Feb 24 2012

Full-out Atheist On Atheist War!

Oh holy shit, we’re talking honest-to-goodness internecene throwdowns happening all along the Great Atheist Rift! Crommunist fired the first shot, like Franz Ferdinand himself, declaring that anyone who likes cats must naturally be infected by toxoplasmosis, which is the only explanation why anyone would subject themselves the nonsense that is a cat’s existence.

It’s not ‘cat people’s fault that they’re nuts – their brains are crawling with parasites! People who post videos of their cats doing things that are really cute and interesting entirely typical of cats? It’s parasites. People who enter cat fashion shows? Parasites. People whose otherwise perfectly wonderful blogs are festooned with pictures of cat after cat after cat? Parasites explain it all! Somehow, these devious parasites are able to crawl through the internet tubes and infect the readers too, so that instead of a perfectly reasonable response like “yo, what’s with all the cat pictures?”, they instead respond with “OMG that’s so cute! He didn’t quite make that jump onto the bed and fell a little bit! ADORABLE!”

Crommunist, apostate that he is, declared cat people to be crazy, and that the only animal worth considering is the otter, though he calls himself a dog person.

My wife Jodi responded with a photo of our cat with an orange peel on his head, though she’s more a dog person herself. Jen McCreight posted some kitty filler on her blog shortly thereafter, without even realizing her territory was under attack. Dana marshalled her cat to the cause to attack Crommunist directly, while Stephanie has shown her true colors and posted a video of dogs dancing to dubstep that one could only describe as an attempt at appeasement to Crommunist and his ilk.

Me? I like turtles.

Tiny turtle pushing a marble toward some tiny bowling pins


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  1. 1

    I feel compelled to point out that Franz Ferdinand was the one what CAUGHT the bullet, not the one what fired it.

  2. 2
    Jason Thibeault

    Don’t let my pitiful knowledge of the Vietnam War get in the way of what’s otherwise an excellent post.

  3. 3

    Touché, Thibeault (that’s French for “turtles suck”)

  4. 4

    My highly payed team of underground geneticists are hard at work on bringing back Hallucigenia to assist in the anti-feline offensive.

  5. 5

    I predict a ton of catty remarks sandwiched by howls of outrage, driving us all barking mad.

  6. 6

    You’re turtles may have beaten the lagomorphs in a fair race but we have learned well from our defeat and we’ll see who gets the last laugh !

  7. 7

    The greatest history-related comment ever, Jason. Seriously.

  8. 8

    There’s really only one animal that can win the cute war

  9. 9

    I’m on eof those who isn’t a pet person at all. I sepnt the first 35 years of my life on a dairy farm looking after 130 animals 24/7. Since I left the farm, I have raised 3 children to adulthood and would prefer to have no responsibility for an animal, that in my experience, belongs in a barn.

    As would be expected, I am living with a women who is a cat person, so I have to put up with one underfoot.

  10. 10
    F [i'm not here, i'm gone]

    Plants are cute, not very demanding, and don’t get all up your ass. Just sayin’.

  11. 11

    @Aliasalpha: You’re my favorite person of the day now!

  12. 12
    Jason Thibeault

    Aliasalpha: You crack me up, little buddy.

  13. 13

    Turtles, turtles, rah rah rah.. oh, you mean the animal. Yeeah, I guess they’re good too. But not as tasty.

  14. 14

    When it comes to the war on cuteness, http://www.fupenguin.com/ has been leading the battle for years!

  15. 15


  16. 16

    Ben has a point. My cat used to lean against my rat cage so the rat could groom him. I still can’t believe I never got a picture of that.

  17. 17

    Pfft, living creatures, both animals and plants, are just plain too much work. Nothing beats cuddling up to the cold, smooth surface of my Weighted Companion Cube, thank you very much.

  18. 18

    The weighted companion cube told me that it actually hates you, and that you are fat and that your parents didn’t love you.

    So I would definitely just assume the party submission position rather than continue on with the testing. There will be cake.

  19. 19
    Jason Thibeault

    Sinned, that cold, smooth surface you keep cuddling up to is probably the knife that the weighted companion cube is going to stab you with.

  20. 20

    The cake is a lie!

  21. 21
    Alyson Miers

    Both dogs and cats are awesome, but dogs aren’t nearly so satisfying to point and laugh at, so kitties win, IMO.

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