Again, I managed to forget to start my scrape bot to pull tweets from Mentions directly. CA7746 bailed me out of a bit of a jam by reparsing the raw HTML of Twitter, a trick I’ve done once already but have evidently lost the code for. I was going to rewrite that parser tonight, but CA7746 has evidently spared me the difficulty.
My usual scrape bot, which pulls from @-mentions from the account proper, could only grab the last 200 statuses — a limitation of the API, it seems. Either I haven’t figured out how to paginate through the results properly, or it simply won’t let me do so the same way as paginating through a direct search for @MockTM would. I might rebuild the engine to grab transcripts from @MockTM searches, though that would mean we wouldn’t be able to limit the tweets pulled to only those people @MockTM has followed. That would mean letting potential spam in.
In case there’s anything spammy above the double-dash (haven’t had time to reread it all), let me know and I’ll pull it out.
@DrRubidium: I had better graphics in my 4th grade science fair solar system project
@brx0: Ooh, awesome 1995 CGI there.
@lousycanuck: Le Monde Entertainment. The world is not amused.
@szvan: Oh, the days of putting sparkles on your 3D graphic to make sure everyone noticed the work. #nostalgia
@blakestacey: Hold on while I adjust the tracking…
@blakestacey: A Film 101 Production
@brx0: Zomfg, is that Evil Fabio? I’m going to call him that, regardless.
@blakestacey: More hair than audiences have ever seen before!
@szvan: I think even the first GTA game had better graphics than this. Yes, the top-down one.
@lousycanuck: I wonder if the shadowy organization this guy represents get their money for nothing and their chicks for free?
@brx0: Hey kids, this isn’t CGI actually. The 1990s actually looked just like this.
@blakestacey: Um, I think someone played the CG demo reel by mistake.
@DrRubidium: I’m confused… is this an action movie or a work-out video?
@brx0: Now want to do a super cut of all movie logos that shatter dramatically.
@szvan: Damn, he looks proud of those graphics. Should we tell him?
@brx0: Shh, stay put little iguana.
@lousycanuck: Okay, iguana, guard our backs.
@leilah: Iguana sidekick? Suddenly, I like this movie. Not as good as a fruit bat, but still…
@blakestacey: Wait, what was the point of that?
@lousycanuck: "He’s survived eight assassination attempts. Why’s he come to us again? This guy’s got shit covered."
@blakestacey: "Live feed! On! Dubbed-over exposition, full power!"
@brx0: Also, montages of Men Running With Headsets.
@blakestacey: These assassins must have raided the costume closet of Satoris’ cult.
@szvan: I can seeeeee you.
@blakestacey: "I’d like to explain things to you now which I really should have discussed before."
@brx0: Ironically, I’m wearing a similar bathrobe right now. Grey though. FYI.
@blakestacey: Whoa! Perv-cam!
@blakestacey: Indiana Jones, he ain’t.
@DrRubidium: This is a comedy, right?! Am I the only one laughing hysterically?
@szvan: So this one isn’t a stealth assassin then.
@lousycanuck: Oh I hope we hear so much more of this guy’s Chaw Chaw.
@szvan: @DrRubidium Oh, hellz no.
@blakestacey: Still Life with Splatter Fragments
@brx0: Soon, we learn this is All Just Virtual Reality. I assume.
@lousycanuck: Hey, way to invert the trope by having the Asian guy suck at kung fu.
@brx0: So, Tae Bo is the art of yelling "CHAAA!!!" repeatedly while kicking people?
@blakestacey: "And we’re killing the hired help because…?"
@DrRubidium: I was unaware whips were standard assassin issue
@lousycanuck: "What, we gotta mop up the mooks too? Does Mario go for 100% goomba completion? Noooo!"
@brx0: Or maybe a tumblr of Men With Headsets Whipping Things. This film would feature prominently.
@DrRubidium: WHAT IS TEH DEAL WIT DAT LIZARD?!
@blakestacey: "Yeeeeeeaaaaah I’m throwing away the advantage of a ranged weaaaaaaaaapon!!"
@blakestacey: Meanwhile, in what appears to be a second movie…
@lousycanuck: That powder-blue Impala is so an inconspicuous choice for these agent dudes.
@szvan: Those are special-issue bullets that explode on impact with paper. From the back of the paper.
@lousycanuck: Agent Potamus: "Did you get that thing I sent you?"
@DrRubidium: "It’s called shoulder strength." See, this is a work-out video
@brx0: Virtual Arts Academy. Sounds legit.
@lousycanuck: You have to admit, it’s really hard to look cool in front of a wall of tires.
@szvan: Ah, those good, old laser punches.
@brx0: LOL CRT monitors
@blakestacey: Next match: IVY versus SOPHITIA!!
@DrRubidium: HOLY SHIT! That’s Andrea from The Walking Dead. Girl, you come up in the world!
@lousycanuck: Float like a butterfly, sting like a guy who should be carrying around a bag with a dollar sign on it.
@brx0: I may or may not have seen the 1995 Skinemax equivalent of this film.
@szvan: Kick him in the balls for extra points? But that’s *bad* fight training.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM Was that a gritty Hamburglar reboot?
@brx0: @MockTM They’ve secured the lunchroom. The bastards!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Cameo by Star Wars Kid!
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM The Shaolin Janitor’s Academy.
@leilah: @MockTM So, it’s going to be “HAI”s versus “CHAA”s?
@brx0: @MockTM Evil Fabio: “Perhaps a demonstration of my… staff’s abilities…”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM If you deliver what you say… you know, the ability to send assassins to kill people through the internet… HUGE market!
@blakestacey: @MockTM This evil lair is decorated in Early Modern Bank Lobby.
@brx0: @MockTM “Oh no, we never charge for demonstrations.” I like this guy. I think I’m siding with Evil Fabio here.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hi, I’m M. C. Hammer, I’m here to join the academy.
@brx0: @MockTM It’s awesome how they can look up our hero’s SNES stats screen when he’s at the front gate.
@szvan: @MockTM Such a good thing that the guy up on the lookout point is carrying…a staff?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow, these guys might be dangerous if someone accidentally walks within a foot in front of them.
@blakestacey: @MockTM +50 dudebro points
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Why the guards on the way in? And why were they carrying melee weapons instead of, you know, guns and shit?”
@szvan: @MockTM I always go to job interviews with my chest and stomach exposed. You?
@brx0: @MockTM Blanks gazes incredulously at the minions. You guys are doing my trademarked exercise moves all wrong, dammit.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Sex? Eww. She can do all that inside a computer? Eww.”
@brx0: @MockTM Nobody eats worse than movie FBI stakeout guys.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It says something that that building looks about on par with the opening CGI as pertains realism.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM … It says… direct from VHS.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Because nothing builds martial-arts experience like VR sex.
@brx0: @MockTM Hunt-n-peck typing. LOL.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I swear just before it showed the search popup that computer said “Gatsby, Great”.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Well, I can’t argue with the hats.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You’ve done well. Except you in the back, you still can’t beat Raiden. Get back in the sim and try again.”
@brx0: @MockTM We! Are! The! Force! That everyone wants!
@szvan: @MockTM Didn’t we play this level in Assassin’s Creed 3?
@leilah: @mocktm I see Evil Fabio went to the Shatner School of Acting..
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You’ve done well! Now for phase 2: turning the guy who mows the lawn into an energy being!”
@szvan: @MockTM I missed it. Were they chanting for porn?
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM Love me a sarcasticlap.
@brx0: @MockTM He’s got *EVERYTHING* on a floppy. Heh.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s all right here.” “Pictures?” “Everything.” “On a 3.5″ floppy? That’s what, 1.4 megs tops!”
@szvan: @MockTM @lousycanuck It’s all been converted to ASCII.
@brx0: @MockTM Ah, 1995, when we all wore big red vinyl vests just like that, amirite?
@blakestacey: @MockTM “If they only knew what I was really up to!” “Dude, Nazi salutes. If they don’t know you’re evil, they’re dumb as rocks”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I don’t see anything.” “We haven’t started up the floating head program yet. Give me a second. This is still running a 386.”
@brx0: @MockTM “It’s better to create an injury than to suffer one”. Deep, bro.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM This guy and his constant need for chest exposure…
@lousycanuck: @MockTM One punch and he explodes. Totally realistic.
@brx0: @MockTM Now fighting virtual KHAAAAAAN!!!!!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Impressive. Now let’s see how you do against level 6: this rock golem.”
@szvan: @MockTM Well, that was stealthy.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Khaaaaaaaaan!”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Furrow that white brow, French dude. I know, those lines are horrible, and thus difficult to remember.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We need an access card. And a copy of Visual Basic 3.0 to build a graphical user interface.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This is a self-expanding weapon. Just soak it in a bathtub of water overnight.”
@brx0: @MockTM This is pretty much the story of every vocational school that advertises on late night TV. Especially chef schools.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Evil Fabio is eating evil Oreos.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Eh, the one in BABYLON 5 is cooler.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Virtual toast and virtual orange juice. And that’s enough to antagonize young Mick Foley.
@brx0: @MockTM Oh hey, gratuitous fight scene.
@leilah: @mocktm Come on, that’s like the third craft services table! Do they really hate food that much?
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Not the potato salad!”
@brx0: @MockTM Key cards! Newfangled!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh man this slide card technology is so complicated! I can’t figure it out!!”
@brx0: @MockTM Files on the computer! Newfangled!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Only the best warriors can be in this elite little club, and yet because she’s a girl, she sits down and shuts up.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Please enter valid password”. “Please enter CORRECT password.” So picky, these computers!!
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Hey, he’s got Commander Keen on here.”
@leilah: @mocktm You need to find the back door? It’s down the hall, to the left.
@szvan: @MockTM “All right. Now demonstrate your showiest but least useful moves, everyone!”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I’ve always just sorta wanted to open a door to a bunch of ninjas training, then close it and move on with my life.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Let’s see…JOSHUA? No. SWORDFISH? No…”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I told you to trust me!” “But you just kidnapped me! FFS!”
@brx0: @MockTM So, that’s a big fail on the watching-of-prisoners front.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM It’s the staff staff.
@brx0: @MockTM Locking all the doors with the computer. Unix! I know this!
@szvan: @MockTM This may be the first known instance of someone getting completely wrapped up in a computer known to film.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What, you can’t open doors with those ninja hockey sticks, but Billy Blanks can kick them open?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That’s what this movie needed. A running montage.
@brx0: @MockTM Duh, “Eric”, you just handed over the MacGuffin. Dontcha know that’s a death sentence in this kind of movie?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey! That’s him!” “Him who?” “The guy we’re looking for!” “How do you know?” “He’s moving away from us, mostly.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, drop those bo staffs. They’re kinda useless anyway.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Filmed on location in a branch library stairwell.
@blakestacey: @MockTM All the VR training in the world can’t make up for the +5 main character modifier.
@szvan: @MockTM Careful, they put guys with staffs up there.
@brx0: @MockTM Duh, put out the torch guys, it’s the source of Evil Fabio’s magical powers.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh man, I hate being jacked in first thing in the morning.
@brx0: @MockTM “No, let the computer have them for a while.” This guy works in IT now, right?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Seriously? Their first opponent is a hair band?
@blakestacey: @MockTM This movie really loses for not having damage meters floating over their heads.
@brx0: @MockTM Oh c’mon. You can’t defeat 1995 crypto?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Maybe… just maybe… if I reverse the polarity of the neutron flow, and invert the thermal couplers… THERE! I’ve hacked in!”
@brx0: @MockTM Keep waiting for the “AMIGA RULEZ” easter egg in one of these fighting scenes.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, we’re paying SimCity now. That’s nice.
@brx0: @MockTM Oh, beating up a virtual reality clown. That’s low.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Hmm. Microsoft Movie Simulator 3.11.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Frenchman gets a samurai, Billy Blanks gets a literal clown.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Mitsurugi got really nerfed in this game.
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, I was wrong. VR juggalo. Kill it with fire.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And one more kick to the ankle while you’re already falling down, for good measure!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The funny thing about that fence was that it was neither locked nor electrified.
@brx0: @MockTM Another episode of Men Running With Headsets.
@blakestacey: @MockTM LIKE A ROCK
@szvan: @MockTM “I could kill you, you know.” “Let me threaten to take my money and walk peaceably out.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM If they nuked that house from orbit, not a shred of humanity would be lost.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Kinda gotta side with Goldberg, here.
@brx0: @MockTM So this is how Blackwater got its start, huh?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @szvan Yeah, the money is right there in that briefcase, they don’t have to do shit. Just kill this asshole and be done with it.
@szvan: @MockTM The dude who barely blinked when his hench-thug was killed three feet from him is getting queasy now?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Don’t play games, Frank. Especially not Soul Calibur. You suck at it.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Reinforcements have arrived.”
@szvan: @MockTM Aand the elite assassins are surprised by a shift change. Huh.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You’re sure this is the place?” “Yes. There was, you know, a shit ton of bullets flying at us from it, that made it easy to find.”
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, no. The elite assassins planned their move for the shift change. Uh-huh.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I’m all about acquiring guns from the enemy. Seven Samurai style, baby.”
@brx0: @MockTM “I haven’t had iguana since El Salvador”. Heh.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No! Alexander is dead! Who will avenge him!? Hopefully the iguana.
@szvan: @MockTM My prediction: Accent Dude and Only Woman with Speaking Lines will marry and make a nice home for the iguana.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Don’t worry about Billy, he’s only shooting Blanks. OH GOD KILL ME
@brx0: @MockTM Not a whole lot of tae bo going on in this machine gun fight though. Starting to feel cheated.
@szvan: @MockTM Good thing trained martial arts lady has been trained how to duck.
@brx0: @MockTM Hey wait, exploding natural gas tank? Didn’t the Mythbusters bust this one?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Eric! Are you all right?” “I’m getting too old for this shit!”
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Dammit, you just gave them the opportunity to walk away in slow motion!”
@szvan: @MockTM Temper, temper. Bad quality in a CEO. Gets you into trouble.
@leilah: @MockTM Awww. =/
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That’s right, close the door so they can’t see that you’re incapable of actually hotwiring a car.
@blakestacey: @MockTM I call dead guy breathing!
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM The iguana’s gonna perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!
@brx0: @MockTM Sadly, this world of brutal virtual reality assasins is what Google Glass has in store for us all. We were warned.
@brx0: @MockTM They didn’t overspend on fancy cars in this movie, did they? #FordLtdFtw
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ah, the reasonably-priced car chase scene!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Holy shit, they took a wrong turn straight into Afghanistan.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh man, we had to stop and turn around to look at that awesome explosion. Can you blame us?”
@brx0: @MockTM Oh ok. We’ll carjack a Porsche. As a federal agent does.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well we at least know that car is coming out of this movie intact. No way they’re wrecking a Porsche for this film.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “If the government can kill, why can’t I?” “Uh… you’re not the government?”
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You kill people.” “…that ’80s my hair!”
@leilah: @mocktm There seem to be an awful lot of French accents in this… *checks* Ah, yes. Filmed in Canada.
@brx0: @MockTM Time for Evil Fabio to lecture our heroine about his political philosophy. Bored now.
@szvan: @MockTM At this point, she’s wishing she gone with her first career choice, to teach civics to 14-year-olds.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM DAMMIT I’M GOING TO START A NATION OF PERT PLUS HAIRDOS SO I CAN RULE IT, BE THE GOVERNMENT AND FINALLY KILL PEOPLE!!!
@blakestacey: @MockTM We’ve taken a very strange swerve into constitutional law here.
@brx0: @MockTM What, it took all day to get back to the evil base? In a Porsche? Fail.
@brx0: @MockTM Oh hey, foggy boiler room. I bet a fight happens here.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You go for her, I go for Warbeck and the bomb. Because that’s fair, right? Two to one task split?”
@szvan: @MockTM It’s neat how some martial artists can make their opponents swing for an outstretched hand.
@brx0: @MockTM Will there be falling from catwalks? Steam hose to the face? Machinery to avoid being caught in?
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, wait, he says, I’ve remembered how to fight.
@brx0: @MockTM “Take him out”. Sage advice from the master, as always.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The subtle nuance everyone’s missing here is that this black on black violence is brought to you by an evil white CEO.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ooh, they both know the Kirk Kick. What an even match-up!
@blakestacey: @MockTM Man, they better be careful, fighting that close to the Enterprise’s warp core.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This guy’s special move is to fold his arms and frown at you disapprovingly.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @blakestacey I would kill for a cameo by James Doohan here.
@brx0: @MockTM Oh crap, they turned up the fog machine. I think these guys mean business.
@szvan: @MockTM Should someone tell them that when you start spraying blood from the mouth, you don’t just stop?
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, fight him yourself, big guy. Then we can end the movie.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM He was repeatedly refusing to fall down, so Billy threw him, then kindly helped him back to his feet so he could keep no-selling.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Nothing’s worse than a backseat kickboxer.
@brx0: @MockTM “It’s time for some steam cleaning!” Ok, I called that one.
@szvan: @MockTM That’s what I said.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @szvan So you’re going to enter this film and turn off this asshole’s computer, right?
@blakestacey: @MockTM “It’s time for some steamcleaning…dammit, I totally had something better for this.”
@szvan: @MockTM Justin, I know it’s worse for dramatic tension, but take out the bomb first.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Justiiiin.” *clink* *clink* “Come out to plaaaaay.”
@brx0: @MockTM Oh ok, Evil Fabio actually lives in virtual reality. It all makes sense now.
@szvan: @MockTM Okay sparkle-pants. Let’s see whether you can fight or just preen.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh man, that plastic centurion armour is like +5 to defense!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “By the way, you forgot about the side mission. Dumbass.”
@szvan: @MockTM So, preen then.
@brx0: @MockTM Really getting sick of that virtual reality chop-socky sound effect.
@leilah: @MockTM Oh no! They only have… twenty minutes to disarm the bomb.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh shit, I’ve seen this part of Resident Evil.
@brx0: @MockTM “I will thrive in the NEW world, where information is valued above all, in a network of computers” You have to admit he has a point.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM AND WE HAVE TITLE.
@leilah: @MockTM Hm. I know a few programmers who sound remarkably like Evil Fabio there.
@blakestacey: @MockTM At 1:20 into the movie: a use for the bo staff!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I was really expecting much more from you, Justin. The scanner at the gate said your power level was over nine thousand.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ohhh, kicked in the virtual nards. “Virtual-man got nards!?”
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM Looks like all those gouge-resisting eyelid exercises paid off!
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Saw this in Blade Runner, always wanted to try it.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM … RING OUT.
@brx0: @MockTM The big surprise is that “Eric” is still alive. I figured him as the sacrificial sidekick who needs avenging.
@szvan: @MockTM Not to spoil the moment, but she’s not going to be hugging anyone for a bit after that.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Quick, untie me! No. save the ropes for later.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM FINISH HIM. … Yeah, just like in Mortal Kombat, where your “finishing move” is the kick you’ve used through the match repeatedly.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Abort, retry, fail, motherfucker.”
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, some gratuitous fire suit work. Awesome.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Didn’t they sound the evacuation alarm like two minutes ago? This seems like natural selection that those guys are on fire.
@szvan: @MockTM If you’d gone for the bombs first, you wouldn’t have had to work on a timer. Just sayin’.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM Oh, it’s over.
@szvan: @MockTM “Were you ever worried?” “What? My character doesn’t have that much depth.”
@brx0: @MockTM A whole new breed of criminal: The CYBER CRIMINAL!!!! Lol, like that ever happened.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s over.” “Or is it?” “No, really, seriously. It’s over.”
@leilah: @mocktm Aww, they eloped!
@blakestacey: @MockTM Huh. At least they’re honest about labeling the one woman VR opponent as “dominatrix”.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Watch for the after-credits scene where Justin and Eric reveal their next film, Expect No Space Mercy.
@blakestacey: @MockTM … AND a wardrobe mistress! ::whipcrack::
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh please tell me the computer animation was done by Mainframe.
@leilah: @mocktm Is someone just hitting a keyboard randomly?
@szvan: @MockTM @leilah Sorry, that was my forehead.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM That was a merciless hour and a half, but I can’t say the title didn’t warn me.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Yeah, this had MCMXCV all over it.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh hell. I wasn’t running the scrape bot. Now I gotta find my other backup script that lets me convert raw HTML… *sigh*
@brx0: @MockTM Three years from now, when we all have Google Glass, I think I’ll do a festival of cheesy 90s VR movies. This one’s a shoo-in.
@CA7746: @MockTM @lousycanuck Heh. My subtitle app can do a twitter search after the fact, but I missed the movie.