Oct 16 2012

Mock The Movie: Rabid Grannies transcript

Sick wife, work still ridiculous, almost completely out of resources again. Ow. Transcript below the fold. Will edit in the subtitle files after I get some rest.

Movie was exactly what I’ve come to expect from Troma. Not completely horrible — too self-mocking to classify as horrible. Lots of senseless deaths and hammy acting and cheesy effects. Lots of self-awareness. Made it rather difficult to mock, in fact. The self-mocking ones are like that.

@BenZvan: @lousycanuck @CarlieP @MockTM If we’d planned ahead, we could have mocked the debate.
2012-10-12 00:57:57
@ReasJack: @MockTM Allright let’s see if I am the only one here
2012-10-12 00:58:15
@lousycanuck: @BenZvan @CarlieP @MockTM We DID plan ahead. The debate stomped our time!
2012-10-12 00:59:25
@szvan: @BenZvan @lousycanuck @CarlieP @MockTM If they’d consulted with us when they picked the date, we could have done both.
2012-10-12 00:59:35
@lousycanuck: @ReasJack @MockTM I’m here. So’s @szvan and @BenZvan. That’s four. Maybe @CarlieP.
2012-10-12 00:59:57
@BenZvan: @MockTM I didn’t realize this was a buddy-cop movie.
2012-10-12 01:00:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Pressing play now. Yay!
2012-10-12 01:00:30
@BenZvan: @MockTM I didn’t say Simon Says!
2012-10-12 01:01:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Stardust Pictures “Nr. 1″? Interesting way of abbreviating. What happened to the other Stardust Pictures?
2012-10-12 01:01:24
@CarlieP: @mocktm He looks like the prince in the Holy Grail. “I must go home! … to… large tracts of land!”
2012-10-12 01:02:00
@BenZvan: @MockTM Okay…not buddy-cop…Regency period drama. #themusic
2012-10-12 01:02:05
@CA7746: @MockTM Dubbed nonagenarians. Pacing won’t suffer, I’m sure.
2012-10-12 01:02:07
@szvan: @MockTM Judging by relative volumes, the dialog is not the important part of this movie.
2012-10-12 01:02:58
@szvan: @MockTM Giving away booze? I like these old ladies already.
2012-10-12 01:03:31
@BenZvan: @MockTM This Saturday, I’m going to walk around downtown giving out bottles of cheap red wine to bums.
2012-10-12 01:03:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well, these grannies are stand-up citizens, sending their driver to the pub then giving booze to a hobo.
2012-10-12 01:03:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Lighting the votive candles to harpsichord music, praying. These grannies can’t possibly be evil monsters.
2012-10-12 01:04:28
@BenZvan: @MockTM And then we cut the bird in the style of “something french that Julia Child would have said.”
2012-10-12 01:04:46
@BenZvan: @mocktm Just look at the time! Just look at the table! Just look at this dolly pan!
2012-10-12 01:06:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “KEEP PLUCKING GIRL!” This is a live-action cartoon.
2012-10-12 01:06:08
@ReasJack: @MockTM And then I’d invade russia!
2012-10-12 01:06:17
@CarlieP: @MockTM Maybe they should be plucking chickens in the vp debate to spice things up.
2012-10-12 01:06:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I suppose our hands and mouths work separately, so we can talk! So I’ll monologue while we pluck. Multitasking!”
2012-10-12 01:06:51
@szvan: @MockTM “But underneath? Nothing but maggot-infested, rotting flesh! Just like these pheasants, in fact.”
2012-10-12 01:07:08
@ReasJack: @MockTM As for the Oncologists?
2012-10-12 01:07:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Where’s the connection with the price of tea in China?”
2012-10-12 01:08:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM French ticklers and colleges in the same breath. This guy’s definitely partaken in higher education.
2012-10-12 01:08:28
@szvan: @MockTM I think that child’s going to be a lawyer. Or would if she survived.
2012-10-12 01:09:52
@CarlieP: @MockTM Was this movie shot and then re-dubbed in English again?
2012-10-12 01:10:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You’ll have my cookies when you pry them from my cold dead hands!” That will be arranged soon enough.
2012-10-12 01:10:35
@BenZvan: @MockTM An American arms dealer selling arms in the Middle East as a way to fight American imperialism? Inconceivable!
2012-10-12 01:10:55
@CarlieP: @MockTM Wait wait. Did he just say “I only have the Islamic version, and next week the Russian and Chinese?” Islam is a language?
2012-10-12 01:11:21
@ReasJack: @MockTM Are we supposed to be afraid or cheer when these people start croaking?
2012-10-12 01:11:49
@BenZvan: @MockTM @ReasJack I’m already cheering knowing they will.
2012-10-12 01:12:20
@CA7746: @MockTM These two have chemistry. Inorganic counts, right?
2012-10-12 01:12:39
@BenZvan: @MockTM Just look at the time! Again! Now!
2012-10-12 01:13:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM They’ve gone out of their way to make everyone unlikeable, Now they’re trying to make these two unlikeable by making them lesbians?
2012-10-12 01:13:55
@ReasJack: @MockTM Not enjoy ourselves? I thought you wanted me to do the ear thingy.
2012-10-12 01:14:33
@ReasJack: @MockTM We have the best cyanide on ice madam.
2012-10-12 01:15:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, the young jackass is Marty McFly? I’ll be damned if that wasn’t a DeLorean.
2012-10-12 01:15:51
@CA7746: @MockTM Take his coat. Please.
2012-10-12 01:16:10
@CA7746: @MockTM Gorilla suit, then?
2012-10-12 01:16:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Thanks!? The nerve!!!”
2012-10-12 01:17:00
@szvan: @MockTM The servants aren’t much, character-wise, but they’re garnering sympathy just by comparison.
2012-10-12 01:17:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oop, first f-bomb.
2012-10-12 01:17:18
@ReasJack: @MockTM Who do I want to die first?
2012-10-12 01:18:26
@CA7746: @MockTM Did not expect that from ‘Rabid Grannies’.
2012-10-12 01:18:43
@BenZvan: @MockTM Wedgie!
2012-10-12 01:19:16
@szvan: @MockTM I liked her a lot better when she was insulting him.
2012-10-12 01:19:20
@BenZvan: @MockTM @lousycanuck Alpha Romeo
2012-10-12 01:19:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yup, okay, the one character with any promise decides to have sex with the buffoon pickup artist. That makes everyone that’ll die.
2012-10-12 01:20:13
@BenZvan: @MockTM @lousycanuck So…uh…I guess you’re damned then.
2012-10-12 01:20:39
@ReasJack: @MockTM Soft porn AND rabid grannies.
2012-10-12 01:20:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow, that guy is going to die of a heart attack if he finishes that joke.
2012-10-12 01:21:10
@brx0: I seem to have missed tonight’s @MockTM. And worse, I was trying to write an installer, ie the official suckiest part of programming.
2012-10-12 01:21:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “But I’m hastening the apocalypse and killing Commies, so God’s totes okay with that!”
2012-10-12 01:22:14
@BenZvan: @MockTM “I’ve never looked at it.” “That way before.” “But I’ve studied under.” “William Shatner before.”
2012-10-12 01:22:22
@BenZvan: @MockTM If there’s one thing the priesthood is good at, it’s showing people how to fork properly.
2012-10-12 01:23:34
@szvan: @MockTM “How’s it going out there?” “I believe they’re ready for the poison course.”
2012-10-12 01:23:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “How’s it going out there?” “I dare to say, it’s almost time for the slaughter.” “Already?”
2012-10-12 01:23:57
@CA7746: @MockTM Time for Laura Bow to arrive…
2012-10-12 01:24:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @CA7746 Oh if only this was a Laura Bow mystery. Hell, I’d settle for Gabriel Knight.
2012-10-12 01:24:40
@BenZvan: @MockTM Ahh, the homey smell of burning feathers.
2012-10-12 01:25:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow, she’s like psychic or something, totally called it. It WAS the Devil.
2012-10-12 01:25:44
@BenZvan: @MockTM Close this gate! Close this gate!
2012-10-12 01:26:03
@szvan: @MockTM Somehow I expected the grannies to refrain from chewing scenery until *after* they were rabid.
2012-10-12 01:28:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s a package! So exciting! Here comes your murder!!!”
2012-10-12 01:28:24
@BenZvan: @MockTM Director: “Once more, only this time with more head bobbing!”
2012-10-12 01:28:29
@BenZvan: @MockTM Wow…the production quality on Downton Abbey sure has gone down since Mitt Romney cut the BBC’s funding.
2012-10-12 01:29:24
@ReasJack: @MockTM NO it isn’t exciting at all.
2012-10-12 01:29:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ohhh, an iron maiden! What a sweet and generous and appropriate gift! Who shall try it first?”
2012-10-12 01:30:01
@CarlieP: @MockTM Have to bail – kid issues. Enjoy the gore!
2012-10-12 01:31:05
@CA7746: @MockTM A dusty box!
2012-10-12 01:32:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ohhh, how sweet and sincere of a gift, a box full of eldritch horrors!
2012-10-12 01:33:38
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, I see. The problem wasn’t the satanic present. It was the singing.
2012-10-12 01:34:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I don’t think Greensleeves is sung by saying “ha ha ha” over and over.
2012-10-12 01:34:14
@BenZvan: @MockTM She’s slurping her wine? Damn her! Damn her I say!
2012-10-12 01:34:52
@CA7746: @MockTM Candles, chanting, not good.
2012-10-12 01:35:31
@ReasJack: @MockTM She doesn’t know the words?
2012-10-12 01:35:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “No no, don’t worry about the knife, I’ve got one right here.”
2012-10-12 01:36:21
@CA7746: @MockTM Nosferatu?
2012-10-12 01:37:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Fresh lobster has NEVER done ANYTHING like that. I’m a Maritimer, I’d know.
2012-10-12 01:38:12
@BenZvan: @MockTM Hey…where’s the guy with the guns and ammo in his trunk? He could be useful right now.
2012-10-12 01:38:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Um, no, I don’t think you can keep calling yourself a lesbian if you’re going to jump random dudes. Bi, maybe.
2012-10-12 01:38:53
@ReasJack: @MockTM Hey Radu…..barada nikto
2012-10-12 01:39:12
@szvan: @MockTM Good thing that piece of furniture is so heavy. The grannies will take *forever* to get through.
2012-10-12 01:39:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “There’s a child present!” “I’m sorry! … wait, where?”
2012-10-12 01:40:05
@CA7746: @MockTM Cat
2012-10-12 01:40:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Attacked by a bobcat. Poor skeptic.
2012-10-12 01:41:08
@ReasJack: @MockTM Wait, did he just stop being a jerk?
2012-10-12 01:42:45
@szvan: @MockTM Hmm. Granny 2.0 is actually rather charming. At least while she’s occupied growing hands.
2012-10-12 01:42:50
@BenZvan: @MockTM They don’t have electric lights in the dining room, but they do have them in the cellar.
2012-10-12 01:43:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh shit they just got attacked by Vigo The Carpathian!!
2012-10-12 01:43:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Granny Theft Auto!
2012-10-12 01:44:18
@BenZvan: @MockTM Circumcise them? Priests do that, right?
2012-10-12 01:46:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And you! Can’t you do something?” “Well, actually, I’m really an atheist.”
2012-10-12 01:46:50
@szvan: @MockTM “How could we forget *Susie*?!” “Uh…we care about nothing but money? What? Just a guess.”
2012-10-12 01:47:54
@BenZvan: @MockTM it’s like the opposite of that movie with the two creepy kids in the hallway.
2012-10-12 01:48:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oop. I think someone is going to come into some cookies.
2012-10-12 01:48:29
@BenZvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM Eww.
2012-10-12 01:48:53
@ReasJack: @MockTM No, but then again Torquemada didn’t make this movie.
2012-10-12 01:49:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh please stop it!” Truer words never spoken.’
2012-10-12 01:51:15
@lousycanuck: @BenZvan @MockTM “Into”, not “on”. (Baking it makes all the difference.)
2012-10-12 01:51:41
@BenZvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM Ahh…well…carry on then.
2012-10-12 01:52:12
@ReasJack: @MockTM Yes Stop it. Stop talking. Stop doing things. They hurt
2012-10-12 01:52:15
@szvan: @MockTM Weirdly, as the movie goes on, the assholes get more likable.
2012-10-12 01:52:47
@CA7746: @MockTM Bring the kid, but no blunt objects.
2012-10-12 01:53:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @CA7746 I dunno, he’s got some heft to him. Could serve as a good makeshift blunt object.
2012-10-12 01:53:53
@CA7746: @MockTM Speaking of…
2012-10-12 01:54:11
@lousycanuck: @MocktM “Mummy, I’m tired… of this movie.”
2012-10-12 01:54:22
@BenZvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM @CA7746 I think this movie is a blunt object.
2012-10-12 01:54:24
@ReasJack: @MockTM OK. Are these people scared or just bored?
2012-10-12 01:54:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well, you found PART of Suzie anyway.
2012-10-12 01:54:51
@BenZvan: @MockTM Hey…this part reminds me of when people hold their cellphone the wrong way to take video.
2012-10-12 01:55:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Rrrr.
2012-10-12 01:55:49
@BenZvan: @MockTM Chicken fingers!
2012-10-12 01:55:53
@BenZvan: @MockTM Got any marinara?
2012-10-12 01:56:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So all that money, and they never installed any lifts? Zombie granny going up on a stairlift would have redeemed this.
2012-10-12 01:57:15
@BenZvan: @MockTM cause they clearly had marijuana, if you know what I mean…I mean they were stoned when they made this movie. See what I did there?
2012-10-12 01:57:25
@szvan: @MockTM *bang, bang, bang* “Have they gone?” “What do your parents teach you?”
2012-10-12 01:57:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We’ll cut up your husband like we cut up your daughter!” “Well, I don’t really much care about him, so…”
2012-10-12 01:58:44
@szvan: @MockTM Well, at least the cross made a good pointy object.
2012-10-12 01:59:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Nice blunt cross into the eye socket. Works every time.
2012-10-12 02:00:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “My cowardice runs right through me to my backbone.” That’s… a unique phrasing.
2012-10-12 02:00:49
@ReasJack: @MockTM Bore me. Youre going to bore me.
2012-10-12 02:01:17
@ReasJack: @MockTM This guy can die. He hasn’t turned likeable
2012-10-12 02:02:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Three Men and a Bertha.
2012-10-12 02:03:41
@CA7746: @MockTM Knocked over and still lit? That’s one determined candle.
2012-10-12 02:04:09
@BenZvan: @CA7746 @MockTM they don’t make them like they used to.
2012-10-12 02:04:47
@szvan: @MockTM Won’t someone think of the Radu?
2012-10-12 02:05:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This guy’s really drunk. Fascinated by a spider eating a fly and waxing philosophical.
2012-10-12 02:07:08
@BenZvan: @MockTM “you’ve got a short memory…allow me to exposition for you.”
2012-10-12 02:07:31
@BenZvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM You ever look at a spider eating a fly? I mean really look at a spider eating a fly?
2012-10-12 02:07:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No no, let the asshole go out the way we aren’t sure will kill people.
2012-10-12 02:08:04
@BenZvan: @MockTM I didn’t realize this was a Laurel and Hardy film.
2012-10-12 02:08:50
@ReasJack: @MockTM Yes by all means. Keep that shirt ON.
2012-10-12 02:09:41
@szvan: @MockTM For once in my life, I think more highly of the guy who leaves someone to his doom.
2012-10-12 02:09:53
@szvan: @MockTM Ooh, a test. Bullets vs. Satan.
2012-10-12 02:10:52
@BenZvan: @MockTM About. Damn. Time. He remembered the guns.
2012-10-12 02:11:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No no. Threaten the evil villains AFTER you get and arm the weapons.
2012-10-12 02:11:03
@szvan: @MockTM Well, he taught that crockery.
2012-10-12 02:11:16
@BenZvan: @MockTM Weakest. Shotgun. Chk-chk sound. Ever.
2012-10-12 02:11:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You can only kill these grannies by taking into account a granny’s weak points.
2012-10-12 02:12:38
@szvan: @MockTM I can’t help thinking that if the old ladies had been this funny and resourceful in life, the kids would have turned out better.
2012-10-12 02:12:44
@BenZvan: @MockTM Uh…platemaille < buckshot.
2012-10-12 02:13:07
@BenZvan: @MockTM You silly English knight!
2012-10-12 02:13:34
@BenZvan: @MockTM Some sort of French version of Woody Allen?
2012-10-12 02:14:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, he fell for the old slippery banana peel … err, liver … gag.
2012-10-12 02:15:15
@CA7746: @MockTM Full plate, the stealthiest armor.
2012-10-12 02:15:30
@BenZvan: @MockTM Support your right to arm rabid grannies!
2012-10-12 02:15:56
@BenZvan: @MockTM Ahh…good demon / bad demon. I know this one!
2012-10-12 02:17:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well, these choices all sound shit, so maybe I’ll just shoot you.”
2012-10-12 02:18:31
@szvan: @MockTM The hanging teeth are a nice, inventive touch.
2012-10-12 02:19:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You damned monsters! You damn dirty apes! This was our inheritance! Damn yoooooouuuuuu!”
2012-10-12 02:19:59
@szvan: @MockTM Well, that didn’t slow them down much, did it?
2012-10-12 02:20:42
@szvan: @MockTM “We’ve got to act quickly! The set wasn’t built for this abuse!”
2012-10-12 02:21:56
@CA7746: @MockTM Destroy the container…? Oh, phylactery. Got it.
2012-10-12 02:22:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM CRITICAL HIT! Double damage!
2012-10-12 02:22:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well, that was the best birthday ever, so good I can’t even remember it. But why am I so stuffed?”
2012-10-12 02:23:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, so this movie was an argument for atheism?
2012-10-12 02:25:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Kid’s not traumatized at all. “Wow that’s smashing!” I’d ruffle his hair and tell him to drink his coffee.
2012-10-12 02:25:52
@szvan: @MockTM Honestly, not the worst horror movie I’ve ever seen, even discounting other @MockTM entries.
2012-10-12 02:27:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And Jill the Dog.”
2012-10-12 02:27:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That was about everything I’ve come to expect from a Troma film.
2012-10-12 02:27:38
@BenZvan: @MockTM @szvan It was better than I remember Toxic Avenger being.
2012-10-12 02:27:48
@ReasJack: @MockTM The music changes were…uh…interesting.
2012-10-12 02:29:05
@szvan: @MockTM Also, that kid’s coming into a mint.
2012-10-12 02:29:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well. What lessons have we learned? Anything? Anything at all?
2012-10-12 02:33:46
@szvan: @MockTM @lousycanuck That self-mocking movies are harder to mock.
2012-10-12 02:34:15


  1. 1

    While I haven’t followed every MtM post, I’m rather disturbed that I saw 80%+ of the movies y’all have chosen to mock before you mocked them.

    My partner finds some weird stuff on Netflix, that’s all I can say. :)

  2. 2
    Jason Thibeault

    Patrick: That is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. :)

    The Mock The Movie tag at the bottom of the post should be included on every MtM we’ve done so far, if you want a complete list.

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