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Mock The Movie: Yor: The Hunter from the Future

Oooh, look at me, with two colons in the title of this post. Just like the two colons it took to have shat out this monsterpiece (WHAT A LEAD-IN!), which goes from 10,000 BC to Star Wars so abruptly that it’s almost as though the plot was barely fleshed out to begin with.

Watch for poofy hair, a fighting style that involves using the flat end of your stone axe to kill dinosaurs and cavemen, and the two teases for the rock opera song that plays through the closing credits.

Subtitle file is available here. As always, rename to [filename].srt, where filename is the name of your copy of the movie. Put it in the same folder, run it in VLC, and it’ll do the rest. CompulsoryAccount7746, who built the subtitles, provided a hilarious animated gif that, due to size, I’ll only put in after the fold. He wasn’t able to attend live, so he threw a few extra snarks into his subtitle file. Call it downloading incentive.

Woman in tan hooded robe rises, back to the camera. Caption: "CA7746: The cave is aroused."

@brx0: Just 10 minutes until tonight’s @MockTM: “Yor, the Hunter from the Future”! http://t.co/aNkDxO2h http://t.co/8KVp6rTm
2012-12-14 01:50:16
@BenZvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM Had “the daily knockout” at hell’s kitchen and I’m halfway through a green tea martini. I’m all set.
2012-12-14 01:50:45
@pixelsnake: @MockTM This movie sucks. Wait, we haven’t started yet?
2012-12-14 01:56:27
@brx0: @MockTM Movie cued up and ready to go. Since I’m among friends I’ll admit to having seen this film once before.
2012-12-14 01:56:32
@brx0: @MockTM I even wrote a blog post about it back in 2006, although 2/3 of it’s actually about George W. Bush. So, dated. http://t.co/tnhYOiwm
2012-12-14 01:57:26
@blakestacey: Ready to begin this week’s @MockTM any moment now…
2012-12-14 01:59:34
@brx0: @MockTM Tonight’s film brought to you by Bota Box. “It’s a box. With wine in it.”
2012-12-14 01:59:45
@blakestacey: @MockTM Are we in for a Kodiak moment here?
2012-12-14 02:00:30
@brx0: @MockTM As I recall, the Yor theme song is one of the highlights of the film. So savor it, folks.
2012-12-14 02:00:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM Hey, it’s Slab Bulkhead himself!
2012-12-14 02:00:45
@BenZvan: @MockTM No human would stack rocks like that.
2012-12-14 02:00:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM Judging by the hair, prehistory = 1987
2012-12-14 02:01:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ayshe Gul? What’s a Cardassian commander doing here?
2012-12-14 02:01:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM Uh-oh, we’re in for the Ludovico treatment.
2012-12-14 02:01:50
@brx0: @MockTM Ooh, look, it’s “Reb Brown”, tonight’s barbarian.
2012-12-14 02:01:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM Based on the “novel” “Yor”
2012-12-14 02:02:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM I think the genre of this theme song is “prog-Casio”
2012-12-14 02:02:37
@brx0: @MockTM We begin as our hero searches fruitlessly for something, as the opening credits roll…
2012-12-14 02:02:39
@brx0: @MockTM Damn, those are some ugly kids.
2012-12-14 02:03:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Raise our children to the heavens, which’ll be easy ’cause they’re malnourished”
2012-12-14 02:03:04
@szvan: @MockTM Man, sucks to be a child actor.
2012-12-14 02:03:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Now be about your business of hunting, gatherin and skulking in bushes.”
2012-12-14 02:03:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Celebrate with feasting and hunting, though I guess not necessarily in that order”
2012-12-14 02:03:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM That’s some intense Star Trek season 1 hair.
2012-12-14 02:03:44
@pixelsnake: @MockTM Steggopig?
2012-12-14 02:03:55
@brx0: @MockTM 80s perm alert.
2012-12-14 02:04:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM Thag-o-mite!
2012-12-14 02:04:06
@BenZvan: @MockTM I don’t often hunt, but when I do I hunt foam rubber Stegosauruses.
2012-12-14 02:04:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM Bulk van der Huge, to the rescue!
2012-12-14 02:04:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yor, The Dinosaur Mauler.
2012-12-14 02:04:48
@pixelsnake: @MockTM He has awfully nice hair for a caveman.
2012-12-14 02:05:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, this is where he’s cursed and starts turning into a demon?
2012-12-14 02:05:04
@szvan: @MockTM Yor’s axe seems dull. Did he use it to shave his chest earlier?
2012-12-14 02:05:20
@BenZvan: @MockTM Captain Caaaaaaaaaaaaave Maaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn!
2012-12-14 02:05:25
@blakestacey: @MockTM @lousycanuck Dinosaur Mauler? But I just met ‘er!
2012-12-14 02:05:30
@pixelsnake: @MockTM “Dude that was overkill. Can we has loots now?”
2012-12-14 02:06:05
@brx0: @MockTM Mmmm…. dinosaur blood… #OMNOMNOMNOM
2012-12-14 02:06:07
@pixelsnake: @MockTM Mmmm ketchup
2012-12-14 02:06:45
@BenZvan: @MockTM I remember the eagle scouts in our troop drinking dinosaur blood. I might be misremembering something.
2012-12-14 02:06:51
@brx0: @MockTM Yeah, yeah, c’mon and help me cut the choice meats already. That’s what I always say.
2012-12-14 02:06:58
@szvan: @MockTM “The dinosaur blood, it burns!” You can see a doctor about that.
2012-12-14 02:07:03
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I saw it glint on her chest, if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge.”
2012-12-14 02:07:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Here, let me read your medallion. Chrm hrm chrm chrreherm.” “You can read it?” “No, I’m borrowing a joke from Spaceballs.”
2012-12-14 02:07:24
@BenZvan: @MockTM I have seen it glint on her chest…not that I was looking.
2012-12-14 02:07:29
@szvan: @MockTM I see drum circles haven’t evolved since the Stone Age.
2012-12-14 02:08:02
@brx0: @MockTM Ugly kids, people beating on logs and twirling around in twine skirts. These tribespeople are kind of lame if you ask me.
2012-12-14 02:08:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ain’t no party like a dinosaur hunter party coz a dinosaur hunter party gots rope skirts.
2012-12-14 02:08:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM Shouldn’t she be painted green for this?
2012-12-14 02:08:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM NO LOOK OUT YOR SHE’S TRYING TO SPERMJACK YOU
2012-12-14 02:09:06
@brx0: @MockTM Aha, so she’s the one member of the tribe with a perm and nice teeth. I bet she’s our heroine (I admit I’ve forgotten the plot).
2012-12-14 02:09:08
@pixelsnake: @MockTM That actually wasn’t a bad 3/4 shimmy.
2012-12-14 02:09:13
@szvan: @MockTM Self-conscious come-hither dancing apparently hasn’t evolved either.
2012-12-14 02:09:19
@brx0: @MockTM Meanwhile, the villainous sasquatch men approach stealthily…
2012-12-14 02:09:37
@szvan: @MockTM And Yor finally gets what is obvious to the rest of us.
2012-12-14 02:09:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You’re so different from the other men I’ve seen. Is it the shampoo you use?”
2012-12-14 02:10:16
@BenZvan: @MockTM I danced for you and now you have given me your grin of approval, Yor. I must now drink from your cup.
2012-12-14 02:10:27
@szvan: @MockTM “Your so different from the other men.” And, as it turns out, pick-up lines haven’t…oh, fuck it.
2012-12-14 02:10:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM Agh! They’re being attacked by the tribe of the Even Scruffier!
2012-12-14 02:10:31
@pixelsnake: @MockTM I think he doesn’t realize he is holding an axe.
2012-12-14 02:11:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM S”ir, I know Axe Cop, and *you* are no Axe Cop!”
2012-12-14 02:11:25
@BenZvan: @MockTM Sorry I didn’t tweet for a bit there. The fight seen was so damn exciting!
2012-12-14 02:11:28
@brx0: @MockTM And… sasquatch army attack! This may be stock footage from a recent documentary about life in Idaho.
2012-12-14 02:11:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Well, your tribe’s dead. Time to repopulate.”
2012-12-14 02:11:45
@szvan: @MockTM See? We told you dancing in those nets was a mistake.
2012-12-14 02:11:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Proving once again that the scruffier you are, the more evil. @blakestacey
2012-12-14 02:12:02
@pixelsnake: @MockTM His hair keeps getting poofier.
2012-12-14 02:12:19
@brx0: @MockTM “Come on, I know a place where we may rest the night.” #PostNuclearPickupLines
2012-12-14 02:13:06
@BenZvan: @pixelsnake @MockTM Poofy hair is how you know he’s the best caveman.
2012-12-14 02:13:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I know a place we can rest tonight. Little shack I have back in the woods. Got a nice heart shaped couch. You’ll like it.”
2012-12-14 02:13:21
@pixelsnake: @MockTM “Hide”
2012-12-14 02:14:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Hey, Yor, you know the rules: no slimy girls in the treehouse!!!”
2012-12-14 02:14:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This guy reminds me a lot of a really young Ben Stiller for some reason. Only with a poofy blonde wig.
2012-12-14 02:14:48
@BenZvan: @MockTM Yor is smart. He put half his weight on that vine to make sure it would hold all his weight.
2012-12-14 02:14:55
@pixelsnake: @MockTM I think I need a lot more booze for this.
2012-12-14 02:15:05
@brx0: @MockTM Everybody keeps staring at our hero’s fancy amulet. “Hey, my eyes are up here!”
2012-12-14 02:15:21
@BenZvan: @MockTM I gotta get me one of these necklaces.
2012-12-14 02:15:27
@pixelsnake: @MockTM Thats boot sleeping!! Or standing guard.
2012-12-14 02:15:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “There must be a tribe of them somewhere. A tribe of poofy-haired melodramatists.”
2012-12-14 02:15:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM “There must be a tribe of men like you…maybe on ESPN3 or someplace like that.”
2012-12-14 02:15:53
@brx0: @MockTM World’s flimsiest bow & arrow.
2012-12-14 02:16:02
@BenZvan: @MockTM For all you uncivilized life forms out there, the secret is: bang those rocks together, guys.
2012-12-14 02:16:56
@pixelsnake: @MockTM Annnnnd he’s lost.
2012-12-14 02:16:57
@blakestacey: @MockTM They’re holding hands? I bet Yor will take her to Lover’s Lane! <3
2012-12-14 02:17:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Things escalate quickly in the caveman days. Now they’re taking a romantic walk on the cliff ledge holding hands.
2012-12-14 02:17:08
@BenZvan: @MockTM Rawr!
2012-12-14 02:17:12
@szvan: @MockTM They’re not wasting the talent in this movie (that I can tell), but they’re sure wasting the scenery. No, not Yor.
2012-12-14 02:17:18
@brx0: @MockTM A more *advanced* barbarian would find a way to strap that axe to his belt or something, & have that hand free…
2012-12-14 02:17:40
@pixelsnake: @MockTM Again he uses his axe like a baseball bat.
2012-12-14 02:17:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Get out of here! I have them out numbered, one to ten!
2012-12-14 02:18:03
@szvan: @MockTM Is it wrong to want my “great hunter”s to know that an axe is not a blunt instrument?
2012-12-14 02:18:21
@brx0: @MockTM D’oh, they done took his amulet.
2012-12-14 02:18:23
@BenZvan: @MockTM I don’t always use an axe to fight, but when I do I use it like a blunt object.
2012-12-14 02:18:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ineffectual woman character: achievement unlocked
2012-12-14 02:18:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Nooo!” *tic tic* *attempt at stab* Erm. You telegraphed that slightly.
2012-12-14 02:18:36
@pixelsnake: @MockTM I think she needs to watch more Xena. Or less. Not sure really.
2012-12-14 02:18:40
@brx0: @MockTM “Graaaa, the gods must be appeased with fresh blood!” Yup, Idaho.
2012-12-14 02:18:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “THIS IS SPARTA!”
2012-12-14 02:18:46
@szvan: @MockTM Cave needs women!
2012-12-14 02:19:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM Friday night at DKE
2012-12-14 02:19:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Are those cavemen who kidnapped the women chanting “chug chug chug?” These aren’t cavemen, they’re a fraternity!
2012-12-14 02:19:56
@pixelsnake: @MockTM EPIC CLIMBING SCENE!!!!! WILL OUR HERO MAKE IT?!?!?!!?
2012-12-14 02:20:10
@brx0: @MockTM Screaming captives, cavemen eating big chunks of poorly cooked meat… The Applebees in Idaho Falls welcomes you…
2012-12-14 02:20:11
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, our hero survived. Apparently the movie isn’t over yet.
2012-12-14 02:20:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh, I’m all tuckered out from climbing that two foot cliff.”
2012-12-14 02:20:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I don’t recognize your laws! They don’t even address property taxation or torts!”
2012-12-14 02:21:09
@BenZvan: @MockTM @brx0 That was mean. Clearly it’s an Outback Steakhouse.
2012-12-14 02:21:16
@szvan: @MockTM So…he’s been with her since her parents died, but he waits for the dead guy to come back to life before going to save her. Right?
2012-12-14 02:21:28
@pixelsnake: @MockTM NO NOT THE BRIDGE!
2012-12-14 02:21:38
@szvan: @MockTM No! Not worms in a puddle!
2012-12-14 02:21:50
@brx0: @MockTM The leader’s crude skull throne is kind of awesome though. It would really pull this room here together.
2012-12-14 02:22:17
@BenZvan: @MockTM “Yo! Yo! Yo! The prize will be this woman here!” Coming soon on AMC Records.
2012-12-14 02:22:34
@pixelsnake: @MockTM Meanwhile the dude guarding the woman takes off with her.
2012-12-14 02:22:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The woman is behind one door…”
2012-12-14 02:22:54
@pixelsnake: @MockTM WATCH OUT FOR THE CARDBOARD BIRD THING OMG!
2012-12-14 02:23:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Tor shoots the pterodactyl with an Arrow of Petrification.
2012-12-14 02:23:02
@szvan: @MockTM Well, rigor mortis set in remarkably quickly.
2012-12-14 02:23:09
@BenZvan: @MockTM I thought Hawkeye in The Avengers was the worst movie archer ever. I stand corrected. Thanks.
2012-12-14 02:23:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM ROCK OPERAAAAAAAA
2012-12-14 02:23:37
@pixelsnake: @MockTM WTF???
2012-12-14 02:23:38
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, giant moth-pterodactyl hang glider! There goes the FX budget…
2012-12-14 02:23:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM I guess if Yor steals her back, that’s also legal under their tribal law, right?
2012-12-14 02:23:58
@szvan: @MockTM Whew, Yor remembered how to fight again.
2012-12-14 02:24:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Aww, that went from rock opera to Keystone Kops way too quick.
2012-12-14 02:24:07
@BenZvan: @MockTM They couldn’t get Queen so they settled for the cast of Oklahoma.
2012-12-14 02:24:21
@szvan: @MockTM OMG, they’re walking over an ACTUAL XYLOPHONE!
2012-12-14 02:24:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No, don’t go in that lake, it’s full of Goa’ould!
2012-12-14 02:25:06
@szvan: @MockTM Who knew cavemen were such wonderful engineers?
2012-12-14 02:25:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Our art! Our precious civilization! You’re destroying it all, you monster!!”
2012-12-14 02:26:05
@szvan: @MockTM It’s not a flood until someone dumps in the soap flakes.
2012-12-14 02:26:27
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, this miniature flood sequence isn’t so bad, as far as those things go…
2012-12-14 02:26:31
@BenZvan: @MockTM RT @pixelsnake: NO NOT THE BRIDGE!
2012-12-14 02:26:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM Because when I think prehistoric, I think chiptunes.
2012-12-14 02:26:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Thank you Yor, you’ve given me back the one thing I love most in the world. This pterodactyl hang-glider. I missed you, Terry!”
2012-12-14 02:27:15
@BenZvan: @MockTM I’ll do a shot of tequila if they use a vocoder.
2012-12-14 02:27:39
@brx0: @MockTM Yor somehow neglects to mention the old guy gave up on our heroine when she was captured…
2012-12-14 02:27:44
@szvan: @MockTM Good thing they had time to tan some hides before winter.
2012-12-14 02:27:54
@brx0: @MockTM Why does everyone keep saying Yor is so different from other men? It’s the hair, isn’t it?
2012-12-14 02:28:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Why is Yor so different from other men?” “‘Roids. And his choice of hair stylist.”
2012-12-14 02:28:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Where does that steam come from?” “Con Ed.”
2012-12-14 02:28:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Go breathe in that steam for a bit, Yor. It’ll clear your sinuses, I swear.
2012-12-14 02:28:39
@brx0: @MockTM Oh, *now* you tell us this is the Land of the Diseased. Gee, thanks.
2012-12-14 02:29:07
@agolas: @MockTM “Why is this night different from other nights?”
2012-12-14 02:29:09
@BenZvan: @MockTM “There must be great heat that causes this vapor.” “And the smoke?” “I don’t know.”
2012-12-14 02:29:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Last night I had a dream and I saw you helpless and surrounded by fire. Then some eagles came and picked you up.”
2012-12-14 02:29:25
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Uh, is it awkward for me, the old guy, to be sitting here while you, uh…”
2012-12-14 02:29:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Will he ever return?” “Not a chance, sister.”
2012-12-14 02:29:58
@pixelsnake: @MockTM And I’m just back to dismay. I’m not strong enough for this you guys!
2012-12-14 02:30:20
@brx0: @MockTM Sandpeople! Hey, I thought they walked in single file to hide their numbers?
2012-12-14 02:30:23
@BenZvan: @MockTM I had a dream. Of a world where cavemen aren’t judged by the cardboardiness of their pterodactyl hang-gliders.
2012-12-14 02:30:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What strange new technology is this!? Those spears have TWO heads, and they’re BOTH burning!!”
2012-12-14 02:31:01
@szvan: @MockTM And Yor finally remembers how axes work.
2012-12-14 02:31:12
@brx0: @MockTM See, if this was a Hong Kong production there’d be an awesome kung fu set piece right about now.
2012-12-14 02:31:12
@BenZvan: @MockTM I think I have too much protective insulation to fight against these guys with flaming sticks. I think I’ll take it off for safety.
2012-12-14 02:31:19
@pixelsnake: @MockTM YOR!! NOW YOU”RE JUST MAKING ME ANGRY! YOUR AXE HAS A SHARP SIDE! USE IT!!
2012-12-14 02:31:23
@brx0: @MockTM Minus 5 points for probable net reuse from that earlier scene.
2012-12-14 02:31:39
@BenZvan: @MockTM That guy couldn’t hit someone with the broad side of an axe.
2012-12-14 02:32:10
@szvan: @MockTM @brx0 At least they painted it white. Like the actors.
2012-12-14 02:32:26
@pixelsnake: @MockTM GASSP!!! SHE”S DIFFERENT LIKE YOU YOR!!!
2012-12-14 02:32:53
@szvan: @MockTM I want to see her stone curling iron.
2012-12-14 02:33:05
@brx0: @MockTM Watch out, Yor! 1980s permed bangs of dooooom!
2012-12-14 02:33:08
@BenZvan: @MockTM I’m being tied up, but damn that girl is hot. And her necklace looks like a boob!
2012-12-14 02:33:09
@pixelsnake: @MockTM Dammit, I”m down a hand, stupid cat.
2012-12-14 02:34:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You’re living proof that we represent a race. A race of Aryans.”
2012-12-14 02:34:04
@BenZvan: @MockTM I wouldn’t have agreed to work for scale if I’d known I’d have to carry a sword that was ON FIRE!
2012-12-14 02:34:32
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I’ve been in this cave now for eight years, and I know they’ll never ever let me out while I am alive…”
2012-12-14 02:34:55
@brx0: @MockTM So, a scattered race of blond people scattered among the swarthy subhumans. IIRC Fox News was just ranting about this the other day.
2012-12-14 02:35:23
@szvan: @MockTM I know which option I’d take.
2012-12-14 02:35:30
@BenZvan: @MockTM Come with me! Or kill me! Either way is fine, really.
2012-12-14 02:35:34
@pixelsnake: @MockTM THey have an impressive fur wardrobe.
2012-12-14 02:35:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This is no place for man nor beast.” “Ah, but I am neither!” “Touchee.”
2012-12-14 02:35:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM I think that was just the Zelda “discover secret door” noise
2012-12-14 02:35:53
@pixelsnake: @MockTM If the ice water is so valuable maybe they should keep the fire away. Just saying.
2012-12-14 02:36:31
@brx0: @MockTM Are we totally sure our hero isn’t Dana Carvey in a second-rate muscle suit?
2012-12-14 02:36:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So the fumeroles affect these clayfaced people, but not The Living Goddess? Well, I suppose she has a mole. Could be melanoma.
2012-12-14 02:36:53
@pixelsnake: @MockTM Death by burning crotch!
2012-12-14 02:37:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM That river must also run through Cleveland
2012-12-14 02:37:32
@BenZvan: @MockTM “There can be only one!”
2012-12-14 02:37:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yor hits the mudman. The mudman is on fire! The mudman is on fire! The mudman dies. –more– Welcome to Level 2.
2012-12-14 02:37:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM rocks fall everyone dies the end
2012-12-14 02:38:17
@BenZvan: @MockTM @pixelsnake That’s the second wost kind of death.
2012-12-14 02:38:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM He didn’t put up a very good fight for an end-of-level boss
2012-12-14 02:38:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM NO YOR DON’T STAB ME I JUST WANT TO TALK AAAAaaaaagh
2012-12-14 02:38:35
@pixelsnake: @MockTM Well this is awkward…
2012-12-14 02:38:55
@BenZvan: @MockTM Living Goddess needs food badly.
2012-12-14 02:38:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Yor! Yor! You’re alive! And who’s the hussy?”
2012-12-14 02:38:58
@szvan: @MockTM I want to see her stone mascara wand.
2012-12-14 02:39:19
@brx0: @MockTM How do movie caves *know* it’s time to collapse?
2012-12-14 02:39:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Betty, meet Veronica. Veronica, Betty.”
2012-12-14 02:39:44
@pixelsnake: @MockTM “Who are you?” “No who the fuck are you?!” “I asked you first!!”
2012-12-14 02:39:49
@brx0: @MockTM “We will need a lot more hemp before we’re through”. Truer words were rarely spoken.
2012-12-14 02:39:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Helena, meet Hermia. Hermia, meet Helena.”
2012-12-14 02:40:27
@BenZvan: @MockTM I wonder if they’d notice if I pushed this blonde girl overboard.
2012-12-14 02:40:45
@pixelsnake: @MockTM “Look at me, I stayed awake while she just slept.” *hairflip*
2012-12-14 02:40:49
@brx0: @MockTM Two’s company, three’s a crowd, four’s a freakin’ raft. Cue the jealous glaring.
2012-12-14 02:41:08
@szvan: @MockTM How long before she turns out to be evil?
2012-12-14 02:41:20
@blakestacey: @MockTM “So different from the desert! And it’s, like, thirty minutes’ walk away.”
2012-12-14 02:41:26
@BenZvan: @MockTM @pixelsnake “Look at me, I slept while she just stayed awake.” *hairflip*
2012-12-14 02:41:37
@BenZvan: @MockTM @blakestacey 45 if you take the BART.
2012-12-14 02:42:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Destiny schmestiny. If she’s going to steal him, I need to get in on that action first.”
2012-12-14 02:42:37
@blakestacey: @MockTM “In our tribe, a man can have many wives. The rules were set down by the ancient sages of Reddit.”
2012-12-14 02:42:48
@pixelsnake: @MockTM Well that escalated quickly…
2012-12-14 02:43:19
@brx0: @MockTM “I understand that one of us must die!” aaaand fight. Jersey Cave.
2012-12-14 02:43:37
@BenZvan: @MockTM In order to enforce man’s ownership of women, we must now have a catfight…for science.
2012-12-14 02:43:39
@pixelsnake: @MockTM Oh haha!!! I get it!! Women are so jealous, it got them in trouble! What a lesson.
2012-12-14 02:44:05
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Dealing with one chick who can’t fight was bad enough. Suddenly this poly thing is getting downsides.”
2012-12-14 02:44:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The castle of…aaaagh?”
2012-12-14 02:45:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Take my medallion and give it to Kal-El.” Oh shit just got real.
2012-12-14 02:45:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM “So, any chance you could give Kalaa a goodbye kiss?”
2012-12-14 02:45:53
@BenZvan: @MockTM Alien race of whitepeoplehenge photo op.
2012-12-14 02:46:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Off-camera, they were already throwing dirt on her before she was done her touching death speech.
2012-12-14 02:46:44
@brx0: @MockTM Convenient death scene. For those times when your screenwriters get stuck.
2012-12-14 02:46:46
@blakestacey: @MockTM “A part of me will always remain here. Well, more like 250 million very small, swimmy parts.”
2012-12-14 02:46:47
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, you! I remember you!
2012-12-14 02:46:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Have you ever seen my penis before, Kala?” “No! It’s so big!”
2012-12-14 02:47:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM Yeah, if you couldn’t handle stegosaur blood, seawater is probably too salty for your palate.
2012-12-14 02:47:52
@brx0: @MockTM Granted there’s only so much they could do with a barbarian love triangle in a PG movie, but still…
2012-12-14 02:47:55
@szvan: @MockTM Which part of that loincloth does Yor keep his oil in?
2012-12-14 02:48:33
@pixelsnake: @MockTM THIS WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS!! YOU BLEW IT UP!!
2012-12-14 02:48:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dude forget about the instance boss, your fish is burning out here!
2012-12-14 02:49:30
@BenZvan: @MockTM Save the fish! It’ll be charcoal by the time you kill that dinosaur with the side of your axe!
2012-12-14 02:49:37
@szvan: @MockTM And Yor has forgotten how the axe works again. I think his race just has general memory problems.
2012-12-14 02:49:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey, old guy totally ganked Yor’s kill. He’d better not get that rare drop.
2012-12-14 02:50:05
@brx0: @MockTM “A generous man does what his heart commands”. But doesn’t stick around to fight the *next* giant lizard, apparently.
2012-12-14 02:50:57
@szvan: @MockTM A village! More wives for Yor!
2012-12-14 02:51:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “There are our people. And that is our village. And that is a house. And that is a tree. And that is the ocean.”
2012-12-14 02:51:19
@BenZvan: @MockTM “if I had only realized that men could own more than one woman, I wouldn’t have wanted that other chick dead.”
2012-12-14 02:52:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @szvan More wives! And this one has exposed sideboob so you can tell them apart!
2012-12-14 02:52:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We all ran to see, and Instagram it.”
2012-12-14 02:52:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey, that weird device — a Norelco razor! PLOT TWIST
2012-12-14 02:53:23
@szvan: @MockTM I’ve been thinking about that bird of fire. It took me a long time.
2012-12-14 02:53:48
@BenZvan: @MockTM r-a-d-i-o radio ra-di-o. uh huh. uh huh. uhhuhuhhuhuhhuh.
2012-12-14 02:53:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Kalaa! You come too. I missed out with you and that last chick.” #WhatWouldYorDoIfHeHadAMillionDollars
2012-12-14 02:54:30
@brx0: @MockTM Oh no! Lazers! It’s a plot twist!
2012-12-14 02:55:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh shit, they’re being attacked by supermutants with a Fat Boy!
2012-12-14 02:55:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Well, another village burned to the ground, its people killed. Time to repopulate again!”
2012-12-14 02:55:24
@BenZvan: @MockTM pew! pew!
2012-12-14 02:55:58
@szvan: @MockTM I suppose the lasers don’t *need* to be quiet. What are the cavepeople going to do when they’re alerted?
2012-12-14 02:56:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Convenient that they all left for the orgy when the bombings started happening.
2012-12-14 02:56:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Gods couldn’t be this cruel”? Man, what mythology book you been studying from??
2012-12-14 02:56:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “They’re not gods! Gods couldn’t be this cruel!” Wait til you find them and they tell you about Yahweh.
2012-12-14 02:56:53
@szvan: @MockTM I don’t know what a boat is, but I like this one.
2012-12-14 02:57:48
@BenZvan: @MockTM My father’s goat will take you to the island surrounded with storms. Wait…that’s not right…
2012-12-14 02:57:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No Yor, don’t tell them the boat’s beautiful, they’ll jack up the price. And it’s made of burlap anyway.
2012-12-14 02:57:55
@brx0: @MockTM Actually just one laser effect so far, plus some sound effects. Sigh, low budgets.
2012-12-14 02:57:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM YESSSSSSS! AT LAST!
2012-12-14 02:58:03
@brx0: @MockTM Nice boat, or front half of a boat.
2012-12-14 02:58:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Sideboob-lady misses Yor already.
2012-12-14 02:58:41
@brx0: @MockTM Yeah, I’m going to step up on this here stool and tell you what the wind up here’s doing….
2012-12-14 02:58:58
@brx0: @MockTM A three hour tour… a three hour tour…
2012-12-14 02:59:16
@BenZvan: @MockTM quick! say things that sound sailorey!
2012-12-14 02:59:25
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ariel’s been mixing it up good lately
2012-12-14 02:59:42
@BenZvan: @MockTM you got rocks on my arm! you got arm on my rocks!
2012-12-14 03:00:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Whoa. How much *did* I drink last night?”
2012-12-14 03:00:03
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Kalaa! Kalaa!” “Polaa!”
2012-12-14 03:00:17
@brx0: @MockTM Our hero magically survives the open ocean: Film still not over.
2012-12-14 03:00:20
@pixelsnake: @MockTM Who cast Saruman in this movie?
2012-12-14 03:00:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ooh. A villain emerges. And it’s Darth Vader with a crystal ball.
2012-12-14 03:00:33
@BenZvan: @MockTM Bubble bubble, toil and trouble…the Outer Limits!
2012-12-14 03:00:43
@blakestacey: @MockTM “He has reached the outer limits of my territory…a territory known…as the Twilight Zone.”
2012-12-14 03:00:47
@pixelsnake: @MockTM Scratch that, Saruman meets darth vader.
2012-12-14 03:00:58
@szvan: @MockTM How did Vader get into this movie?
2012-12-14 03:01:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Records must be analyzed, but they’re kept on that old Windows 95 machine, so it’ll take a while.”
2012-12-14 03:01:09
@brx0: @MockTM Nothing, just some guys at the Vader cosplay convention.
2012-12-14 03:01:30
@BenZvan: @MockTM I don’t know what it is so I’ll hit it with a rock!!!
2012-12-14 03:01:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And the Overlord is bloody Palpatine. Okay, when was this movie shot?
2012-12-14 03:02:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Overlord, two more invaders in section 6. One of them is bodacious, sir.”
2012-12-14 03:02:08
@pixelsnake: @MockTM THEY CALLED HIM OVERLORD?? YOU NEVER CALL YOUR OVERLORD OVERLORD!
2012-12-14 03:02:11
@szvan: @MockTM Ba’al!
2012-12-14 03:02:36
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, actually it’s a fetish Vader cosplay convention.
2012-12-14 03:03:21
@szvan: @MockTM What is it about 80s hair that keeps anyone from looking like a good guy?
2012-12-14 03:03:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You are number six!”
2012-12-14 03:03:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM He had a perfectly good left hand but still felt compelled to take the tiny piece of paper in his pincer claws.
2012-12-14 03:04:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM CP/M console keyboards — of THE FUTURE!
2012-12-14 03:04:12
@pixelsnake: @MockTM THey can’t afford anything larger than a 4 inch screen in the future.
2012-12-14 03:04:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @szvan So I called the Goa’ould earlier then. Bloody Ba’al clones. They’re everywhere.
2012-12-14 03:04:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM “If you’re my friend as you say, release me. Or buy me dinner first.”
2012-12-14 03:04:48
@brx0: @MockTM Oooh, turns out he’s been wearing a USB flash drive all this time.
2012-12-14 03:05:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I will allow the poor fool to learn the secret of his existence, then I will turn him to the dark side of the force.”
2012-12-14 03:05:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM “He’s perfect for what I have in mind: this movie I’m scripting called SPACE MUTINY.”
2012-12-14 03:05:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “That was when I was learning to hunt! Two days ago!”
2012-12-14 03:06:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Who are you?” “They call me…Follower of the List.”
2012-12-14 03:07:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM He’s beaming for Robbie!
2012-12-14 03:07:26
@BenZvan: @MockTM If I’m ever elected president of anything, I’m moving to change the title to OVERLORD!!!
2012-12-14 03:07:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ah, your friends. In the future, we don’t have friends.”
2012-12-14 03:07:29
@brx0: @MockTM Overlord PowerGlove action.
2012-12-14 03:07:38
@szvan: @MockTM Why do I feel she was sent out of the room so the answer to “Who are you?” wouldn’t be “Oh, he’s a douchebag.”
2012-12-14 03:07:45
@BenZvan: @MockTM “Damn! You caught me monologuing!”
2012-12-14 03:08:29
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a terrible thing that a congenital speech impediment can turn so many into evil not-quite-geniuses.
2012-12-14 03:08:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No dude, if that tinfoil door tried to chop you in half, putting your hand up to stop it isn’t going to help.
2012-12-14 03:08:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Lucky that the rebels and the cavepeople speak the same language.
2012-12-14 03:09:15
@BenZvan: @MockTM I don’t know how to act blind so I will blindly act.
2012-12-14 03:09:31
@blakestacey: @MockTM “What is it really like?” “Well, there are dinosaurs, for starters…”
2012-12-14 03:09:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I don’t know what you’re talking about. And I’m tired and hungry. I wanna go back home.”
2012-12-14 03:10:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM You know what that globe needs? One of those streamy sparkly things inside from Spencer’s Gifts.
2012-12-14 03:10:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Hmm, how would Bruce Lee handle this situation?”
2012-12-14 03:11:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ba’al pokes the crystal ball and it goes *poik*. Surely that must mean something, unless UI’s are still shit in the future.
2012-12-14 03:11:47
@brx0: @MockTM Heyy, tiki house of mirrors! I’ll have a mai tai, make it a double, thanks.
2012-12-14 03:12:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “AAAH! It’s hideous and there’s so many of it! Wait, it’s just my reflection.”
2012-12-14 03:12:29
@szvan: @MockTM Meh. No Ba’al’s best clone.
2012-12-14 03:12:47
@brx0: @MockTM Dayumm, them mirrors is terrorifying…
2012-12-14 03:13:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Which one is you? And can you make out with a reflection?”
2012-12-14 03:13:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM One of them had better come out of this situation with scratches on their face.
2012-12-14 03:13:21
@BenZvan: @MockTM Is this Yor or Scooby Doo?
2012-12-14 03:13:51
@szvan: @MockTM Turns out that in the future, they don’t like porn anymore.
2012-12-14 03:13:56
@BenZvan: @MockTM The germs of the radioactive fallout…*facepalm*
2012-12-14 03:15:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, is this going to turn into Zardoz now?
2012-12-14 03:15:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I want my people to procreate, multiply, and I’ll watch it all from my crystal ball.”
2012-12-14 03:15:14
@brx0: @MockTM Evildoer-disclosing-his-dastardly-plans scene.
2012-12-14 03:16:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “So what I’m saying is, go boink these androids.”
2012-12-14 03:16:24
@BenZvan: @MockTM These will replace all humans! http://t.co/fWjtyA7T
2012-12-14 03:16:29
@szvan: @MockTM I will operate on your mind until Lamarck was right.
2012-12-14 03:16:45
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Your memory will transmit itself to your genes…I think… Yeah. It’s been a while since I took bio.”
2012-12-14 03:17:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So Ba’al’s going to mutate Kalaa into a preying mantis then?
2012-12-14 03:17:07
@brx0: @MockTM Yay, rebel rebellion of rebelliousness!
2012-12-14 03:17:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Pew pew pew! Aaaah! Ah-ah-ah-ah! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo
2012-12-14 03:17:52
@blakestacey: @MockTM “It’s so rare that I get the chance to go full-on monologue!”
2012-12-14 03:18:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @blakestacey See, that bed’s actually an Animus.
2012-12-14 03:18:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM Railing kill!
2012-12-14 03:18:54
@BenZvan: @MockTM Red alert you say? http://t.co/Hk7UA8Ak
2012-12-14 03:19:08
@brx0: @MockTM Lazer sounds are cribbed from Original BSG, aren’t they?
2012-12-14 03:19:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What, Yor isn’t trying to melee the stormtroopers with that gun? You’re breaking type, Yor!
2012-12-14 03:19:27
@BenZvan: @MockTM Prepare for an atomic pile driver!
2012-12-14 03:19:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM “He’s outsmarted us!” “That wasn’t very hard.”
2012-12-14 03:19:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “No I meant use the buttons on that thing and drive it across the gap, not swing on the power cord for it.”
2012-12-14 03:20:33
@szvan: @MockTM They may be fools, but they’re your fools.
2012-12-14 03:20:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Yeah! Or, just, you know, throw it over here.”
2012-12-14 03:20:58
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, nuclear circus trapeze action. Cue that rad Yor theme!
2012-12-14 03:21:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM More rock opera!!! YEAH
2012-12-14 03:21:23
@BenZvan: @MockTM Cirque du WTF?!
2012-12-14 03:21:29
@szvan: @MockTM Aren’t these guys hard to catch, all oiled up like that?
2012-12-14 03:21:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey, Emperor Ba’alpatine has a swank chestplate.
2012-12-14 03:22:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Does it count as a called shot if you yell out your opponent’s name then shoot both of his minions?
2012-12-14 03:22:59
@BenZvan: @MockTM Now I understand the purpose of the tactical flashlight.
2012-12-14 03:23:23
@szvan: @MockTM We won! Cue dance scene!
2012-12-14 03:23:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay so when does the old guy nobly sacrifice himself?
2012-12-14 03:24:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, they’re only having to fight and get killed here because they put the blind guy in charge of switching off the droids?
2012-12-14 03:24:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Some rebels. Remember, aim first, shoot second.
2012-12-14 03:24:49
@BenZvan: @MockTM Why does the futuristic city look like a playschool power station?
2012-12-14 03:25:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM What are you waiting for? We have to outrun the fireball!
2012-12-14 03:26:04
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, RC space cruiser action. Also sorta-setup for a sequel that never happened.
2012-12-14 03:27:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM Will he succeed? I don’t know. Tell us, voiceover man!
2012-12-14 03:27:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Gulf war, and through earth, wind and fire! Torg Wars, Oswald is his naa-ame”
2012-12-14 03:27:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM YOR WILL RETURN in ON HER MAJESTY’S STEGOSAURUS
2012-12-14 03:27:48
@brx0: @MockTM Anyway, cue the Yor theme again. Another chance to savor it. I was right, it’s pretty much the highlight of the film.
2012-12-14 03:27:56
@pixelsnake: @MockTM *cries*
2012-12-14 03:27:57
@szvan: @MockTM Tonight’s lesson: If you have enough synthesizers, you don’t need a script.
2012-12-14 03:28:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The search goes on and on… Much like this song…”
2012-12-14 03:28:29

Comments

  1. Nancy New, Queen of your Regulatory Nightmare says

    Oddly enough, a friend on FB asked the other day for your votes for “worst movie ever” and I pulled this one out of my checkered movie past. I saw it at a small town midwest theatre; part of a double bill with “The Survivors,” (Robin WIlliams, Walter Mathau and Jerry Lee Lewis). Must have been ’83 or ’84. I was astonished at how bad it was; fortunately I have blocked all but the title from my memory.

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