Feb 28 2013

Mock The Movie: Cat Women of the Moon transcript

So I screwed up the tweet-recording of this gloriously horrible hour long film. The logger was apparently not running at all through the entire movie. So I rejiggered the script to pull all the tweets available, but sadly, the Twitter API is kinda limiting and only grabbed the last 200 @-mentions. Other API methods support pagination to pull more than 200 per API-call, but apparently not Mentions, so I had to go to the Twitter web interface and save an HTML dump of the entire movie, then whip up a quick parser to parse it to something approximating my usual transcript style. The only flaws are that hashtags aren’t delinked, and the timestamp is in a different format that I simply couldn’t be bothered to reparse to the usual format. So the first half of the transcript will be slightly different from the second half, and I’ve marked where it switches to the usual style with a double-dash. (If you care.)


Anyway, this movie contained a lot of women acting pretty much like every straw-feminist trope in the book. And the only woman we were supposed to sympathize with spent the entire movie either enthralled by the evil straw-feminist moon cat women things via their mental telepathy, or enthralled by the thuggish physical ministrations of the man she loved. It was a riotous and rollicking adventure through nonsense, with an abrupt murderous end that happens almost entirely off-camera. It’s like they ran out of money to actually continue paying the Hollywood Cover Girls, so they decided to end it by shouting about their deaths from offscreen. A fitting end to such prototypical examples of the imaginary creature that is the straw-feminist, anyway.

@DrRubidium: I have fixed myself a double, gotten out my knitting, and am ready for@MockTM #letsdothisyo
9:58 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM the trailer says they’re no like no women ever seen, either.
9:59 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM All queued up, all set up with my drinks et cetera. Let’s make with the mocking! Erm, in two minutes??
9:59 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM Good. Time to slosh up a hard one.
10:00 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@MockTM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand … …. … go!
10:00 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Produced by Efrem Zimbalist Jr
10:00 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM The credits seem to think I care who these people are.
10:00 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Starring the Hollywood Cover Girls, who are entirely unlike any women ever seen… apparently.
10:01 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM Hollywood cover girls will be covering…what?
10:01 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@brx0: @MockTM Drat, parental IT duty intrudes again, so no mocking today. I’ll make it one of these times. Sigh.
10:01 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Space. The final frontier. Which humans can barely penetrate.
10:01 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM as opposed to their known secrets.
10:02 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM @brx0 We miss you.
10:02 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@DrRubidium: @MockTM somebody – actually a few somebodies – wrote an actual screen play for this #4realz
10:02 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@SpokesGay: @DrRubidium”>@DrRubidium https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ld8J5Hb8GSI&wide=1 … I’m about 3 min in
10:04 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM *kick* Welp, that console wasn’t important anyway. And it righted itself in the very next scene.
10:04 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@CA7746: @MockTM Woman does her hair. Check.
10:04 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wait. Leaping off your bed like that ought to splat you into the ceiling, right?
10:04 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@drskyskull: @MockTM ”Space… we made it.” Kinda hard to *miss* space, to be honest.
10:04 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I don’t know what ‘Code 63′ is, but it would make a good name for a bar
10:05 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@CA7746: @MockTM Woman has intuition. Check.
10:05 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@drskyskull: @MockTM I believe we still were using those chairs when I was in graduate school.
10:05 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM ”Initial report: I need to trim some split ends.”
10:05 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM ”Of course I’m sure. You didn’t really think that was a mirror, did you?
10:05 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@drskyskull: @MockTM ”We will report again at 1400, and will spout some more random gibberish numbers at you.”
10:05 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM ”Traveling in space!” Exactly the data ground control needs.
10:06 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@DrRubidium: @MockTM there is no way homegirl can maintain that wet-set in space #justsaying
10:06 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@drskyskull: @MockTM Walt Wallis doesn’t fool me — he’s actually Walt Disney in disguise.
10:06 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM PRODUCT PLACEMENT
10:06 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@CA7746: @MockTM Hey, where’d the stars go?
10:06 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM ”We’re on our way.” This gang really loves to state the obvious.
10:06 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Why is office furniture from my middle school in their rocket?
10:07 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM The greasy guy would be advertising lube.
10:07 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM ”Ten hours flight, that’s plenty of time to finish with my hair.”
10:07 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@drskyskull: @MockTM The curved shape of their spaceship is perfect for entering Uranus #suppository
10:07 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM That’s not a meteor. You’re a range test. Why did you think you were talking to White Sands?
10:07 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@DrRubidium: @MockTM ”That new lubrication… sure turned the trick..” WHAT THE HELL kinda movie is this?! :-0
10:08 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM if it weren’t for the dramatic music, that would look exactly like MY middle school.
10:08 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@drskyskull: @MockTM ”For the rest of this journey, we operate strictly by the book.” OH, SHIT — WE ONLY BROUGHT TWILIGHT
10:08 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM ”Atom Chamber. Nitric Acid. Sasquatch. Candyman. Other scary things.”
10:09 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @SpokesGay”>@SpokesGay Tweet at @DrRubidium I think they’ve got the lockers from my high school!
10:09 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM Every spaceship needs an atom chamber and nitric acid. For the exploding.
10:09 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dude, that space suit is totally permeable by atoms.
10:09 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
10:09 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@DrRubidium: @MockTM why the fuck did they bring HNO3 into space?
10:09 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM If those are nitric acid fumes, I think they’re all dead already.
10:10 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM I know this is a short movie, but I still may need more absinthe.
10:10 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@drskyskull: @MockTM Did he go into the nitric acid chamber or the septic tank?
10:10 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @pzmyers”>@pzmyers @DrRubidium Or women, or running a space program, or….
10:13 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM Ooh, creepy stalkerish monologue…followed by sucking his thumb. He’s a MRA!
10:14 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM ”Who is Alpha?” “Who is driving?” “Bear is driving?” “What? How can this be!?”
10:14 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM SPACE MADNESS!!!
10:14 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@CA7746: @MockTM It’s not like we sent survey probes first or anything.
10:14 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM ”How could you possibly know anything about the dark side?” “I time-travelled too far, Pink Floyd hasn’t released that album yet.”
10:15 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM ”I don’t know why I know it.” Because all women of any species are a single hive mind. Duh.
10:15 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@drskyskull: @MockTM It’s nice that they’ve got a planet screensaver so they don’t burn out their CRT.
10:15 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM Female astronaut is coming under the influence of the moon, obviously. They’re sensitive that way.
10:15 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM She could start menstruating any minute now.
10:15 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@DrRubidium: @MockTM There is a bright side of the moon #funfact
10:16 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM ”Don’t worry, I’ve clocked a thousand hours in the arcade at Lunar Lander, I could land this baby on the 100-points in my sleep.”
10:16 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM Hey, wait! The chick did have a good idea!
10:16 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@CA7746: @MockTM Woman comments on shoes. Check.
10:16 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@drskyskull: @MockTM These astronauts are complete morons, but they seem like Richard Feynmans compared to the crew of “Prometheus.”
10:17 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, “HEAVY BOOTS”. I know this one.
10:17 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM 20 year old internet memes. Just ask the old guy.
10:17 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Cigarettes are worth criticizing, guns are worth criticizing, but an LA road sign is standard issue?
10:17 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Does this suit come in stilettos?
10:17 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM It’s so nice that they had all that extra cargo space and weight allowance.
10:17 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, uh, when are we? #joininglate
10:17 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM about 18 minutes in.
10:18 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@CA7746: @MockTM 18:15
10:18 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM Hah! Obviously faked on a sound stage.
10:18 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well, uh, that’s one small step for, uh, me. One regular-sized jump because gravity is Earth-normal here.
10:18 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Crop circles on the moon!
10:18 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@blakestacey: @MockTM ”That’s one small step for man, one flat matte painting for mankind.”
10:19 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wait, is he actually yelling up to the ship?
10:19 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM Who needs meteors when you can just build circular rock walls?
10:19 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@blakestacey: @MockTM This guy should make “oodie oodie oodie” noises when he walks
10:19 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM ”I don’t recognize any of the constellations here.” “That’s because we’re not on earth any more.”
10:19 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM It’s the exact same star view everytime. Don’t they even tilt their heads, maybe?
10:20 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@blakestacey: @MockTM There was a lot of general milling around in the early space program.
10:20 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@drskyskull: @MockTM ”Sooo… this is the Moon, huh? It’s… okaaay, I guess.”
10:20 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Um, did they just show a full moon from the perspective of somebody standing on the moon?
10:20 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM ”We’ll head that way.” “Any particular reason?” “On our way down I noticed a shoe shop and I told you already, these are HEAVY.”
10:20 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM She sure knows a lot about the geography. Intuition?
10:20 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That “meteorite” sure did burn up in the moon’s “atmosphere”. Lucky they all ducked!
10:21 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM Meteorites sound just like whistling petes.
10:21 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@SpokesGay: @MockTM ”Why, this moon—as you say—gravity is so light I could wear three pairs of fake lashes instead of the standard NASA one!”
10:21 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM It’s nice that the moon has an atmosphere so those meteorites can become just tiny rocks for the walls.
10:21 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@drskyskull: @MockTM From the panic brought on by a meteor, it’s clear that they have no Russians on their space crew.
10:21 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@blakestacey: @MockTM ”Here we are at a…dry lakebed!”
10:22 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM ”There it is, a Payless, just like Helen said.”
10:22 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@SpokesGay: @MockTM ”Guess? No. It was no guess. Woman’s intuition, I say. By the book.”
10:22 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM And this is why women never *need* to stop for directions.
10:22 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@blakestacey: @MockTM ”There it is, just like Helen said. Hey, the girl got something right.”
10:23 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM ”What are you driving at?” “That women are born with GPS. It’s the only explanation!!”
10:23 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Helen, you know you’re taking the fall for all the bad shit that’s about to happen, right?!
10:23 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM @blakestacey That’s been, like, *twice* now.
10:23 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wait, why is a cave more interesting than any other place they could visit ON THE SURFACE OF THE MOON?
10:24 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@drskyskull: @MockTM I like to think they have different helmets for a reason, other than “this was what we found at the county dump.”
10:24 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM ”I don’t want to lose anybody. Well, I mean, you’re the only one who knows where we’re going. I don’t want to be lost.”
10:24 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@DrRubidium: @MockTM enough with the book already!
10:24 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM ”Maybe this is the dream. And maybe our reality is controlled by dreamers in another universe. Deeeeeeeep, maaaaaaan.”
10:24 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM ”TOO HEAVY BOOTS.”
10:25 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM We have gravity, and water, therefore sure we should take off our helmets. That’s good logic.
10:25 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM Sure, *now* they understand burning.
10:26 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@drskyskull: @MockTM ”Let Bill take off his helmet first — we all agreed he was the one we would miss least.”
10:26 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@blakestacey: @MockTM Yes, air makes it hard to walk.
10:26 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dammit, no, Walt, you just invented the next woo we have to stomp. Moon mist for chronic coughs and asthma indeed. You ass.
10:26 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
10:26 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Good thing that cave entrance was airtight.
10:27 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@CA7746: @MockTM Woman shrieks and flees. Check. There’s a problem with the men though.
10:27 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Le shriek!
10:27 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM magnetic field…gravity…fumfum fuh. The quality of the scientific rationalizations in this movie is stunning.
10:27 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@drskyskull: @MockTM @lousycanuck Actually, this movie is frighteningly similar to Prometheus.
10:27 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, nobody wonders why the air doesn’t escape through the open cave entrance?
10:27 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM Yay! Giant spider on a string!
10:27 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
10:28 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Punch it! Punch it! That’s right! That’s its one weakness, being lightly punched!
10:28 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM Hold it, why are they killing it?
10:28 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@CA7746: @MockTM Woman faints. Check.
10:28 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
10:28 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Helen, the reason we can’t get love and friendship is because aliens are always assholes #truefact
10:28 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a good thing they’ve got Helen to move the plot along.
10:28 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Translated from spiderese: “Hey guys, welcome to the Moon! Are you new around here– OH GOD WHY DID YOU SHOOT ME”
10:28 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@DrRubidium: @MockTM How come NASA never noticed those big fucking spiders on the dark side of the moon?
10:29 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@drskyskull: @MockTM ”Spiders? You silly twits, we’ve landed on MARS!” #Ziggy
10:29 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Say, does anyone else have a funny feeling about that dame?
10:29 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@CA7746: @MockTM That stagehand is awfully distracting.
10:29 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@pzmyers: @MockTM Hey, they didn’t think they’d have to guard the spaceship. SPIDER JOYRIDE TIME!
10:29 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013
@SpokesGay: @MockTM ”Nothing. . she just made the ASL sign for ‘camel toe’ at me. Why, Bill. . why?”
10:30 p.m. – Feb 27, 2013

@blakestacey: @MockTM And for this, the giant spiders decided to invade Earth! (Starting with Wisconsin.)
2013-02-28 02:30:10
@DrRubidium: @MockTM yes, yes, Helen is a delicate flower. Or she’s planning to kill every last motherfucking one of you sons of bitches.
2013-02-28 02:30:33
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Get your hands off me you. .you. . galoot!
2013-02-28 02:30:34
@drskyskull: @MockTM @lousycanuck *Voiceover* “And so… the foolish human crew initiated a thousand year war with the peaceful moon spiders.”
2013-02-28 02:30:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I don’t think Kip is afraid of anything, Helen. Unless the moon has clowns. I hear he is petrified by them.”
2013-02-28 02:30:39
@CA7746: @MockTM Emotional. Check.
2013-02-28 02:30:41
@IamJadehawk: @lousycanuck @MockTM because it’s a spider –> http://t.co/8ZUP0WcFsm
2013-02-28 02:31:01
@pzmyers: @mocktm Spacesuits gone. I told you, SPIDER JOYRIDE!
2013-02-28 02:31:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We can’t go back, the obvious thing is to dig upward. Or downward. OH GODS GRAVEL FELL ON US! MOON GRAVEL!!!” #minecraft
2013-02-28 02:31:39
@pzmyers: @mocktm OK, clouds now too?
2013-02-28 02:31:44
@szvan: @MockTM “You seem very proud of yourself, Helen.” “Well, someone had to make up for you jerks.”
2013-02-28 02:31:48
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Helen’s all “you ain’t the boss of me!”
2013-02-28 02:32:07
@drskyskull: @MockTM “There can’t be another world in the bowels of the Moon.” I TOLD you their spaceship looked like a suppository!!!
2013-02-28 02:32:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh and now you’re looting the precious artefacts of the great spider people, of whom you just wiped out the last two.
2013-02-28 02:32:41
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “Bill, the moon is not for smoking.”
2013-02-28 02:32:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM Buddhist Greeks from SPACE!
2013-02-28 02:32:46
@CA7746: @MockTM Why’s there oxygen? Dunno. Hey, let’s start a fire!
2013-02-28 02:32:52
@szvan: @MockTM “Cold. I’m pretty sure heat dispersal takes years way up here.”
2013-02-28 02:32:55
@DrRubidium: @MockTM the moon has bowels #funfact
2013-02-28 02:32:56
@pzmyers: @mocktm You can tell how old ashes are by their temperature. They take centuries to cool.
2013-02-28 02:33:09
@pzmyers: @mocktm I am learning so much!
2013-02-28 02:33:19
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “Bill. . do you like my slacks?”
2013-02-28 02:33:39
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “It was like a lady, but not a lady, you know?
2013-02-28 02:34:20
@CA7746: @MockTM Oh no. The fire!
2013-02-28 02:34:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM “So, about that 250,000-Mile-High club…”
2013-02-28 02:34:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well, while you two are feebly wrestling, I’ll just slip behind this pillar… Doo dee doo… Not a cat-woman plant or nothin’…
2013-02-28 02:34:50
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “It’s full of hair-dos. . .”
2013-02-28 02:34:52
@szvan: @MockTM “Come on, Helen. Scream so we know where you are!”
2013-02-28 02:35:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Our fire went out! Something must have happened to the atmosphere!”
2013-02-28 02:35:17
@pzmyers: @mocktm They seem so disappointed that the fire went out. They’re like boy scouts on the moon.
2013-02-28 02:35:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Cold. The fire must have been out for centuries.”
2013-02-28 02:35:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Spread out! Our attackers can’t possibly outnumber us!”
2013-02-28 02:35:38
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Welcome to Castratulon Prime, Helen.
2013-02-28 02:36:00
@pzmyers: @Mocktm they’ll give her one hour. And then what?
2013-02-28 02:36:19
@drskyskull: @MockTM SHUT UP ABOUT THE GODDDDDAnaanaaammmm BokOKklokkk!
2013-02-28 02:36:24
@szvan: @MockTM Do they have pointy ears to go with those eyebrows?
2013-02-28 02:36:35
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “Sorry about that Doug, but it’s sisters before misters.” ~ Helen
2013-02-28 02:36:39
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “It is called. . . telepathy.”
2013-02-28 02:36:39
@CA7746: @MockTM Phew. Telepathy, not intuition.
2013-02-28 02:36:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Welcome back, Helen. I’m Alpha, this is Beta, and this is Sigma, and this is Upsilon, and this is Lambda, and this is…”
2013-02-28 02:37:12
@drskyskull: @MockTM Does anyone else find it odd that the Moon women have a toilet seat cover hanging on their wall?
2013-02-28 02:37:14
@pzmyers: @mocktm They can project their thoughts, but they still need to move their lips.
2013-02-28 02:37:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM Alpha, Beta, Lambda…so, there are fewer than 30 of them in all?
2013-02-28 02:37:28
@szvan: @MockTM “We need no language, Helen. We can move our lips in random ways that just seem to synch up with your words.”
2013-02-28 02:37:33
@drskyskull: @MockTM @pzmyers “… and then we’ll give her another hour!”
2013-02-28 02:37:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We have no use for men. Except for reproduction. DEATH BY SNOO-SNOO”
2013-02-28 02:37:49
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “These. . ‘men,’ that you describe. There is no place for them in the Gynocratic Emperium.”
2013-02-28 02:37:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This is like a sci-fi version of every straw-feminist trope ever.
2013-02-28 02:38:22
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “I should care what happens. . but fuck them gurl.”
2013-02-28 02:38:37
@szvan: @MockTM Clearly, it’s the shoulder wiggle that makes the telepathy work.
2013-02-28 02:38:43
@SpokesGay: @lousycanuck @MockTM YES.
2013-02-28 02:38:50
@pzmyers: @mocktm Oh, right. THey were running out of oxygen, so they killed all the men first.
2013-02-28 02:38:54
@pzmyers: @mocktm Moon Feminists!
2013-02-28 02:39:12
@drskyskull: @MockTM “I should care what happens to them… but quite frankly they’re sexist douchebags.”
2013-02-28 02:39:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’ve been trying to convince them that we’re their friends. But you have testicles, and you know what feminists think of that.”
2013-02-28 02:39:53
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “Where have you been?” “Fighting Miss Crawford for her wig, dumbass. Have you seen our shooting budget?”
2013-02-28 02:39:57
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “I should care what happens to them, but they’re all assholes, so I don’t.” ~ Helen
2013-02-28 02:40:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Where have you been?” “Uh, in the next room, apparently.”
2013-02-28 02:40:07
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “Most importantly, here is a drugged cocktail.”
2013-02-28 02:40:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Commander Granger is our Alpha Male — I mean chief pilot.”
2013-02-28 02:40:40
@CA7746: @MockTM Gun safety fail.
2013-02-28 02:41:08
@drskyskull: @MockTM “A planet full of hot chicks? Heh, heh, heh, forget Mars: the *Moon* is heaven!”
2013-02-28 02:41:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Delicious! Tastes like crunchy cardboard!”
2013-02-28 02:41:16
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “I brought my dinner with me—iron filings.”
2013-02-28 02:41:18
@szvan: @MockTM Delicious, but completely incompatible with high testosterone.
2013-02-28 02:41:32
@pzmyers: @mocktm “May we serve you earth men?” How can lube guy stand silent with that straight line?
2013-02-28 02:41:48
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “Men. .folk?”
2013-02-28 02:41:49
@blakestacey: @MockTM Sprawl like an Earth-man!
2013-02-28 02:41:53
2013-02-28 02:41:59
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “May we delight your peens in a non-Earth fashion?”
2013-02-28 02:42:26
@szvan: @MockTM “I wonder what the folks back home would say if they knew I was having dinner with a beautiful woman.” “POISON!!!!!!”
2013-02-28 02:42:33
@pzmyers: @mocktm “You’re the first man I’ve ever seen. You’re hideous.”
2013-02-28 02:42:43
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Do you have a special Earth girl?” “I wouldn’t say *special*…”
2013-02-28 02:42:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Do you have a special earth-girl?” “Well… on Earth, men don’t tie themselves down to just ONE girl… we go for quantity.”
2013-02-28 02:43:06
@blakestacey: @MockTM “It’s good we came along, so you know what a man looks like.” “Oh, we get the Internet here.”
2013-02-28 02:43:11
@pzmyers: @mocktm Hostess snowballs! You can’t get those anymore, you know. Nor would you want to.
2013-02-28 02:43:19
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Christ, earth men are predictable
2013-02-28 02:43:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “That’s complicated and restricted information and frankly, you’re all women.”
2013-02-28 02:43:31
@drskyskull: @MockTM @pzmyers One of the only foodstuffs that can survive the heat of reentry intact.
2013-02-28 02:44:04
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “On our world, gold lame is served to livestock.”
2013-02-28 02:44:13
@DrRubidium: @MockTM is it just me, or do the moon women all look a bit like Eddie from the Munsters?
2013-02-28 02:44:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Some of our wine? Which is ours? And we’re giving to you? That came from the moon? Which is different from wine on Earth? MOON!!!!”
2013-02-28 02:44:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “SLAVE bracelets”, eh? FORESHADOWING!!!
2013-02-28 02:45:19
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “I’m afraid I’m not allowed to ‘go out.’ I have to work as a stand-in on the Munsters this season.”
2013-02-28 02:45:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “On Saturday nights you could go out on the town.” “WHAT IS TOWN!?!?”
2013-02-28 02:45:39
@drskyskull: @MockTM “The spacesuits are in a little cave we call Shelob’s Lair, for some reason.”
2013-02-28 02:45:53
@pzmyers: @mocktm “I’d like to go down to the beach and stretch out on the sand. In my black leotard.”
2013-02-28 02:46:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And now I know you must be tired because we drugged your wine. We will return tomorrow after raping you in your sleep.”
2013-02-28 02:46:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM “And what you call…a coke.” “Yes, that’s what I like best. Coke. Right up my nose.”
2013-02-28 02:46:30
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “James Jamerson!”
2013-02-28 02:46:30
@szvan: @MockTM Um, dudes. *Psychic!* They know all you’re petty fantasies.
2013-02-28 02:46:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What do you think, Ms. Woman-Traitor?”
2013-02-28 02:47:10
@szvan: @MockTM Walt Walters, because they didn’t have the budget for two names.
2013-02-28 02:47:15
@pzmyers: @mocktm The women on @mocktm are a little too smug & knowing tonight. I suspect they are all under the MOON’s INFLUENCE.
2013-02-28 02:47:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Look Helen, I have lots of respect for you. Especially your rack.”
2013-02-28 02:47:47
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “Oh, I know. . I’ve had rougher men, but. .please. Oh. .” Sorry, that just makes me fucking sick.
2013-02-28 02:47:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I’m not hurting you that much”? Sweet Jesus.
2013-02-28 02:48:09
@szvan: @MockTM @pzmyers Or it’s the booze.
2013-02-28 02:48:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh gods this Kip/Helen romance is making me vom.
2013-02-28 02:48:26
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Every goddamn 50s movie showing women *melting* into being slapped around. FUCK! Yech.
2013-02-28 02:48:44
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Oh, come on, I’m not hurting you *that much*.” Ah, sensitivity, 1950s style!
2013-02-28 02:48:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I mean abusive relationship. But I understand in the 50s this was pretty much considered “hot”.
2013-02-28 02:48:55
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “…and you’re all woman.” As compared to…
2013-02-28 02:49:15
@szvan: @MockTM Dude, you’re first. Just saying.
2013-02-28 02:49:23
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Did he just say, “Eat him out on general principles”?
2013-02-28 02:49:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m sure there’s a perfectly valid and scientific reason for all of this that involves some men in charge. Somewhere.”
2013-02-28 02:49:54
@pzmyers: @mocktm I’m sitting here hoping all the men in this movie get eaten by catwomen soon.
2013-02-28 02:49:55
@drskyskull: @MockTM I find it reeeeally hard to believe that “round Larry” passed any sort of astronaut training.
2013-02-28 02:50:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Eat him out on general principles”. “Phrasing, bam!”
2013-02-28 02:50:19
@szvan: @MockTM @SpokesGay “General principles” is the name of the bunk on the ship.
2013-02-28 02:50:24
@pzmyers: @mocktm Lube guy likes women stupid. Really? Below his bar? Hard to find.
2013-02-28 02:50:34
@lousycanuck: @szvan @MockTM @SpokesGay “I’ll be in my General Principles.”
2013-02-28 02:50:49
@pzmyers: @mocktm Oh, no. The FEMINIST INTERPRETIVE DANCE!
2013-02-28 02:50:50
@drskyskull: @MockTM @DrRubidium “The last girl I dated, she was 67% woman. And Betty — she was only 23% woman. I don’t want to talk about that.”
2013-02-28 02:50:57
@blakestacey: @MockTM Musical number!
2013-02-28 02:50:57
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Ladies and Gentlemen, the Darkside Moon Girls (gowns by Nolan Miller(TM) )!
2013-02-28 02:51:02
@drskyskull: @MockTM @SpokesGay Loads of sexual confusion amongst this crew.
2013-02-28 02:51:20
@SpokesGay: @lousycanuck @szvan @MockTM And I’ll be in my bunk, buster!
2013-02-28 02:51:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And now we do the Straw Feminist slither-dance.
2013-02-28 02:51:37
@drskyskull: @MockTM He wakes up and thinks, “What if the Moon women saw us coming… and thought we were douchebags?” #BradburyReference
2013-02-28 02:52:00
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Your high-waisted trousers melt my feline composure.
2013-02-28 02:52:07
@drskyskull: @MockTM Gosh, with such arts and culture, I think it’s a real tragedy that the Moon women civilization collapsed.
2013-02-28 02:52:42
@pzmyers: @mocktm When did plastic eyebrows go out of style? We should bring them back.
2013-02-28 02:52:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just going to stand uncomfortably close to you until you soft-cam and melt into my arms.
2013-02-28 02:52:48
@DrRubidium: @MockTM FINALLY! The reason why they’re wearing tights and leotards is because they’re a modern dance company
2013-02-28 02:52:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM “What is this thing called…grope?”
2013-02-28 02:53:16
2013-02-28 02:53:46
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM Oh, it’s how we Earth-men say… hello. *honk honk*
2013-02-28 02:53:54
@szvan: @MockTM Is it wrong that I’m hoping Helen has easy access to a baseball bat?
2013-02-28 02:54:04
@SpokesGay: @MockTM NB-this is the first documented use of Therapeutic Touch.
2013-02-28 02:54:14
@pzmyers: @mocktm What plot threads? I think everything was resolved in the dance, to those with the higher knowledge to comprehend it.
2013-02-28 02:54:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s really gold! Look at all of it! Some of it in a foreboding knife-shadow shape!!!”
2013-02-28 02:54:48
@szvan: @MockTM He has a highly permeable shoulder blade.
2013-02-28 02:55:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM That was a very mellow stabbing.
2013-02-28 02:55:12
@pzmyers: @mocktm Lube Guy must have the texture of jello.
2013-02-28 02:55:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM How to stab someone. Step one. Gently insert knife into their back, taking care to not surprise the stabbee in the process.
2013-02-28 02:55:32
2013-02-28 02:55:40
@pzmyers: @mocktm “I love you, but I must kill you.” <– That’s what all the girls tell me.
2013-02-28 02:56:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Lambda. I will come back. As soon as you’re over this whole ‘needing to kill me’ thing.”
2013-02-28 02:56:37
@drskyskull: @MockTM @lousycanuck If they notice they’re dead, you’ve done it wrong.
2013-02-28 02:56:39
@drskyskull: @MockTM @pzmyers I only get the second part of that sentence myself. :-\
2013-02-28 02:57:09
@DrRubidium: @MockTM seriously, where are the cats?
2013-02-28 02:57:58
@szvan: @MockTM Damn. No secrets in a telepathic society.
2013-02-28 02:57:59
@pzmyers: @mocktm “She’s fallen in love with a radio operator.” Oh, god, that’s the very worst.
2013-02-28 02:58:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “She’s fallen in love with the radio operator. And he’s totally just a 4, maybe a 5. Lambda’s way outta that dude’s league.”
2013-02-28 02:58:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM “There is no room in your life for love.” “I won’t be a grad student forever!”
2013-02-28 02:58:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM JUDO SLAP
2013-02-28 02:58:23
@szvan: @MockTM “My will is so strong you will move before I even slap you!”
2013-02-28 02:58:45
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that was the worst fake slap in the history of film
2013-02-28 02:59:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That’s right, keep slowly writing out all the data about your job… that’s so hot…
2013-02-28 02:59:44
@CA7746: @MockTM Manipulation. Check? Dunno if that’s the aliens.
2013-02-28 03:00:26
@pzmyers: @mocktm Moon woman pillow talk seems to consiste of nothing but operating instructions for spaceships. Which is kinda hot, actually.
2013-02-28 03:00:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So pain breaks their telepathic holds. And therefore a fight breaks out because LOVE TRIANGLE. Buuuuuuuullshiiiiiiiiiit.
2013-02-28 03:00:59
@pzmyers: @mocktm Now that the men are distracted, time to take over the spaceship!
2013-02-28 03:01:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM “And who do you really love?” “Sigma! And Iota!”
2013-02-28 03:01:17
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “Quickly-to the Fallopatorium!”
2013-02-28 03:01:40
@pzmyers: @mocktm But have you seen epsilon’s curves?
2013-02-28 03:01:46
@DrRubidium: @MockTM so, you’re in a life-or-death situation but totes have time for a love triangle?
2013-02-28 03:01:48
@szvan: @MockTM “I hid two of the space suits.” “And left the rest…why?”
2013-02-28 03:01:50
@drskyskull: @MockTM Does this movie end with the Moon women winning? Because I’m okay with that.
2013-02-28 03:01:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So why are these women running, and being held up by things, when they can all fucking teleport?
2013-02-28 03:02:18
@CA7746: @MockTM Fight scene? Nah. Just voice-over “The cat-women are dead. Helen’s alright.”
2013-02-28 03:02:22
2013-02-28 03:02:28
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “Do you like movies about gladiators?”
2013-02-28 03:02:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And all the action happens off-screen. This is for the best, honestly.
2013-02-28 03:03:01
@pzmyers: @mocktm What? “Bang bang, the catwomen are all dead, Helen’s all right”? That’s how you clean up loose ends?
2013-02-28 03:03:33
@CA7746: @MockTM And the movie starts again.
2013-02-28 03:03:36
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Fin? Mais non!
2013-02-28 03:03:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, is one of the dudes dead? There’s now only three guys and Helen.
2013-02-28 03:03:48
@drskyskull: @MockTM “The cat women are dead… and Helen’s all right.” *high pitched voice* Whaaaaaaaat?
2013-02-28 03:04:01
@pzmyers: @mocktm Yeah, lube guy got the slow knife in the back, remember.
2013-02-28 03:04:09
@SpokesGay: @lousycanuck @MockTM Or. . is she?
2013-02-28 03:04:13
@szvan: @MockTM “But what happened?” “Well, there was this girl. Cat girl. But not really a cat. Probably still a girl. Well, anyway….”
2013-02-28 03:04:18
@lousycanuck: @drskyskull @MockTM Tell me that’s a Reboot reference. TELL ME THAT’S A REBOOT REFERENCE
2013-02-28 03:04:29
@drskyskull: @MockTM White Sands: “But what happened?” “Honestly, I’m kinda embarrassed to talk about it.”
2013-02-28 03:04:48
@pzmyers: @mocktm So it ends with a genocide. Happens every time the white guys find new people.
2013-02-28 03:04:59
@SpokesGay: @MockTM See, they tried to control a world and its men with their fema. . . .*feline* wiles.
2013-02-28 03:05:21
@drskyskull: @MockTM @lousycanuck Uh, yes? ;)
2013-02-28 03:05:36
@CA7746: @pzmyers @MockTM That’s why it went in so easy. RT Yeah, lube guy got the slow knife in the back, remember.
2013-02-28 03:05:38
@DrRubidium: @MockTM dude that went after the gold was lost, proving that money is evil. Or something.
2013-02-28 03:05:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Bang bang, he shot me down / bang bang, I hit the ground / offscreen, my baby shot me down”
2013-02-28 03:06:01
@szvan: @MockTM @DrRubidium Just harder to control than women, doncha know.
2013-02-28 03:06:07
@pzmyers: @mocktm I want you to know that was so bad, I still have two fingers of whiskey left.
2013-02-28 03:06:12
@drskyskull: @MockTM @pzmyers “We’re getting better at genocide! It usually takes us much longer.”
2013-02-28 03:06:19
@szvan: @MockTM @pzmyers I did get more absinthe. I don’t think I missed any plot.
2013-02-28 03:06:58
@SpokesGay: @pzmyers @MockTM Drink up you wimp!
2013-02-28 03:07:15
@drskyskull: @MockTM Lesson of movie for me: If you wear pants that reach up to your clavicle and a woman still finds you hot, IT’S A TRAP.
2013-02-28 03:07:41
@pzmyers: @mocktm I did drink up. This tumbler was pretty damned full at the start.
2013-02-28 03:07:44
@pzmyers: @mocktm I anticipated more stupidity. I was caught off guard by the sudden ending one hour in, in which they just shot all the moon women.
2013-02-28 03:08:49
@drskyskull: @MockTM Been fun all! Or: “fun”!
2013-02-28 03:08:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM Lesson of movie for me: Moon-woman telepathy is strong, but abusive boyfriends are stronger!
2013-02-28 03:09:22
@SpokesGay: @pzmyers @MockTM Well, budgets and stuff.
2013-02-28 03:09:39
@szvan: @MockTM @SpokesGay @pzmyers Leotards and tights are expensive!
2013-02-28 03:10:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM Apparently they spent all their money on smooth jazz and ran out of film.
2013-02-28 03:10:28
@pzmyers: @mocktm You are all aware that the moon is mostly full tonight. Watch out for psychic lunar influences!
2013-02-28 03:10:44
@drskyskull: @MockTM @blakestacey That… is a really depressing lesson.
2013-02-28 03:11:18
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Awesome as always. Thanks for happy funtimez!
2013-02-28 03:11:47
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wait, were the Moon-women being *that* unreasonable? Stealing a ship to preserve the last traces of an entire civilization?
2013-02-28 03:14:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM until they stabbed the guy, it was pretty hard not to take their side, particularly with the Earth-Men being A-holes Of The Future
2013-02-28 03:15:41
@CA7746: @MockTM @blakestacey Um, mind-jacking Helen?
2013-02-28 03:19:39


  1. 1
    CompulsoryAccount7746, Sky Captain

    The logger was apparently not running at all through the entire movie. So I rejiggered the script to pull all the tweets available, but sadly, the Twitter API is kinda limiting and only grabbed the last 200 @-mentions.

    When I get around to the subtitles, I’ll email a complete transcript from my log.

  2. 2
    CompulsoryAccount7746, Sky Captain

    *Continues reading*

    The only flaws are that hashtags aren’t delinked, and the timestamp is in a different format that I simply couldn’t be bothered to reparse to the usual format. So the first half of the transcript will be slightly different from the second half.

    Oh, it’s all there. Just the subtitles then. ; )

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