Sparlock the Warrior Wizard… IS EVIL


So sayeth the Jehovah’s Witnesses. See, Sparlock is a magical toy, and Jehovah hates magical toys. What’s that? Sparlock is a fictional character, and the “magic” is fictional too? Er, um. It’s ABOUT a magical wizard, therefore magic is real.

See? Sparlock is EVIL. THERE WAS A SNAKE IN THIS ANIMATION! That’s proof enough for me!

Remember kids, don’t participate in popular culture if it involves fictional magic, because there’s only one fictional magical creature you’re allowed to talk about, and that’s Jehovah. And Jehovah will not love you very much unless you obey him, and playing with toys is totally disobeying him. (Why am I reminded of the intro to The Binding of Isaac? Next Billy’s clothes get taken away because he’s still too sinful?)

Not all the JWs agree though. There’s actually a DEEEP RIIIIFT forming in the JW community over this, believe it or not. They’re TEARING THEMSELVES APART.

Hat tip sinned34. Who doesn’t seem to blog any more. Everyone shame him now.

Comments

  1. says

    I have Witness family members that I hope will pick me up a copy of this DVD. What I’m really hoping for is somebody to start making a Sparlock action figure.

    And I do still blog, but my team is down 3-1 in the Stanley Cup Finals. If I stopped to blog now, they might lose. Or something.

  2. says

    Well, as your husband (and just about everyone around here) can attest to, the last thing the skeptical community is interested in is beer.

    That said, I am contemplating a post based on a short conversation I had with my lovely wife regarding the rituals I observe while watching playoff hockey. At the very least, it should offer the opportunity for people to have a chuckle at my expense.

  3. James C. says

    When Caleb said “I don’t want Jehovah to be sad,” I could have sworn for a moment he was saying “I don’t want Jehovah.”

    If I had any video editing chops at all, I’d take this video as feedstock and produce some propaganda for the godless out of it, and Caleb would not want Jehovah. It would be a facile change.

  4. Chaos Engineer says

    I can’t stop watching the snake at 1:50-2:00. He’s just so expressive! I love the startled/hopeful look when the kid says Jehovah will be “sad”. I get the feeling that the snake is way behind on his quota for collecting souls, and he really needs to close this deal if he wants to keep his job. The frantic nodding at “Do you want Jehovah to be sad?” is just poignant. What an actor!

    I’d like to see those ten seconds developed into a feature film. This could be the best movie about the sales business since “Glengarry Glen Ross”.

  5. CompulsoryAccount7746, Sky Captain says

    @sinned34 #1:

    What I’m really hoping for is somebody to start making a Sparlock action figure.

    *Checks the Thingiverse catalog.*
    Not 3D printable yet.

  6. says

    I’m still surprised at this notion that Jehovah hates magic. Really? What was that whole turning Moses’ staff into a snake about? And the water into wine deal? Sadly, I know people who would buy into this.

  7. den1s says

    @sinned34 … you call that hockey? This may go down as the least watched Stanley Cup ever.

    “FORE!”

  8. says

    Den1s,

    Sutter hockey at it’s finest: a hard-hitting, clutch-and-grab, give-up-an-odd-man-rush-and-you’re-benched style of play that’s almost as boring to watch as the neutral-zone trap, but it wins hockey games.

    The biggest problem with nobody watching is that it’s a final between the New Jersey Devils (the most hated team in hockey for introducing the aforementioned trap that they no longer play) and the Sacramento, sorry, Los Angeles Kings (the team with the most fair weather fans in the league). Gary Bettman must be throwing a fit trying to figure out how to sell people on this series.

    Cue the comeback: Devils in seven! (as an atheist, I’m contractually obligated to cheer for a team named the Devils, until someone names a team the Hell’s Satans)

  9. jaranath says

    I only became an atheist (or more accurately, admitted to myself I was one) in my late twenties.  But even as a kid, I knew there was something deeply wrong with religion.  I was raised Catholic, and most of what I was exposed to was pretty generic and inoffensive; I didn’t have any Santorums in catechism or immediate family.  So most religion was just “meh” to me.     

    But a few friends were from the more devout flavors of fundagelical Christianity, and their families creeped me the hell out. I could never quite explain why, but I smelled something even then. I didn’t like hanging out much at their houses, and it wasn’t because it was more boring or restrictive, but because it was unsettling in a very Stephen King way.  Something was Wrong there, and it frightened me.

    This video hits those buttons all over again. I wanna scream at that poor kid to run like hell.  The whole scene is like a too-bright, plastic-smile, hellish parody of a family scene.  I kept expecting the mother to have button eyes.  Worst of all was “How did that make Jehovah feel?”.  Angry, right?  No.  SAD.  “I don’t want Jehovah to be SAD with me” couldn’t possibly BE more creepy.  “Sad” is not a directed emotion you can “be with” someone.  That’s angry.  But that wouldn’t be submissive enough, so we have to be responsible for his punishments.  Why do we make him hurt us?  He doesn’t want to…and that makes him even sadder.  Poor, poor Jehovah.

    And so help me, I couldn’t help thinking about the obvious sequel to the celebratory bike ride, as the mother patiently, plastically explains to her son how the doctors are right that more blood could help him get better after the accident, but that would make Jehovah SAD, and he should WANT to refuse… Who’s gonna ride bikes with you after THAT trip to the trash, Mom?

  10. evelyn brown says

    that lady is scary. thats some pretty serious emotional abuse. for a toy. im totally a convert; jehovas witnesses should not me allowed within 300 yards of a child.

  11. says

    Mugs and t. shirts and other merchandise is available already. My mug arrived this morning and I viewed a sample Sparlock model which is being designed and hopefully will be produced shortly if acceptable.

  12. Sh@zb0t says

    I am currently working on a sculpt (at this very minute) which I can produce a mold from for production. I am a stickler for details so it may be a few more weeks. I will check back on the forum for any ideas you all may have as far as accessories for his hands, head, etc…

  13. says

    JWs are afraid of plastic toys. They’re afraid of magic, but they can’t articulate why, just that it makes the great sky-daddy sad. Afraid of what people might think if their children play with or even mention plastic toy models of fictional characters who make fictional magic.

  14. timothy says

    Oh, it would be a dream come true if this nonsensical cartoon attributes to the downfall of the JW cult. Their beliefs are contradictory, and completely flip-flop. Example: you can’t take blood transfusions because the Moscaic law stated “do not eat blood;” but you CAN dice up the blood into tiny, micropscopic fractions and take THAT instead. Another example: watching R-rated movies is “bad” because the Bible says “you must hate violence.” … And then the JW’s go home and watch Spiderman, Loony Toons, and read the same “Holy” scriptures in which God commanded the Israelites to butcher innocent men, women, and children!

    For any Jehovah’s Witnesses who may be reading this comment, ask yourself:

    if God originally planned to lead his people through an earthly organization, wouldn’t Jesus explicitly say it??

    No, no, I don’t mean the Da Vinci-Code-ish method of “stating” something, which the governing body has invented and wants you to believe. I mean an actual scripture that says: “And Jesus rested his hand on Peter’s shoulder and said: Look for my coming in the year 1914, two thousandish years from now. Farewell.” If God and Jesus truly wanted as many people as possible to be saved, why wouldn’t they make the job easier for everyone?

    I can’t believe some people don’t stop and realize this!

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