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Remember the reason for the season

While you’re going about preparations for your holiday fête, remember the reason for the season — to Jesusify all things whether it makes sense or not.

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The Meaning of the Snowman

The white snow represents God’s forgiveness of our sins.
The circular snowballs show the everlasting life God promises us.
The carrot nose shows us that God has given us the Earth and all living things.
The black coal mouth reminds us to give God praise.
The scarf keeps us warm, just as God’s love does.
The top hat reminds us to honor God above all things.
The twig arms are open to hold us the way God does when we need him.

(Of course, in this sucker, the twig arms are closed, and the scarf isn’t melting the snowman away with God’s warm love…)

Tip of the stovepipe hat to Christian Nightmares.

Comments

  1. Apparently Not Erin says

    I just love it when they start mentioning the trees. It’s so fun to remind them exactly where some of their “Christian” traditions came from.

    It is good to know that circular snowballs that will start melting the next time the sun comes out are reminders of the promise of everlasting life…

  2. carlie says

    IT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

    At least the crap retcon with the candy canes had blood=red stripes, so there was some kind of connection. What do “circular snowballs” have to do with everlasting life? What does black coal have to do with giving praise? Gaaaa.

  3. CompulsoryAccount7746, Sky Captain says

    @carlie #4:

    What do “circular snowballs” have to do with everlasting life?

    The ouroboros snake. Totally not pagan…
     

    What does black coal have to do with giving praise?

    It’s a “black coal mouth“.
    Yahweh only gave people mouths so they could praise him. Duh.

  4. MKW says

    What about those of us in the southern hemisphere? Here in Wellington, NZ christmas day was 28C and the snowman wouldn’t last long. Does this mean that christianity will also be over soon, melting away as that mythical snowman would?

  5. Randomfactor says

    And the melting of the snowman represents the burning in hell god has in store for you if you don’t love him JUST the way he wants.

  6. Yellow Thursday says

    The snowman represents God’s love for us? I more imagine it as a representation of zombie lich Jesus. The white snow represents skin drained of blood. The circular snowballs represent a bloated and deformed corpse. The carrot nose shows that his skin and cartilige have been stripped away, leaving only a bony nasal opening behind. The black coal mouth represents lipless teeth aged by the eons of undeath. The red scarf represents blood spilled by lich Jesus’ recent meal of living flesh. The black top hat shows his attempt (and failure) to fit in with the clothing styles of the current age. The twig-like arms reach out for you in preparation to cast a necromatic spell.

  7. Funny Diva says

    Carlie @4 beat me to it.
    This snowman thing is even LAMER than “candy-cane is a J for Jesus, with his stripes, blah blah blah.”
    Oh, yes, they do preach this in some churches–I been there…and was handed a candy cane on my way out the door.
    I hadn’t gone full-metal Atheist yet, but I still though it was totes stupid and infantilizing.

  8. says

    Where can you get coal for the eyes and mouth these days? When I was young the coalman delivered it straight to our coal cellar and he got it from the railway yards, but steam engines and coalmen are pretty thin on the ground.

  9. Apparently Not Erin says

    Apparently the candy cane was originally made for a church Christmas service…to be given to the kids to shut them up. They were curved to resemble a shepherd’s staff they could justify handing them out. They were originally white with the stripes showing up around 1900 and not peppermint flavoured until around the same time.

  10. CompulsoryAccount7746, Sky Captain says

    @Apparently Not Erin #17:
    Article: Snopes – Origin of the Candy Cane

    “In fact, the strongest connection one can make between the origins of the candy cane and intentional Christian symbolism is to note that legend says someone took an existing form of candy which was already being used as a Christmas decoration (i.e., straight white sticks of sugar candy) and produced bent versions which represented a shepherd’s crook and were handed out to children at church to ensure their good behavior
    [...]
    Claims made about the candy’s religious symbolism have become increasingly widespread as religious leaders have assured their congregations that these mythologies are factual, the press have published these claims as authoritative answers to readers’ inquiries about the confection’s meaning, and several lavishly illustrated books purport to tell the “true story” of the candy cane’s origins. This is charming folklore at best, and though there’s nothing wrong with finding (and celebrating) symbolism where there wasn’t any before, the story of the candy cane’s origins is, like Santa Claus, a myth and not a ‘true story.'”

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