Okay. I normally don’t pay much attention to ridiculous religious spam (except maybe to skirmish with its posters), but this one is just off the charts crazy, especially once you realize what it’s actually peddling.

HEAVENLY SKYWAYS: The Underground Airline for Believers

If God gave Noah specific instructions for building the ark, you can best believe He has specific instructions for end time Believers to build an ark of safety for those in the household of faith.

Even the stork in the sky
knows her appointed seasons,
and the dove, the swift and the thrush
observe the time of their migration.
But my people do not know
the requirements of the LORD- Jeremiah 8:7.

The Book of Matthews, Chapter 24 States That During The End of The Age, There Will Be Wars, Rumors of Wars, Earthquakes, Famine and Persecution of the Saints, —

And it continues like that, on and on, with crazy initial-caps the whole way through, so I’ll spare you, though you can go check out the comment if you feel so inclined. Might I recommend instead a lobotomy?

The gist of it is that God has a plan for everyone, and for the really hardcore believers, he has a plan to build an ark so that they can live through the coming End Times. Leave aside for a moment that the End Times involves those who are True Believers being bodily swept up to heaven, while the armies of good (the angels) and evil (the unbelievers and demons) wage war on Earth, and as far as I know, there was nothing in that story about building an ark to save a chunk of humankind.

Surprisingly, this comment isn’t proselytizing for its own sake, as it usually is with this type of spammer. No, in this case, it’s actually a shameless bit of self-promotion for a book and “stage play” available at www.heavenlyskyways.com. I won’t link that, by the way, in a deliberate attempt to avoid accidentally giving “Dr” Jacqueline Lawrence, holding a Doctorate in Christian Counselling from the Sacramento Theological School and Bible College, any more page rank on Google than she deserves. Pardon me if I scoff at anyone being declared a doctor of anything unscientific, by the way. It just seems relatively ouroboros-like of religions to write a work of fiction, then teach it to others, then offer doctorates in being able to teach it the best. (If anyone compares that practice to, say, evolution, with its 150 years of scientific evidence to back it up, I will smack them.)

I’m guessing the point of spamming this eye-crossingly bad “verse” is to hook the lambs and convince them to buy, and/or spread the word about, these works of fiction — one of which the author knows is fiction; the other, however, she probably earnestly believes. “Top Secret”, her book about (you guessed it) the secret code hidden in the Bible, apparently describes how the faithful can build an ark to save themselves from the impending End Times. It strikes me that this should be considered some special sort of blasphemy, suggesting that God isn’t just going to bodily spirit away the faithful and that these faithful have to actually build themselves some sort of freaky eagle-airplane hybrid. Or just photoshop one as amateurishly as you can manage, then upload it to your site in bitmap format — warning, bitmaps are huge and generally not meant for internet usage, so I’m thumbnailing it in jpeg format.

The scary thing about this is that she’s been previously published — search for this lady’s name on Amazon and you’ll find a number of self-help, religious-bent books, truly living up to the “Doctor of Christian Counselling” title. From a brief search, all I can find are three such books and her first foray into outright woo-peddling. It’s a shame that she can’t throw the stage play into that fiction category to help round her portfolio out some.

And what fiction it is! The play, if the website itself is any indication, will be replete with purple prose and tortured plot devices. To sum up: an Oprah Winfrey like character declares her undying love for Jeebus when the Mary Sue narrator character visits her show. Meanwhile, an evil black Vice President conspires to “gather false evidence of treason” about the President, so he can oust the guy and ascend to the Presidency, then summarily declare all blacks to be slaves once more. Only the Mary Sue and her Magic Holy Plane, backed by the power of the Oprah simulacrum, can unravel the plot and bring peace (and Jesus) back to the nation!

And all I can manage right now is to sit on this blog and snipe at this idiocy from afar. It’s frightening sometimes to know that a person like this has more money and influence than I’m probably ever going to have in my life. And followers — I can only hope for her sake that the website and spamming are resultant from an overzealous follower.

Jesus wept.