Nov 30 2012

Mock The Movie: Sands Of Oblivion transcript

Don’t forget, the Gamers For Godlessness 24 Hour Gameathon fundraiser for Camp Quest and Women In Secularism starts tomorrow at 12 Noon EST! This link will take you there, though the link will only be live tomorrow at 10am EST.


Even Adam Baldwin and Morena Baccarin and liberal reuse of CGI giant snake models from other Syfy movies couldn’t save this miserable pile of self-mockery. By the end of it I was really hoping for a better one-liner to finish off the bad guy. The fight scene with the cutout paintings was the crowning achievement of this movie, which should tell you something. That’s all I have to say about that.

Subtitle files via CompulsoryAccount7746. Rename to the same as your video file only .srt, and VLC should do the rest.

@lousycanuck: @MockTM All queued up and I have drinks and snacks. Woot!
2012-11-30 01:59:22
@CA7746: @MockTM Anything. Even hugs.
2012-11-30 02:00:55
@CA7746: @MockTM Helmeted guy in front is hypnotized.
2012-11-30 02:01:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Which one is Xerxes again? I can’t tell without all the piercings.
2012-11-30 02:02:45
@CA7746: @MockTM Footwear, not a priority.
2012-11-30 02:03:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “As time passed, the wise men learned how to defend themselves against the beast. They found his weak point. His heart. Who knew?”
2012-11-30 02:04:22
@CA7746: @MockTM Buried below an inch of sand, forever…
2012-11-30 02:05:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And nobody better walk off with that Chappa’ai. It’s valuable.”
2012-11-30 02:06:55
@BenZvan: @MockTM Rawr!
2012-11-30 02:07:51
@szvan: @MockTM Wait. We’re watching Godzilla?
2012-11-30 02:07:54
@CA7746: @MockTM Papyrus font for title, check.
2012-11-30 02:07:57
@szvan: @MockTM Smoke. Just like sand, right?
2012-11-30 02:08:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow, impaling himself on that obelisk totally bent it like almost thirty degrees.
2012-11-30 02:08:44
@szvan: @MockTM Those are a lot of footprints. What take is this?
2012-11-30 02:10:07
@BenZvan: @MockTM You didn’t tell me we were watching Ishtar! You bastard!
2012-11-30 02:10:10
@agolas: @MockTM “I’m ready for my closeup!”
2012-11-30 02:11:17
@CA7746: @MockTM Kodos!
2012-11-30 02:11:27
@BenZvan: @MockTM “The day of all days! Pharaoh’s legions await my ord…Mmm…donuts….”
2012-11-30 02:12:25
@szvan: @MockTM “Pharaoh’s legions await my orders!.Bring me donuts!”
2012-11-30 02:12:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Sand doesn’t move around at all. So it’s *always* been an inch deep.
2012-11-30 02:12:49
@BenZvan: @MockTM There may be a reason @szvan and I are married to each…mmm…donuts…
2012-11-30 02:13:38
@BenZvan: @MockTM You gotta like a movie that’s self-mocking.
2012-11-30 02:14:15
@szvan: @MockTM DeMille: “I don’t truck with fantasy.” Umm, dude!
2012-11-30 02:14:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Do kids often say “that said”? I really wouldn’t know.
2012-11-30 02:14:44
@BenZvan: @MockTM @lousycanuck No, they don’t…that said, I wouldn’t know either.
2012-11-30 02:15:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Only fools venture to this desolate place. Fools and actors. And little boys.”
2012-11-30 02:16:00
@BenZvan: @MockTM You think we should put a danger sign on this open manhole? Nah, why draw attention to it?
2012-11-30 02:16:17
@szvan: @MockTM Only fools venture to this desolate place…and the tortoises can feed the monster, for all I care.
2012-11-30 02:16:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And we have our hero.
2012-11-30 02:16:34
@BenZvan: @MockTM Steve Wozniak stars in this movie? Sweet! Segway running from Anubis in the sand!
2012-11-30 02:17:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “But the things I find in the sand turn out to be dangerous.” “Land mines?” “No, ancient evil mostly.”
2012-11-30 02:17:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow, Jayne is cheating on Inara.
2012-11-30 02:19:54
@BenZvan: @MockTM Aaannd…ass in your face. Uh…tv screen.
2012-11-30 02:20:01
@szvan: @MockTM Sleeping with his student. Can we feed him to the monster first?
2012-11-30 02:20:20
@jazzidiot: RT @MockTM: 10 minutes to mocking! Hit play on my mark.
2012-11-30 02:20:24
@BenZvan: @MockTM Aaannd…ass in the sand…
2012-11-30 02:21:14
@BenZvan: @MockTM Uh…G.I. Joe what now?
2012-11-30 02:21:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You haven’t found any of the good stuff yet!” “Oh yes I have, here’s G I Joe.”
2012-11-30 02:21:52
@szvan: @MockTM I don’t always look at metrosexual dudes, but when I do, I think, “G. I. Joe!”
2012-11-30 02:22:22
@BenZvan: @MockTM The Woz has really gone downhill in his acting abilities.
2012-11-30 02:22:37
@BenZvan: @MockTM My metal detector has gone off in the desert! There must be a movie set here!
2012-11-30 02:24:39
@agolas: @MockTM “Eighty years! Not quite a thousand, but close enough!”
2012-11-30 02:25:03
@CA7746: @MockTM Hey, it’s Donnie Darko’s rabbit friend!
2012-11-30 02:25:05
@BenZvan: @MockTM If The Woz had really buried a time capsule, he’d have let someone else dig it up.
2012-11-30 02:25:35
@CA7746: @MockTM Whoever possessed the Amulet of Ra was protected… or not.
2012-11-30 02:25:58
@BenZvan: @MockTM Rawr!
2012-11-30 02:26:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM He’s old, yes, but arms don’t generally break off like they’re made of paper mache. Just saying.
2012-11-30 02:26:51
@szvan: @MockTM Oooh, the monster has cauterizing teeth.
2012-11-30 02:27:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Chest compressions on someone with an unclosed wound is a bad idea generally.
2012-11-30 02:27:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well what DO you know, Sergeant Flattop?”
2012-11-30 02:28:45
@szvan: @MockTM I don’t think he actually wears that hat.
2012-11-30 02:29:05
@BenZvan: @MockTM Keep your missing arms off of my blue suede shoes. Uh huh.
2012-11-30 02:29:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Seal of protection that keeps away evil spirits.” “Doesn’t seem to work too well.” Yeah no kidding. This movie is self aware.
2012-11-30 02:30:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Look, I know you’re grieving, but do you want a job?
2012-11-30 02:31:49
@BenZvan: @MockTM We’re going to move this set in 2 weeks. Place the snipers there…and there.
2012-11-30 02:32:03
@szvan: @MockTM What a coincidence? The cute dude has qualifications that will keep him near the cute chick. Who’d a thunk?
2012-11-30 02:32:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I read the papers. I watch CNN. I know things about things.” “Which papers?” “All of them. I read them all. Yeah.”
2012-11-30 02:34:03
@BenZvan: @MockTM Flashback! Guy running through the desert yelling “Dr Carter!”
2012-11-30 02:34:40
@szvan: @MockTM Someone should tell the special effects team that you’re not supposed to see where the matte starts.
2012-11-30 02:35:03
@BenZvan: @MockTM Now that Dr. Carter has arrived, when do you suppose O’Neil will show up?
2012-11-30 02:35:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This vase looks like the real thing.” “Hey let’s play catch with it!”
2012-11-30 02:35:31
@szvan: @MockTM The heavy machinery operator started with the look of a man who knows his shirt is red.
2012-11-30 02:36:07
@BenZvan: @MockTM Basic entomology people! Scorpions don’t sting that way!
2012-11-30 02:36:21
@szvan: @MockTM “Oh, my God! Those special effects are terrible!”
2012-11-30 02:36:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dude gets beheaded, everyone’s first reaction is “someone call an ambulance”? Yeah. Maybe CPR. Mouth to esophagus.
2012-11-30 02:36:49
@BenZvan: @MockTM Okay…his head is going to get cut off, but I don’t want you to scream about it until the tractor backs up to show it for no reason
2012-11-30 02:37:18
@BenZvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM Esophagus? You want to inflate his stomach?
2012-11-30 02:37:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Look I know this sounds crazy, but my spider-sense was acting up. I know, they’re not spiders, but scorpions are pretty close.”
2012-11-30 02:38:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM From the outtakes: “I hate this.” “Hate what?” “This movie, mostly.”
2012-11-30 02:38:56
@szvan: @MockTM “I’ve got this weird feeling about what happened, and I haven’t been able to shake it in the hour since he died.”
2012-11-30 02:39:31
@BenZvan: @MockTM The unzip of doom!
2012-11-30 02:39:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hello little shard of plaster.” “Hello.” “AAAAH”
2012-11-30 02:39:42
@BenZvan: @MockTM Consistent with the completely nonexistent Holywood set construction standards of the early 19…20s.
2012-11-30 02:40:47
@szvan: @MockTM If she won’t push any harder than that to save herself, she deserves to die.
2012-11-30 02:41:06
@agolas: @MockTM Be honest, who else was expecting him to suck her shadow dry and toss her aside? *cough*themummy*cough*
2012-11-30 02:41:18
@BenZvan: @MockTM commercial: It has multicell-tubes!!!
2012-11-30 02:41:18
@BenZvan: @agolas @MockTM Well…now that you mention it…
2012-11-30 02:41:51
@szvan: @MockTM We don’t have many students with speaking lines left. I predict a chase scene coming up soon.
2012-11-30 02:42:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m better than you at your field, and your wife digs me. Eat it, Jayne.”
2012-11-30 02:42:11
@BenZvan: @MockTM Rosebud!!!! *spoilers*
2012-11-30 02:44:10
@BenZvan: @MockTM Rawr!
2012-11-30 02:44:48
@szvan: @MockTM Not a chase scene then, just a suddenly indecisive monster.
2012-11-30 02:45:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “A face like a wolf or a dog… or Anubis… because we know things about ancient Egypt if we’re students in this class, right?”
2012-11-30 02:45:57
@BenZvan: @MockTM Doberman…jackal…whatevz.
2012-11-30 02:46:07
@agolas: @MockTM So are there a lot of historians who double-specialize in ancient Egypt and early 20th century American film?
2012-11-30 02:47:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It reads like a spell. An incantation. Let me read it… snake head, snake middle part, snake middle part.”
2012-11-30 02:47:14
@szvan: @MockTM “It’s arranged like a code. Because those are arranged differently than any other kind of communication.”
2012-11-30 02:47:29
@BenZvan: @MockTM “It’s like a puzzle…There’s no logic.” “No, there’s logic, it’s arranged like a code.”
2012-11-30 02:47:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well there’s no literal translation. ‘Or drown in the sands of oblivion.’ Wait, I guess maybe that IS literal.”
2012-11-30 02:48:19
@BenZvan: @MockTM Okay…I gotta give them props for self-awareness. Good point.
2012-11-30 02:48:58
@szvan: @MockTM “You sound like a bunch of UFO chasers”, says the guys whose grandpa’s arm just sort of disappeared.
2012-11-30 02:49:01
@CA7746: @MockTM Seth, the boner killer.
2012-11-30 02:49:06
@CA7746: @MockTM So… Yahweh’s the boner killer.
2012-11-30 02:49:17
@BenZvan: @MockTM “what are you doing?!” “I’m sitting down…I’m kind of tired.”
2012-11-30 02:49:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ooooh. “Cartouche.” Look at you, all archaeologist-like.
2012-11-30 02:50:08
@szvan: @MockTM And Jesse suddenly stops to hear everything he’s just said and gets scared. Very bright, for a scientist.
2012-11-30 02:50:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Im na Ra” is the “right hand of Seth”? Not “Ra?” Of course, his translation may be off, he just said…
2012-11-30 02:50:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OM NOM NOM. Fucking megapythons.
2012-11-30 02:53:35
@szvan: @MockTM I don’t remember “hauling people up into trees” from the plagues of Egypt.
2012-11-30 02:54:51
@szvan: @MockTM Someone needs to explain to these writers that you can only hang so many lanterns on one script.
2012-11-30 02:56:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “There’s more to ancient egypt than mummies — there’s also evil sand demons.”
2012-11-30 02:56:55
@BenZvan: @MockTM There was more to Egypt than mummies and pyramids. There was the occult too.
2012-11-30 02:56:56
@szvan: @MockTM Sooo…she’s read these archives before, but she was surprised by the artifacts in the buried city. Huh.
2012-11-30 02:56:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I know who he is. I rifled through is wallet while he was unconscious.”
2012-11-30 02:57:45
@BenZvan: @MockTM “It’s a movie…or is it?”
2012-11-30 02:58:00
@lousycanuck: @szvan @MockTM That’s because she’s an archaeologist and they’re not noted for their observational skills or anything.
2012-11-30 02:59:18
@szvan: @MockTM “Freemasons!” Duh, duh, DUH!
2012-11-30 02:59:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Now what I’m about to tell you has been disavowed by the Egyptian government and our own. Freemasons, along with the Illuminati…”
2012-11-30 03:00:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM How long til we get Bigfoot and MK-ULTRA in here?
2012-11-30 03:01:45
@szvan: @MockTM Our video keeps freezing and I keep thinking I’m missing important plot developments. Silly me.
2012-11-30 03:01:50
@BenZvan: @MockTM The bare midriff means she’s evil.
2012-11-30 03:02:23
@szvan: @MockTM So the monster likes foreplay. Huh.
2012-11-30 03:02:53
@BenZvan: @MockTM I didn’t know Ted Danson had a cameo in this movie!
2012-11-30 03:02:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So what was the purpose exactly of Anubis turning into a hot lady?
2012-11-30 03:03:10
@BenZvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM Rawr!
2012-11-30 03:03:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Anything spring up? Other than the obvious?”
2012-11-30 03:03:52
@BenZvan: @MockTM I had to take a shower because I really don’t going out in the desert because that’s my job and stuff.
2012-11-30 03:04:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey, do you mind turning around and ogling me in the mirror instead of straight-on?”
2012-11-30 03:04:39
@BenZvan: @MockTM I find that vests with hoods are the most practical thing ever. They’re also cute.
2012-11-30 03:04:59
2012-11-30 03:06:13
@BenZvan: @MockTM Just explaining the utility of the amulet probably would have been quicker than threatening, then explaining the amulet thing.
2012-11-30 03:06:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “He hasn’t been in your brain. Or your mind. Or your brain.”
2012-11-30 03:06:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Remember how I told you I don’t believe in God? Well this is real. Unlike God. Yeah. I went there.”
2012-11-30 03:07:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Aah, a box full of pieces of paper! My one weakness!”
2012-11-30 03:07:39
@BenZvan: @MockTM “For housekeeping. Sorry about the locusts.”
2012-11-30 03:08:01
@szvan: @MockTM Anyone want to explain to the writers why locusts are really a problem? Hint #1: It is what they eat. Hint #2: They don’t eat flesh.
2012-11-30 03:08:48
@szvan: @MockTM “It wasn’t Jesse.” Actually, it’s not particularly out of character for the asshole we’ve seen.
2012-11-30 03:09:22
@BenZvan: @MockTM “Weapon up jarhead.”
2012-11-30 03:09:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, that plague of locusts had to fly all the way from Egypt. That’s why it’s having trouble keeping up with the truck.
2012-11-30 03:10:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Apologies to any marines I may have offended.” Speaking directly to the audience.
2012-11-30 03:10:39
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, *now* they tell us we need 10 or 15 beers.
2012-11-30 03:11:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, if there’s a rapture, this guy and his white phosphorus will totally fend off all those angels.
2012-11-30 03:12:37
@BenZvan: @MockTM A buttload of white phosphorus is a surprisingly small amount in real life.
2012-11-30 03:12:54
@CA7746: @MockTM Plot gremlins.
2012-11-30 03:13:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I was expecting a rising swell of patriotic music there. So disappointing.
2012-11-30 03:13:47
@BenZvan: @MockTM Tempus Fugit so Carpe Diem.
2012-11-30 03:14:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Jesse was smart enough to sabotage the truck but none of the other vehicles.
2012-11-30 03:15:10
@BenZvan: @MockTM “Are you telling me someone has breached my perimeter?” Uh…okay…I’m not going there.
2012-11-30 03:15:35
@szvan: @MockTM Apparently being possessed by an ancient monster makes you a little…well…stupid.
2012-11-30 03:15:36
@szvan: @MockTM Yep, still seeing less than zero personality change.
2012-11-30 03:17:07
@BenZvan: @MockTM Those are the second worst CGI cobras ever.
2012-11-30 03:17:59
@BenZvan: @MockTM And…that’s the worst CGI cobra ever.
2012-11-30 03:18:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It’s so good that Syfy gets to reuse their old CG models.
2012-11-30 03:18:40
@BenZvan: @MockTM I guess the best way to fight a god really is with a rapture nut.
2012-11-30 03:19:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Nice of them to color-code the dune buggies so we don’t get confused during the big chase scene.
2012-11-30 03:19:27
@BenZvan: @MockTM “oh I wish I was in the land of Dixie!”
2012-11-30 03:19:57
@szvan: @MockTM What’s the cure for testosterone poisoning? I’m going to need some before this is over.
2012-11-30 03:20:03
@BenZvan: @MockTM Our heroine is wearing a quantum necklace.
2012-11-30 03:20:53
@szvan: @MockTM And the cure for stupid.
2012-11-30 03:21:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM They didn’t even have it in their budget to have a real car accident. Wow.
2012-11-30 03:22:06
@BenZvan: @MockTM Aaaaaaahhhh! Zoom pan!!!!!
2012-11-30 03:22:42
@agolas: @MockTM Ha! No effort to hide the tracks of the camera truck!
2012-11-30 03:22:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Filmed in SHUDDER CAM!
2012-11-30 03:22:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Punch. Punch. Shake boil goo off hands. Punch.
2012-11-30 03:23:49
@BenZvan: @MockTM I never could get the hang of keeping my passenger from knocking my manual transmission out of gear.
2012-11-30 03:23:54
@szvan: @MockTM I’m going to have to watch the sledgehammer fight from Streets of Fire after this, just to remove the taste.
2012-11-30 03:24:03
@BenZvan: @MockTM Well…that looked…scratchy.
2012-11-30 03:24:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I guess they should have walked without rhythm, so as not to attract the angry god.
2012-11-30 03:24:52
@szvan: @MockTM *That’s* how you soothe the grieving. “That was just a walking meat puppet.”
2012-11-30 03:25:38
@BenZvan: @MockTM That was a pretty crappy parking job.
2012-11-30 03:26:11
@CA7746: @MockTM Jar Jar has not aged well.
2012-11-30 03:26:26
@szvan: @MockTM “Nigel, what are you doing here?” “I don’t think the death count is high enough yet.”
2012-11-30 03:26:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You have the amulet right?” “Yeah, right here. Hmm. It was here a second ago.” “Oh silly me, it’s back on my neck again.”
2012-11-30 03:26:37
@BenZvan: @MockTM Rawr! Heh heh heh.
2012-11-30 03:28:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Don’t worry, I’m an expert at fighting with cardboard cutouts.”
2012-11-30 03:28:06
@szvan: @MockTM “Oh, I don’t believe this.” Suddenly my favoritest character ever.
2012-11-30 03:28:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM For anyone keeping track, rebar is not one of Anubis’ weaknesses.
2012-11-30 03:28:57
@agolas: @MockTM “I’m sick of you, you bastard!” Me, to this movie
2012-11-30 03:29:18
@BenZvan: @MockTM That throw was a thankfully missed opportunity for a Wilhelm scream.
2012-11-30 03:29:19
@szvan: @MockTM Wait. That’s not Anubis. Which Egyptian god has the head of a rotting camel?
2012-11-30 03:29:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, the shotgun won’t KILL him, but making him pause to reassemble himself isn’t totally useless.
2012-11-30 03:30:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, no, no, you don’t hit the enemy with the mortar launcher. You hit them with the mortar.
2012-11-30 03:30:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hope you’ve got some sunscreen?” Really? What the hell kinda one-liner is that? Why not, like, “your ass is glass?”
2012-11-30 03:32:00
@CA7746: @MockTM He tampered in Alice’s domain.
2012-11-30 03:32:14
@BenZvan: @MockTM For the record, it’s usually Willy Pete, not Willy Peter.
2012-11-30 03:32:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey Alice, there’s one more thing –” “SEX YES PLEASE” “Okay.”
2012-11-30 03:33:09
@BenZvan: @MockTM There’s one more thing we can squeeze in…rawr!
2012-11-30 03:33:10
@szvan: @MockTM The grief process is long and involved and…fuck it. Let’s fuck.
2012-11-30 03:33:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well. They tampered in Egyptian God of Evil’s domain.
2012-11-30 03:33:41

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