While you’re going about preparations for your holiday fête, remember the reason for the season — to Jesusify all things whether it makes sense or not.
The Meaning of the Snowman
The white snow represents God’s forgiveness of our sins.
The circular snowballs show the everlasting life God promises us.
The carrot nose shows us that God has given us the Earth and all living things.
The black coal mouth reminds us to give God praise.
The scarf keeps us warm, just as God’s love does.
The top hat reminds us to honor God above all things.
The twig arms are open to hold us the way God does when we need him.
(Of course, in this sucker, the twig arms are closed, and the scarf isn’t melting the snowman away with God’s warm love…)
Tip of the stovepipe hat to Christian Nightmares.
18 comments
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Apparently Not Erin
December 25, 2012 at 4:49 pm CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I just love it when they start mentioning the trees. It’s so fun to remind them exactly where some of their “Christian” traditions came from.
It is good to know that circular snowballs that will start melting the next time the sun comes out are reminders of the promise of everlasting life…
Lofty
December 25, 2012 at 4:54 pm CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
A lack of reason is the reason for this seasonal nonsense. Gaah.
Recreant
December 25, 2012 at 6:31 pm CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
And here I would have said axial tilt.
carlie
December 25, 2012 at 8:32 pm CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
IT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE.
At least the crap retcon with the candy canes had blood=red stripes, so there was some kind of connection. What do “circular snowballs” have to do with everlasting life? What does black coal have to do with giving praise? Gaaaa.
eyeroll
December 25, 2012 at 10:11 pm CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Oh for crying out loud. And what is the green tibia on its hat for?
dukeofomnium
December 25, 2012 at 10:27 pm CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
The black hat reminds us that God is the villain.
CompulsoryAccount7746, Sky Captain
December 26, 2012 at 1:00 am CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
@carlie #4:
The ouroboros snake. Totally not pagan…
It’s a “black coal mouth“.
Yahweh only gave people mouths so they could praise him. Duh.
MKW
December 26, 2012 at 11:45 am CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
What about those of us in the southern hemisphere? Here in Wellington, NZ christmas day was 28C and the snowman wouldn’t last long. Does this mean that christianity will also be over soon, melting away as that mythical snowman would?
Randomfactor
December 26, 2012 at 12:58 pm CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
And the melting of the snowman represents the burning in hell god has in store for you if you don’t love him JUST the way he wants.
robb
December 26, 2012 at 12:58 pm CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
and what does the stick up the snowman’s bottom symbolize?
Randomfactor
December 26, 2012 at 1:01 pm CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
and what does the stick up the snowman’s bottom symbolize?
Ghey secks. Snowmen are totally into that.
Jason Thibeault
December 26, 2012 at 1:08 pm CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Putting Satan and his temptations behind you.
Obviously.
Yellow Thursday
December 26, 2012 at 1:42 pm CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
The snowman represents God’s love for us? I more imagine it as a representation of
zombielich Jesus. The white snow represents skin drained of blood. The circular snowballs represent a bloated and deformed corpse. The carrot nose shows that his skin and cartilige have been stripped away, leaving only a bony nasal opening behind. The black coal mouth represents lipless teeth aged by the eons of undeath. The red scarf represents blood spilled by lich Jesus’ recent meal of living flesh. The black top hat shows his attempt (and failure) to fit in with the clothing styles of the current age. The twig-like arms reach out for you in preparation to cast a necromatic spell.Funny Diva
December 26, 2012 at 3:52 pm CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Carlie @4 beat me to it.
This snowman thing is even LAMER than “candy-cane is a J for Jesus, with his stripes, blah blah blah.”
Oh, yes, they do preach this in some churches–I been there…and was handed a candy cane on my way out the door.
I hadn’t gone full-metal Atheist yet, but I still though it was totes stupid and infantilizing.
Aratina Cage
December 26, 2012 at 9:01 pm CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Wish I hadn’t looked at that, however briefly.
Keith Harwood
December 27, 2012 at 7:29 pm CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Where can you get coal for the eyes and mouth these days? When I was young the coalman delivered it straight to our coal cellar and he got it from the railway yards, but steam engines and coalmen are pretty thin on the ground.
Apparently Not Erin
December 28, 2012 at 2:45 pm CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Apparently the candy cane was originally made for a church Christmas service…to be given to the kids to shut them up. They were curved to resemble a shepherd’s staff they could justify handing them out. They were originally white with the stripes showing up around 1900 and not peppermint flavoured until around the same time.
CompulsoryAccount7746, Sky Captain
December 30, 2012 at 12:20 am CDT (UTC -5) Link to this comment
@Apparently Not Erin #17:
Article: Snopes – Origin of the Candy Cane