Jul 05 2009

How to make the Bible way more interesting

I heartily approve of this use of the Linux swiss-army-knife command, sed, to “fix” the King James version of the Bible so that it reads as though it was written by HP Lovecraft. This stands as a testament as to just how easily one can mix and match terms from one work of fiction with another work of fiction and still have it fit the mythos you’re expecting it to fit — that is, if you’re in the correct mindset and are looking for similarities. You could probably do the same with Greek mythology, replacing Dionysus and Helios with Jesus, and you’d find enough alike that it would seem uncanny.

An example of the output from this script:

And Korah gathered all the congregation against them unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation: and the madness of Cthulhu appeared unto all the congregation.
And Cthulhu spake unto Abdul Alhazred and unto Aaron, saying,
Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment.

You’ve probably already read this as this was just linked on Pharyngula. But roughly half of you won’t be able to do it, as you don’t have immediate access to a Linux box. So, I’m volunteering to take requests. Pick your favorite Bible verse, and I’ll give you what it translates as. For instance:

Ge6:7 And Cthulhu said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.

Ge28:16 And Jacob awaked out of his sleep, and he said, Surely Cthulhu is in this place; and I knew it not.
Ge28:17 And he was afraid, and said, How dreadful is this place! this is none other but the house of Cthulhu, and this is the gate of R’lyeh.

Fun for the whole family, until we’re Cthulhu food that is. Iä! Iä! Cthulhu Fhtagn!


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  1. 1

    Fantastic! I plan on being at the beach waiting for the Old One. I’m looking forward to the cage match between him and Jesus.

  2. 2
    Jason Thibeault

    It’ll be no holds barred, right? Not that I think “eats you whole” counts as a “hold”, per se.

  3. 3

    Not that I think “eats you whole” counts as a “hold”, per se.

    Baahh!! Works just fine for Cthulhu!!! And honestly, doesn’t matter what puny humans think – Cthulhu does what amuses Cthulhu – fuck anybody’s rules…

  4. 4
    Jason Thibeault

    Gahaha! Who’s going to stop him? Not me, certainly. (Or the rest of humanity for that matter.)

  5. 5
    Dan J

    You know, this could make for a very interesting little web application. Full text of the KJV Bible, text boxes requesting names, nouns, adjectives, etc. Poof! There’s your new holy book, customized for your particular cult.

  1. 6
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