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May 21 2011

Oh rapture, oh bliss!

If you’re reading this, then I’ve been carried away by the angels to sing the praises of our heavenly lord for all eternity. Or I forgot to disable this scheduled post, due to hit the tubes exactly ten minutes after I’ve been bodily transported to heaven’s kingdom. Either way, I hope the tribulation is going well for all those that have been left here on Earth. I hope the mega-earthquake that would have hit your time zone at 6:00pm killed you swiftly, so you don’t have to endure the three months worth of suffering at the hands of the agents of the great evil, Sauron. I mean Satan.

If you’re stuck here on Earth (and who would waste bandwidth to read this blog from heaven’s OC3 connection, when we could get the best Netflix streaming service we want instead?), well, first, sorry for all the death and dismemberment. You’ll probably want to read the instructions left on Judgement Day 2011‘s blog, as the proprietor was kind enough to schedule posts through until October documenting all the things that surely would be happening from now til then. Assuming the internet will still exist after the demons sweep across the land and the supervolcanoes erupt and cats and dogs sleep together. If the Rapture is postponed for whatever reason, I’m sure the proprietor will swiftly remove the inaccurate posts queued on his blog. If not, then we’re certainly in for a treat as we get to see all the stuff we narrowly avoided via all that extra prayer the Good Christians of this world stored up in God’s batteries. Surely we must be forgiven if we can read this post, and the posts on that blog. You know, at least til December 21, 2012, when Quetzalcoatl Jesus will return. Oh, and tornado warnings will occur off the coast of California. In the ocean. Like tornadoes do.

Good theist readers, do check in to let me know whether or not you’ve been raptured away! I’ll check my blog comments from heaven on my iPhone 5, while streaming the highest-quality Megashark vs Crocosaurus via Netflix, and if you’re up here with me, feel free to stop by over on Cloud 42. Don’t you worry, folks. With me, you’ll never be Left Behind(tm).

5 comments

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  1. 1
    Jason Thibeault

    So, I’m still around. And I forgot to disable this post-Rapture post after I didn’t get bodily removed from this Earth. What an embarassment!

  2. 2
    Clifton

    I’m back. I was raptured, but then exchanged for store credit.

  3. 3
    Jason Thibeault

    Surely your soul can’t have been worth THAT much. Did Jesus exchange you for store credit then buy The Hangover on blu-ray? That’s my guess.

  4. 4
    Clifton

    Edward Penishands on VHS

  5. 5
    George W.

    Present and accounted for…..
    Were you expecting otherwise?

  1. 6
    When you fail this often, may as well quit while you’re ahead. $75 Mil ahead. | Lousy Canuck

    [...] last cent. And given that he’s about 90 years old now, and he had a stroke shortly after his failed prediction in May, this dog’s not going to be in the hunt for much [...]

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