Yes, that’s right, not the original 2012, the cheap knockoff Christian propaganda film. Stephanie Zvan and I are about to subject ourselves to this… oeuvre… and I intend to live-blog it as we go. Completely alcohol-free, at that. Heaven help us.
Apparently George W. got here first. The bastard. I swear I didn’t spoil myself on this epic retardery in advance. Well, not much. Aside from the IMDB comments thread, and a tiny snippet of George’s post.
Beginning time: 10:41 AM. Refresh for updates.
10:41: “FAITH FILMS PRESENTS”. Typewriter datelines: “Earth. 2012.” In case you didn’t know what planet this is set on. A helicopter flyover of some river, somewhere. Epic music swells, setting our expectations ever so high!
10:43: “Visual effects by Tiny Juggernaut”. This conjures epic images of a very small person in armor saying “I’M THE JUGGERNAUT BITCH” in a very high-pitched voice.
10:45: Smoke that isn’t there coming from a mountain that isn’t there. Rain made with a sprinkler, doesn’t soak anyone’s shirts.
10:46: Permanent lights in a cave give away that they’re in a tourist trap, not an archaeological dig. Everyone’s shirts are completely dry now
10:47: A gold crucifix? In a Mayan temple!? “HOW CAN THIS BE POSSIBLE?” Because it’s obviously extremely light! Protag picks it up like it’s made of styrofoam!
10:48: ONOES VOLCANO.
10:48: VOLCANO MAKES GROUND EXPLODE. ROCK FALLS ON DUDE. ONOES.
10:49: Exponential increases grow steadily.
10:49: Alignment with a black hole in the centre of the galaxy is slowing the planet’s rotation, despite NASA knowing about alignments and it being impossible. Science is wrong ZOMG
10:50: This film probably not sponsored by Shell, despite appearances. Also, steady cams probably require permits, explaining the shaky shots.
10:51: stalker guy takes pictures of girl, his battery is running low. We somehow get a video feed from it.
10:52: “Nice to meet you, stalker guy. Help me find something. I’m a missionary.” “Okay.”
10:53: “There are no doctors in this whole damn country!” “I know how to apply a band-aid.”
10:53: PACING! We’ve lost ten hours already! Cut to a drawing of a crucifix that gets crumpled because the artiste didn’t like the proportions in front of the Mayan temple.
10:54: Dude worked on by paramedics has THE SAME TATTOO AS CHICK’S DRAWING!!!! PLOT!!!!
10:55: Dying dude is saying The Lord’s Prayer, despite exhortations by the paramedics to try to get him to stop, and move his hands from being clasped in prayer, so they might save his life. He dies. Worst paramedic scene ever.
10:56: 25 hours til doomsday. Typewriter says so.
10:56: Carbon dating of gold (with probably no carbon in it) to 300 AD. THERE’S NO SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE TO SUGGEST THAT.
10:57: Christians are scientifically illiterate. Science Guy with blue shirt uploaded AI and downloaded some whosits to get a model of Earth’s rotation CAUSING HURRICANES WHICH ARE RESULTANT OF EARTH’S ROTATION. FFS.
10:59: Anyone have any objection with recommending that the President evacuate the west coast? Nope? Good, let’s go get donuts.
10:59: Science guy is missionary chick’s dad! PLOT! CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! Stop arguing and get out of Mexico because of doomsday!!!
11:00: “I love you and I’ll see you in a couple of days.” “DAD? DAADDDD!?”
11:00: Paramedics learned everything they could about the weird tattooed guy that died.
11:01: Paramedic chick is the atheist-to-be-converted. Same chick that drew the cross for some reason.
11:01: Good people die, ergo no god, says atheist. When someone dies, you can see and feel the life leave them. Can’t you feel it when they’re gone? Yeah, when you look at their pulse or lungs.
11:02: Cross must be reunited with the big temple before the end of the Long Count Calendar. Cross is extremely light. Everyone misunderstands the Long Count calendar, as though it is made up of 13 cycles, rather than having rolled over 13 times.
11:04: Earthquake cracks appear to be drawn onto ground. With MS Paint.
11:04: Vegetarians don’t get poisoned by dead Koi floating in a Mexican river. Just FYI. Volcanoes must be heating up the river and killing all the Koi via bacteria levels. Wonder if this has anything to do with doomsday????
11:05: Every country in the world is reporting to NASA that there are bad things happening. Space shot probably nicked from NASA. Continents not visible on this planet, though. So maybe a bad 3D modeler instead. At least they got atmospheric fuzz.
11:06: News announcers sound like goobers in this alternative world.
11:07: The village is abandoned! But has a strawberry-print tablecloth. The villagers were too sick to move, but apparently all left somewhere. As though bidden by God.
11:08: “I’m helping sick people!” “You have to get out of there as soon as you can! Climate changes whargarbl! Never mind the six billion other people on the planet, you HAVE TO GET OUT OF THERE! Also, your cell reception is incredibly clear from the middle of the Yucatan Peninsula, are you on T-Mobile?”
11:09: Oklahoma is in the mid-west. The things you can learn from movies!
11:10: “Okana… okay. I don’t get your crazy moon language. I sense that someone is sick though.”
11:10: “Miracles and science brought me to you! And also stalking. Who’s gonna take pictures of the End Times?”
11:11: Storm clouds over California don’t reduce the ambient light, but they do harbinger doomsday!!!!!!
11:12: “I don’t believe in the end of days!” “You must!!!!!” “It’s just an earthquake.” TORNADO WARNING OFF THE COAST OF CALIFORNIA!
11:13: Chichen Itza, the actual famous Mayan temple, makes its appearance. Atheist has been drawing pictures of it all her life, apparently. Maybe God’s trying to show her something! And yet she’s still an atheist!! Nostrils flare dramatically.
11:14: More misunderstanding of the long count calendar, plus some Bible quoting, as though the Mayans said it.
11:15: Downtown California has a lot of hay being stirred up by the SUDDEN TORNADO that still isn’t eliminating any of the ambient light. And isn’t moving any tree shadows AT ALL.
11:16: it’s gonna get really cold. Traffic in California is perfectly normal. More ambient light issues, reduced via Photoshop to put a grey sky in the background.
11:17: “Why can’t you feel God wants you to be with him?” “BUT SCIENCE SAVES PEOPLE NOT GOD. Deathbed conversions suck!! Where is God when people die?” What it’ll take to convert this atheist is something that never happens. She’s holding her lack of faith in the face of a lot of evidence to the contrary, which I reiterate, is something that never happens in real life. When there is evidence, atheists accept and internalize it. The problem is generally the lack of evidence.
Short pause for work crap.
Work crap easily deflected, this is now a bathroom / tea break.
11:34: We has tea. Time to dive back in.
11:35: “IF I DON’T LET GO OF THE GOLDEN CRUCIFIX WE’LL ALL DIE” NOOOOOOO
11:35: 15 hours to doomsday. Missionary and stalker walking to Chichen Itza. Didn’t stalker dude have a car?
11:36: a pregnant woman. Odds on her being a virgin? The brown people in this film are all symbolic only.
11:36: Let’s get the pregnant woman some help from somewhere. Even though I only know how to apply a band-aid.
11:37: WE WOULD HAVE ALL DIED IN THAT HOLE TRISH. HIS WAS A NOBLE SACRIFICE.
11:37: “I just don’t know what’s going on any more!” You and me both sister.
11:37: “It’s a myth!” “It’s not a myth! Just like they predicted 2000 years ago.”
11:38: “Are you with me?” “But I’m a doubter! I need to be convinced!” Also, fire ants and pregnant woman vomiting. Nobody is holding her hair from in front of her face. Lovely missionary, that one.
11:39: Temperature is dropping despite the volcano. We shouldn’t be able to see the edges of the cushion used to make the chick look pregnant.
11:39: a scrape to the back makes someone cough and “lose a lot of blood”, enough to make a small red spot on her shirt. No blood flowing though.
11:40: Stalker is a doubter too: “You want to drive across the country to some Mayan temple with a pregnant woman just because some village boy told you so?” This is seriously verbatim.
11:42: Cough cough cough. Touching moment about divorce and fidelity despite them obviously still loving one another because marriage is forever.
11:43: Meanwhile, while you’re being all mooshy, she’s dying from that scrape on her back. She’s forgetting to cough though.
11:44: Light filters through clouds. Must be God. 12 hours to go before he gets with the smiting.
11:44: Atheist starting to ask about believing in God. Mom’s “always believed”. Probably even before anyone told her about him! Complexity == God and design. Fine-tuning argument.
11:45: “I pray to God every day to convert you, daughter. Despite the Bible saying not to pray for others’ salvation, only your own. Oh, and birth is a miracle.” The epidurals must have been really good.
11:46: Something as perfect as a newborn child can only come from God, not a sperm and egg. Babies are created fully-formed in utero by God.
11:47: pregnant Mayan lady knows English suddenly. Broken English. Talking to God and asking why he no love me and make baby.
11:48: We’re going to Chichen Itza because of baby. Music is supposed to set the scene for them going to a Mayan temple, but sounds like an Indian folk song.
11:48: Earthquakes, tornadoes etc. haven’t disrupted any phone service. Payphones still work. Everyone’s fine. Festival flags still up. Payphones are breaking up though! DAD! SARA! TETSUO! KANEDA!
11:50: Mom is asleep and smiling, which makes atheist smile, because she’s not yammering on about God now. Also, Earth still has no continents. And still seems to be rotating just fine.
11:51: God took science guy’s wife, but wasn’t trying to hurt him. Science guy also believes in God. Pilot of biplane apparently knows philosophy!
11:52: Nope, God definitely hates science guy. He’s pissed, even. Ineffectual though, because despite God’s valiant efforts, pilot guy pulls them through. A modicum of acting happens here. You need to find it and watch it, then turn the movie off.
11:53: Cough cough cough. That cut is killing me. Promise me you’ll take the balsa-wood spraypainted crucifix to the temple!
11:54: Pilot is a nihilist. He was only sent by God to get science guy through God’s wrath.
11:55: Mom and atheist’s car runs out of gas. Atheist pops the hood. Mom is gone! ZOMG RAPTURE
11:56: Pilot is gone too! ZOMG RAPTURE
11:57: Atheist asks the sky what’s happening. Then drops to her knees and asks God “dude, wtf? Just send me a sign, coz I’ve been ignoring all those other ones.” Then a car drives up and stops. Selection bias!
11:58: It’s science guy!!! We’re going to Chichen Itza together now! Because we’re supposed to! You also have a Player Character aura!
11:59: Cough cough FRANK YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME cough cough expire. We’re at Chichen Itza though!
11:59: CPR doesn’t resurrect people from plot development.
12:00: Enya on the radio. Atheist knows about Bible quotes. Thessolonians. Science guy knows it too. Talking about The Rapture. LEFT BEHIND!!!!
12:02: “Your theological babblings sound very reasonable.”
12:02: “Why are you going to Chichen Itza?” “for teh lulz”
12:02: “And I said NO DON’T STOP.” To his daughter. Science guy got from Maryland to New Mexico in a biplane in… how many hours?
12:03: God didn’t like the cloud palette. Lens filter doesn’t eliminate the ambient light inside the car. Giant hail exists outside the car, but inside the car, everything’s perfectly fine. Except for all the swerving. A hail stone destroys the windshield and comes through one reality into the other, killing stalker dude. Meanwhile, the hail storm has mysteriously stopped outside the car again.
12:05: “I’m not dead yet.” “I’ll pray for you!” “Now I’m dead. But I believe too!”
12:05: Sobbing. Pregnant lady in the back seat is totally silent. Gaping chest wounds don’t bleed or anything. Self-cauterizing snowball-inflicted chest wounds! Anything’s possible with Yahweh!
12:07: They just blew their entire CG budget on a Myst puzzle that could have been solved with any square stick of balsa wood.
12:07: Pregnant woman remembers she’s pregnant. They’ll be at Chichen Itza soon though! With dead stalker guy in the passenger seat!
12:08: No continents, but many hurricanes.
12:08: “Square square X” translates to… when doomsday happens, babby is born and chosen messengers of Christ ASSEMBLE.
12:09: “Keep moving, pregnant lady. We’re not at the temple yet.” Screaming with pain = best acting in the movie. And not from the audience.
12:10: Good thing these ladies know where the temple’s entrance is. And where the altar to make babby is.
12:10: “Sara!?” “Dad?!” “TETSUO!” “KANEDA!” Drops the pregnant lady. Thankfully the atheist is there to catch her.
12:11: Not long til pregnant lady gives birth to Christ 2!
12:12: West coast is consumed by… a really badly rendered wave that sort of does a tidal bore thing. London is burning. A mosque falls apart. Earth has continents again though!
12:12: baby is almost born. Earthquake stops. We lose power in America, so everything goes silent in the Yucatan peninsula. I assume the sound stage was on America’s power grid.
12:13: Praying! Silence and piano music! AMEN!!!!
12:14: SCREAM. I can has babby plz?
12:14: Okay God is happy now. Sorry about all that death and destruction. Now the Earth must be spinning very fast, since the sun is back up. Bet everyone believes in God now!
12:15: The end of the great cycle. Nobody knows a damn thing about the Mayan long count. Yet, nobody’s going to believe the Messengers of Christ, because all that was lost was London, a mosque, and the West Coast of the USA. And the storms are all done now. So… what’s the endgame here? Proselytizing by the atheist and theist alike? WHO KNOWS! CREDITS AND PSEUDO-MAYAN NEW-AGE POP ROCK MUSIC! Lyrics are “You’re running through the desert, you’re running towards the sun.” Because that totally happened in the movie.
12:18: I attempt suicide. Stephanie prevents this because she needs someone around who knows what she’s lived through.
From the credits: “To learn more about Faith Films go to www.faithfilms.cc”. Just in case you wanted to learn more about them.