2013-06-20 01:34:11
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We accuse America of being a nation of drug addicts! And the inventors of reality TV!”
2013-06-20 01:34:39
@brx0: @MockTM I think the general’s going off message here. Who authorized this?
2013-06-20 01:34:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And obviously this is supply and demand! We have the supply, America has the demand! IT’S CAPITALISM!!!”
2013-06-20 01:35:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well… I take it by your throwing things around that he didn’t make it.”
2013-06-20 01:35:52
@pzmyers: @MockTM Note depth of emoting in Norris’s reactions to his friend’s death. He stopped blinking.
2013-06-20 01:35:53
@brx0: @MockTM Somehow they found a guy who does an unconvincing Spanish accent. And made him Presidente of San Carlos.
2013-06-20 01:36:00
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, wait. He doesn’t blink any time.
2013-06-20 01:36:18
@leilah: @MockTM Anyone taking bets as to whether the bad guy dies in the gas chamber?
2013-06-20 01:36:30
@blakestacey: @MockTM These scenes are kinda undercut by having shared hot tubs with guys who could do better than that.
2013-06-20 01:36:57
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, we’ve done the motivation part. Now, a fighting montage!
2013-06-20 01:36:58
@CA7746: @MockTM Next up: Sniper training.
2013-06-20 01:37:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay guys better idea, let’s all rush him at once since this is obviously just him breaking us one at a time.
2013-06-20 01:37:10
@pzmyers: @MockTM We have something in common. I unwind by beating up a string of trainees, too.
2013-06-20 01:37:24
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM Well that added nothing to the movie…
2013-06-20 01:38:06
@blakestacey: @MockTM “It’ll take more than an extraction unit…hey, how about we pretend we’re location scouts for a sci-fi movie?”
2013-06-20 01:38:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The worst part about that scene is now Norris has created an army of trainees looking for revenge against HIM.
2013-06-20 01:38:34
@CA7746: @MockTM Squee, the prez liked our snuff film!
2013-06-20 01:38:40
@brx0: @MockTM So far, no indication the Delta Force has actual weapons.
2013-06-20 01:38:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Mountains have sides? Let alone countable to four? Who mandated that mountains be square? DAMN YOU OBAMA.
2013-06-20 01:38:59
@pzmyers: @MockTM This guy is disturbing cheerful about a kill order from the president.
2013-06-20 01:39:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So far the delta on this Force is -3.
2013-06-20 01:39:58
@brx0: @MockTM Mmmm…. chewy scenery….
2013-06-20 01:40:19
@pzmyers: @MockTM Now, if only the bad guys would arrange themselves in a convenient circle and come at me one at a time!
2013-06-20 01:40:48
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM Do they replace the doors and windows in that house every time they need to redo the practice mission?
2013-06-20 01:41:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The first rule of slowly approaching Chuck Norris one at a time club is…”
2013-06-20 01:41:19
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, more fighting. Chuck’s traded up from beating up n00bs. I think he means business now.
2013-06-20 01:41:39
@pzmyers: @MockTM @lousycanuck When I’m a super villain, I will have a tetrahedral mountain.
2013-06-20 01:42:06
@pzmyers: @MockTM Why does he need weapons? He didn’t train with any.
2013-06-20 01:42:52
@pzmyers: @MockTM Why does he need weapons? He didn’t train with any.
2013-06-20 01:42:52
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM “At 1300 hours, I take medication to fix this creepy smile on my face.”
2013-06-20 01:43:14
@pzmyers: @MockTM Continuity! Previous raped peasant woman will now be a plot point!
2013-06-20 01:43:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So I have two hours to finish this mission? Luckily, there’s only an hour left in the film.
2013-06-20 01:43:19
@leilah: @MockTM In so many movies, I think “Please! Put in more women!” In this one, I think “FFS, please don’t put in any women. I can’t take it.”
2013-06-20 01:44:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Come.” “WE JUST MET!”
2013-06-20 01:44:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wait, he parachuted into a covert op with an American flag patch on his sleeve?
2013-06-20 01:45:01
@brx0: @MockTM “Your objective is the DEA guys, *NOT* Ramon Coda”. Heh, right.
2013-06-20 01:45:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM El Jefe surely did roll out the red carpet, giving his daughter to Chuck so readily like that.
2013-06-20 01:45:33
@brx0: @MockTM Ah, the woman of the village who’s slightly more caucasian than the others. Our heroine!
2013-06-20 01:45:46
@pzmyers: @MockTM General doesn’t know the word “adhere”. Educated bunch, I see.
2013-06-20 01:45:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ooh, rope bridges, the natural enemy of Delta Force commandoes worldwide.
2013-06-20 01:47:10
@pzmyers: @MockTM Science! I knew this movie would be educational.
2013-06-20 01:47:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Convenient that coca leaves radiate irregular wavelengths. THANK GOD FOR SCIENCE.
2013-06-20 01:47:54
@pzmyers: @MockTM Hey! It is a square mountain!
2013-06-20 01:47:59
@pzmyers: @MockTM Ernesto’s last name must be “Exposition”.
2013-06-20 01:48:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That wasn’t really a mountain. More like a sierra.
2013-06-20 01:49:23
@CA7746: @MockTM Wait, she’s a South American Indian. Which god? Supay, demon lord of the underworld?
2013-06-20 01:49:25
@pzmyers: @MockTM Chuck Norris has only one expression. It’s beginning to bug me.
2013-06-20 01:49:34
@brx0: @MockTM I bet this San Carlosian observer dude is a spy for the coke fiends. Because formula.
2013-06-20 01:49:52
@pzmyers: @MockTM It’s like having a mannequin as the star.
2013-06-20 01:49:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh, come on, *Shatner* could climb that!
2013-06-20 01:50:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh that’s sweet how you try to talk about God just for Chuck. You must really like him, pretending to be Christian and all.
2013-06-20 01:50:26
@leilah: @MockTM That’s not granite! Damnit, movie!
2013-06-20 01:50:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM Huh. Internet-meme Chuck Norris would have used the snake as a rope.
2013-06-20 01:52:41
@brx0: @MockTM Oh hey, a snake. I bet Chuck karates it or something.
2013-06-20 01:52:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Why did it have to be snakes? Oh right, we’re in South America.”
2013-06-20 01:52:50
@pzmyers: @MockTM Crap. Chuck is climbing the mountain to get the bad guy, and there he is in the village at the foot of it.
2013-06-20 01:52:55
@leilah: @MockTM That wall couldn’t be less sheer if it tried.
2013-06-20 01:53:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I don’t know who owns the parachute! It’s not like he embroidered ‘Chuck Norris’ on it — oh crap.”
2013-06-20 01:53:26
@pzmyers: @MockTM Darkest skinned guy in village is naturally the first victim.
2013-06-20 01:53:53
@CA7746: @MockTM The End
2013-06-20 01:54:02
@leilah: @pzmyers @MockTM That was a really good face-plant, though. Nicely done.
2013-06-20 01:54:16
@brx0: @MockTM None of these villagers look very San Carlosian, if you ask me.
2013-06-20 01:54:25
@pzmyers: @MockTM This guy flailing around on the fairly easy rough face of the hill is embarrassing real climbers everywhere.
2013-06-20 01:54:54
@pzmyers: @MockTM I thought Colonel McCoy wasn’t a DEA agent. Wasn’t that an important plot point earlier?
2013-06-20 01:56:04
@pzmyers: @MockTM Ha ha, “important plot point”. There aren’t any!
2013-06-20 01:56:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wait, sir — won’t they have to move to shoot things?” “I SAID NO EXCEPTIONS”
2013-06-20 01:57:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM Awww right, gonna dispose of some 25-cent extras.
2013-06-20 01:57:30
@brx0: @MockTM Weird how you can pad a film out to feature length with long mountain climbing sequences.
2013-06-20 01:57:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Time is the one thing you haven’t got. Time and a unicorn. Okay, two things.”
2013-06-20 01:57:56
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM Colonel Taylor’s face is going to show up in one of my nightmares tonight.
2013-06-20 01:58:36
@pzmyers: @MockTM That general gets all happy and excited about the damnedest things.
2013-06-20 01:59:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Damn, I still can’t connect to CompuServe on this thing.”
2013-06-20 01:59:26
@leilah: @MockTM Man, these San Carlosians are really rubbish at swearing.
2013-06-20 01:59:37
@pzmyers: @MockTM The punchening begins.
2013-06-20 01:59:44
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM Hey, guard; you’re moving! Stop doing that!
2013-06-20 02:00:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Chuck Norris demonstrates the best thing about swivel chairs.
2013-06-20 02:00:00
@brx0: @MockTM Apparently Ramon doesn’t use security cameras. Fail.
2013-06-20 02:00:32
@pzmyers: @MockTM Why was Norris climbing the mountain in the first place when they’re just going to charge in with a helicopter gunship?
2013-06-20 02:00:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What’s going on?” “We’re building to the movie’s climax!”
2013-06-20 02:01:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM The General’s grin is really edging into “you just don’t lead them so much!” territory
2013-06-20 02:01:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I wonder which of the three sides of that mountain they just landed on.
2013-06-20 02:01:56
@leilah: @MockTM So, what happened with the whole “kill the DEA agents” thing? I mean, how many people have to get in before they can do that?
2013-06-20 02:02:23
@brx0: @MockTM Nobody seems to have noticed that the radar stopped spinning a while back. Evil base security fail.
2013-06-20 02:02:47
@leilah: @MockTM Oh, hell. I’ve just been put on a watchlist, haven’t I?
2013-06-20 02:02:52
@pzmyers: @MockTM Just a little toot before I go kill some more bad guys.
2013-06-20 02:02:52
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM That’s what you get for using the washroom!
2013-06-20 02:03:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In the next scene, that commando that opened the bag of icing sugar is going to be in diabetic shock.
2013-06-20 02:03:44
@pzmyers: @MockTM For some reason, I’m very happy bearded fat guy escaped the outhouse to survive.
2013-06-20 02:04:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM Is a single machine gun the right tool for this job? Wouldn’t you want an area-denial weapon? Napalm?
2013-06-20 02:04:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What? I don’t speak Spanish!”
2013-06-20 02:05:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Red alert! Shields up! Arm coca torpedoes!
2013-06-20 02:05:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Estimated time of arrival, ten minutes after the movie ends!”
2013-06-20 02:06:10
@brx0: @MockTM Uh oh, red alert. This may get explodey.
2013-06-20 02:06:31
@leilah: @MockTM “Just found the missile button! This is way better than the gun!”
2013-06-20 02:06:40
@brx0: @MockTM Oh, *now* they have missiles.
2013-06-20 02:06:44
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM Good thing they packed Molotov cocktail air-to-ground missiles
2013-06-20 02:06:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM I’m thinking a BLU-82 daisy cutter, or something in the fuel-air genre, you know?
2013-06-20 02:07:02
@CA7746: @MockTM *Cringe* Oh, ‘Flamable’ was Spanish. NOT English.
2013-06-20 02:07:05
@pzmyers: @MockTM @blakestacey Fuel-air explosives in the 90s? Madness! They only had muskets and claymores.
2013-06-20 02:08:36
@leilah: @MockTM Does this music remind anyone else of “Quest of the Delta Knights”?
2013-06-20 02:08:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hi guys.” “Colonel Sanders! Thank god, we were starving!”
2013-06-20 02:08:56
@pzmyers: @MockTM I love how guards just wander around aimlessly on balconies. It’s just like a video game.
2013-06-20 02:09:59
@CA7746: @MockTM Statue: Aaugh! There’s a bear on mah crotch!
2013-06-20 02:09:59
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, the good guys are wearing black during the day? No camo budget?
2013-06-20 02:10:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @BenZvan was rooting for a Wilhelm Scream on that over-the-ledge death.
2013-06-20 02:10:12
@pzmyers: @MockTM Mullet sighting!
2013-06-20 02:10:40
@brx0: @MockTM Yay, cheesy 80s bedroom design. Round bed!
2013-06-20 02:11:25
@pzmyers: @MockTM Balding long-haireed mustache guy vs. Chuck Norris. You knew that was coming.
2013-06-20 02:11:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dude, you’re supposed to SHOOT anything that moves, not PUNCH it. You suck at following orders and so your death is merited.
2013-06-20 02:11:37
@blakestacey: @MockTM I’m pretty sure he could have extracted the guy’s eyeballs while being held up like that.
2013-06-20 02:12:18
@brx0: @MockTM This is the part where Chuck gets beat up real good, but comes back and beats the guy real good-er.
2013-06-20 02:12:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Shhh.” *throws through table which explodes noisly*
2013-06-20 02:13:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM Dude, Liam Neeson would be *finished* with this schmuck by now.
2013-06-20 02:13:26
@pzmyers: @MockTM This looks like the beat-down Norris got at the hands of Bruce Lee. He’s going to try to live down the shame forever, isn’t he?
2013-06-20 02:13:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM SEE THAT? SEE IT? He was trying to shave Norris’ beard! CALLED IT!
2013-06-20 02:13:48
@pzmyers: @MockTM Michael Jackson shows up!
2013-06-20 02:13:56
@brx0: @MockTM So this martial arts style is hit the guy in the face until the script says it’s time for him to fall down.
2013-06-20 02:14:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Glad you liked it.” “I loooved it.” “THEN WHY DON’T YOU MARRY IT”
2013-06-20 02:14:49
@brx0: @MockTM Or get impaled on pre-Columbian art. There’s that too.
2013-06-20 02:14:53
@pzmyers: @MockTM If Chuck Norris’s eyes are windows into his soul, it’s a window into the void. See? No god!
2013-06-20 02:14:56
@pzmyers: @MockTM Now! Pull the trigger! Shoot! YOU MORON, why are you letting Norris live?
2013-06-20 02:15:34
@blakestacey: @MockTM “And now that you are caught in my overly elaborate death trap, I will commence my monologue…”
2013-06-20 02:16:12
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, good. The gas room gets two uses in this movie.
2013-06-20 02:16:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You didn’t tie him to a chair. That was your first mistake. No wait, your first mistake was not shooting him.
2013-06-20 02:16:45
@pzmyers: @MockTM No! Not the pool!
2013-06-20 02:16:48
@leilah: @MockTM What IS that accent? I’m hearing Tennessee in there.
2013-06-20 02:16:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ah but you don’t know what I know. I spent a long time building up an immunity to iocaine gas.
2013-06-20 02:17:11
@brx0: @MockTM This is where Chuck is magically resistant to gas.
2013-06-20 02:17:31
@pzmyers: @MockTM Exposure to poison gas will cause a brief coughing fit, and then you’ll be fine.
2013-06-20 02:18:03
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM The glass budget for this film was probably sky-high.
2013-06-20 02:18:06
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wrong, wrong, wrong. Not WHITE shirts, RED shirts.
2013-06-20 02:19:16
@leilah: @MockTM Ah, the light that sounds like a piano. Goofiest foley artists ever.
2013-06-20 02:19:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM Keee-reist. One bad day, and the General will go full Plan R.
2013-06-20 02:19:46
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, car chase! I wonder if the San Carlosians have fruit carts?
2013-06-20 02:20:33
@pzmyers: @MockTM Man, they really timed the explosives in that village perfectly.
2013-06-20 02:21:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM BLOW UP ALL THE THINGS
2013-06-20 02:21:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM Are they just killing the same two guards over and over again?
2013-06-20 02:22:16
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, explosions! MURICA!
2013-06-20 02:22:38
@pzmyers: @MockTM General’s helicopter=excuse to blow up a helicopter. These people need to learn movie rules.
2013-06-20 02:22:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Infinite disposable henchmen. That chopper could grind at them all day and never run out.
2013-06-20 02:22:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I want you to destroy the limousine that has my boss in it!”
2013-06-20 02:23:35
@pzmyers: @MockTM @lousycanuck Grinding replaceable grunts is a great way to level up. General boss might be dangerous when done.
2013-06-20 02:23:48
@pzmyers: @MockTM Standard movie rules: bad guy missiles alway blow up bad guy vehicles.
2013-06-20 02:24:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OKAY NOW LET’S HIT THEM AGAIN ONLY THIS TIME NOT OUR GUYS.
2013-06-20 02:24:38
@brx0: @MockTM You got to admit that’s some fancy limo driving.
2013-06-20 02:24:45
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM “Hit him again”, even though you didn’t hit him the first time…
2013-06-20 02:24:59
@brx0: @MockTM Still no fruit cart though. Doesn’t San Carlos have villages?
2013-06-20 02:25:42
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM You boys wanna go off-road limo-ing?
2013-06-20 02:25:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And now the scene where Norris takes out the chopper with his handgun.
2013-06-20 02:26:04
@pzmyers: @MockTM Bearded fat guy is coming! You all know he’s the hero of the movie, right?
2013-06-20 02:26:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It’s almost like that helicopter was on a scaffold, and not actually flying at the time of explosion… THE TRUTH WILL OUT!!!
2013-06-20 02:27:12
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM I counted four explosion noises from one missile.
2013-06-20 02:27:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That’s right Chuck, push the gun in the direction you’re shooting. It makes the bullets hurt more.
2013-06-20 02:28:14
@pzmyers: @MockTM Norris takes out four guys with pistol. They have automatic weapons, and miss every time. Bad guy says, “My men are professionals.”
2013-06-20 02:28:31
@pzmyers: @MockTM Something is wrong here.
2013-06-20 02:28:44
@brx0: @MockTM You got to admit Chuck Norris is an amazing shot.
2013-06-20 02:29:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yes, that thin bamboo door will protect you from the bullets.
2013-06-20 02:29:15
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM “My men are professionals. I mean, they couldn’t kill ONE GUY – but, you know, professionals.”
2013-06-20 02:29:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Wildcard! Give us your coordinates!” “I said I’m in the village. You know, the one at the bottom of the giant mountain!?”
2013-06-20 02:29:50
@pzmyers: @MockTM His bullets hit with so much force, his target does a spinning reverse flip.
2013-06-20 02:30:04
@brx0: @MockTM Chuck jumps aside, 5 feet from a bazooka. Didn’t that get mythbusted once?
2013-06-20 02:30:07
@leilah: @mocktm @Pocket_Mann Maybe they’re professional poker players?
2013-06-20 02:30:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “All right, don’t hit McCoy.” “So shoot like our enemies, then?”
2013-06-20 02:30:46
@pzmyers: @MockTM Jesus. Have they depopulated San Marcos yet?
2013-06-20 02:30:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Right, spray the village wildly with your gunship. Surely there will be no collateral damage from that.
2013-06-20 02:31:24
@brx0: @MockTM And Ramon makes his escape. Because formula.
2013-06-20 02:31:24
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM At this point, they’re nuking a graveyard.
2013-06-20 02:32:05
@brx0: @MockTM He’s in the hut at 1 o’clock? Your 1 o’clock or mine?
2013-06-20 02:32:06
@pzmyers: @MockTM Say, isn’t this the village where the bad guy threatened to come back and shoot everyone? The village the good guys just blew up?
2013-06-20 02:32:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM These must be some REALLY precision missiles to blow up these straw huts but leave the one single hut untouched.
2013-06-20 02:32:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM Now, men, remember, press S to strafe, and shoot off-screen to reload!
2013-06-20 02:33:04
@pzmyers: @MockTM “Thank you, Americans, for turning our village into rubble.”
2013-06-20 02:33:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The commandoes now have to walk through Hogan’s Village.
2013-06-20 02:33:13
@CA7746: @MockTM Dammit movie. Ya set up ALL that revenge motivation. Disarm the villain. Hand her a machete. Then make her flail around and die!?
2013-06-20 02:33:24
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM How did people survive that massacre?
2013-06-20 02:33:27
@brx0: @MockTM So they haven’t actually lost a single Delta Force dude yet, have they?
2013-06-20 02:33:49
@pzmyers: @MockTM She’s a woman. Her role is to die to give the men motivation.
2013-06-20 02:34:08
@CA7746: @MockTM Norris hasn’t been this mad since sidekick dude was taken down by a dozen goons with guns.
2013-06-20 02:34:49
@pzmyers: @MockTM You can tell he’s mad because he grit his teeth.
2013-06-20 02:35:34
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM “Kill me if you have the courage” to the guy who killed all of your henchmen.
2013-06-20 02:36:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No, don’t bother putting the fires out, villagers. Let it burn to ash, it’s easier to clear.
2013-06-20 02:36:36
@pzmyers: @MockTM “Gunships closing!” General laughs inappropriately again. That guy is creepy.
2013-06-20 02:37:13
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM “Ah, just blow up the forest; you’ll find me.”
2013-06-20 02:37:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Might wanna punch Coda a few more times to be sure.
2013-06-20 02:37:25
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wheeeeeeeee!
2013-06-20 02:37:35
@brx0: @MockTM “Always the hard way” Drink!
2013-06-20 02:37:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM FLY! FLY YOU FOOLS!
2013-06-20 02:38:00
@pzmyers: @MockTM Chopper they’re tied to is climbing, somehow they cruise along level and bounce into the ground. I don’t get it.
2013-06-20 02:38:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM FLYING BUTT ATTACK
2013-06-20 02:38:40
@pzmyers: @MockTM See? Bearded fat guy! They’re everywhere!
2013-06-20 02:38:59
@sondosia: @lousycanuck @MockTM dunno what this is about but I like it
2013-06-20 02:39:37
@CA7746: @MockTM Lesson: It’s wrong to cut a rope and emotionally kill a guy, but okay to watch it break and not save him.
2013-06-20 02:39:48
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM I was expecting the henchman to throw the knife in an attempt to save his boss and then accidentally hit him.
2013-06-20 02:39:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Killed while attempting escape.” “It’s a classic!”
2013-06-20 02:40:13
@pzmyers: @MockTM Errm, Central America? Flinging people from flight into the ocean? Is anyone else going, “Too soon”?
2013-06-20 02:40:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM Aaaaagh soundtrack dissonance!
2013-06-20 02:40:43
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM “Allow me to lecture you on the uses of coca.”
2013-06-20 02:40:43
@blakestacey: @MockTM What *is* this music, the ENTERPRISE theme?
2013-06-20 02:41:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Is this a Mario Van Peebles closing song?
2013-06-20 02:41:15
@pzmyers: @MockTM Aargh. Critical hit from closing theme. Bearded fat guy finally dies.
2013-06-20 02:41:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Whoa, it’s WE ARE THE WORLD
2013-06-20 02:41:34
@blakestacey: @MockTM This music makes me think of the posters on the drop ceilings of dentists’ offices
2013-06-20 02:41:37
@brx0: @MockTM So no big battle with the incoming gunships? They cheated us!
2013-06-20 02:41:53
@CA7746: @MockTM Speaking of change: we reelected Obama, so we’re doomed to a thousand years of darkness.
2013-06-20 02:42:05
@brx0: @MockTM Also: MURICA!!!
2013-06-20 02:42:06
@brx0: @MockTM This credits song might be good for karaoke.
2013-06-20 02:42:34
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM We could have avoided this whole thing if they had just not caught the drug dealer in the beginning.
2013-06-20 02:42:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM Chaser for this movie: http://t.co/hlkl0GHqR9
2013-06-20 02:42:58
@pzmyers: @MockTM @brx0 what more do you want? Bearded fat guy cut rope so villain dies. Triumph!
2013-06-20 02:43:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Aww, we broke @pixelsnake.
2013-06-20 02:43:06
@pzmyers: @MockTM Closing soloist just broke his voice straining to reach that note. Ouch.
2013-06-20 02:43:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM You know, I *thought* Central America in this movie had a bit of an Appalachian feel.
2013-06-20 02:44:13
@pzmyers: @MockTM Tennessee, Colombia. Same difference.
2013-06-20 02:45:27
@pzmyers: @MockTM Well, that’s over.
2013-06-20 02:45:57
@pzmyers: @MockTM And that’s about all I can say about that.
2013-06-20 02:46:16
@Pocket_Mann: @MockTM The Youtube ad after this movie provided me with more entertainment.
2013-06-20 02:47:00
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wait, where were all the Chuck Norris jokes? Or was the movie enough?
2013-06-20 02:48:49
@blakestacey: @MockTM And the moral of tonight’s movie is: life is not without blessings, for eventually even a Chuck Norris movie will end.
2013-06-20 02:49:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM Second moral of this movie: we should all throw a few $ to fund an Anita Sarkeesian series on ’80s action flicks.
2013-06-20 02:54:05
@blakestacey: @MockTM “In Licence to Kill, a drug lord murders the hero’s friend’s wife, and he avenges them both. In Delta Force 2, a drug lord….”
2013-06-20 02:55:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So… Twitter changed their API last week, and the python scrape bot couldn’t auth. Getting sick of that…
2013-06-20 03:02:29
@brx0: @MockTM We never actually found out what the Colombian Connection was, did we?
2013-06-20 03:05:49
@CA7746: @MockTM @lousycanuck I only had to change the API urls from “server/1/blah/action” to “server/1.1/blah/action”.
2013-06-20 03:06:04
@brx0: @pzmyers @MockTM Tonight’s a time for jokes about Chuck Norris’s agent.
2013-06-20 03:06:44
@pzmyers: Sure we did. Tennessee. RT @brx0: @MockTM We never actually found out what the Colombian Connection was, did we?
2013-06-20 03:12:07
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 @MockTM My script depends on Tweepy, which apparently doesn’t have that change.
2013-06-20 03:12:17
@CA7746: @MockTM @lousycanuck I think that got committed to github 5 months ago ( https://t.co/QB3O9MM3Er ). So updating the lib should work.
2013-06-20 03:19:38

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