I watched this movie on TV when I was young-ish, but I knew it only by its alternate title, I Come In Peace. I have distinct memories of how cool the CD-shooting weapon was, how awesome the main character’s roundhouse kick was and how infrequently he used it, how neat it was that we got to see the mechanic lady’s bra — shortly before she died a horrific death, and how suddenly guilty I felt for my twelve-year-old-ish self being excited just a moment prior.
I definitely don’t remember the gratuitous boobs in the strip club (because they were edited out for TV), nor That Guy Who Plays Criminal Savants In Everything having a name (much less “Boner”), nor did I notice exactly how horrible of actors everyone was. At that age, I remember liking it, but I also remember liking Super Mario Bros: The Movie with Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo so I was definitely not one to judge. OH BY THE WAY WE’RE ADDING THAT TO THE QUEUE.
CA7746 again provides the subtitle file for Dark Angel in White Supremacist and Multicultural formats. I mean, err, white-only text and multi-colored text. As usual, save them, rename them to the same as the movie file with the extension .srt, and keep in the same folder as the movie file, and load the movie in VLC.
There’s also a subtitle file for our last film in white-only, which is fitting for black-and-white movies. (With all white actors.)
Here’s our calendar of upcoming events. You can also subscribe to the iCal file.
@szvan: Alternate YouTube link for tonight’s @MockTM: https://t.co/zgtSf0hSKg
@lousycanuck: Starting in 15 mins!! RT @szvan: Mock the Movie: Good Alien, Bad Alien Edition: http://t.co/ZLznkGorMP @MockTM
@pzmyers: @MockTM I’m having my whisky straight. Past experience says I’ll need it.
@lousycanuck: @pzmyers @MockTM Dark and Squirmy, here. Well, half of one. Running low on Kraken.
@szvan: @lousycanuck @pzmyers @MockTM Classic Manhattan.
@pzmyers: @MockTM I have no Kraken! Move to Minnesota already so I can borrow some from you.
@lousycanuck: @pzmyers @MockTM You’re still going to be a three hour drive away. You might as well stick around then!
@pzmyers: @MockTM What? You aren’t moving to the civilized part of the state? Why bother, then?
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @pzmyers @MockTM … milk? sorry. i’m boring and on various medications.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Hush. The movie is starting.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh man I love this Cop Film font.
@pzmyers: @MockTM It’s Christmas time!
@szvan: @MockTM Ooh! It’s an historical!
@blakestacey: @MockTM wow, that’s really a typeface of its time
@blakestacey: @MockTM uh-oh! Kevin Spacey-lite has wandered into an X-Files episode!
@pzmyers: @MockTM Jeez. Pay attention to the road. These newfangled gadgets in cars will get people killed.
@pzmyers: @MockTM That CD Player really was a piece of crap.
@szvan: @MockTM Santa’s breaking the noise ordinances this year.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Merry fuckin’ Christmas.” Whoop, shouldn’t have said THAT, Spacey — Santa’s gonna bomb your car now.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Great. Now some giant bug is going to wear my skin like a businessman suit.”
@pzmyers: @MockTM Does his insurance policy cover Acts of Aliens?
@szvan: @MockTM Always walk *toward* the fire.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I am… The Kurrgan.”
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I come in peace, seeking cataract surgery.”
@pzmyers: @MockTM So…that was the good alien, right?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This alien’s gonna have to take some acting lessons to pull off that particular lie. Kaboom, “I come in peace”. Sure. I believeya.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Thirty-eight. THREE… EIGHT. No, how does that even sound remotely like seven?
@blakestacey: @MockTM i don’t think those ray-bans are really adequate eye protection
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Sergeant Redshirt reports to the evidence room.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Turtle” and “Rafael” on the same title card?! DISMISSED AS COINCIDENCE
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Surprise! Happy birthday to you!”
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Oh, yeah. Self-rising flour, baby.”
@pzmyers: @MockTM Hey, we have to keep our drugs under more elaborate lock&key in the lab. The police have it easy.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Written by Leonard Maas? Oedipa’s relative?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This music really ought to be The Great Escape music instead.
@szvan: @MockTM Now I get it. All those guys with douchey hair in the 80s were aliens, right?
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, cool. The humans are the psychopaths in this movie.
@blakestacey: @MockTM this guy runs on Dunkin!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dolph eating a burger. LIKE A BOSS
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Let me give you just one example: I totally clean up playing along with Jeopardy!”
@pzmyers: @MockTM Awesome 70s-style black guy mustache. Movie is made!
@pzmyers: @MockTM “The University of Suck My Dick.” I’m liking the black dude.
@leilah: @MockTM That’s A-grade baking soda!
@blakestacey: @MockTM This is the weirdest ITT Tech ad i’ve ever seen
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Real subtle, guys. Make sure everyone on the street sees your gun before you hide it in your trenchcoat.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM ONOES, the sidequest just got your partner killed, Dolph. You suck at teh multitasking.
@CA7746: @MockTM Feliz Navi-die!
@pzmyers: @MockTM The alien must be a coke fiend.
@blakestacey: @MockTM this movie has some serious issues with compact discs
@szvan: @MockTM Peace, huh? Someone needs to adjust his universal translator.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Get it? GET IT? It’s like the CD that Spacey foreshadowed at the beginning!
@pzmyers: @MockTM Look at what all those drugs will do to your eyeballs!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ray’s not here, man.”
@leilah: @MockTM 90s technology FTW.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM COME ON, RAY, WALK IT OFF!
@blakestacey: @MockTM so, heroin has what street value on Rigel VII?
@DrRubidium: @MockTM FYI: Dolph Lundgren studied chemical engineering. Had a Fulbright to MIT. #4realz
@lousycanuck: @DrRubidium @MockTM Nice! I had no idea.
@CA7746: @MockTM How far away was that robbery?
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that is the worst fingerprinting technique I’ve ever seen.
@pzmyers: @MockTM @DrRubidium Next you’re going to tell me Sylvester Stallone went to Oxford.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Now turn in your gun and badge, Lundgren, you’re a loose cannon!”
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Wait, you put real money in the briefcase? Dude, I thought that was, like, Xeroxed.”
@pzmyers: @MockTM I wonder if Ray was just days away from retirement.
@leilah: @DrRubidium @mocktm Seriously awesome.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You’re now officially a cop on the edge, and THAT’S AN ORDER.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Step into my office.” *flush*
@szvan: @MockTM Turns out Fozzie became a cop.
@DrRubidium: @MockTM OF COURSE, the black guy has to die! What is this, the #walkingdead?
@leilah: @mocktm “But I’m on vacation!”
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I know things. Like the secret origin of each member of Captain Napalm’s Thermonuclear League of Liberty.”
@szvan: @MockTM They picked out this wardrobe before they knew they couldn’t get Swayze.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I’m the youngest man to reach my level of twerpitude at the Bureau.”
@CA7746: @MockTM It was ho-ho-homicide.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Eight days, Jack, and not even a phone call. Or a postcard. Or a singing telegram.”
@blakestacey: @MockTM “It was razor thin and razor sharp. The first blade lifted, the second blade cut. The other three blades were marketing.”
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I like abuse as much as the next girl”? Whoa. At least 37 Shades of Grey there.
@laencleardale: Is there an over/under on “you know what I mean” in this movie? I’m taking 20 @MockTM
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “But I have a side job, see. Selling these fine leather jackets.”
@szvan: @MockTM Wow. Those teeth are so much cleaner than the rest of her.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I follow my instincts. No, Instinct. It’s the name of my dog, see.”
@szvan: @MockTM Meet Instincts. I got him when he was a puppuy.
@laencleardale: You keep saying these words, I do not think they mean what you think they mean….@MockTM
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Dexter? Who’s out there? Hope it’s not some kind of murderous person, better just be Dexter.”
@szvan: @MockTM Ooooh. Self-powering neon.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “First tubule’s free. Second one’ll cost you… YOUR LIFE.”
@blakestacey: @MockTM sluurrrrrrrrp
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Gratuitous boobs. I don’t remember THIS on the TV version.
@szvan: @MockTM Ah, the go-to actor for playing criminal savants.
@pzmyers: @MockTM All guys with mustaches look alike in this movie.
@pzmyers: @MockTM THey’re there to “pump boner”. Ooh.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Phrasing.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “To pump Boner. Nice technique.” And I doubt it was written on purpose.
@blakestacey: @MockTM other bar patrons are remarkably chillaxed about casual gunplay
@laencleardale: @pzmyers @MockTM Isn’t that a republican spending plan?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM NOT THE BOOZE! YOU MONSTERS!!!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Just had to check his hand-held device for directions, see. He’s an ALIEN. With ALIEN TECHNOLOGY.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ah, delicious brain goo.
@szvan: @MockTM An exploding Cushman? Really?
@pzmyers: @MockTM Blood. Cerebrospinal fluid. A little absinthe, he’d have a fine cocktail there.
@laencleardale: Did he actually just say he is going to report him for mis-treating his boner?? @MockTM
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Fuckin’ Apple Maps. Is this even the right *planet*?”
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM This Boner guy’s name just keeps paying off.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Stereo speakers are apparently just the thing for transporting high-tech kinetic energy weapons.
@pzmyers: @MockTM NOOOO! Sip the wine! Don’t guzzle it!
@laencleardale: BTW I’m a little confused. Is the bad guy the one targeting individuals or indescriminately blowing up city blocks? @MockTM
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Interesting painting. Switzer manual page 17: paintings should be still-life only.”
@pzmyers: @MockTM Good question.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Good. Bad. They’re both the ones with the super-destructive disc guns.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I had you figured wrong. Thought you were more of the ‘Mitchell’ type.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I wanted to apologize.” “Dammit, I knew it was a mistake opening the door.”
@szvan: @MockTM Fine. No foreplay then.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey hey what’s with all the casual domestic abuse?
@pzmyers: @MockTM The punching WAS the foreplay.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Promise me something.” “No.” “Nothing?” “Not even waiting til you get off too.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And that woman just made the only paycheck involved with this movie that didn’t come at the price of your reputation, by saying “hi”
@blakestacey: @MockTM and here’s our contractual edging-through-door-with-gun-drawn shot
@szvan: @MockTM “What are you trying to say?” “Nothing. I can’t remember my next line.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Did anyone catch that Pepsi-Cola product placement? That’s from back when they were *almost* subtle.
@laencleardale: See the problem is that the movie is from 1990. 80’s movie the guy with drugs is automatically the bad guy, 90’s we can’t be so sure @MockTM
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This guy is what I imagine @pzmyers is like in classrooms.
@blakestacey: @MockTM how many times are they going to show the head-liquid-extraction scene before it makes sense?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, I see, that’s like a radio call sign. K-I-L-L. Very clever, Professor Wacky.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Not self induced? You mean there isn’t some new fad of injecting heroin directly into your sternum?”
@szvan: @MockTM I hope she knows it’s the spinning blade, not the sound, that makes the cut.
@pzmyers: @MockTM What? Something in this movie is supposed to make sense?
@blakestacey: @MockTM contractual chase scene!
@pzmyers: @MockTM Yeah, but it’s a chase scene with a STATION WAGON.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Come on, Donnie, haven’t you ever heard of a shortcut?”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And the amount of damage this station wagon is going to take in this movie entirely explains the choice of vehicles.
@pzmyers: @MockTM The car alarms are less annoying than the soundtrack.
@szvan: @MockTM There, that’s all the alarm noises we could come up with.
@blakestacey: @MockTM deliberately setting off car alarms? that’s beyond cop-on-the-edge into just asshole territory
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Stock-brokerrrrrs… come out to plaa-aaaaay!
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, shit. They got up. Now I don’t have a clear line of fire. Think, Caine, before you act!
@CA7746: @MockTM Evil VP needs a Boehner tan to match the office.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “OK. You do know how much this guy has been pissing me off, right?”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Strongarmed into doing a drug deal. Well, rubber-armed. Dolph didn’t want to tip them off that he’s done this kinda thing before.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Holy shit where’d you get that gun, alien dude?” “My matrilineal relation gave it to me.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What WAS that?” “Uh, a dude. In a trenchcoat. With white hair and cataracts. And a big fucking gun.”
@blakestacey: @MockTM so, i’m guessing that the cerebrospinal fluid of people high on heroin is itself a drug on this dude’s home planet?
@pzmyers: @MockTM The economics of traveling to a distant planet to steal a couple of briefcases of heroin don’t make much sense.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oop, everyone, listen up, here’s the scienceish exposition!
@CA7746: @MockTM Aliens from Canada!?
@blakestacey: @MockTM Called it!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Never mind, the exposition happened off screen and we’ll have to trust Dolph to remember it all. Comic hijinx ensue.
@leilah: @MockTM Wait a minute. Wasn’t this exactly the plot of Liquid Sky?
@szvan: @MockTM Dude, like you couldn’t have started shooting *before* he killed the dudes?
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Cleanup, aisles 3 through 21!”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I come in peace.” *shoot shoot shoot* Reminds me of Kirk. So these aliens saw that episode of ST:TOS too, huh?
@szvan: @MockTM Allow me to skip away from the scene!
@szvan: @MockTM Good thing those cops know how to sweep a perimeter.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What does that mean, ‘taken care of?'” “Well, see, that’s when issues are resolved. You can check them off your to-do list.”
@blakestacey: @MockTM “oog, my marshmallow center is leaking.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well your team sucks. They won’t even make the playoffs this year. And their draft picks are all assholes.”
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM Hope that marshmallow doesn’t stain the upholstery. Hey, what happened to the station wagon?
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM Somebody get some peanut butter and Wonder Bread, stat!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “He speaks english?” “And he’s humanoid. Only physical attribute is contacts and a funny forehead. Yup, he’s from Star Trek.”
@pzmyers: @MockTM these aliens don’t have transgenic technology? Just show ’em how to grow peptides in E. coli.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oops, now you’ve done it, two promises at the same time. Figure your way outta THIS dilemma, Dolph.
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, Dolph. You’re so persuasive.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ooh, omelettes and eggs. Dolph s a prognosticator!
@szvan: @MockTM “That’s your problem, Mitch. You trust people.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That’s right, throw the book at him. Except literally.
@blakestacey: @MockTM so, they just leave the body to…soak?
@CA7746: @MockTM I’m sure the FBI won’t investigate or anything.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, sure, sure, it’s just a gun, no possibility of biometric security or, you know, need to refill.
@szvan: @MockTM I want a gun that makes everything explode.
@blakestacey: @MockTM good thing main characters have different magnetic properties than extras
@pzmyers: @MockTM what’s the point of a mega-boom-boom gun if you still can’t hit anything?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Interesting inertia on that gun, recoiling only after shooting a bazillion rounds.
@szvan: @MockTM So endorphins sound like an 80s art-rock band?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What are you doing?” “Got an idea. Take your clothes off.”
@CA7746: @MockTM We thought you were an alien who wants his fanny pack.
@blakestacey: @MockTM girlfriend!
@blakestacey: @MockTM called it!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I dunno guys, he’s walking down the yellow line in a closed street. PLENTY of clear shots there.
@szvan: @MockTM Can I also have the alien technology that makes a handgun sound like a plinker?
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I need backup!” … “Backup! Not a saxophone section!”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I love how this alien is capable of driving a car.
@blakestacey: @MockTM they’re gonna drive into a shopping mall and hit the Blues Brothers coming the other way
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The part of the movie where they rip off Blues Brothers.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Evasive Pedestrian Technology on this planet is remarkably advanced.
@szvan: @MockTM Damn. He’s an alien. How does he know this neighborhood so well?
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You in the police car! You are driving a municipal vehicle without authorization!” –officer Whineyvoice
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, it landed on its wheels, DRIVEAWAY!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, Dolph with the adventure gamer ethos. Grab the thing that isn’t nailed to the car. The speaker. Yeah. Handy later, I wager.
@blakestacey: @MockTM can’t have an action movie finale without an abandoned steel mill
@lousycanuck: @MockTM How many abandoned factories WERE there in the 80s anyway?
@szvan: @MockTM That’s it. Stand behind the gun with the major kickback.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM This is one of those factories that manufactures mood lighting and fog.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh, he’s going for it, he’s going for it. Then the little snakes will pop out when he opens it. *mmph mmph* keep quiet shh shh!”
@pzmyers: @MockTM Jeezus. He can’t hit ANYTHING with that damned gun.
@drskyskull: @pzmyers @MockTM I believe Joe Biden has been saying exactly the same thing for weeks!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So is that a gun from Borderlands or something? SMG with rocket rounds?
@laencleardale: Normally I’m against dropping a gun because it’s empty…but does he really think there is a chance of finding a reload somewhere? @MockTM
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM The soundtrack vacillates between ripping off the Terminator and Peter Gunn.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Don’t worry about him, he landed in the dumpster full of car roofs.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Point blank range, and now the alien won’t shoot. Is he afraid he’ll miss?
@laencleardale: That probe coming at him while he struggles with an open mouth…nah that isn’t trying to imply anything. @MockTM
@CA7746: @MockTM Raiden forgot to say “Get over here!”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Careful, the heroin needle is prehensile!
@pzmyers: @MockTM Why am I thinking of penis fencing right now?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Um, why would you break your own weapon because it was turned on you once?
@pzmyers: @MockTM Super-gun can’t hurt him, but rusty jagged pipe will. Right.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “Pipe down!”
@CA7746: @MockTM Toasty!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And you go in pieces.” OHH THAT’S A ONE-LINER. Win!
@CA7746: @MockTM To everyone whose sound cut out during the credits: Blame these folks.
@blakestacey: @MockTM You know what this movie needed? More Rutger Hauer, that’s what.
@szvan: @MockTM Well, that’s over.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Good to see a movie that gives Boner due credit.
@laencleardale: @lousycanuck @MockTM It’s called tough love, if you had jesus in your heart you would know, gah I can’t even type that with a straight face.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM NEEDED MORE EXPLOSIONS.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM Something tells me the writers started with that final one-liner and worked backwards.
@blakestacey: @MockTM at least they had a crew member solely dedicated to Mr. Lundgren’s Hair.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Sorry, I can’t be bothered to wait for the after-credits scene with more deleted quotes from the Book of Switzer.
@szvan: @MockTM And then Brian Benben got a career so he never had to do that again.
@brx0: Had to work late & missed yet another @MockTM. This is getting annoying.
@pzmyers: @MockTM the closing theme is “Touch me tonight”. Does everything in this movie have to be about Boner?
@CA7746: @MockTM Don’t pull into a tree lot under spooky circumstances. Natural trees really are a fire hazard!
@blakestacey: @MockTM they lie. all these songs were really by Foreigner.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @pzmyers But what about the men? Why don’t they get any roles in this movie!? WHY MUST YOU ATTACK THE BONER?! Misandry!
@leilah: @mocktm Hoo boy. =) Thanks, all, I needed a good dose of Dolph!
@blakestacey: @MockTM and now YouTube recommends a whole marathon of Van Damme, Lundgren and Seagal movies
@pzmyers: @blakestacey That’s the problem with @MockTM . It corrupts your history forevermore.